Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 2, Episode 2 - Sex, Lies and the Sanctuary - full transcript

- Previously on Awkward...
- You want another chance?

- I won't screw up again.
- I came with Jake.

But you can stay with me.

I should wash my mouth out.
I puked in the sink.

- I'm all in.
- This came in the mail for you.

With the new year came freedom.

I had a boyfriend who was happy
to be seen with me

in direct sunlight.

And I had to say it felt good

to have an open relationship.

Not open in a creepy,
polyamorous way,



- just public.
- Oh, no, man, look at that!

Something's going down
at the sanctuary.

Check it out.

Bad news, dudes.

We've been TMZed.

How long has that been recording?

I don't know.

Last time I clocked the security camera,
it was pointed at the football field.

Can you imagine
all the scandalous stuff

that's been caught on tape?

Including my secret relationship

with Matty McKibben.

I am barely over my suicide stigma.

I can't be known as the girl
who hooked up on tape.



If you got down and dirt3
in that hellhole,

you have more to worry about
than your image.

The sanctuary is the slutty
vagina of Palos Hills.

Total petri dish.

It is so gonna suck
when you get expelled.

Thanks for piling on my freakout.

Who gives a [bleep] if someone
stole the footage

from the sanctuary?

It's not like it's gonna ruin
your reputation

when it goes viral.

Everybody already knows
you're a slut.

The tape is going public?

No!

Oh, my God...

I hope I at least have a cameo.

From the neck up.

If these happy sacs
are gonna be webified,

I'm gonna need to be compensated.

I won't be on that tape.

Kinda hard to get in trouble

when you're uber-boring
and have no secrets.

It's a good day to be Asian.

But not a good day to be me.

Now I have to tell Jake about Matty

before he finds out the hard way.

I have to get more info
on this footage.

I seriously doubt
they picked up anything

on that sanctuary cam.
It's so dark,

I'm sure all you can see
are shadowy figures.

Probably not faces, right?
No faces?

Yeah, I guess.
I know it's in the past,

and I told Jenna
that it doesn't bother me,

and I don't want it
to bother me, but it kinda does.

Get to the point.
Any point, please.

Jenna told me she's not a virgin.

She's not?

No.

- Did you sleep with her?
- No!

Well, I mean... not yet.
You know.

That has nothing to do with you, man.

That happened before
you two started going out,

so... stop stressing it.

- Remember that girl I lost it to?
- No.

Exactly.
Either do I.

Is that supposed
to make me feel better?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, hey. I gotta go to study gym.

Which is... does exist.

What was that?
Did you tell him about us?

- No, he told me about us.
- What?

He said you slept with somebody,

but for now,
he doesn't know who it is.

- Why'd you tell him?
- That's none of your business.

It is now. That video
could surface any minute.

So we can tell Jake,
or he can find out

with the rest of the world.

Oh, principal Cox.

- Good day.
- No, bad day, Ms. Marks.

If this sanctuary scandal blows up,

- we could all go down.
- I don't want to go down.

I've been there.
One minute,

you're on top of the world, the next,

you're butt-poppin' meth
in an abandoned warehouse

- with a guy named rooster.
- Oh... oh...

I-I need your connections

to help us get this God dang tape.

Mmm,

let me put on
my murder, she wrote glasses

and I will get on it.

Actually,
they're just reading glasses,

but when I lose my keys, I put 'em on

and boom, I instantly find 'em.

'Cause you can actually see.

When you do find that tape,

don't watch it,
just bring it straight to me.

J, like former president Clinton

and former prime minister Tony Blair,

you and I have what some might call

a special relationship.

- Absolutely.
- Okay, ha!

In this scenario, I will be
prime minister Tony Blair,

and you will be Clinton.

Do you know anything about

this alleged sanctuary tape?

Why? Do you?

I asked you first.

No, but I was hoping you had
some inside information

with special friends
would obviously share.

Why do you want to know?

Just curious.

And desperate to know
how much time I had

before I had to tell Jake.

My honeymoon was not ready
to be over.

All right, the truth is
I don't know anything.

I didn't even know
there was a sanctuary

until this morning.

Great.
Well, thanks anyway.

Say hi to the wife for me.

The four of us should get together

for some fondue.

Seriously, j, if you think
of anyone who's in the know,

just send 'em my way.

If there was anyone at P.H.

who knew what was going on
before anyone else, it was...

The Asians?

I'm not eating lunch
with those people!

Ming, you're Chinese.
They're your people!

I am in a code orange
soon-to-be-red situation.

My happiness is at stake.
I need to know if Matty and I

are on that frikkin' tape.

How do the Asians fit
into this equation?

It's no secret, they know
everything about everything.

The Asians brought
their earthquake kits to school

a week before the last earthquake.

And they threw Elena Harvey
a baby shower

before she knew she was knocked up.

Asians aren't magic.

They don't have
to control over everything.

Yes, they do.
Why do you think our school flag

has a dragon on it?

Ming, I'm not asking you
to be friends with them.

It's just one lunch.

♪

- Hi, I'm...
- Ming Wong.

555 Trailriders drive.

- We know you.
- You do?

Your parents own a sundries
shop on the peninsula,

and they're crazy strict.

How do you know that?

The how is not
as important as the why.

Asians make up 30%
of the Palos Verdes population,

so it's important for us
to know everything about them.

What I don't know is
are you a cool Asian

or a school Asian?

- What are your PSAT scores?
- 120.

Low. You're not a school Asian.

Have you ever spring breaked
in Cabo, dealt Adderall,

or had an affair with the lead singer

of an indie rock band?

Not a cool Asian either.

So what am I?

You're white.

- Sushi?
- Wow. Thanks.

Uh, I'm not a real Asian,
so I don't know your name.

Becca.

What can we do for you?

Do you know anyone
that can get their hands

on that sanctuary footage?

My friend needs to know
if she's on it.

We don't stick our necks out
for round eyes.

That's kinda racist.

No, it's not.
Their eyes are round.

Yeah, but...

Now you're a racist.
-, I'm not!

It's cool. Why do you think
I changed my name to Becca

from Wan Fu Win?

Because everyone's a racist.

I'm kidding.

We'll see what we can do
and get back to you.

Until then, here are the answers
to tomorrow's history test.

Oh, my God, this is great.
Thanks.

No, thank you.
You've been making us look bad.

They had Sushi delivered?
A-masian!

You guys, Asians are so cool!

They agreed to investigate
the tape sitch

and slipped me some test answers!

Thanks for the hookup.
If anyone can

smoke out the footage, it'll be them.

I think we lost Ming to the far east.

I feel dirty...
And alive.

I feel Asian!

Kung Pao shrimp, lasagna, and
potato chip chicken casserole.

Those dishes
don't really go together.

Sure, they do.

They are Jenna's favorites.

I guess I know our daughter

a little better than you do.

My mom thought she could work her way

back into my heart
through my stomach.

She didn't know me at all.

What's going on here?

You're cooking,
and you're not eating.

My Matty secret wasn't
the only one I was keeping.

My mom and I were
still harboring her secret

that she wrote the letter,
and I figured

she should be the one to bust it out.

Mom, do you want to tell him?

Why not?

Lacey, what the hell did you do?

Jenna wanted me to tell you that I...

We're both getting perms!

Guess I should have let her tell you.

{pub}When are you going
to tell dad about the letter?

I've tried.

You don't know how hard it is
to tell someone something

that might break their heart.

I knew exactly how hard it was,

which is why I had
conveniently forgotten

to tell Jake about Matty.

What about me?

You broke my heart
when you wrote that letter.

And I still don't know
why you wrote it.

Jenna, I was only trying to help you.

- I swear.
- You are unbelievable.

I'm sorry.
I wish I could take it back.

Not a minute goes by that
I don't regret writing it.

Tell dad about the letter, or I will.

I am done with secrets.

And I wasn't the only one.

The threat of the sanctuary tape
being exposed

ignited a school-wide
pre-emptive strike.

People were spilling
their secrets faster

than a bunch of drunk-ass
reality stars in a hot tub.

I kinda cheated on you
in the sanctuary.

I did the stone 'n bone
with Cici Markling.

I ate a double cheeseburger there.

Best thing I ever put in my mouth!

I made out with Matty McKibben,

and he is a terrible kisser.

It didn't happen
in the sanctuary, though.

I wouldn't go near that cess pit.

As pissed as I was at my mom

for not divulging her secret,

I was just as mad at myself
for holding on to mine.

Ming, you can 86 the tape hunt.

I've decided to tell Jake.

What if it turns out
you're not even on it?

It doesn't matter.
Jake deserves to know.

Even if he hates me for it.

I'll tell Becca
to call off the search.

I don't need the tape anymore.

I'm sorry, but that train
already left the station.

And you can't jump off
of a moving train.

Actually, you can, but then
you might break something!

I'll have that tape
to you by tomorrow.

Ooo-kay.

And thanks again for the cheat sheet.

I'm not complaining, but did you know

a few of those answers are wrong?

I didn't want to "red flag" you.

No one would buy it if you went
from being a "c" student

to full-immersion overnight.

You still only know one language.

Oh...

I'm just saying
I can't imagine some dude

sitting through
a billion hours of footage

just to find a few minutes
of good stuff.

What a pain in the ass.

Are you on it?
Have you been cross-dressing

in the sanctuary?

- Yeah. Can I borrow your thong again?
- As long as you hand-wash it.

You're the one obsessing, Rosati.

I can't help it.

This Jenna thing is bumming me out.

I'm really into her, man.

I just assumed she was a virgin.

You you can't be upset with Jenna

for something she did

- before she met you.
- I know.

But that's not
what's driving me nuts.

It's that Jenna was in love
with this other guy.

How am I supposed
to compete with that?

Is she still in love with him?

I don't know.

Why would you say that?

I'm sorry.

Sorry, I gotta run.

I need to ask you something.

Have you slept with
anyone else besides me?

No, but what I have
or haven't done doesn't...

I love you.

Hey.
Sorry it took so long.

You ready?

I was definitely ready...

To hit the nearest
self-destruct button.

{pub}Do you like this song?

I like this song.
I don't get it, though.

"Her kisses taste like damage."

Is he trying to say that
the girl is emotionally damaged,

or that she tastes like
vodka and cigarettes?

Yeah.

- Jenna, I don't like secrets!
- Secrets? What secrets?

The guy you slept with.

I'm totally jealous of him.
Does that sound crazy?

Yeah, I know, it does.
And I'll own it.

I'm acting like a total whack job,

and I don't even know
who this guy is.

And you know what?

I don't wanna know.

Because you're with me now...

And that's all that matters...
Right?

Okay.

Yeah. There.

Got that out of my system.
Now I can act like a dude again.

You still have to tell him.

He doesn't want to know.

One way or another, [bleep] gets out.

And Matty said he loves you.

Which is totally
[bleep] up, by the way.

How dare he do that now.
What a jerk.

A jerk in love,
which is why he could go rogue.

Look at all the crazy stuff I've done

because of Ricky Schwartz.

The clock is ticking, Jenna,

and according
to Ming's new fr'asians,

wait, friends who are Asians?

Yeah. The footage exists,

and it's coming out today.

Today, Jenna!

This tape is a terrorist's backpack,

and it's entering the open
market of your relationship.

Well, Jake said that
he wasn't interested

in hearing the details
of my former relationship,

and I am going to take that
at face value.

Yeah, well, how is Jake gonna feel

when he finds out
that face belongs to Matty?

You're taking the easy way out.

Maybe. But even if I am
on that footage,

I'm covered.

Jenna Hamilton's not on it.

The security camera was
only turned around for two days.

How did you know
I was getting it for Jenna?

How do I know your
grandparents were born

two Miles outside
of the Jiangsu province,

where they sustained themselves

by running a fish farm?

I just do.

My grandpa said he was an engineer.

Oh. You still want this?

The only thing interesting
is vice principal Highmore

hooking up with some guy
in a fugly snowflake tie.

Gross. I'd still love
to check it out.

And should I ever need a favor?

- Anything.
- Not right now.

But one day in the future,
Ming Fei Yen Huang.

One day.

Jenna, I've got it.

Oh, [bleep] me!

Guess what I got.
Nice tie.

Isn't it a little late
for snowflakes?

You didn't watch that, right,
like I specifically instructed

as your higher-up?

I have seen it,
and it is tres scandalous.

What... what did...
What did you see?

I saw things.
Things that would have made

a lesser woman weep.

Are you familiar with
French new wave cinema?

Look, don't murder, she wrote
me, Marks, all right?

What are you getting at?

There was a lot of shoe leather

to get my hands on this thing,

and I feel I'm due some respect.

Okay, come here.
I'll give you anything you want.

I'm sorry, Becca, the DVD was snaked

by our crazy guidance counselor.

I know.
That was the plan.

I'm confused.
Average student here, remember?

Attention, students, as of today,

vice principal Rachel Highmore
is stepping down,

and guidance counselor Valerie Marks

will be moving into that position.

Kudos, Ms. Marks.

Highmore was trying to stop us

from parking our cars
in the visitor spaces.

That bitch had to go.

You're in our circle of trust
now, Ming Fei Yen Huang.

And that trust can never be broken.

Never... ever.

You're not on the tape.

- Oh, thank God.
- Now you can stop worrying

about yourself
and start worrying about me.

Hello kitty played me
like her sacrificial pawn.

Whenever she got all serious,
she called me by my full name!

It creeped my [bleep] out.

O.M.G.D.F.,

I think you've just been
inducted into the Asian mafia!

What?

As bad as I felt for forcing Ming

to roll with her homies,

I had to admit I felt good.

The black cloud of scandal
had lifted,

and I no longer had to live in fear.

All my business was handled.

I got the tape from Fred Wu,

- and we are...
- Not on it, I know.

Guess I'll see you around.

That's all you have to say?

- What else is there?
- You know.

I was in such a panic over the tape,

I had put Matty's "I love you"
in a box

and shoved it into
a poorly-lit corner of my mind.

So we don't have to tell Jake.

I don't want to be
anyone's secret anymore.

And I don't want
to keep secrets from Jake.

I really like him.
He's not embarrassed of me,

and he never makes me
feel bad about myself.

Did I?

I'm so sorry, Jenna.

Just please don't tell Jake.

I can't lose him too.

{pub}My secrets were still in the closet.

Jake didn't want to ask,

and Matty didn't want me to tell.

And my mom wasn't ready
to out herself either.

So I had to ask myself,

were some secrets better
revealed or concealed?

"It all depends on the secret."

What do you... mean?

"Is it your secret to tell?"

Thanks for dinner.

I made a chocolate silk pie.

Remember that road trip
to Santa Fe when you were eight?

You loved this pie so much
that you begged us

to order one for the road?

And then you secretly ate
the entire thing

and threw up in the cooler.

Mom, stop.
You don't have to keep

bribing me with food.

I'm never gonna tell dad
about the letter.

That's your secret, not mine.

Thank you.

Kevin...

I wrote that letter to Jenna.

I got your text.

But why am I coming
through your back door?

Uh, for the record,

that's the only back door
you'll ever have access to.

Not a problem.

Thanks for bringing it up, though.

I still have P.T.S.D.
from the whole Lissa situation.

D-don't...
Don't say it.

B-hymen.

So, uh, before I sweat
through another shir...

Can you tell me what it was
that was so important

that you had to say it in person?

Do I need to sit down?

I'm gonna probably sit down.

No, I'm gonna stand.

OK, so, Jake...

I know you don't wanna know
about the other guy,

but I want you to know, that is,
if you do want to know.

But I think you would want to know.

What I want...

Is for you to be comfortable
telling me anything.

Even if it's something
you think I don't want to hear.

I want to hear it.

And I think it's only fair
that you know.

I'm not in love
with that other guy anymore.

I am completely and totally
invested in you.

♪ This life could be

♪ great, spent simply...

You taste like pie.

As long as I don't taste like damage.

Well, maybe a little.