Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 3, Episode 2 - Responsibly Irresponsible - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

I was wrapped up
in my cocoon...

My cocoon of Matty.

Jacques!

Jake and I DTR'ed last night!

Ricky is dead to me.

Ricky Schwartzes muerto.

♪ To all the girls
I've loved before... ♪

Death. It was an inevitable
part of life.

And while it was a fate
that awaited us all,

the unexpected death
of Ricky Schwartz



was a shock
to everyone's system.

Not to mention, for a ritual
called "Sitting Shiva,"

we had been doing
a lot of standing.

Unfortunately,
some peeps couldn't help

but lock their knees,

'cause everyone processed loss
in their own way.

For some,
sorrow was externalized openly.

While others, surprisingly...

kept it more in check.

I'm good, thanks.

There was no right or wrong way

to react to a death.

Grieving was personal.

Ricky would've been
truly warmed



by the love you all bring
to this room today.

While he was
an incredibly modest

and humble young man
and a gifted musician,

what many of you didn't know

was that his real passion
and love was for painting.

His favorite piece,
a colorful self-portrait

of what he said personified
his inner self.

To me, it's
the perfect reflection

of his sense of fun and humor.

Or his desire to be a pimp.

Now, please, join us
in celebrating Ricky's life

with a viewing of his artwork
and a smorgasbord.

Bagels, latke, cotton candy?

I'm not hungry.

Tamara's been totally
uncommunicative lately which,

- as you know, is... not normal.
- Not normal.

- What should I do?
- Nothing.

She's processing,

and probably just trying
to work some things out.

Like Ricky.

Apparently he was working
something out too.

More like rubbing it out.

What's with the latent fixation
on boobs?

It's not latent, it's blatant.

Ricky's obsession for breasts

was apparently homegrown.

I didn't know it was possible

to die of an allergic reaction
to peanuts.

Did you know he was allergic?
Me neither.

How could he protected
if he didn't tell anyone?

- How's Sadie?
- Pregnant...

- With Ricky's love child.
- She's not pregnant.

- Did she abort that mission?
- No! She was never pregnant.

She's depressed,

and now things have
only gotten worse.

Which is probably why
she couldn't handle it today.

So have a heart.
Ricky is dead!

Gefilte fish.

My people say it's good luck
if you eat it.

It can protect you
from your dark side.

If you want protection.

Oh, you forgot to tear
your shirt.

Kriah.
It's tradition.

Hey, do you wanna hear
something creepy?

Creepier than having
my shirt assaulted?

It's tradition.

So get this, Ricky's grandma

just told me that Ricky was
breast-fed till he was eight.

Are you shitting me?

It's insane how much
we didn't know about that kid.

It wasn't insane.
It was understandable.

There were a lot of things

we didn't know
about the people around us,

including the things Matty
didn't know about me.

'Cause Matty still didn't know
about my pregnancy scare,

and hopefully he never would.

Girls, don't be angry or upset.

Ricky's death was an accident.

But my almost social-death
by pregnancy wasn't.

And to ensure
it never happened again,

I needed to ingest
some good luck...

and maturity.

It was time for me
to be more responsible and...

Any last words for Ricky?

Responsibility was a process.

_

It had been four days

since the news of Ricky's death
by peanut

had hit the halls
of Palos Hills.

And by the look of it,

no one was ready to move on
anytime soon.

Step away from the lockers.

Not you, the fellas.

Are you heartless?

Have a little respect.

But I can't get to my books.

You ever think
of how hard it is

for Ricky to get to them?

Your buddy is dead.

And you need to think
about the challenges

he now faces as a ghost.

Just imagine.

His little vapor arms,

the ones that can never
hold a book again

or ever jostle open a locker.

Think about that.

Oh, my girl.

How are you hanging in there?

- I'm fine.
- Just fine?

Is that any way to be
after a lover dies?

Ricky wasn't my lover.

But I heard he got around.

And well, since we know you do,
I just figured--

You figured wrong.

What is this?

It's for a vigil.
Tonight.

We're gonna pay tribute
to Ricky.

Or converse with the devil.

- Either way, it should be fun.
- Vigil? I love it.

Where I come from,
a vigil usually means

someone's burning the body
and grilling some ribs.

Where you from?

- Missouri.
- Huh. Cool.

Maybe that's
where I'll go to college.

For teenagers, death took on
different meanings.

For some,
it was a reason to party.

For others...

it was a calling
to commit to a higher power.

And for the rest of us,
it was a time to reflect.

But reflection post-death

took on all different shapes
and sizes.

And for Matty,
it meant fitting his square peg

into my round hole.

Oh, hey, maybe we should go
somewhere more private.

I love you so much.

I just wanna be as close
as two people can possibly be.

Let's do it here, now.

Yeah!
You only live once, right?

- Oh!
- Yep!

As suspected,
Matty was YOLOing.

And while I wanted to celebrate
that I wasn't 16 and pregnant,

just being 16 meant
I could still get pregnant.

I wasn't ready to risk
loading a baby on board.

You know what'll make us feel
more alive than having sex?

Skipping... backward!
What.

But I couldn't skip out
on the sex forever.

Hey!

Mom, I know I'm whispering,
but I'm trying to be discreet.

Can you take me
to see the, uh...

lady doctor?

Soon.
Like... today.

This is getting ridiculous.

Thank you.

But you can stuff this
up your ass.

I'm not in mourning,

and what the hell would
a fucking penguin do if I was?

Are you going to the vigil
for Ricky tonight?

- No!
- Because it's too hard for you?

No, because
I don't wanna participate

in some stupid charade.

Jesus.

Why the hell are you crying?

Because I can see
how much pain you're in.

The only thing pained on me
are my cuticles,

because I can't afford
my weekly manicures anymore,

and Consuela doesn't know
when to stop cutting.

And since when did you start
caring so much about Ricky?

- You barely knew him.
- That's not true.

I saw him almost every day

when he came in to get fro yo
for you over the summer.

Ricky loved you more
than he loved himself.

Like I said, you--

Barely knew him.

That doesn't mean
we don't feel bad.

It's not the same, Jenna.

People are using this as an
excuse to out-mourn each other.

Like Stephanie Lopez.

She handed out cookies
in homeroom for consolation.

That sounds nice.

They were peanut butter!
How messed up is that?

She clearly didn't know him,
and she still doesn't.

Everyone just needs
to step off their sad bus

while some of us
are actually mourning.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Let me get you
some French fries.

Fries! They're a cure-all,

like a Jenna lip-dip.

Hey-oh!

Ahh.

Matty's YOLOing.
He's been all over me.

Apparently death has given him
a new lease on life.

He's so disgustingly
insensitive.

Hey, babe!
Hey.

So I just heard from Whitey

who told Lucas
that fifth and sixth period

aren't mandatory today.

You know, in case
you're having a hard time.

Which I'm just gonna say
that I am.

So...

what are we doing?
Where are we going?

To hell, you exploitative
piece of shit!

You're gonna skip class
and go to the beach?

Or the movies.

What-- hey, hey.

I'm sorry.
I thought you hated Ricky.

You know nothing,
and you totally don't know me.

- It's over!
- What--

- What was that?
- Mourn-mones.

Her words, not mine.

Just let her settle down.

And remember,
everyone grieves... differently.

Well, can you go see
if she really just dumped me?

Do I have to?
She had crazy eyes.

Please.

I think Tamara
just trashed my ass.

- Need a hug?
- No.

Then go and tell her
you love her.

Really?

Aren't you the guy
who said the "L" word

is the carrot you dangle
to get sex?

No, no.
Not anymore, man.

Undangle that carrot.

- Life is just too short.
- Are you feeling okay?

Yes, I am.
You know why?

Because I'm alive.

And I fucking love you.

What's wrong?

- I killed him!
- I know, I saw his face.

He was crushed.

No, not Jake.
Ricky.

I killed Ricky Schwartz.

What do you mean,
you "killed Ricky?"

As in I stopped, dropped,
and rolled him into the grave.

I know everybody said
it was an accident,

but I know it wasn't.

- It was my fault.
- I don't understand.

- How did you--
- With this!

And with these.

I ooodoo-voodooed him.

It's not funny!

I bought over 200
ancient Wiccan spells.

- You bought spells? Where?
- On the internet.

At first, I just wanted
to disfigure Ricky,

or make his thyroid
stop working

so he'd get really fat.

But then, when I saw him at the
black hearts party with Sadie,

I sorta kinda cast a spell
that would make him wanna die.

Jenna!

I might be a witch.

Drop the "W"
and replace it with a "B,"

which is just a fleeting title,

because you are
a total sweetheart.

Trust me, what you're feeling
is just grief guilt.

And I get it.

But Ricky's death
was not your fault.

- You had nothing to do with it.
- Really?

- Really.
- So I'm not gonna rot in hell?

- Unlikely.
- But possible?

No, no.

Okay.
Thank you.

I needed that.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm still at DEFCON 1,
and I need to walk it off.

As Tamara walked off
her feelings of guilt,

mine were left unchecked.

Was I being too hard on myself

to bear the full brunt
of responsibility

for my close call
with parenthood?

Maybe I needed some consoling
for myself.

Val's office hours
were at an all-time high.

Every kid wanted to share
their anxiety

and/or use Ricky's death
as an excuse to get out of PE.

Either way, it was an annoying
misuse of the system,

because I was relegated
to the back of the line.

It's gonna be okay.

No one ever died
getting touched by their uncle.

My girl! Get up here.

Hey, hey, hey.
Hold up.

Don't be haters.

Jenna had a reservation.

Yeah, I know
there's a list, Scott.

But she used invisible ink.

It's how I maintain
confidentiality.

Believe me,
you'll appreciate it

when you need to go
black ops one day too.

How you hanging in there?

Is Ricky's death bringing up

some intense stuff for you?

Actually,
in a weird way, it is.

- Are you being safe?
- Funny you should ask.

That's sort of why I'm here.

Can you hold up your arms?

Oh, okay.
Why?

I just want 'em to stay
where I can see them,

so we don't have
any more... accidents.

Are you suggesting
that Ricky's death

wasn't an accident?

I'm not suggesting anything.

I-I just don't want any more
blood spilled on my watch.

Or carpet.

Especially since
it just got steam cleaned,

which took months
to get approved.

District budgets are retarded.

Anywho, so break it down.

Or break down.
You can cry in here.

I don't really wanna cry.

I just wanna talk about
how I've been blaming myself

for a little
sexual indiscretion.

- With Ricky?
- No!

I wasn't involved with Ricky,

except for this one super drunk
and drugged moment

we had at a party.

Were you guys free basing?

No! That story isn't
really relevant to why I'm here.

I wanna talk
about Matty and me.

Okay, but where does Ricky
fit into this equation?

He doesn't.

Then why are you in my office?

There are people
waiting outside

to talk about a dead person,

and you wanna talk
about yourself?

Shame on you, Jenna.

Shame... on... you.

Kids, I'm making
an announcement.

I am downgrading myself
from VP...

to GC.

What this tragedy has proved

is that you all need me to be
more selfless for all of you.

Whoever buys me a candy bar
can go next.

See, Jenna, not everything
has to be about you.

Val made a good point.

- Not everything was about me.
- Yeah, you, let's go.

It took two to tango,

and it was time to rationally
explain that to Matty.

You need to stop being
so horny.

I am not just some lady
of the afternoon,

and I am more than just

your personal
jolly juice receptacle, Matty.

I know.

And I don't wanna
start thinking

about being an adult right now,

or dealing with my own issues
of life and death.

- Following?
- Sort of.

Good, because I need to know
that you are in this for me

and not just
my... funhouse.

I have to go.

But before the vigil tonight,

you need to ruminate
on the error of your ways.

What the hell is going on
with these girls?

Honey, it's okay.

Nothing to be nervous about.

You get on that table,

you put your legs
in the stirrups,

and once they crank you open,

the swabbing happens
lickety-split.

- What are they gonna swab?
- Your cervix.

It's standard, uncomfortable.

But you only have
to do it once a year.

- Every year?
- Mm-hmm.

They can't just give me
the pill?

- Mm-mm.
- Maybe we should go.

I'll just tell Matty
about the scare,

and we can be extra careful.

No, no. No.

You can't tell him.

He's 16 and a boy.

He can't deal with that info.

But why should I be the one
to bear all the responsibility?

- Because you're a girl.
- So?

It's our burden as girls
to be the vigilant ones,

because it's our bodies
that bear the fruits of labor.

- I know, but--
- But nothing.

If you wanna have sex,

then you, as the girl,

have to take all the risk
and precautions.

The safety checks are yours
and yours alone.

And it doesn't mean that you
have to stop being young

or loving Matty.

It just means you have
to take control of your destiny

and your body,

because...

boys don't get pregnant.

Girls do.

Always protect yourself.

It was exactly what
I needed to hear.

I didn't need
to blame Matty or myself.

I just needed to take action.

Sometimes
my mother was astounding

and could surprise me
with wisdom.

_

That she'd read off a wall.

Thanks.

- I'm not gonna say anything.
- Why?

Because I'm worried
that no matter what I say,

it's the wrong thing.

I'm sorry.

I've just been going through
all these weird emotions.

- And freaking out about--
- Us?

Maybe. Yeah.

Well...

You don't have to.

Because I want you to know
that this thing

is not just sex.

And to prove it, I want
to show you something.

- Close your eyes.
- Doesn't that defeat the point?

Just keep 'em closed.

Oh! Hey!

- Hey! What are you doing?
- Fuck.

I thought you said
this wasn't about sex.

No, no, no, no! It's not.

Hold on.

Look! Heh? _

- You got a tattoo?
- Yeah.

And I had them face it
towards me so I can look at it.

- That is so weird.
- Awesome.

Okay. Yeah, maybe it's
a little impulsive

and incredibly irresponsible.

Matty was proving his affection

in the most permanent way
possible.

I love it.

And you.

So we'll put the brakes on
for a little bit.

It doesn't have to be too long.

Just seven to ten days.

What?

Oh, you know, like
the commercials say,

"one a day,
keeps the baby away."

Oh. Yes.

So I really didn't know Ricky

but I felt him.

These are his ashes.

He's charred, top to bottom

I'm gonna pass him around.

Feel free
to snort a little of him.

It was epic.

The mic is now free
if anyone would like to talk.

Anyone?

I would.

I have a confession to make.

I...

This is gonna be good.

...hated Ricky Schwartz.

He was a cheater and a liar.

And I wanted him to die.

I prayed for him to die.

And I thought about it
every day.

I even once paid someone money

to cast a spell on him
so that he would die.

Me too.

And I feel guilty...

that I don't feel guilty.

And that's all I have to say.

I hated Ricky Schwartz too!

Ricky is
a scum-sucking psycho,

and he made my life miserable
for three years,

toying with my heart.

I'm glad he's dead,

because he can suck my ass.

And mine too!

Ricky and I have been hooking up

since the sixth grade.

He told me he loved me,

and then he betrayed that love

by hooking up
with a bunch of hussies.

- No offense.
- None taken.

I hated him!
I hated him, I hated him.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Thank you.

Come on, this was not the point
of tonight's vigil.

Clearly, we all have reasons
to be here.

For starters-- and I think
I speak for a lot of girls--

we finally have solid closure.

Clearly Ricky knew how
to spread the love.

A little too much,
but it was love none the less.

Ricky Schwartz was the first boy
I fell in love with.

Or at least the first boy
I thought I was in love with.

Whatever.

Doesn't matter,
because the point is,

he showed me
I could really love someone.

And I think I might have
that love again.

- Only better.
- He was my first love too!

Enough. It's not
a competition.

On that note, let's celebrate
the life of Ricky Schwartz.

Rest in peace, Ricky.

You douche bag.

To the douche bag!

All right, let's party!

Suddenly, the vigil had
become an all-out bacchanal.

It was a free-for-all
of seizing the moment.

Everyone was embracing
their youth,

and celebrating being alive.

And in that moment,

I didn't feel
like I had to play it safe

or be responsible.

Because I wasn't driving.

Whoa, Hamilton, way to go.

- But you might want to slow down.
- Why?

Right. Why?

I'm not pregnant.

Totally thought I was,
but I'm not.

And now I'm gonna tear it up.

Yo.

My mom has been up my ass.
I couldn't get off the phone.

- So what'd I miss?
- Not much.

Just some crazy chicks.

And your girlfriend telling me
that she's not pregnant.

She just thought she was.

Excuse me.

Uh, I'm gonna go home.

- Can you get a ride with someone?
- What? Why?

- Just wanna head home.
- Come on, stay, it's fun.

Why didn't you tell me
you thought you were pregnant?

I'm... not.

But you thought you were.

Only for a few days.

Do you want to go to your truck?

- Uh, yeah, I do. Alone.
- Please, talk to me.

I can respect that you didn't
want to talk about it before.

So can you please respect that I
don't want to talk about it now?

Good night, Jenna.

♪ Good-bye,
like the first time ♪

♪ good-bye, good-bye ♪

♪ good-bye, good-bye,
like the first... ♪

Next on Awkward...

Something is definitely off
in my relationship.

I'd say
it's pretty clear-blue easy.

Matty's freaked out
over the pregnancy scare.

Matty doesn't want
to get laid, he wants to talk.

I can't be alone with him.

B-F G-F B-F-F.

The "boyfriend, girlfriend, best
friends forever" double date.

That is completely insane
and I am all-in.

I would swing by,

but I have to have
a conversation with Jenna.

So have it.