Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Campaign Fail - full transcript

It's time for Jenna to get back on the straight and narrow, but she's done more damage to her friends and family than a little campaigning can fix. Will they forgive her or will she have to go to extremes to right her wrongs?

Previously on Awkward...

- You're suspended.
- Ms. Marks called you

for dating advice, and she made
you touch her breast?

- I am not gonna publish this.
- It's all true.

- It's cruel.
- I need to go home.

See ya.

Thank you for being my hero.

That's all I ever wanted to be.

[Austra's Hurt Me Now playing]

Morning had broken,
and so had I,

because of the choices
I had made under the influence



of a drug--
Collin Jennings.

Against my better judgment,

I had bought into
his propaganda,

and it left me heartbroken,
alone, and humiliated.

I felt left out in the cold...

because I was.

- [Leaf blower roars]
- ♪ on a bed of stone ♪

Surprisingly,
my dad was willing

- to let me back in the house...
- ♪ oh, don't hurt me now ♪

Which didn't mean he was ready

to put me back on his
"Friends And Family" plan.

♪ oh, don't hurt me now ♪

There were no "Buts" about it.

I had hit rock bottom.



I wanted my life back.

I knew it wouldn't be
an easy campaign,

but I couldn't make an omelet
without cracking a few eggs.

Fresh pepper?

Sure.
[Chuckles]

I printed off the college
basketball scores

from this morning's paper.
Go, Jayhawks.

Thanks, Jenna.

My campaign seemed
to be working.

I was winning over constituents
left and right.

- What's this?
- Your bill for the month.

If you don't want to live
by our rules,

then this is
a business relationship,

and you can pay rent.

Oh!

I'll deduct 20 bucks since
you slept in the yard.

I may be your landlord,

- but I'm not heartless.
- Mm.

My well-meaning breakfast

having done nothing
to sway public opinion,

I resorted to pandering.

I know you love
that extra vent.

You look pretty.

I know.

What are you doing?

Getting a life.

Apparently, I need one.

Okay, posters up,
banners draped, speech written.

Do you think people will know
I spelled "President"

with a "Z" on purpose?

No one's gonna vote for me
if they think I'm a dumbass.

I can't believe you did
all this in one night.

- Did you sleep at all?
- Yeah!

I made these too, with my
button maker from fifth grade.

Thank God my mom's a hoarder.

I was hoping I could win back
my friends

with a little glad-handing.

Hey, guys!

- Hey.
- Uh, hi.

I think you'd make
a great president, T.

- You always were a leader.
- Are you being sarcastic?

Not at all.

Can I wear one?

Well, you both look good.

[Sighs]

You proved your point.
This is hilarious,

and adorable,
and you can stop now.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I am running.

I already got the required
175 signatures.

- Overnight?
- Look, Jake,

if you want to be president,

you're gonna have to fight
for it like everyone else.

You think it was easy for me
to find banner paper

and grommets after 7:00
at night?

Crepe paper doesn't
twist itself.

So, if you're done dancing
around the maypole,

it's time to strap on
and play some hardball.

Okay.
Game on!

Game on.

- More like game off!
- That's not a thing.

The warm-- or rather,
lukewarm-- reception

from my peers was a clear sign

my approval rating was
on the rise.

I felt encouraged, inspired,
and like Myles McAllmond,

I was determined to run
a clean race.

♪ breathe it out
breathe it in ♪

And, like Myles, I would fail.

As a result of my recent trip
down ecstasy lane,

I have conveniently forgotten

the mud-slinging
had already begun,

and I was the one with mud
on my hands.

Mr. Hart, you cannot publish
my essay about Val.

You were right, it was cruel,
and when I wrote it,

I was in a bad, bad place.

But I am no longer
in that place,

so you can just throw it away,

and I will write something new.
Deal?

Hart's not here today,
so I'm covering for him.

His grandma died.

- Again.
- Great!

Not great about his grandma,

great that I have time
to kill my essay

before the Experior comes out.

That would have been
all over the place.

Wow, timing on that
couldn't have been better.

There was nothing I could do.

The information
had gone public.

I had to warn Valerie.

I need some advice
about getting a life.

I want do something,
be something, go somewhere.

I cannot tell you how long I
have waited for you to say that!

I have always wanted

to blow this town
Thelma and Louise style.

Like, take a drive
into a canyon.

Then we live how I imagine
they lived in that canyon,

with some Indians.

No, I mean, get a job.

There's got to be something here
at the school I can apply for.

I'll do anything.

- Can you apply a band-aid?
- Yes!

Can you dial 911?

Yes.

Can you wield an ice pack,
even if it's really cold?

- Yes!
- Can you wield

a really cold ice pack

while dialing 911?

I can!

- You're qualified.
- Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I'm qualified!

Wha-- uh-- for what?

Have you heard of
the ASS contest?

I won one!

But I didn't get a paperweight.
I won 50 bucks.

It's a district-wide
after school special contest

that we won!

And the prize is
a nurse for a month.

A school nurse?

Am I really qualified for that?

No, but you don't
have to have any experience,

or to pass
any competency tests.

Heck, our last nurse
was certifiable...

in CPR, but she was also
koo koo kachoo.

- I mean, she had a walrus face.
- Huh.

One last question.

Do you have any problems
with nepotism?

Don't even know what that is!

You're hired.

I'm a nurse!

And, I already own
a nurse's outfit.

Okay, crotchless doesn't count.

Hey, is it okay to sit here?

[Clears throat]
Absolutely.

Is Devon gonna be okay
with that?

Yeah.

She's actually off-campus and...
[Phone chirps]

texting as we speak.
[Sighs]

- Is everything okay?
- Everything is fine.

- Do you want to talk about it?
- I think that might be

a little weird, you know?
Considering?

We don't have to talk about it.

- Good.
- Great.

Okay, so here's the deal.

Devon was totally cool about

you and our... history.
I mean, she completely

encouraged me
to stay your friend.

Wow, she's perfect.

That is what I thought,
until she completely freaked

on me last night when
I went to pick you up.

Well, she's human.

Wait, you left her
to pick up me?

That is besides the point.

The point is that she hasn't
stopped yelling at me over text.

Is it all in caps?

- Half and half.
- Then you're good.

- She's just venting.
- But now I am--

I am a little freaked out.

I mean, I've had enough drama,

so I think I might need
to take a break or something.

- What do you think?
- It was a loaded question.

Selfishly, I wanted him
to take a break

and spend his
free time with me.

But, it was time
to stop being selfish.

I think you should take a beat
and let her calm down.

It's understandable
why she's upset.

I would be too.

Yeah, you're right.

Now, can I get your opinion
on something?

- Sure.
- During my sanity sabbatical,

I wrote a mean article about Val
for the lit magazine,

and it came out today.

Hey, maybe it's not
as bad as you think.

Let me take a look.

The lowercase "T"s are
gluten free, 'cause I care about

the digestive requirements
of all students.

Vote for Tamara!

- [Fanfare music]
- My fellow titans,

- vote for Jake!
- [Cheers and applause]

[Laughs]
All right!

[Cheering]

Ming! You forgot to "Asiacate"
the mafia about the game change!

Dude!
Take off the shirt.

Unh!

[Grunts]
[Groans]

- Mm!
- Vote for Tamara, okay?

- [Mumbles]
- Got it?

[Distant cheering]

Point those crazy eyes
somewhere else.

I'll fix it!

- Sadie, I need your help.
- Skiddads, Nancy Pe-loser.

I'm making a deal
with urban outfitters.

Ten times what I got for
the banana slicer.

But I need
your virtual support,

and since you're
my cheer-sister,

you have to give it to me!

You wanna settle, Crayzilla?

Settling.

I know you've got thousands
of followers,

and even if only a few of them
go to this school,

it could totes rock my vote.

So, if you could just tweet
about me,

maybe use one of my slogans,

or post a pic of us
in our cheer gear?

My followers look to my feed
for opinions delivered cruelly,

sans couching,
in under 140 characters.

It's not about promoting you
or anyone else.

That said, if you'd like to be
a paid sponsor--

Yes! How much?

I'll give you
the banana slicer rate.

500.

I don't have
that kind of money.

Well, then, I guess
I can't help you.

Which works out,
because I didn't want to.

Hmm.

These cookies
taste like defeat.

So does my fist.

Okay!
New mandate.

We're putting our support
behind Tamara now.

- You're flip-flopping.
- So?

The circumstances were beyond
my control.

Clearly.

Now, I want t-shirts,

cupcakes with Tamara's face on
them with leopard print icing.

Figure out how to do that.

And who do we know who's
a skywriter?

I'm gonna stop you right there.

We're not doing any of that.

[Mocking voice]
Um, yes, you are.

You still don't know
how this works.

Please.
As head of the Asian maf--

That's exactly what
I'm talking about.

We never say those words aloud.

We're supposed to be hiding
in the shadows.

Taking down posters
in the dead of night,

that's the kind of thing we do.

And what's up with
the cheat sheets?

I'm getting Cs.

- What?
- Yeah.

And have you seen our ledger?

It got puked on at a rave.

The accountant went to a rave?

You need to get that kid
under control.

And you need to lose the 'tude,

- and the Jake shirts.
- And wear what?

Do I have to figure everything
out for you?

You can go now.

Wow!

- It's bad.
- Yes.

But don't worry, people only
read the Experior

for the sex stories.

Nobody's gonna bother
with your essay.

As much as it pains me to say,

your essay is awesome!

I am impressed.

It is way more barbaric
than anything

I could have written.

Unfortunately, Matty was wrong.

People were reading
my attack ad,

and worse,
they were believing it.

[Bell rings]

Hey, what's up?

Why are you giving me
the cold shoulder?

Are you kidding me?

I'm really sorry I didn't take
you home last night.

If it's any consolation,
I ended up getting a cab.

That's why you're sorry?

- ♪ swing for me child ♪
- Is there something else

- I should be apologizing for?
- ♪ swing for a while ♪

Oh, I don't know.

Letting your ex slip me "X,"

making out with her right
in front of my face--

I mean, right in front
of my face--

trying to lure me
into a threesome?

I thought you'd be cool
with it.

No. Not cool.

Did you sleep with Angelique?

How long have you been
sleeping with her?

♪ you and I will become one ♪

- [Sighs]
- You never stopped.

I'm sorry.

I thought we were on
the same page.

So did I.

Look, I'm pretty sure
I was clear

about not wanting
a girlfriend right now.

If you were clear,
then I am deaf.

Hey, if you brought
this up to me

at any point
in the relationship--

- So now it's a relationship?
- Yeah.

A relationship that was
never exclusive.

I ruined friendships
because of you,

alienated my parents,
publicly eviscerated Valerie--

Stop!
Those were all your decisions.

That's all on you, Jenna.

You're right.

And being an asshole
is all on you.

But I was a bigger one.

As much as I wanted
to blame Collin, or the pot,

or my evil twin
for corrupting me,

I was a willing participant
in my descent into darkness.



And I'd pulled
Val down with me.

That brings me
to proposal number 20,

locker swap.

Many of you suffer from LPSD,

Locker Placement
Stress Disorder,

because your locker
is near an ex's,

or some creepy guy
who leaves you gross notes.

With locker swap,
you can trade lockers

with someone in
a different hall.

It's like online dating,
but for lockers.

In conclusion,
it's time for a change.

Vote for me.

Make Palos Hills Tamara-land.

[Cheers and applause]

- Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!
- [Cheers and applause]

And now, we'll hear from
our next candidate,

- Jake Rosati!
- [Cheers and applause]

Hello.

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

- Yeah, Jake!
- You got it!

I know what being ASB
President entails.

My opponent, unproven.

You've trusted me
for three consecutive years,

but can you trust my opponent?

Well, that depends.

Can you trust someone
who sometimes pretends to be

- on her period...
- Oh!

- ...to get out of gym?
- [Crowd murmurs]

Sorry, guys.

With me, what you see
is what you get.

My opponent?

It's not even
her real hair color

or her real eyelashes.

- [Laughter]
- Oh! It's Latisse!

- They grow really long.
- Can I finish?

Honest, real hair color.

I think the choice
is clear, huh?

[Cheers and applause]

You want to play dirty?

Let's do this.

The only reason prom tickets
aren't sold out yet

is because everybody thinks

"Barack O-prom-a"

- is a lame theme.
- [Laughter]

Miss Kaplan,
this is not a debate.

Mr. Rosati,
don't respond to that.

This is a forum where people
can just speak--

Please.

If it wasn't for me,

that water fountain outside
the cafeteria

would have never been fixed.

No one cares about
that drinking fountain.

With my soda machine initiative,
it will be totally obsolete.

[Cheers and applause]

Instead of focusing
on the past,

we should be thinking
about "Tamara"!

Give it a rest.
We got the reference the first,

second, and twentieth time
that you used it.

- [Crowd oohs]
- At least I have a slogan.

But how do you expect us
to take you seriously

when it's written
in glitter pen?

- [Laughter]
- It adds pizazzle,

which is what I plan
to do in office.

I have an endless supply
of brills ideas.

Like hiring a DJ
for Picture Day.

What's wrong with that?

There's no need
to change Picture Day.

Picture Day was just fine
on his own.

Like this campaign,
it doesn't need you.

[Gasps] You think you can just

show up on Picture Day
and put in no effort

until the last minute?

Picture Day is special.
Don't take it for granted.

Don't you have plenty
of other things to worry about

instead of meddling
in Picture Day?

Well somebody had
to meddle in it,

because Picture Day
was phonin' it in.

Personally, I'm just glad
I'm not the type of leader

who feels the need
to prove a point.

And I'm glad I'm not the type
of leader that thinks everything

will just be handed to them
because of their popularity.

- [Cheers and applause]
- This guerilla debate is over!

Ms. Marks, I need to see you
in my office.

Oh, yeah, I know, cell phones
are verboten in auditorium.

It was an emergency.

My kitties.

My office, now!

I didn't get a chance
to give my speech.

Ugh, you were never gonna win.

The speeches are over.
Get back to class.

Don't make me keep saying it.

I've said it, like, 40 times!

If our bodies were 70% water,

I was probably down
to about 4%,

which meant it was time
to face Valerie.

If only I'd had a speech writer
to help me find

the right words to say.

But I couldn't help but feel...

- ♪ the memories slide ♪
- ...there weren't any right words.

[Knock at door]
Wrap it up!

I need my favorite stall
for a tink and think.

♪ against my mind ♪

I didn't know it was you.

How did your speech go?

It was okay.

It wasn't okay.
It sucked.

♪ your arms crossed
to the ceilings ♪

- ♪ when the aliens came ♪
- It was a bold move,

but I couldn't help myself.

I needed that hug.

The smell of her hair, and the
feel of her earring on my cheek

reminded me of
the best of times.

Times I wanted back.

Our hugs were like
an old sweater,

the kind you...

- cram in a shrink bag.
- Have you seen Ming?

I could really use
a friend right now.

Um, no.

Well, if you do,
tell her to come find me.

♪ wake me up after midnight ♪

♪ with your atlas eyes ♪

♪ your atlas eyes ♪

Where's Valerie?
I really need to talk to her.

And what's there to talk about?

I'd imagine you've said
all you needed to say.

What's going on?

Ms. Marks is on
an indefinite suspension.

I always knew she was a few
knights short of a crusade,

but I had no idea
she was that crazy.

You killed it.

Thanks, and thanks
for voting for me.

Bye.
[Both screaming, laughing]

- Nice job, Madame President.
- Look at us.

The two most powerful people
at Palos Hills.

- Yeah.
- Thanks for your help.

I couldn't have done it without
the Asian mafia.

About that-- I'm not sure
they voted for you.

I mean, you won,
so they must have.

Why wouldn't they? No, they did.
[Laughs]

I don't know.

That was so sexy.

We have to role-play again
like that sometime.

That's my cue.

What's wrong?

Are you for real?

ASB President was my thing,

so you took it from me
just for the hell of it,

and it means nothing to you.

Well, it sure seemed like
it meant nothing to you.

You didn't even want
to work for it.

I don't understand
why you're so mad.

You're my girlfriend!

What if I wanted to be
a cheerleader?

I'd love that!

Camp would be a blast!

What if I took your spot?

The only spot left on the team?

- I'd go back to band.
- What if I learned how to play

the clarinet and then took
the last chair?

I think anyone who wants
to join band can join band.

You don't get it.

I get that someone's being
a sore loser.

I'm not being a sore loser.

Whether or not you think
I was over it, I wasn't.

I loved being president,
and you ruined that for me.

You have no interest in this.
You just had to prove a point.

You had to put me in my place.

Well now I'm gonna put you
in yours.

We're done.

Take care.

I had bypassed dinner,

and I wasn't even on
a hunger strike.

I wasn't hungry.

All day, I had tried and failed
to navigate my way

through the politics
of my relationships.

If Aristotle's theory was true,

and man, by nature,
is a political animal,

I would argue that
I was a sitting duck.

There was no point in trying
to right my wrongs anymore.

I had gone too far,

and there was only one action
left to take--

quit my campaign in disgrace.



Some say that actions
speak louder than words,

but actions are temporary.
Words are forever.

I realized that
I was making the mistake

of putting too much importance
on actions,

when ultimately, words were
going to provide my redemption.

Specifically, two of them.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, mom.

[Sniffles]
[Both crying]

♪ ♪

I'm sorry.

- Next on Awkward...
- What's tonight at Matty's?

The Saint Matty's party,

- for Saint Patty's Day.
- Devon and Matty broke up.

- Why?
- Apparently, she's convinced

he's not over you.

Everyone, this is Hunter.

She's a former student of mine.

- What can I bring tonight?
- Just yourself.

Matty, this is my friend,
Bailey.

Thank you for coming.

Come find me later.
I want to hang out.