Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 3, Episode 3 - A Little Less Conversation - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

I'm not pregnant-- I totally
thought I was, but I'm not.

Why didn't you tell me
you thought you were pregnant?

- I'm not.
- I can respect that

you didn't want
to talk about it before,

so can you please respect that I
don't want to talk about it now?

Good night, Jenna.

It had been a week
since Matty found out

about the pregnancy scare,

and he seemed to be doing
everything in his power

to ensure
we didn't have another.



Is everything okay?

Sure, babe.

He kept insisting
everything was fine,

but his actions said otherwise.

It was weird.

We weren't talking,
we weren't doing it,

and what was worse,
we weren't talking

about not doing it.

Our communication was
at an all-time low.

Hold it right there.

In light of the tragic
and untimely demise

of Ricky Schwartz,

I am taking
precautionary measures

to make our school
a peanut-free zone.



Or rather, a pea-not zone.

Are you in possession
of any nuts

or nut-related products?

I'll be confiscating this.

Nut check.

All clear.

I'm gonna have to stop you
right there, J.

When was the last time
you had a nut in your mouth?

It was a good question.

Okay, I'm not saying
I'm at an 11

on the panic meter,
but I am inching towards a 7.

Something is definitely off
in my relationship.

I'd say
it's pretty clearblue easy.

Matty's freaked out
over the pregnancy scare.

How did you know about that?

Jake and I
tell each other everything.

That's unhealthy.
And creepy.

Next thing you know,
you'll be one

of those couples
who shares an email.

But even more shocking
than the potential mama drama

is that it came
from Jake's mouth.

I'm sorry.

I was gonna tell you.

- I tried to call--
- It's chills.

- I'm already over it.
- I get it, J.

There are certain things
we should keep to ourselves.

- What things?
- Just things.

Back to the hot topic at hand,

I know you and Matty
are all action, no talk,

but have you asked him
if everything's cool?

- Of course I did.
- What did he say?

"Sure, babe."

He "sure-babed" you?

"Sure, babe" is one step away

from "whatever, honey,"
which is the gateway phrase

to "take care,"
which we all know is the end.

Okay, now I'm at an 11.

If you dipsters seriously
think I killed Ricky,

your IQs must be
as small as your--

Fuck it.

I'm perfectly fine
eating alone.

- Go have lunch with Hamil-tramp.
- I don't feel like it.

I'd rather hang with you.

Why aren't you eating?

I guess my murder rap
made me lose my appetite.

Ever since Ricky bit it,
everyone's afraid of me.

Even that airbag, Lissa,
is keeping her distance.

- You poor thing.
- I know.

I haven't outed anybody,
made anyone transfer,

or said the word harelip

- in three days.
- Come on, Sades.

This is all gonna blow over.

No one really thinks
you're a murderer.

Miss Saxton,
this is PI Mulville,

stands for
Personal Investigator.

Private Investigator.

We're gonna have
to take you downtown

to answer some questions.

And by downtown,
I mean my office.

You better eat your granola bar

before it's confiscated
by the nut patrol.

While I had no idea what
was going on in Matty's head,

Jake knew what Tamara
packed for lunch.

Henry.

Am I having a seizure,

or did some weird stuff
just go down?

You guys,
this is my boyfriend Henry.

We're in love.

If every couple had
a different way of interfacing,

Matty and I were somewhere
in the middle of the spectrum.

Maybe the way to get us
back on track

was to go back to basics--

sex in a forbidden place,

where one of us was likely
to come out

the other end needing
a tetanus shot.

But it was worth the risk

because the make out
had stopped the freak out.

With Matty and me,
getting some action

always spoke louder than words.

♪ Oh, I ♪

I've got to get to class,
but this was fun.

- That's it?
- We can hang out tonight.

I had no reason
to be insecurious.

We were longer sophomores
at sex.

We were juniors.

And as such, we were going
to take our time.

Yeah, let's hang out.

Cool.
Then we can talk.

It was time to stop worrying
and start freaking.

Matty wanted to talk.

Whoo!

Was that good for you?

Yeah, that was good for me too.

Aw, damn.
My shirt's on backwards.

Thanks for the tune-up.

Heard someone got lucky
in the sanctuary.

Word sure travels fast.

- So are you and Henry in love?
- We're soul mates.

Where did you two meet?

In line waiting
for the new iPhone.

- What's Henry's middle name?
- Bao-Zhi.

It means "full of wisdom."

- Boxers or briefs?
- Beckhams.

I didn't think Henry
was your type.

I thought you liked
tall, skinny, Asian boys

with a sense of humor
and a cowlick

an inch above their right ear.

- You mean like Fred Wu?
- Fred who?

Fred Wu.
I know you know I know him.

Oh, right.

I know everything about you

because your life
is so fascinating.

I can't help but follow
every little thing

- that's happening in it.
- Hmm.

I'm kidding.

How long did Henry wear braces?

Trick question.
He never wore them.

_

_

- What did you say?
- Nothing.

Where were you the night
Ricky Schwartz died?

Hell if I know.
Home, I guess.

Is there anyone
who can corroborate your alibi?

We're not convinced
there was any foul play.

We are just trying
to get some clarity.

There was evidence of, uh,

sexual nature at the scene.

Ricky was a man whore,

which means there are probably,
like, 300 suspects.

If we called your folks,

would they confirm
you were home that night?

Don't call my parents.

Call my lawyer.

You got a problem with us
calling your parents?

No, but I have
a problem with you.

I'm curious.

Do you and your sister wives
rotate clothing,

or is that your own
personal peasant skirt?

Deflecting--
an obvious sign of guilt.

I can put an end
to this bitch hunt right now.

- Can we have some privacy?
- You mind waiting outside?

Not from him, from you.

I didn't sleep
with that asshole,

and a test will prove it.

Sweetie, we don't have money
for fancy lie detectors.

No, genius.
A pap smear.

I'm a virgin.

But be warned.

If you actually force me
to do that,

I will sue you,

and then you two
can bad-cop, worse-cop

on the unemployment line.

You're welcome.

- I'm back. All done?
- For the record, Miss Saxton,

I don't think you killed Ricky.

But I get why people
think you did.

No wonder
she's such a grumpster.

Girl needs to get laid.

Matty doesn't want
to get laid, he wants to talk.

I can't be alone with him.

I am not emotionally prepared
for the talk right now.

I need another day to process.

Wait.
I have an idea.

What's that thing that
you've been begging me to do

since we were kids?

BFGFBFF!

I have been dreaming
about this since I was six.

And then I met you,
and then you met Matty,

and then you met Jake,
and then you cheated

on Jake with Matty,
and then I started dating Jake,

and now you're with Matty,
and here we are.

Our whole lives have been
building up to this moment.

BFGFBFF--

the boyfriend-girlfriend-
best-friends-forever

double date.
The D-D is implied.

That is completely insane,
and I am all in.

Yes! I'll call you later
with a plan.

Sure, I was using the BFGFBFF

as a security blanket.

But as long
as I wasn't alone with Matty,

I didn't have to have the talk.

Hamilton.
Get in.

I kind of feel like walking.

And not talking.

I've got your favorite candy.

He was trying to lure me

into that convo
with sugary treats.

- No, thanks.
- Hop in. I'll take you home.

He was trying to take me
to a second location.

Stranger danger.

I mean, how well
did I really know Matty?

- Hello?
- Clearly, not well enough

to know what he wanted
to talk about.

Actually, I can't.
I'm walking home with my friend.

Cici. Hi!

I guess
I'll see you tonight then?

Yes, you will.

On a double date
with Tamara and Jake.

Sorry, forgot to tell you.
Hope that's cool.

Sure, babe.

Dude, you just got "sure-babed."

Promise me you will not leave me
alone with Matty.

- No alone time, no talk.
- No problem.

I am an expert at putting
my face where it doesn't belong.

So, girls, what are we wearing
for the BFGFBFF?

Ooh.
Not that necklace I hope.

- I thought you liked it.
- I do.

But it's bad juju to wear
a gift from an ex.

Not to mention weird.

Sorry, T.
I forgot.

And you just made it weirder.

I can't believe you two don't
have more issues over this.

You're so much more mature
than Ally and I were.

What do you mean
we're more mature?

When Ally dated my ex

and we would pregame
before BFGFBFFs,

she would spike my drink
with prune juice

so that I would have
explosive diarrhea.

Thank goodness you girls
are more evolved.

Yep, thank goodness for that.

Ming and Henry?

I didn't mean
to spoil the BFGFBFF,

but in case you and Jake
can't keep it

above the neck,
I'm gonna need reinforcements.

Okay, but I have no idea what
to call this new configuration.

Why don't we take two cars?
Jenna, you can ride with me.

Uh, this is a group date.

Two is not a group.
Six is a group.

Five could also
be considered a group.

Four, but never two.

We can fit.

Move. Move.
Move please.

Sorry, everyone.
She takes a while to warm up.

♪ Don't come knocking
on my back door ♪

Jake, do you remember
this song?

Oh, yeah.

Lissa's party.

Yes. Be-hymen!

- I will never forget that.
- Chinese fire drill!

No offense.

What are you doing?

If I end up next to Matty,
he might try to talk.

So stick your head
out the window.

Oh, hey. Hey.

Back seat Chinese fire drill.
No offense.

You can't call a back seat one.

I just did.

You should get that in case

it's, like, an emergency,

and you have to, like,
leave or something.

- Hey, how you doing?
- Fine.

Well, I am wearing soft pants.

- Can we get out of here?
- Stop.

McKibben, are you with people?

Yeah, I can't really talk
to you right now.

Oh. Okay.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

Okay, well,
I'll call you back later.

Is that Sadie? Ask her
where the bodies are buried.

Tell gingerskank
to go fuck herself

and then forget I called.

I'm fine.

She says hi.

Sounds like Sadie
needs a friend.

I'll check on her later.

If you're worried
about me being alone

on the group date, don't.

Bonus-- if you bail,
we'll have more room.

And you don't really want
to come, do you?

Sure, babe.

Solo Chinese fire drill!

Oh, no.

No offense.

♪ I'm waiting for your call ♪

Who ever heard of needing
a reservation

at a Thai place?

I don't want to point
any fingers, but--

Point that thing at yourself.

This BFG whatever was your idea,

but at least it's over.

No, no, no, no, no.
It's not over.

Why don't we go to the Thai
place at the strip mall?

- Ooh, yeah!
- My legs are numb.

Over here.

Henry shouldn't have to sit
on Ming all night.

Are we gonna spend the entire
night in the freaking car?

She's warming back up.

- And so was Matty.
- Maybe we should split up.

- Fine by me.
- The group date was a bust.

But Matty and I were all good.

It was finally safe
to go our separate ways

because he was doing
the move to the boob.

We were going to get down
in a way that didn't need words.

Finally, we'll be able to talk.

Oh, the night's still young.
I have an idea.

- Charades.
- Four words.

Personally, I hated the game.

But the not-talking part
had its obvious appeal.

Cooking.

- Cross guard.
- TV show.

Pulling four horses.

Matty was giving me
every reason to believe

the roller coaster ride
was over

and it was safe to unfasten
my insecurity belt.

- Nun? He's a nun.
- A guy in the curtain.

Fred Wu is here!

Anyone care to explain
the new boyfriend,

- ex-boyfriend on the same date?
- Uh, hello?

Jenna, Jake, Matty--
same diff.

But I'm not putting my tongue
down Jenna's throat.

Ming, your presence
is requested

on a three-way
live conference call, now.

♪ don't you know that... ♪

Why did you turn up the music?

The house has eyes.

- And ears.
- Asian mafia.

Ming,
if you're still with Fred,

- who the hell is Henry?
- My beard.

I've been Asian bitching Becca
for months.

I wasn't just staying
at my grandparents'

this summer to learn Mandarin.

I was seeing Fred on the low.

- And Becca has no idea.
- More like no evidence.

But I Asian bitched you bitches,
and you didn't know.

Ming's paranoia was contagious.

With my reinforcements
off the clock,

I needed to keep up the game.

My turn.

All right, let's do it.

- Uh, movie.
- Yes.

Four words.

- Two.
- No, second word is...

- Brushing, washing, shower.
- Comb. So dirty.

Monkey tail-- oh, shower.

- Monkey, showering monkeys.
- No. Hairy.

- Lovers. Lovers. Star-crossed.
- Blossoming.

No, a rom-com.

- Running man.
- The 1980s?

A rom-com from the '80s?

♪ Tell me that ♪

And that we saw together.

Did we go to the movies or--
oh, no, on TV--

God, I should know this.

Uh...

that weekend
that we both had colds.

Oh, When Harry Met Sally!

- Yes! Yeah!
- Yes! All right. Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo! Bam.
- Boom.

Yeah, team J and J.

Matty may have sucked
at charades,

but it wasn't hard
to pick up on his clues.

Reality show, four words,
Matty wanted to talk.

Jenna, I need to use
the bathroom.

Okay.

No, I need to use
the bathroom, bathroom.

So then use
my parents' bathroom.

No, I need to use
the bathroom, bathroom,

bathroom, bathroom.

I gotta make a call.

So why are we in the bathroom,
bathroom, bathroom, bathroom?

Because you're ruining
the BFGFBFF.

I can't speak for Matty,
but I can speak for myself.

This thing with you and Jake--
you got to rein it in.

I don't know
if you got the memo,

but Jakenna is dead,
and Jakara is in business.

I don't want to borrow this.

And I'm not borrowing Jake
from you.

I'm sorry.

I forgive you.

Now I'm gonna speak for Matty.

After watching him
watching you,

my take is
that he's Jake-elous.

No doubt in my mind
that Matty's feeling insecure

because you told Jake
about the maybe baby

- before you told him.
- How can you tell?

'Cause I'm a communicator
and a little bit psychic.

It's time you stopped worrying
about Matty hurting you.

You're hurting him.

Never had this problem
with Jake.

'Cause Jake was the girl.

In our relationship,
we're both girls.

That's why it works.

I know why you're upset.

And I'm sorry it took me
so long to catch on.

It was so not cool.

I'm a jerk.

And I'm crazy about you.

- Okay.
- You forgive me?

I'm gonna go... now.

Do you still need me
to talk block?

If Tamara and Jake
were the poster couple

for talking it out,
I needed to give Matty

a chance to open his mouth too.

Hoping against hope
it would end up on mine.

I know you're not fine.

You are such a pain in my ass.

That pain isn't going away
till you tell me what's up.

- My parents are gone.
- On vacation?

From me.

My mom's in rehab
for exhaustion,

and dear old dad
fled the country

'cause of the money sitch.

Wait, so you're all alone?

Consuela's here,
but she's in the doghouse.

Why, what'd she do?

Nothing. She's cleaning it.

Matty, no one wants
to be around me.

At school, everyone hates me.

And at home, no one cares
if I'm alive or dead.

I may as well be Ricky.

I'm scared.

You're not thinking
of hurting yourself, are you?

No, dumbass.
I still love myself.

But I do want to throw up.

Promise me you won't,
or I'll come over there

and kick your ass.

Please,
I could totally take you.

I'm serious, Sadie.
Swear you won't.

I swear, okay?

This family stuff sucks.

You know I've been there.

But you're strong.
You're gonna be okay.

- I am?
- Definitely.

And there's no way in hell
you could take me.

Why don't you come over here
and prove it?

I would swing by,

but I have to have
a conversation with Jenna.

So have it.

I gotta go.

I know you've been wanting
to have this talk all day,

and I'm sorry
I've been avoiding it.

But if this is gonna be the talk
where you break up with me,

then we are not having
this talk

because I am breaking up
with you first.

So there.
Talk over.

That's not this talk.

Good.

What's going on?

Last week you didn't want me
to touch you,

and then today you wanted
to do it in the sanctuary.

Are you upset
that I didn't tell you

about the pregnancy sitch?

No, I'm upset
that you told Jake before me.

And that we don't have
that thing you and Jake had.

- Have.
- What thing?

- A friendship?
- I guess, yeah.

Why can't we have that?

- Why can't I be that for you?
- Be what?

The guy you don't
have to sleep with

to be connected to, Jenna.

The guy
you can say anything to.

I'm sorry I told Jake.

He was just there,
and it came out.

That is exactly the point.

It's always so easy with Jake.

Why is it not easy with me?

I guess I'm just always afraid

the minute anything bad happens,
you're gonna run away.

Why would you think that?

Because you were
embarrassed of me.

When?

After we first had sex.

We never talked.

We just hooked up.

And then when we did talk,

it was only in private.

I'd call that embarrassment,
wouldn't you?

No.

I was never embarrassed of you.

♪ ...to write this down ♪

So how do we fix this?

How do we--
I don't know.

Talk and--

We already have.

♪ would you stay
with us tonight? ♪