Average Joe (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
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Life is about choices.
Heads or tails,
A or B, right or wrong,
live or die.
And sometimes we forget
that the choices that we make
affect everyone around us,
for the good and for the bad.
And some of those choices
are much bigger than others,
choices that,
if they go your way,
you get everything
you've ever desired.
But if they go the other way,
you, your family,
and your friends
will feel the heartache, pain,
and ultimate sadness.
I guess the question is, could
you make a choice like that?
A choice that risked losing
everything you have
and everyone you love?
Could you do it?
Because I did.
- ♪ The road wasn't easy ♪
- ♪ Wasn't easy ♪
- ♪ Journey was long ♪
- ♪ So long ♪
♪ I found the courage ♪
♪ To keep on pressing on ♪
Hey.
Hey.
What the fuck
is everyone looking at?
What do you think
they're looking at it?
Did you have to wear
your uniform?
Yeah, I did.
I told you.
I'm going into the station
right after this.
Besides, they know I'm one
of the good ones, right?
Yeah, I don't know--maybe
take your hand off your gun
in a room full
of grieving Black people.
How you doing?
Fucking shame about Teddy.
I just talked to him last week.
He got me a new battery
for the police cruiser.
Didn't charge me a dime.
Probably wasn't new.
The fuck it wasn't new.
The man said it was new.
- Fine, it was new.
- Yeah.
Well, you know, it was... new.
Like you know car batteries.
I don't?
You run a hardware store.
For now I do,
but I know some battery shit.
What's that mean?
It means I'm no expert,
but I know
some things about batteries.
No, fuck-o, I said,
"You run a hardware store,"
and you said,
"Yeah, for now I do."
Yeah.
Goddamn, Leon,
why'd you say "for now"?
I don't want
to talk about it.
Whatever.
I had
ten fucking hardware stores
before Home Depot came in
and fucked me.
And now a Lowe's is coming in?
A fucking Lowe's?
Okay.
They're going to fuck me
out of the one hardware store
I still have left.
I got the bank up my ass.
I-I took out a second
on the house.
Cathy has been up my ass
every motherfucking minute
of every goddamn day.
Sounds like you got a
lot of things up your ass.
There is nothing in the world
that isn't currently at my ass
right now.
I don't want to talk about it.
Mm.
It's time, Joe.
First off,
me, Angela, and Jen
would like to thank everyone
for coming out
and showing so much love.
And not just today,
but for all the days
since my dad passed.
I had lunch with Pops
the day before the accident.
All he talked about
was his granddaughter--
how proud he is that she
made it into Carnegie Mellon.
Talked about work
and how he loved to drive
around in that...
squeaky piece-of-shit tow truck
of his.
He loved helping strangers.
Hardly charged them anything.
Told you.
- Battery was not new.
- Would you shut up?
Calling the man a liar
at his own funeral?
- Show some respect.
- Shut the fuck up!
Anyway, it was a nice day.
It was our last day.
I remember my pop's
last words to me.
Pulled me close,
and he said, son...
He said, son,
with everything I am...
Fuck Tom Brady.
He said fuck 'em.
Fuck Belichick, fuck everybody
in Boston, fuck 'em.
Fuck Tampa Bay,
fuck everything about 'em.
Fuck 'em and feed 'em beans.
That's what he told me.
Fuck 'em.
Fuck 'em!
- Fuck Tom Brady!
- Yeah!
Fuck that pretty boy.
I'd like to fuck him.
all: Oh!
Okay. Everybody, let's just
bring it on back.
That's enough.
Everybody grab
a drink, please.
Please.
Everyone.
To Teddy Washington,
grandfather, father,
tow-truck driver,
sometimes asshole...
And the world's greatest
Steeler fan you'll ever see.
To Teddy.
all: To Teddy!
Did you, uh, talk to Joe
about the ticket?
What ticket?
What ticket, my dick hole.
With Teddy gone,
Joe's got an extra season
Steelers ticket
on the 50-yard line.
Fucking 50-yard line.
Haven't mention it to him yet.
You?
Nah, not the time.
Definitely not the time.
Joey, my boy.
What a lovely memorial.
- Lovely.
- Thank you.
And you take
as much time as you need
to grieve the loss
of your father.
- Oh, as much time as you need.
- Mm.
But you're back
at work tomorrow, right?
Right?
Right?
Uh...
Of course.
Good.
Well, we're done here.
See you tomorrow, Joey.
Your dad dies in a fire,
and those two are just fine.
Won't let me breathe
a second.
- No.
- Jeez.
Hey, Joe.
What's up, boss?
How you feeling?
I'm good, man.
Yeah, once again, sorry
about your pops, man.
You know he was my man.
Thank you so much, Sam.
I appreciate you, man.
Thanks for coming out, man.
All right.
- Yeah, appreciate it.
- All right.
I'll call you, all right?
You better call me, man.
You know I got you.
All right.
The last watch I bought
from you was a knockoff, too.
Oh, come on, Joe.
- Are you leaving, too?
- Yeah.
Uh, Cathy's got to get home
and watch
the Investigation Channel.
It's Murder Week.
Everybody ain't got
to know my business.
Well, it's not even 7:00,
so I was thinking
maybe you guys can stay
for another drink with us?
Maybe stay for it?
I said no.
I don't think
I'm thirsty right now.
Yeah, maybe
another time, right?
We should let them go.
Yeah. Okay.
Tell Jen that Aunt Cathy
said goodbye.
- Uh-huh.
- Joe.
- Bye, Angela.
- Bye.
All right, brother.
Kill me.
Yeah.
I got you.
He said "kill me."
Well,
you'd be doing him a favor.
Love you.
Love you back.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck you.
Goodbye.
Thank you for coming.
Mm.
Hey, there he is.
Officer Tuchawuski!
Have a drink with your man.
Oh, buddy, I can't.
I got to run the fucking
admin desk tonight.
- Oh.
- But listen to me, okay?
That was a beautiful memorial
tonight, okay?
Mm, thank you.
Teddy would have
been so proud, ticket.
- What?
- What?
Teddy would have been so proud.
No.
Did you just--
did you just say "ticket"?
Why would I say "ticket"?
You better go easy
on that stuff.
You're starting to hear things.
All right.
Give and Ange and Jen my love.
Anything you need,
you call me, all right?
Okay.
- I'll talk to you tomorrow.
- All right, buddy.
Ticket.
I knew--
I knew you said "ticket."
I knew you said--
I knew you said that.
Knew you did.
Baby girl, how you holding up?
I'm okay.
Daddy, you remember Dimitri.
I don't think I do.
Daddy.
I'm very sorry
for your loss, sir.
Uh, y'all, uh--
you, um--y'all--y'all don't
need to hang around here.
You don't.
Y'all can get on out of here.
No, I should stay,
help Mom clean up.
No, no. Y'all go.
Y'all go.
- Okay.
- All right. Okay.
- I love you.
- All right.
I love you, too, okay?
All right.
Whoa.
You take care
of my daughter, okay?
Because if not,
we going to have another
memorial service
for you tomorrow.
Know what I'm talking about?
Yes.
Yes, sir.
All right.
I was just playing.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
You know, I don't do all that.
- How you feeling?
- Not good.
- So stay home.
- I can't.
Ahh.
I got to go clean out
Pop's office,
and I got to try to see
about selling the tow truck.
And then after that,
I got a 1:00
to snake out
Miss Fitzpatrick's toilet.
What about your day?
Um, I'm just going to
Home Depot,
pick up a few things
for the garden,
and then the lunch shift
at the diner.
Man, I hate you got
to go to that place.
Come on.
We talked about this.
I mean, between
Jennifer's schooling
and trying to pay for this
house, we need the money.
But I can get a second job.
Then when
am I going to see you?
It's a good thing--I'm
in your face too much anyway.
Joe...
I'm fine.
And we gonna be fine.
Well, if you get sick--
Then I will quit.
Then you will quit.
You better.
Yeah.
Oh, and when you go get
the stuff for the garden,
can you do me a favor?
Can you get it
from Leon's shop?
Don't go to Home Depot.
Hell, no!
His store sucks,
and their prices are insane.
Girl, no, girl, you got to
support Black businesses.
Uh-uh. Joe, don't come
over here with that.
Nope.
No.
Fat.
Bald.
Oh, shoot.
Paging Dr. Fine As Hell.
What you talking about?
- Hey.
- Hey.
What you doing here, girl?
Well, I just
wanted to come by
and say thank you
for the beautiful flowers
you brought yesterday.
Oh.
And I also came in here
for some gardening tools.
Oh, well, gardening is
down the middle on the right.
S...
Okay.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
That'll be $39.90.
$39.90 for some gloves
and some shears?
That's with the "friends
and family" discount, too.
- Is it?
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh, I am so sorry.
We are cash-only today.
Yeah, Leon got to get
the credit-card machine fixed,
along with his attitude.
- Oh, I have two 20s.
- Perfect.
Okay.
Well, okay.
Um, you have a good day, Cathy.
Okay.
- Bitch.
- Bitch.
Hello?
Hello?
What the fuck?
Shit.
I don't--I don't understand
what you're--
I don't understand
what you're talking about.
I don't understand.
Motherfucker, you!
What the fuck are you doing?
Motherfucker.
Fuck! No!
Hello, Joe.
Dimitri.
Hey, son.
Help me.
Help me, son.
Help me, please.
I need you
to listen to me, Joe.
You need to give me
the combination
to your father's safe.
What?
I don't--I don't know.
God! No, no.
Don't! Don't!
Tell me where the money is.
Tell me where the money is,
and the pain goes away.
There is no money.
But there is!
There's the money your father
stole from my father, Joe--
drug money...
The worst kind to steal.
What fucking drugs
are you talking about?
See, your father transported
money for my family
for many years.
Bullshit.
It's real shit.
People working for us take
a little here, a little there--
cost of business.
But your father,
he gets greedy.
Three weeks ago he steals
Lamborghini
filled with $10 million.
And this stupid fucking man,
hey, he burns himself up
before he tells us
where the money is.
But it's not possible
to keep
a $10 million secret, hmm?
Somebody
in the family has to know.
Maybe your daughter?
You leave--
you leave Jen out of this.
You leave fucking Jen
out of this.
I've been taking
good care of her, Joey.
You know how good
I've been fucking her?
Your little angel?
All night sometimes, Joe.
If she knows, she will tell me.
What about your wife?
Georgi's been following
her around.
Isn't that right, Georgi?
You touch her,
I'll fucking kill you.
So, if not Angela,
not Jennifer,
then, well,
it has to be you, Joe.
I'm going to be nice guy.
I'm going to give
you one last chance.
Where is my money, Joe?
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
♪ You know, it seem to me ♪
♪ You misunderstand
about who you belong to ♪
♪ All the he said,
she said, oh, no ♪
♪ My girl-- ♪
What you doing there, Joe?
Joe!
Joe!
O-okay.
Don't do anything
stupid here, Joe.
Joe!
Okay, okay.
Okay, just calm down.
Oh!
Fuck!
Ha!
Joe!
Joe!
Joe!
What in the entire fuck?
Let me get this straight.
Your dad stole $10 million
from the Russian Mob.
And a Lamborghini.
And a fucking Lambo.
Fuck!
This shit can't be real, right?
It can't be.
Fuck, I don't know, Joe.
I mean, you got
two dead Russians
lying on the floor
of your father's garage
and a handful of broken bones.
I'm pretty sure they were
looking for something.
Okay, okay, fuck.
Jesus.
Oh, hell, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
This for trying to steal
from my friend.
So, no ID, no wallet.
Look at this.
Make it so.
Space-age shit.
You want it?
I got a phone already.
This is for trying to steal
from my friend.
So, what'd they say?
What'd they want?
They wanted the combination
to the safe.
And you don't have it.
Are you out of
your fucking mind?
You got to be
fucking kidding me.
You had it the whole ti--
Why didn't you just give them
the combination?
Because fuck 'em.
Four broken fingers
for "fuck 'em."
Nice, Joe.
What the fuck?
Yo...
Yo, how much money is in there?
It's like 100 grand.
- What's that key go to?
- I have no idea.
What if that key opens where
my father hid the money?
Joe, I know
what you're thinking,
and if we do this, those
Russians are just going to send
bigger, badder,
meaner motherfuckers.
We--we got to get you
to the hospital,
and we got to call the police--
something.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
You're right.
So what do we do--go to Touch?
Yeah.
We call Touch.
Okay, we go to Touch.
Unless...
I'm listening.
Unless we...
unless we don't go to Touch.
Maybe we just let it play out
for a while, you know?
A couple of weeks, maybe.
- Maybe a month?
- Maybe.
Maybe take the bodies
up to the reservoir
and let them go
for a long, long swim.
I got some bricks and shit
at the hardware store.
I can weigh them down.
Nobody will find out
for a while.
Russians are notoriously
not detail oriented.
Is that a thing?
I'm pretty sure
that's a thing.
We get rid of the bodies,
find out about the key,
and then look for the money.
And if it looks like things
are going sideways,
we reach out to Touch.
- Reach out to Touch.
- Right to fucking Touch.
Yeah.
20%.
I want 20% of whatever we find.
All right. Fine.
T-that's okay.
T-that seems fair.
Okay.
I thought so.
And your father's
Steeler season tickets.
Oh. Oh, n-no.
Uh, no, Jen, uh...
she--she's,
like, in sports now,
so I think I'm going to be
taking her
to a lot of games
and stuff, so...
That is really sweet, yeah.
It's nonnegotiable.
What do you mean
nonnegotiable?
It means I'm not
going to negotiate.
If we find this money--
look, if we find this money,
I am going to buy
a beautiful luxury suite.
Well, that's what
I was thinking--for you.
You was thinking-- yeah.
♪ Yeah,
we fancy like Applebee's-- ♪
Oh, shit, that's Applebee's.
That's my jam.
That's Dimitri's phone!
Don't answer it.
♪ With some whipped cream
on the top, too ♪
- It's Jen.
- Shit.
It's me again.
Call me.
You know, I have called
your father four times,
but he hasn't called me back--
that's not like him.
It's going around.
Dimitri he hasn't called me
back either.
Oh, call Touch.
Maybe he and Dad are just
going out to eat for lunch.
Yeah.
I'm going to Olivia's, so...
I will see you...
Later.
Okay, but dinner's at 6:00.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Ange.
- Hey, Touch.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Ah, you never bother me.
What can I do for you?
Well, I'm sure it's nothing.
It's just that I've called
Joe a couple of times,
and he hasn't, you know,
called me back or picked up.
Huh.
Where was he going?
Well, he told me that he
was going to his dad's office
and to Mrs. Fitzpatrick's.
Okay, well,
I'll tell you what.
I'll go by Teddy's office,
see if I can find him there
for you.
Thank you.
And, yeah, tell him to call me.
Yeah, will do.
Take care, Ange.
That is a lot of blood.
You shot him
in the head, Joe.
Don't worry about it.
We'll come back,
lift the carpet
after we dump these fools,
all right?
Now give me a hand--
your good one.
♪ Yeah, we fancy like
Applebee's on a date night ♪
♪ Got that Bourbon Street
steak with the Oreo shake ♪
Please record your message.
When you have
finished recording,
you may hang up or press one
for more options.
Hello, son.
This is your father speaking.
Call your mother
when you get this, please.
Find out where he is!
Find out!
Place coffee pod in tray
and press down firmly.
Okay.
You press too hard!
I lock pod into place
and press firmly.
Firmly!
You need more gentle.
My wife...
my wife
has not talked to her son
in five days.
Find out what is
happening to him.
Fucking Leon.
Weaseling my ticket--
I don't think so.
What the fuck did you guys do?
Well...
Fuck.
So what do you think
we should do?
Well, you know, Joe,
I...
I guess we're going
to call it in, right?
Get the detectives down here
to take your statements,
and then we're going to you
and that hand to the hospital.
What about the, um...
the 100 grand?
N-nobody has to know
about that, do they?
No, Joe.
No one's got to know
about that.
Wait a minute.
20, 40, 60--
you said $100,000?
I count 80.
Well, he gave me, like,
20 racks.
You gave Leon $20,000?
What the fuck brought on
that kind of generosity?
- Because we was thinking--
- Were you now?
Yeah, we--we was just
thinking, like, maybe we...
we hide the bodies somewhere
and then try to look
for the rest of the money.
- The $10 million.
- And a Lambo.
And the goddamn Lambo.
Look, Touch, I understand
that this is a terrible idea.
I understand that,
and I'm so sorry.
And I know we should've came
to you at first.
Yeah, but we knew
what you were going to say.
I want in.
We had no idea
what you were going to say.
- You want in?
- In.
You're a cop, Touch.
You can't--no, you can't--
Oh, please.
I'm barely a fucking cop, Joe.
I'm a desk jockey,
and I hate it.
You have any idea
what it is like
to get passed over time
after time for promotion,
only to have to watch these
just-out-of-college assholes
with no time on the job
make detective?
It's fucking unfair, okay?
I put my time in.
What do I have to show for it?
Nothing, not a goddamn thing.
So, no.
No more.
I want in.
Okay.
Okay.
20%, just like Leon.
Okay.
Yeah, that's, um--
that's generous, Joe.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Leon also got my
father's Steeler tickets.
I fucking knew it!
No! God damn it!
I knew that's why
you stopped here!
- I came here to help him!
- No, Joe.
Listen--No, Joe.
Listen to me. Listen to me!
I bring more to the party
than he does, okay?
People start poking around,
paperwork needs to get lost--
I am the inside guy,
and the inside guy
always gets the ticket.
- Fine.
- Yes!
- Fuck!
- Yeah!
Hey, listen to me, both of you.
Listen very carefully
to me, okay?
This is
the most important thing.
No one can know about this.
I mean no one.
That is the number-one reason
plans like this
always get fucked up.
That means not Angela,
not Jennifer,
definitely not Cathy.
You understand?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
And next...
Jesus, that hand.
Okay, look,
here's what you're going to do.
When you get home, you tell
Angela you blew a tire,
and while you were fixing it,
the jack slipped,
and it crushed your hand.
And you tell Ange
I took you to the ER.
Then we'll get
some trash bags.
Leon and I will bag
the bodies,
and we'll load them
in your van.
Leon, you get any kind of info
you can on that key--
who makes it and what kind
of lock it might open.
Now, I'll follow
you home, Joe,
make sure that we're good.
And then I'll come back later
so we can dump the bodies.
Joe, where the hell
have you--
Oh, my God, baby,
what happened?
A goddamn, uh, flat tire.
The jack fell off the van
when I--
I mean the van--
i-it fell off the jack when
I was--when I was changing it.
And you didn't call me?
You know, I just
didn't want to worry you.
All right, come on.
Just come over here
and sit down.
Let me just...
So is it sprained or broken?
It's definitely broke.
Fuck.
Fuck! Fuck!
Stupid fucker.
I think I would like
to be bachelor.
You are bachelor.
You have no wife.
No, no, no, no.
TV Bachelor.
Ah, "The Bachelor"--
television show.
Yes, "The Bachelor."
I want to meet nice lady.
We cannot talk
"Bachelor" television show
without talk Juan Pablo.
Mother-the-fucker.
Asshole!
Asshole.
Hey.
Georgi phone is moving.
What about Dimitri phone?
No moving, but they are
not far from each other.
Georgi moving, we go Georgi.
Leaving the authorities
thinking that this lead
was just another dead end.
Remember,
when your case goes cold...
Go back to the beginning
and see what you missed.
Come on, man.
Come on.
What the fuck, Joe?
Where's Touch?
He should have called by now.
I don't--I don't know.
I called his cell a bunch
of times with no answer.
Something must be wrong.
What do you want to do?
I say we give him
another hour.
If we don't hear from him,
then we just handle it
ourselves, okay?
Okay.
I got everything we need
ready to go at the store.
You just let me know when.
Okay, will do.
I go to area
that Dimitri's phone is,
then come pick you up.
It's just phone
and no Georgi.
How far you want me to go?
No witness.
I am excellent at no witness.
Later, Mom. Later, Dad.
Call me if you need anything.
Bye, baby.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Why isn't he answering
my phone call?
♪ Yeah, we fancy like
Applebee's on a date night ♪
♪ Got the Bourbon-- ♪
That's weird.
♪ Yeah, we fancy like
Applebee's on a date night ♪
♪ Got that Bourbon Street
steak with the Oreo shake ♪
♪ Get some whipped cream
on the top, too ♪
♪ Two straws, one-- ♪
Dimitri?
Damn it.
This way.
These Russians like
them fucking thick.
Where is Georgi?
That is Georgi phone.
Where?
I don't know.
Where?
He's dead.
He is so funny, funny.
Oh, God.
Oh, I didn't see that coming.
Yeah, me--me neither.
What about the boy?
Where is Dimitri?
I don't know.
Hmm?
He's...
He's dead, too.
- You kill him?
- No.
Who?
Okay, I count to three,
then I shoot in the face.
One...
Just, please, stop,
just stop.
- Two...
- Stop for a second, please!
Three.
♪ Yeah, we're fancy like
Applebee's on a date night ♪
♪ Got that Bourbon Street
steak with the Oreo shake ♪
♪ Get some whipped
cream on the top, too ♪
- Joe, turn the TV down.
- What?
Just turn it down.
That's Jen.
I'm coming!
I'm coming, Jen!
Oh, my God! Oh, my--
Are you okay?
What's happening?
Fuck.
Fuck.
Hey!
- What is happening?
- I don't know.
- Tell me.
- I don't know!
- Ange, don't!
- Dimitri.
Jesus Christ!
- Oh, my God.
- What is going on, Joe?
What is happening here?
Just calm down, all right?
- Calm down?
- Calm down.
What is this?
What's happening?
- Get in the house.
- What?
- Get in the house.
- Joe!
Get in the house.
Ange, Ange--
- Fine.
- Take her in the house, Ange!
Fuck is she going
through the fucking van for?
Fuck!
Sit down.
I got it.
I got it.
Oh, God.
Why do you have this, Leon?
Leon, why do you have
a safety deposit box key?
Now, this is the
most important thing.
No one else gets to know
about this...
no one.
That's the number-one reason
plans like this
get all fucked up.
Not Angela, not Jennifer...
And definitely not Cathy.
♪ Under my pillow ♪
♪ On my bed ♪
♪ Just a revolver ♪
♪ Under my head ♪
♪ Just in case ♪
♪ You lose your mind ♪
♪ You should know ♪
♪ I'm gonna lose mine ♪
♪ Shoot ♪
♪ Shoot ♪
♪ Shoot ♪
---
Life is about choices.
Heads or tails,
A or B, right or wrong,
live or die.
And sometimes we forget
that the choices that we make
affect everyone around us,
for the good and for the bad.
And some of those choices
are much bigger than others,
choices that,
if they go your way,
you get everything
you've ever desired.
But if they go the other way,
you, your family,
and your friends
will feel the heartache, pain,
and ultimate sadness.
I guess the question is, could
you make a choice like that?
A choice that risked losing
everything you have
and everyone you love?
Could you do it?
Because I did.
- ♪ The road wasn't easy ♪
- ♪ Wasn't easy ♪
- ♪ Journey was long ♪
- ♪ So long ♪
♪ I found the courage ♪
♪ To keep on pressing on ♪
Hey.
Hey.
What the fuck
is everyone looking at?
What do you think
they're looking at it?
Did you have to wear
your uniform?
Yeah, I did.
I told you.
I'm going into the station
right after this.
Besides, they know I'm one
of the good ones, right?
Yeah, I don't know--maybe
take your hand off your gun
in a room full
of grieving Black people.
How you doing?
Fucking shame about Teddy.
I just talked to him last week.
He got me a new battery
for the police cruiser.
Didn't charge me a dime.
Probably wasn't new.
The fuck it wasn't new.
The man said it was new.
- Fine, it was new.
- Yeah.
Well, you know, it was... new.
Like you know car batteries.
I don't?
You run a hardware store.
For now I do,
but I know some battery shit.
What's that mean?
It means I'm no expert,
but I know
some things about batteries.
No, fuck-o, I said,
"You run a hardware store,"
and you said,
"Yeah, for now I do."
Yeah.
Goddamn, Leon,
why'd you say "for now"?
I don't want
to talk about it.
Whatever.
I had
ten fucking hardware stores
before Home Depot came in
and fucked me.
And now a Lowe's is coming in?
A fucking Lowe's?
Okay.
They're going to fuck me
out of the one hardware store
I still have left.
I got the bank up my ass.
I-I took out a second
on the house.
Cathy has been up my ass
every motherfucking minute
of every goddamn day.
Sounds like you got a
lot of things up your ass.
There is nothing in the world
that isn't currently at my ass
right now.
I don't want to talk about it.
Mm.
It's time, Joe.
First off,
me, Angela, and Jen
would like to thank everyone
for coming out
and showing so much love.
And not just today,
but for all the days
since my dad passed.
I had lunch with Pops
the day before the accident.
All he talked about
was his granddaughter--
how proud he is that she
made it into Carnegie Mellon.
Talked about work
and how he loved to drive
around in that...
squeaky piece-of-shit tow truck
of his.
He loved helping strangers.
Hardly charged them anything.
Told you.
- Battery was not new.
- Would you shut up?
Calling the man a liar
at his own funeral?
- Show some respect.
- Shut the fuck up!
Anyway, it was a nice day.
It was our last day.
I remember my pop's
last words to me.
Pulled me close,
and he said, son...
He said, son,
with everything I am...
Fuck Tom Brady.
He said fuck 'em.
Fuck Belichick, fuck everybody
in Boston, fuck 'em.
Fuck Tampa Bay,
fuck everything about 'em.
Fuck 'em and feed 'em beans.
That's what he told me.
Fuck 'em.
Fuck 'em!
- Fuck Tom Brady!
- Yeah!
Fuck that pretty boy.
I'd like to fuck him.
all: Oh!
Okay. Everybody, let's just
bring it on back.
That's enough.
Everybody grab
a drink, please.
Please.
Everyone.
To Teddy Washington,
grandfather, father,
tow-truck driver,
sometimes asshole...
And the world's greatest
Steeler fan you'll ever see.
To Teddy.
all: To Teddy!
Did you, uh, talk to Joe
about the ticket?
What ticket?
What ticket, my dick hole.
With Teddy gone,
Joe's got an extra season
Steelers ticket
on the 50-yard line.
Fucking 50-yard line.
Haven't mention it to him yet.
You?
Nah, not the time.
Definitely not the time.
Joey, my boy.
What a lovely memorial.
- Lovely.
- Thank you.
And you take
as much time as you need
to grieve the loss
of your father.
- Oh, as much time as you need.
- Mm.
But you're back
at work tomorrow, right?
Right?
Right?
Uh...
Of course.
Good.
Well, we're done here.
See you tomorrow, Joey.
Your dad dies in a fire,
and those two are just fine.
Won't let me breathe
a second.
- No.
- Jeez.
Hey, Joe.
What's up, boss?
How you feeling?
I'm good, man.
Yeah, once again, sorry
about your pops, man.
You know he was my man.
Thank you so much, Sam.
I appreciate you, man.
Thanks for coming out, man.
All right.
- Yeah, appreciate it.
- All right.
I'll call you, all right?
You better call me, man.
You know I got you.
All right.
The last watch I bought
from you was a knockoff, too.
Oh, come on, Joe.
- Are you leaving, too?
- Yeah.
Uh, Cathy's got to get home
and watch
the Investigation Channel.
It's Murder Week.
Everybody ain't got
to know my business.
Well, it's not even 7:00,
so I was thinking
maybe you guys can stay
for another drink with us?
Maybe stay for it?
I said no.
I don't think
I'm thirsty right now.
Yeah, maybe
another time, right?
We should let them go.
Yeah. Okay.
Tell Jen that Aunt Cathy
said goodbye.
- Uh-huh.
- Joe.
- Bye, Angela.
- Bye.
All right, brother.
Kill me.
Yeah.
I got you.
He said "kill me."
Well,
you'd be doing him a favor.
Love you.
Love you back.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck you.
Goodbye.
Thank you for coming.
Mm.
Hey, there he is.
Officer Tuchawuski!
Have a drink with your man.
Oh, buddy, I can't.
I got to run the fucking
admin desk tonight.
- Oh.
- But listen to me, okay?
That was a beautiful memorial
tonight, okay?
Mm, thank you.
Teddy would have
been so proud, ticket.
- What?
- What?
Teddy would have been so proud.
No.
Did you just--
did you just say "ticket"?
Why would I say "ticket"?
You better go easy
on that stuff.
You're starting to hear things.
All right.
Give and Ange and Jen my love.
Anything you need,
you call me, all right?
Okay.
- I'll talk to you tomorrow.
- All right, buddy.
Ticket.
I knew--
I knew you said "ticket."
I knew you said--
I knew you said that.
Knew you did.
Baby girl, how you holding up?
I'm okay.
Daddy, you remember Dimitri.
I don't think I do.
Daddy.
I'm very sorry
for your loss, sir.
Uh, y'all, uh--
you, um--y'all--y'all don't
need to hang around here.
You don't.
Y'all can get on out of here.
No, I should stay,
help Mom clean up.
No, no. Y'all go.
Y'all go.
- Okay.
- All right. Okay.
- I love you.
- All right.
I love you, too, okay?
All right.
Whoa.
You take care
of my daughter, okay?
Because if not,
we going to have another
memorial service
for you tomorrow.
Know what I'm talking about?
Yes.
Yes, sir.
All right.
I was just playing.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
You know, I don't do all that.
- How you feeling?
- Not good.
- So stay home.
- I can't.
Ahh.
I got to go clean out
Pop's office,
and I got to try to see
about selling the tow truck.
And then after that,
I got a 1:00
to snake out
Miss Fitzpatrick's toilet.
What about your day?
Um, I'm just going to
Home Depot,
pick up a few things
for the garden,
and then the lunch shift
at the diner.
Man, I hate you got
to go to that place.
Come on.
We talked about this.
I mean, between
Jennifer's schooling
and trying to pay for this
house, we need the money.
But I can get a second job.
Then when
am I going to see you?
It's a good thing--I'm
in your face too much anyway.
Joe...
I'm fine.
And we gonna be fine.
Well, if you get sick--
Then I will quit.
Then you will quit.
You better.
Yeah.
Oh, and when you go get
the stuff for the garden,
can you do me a favor?
Can you get it
from Leon's shop?
Don't go to Home Depot.
Hell, no!
His store sucks,
and their prices are insane.
Girl, no, girl, you got to
support Black businesses.
Uh-uh. Joe, don't come
over here with that.
Nope.
No.
Fat.
Bald.
Oh, shoot.
Paging Dr. Fine As Hell.
What you talking about?
- Hey.
- Hey.
What you doing here, girl?
Well, I just
wanted to come by
and say thank you
for the beautiful flowers
you brought yesterday.
Oh.
And I also came in here
for some gardening tools.
Oh, well, gardening is
down the middle on the right.
S...
Okay.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
That'll be $39.90.
$39.90 for some gloves
and some shears?
That's with the "friends
and family" discount, too.
- Is it?
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh, I am so sorry.
We are cash-only today.
Yeah, Leon got to get
the credit-card machine fixed,
along with his attitude.
- Oh, I have two 20s.
- Perfect.
Okay.
Well, okay.
Um, you have a good day, Cathy.
Okay.
- Bitch.
- Bitch.
Hello?
Hello?
What the fuck?
Shit.
I don't--I don't understand
what you're--
I don't understand
what you're talking about.
I don't understand.
Motherfucker, you!
What the fuck are you doing?
Motherfucker.
Fuck! No!
Hello, Joe.
Dimitri.
Hey, son.
Help me.
Help me, son.
Help me, please.
I need you
to listen to me, Joe.
You need to give me
the combination
to your father's safe.
What?
I don't--I don't know.
God! No, no.
Don't! Don't!
Tell me where the money is.
Tell me where the money is,
and the pain goes away.
There is no money.
But there is!
There's the money your father
stole from my father, Joe--
drug money...
The worst kind to steal.
What fucking drugs
are you talking about?
See, your father transported
money for my family
for many years.
Bullshit.
It's real shit.
People working for us take
a little here, a little there--
cost of business.
But your father,
he gets greedy.
Three weeks ago he steals
Lamborghini
filled with $10 million.
And this stupid fucking man,
hey, he burns himself up
before he tells us
where the money is.
But it's not possible
to keep
a $10 million secret, hmm?
Somebody
in the family has to know.
Maybe your daughter?
You leave--
you leave Jen out of this.
You leave fucking Jen
out of this.
I've been taking
good care of her, Joey.
You know how good
I've been fucking her?
Your little angel?
All night sometimes, Joe.
If she knows, she will tell me.
What about your wife?
Georgi's been following
her around.
Isn't that right, Georgi?
You touch her,
I'll fucking kill you.
So, if not Angela,
not Jennifer,
then, well,
it has to be you, Joe.
I'm going to be nice guy.
I'm going to give
you one last chance.
Where is my money, Joe?
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
♪ You know, it seem to me ♪
♪ You misunderstand
about who you belong to ♪
♪ All the he said,
she said, oh, no ♪
♪ My girl-- ♪
What you doing there, Joe?
Joe!
Joe!
O-okay.
Don't do anything
stupid here, Joe.
Joe!
Okay, okay.
Okay, just calm down.
Oh!
Fuck!
Ha!
Joe!
Joe!
Joe!
What in the entire fuck?
Let me get this straight.
Your dad stole $10 million
from the Russian Mob.
And a Lamborghini.
And a fucking Lambo.
Fuck!
This shit can't be real, right?
It can't be.
Fuck, I don't know, Joe.
I mean, you got
two dead Russians
lying on the floor
of your father's garage
and a handful of broken bones.
I'm pretty sure they were
looking for something.
Okay, okay, fuck.
Jesus.
Oh, hell, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
This for trying to steal
from my friend.
So, no ID, no wallet.
Look at this.
Make it so.
Space-age shit.
You want it?
I got a phone already.
This is for trying to steal
from my friend.
So, what'd they say?
What'd they want?
They wanted the combination
to the safe.
And you don't have it.
Are you out of
your fucking mind?
You got to be
fucking kidding me.
You had it the whole ti--
Why didn't you just give them
the combination?
Because fuck 'em.
Four broken fingers
for "fuck 'em."
Nice, Joe.
What the fuck?
Yo...
Yo, how much money is in there?
It's like 100 grand.
- What's that key go to?
- I have no idea.
What if that key opens where
my father hid the money?
Joe, I know
what you're thinking,
and if we do this, those
Russians are just going to send
bigger, badder,
meaner motherfuckers.
We--we got to get you
to the hospital,
and we got to call the police--
something.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
You're right.
So what do we do--go to Touch?
Yeah.
We call Touch.
Okay, we go to Touch.
Unless...
I'm listening.
Unless we...
unless we don't go to Touch.
Maybe we just let it play out
for a while, you know?
A couple of weeks, maybe.
- Maybe a month?
- Maybe.
Maybe take the bodies
up to the reservoir
and let them go
for a long, long swim.
I got some bricks and shit
at the hardware store.
I can weigh them down.
Nobody will find out
for a while.
Russians are notoriously
not detail oriented.
Is that a thing?
I'm pretty sure
that's a thing.
We get rid of the bodies,
find out about the key,
and then look for the money.
And if it looks like things
are going sideways,
we reach out to Touch.
- Reach out to Touch.
- Right to fucking Touch.
Yeah.
20%.
I want 20% of whatever we find.
All right. Fine.
T-that's okay.
T-that seems fair.
Okay.
I thought so.
And your father's
Steeler season tickets.
Oh. Oh, n-no.
Uh, no, Jen, uh...
she--she's,
like, in sports now,
so I think I'm going to be
taking her
to a lot of games
and stuff, so...
That is really sweet, yeah.
It's nonnegotiable.
What do you mean
nonnegotiable?
It means I'm not
going to negotiate.
If we find this money--
look, if we find this money,
I am going to buy
a beautiful luxury suite.
Well, that's what
I was thinking--for you.
You was thinking-- yeah.
♪ Yeah,
we fancy like Applebee's-- ♪
Oh, shit, that's Applebee's.
That's my jam.
That's Dimitri's phone!
Don't answer it.
♪ With some whipped cream
on the top, too ♪
- It's Jen.
- Shit.
It's me again.
Call me.
You know, I have called
your father four times,
but he hasn't called me back--
that's not like him.
It's going around.
Dimitri he hasn't called me
back either.
Oh, call Touch.
Maybe he and Dad are just
going out to eat for lunch.
Yeah.
I'm going to Olivia's, so...
I will see you...
Later.
Okay, but dinner's at 6:00.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Ange.
- Hey, Touch.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Ah, you never bother me.
What can I do for you?
Well, I'm sure it's nothing.
It's just that I've called
Joe a couple of times,
and he hasn't, you know,
called me back or picked up.
Huh.
Where was he going?
Well, he told me that he
was going to his dad's office
and to Mrs. Fitzpatrick's.
Okay, well,
I'll tell you what.
I'll go by Teddy's office,
see if I can find him there
for you.
Thank you.
And, yeah, tell him to call me.
Yeah, will do.
Take care, Ange.
That is a lot of blood.
You shot him
in the head, Joe.
Don't worry about it.
We'll come back,
lift the carpet
after we dump these fools,
all right?
Now give me a hand--
your good one.
♪ Yeah, we fancy like
Applebee's on a date night ♪
♪ Got that Bourbon Street
steak with the Oreo shake ♪
Please record your message.
When you have
finished recording,
you may hang up or press one
for more options.
Hello, son.
This is your father speaking.
Call your mother
when you get this, please.
Find out where he is!
Find out!
Place coffee pod in tray
and press down firmly.
Okay.
You press too hard!
I lock pod into place
and press firmly.
Firmly!
You need more gentle.
My wife...
my wife
has not talked to her son
in five days.
Find out what is
happening to him.
Fucking Leon.
Weaseling my ticket--
I don't think so.
What the fuck did you guys do?
Well...
Fuck.
So what do you think
we should do?
Well, you know, Joe,
I...
I guess we're going
to call it in, right?
Get the detectives down here
to take your statements,
and then we're going to you
and that hand to the hospital.
What about the, um...
the 100 grand?
N-nobody has to know
about that, do they?
No, Joe.
No one's got to know
about that.
Wait a minute.
20, 40, 60--
you said $100,000?
I count 80.
Well, he gave me, like,
20 racks.
You gave Leon $20,000?
What the fuck brought on
that kind of generosity?
- Because we was thinking--
- Were you now?
Yeah, we--we was just
thinking, like, maybe we...
we hide the bodies somewhere
and then try to look
for the rest of the money.
- The $10 million.
- And a Lambo.
And the goddamn Lambo.
Look, Touch, I understand
that this is a terrible idea.
I understand that,
and I'm so sorry.
And I know we should've came
to you at first.
Yeah, but we knew
what you were going to say.
I want in.
We had no idea
what you were going to say.
- You want in?
- In.
You're a cop, Touch.
You can't--no, you can't--
Oh, please.
I'm barely a fucking cop, Joe.
I'm a desk jockey,
and I hate it.
You have any idea
what it is like
to get passed over time
after time for promotion,
only to have to watch these
just-out-of-college assholes
with no time on the job
make detective?
It's fucking unfair, okay?
I put my time in.
What do I have to show for it?
Nothing, not a goddamn thing.
So, no.
No more.
I want in.
Okay.
Okay.
20%, just like Leon.
Okay.
Yeah, that's, um--
that's generous, Joe.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Leon also got my
father's Steeler tickets.
I fucking knew it!
No! God damn it!
I knew that's why
you stopped here!
- I came here to help him!
- No, Joe.
Listen--No, Joe.
Listen to me. Listen to me!
I bring more to the party
than he does, okay?
People start poking around,
paperwork needs to get lost--
I am the inside guy,
and the inside guy
always gets the ticket.
- Fine.
- Yes!
- Fuck!
- Yeah!
Hey, listen to me, both of you.
Listen very carefully
to me, okay?
This is
the most important thing.
No one can know about this.
I mean no one.
That is the number-one reason
plans like this
always get fucked up.
That means not Angela,
not Jennifer,
definitely not Cathy.
You understand?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
And next...
Jesus, that hand.
Okay, look,
here's what you're going to do.
When you get home, you tell
Angela you blew a tire,
and while you were fixing it,
the jack slipped,
and it crushed your hand.
And you tell Ange
I took you to the ER.
Then we'll get
some trash bags.
Leon and I will bag
the bodies,
and we'll load them
in your van.
Leon, you get any kind of info
you can on that key--
who makes it and what kind
of lock it might open.
Now, I'll follow
you home, Joe,
make sure that we're good.
And then I'll come back later
so we can dump the bodies.
Joe, where the hell
have you--
Oh, my God, baby,
what happened?
A goddamn, uh, flat tire.
The jack fell off the van
when I--
I mean the van--
i-it fell off the jack when
I was--when I was changing it.
And you didn't call me?
You know, I just
didn't want to worry you.
All right, come on.
Just come over here
and sit down.
Let me just...
So is it sprained or broken?
It's definitely broke.
Fuck.
Fuck! Fuck!
Stupid fucker.
I think I would like
to be bachelor.
You are bachelor.
You have no wife.
No, no, no, no.
TV Bachelor.
Ah, "The Bachelor"--
television show.
Yes, "The Bachelor."
I want to meet nice lady.
We cannot talk
"Bachelor" television show
without talk Juan Pablo.
Mother-the-fucker.
Asshole!
Asshole.
Hey.
Georgi phone is moving.
What about Dimitri phone?
No moving, but they are
not far from each other.
Georgi moving, we go Georgi.
Leaving the authorities
thinking that this lead
was just another dead end.
Remember,
when your case goes cold...
Go back to the beginning
and see what you missed.
Come on, man.
Come on.
What the fuck, Joe?
Where's Touch?
He should have called by now.
I don't--I don't know.
I called his cell a bunch
of times with no answer.
Something must be wrong.
What do you want to do?
I say we give him
another hour.
If we don't hear from him,
then we just handle it
ourselves, okay?
Okay.
I got everything we need
ready to go at the store.
You just let me know when.
Okay, will do.
I go to area
that Dimitri's phone is,
then come pick you up.
It's just phone
and no Georgi.
How far you want me to go?
No witness.
I am excellent at no witness.
Later, Mom. Later, Dad.
Call me if you need anything.
Bye, baby.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Why isn't he answering
my phone call?
♪ Yeah, we fancy like
Applebee's on a date night ♪
♪ Got the Bourbon-- ♪
That's weird.
♪ Yeah, we fancy like
Applebee's on a date night ♪
♪ Got that Bourbon Street
steak with the Oreo shake ♪
♪ Get some whipped cream
on the top, too ♪
♪ Two straws, one-- ♪
Dimitri?
Damn it.
This way.
These Russians like
them fucking thick.
Where is Georgi?
That is Georgi phone.
Where?
I don't know.
Where?
He's dead.
He is so funny, funny.
Oh, God.
Oh, I didn't see that coming.
Yeah, me--me neither.
What about the boy?
Where is Dimitri?
I don't know.
Hmm?
He's...
He's dead, too.
- You kill him?
- No.
Who?
Okay, I count to three,
then I shoot in the face.
One...
Just, please, stop,
just stop.
- Two...
- Stop for a second, please!
Three.
♪ Yeah, we're fancy like
Applebee's on a date night ♪
♪ Got that Bourbon Street
steak with the Oreo shake ♪
♪ Get some whipped
cream on the top, too ♪
- Joe, turn the TV down.
- What?
Just turn it down.
That's Jen.
I'm coming!
I'm coming, Jen!
Oh, my God! Oh, my--
Are you okay?
What's happening?
Fuck.
Fuck.
Hey!
- What is happening?
- I don't know.
- Tell me.
- I don't know!
- Ange, don't!
- Dimitri.
Jesus Christ!
- Oh, my God.
- What is going on, Joe?
What is happening here?
Just calm down, all right?
- Calm down?
- Calm down.
What is this?
What's happening?
- Get in the house.
- What?
- Get in the house.
- Joe!
Get in the house.
Ange, Ange--
- Fine.
- Take her in the house, Ange!
Fuck is she going
through the fucking van for?
Fuck!
Sit down.
I got it.
I got it.
Oh, God.
Why do you have this, Leon?
Leon, why do you have
a safety deposit box key?
Now, this is the
most important thing.
No one else gets to know
about this...
no one.
That's the number-one reason
plans like this
get all fucked up.
Not Angela, not Jennifer...
And definitely not Cathy.
♪ Under my pillow ♪
♪ On my bed ♪
♪ Just a revolver ♪
♪ Under my head ♪
♪ Just in case ♪
♪ You lose your mind ♪
♪ You should know ♪
♪ I'm gonna lose mine ♪
♪ Shoot ♪
♪ Shoot ♪
♪ Shoot ♪