Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

- for 15 years,
i fantasized

about everyone noticing me as i
walked down the hall.

what would i be wearing?

would every guy worship me?

would i be 5 inches taller
and have porn [bleep]?

no.
That was not my reality.

my moment in the spotlight
sucked some serious ass.

but like any good horror movie,

my nightmare began
at summer camp.

it was a lame afternoon dance,

but magic was in the air.



the dorks were getting crunk

and the rest of us
were getting drunk.

and for the first time since
i got my braces off,

i didn't feel...invisible.

- * lose your mind

* we just want to see you

- * gone like damn

- there it was,
the signal.

i was hoping he'd do something
more inspired,

like sniff his armpits.

but Matty had a habit
of doing that a lot.

attention to personal hygiene

is just one of Matty's many
stellar attributes.

he was perfection.



[gagging]

unlike me.

i was a hot mess of nerves,

'cause Matty Mckibben
wanted me--a nobody--

to meet him
in the utility closet.

this wasn't
the inciting incident

of some sappy tyra special about
how i got knocked up

on the last day of camp.

i knew better than to bareback.

our passionate bumping
of uglies was a sign.

this year would be my year.

for once, i wouldn't
be overlooked.

not with matty at my--

back door!
- Oh, sorry. I slipped.

- yeah.
[Chuckles] it's okay.

change was in the air.

i could smell it.

it was change
and pine-scented cleanser.

- hey, am i hurting you?

- somehow, admitting
my virgin status

seemed like a buzz kill.

no, it's, uh...

probably just an allergy attack.

i get 'em all the time.

don't let it stop you.

- oh, okay.

- whew!

- awesome!

[sighs]

are you bummed?

the summer's, like, over.

- yeah.

- any plans for your
last two weeks?

- i don't know.

probably just hang out,

watch movies,
swim or something.

- cool.

- are you going
to sophomore orientation?

- well, don't we have to?

- right.
Of course.

uh, no.

what i meant was--

i couldn't help myself.

matty had cracked
my hard candy shell

and it was oozing
with sticky sweet love.

do you want to go together?

- [chuckles]

hey...

you are the [bleep], j-town.

- so he wasn't a poet.

he was still matty mckibben...

- but nobody can know
that i like you.

- and i was still
jenna hamilton.

- that's ridiculous.

allison is not a size 2.
No!

i saw her at the club.

she was falling out
of her tennis skirt,

and not in a good way.

hey, jenna.

this came in the mail for you.

jim is a plastic surgeon.

yeah, he would never sleep
with her.

- my mother always knew
when something was wrong.

- sweetie...come here.

and promptly avoided
the conversation.

- i'm not paying dominique
to do your hair anymore

if you're not gonna style it.

seriously.

- * when we meet again

* my bones will ache

* my muscles shake

* my blood will rush

* my face will flush

- what do i call the worst day
of my life?

- * when we meet again

* your eyes will drop

* my heart will stop

- "robbed, raw, and reeling."

[im chimes]

[cell phone rings]

- he blew you off?
That's crap-ass!

but i sort of saw it coming.

- and you didn't warn me?

- it wasn't like i saw it
psychically or anything.

guys like matty don't go
for girls like us.

but look at the bright side.

at least matty didn't
digitize you,

broadcast it to the entire band,
and then ditch you

at winter formal to hook up
with scary carrie.

that was hardcore humiliation.

in your scenario,
at least nothing happened.

- yeah, at least
nothing happened.

- can you imagine
how suicidal you'd be if,

god forbid, you actually
took your shirt off?

- i can only imagine.

- i sense some sad times
at jenna high

and you have got to
snap out of it.

marching band's
having a kegger

at ricky schwartz's
house tonight.

i need my favorite
wingwoman there

since ming's bagged out.

- is she grounded again?

- yeah, she can't get her psat
scores above 120.

her parents are starting to
think she might not be chinese.

- okay, that's so not cool.

- i didn't say it,
ming did.

so will you come?

- not sure.
Call you later?

- i'll keep my phone up close
and personal in anticipation.

it's on vibrate.

now go sob in your blog.

and feel free to quote me.

[keypad beeps]

- "jenna, as you are now,

"you could disappear
and no one would notice.

"a friend.

"below is a list of suggestions
you should take

"into serious consideration.

number one: stop being such
a [bleep]."

"whoever wrote the letter
didn't pull any punches.

it was the truth
and the truth hurt."

- dinner in ten!

- "sometimes being a teenager
makes you want to die."

[sighs]

you do look awful.

aspirin, take me away.

[gagging]

[glass shatters]

[coughs]

[screams]

ah!

[electricity crackles]

- jenna?
Jenna?

jenna!

- physically,
she's on the road to recovery.

but emotionally,
it's gonna be a long haul.

did she exhibit
any warning signs?

- why can't she be like
every other teenager

and just starve herself?

i mean, i can wrap my head
around that, but this?

- lacey, this isn't about you.

our daughter is suicidal.

i can't even imagine
what she was feeling

when she wrote that note.

[glass shatters]

- it was just a dramatic
teenage rant,

not a cry for help.

[groans]

- hey, sweetheart.

- it's okay, honey.

everything's gonna be okay.

- it was a misunderstanding
of epic proportions.

god, i wanted to die.

i mean--you know what i mean.

- when i was initially
charting my course

to visibility,
i really should have defined

the kind of visibility
i wanted.

- that girl was in
my western civ class last year.

i had no idea
she was huffing spray paint.

- my mom's manicurist's
friend's therapist

was at the hospital when
that girl came in.

i swear it was pop rocks
and coke.

- i heard when they pumped
that girl's stomach,

they found, like...

700 pills.

- what kind of pills?

- no, it was autoerotic
asphyxiation.

i love that girl.

- for two weeks,
i tried to explain

that my accident was just that--
an accident.

the more i denied it,
the more everyone assumed

i was in denial.

it was a vicious circle.

[laughter]

- i mean, he has a fupa.

so creepy.

- i can't believe
that girl showed up.

handicapped is a hard look
to style.

- she should be in
a mental ward.

[loud clangs]

- shh.

- why are you shushing me?

- sorry, sadie.

- the loser wants us
to talk about her.

that's why she did it.

it was a pathetic ploy
for attention.

- she should go to church.

- or thailand.

only a pedophile
would screw her.

maybe.

- everyone is treating me
like i'm in

a bad lifetime movie.

- but you can be the one
with kristen stewart.

- kristen was date raped.

- you guys know i would never
try to hurt myself, right?

- we know, j.

- right?

- i'm hitting shuffle
on this subject.

- hamlet is one
of the most powerful

and influential pieces
of literature

in the english language.

the famous expression,
"to be or not to be?"

what do you think hamlet
is saying there?

anybody?

yes!
You in the back!

- i'm not raising my hand.

- okay.
[Bell rings]

- can you take the sign off

my forehead that says,
"fragile"?

- it's not on your forehead.

it's around your neck.

it's a little big,
but maybe you'll grow into it.

[chuckles]
scratch that.

we said the same thing
about your nipples.

- [laughs]
ow!

just go ahead.

i'm gonna wait out the herd.

- okay, the short bus
is leaving.

- [sniffs]

- it was the first time
we'd seen each other

since my deflowering.

and i'd almost forgotten
how jacked i looked.

- [mouthing silently]
are you okay?

- it was a complicated question.

- jenna hamilton,
please report to the office.

jenna, so nice to meet you.

so i know mr. Michaels
was your guidance counselor

last year,
but considering your recent--

- accident.

- yes.

considering
your recent accident,

mr. Michaels thought
we might be a better fit.

you know, girl on girl.

i mean, girl to girl.

- okay.

- your mom gave me a copy
of the letter that you got.

it wasn't very nice.

- confrontations never are.

- that's a nifty turn
of phrase.

- nifty to say.
Not so nifty to get.

- so, jenna, tell me,
how did it make you feel

when you read the letter?

- crappy.

but you should know
i didn't--

i didn't try to kill myself.

i mean, i have a seriously
low threshold for pain.

- i'm not suggesting
that you did anything.

no, not at all.

but just for fun,
would you mind

if i looked through your bag?

i want to make sure we don't
have any more "accidents."

give it here.

basically i'm here to ensure
that you have a happy

and successful...year.

you weren't planning to ingest
these, were you?

- actually, i was.

they're breath mints.

- so they are.

you know what, jenna?

i got to tell you something.

when i was your age,
i had troubles too.

ugh!
Talk about disasters.

[scoffs]
who am i kidding?

i'm still a mess.

so hot.

but you know what?

that's what gives me
a unique perspective

to make strong connections
with students like yourself.

ooh!
Urban decay!

fancy.

do you have any questions
at all?

- i had about a thousand,
but not one of them

was appropriate.

i think you've covered
just about everything.

- okay.

- my bag.
- Oh.

- yeah.
- That is yours.

- thank you.

[cell phone rings]

[keypad tones]

[cell phone rings]

[keypad tones]

[can clinks]

- recycle, douchebag!

- * his house is
of a different color *

* but that does not
make him you *

- what is the fascination
with me?

- you had a dance with death.

like a bad car crash
on the side of the road,

everyone wants a peek.

- well, the next person
who stares is gonna

get the evil eye.

- an evil eye
in your condition

is not gonna translate.

ooh!
Flash your [bleep]!

- yeah, help me get my panties
off and we're all set.

- all right, hey, hey!

attention, palos hills high!

who's ready to rally?

- oh, perfect timing.

my school spirit's
at an all-time high.

- come on, we've got
a really big football game today

and there is no better way
to get pumped up

than with the wheel of...
Pep!

we need two guys
and two girls.

do i see sadie saxton
raising her hand?

oh, yeah, that's classy,
sadie.

- looks like sadie's six-ton
might be hitting seven tons.

- maybe she eats
to fill a void.

- the only void she has
is in personality.

she's a prima bitcharina
who buys her popularity.

how does a girl who can't even
jump 2 feet in the air

get on a pep squad?

- sorry.

- i never appreciated
sadie's bitchiness,

but i understood it.

she was hungry.

- mckibben, you're not
getting out of this.

- oh, come on, man.

- we don't have to watch this.
- I'm fine.

i wasn't.

despite all my
external wounds,

my heart was probably gonna take
the longest to heal,

and i was tired of the pain.

- you wanna play?
- Yeah.

- all right, get up.

all right, so that--

we need one more girl then.

come on, guys.
One more girl.

one more...

girl.

- your meds
are malfunctioning.

- if everyone's
gonna stare,

i might as well go onstage.

- yeah, okay, we have a taker.

come on down.

- i know what i'm doing.

confession:
i had no idea what i was doing.

but i couldn't look back...
At all.

- personal space.
Ever heard of it?

- hey, it's "jenna," right?

okay, jenna,
spin that wheel.

[cheers and applause]

all right!

come on, guys,
we got to get pumped.

we got a big game tonight
against the warriors.

let's go.

show that football team
your support.

okay, "sex exchange"
is the name of the game.

here's how it's played.

our contestants will now pair up
into teams of two.

they will then go behind
individual partitions

and change into each other's
clothes.

the team that gets
dressed first will win!

[cheers and applause]

- should we even bother?

- hell yeah!

we're in it to win it!
Whoo!

- aww.
- All right, guys.

ready, set, go!

[cheering]

hurry!
Hurry!

all right, guys, come on!
Keep it going!

- come on!
We're gonna win it!

- come on, let's hear it.
Let's hear it.

let them hear you.
All right.

um, come on, come on.

oh, all right.
Hey, it's down to the girls now.

girls: go, sadie!
Go, sadie! Go, sadie!

[cheering]

- whoo!
Yeah! Come on, titans!

[cheers and applause]

um, okay, yeah,
we have our winners!

- jenna! Jenna!
Jenna! Jenna!

all: jenna! Jenna! Jenna!
Jenna! Jenna!

jenna! Jenna! Jenna! Jenna!
Jenna!

- hamilton,
you're an animal.

[growls]

- and you brought
a whole new meaning to

"gettin' in a guy's pants."

i wonder if i can make a shirt
out of pants like that.

- [gasps]
you totally can.

we could make some
serious money.

we'll call the line
"jenna by jenna."

- what happened to sadie?

- she couldn't fit
into matty's clothes.

- no.

- it was karmic intervention.

- i've never been
so humiliated.

i hate that freak.

- it was a stupid pep rally.
- Already forgotten.

- yeah.
- Are you okay?

- no, i'm not okay.

you picked that game
on purpose.

- cruel much?

- i just spun
the wheel of pep.

it could have landed
on anything.

- oh, lame cop out.

- okay, well,
for whatever...

i'm sorry.

- please.

i don't need someone like you
to feel sorry for me.

it's not like i'm gonna kill
myself over it.

[laughter]

- it's true when they say that
no good deed goes unpunished.

- oh, hey.

- hi.

- i, um--

- matty!
[Snaps fingers]

- yeah.

gotta go.

- hey.

don't let her get to you.

sadie loves to play
the victim.

you,
on the other hand,

you have some serious backbone.

- which is about the only thing
not broken on me.

- no, you were--
you were brave.

- babe.

gonna grab fro-yo?

- yeah, just give me a minute,
liz.

- the bell's gonna ring soon.

- then just go without me.

- [scoffs]

- so impatient.

- girls.

- listen, uh, you should stay
out of trouble, jenna.

want to see you around.

- i will.

uh, you will.

sort of hard to miss.

- okay.

[cell phone rings]

[keypad beeps]

- hey, t.
- Okay.

so ricky schwartz
just called me

and he wanted to know if he
could give you a sponge bath.

- creepy.

- with his tongue.

- [laughs]
awesome.

- this year's gonna rule.

ta-ta!
[Keypad beeps]

- things were looking up.

besides my arm.

[moth's wings by passion pit]

*

- * dear friend,
as you know *

* your flowers are withering

* your mother's gone insane

* your leaves have
drifted away *

* but the clouds
aren't leering up *

* and i've come reveling

- "being 'that girl'
was my new identity,

"but i won't let it
define me.

i will define it."

- * you're drifting
like a fire *

* buried deep under the water