Avenue 5 (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
One, two. One, two.
Hello, I'm Jordan.
Best stand-up comic this side of Mars.
Also the only stand-up comic
this side of Mars,
but don't tell my mum that,
she's super impressed.
Laugh, laugh, laugh.
-Two, two, "is this thing on"?
-Yeah, it's on...
No... I know. It's a bit,
the "is this on" thing,
to imply that the audience
weren't laughing.
Best thing about doing stand-up
in space? Literally no pressure.
-Is this thing on?
-Yup.
No, I know it's...
And then I'll plug the beer. And...
When I first took this gig on,
they told me
that I needed enough material
to cover the first half of the journey,
so I guess now I need a tight
one year and three quarters.
Is that funny?
Or is that too much maths?
Math.
-Oh, God! That's not good.
-It's shit. That's all shit!
Hey, maybe they heard your set.
Captain, are you ready to do this?
I always hoped that my last words
might be better than, "Fuck me, no".
I don't know how to attach the tether.
There should be an instruction panel
right in front of you.
To attach your safety tether
simply grasp the narrow end of the clamp
to release the G Catch.
There. That wasn't so hard was it?
Well, you fucking try it.
Okay, it's a space walk, so... walk.
So Captain, what exactly
are you looking at?
The inside of my eyelids.
There appears to be no floor.
Yes, Captain.
You really make this look easy.
Why is he flailing around like that?
What...
-No, look. He's up right now.
-Yes.
No, just gone back. Where you going?
I'm going to do 600 pushups
and then throw up in the sink.
Can you get visuals
on the wet suit compromise?
"Have visuals"?
What's wrong with "see"?
-Or "come back in"?
-Engineering?
-Present.
-Yeah. Not you.
Looking at wet suit protocol three now.
Captain Courageous needs to locate
the lateral access valve,
where it intersects with the bi...
Intersects with the binary caps
from the lower deck. Did you get that?
All I got from that was
"you're going to die out here".
Find a big metal wheel and turn it off.
-Estimate of her velocity, Captain?
-I might actually sneeze.
He can't hear you,
because, well, you know, he's outside...
What happens then? Billie? What's
the sneezing protocol in space?
Get me in his ear. I'll walk him home.
Is there one? Did you look that up?
-Voila.
-Gracias.
Yeah, in other devastating news,
Spike is about to join the auto comms.
-The icing on the shit.
-I got you now, buddy.
-Oh, she's a gusher.
-Please don't call it "she."
Why? That things powerful.
And I respect it.
I'm going to check on a valve.
-Billie?
-Mr. Tambourine man, you're up.
-Yeah, sure.
-Billy?
So, we're just splitting forward
protocol three. It's just a thing we do.
-We love you, Spike!
-I'm splitting forward protocol three.
It's just a thing we do, don't worry.
-Make way for the shit shooter.
-Oh, God, was that me?
It's a little bit of all of us.
Hey! I got a button
on the end of my fist.
Do you want to press it with your face,
button dick?
I think she's talking to me.
Yeah, so nobody thought to put
this wheel on the inside.
Wouldn't that have been easier?
-Oh, bugger me!
-Oh, no!
Oh, I can taste last year's breakfast.
Some guys would pay good money
to have that done to them.
And girls. Women.
Not me though.
Other way, other way.
Don't worry, Captain, you got this.
I've got this.
Turn it this way.
Of course I've got it.
I was born getting it.
I haven't got it. Help me more.
That's it.
Yeah!
Alan, get me a car to Buffalo!
-You're going to the White House?
-Oh, yes.
Time to do
some corporate begging. Yes?
There he is.
There he is. I believed in you.
Unlike Iris.
She already rented out your cabin.
That was nothing. But then what isn't?
He's so modest,
he could almost be British.
-Why the fuck did I say that?
-That stuff is neuro developmental.
I was very, very proud of how Captain
Ryan followed my direction out there.
You were out of depth on the bridge.
Yes, you're much better suited
in a secondary position.
Fucking balls!
Burn those suits, they smell like hell!
-I can actually hear that smell.
-Dude...
Hey, beautiful, tonight at midnight,
we reach our furthest point from Earth
and turn around to head back.
I know, time flies.
I don't want to go home, either.
But I'll see you later
at the halfway-home party.
Hey, is that true?
Well, it was true when I said it.
Like a marriage vow.
And you just kept this up.
Sure, I mean we can still have
a 146th-of-the-way-home party.
-Yeah, that could work.
-Spike gets it.
We brought $200,000 worth of streamers.
The only other use would be
for your funeral.
-Hey, it's the shit whisperer.
Hey, Benjamin Button!
-Shit stack walking.
-Frankenfuck!
Mr. Crapatoa.
Wow, couldn't you just stay
in this cabin all day?
I mean, I know I could.
And I think you should.
-Why?
-There's just so much to explore, baby.
We have booze, right?
Who doesn't love booze?
And, and four books, five books here,
I mean, that's just... Right?
All I did was...
And then they...
And...
Don't ever sit!
Inflate one thousand balloons.
I need to vet your materials
for this show this evening.
Oh, wow, so it's true,
the show really does go on.
It's in your contract,
you'd be doing a show tonight
even if this was a burned-out hull full
of space junk and dead animals, so...
Jokes.
Do some.
-Okay, what makes you laugh?
-Comedy.
-Obviously.
-And sometimes tragedy.
Light tragedy.
Erectile dysfunction,
non-fatal hunting accidents,
waving at someone you think you know,
but it turns out to be a stranger,
that sort of thing.
Now, make it topical.
Mention "it", but don't mention it.
"It?" That's horrible.
Go.
-Okay, I can start with...
-It's not called sit-down.
I can start with...
This is some hot shit.
You know it's actually extremely cold
in space?
-Are you going to do this the whole way?
-Yes.
And I'd say you're a heckler's wet dream
right now.
You see what I did?
Did you... did you see?
I put a fucking goldfish bowl
on my head,
went out there, and fixed a spaceship!
I know. I need you to make it clear
that it wasn't Frank's fault.
-Who's Frank?
-My husband!
Oh, do you mind
if we don't talk about him?
He's only there to stop his skeleton
from falling over.
Christ, I'm coming off my fucking nut.
I feel like I can kill and eat a man.
Oh, God! Just fuck me
and don't even give me your name.
Okay, so, somebody needs some soap
for their mouth
and a hot totty for their mood. Sit.
Chill.
I just did something,
and I don't know what it was.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how...
Anybody knows what they’re doing.
Does anybody know what they’re doing?
How does everything work?
Does anybody know?
-I mean, who knows how that door works?
-It doesn't work.
Well, I didn't even know
how it doesn't work. And look at this.
I mean, how am I doing that? I do not
know how the fuck I'm doing that.
-Drink this.
-Now... You see... See, orifices!
They're all over us.
Well, that can't be safe, can it?
You know what's ironic? I just left
a man who can't finish his sentence,
and here you are,
and you just can't shut the F up.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-I feel a bit trapped.
-Well honey, we're all trapped.
The sky is full of S-H-I-T.
Oh, no.
-There it floats.
-Bollocks!
Oh, can everything just fuck off?
Wait, is that... Was that Captain Ryan?
It was not, in fact.
I will be back soon, tootsie roll, okay?
HALF WAY HOME
I'll see you all tonight.
Bring your children.
Unless they have behavioral disorders.
And bring them, too. It's a party.
Hey, I don't want
to get you overexcited,
but this party is going to be
an orgy of the gods.
I don't get overexcited. I'm always
on the same fucking level of excited.
-Right, Iris?
-Yes.
I'll have another shot of water please?
All right, let's go yell
in some people's faces!
I'm so sorry, please enjoy
this Judd voucher.
I apologize, these are valid
anywhere on the ship.
Take the French fries. Leave the beer.
I'm so sorry, these are valid everywhere
on the ship except the golf course.
Oh, really? Can I get one of those?
-Oh, hey, Billie. You look nice.
-Hey. So do you.
I decided to go for
"I just saved the ship casual".
-We just saved the ship.
-What did I say?
-Yeah. "We".
-Oh, hey, come on.
-Stop that.
-Stop. Stop. Stop it.
-Thank you! We were just doing our job.
-I was just doing my job.
-We just did what we had to do.
-I did what I had to do.
Yes. Yes. Did you see me out there?
Do you understand I have not slept
a wink since you freaked me out?
I'm writing my jokes on tissue paper.
Who does that these days?
We can delay the start by five minutes.
Are you sure it's safe for me here?
I'm getting sneering looks.
Oh, honey, relax. Everybody's here
to celebrate Captain Ryan.
Oh, my God, he looks amazing
in that turtleneck.
Listen, with him wearing that, I
guarantee nobody is thinking about you.
We make a really great team.
You saving the ship,
and me thanking you for that.
Yeah. I mean, you know,
they were probably live streaming
the whole thing all over the world.
So, right now, I'm probably more famous
than that guy who shat his pants
at the Superbowl.
-Daniel Radcliffe?
-Yeah.
-Those two are an item.
-Those two?
-Yeah. Yeah.
-No. No way. Nuh-uh.
No, she's not his type.
I mean, I think he would...
I think he would probably want
an older woman.
You know, a woman who's more,
like, mature.
The way I see it,
like, 2500 women on board?
At least 700 of them I would totally
want a consensual meeting with.
-Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
-I'll get some informed consent tonight.
Just some sweet, sweet informed consent
from a strong autonomous woman...
Hey guys, did you hear that? I think
that was the sound of 700 vaginas
-snapping shut.
-It's not.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I am horny as hell,
so I am going to go out
and get my body slammed.
And it's okay that she said.
We're separated.
They just haven't found me
my own cabin yet.
-We should...
-Yeah, we should.
I'll freshen up and see you down there.
-That means he has to have a little cry.
-I really don't.
-Shots?
-You know, I usually don't drink
because it makes me blunt
and opinionated.
As opposed to?
Hey, everyone. Welcome
to the Halfway Home party.
Now, in a second, I'm going to bring out
our comedian for the evening.
His name's Jordan Hatwal.
He is extremely nervous, okay?
But I know you guys are going
to love him, right?
Okay, okay, I think that's probably
gonna make him more nervous
because it was pretty underwhelming.
Let's try it again, right?
-Are you excited for Jordan Hatwal?
-Yeah!
Okay, okay. Okay, I don't think
he can live up to that.
You know, if he was that good, he would
probably be doing arena shows on Earth.
But now that I've lowered
your expectations again,
I think you might be
pleasantly surprised
by the competent, workman-like comedy
of Jordan Hatwal.
But before he comes out to win you over
or die horribly,
I want to give a big round of applause
to our heroes, Captain Ryan Clark!
-And...
-Billie McEvoy!
...former astronaut, Spike Martin.
What?
-Okay. Jordan, are you ready to go?
-Yep.
-Listen to him. He's nervous, right?
-Yeah!
Okay! Please put your hands together,
or silently reserve judgment,
for Jordan Hatwal!
All right. Hey, how you going?
I've been asleep for the last 120 hours,
what'd I miss?
-We're stuck up here for three years.
-Okay, guys.
That was his first joke,
so you can laugh. It's okay to laugh.
-Matt.
-I'm just... I'm just trying to help.
Yeah, it's hard doing
a halfway-home gig when...
I mean, we're not even halfway...
-I vetoed that angle.
-Okay.
Guys, pretend that we're 21 months
into the voyage, right.
-Is that helpful?
-No.
It doesn't... It's not helpful.
Do you want... Do you want
to come up here and do the set?
-Sure, yeah.
-I wasn't actually asking.
-You were joking?
-Yep, that was a joke.
It's what I'm here to do.
It's like the joke police over here.
-Anyway, shoehorns. Pretty weird, no?
-Yes!
-Thank you for your service.
-You're real-life heroes!
-People loved us.
-No, no, no. No, I'm sorry, no.
I don't get it. I just don't...
I don't get this, this...
I arm wrestled with space and I won,
so that was me.
Speaking of arms, yours are so firm.
How do you find gym time
in between saving lives?
-Well, firm is my middle name.
-What's your first name?
-Colin.
-Colin Firm.
-Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz.
-Oh, is that Italian?
-No, it's actually... Okay.
-Oh, who cares. Okay.
Oh! Guess who else will be
on the prowl tonight?
Captain Ryan Clark,
ladies and gentlemen!
He's as horny and as hairy as a tomcat
and I should know because back
in the day, he put a baby up me.
Was your oxygen restricted
in your early developmental years?
Oh, you can't wash
the shame away, Frank.
Next time, leave it
to the professionals, you silly man!
Why can't the captain be a womanizer?
Or a maninizer?
He can do what he wants.
I actually don't care at this point.
-Captain Clark is a sex man?
-He's a dog.
Hey, fuck it, shall we start the conga?
Let's do a conga. Frank, come on.
Allez!
He cannot press a button
-He cannot press a button
-Come on, let's get out of here.
-He always fucks it up
-Fucks it up!
-Check it.
-I'm so sorry.
First person that's laughed
in quite some time.
-Hey, you want to come back to my place?
-Sure, I'll take it where I can get it.
-A hole's a hole.
-Oh, no, thank you.
I have a flight simulation game
I would love to play with you.
-It'd be an honor, sir.
-Oh, well, okay, well,
batten down the sexual hatches,
let's fly some ships.
So, do you remember the phones
that you had to plug in to charge?
-Yes, I do.
-Yeah, well, they...
They were...
No, no. That one's gone.
Just give it a second, because this
could be good when you think of it.
-They had a cord.
-They had a cord, yeah.
I don't think
that was the punchline though.
Promote the beer!
-Hey.
-You can tell from our expressions
-that we need to talk face to face...
-Uh, no, no, no, you're talking.
You should know because I called you,
so you should really wait and...
-Anyway, it doesn't matter.
-Ryan, we have to tell you something.
-I know, it was impressive.
-Well, it's not bad.
What do you mean "bad"?
We love you, but we didn't sign up
for three and a half years, and...
with that crazy spacewalk?
-You're looking at a hero basically.
-We can't...
-We can't take the stress.
-The what?
You lose the plot, you lose your slot.
"Slot?" This is a marriage,
not a fucking squash court!
We're getting trivorced.
Two thirds majority. Motion carried.
What about our vows?
"Hand in hand in hand?"
And then I downed it in one
and I threw up on her dress.
That’s the end of prom
and that's the first time I had a drink.
But it was a Judd Light, and Judd Light
is available throughout the ship.
It's a liquid party.
I'm right in here.
What are you doing? What?
-Just going to my room.
-Why are you here?
-It's my room.
-You trying to trick us into a foursome,
there's no tricking needed.
-This isn't a foursome, it's a twosome.
-I'm easy.
-You guys stay here.
-What? I...
-Why did you bring the peat bog man?
-We're going on my flight simulator.
You need to vacate the room,
because I'll be making love everywhere.
Yeah, we could go to your room.
-Can I keep that as a back-up?
-Oh, sure, yeah.
Give them a minute, see what pans out.
-Colin Firm get in here!
-What?
Sorry, Doug, the viewing gallery
is closed.
Come here, let's just do it here.
-No.
-No, no. Just do it quickly before he...
-Just do it. Do it!
-Okay, who cares about him?
-Do you want it? Do you want it?
-Do it! Do it! Do it!
-Don't be a pussy, Colin!
-I'm sorry, I wasn't trained for this.
-I'm sorry.
-This reminds me of my last days
of the International Space station.
That was a scene.
I ruined it for her, so I won.
So, my last relationship
didn't end well.
But then in some ways,
you can say it did.
Because my girlfriend fell down a well.
-Gravity, what a downer.
-No, no, no, no. No. No.
-Hey, it's Mr. Judd everyone.
-No, no, hold your applause.
Four people died because of that gravity
fail. Don't joke about stuff like that.
Maybe that's why your girlfriend
jumped down that well,
because of those kinds of jokes.
-She didn't. She just left me.
-I was going to say a few words later,
but now that... sucked
all the good energy out of the room
and just flushed it out into space like
fuh-barg, I'm just going to read it now.
"As you know, this was meant to be
the halfway point,
but we're not halfway.
And yet in so many ways,
we're more than halfway."
-Iris, who wrote this?
-I did.
And is it like this all the way through,
or does it get any better?
Well, that was the best part
and you kind of threw it away.
Fuck! All right.
"Because we've come a long way,
and I'm proud of you and of me,
and I'm inspired by you and me."
I'm just going to skip to the end.
All right. "We can do this, we're
nearly there, we're not, but we are!"
Ever been to Buffalo before?
It's changed a lot since they moved
the White House there for a start...
Shut up!
Alan, this better not be bad news. I...
What the fuck is that?
I'm afraid some
of the residual matter
has escaped
the ship's gravitational pull.
-Okay, well, it's a ring of shit.
-Yeah.
-"A ring of shit?"
-Could you just... Back to the book.
On the upside, you can't see
the coffins anymore.
No, there's one.
Get ready to pretend
we're 10 minutes to halfway there!
-Can I get one of those?
-Sure.
Billie, don't ever, ever show anyone
your feelings.
Right? Just bury them
as deep as you can.
Scrunch them up into a little tiny ball
and then just...
Grow a couple of ulcers
if you want to mark the spot,
but otherwise just smile
and say that everything is fine.
-You're not a happy drunk.
-I'm not a happy anything.
-Hi, there. Hey.
-Hey there.
Why is the shit still outside there?
Iris! It's getting thicker.
We're working on it.
All right, it's Mr. Judd, everybody.
Give it up.
Yeah, it's on. I know it's on.
You're going to have to compensate us
for this. This is your fault!
I mean, it's Frank's fault.
He hit the big brown button.
You mean shit the button.
You see, that's comedy, man.
That right there is comedy, word play.
I love it.
Hey, Frank, what if I came
and took a shit outside of your room?
The shit is already outside my room.
Okay, then I'll come take a shit
inside your room.
I'll pay for the cleanup,
so you can do it again tomorrow.
We should shit Frank out the airlock.
You hurt him without my consent
and involvement,
and I will harm you deeply!
Shit him out!
Shit him out!
Shit him out!
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
-Guys, come on. Calm down!
-Shit him out!
-Hey, who remembers the last Oscars?
-That was a real shit show, wasn't it?
-Shit him out!
-They gave an award to a sparrow.
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
Is there a whistle you can blow
that can keep him under control?
When he gets like this, it's best
just to let him wear himself out.
Security, shit him the shit out
of the airlock and into the shit!
You need to shut the F up,
before I knock you the F...
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
-Frank! Frank!
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
-Frank! Frank!
-Frank! Frank!
-Shit him out!
-Shit him out!
-Frank! Put him down, he's mine!
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
-No! Stop murdering someone!
-Frank!
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
Do something!
Well, I guess things are looking up
for... Oh, thank fuck!
Calm, and I cannot stress this enough,
the fuck down!
Mr. Judd did not mean shit anybody out,
he was making a joke.
Yeah. Yeah.
You guys don't understand comedy. I do.
What I did back there,
that was comedy. Idiots.
Yeah, but right, and the comedy was,
may I say, exquisitely performed,
unlike this guy who I assume was abused
by a punchline when he was a kid.
-Oh, come on!
-Taking his revenge.
Do you mind? Please?
Security, can we bring Frank
back down? Right?
-Let's bring Frank back down.
-Thank God!
Thank you. And can we render him
vertical? There we go.
Okay, now, do you know
what's gonna get us out of this?
-A big rocket?
-No. Well, yes, that would be...
Okay, there's two ways
we can get out of this.
Captain Ryan saved you, okay?
So, you just owe him a big handshake.
-Go on. Go ahead.
-We work together as a team, all right?
Like the Egyptians
building the pyramids.
We can be like bricks
in one of those Mexican palaces
with the steps up the side,
we climb the steps...
Frank!
You stay away from my wife, you jackal!
Or you will have me
and my wife to deal with!
Got it? Captain Turtleneck?
-Frank. That was wrong.
-Honey!
Hot, but wrong!
-We're 10 seconds from halfway home.
-So, it's funny, isn't it?
You call them elevators,
but they just don't elevate.
-They also lower.
-...seven, zero!
Yeah!
We're halfway home! Let's party so loud,
they hear us back on Earth.
Who threw that? You are a dead man.
All right, or woman.
Let's not be sexist.
But actually, no, it was a man.
It was him there.
Not him. Him.
-This is all on you!
-What?
You had one job. I expect,
I'm not sure exactly what you do.
I saved everybody, so I think
the words you're looking for are,
"Thank you, Billie", and "I'm sorry
I've got a rod up my metal ass".
I hope you're trampled
by this conga line...
Iris, I'll be in my cabin
with a protein ball and a gun.
-Yes, Mr. Judd...
-Iris!
I heard you!
Well, I think that's my time.
So, thanks for coming everyone
to see the funniest man in the universe.
That's me, in case it wasn't clear.
I think everything will be okay
if we just stick together.
Worked for every extinct species
in history.
What a crazy night, right?
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
These people are the bravest
and the boldest.
They are humanity's finest
and they need safe...
-The president will see you now.
-Great.
Jordan is goona be signing
merchandise at the bar.
I'm just kidding. He's in hiding.
Hello, I'm Jordan.
Best stand-up comic this side of Mars.
Also the only stand-up comic
this side of Mars,
but don't tell my mum that,
she's super impressed.
Laugh, laugh, laugh.
-Two, two, "is this thing on"?
-Yeah, it's on...
No... I know. It's a bit,
the "is this on" thing,
to imply that the audience
weren't laughing.
Best thing about doing stand-up
in space? Literally no pressure.
-Is this thing on?
-Yup.
No, I know it's...
And then I'll plug the beer. And...
When I first took this gig on,
they told me
that I needed enough material
to cover the first half of the journey,
so I guess now I need a tight
one year and three quarters.
Is that funny?
Or is that too much maths?
Math.
-Oh, God! That's not good.
-It's shit. That's all shit!
Hey, maybe they heard your set.
Captain, are you ready to do this?
I always hoped that my last words
might be better than, "Fuck me, no".
I don't know how to attach the tether.
There should be an instruction panel
right in front of you.
To attach your safety tether
simply grasp the narrow end of the clamp
to release the G Catch.
There. That wasn't so hard was it?
Well, you fucking try it.
Okay, it's a space walk, so... walk.
So Captain, what exactly
are you looking at?
The inside of my eyelids.
There appears to be no floor.
Yes, Captain.
You really make this look easy.
Why is he flailing around like that?
What...
-No, look. He's up right now.
-Yes.
No, just gone back. Where you going?
I'm going to do 600 pushups
and then throw up in the sink.
Can you get visuals
on the wet suit compromise?
"Have visuals"?
What's wrong with "see"?
-Or "come back in"?
-Engineering?
-Present.
-Yeah. Not you.
Looking at wet suit protocol three now.
Captain Courageous needs to locate
the lateral access valve,
where it intersects with the bi...
Intersects with the binary caps
from the lower deck. Did you get that?
All I got from that was
"you're going to die out here".
Find a big metal wheel and turn it off.
-Estimate of her velocity, Captain?
-I might actually sneeze.
He can't hear you,
because, well, you know, he's outside...
What happens then? Billie? What's
the sneezing protocol in space?
Get me in his ear. I'll walk him home.
Is there one? Did you look that up?
-Voila.
-Gracias.
Yeah, in other devastating news,
Spike is about to join the auto comms.
-The icing on the shit.
-I got you now, buddy.
-Oh, she's a gusher.
-Please don't call it "she."
Why? That things powerful.
And I respect it.
I'm going to check on a valve.
-Billie?
-Mr. Tambourine man, you're up.
-Yeah, sure.
-Billy?
So, we're just splitting forward
protocol three. It's just a thing we do.
-We love you, Spike!
-I'm splitting forward protocol three.
It's just a thing we do, don't worry.
-Make way for the shit shooter.
-Oh, God, was that me?
It's a little bit of all of us.
Hey! I got a button
on the end of my fist.
Do you want to press it with your face,
button dick?
I think she's talking to me.
Yeah, so nobody thought to put
this wheel on the inside.
Wouldn't that have been easier?
-Oh, bugger me!
-Oh, no!
Oh, I can taste last year's breakfast.
Some guys would pay good money
to have that done to them.
And girls. Women.
Not me though.
Other way, other way.
Don't worry, Captain, you got this.
I've got this.
Turn it this way.
Of course I've got it.
I was born getting it.
I haven't got it. Help me more.
That's it.
Yeah!
Alan, get me a car to Buffalo!
-You're going to the White House?
-Oh, yes.
Time to do
some corporate begging. Yes?
There he is.
There he is. I believed in you.
Unlike Iris.
She already rented out your cabin.
That was nothing. But then what isn't?
He's so modest,
he could almost be British.
-Why the fuck did I say that?
-That stuff is neuro developmental.
I was very, very proud of how Captain
Ryan followed my direction out there.
You were out of depth on the bridge.
Yes, you're much better suited
in a secondary position.
Fucking balls!
Burn those suits, they smell like hell!
-I can actually hear that smell.
-Dude...
Hey, beautiful, tonight at midnight,
we reach our furthest point from Earth
and turn around to head back.
I know, time flies.
I don't want to go home, either.
But I'll see you later
at the halfway-home party.
Hey, is that true?
Well, it was true when I said it.
Like a marriage vow.
And you just kept this up.
Sure, I mean we can still have
a 146th-of-the-way-home party.
-Yeah, that could work.
-Spike gets it.
We brought $200,000 worth of streamers.
The only other use would be
for your funeral.
-Hey, it's the shit whisperer.
Hey, Benjamin Button!
-Shit stack walking.
-Frankenfuck!
Mr. Crapatoa.
Wow, couldn't you just stay
in this cabin all day?
I mean, I know I could.
And I think you should.
-Why?
-There's just so much to explore, baby.
We have booze, right?
Who doesn't love booze?
And, and four books, five books here,
I mean, that's just... Right?
All I did was...
And then they...
And...
Don't ever sit!
Inflate one thousand balloons.
I need to vet your materials
for this show this evening.
Oh, wow, so it's true,
the show really does go on.
It's in your contract,
you'd be doing a show tonight
even if this was a burned-out hull full
of space junk and dead animals, so...
Jokes.
Do some.
-Okay, what makes you laugh?
-Comedy.
-Obviously.
-And sometimes tragedy.
Light tragedy.
Erectile dysfunction,
non-fatal hunting accidents,
waving at someone you think you know,
but it turns out to be a stranger,
that sort of thing.
Now, make it topical.
Mention "it", but don't mention it.
"It?" That's horrible.
Go.
-Okay, I can start with...
-It's not called sit-down.
I can start with...
This is some hot shit.
You know it's actually extremely cold
in space?
-Are you going to do this the whole way?
-Yes.
And I'd say you're a heckler's wet dream
right now.
You see what I did?
Did you... did you see?
I put a fucking goldfish bowl
on my head,
went out there, and fixed a spaceship!
I know. I need you to make it clear
that it wasn't Frank's fault.
-Who's Frank?
-My husband!
Oh, do you mind
if we don't talk about him?
He's only there to stop his skeleton
from falling over.
Christ, I'm coming off my fucking nut.
I feel like I can kill and eat a man.
Oh, God! Just fuck me
and don't even give me your name.
Okay, so, somebody needs some soap
for their mouth
and a hot totty for their mood. Sit.
Chill.
I just did something,
and I don't know what it was.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how...
Anybody knows what they’re doing.
Does anybody know what they’re doing?
How does everything work?
Does anybody know?
-I mean, who knows how that door works?
-It doesn't work.
Well, I didn't even know
how it doesn't work. And look at this.
I mean, how am I doing that? I do not
know how the fuck I'm doing that.
-Drink this.
-Now... You see... See, orifices!
They're all over us.
Well, that can't be safe, can it?
You know what's ironic? I just left
a man who can't finish his sentence,
and here you are,
and you just can't shut the F up.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-I feel a bit trapped.
-Well honey, we're all trapped.
The sky is full of S-H-I-T.
Oh, no.
-There it floats.
-Bollocks!
Oh, can everything just fuck off?
Wait, is that... Was that Captain Ryan?
It was not, in fact.
I will be back soon, tootsie roll, okay?
HALF WAY HOME
I'll see you all tonight.
Bring your children.
Unless they have behavioral disorders.
And bring them, too. It's a party.
Hey, I don't want
to get you overexcited,
but this party is going to be
an orgy of the gods.
I don't get overexcited. I'm always
on the same fucking level of excited.
-Right, Iris?
-Yes.
I'll have another shot of water please?
All right, let's go yell
in some people's faces!
I'm so sorry, please enjoy
this Judd voucher.
I apologize, these are valid
anywhere on the ship.
Take the French fries. Leave the beer.
I'm so sorry, these are valid everywhere
on the ship except the golf course.
Oh, really? Can I get one of those?
-Oh, hey, Billie. You look nice.
-Hey. So do you.
I decided to go for
"I just saved the ship casual".
-We just saved the ship.
-What did I say?
-Yeah. "We".
-Oh, hey, come on.
-Stop that.
-Stop. Stop. Stop it.
-Thank you! We were just doing our job.
-I was just doing my job.
-We just did what we had to do.
-I did what I had to do.
Yes. Yes. Did you see me out there?
Do you understand I have not slept
a wink since you freaked me out?
I'm writing my jokes on tissue paper.
Who does that these days?
We can delay the start by five minutes.
Are you sure it's safe for me here?
I'm getting sneering looks.
Oh, honey, relax. Everybody's here
to celebrate Captain Ryan.
Oh, my God, he looks amazing
in that turtleneck.
Listen, with him wearing that, I
guarantee nobody is thinking about you.
We make a really great team.
You saving the ship,
and me thanking you for that.
Yeah. I mean, you know,
they were probably live streaming
the whole thing all over the world.
So, right now, I'm probably more famous
than that guy who shat his pants
at the Superbowl.
-Daniel Radcliffe?
-Yeah.
-Those two are an item.
-Those two?
-Yeah. Yeah.
-No. No way. Nuh-uh.
No, she's not his type.
I mean, I think he would...
I think he would probably want
an older woman.
You know, a woman who's more,
like, mature.
The way I see it,
like, 2500 women on board?
At least 700 of them I would totally
want a consensual meeting with.
-Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
-I'll get some informed consent tonight.
Just some sweet, sweet informed consent
from a strong autonomous woman...
Hey guys, did you hear that? I think
that was the sound of 700 vaginas
-snapping shut.
-It's not.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I am horny as hell,
so I am going to go out
and get my body slammed.
And it's okay that she said.
We're separated.
They just haven't found me
my own cabin yet.
-We should...
-Yeah, we should.
I'll freshen up and see you down there.
-That means he has to have a little cry.
-I really don't.
-Shots?
-You know, I usually don't drink
because it makes me blunt
and opinionated.
As opposed to?
Hey, everyone. Welcome
to the Halfway Home party.
Now, in a second, I'm going to bring out
our comedian for the evening.
His name's Jordan Hatwal.
He is extremely nervous, okay?
But I know you guys are going
to love him, right?
Okay, okay, I think that's probably
gonna make him more nervous
because it was pretty underwhelming.
Let's try it again, right?
-Are you excited for Jordan Hatwal?
-Yeah!
Okay, okay. Okay, I don't think
he can live up to that.
You know, if he was that good, he would
probably be doing arena shows on Earth.
But now that I've lowered
your expectations again,
I think you might be
pleasantly surprised
by the competent, workman-like comedy
of Jordan Hatwal.
But before he comes out to win you over
or die horribly,
I want to give a big round of applause
to our heroes, Captain Ryan Clark!
-And...
-Billie McEvoy!
...former astronaut, Spike Martin.
What?
-Okay. Jordan, are you ready to go?
-Yep.
-Listen to him. He's nervous, right?
-Yeah!
Okay! Please put your hands together,
or silently reserve judgment,
for Jordan Hatwal!
All right. Hey, how you going?
I've been asleep for the last 120 hours,
what'd I miss?
-We're stuck up here for three years.
-Okay, guys.
That was his first joke,
so you can laugh. It's okay to laugh.
-Matt.
-I'm just... I'm just trying to help.
Yeah, it's hard doing
a halfway-home gig when...
I mean, we're not even halfway...
-I vetoed that angle.
-Okay.
Guys, pretend that we're 21 months
into the voyage, right.
-Is that helpful?
-No.
It doesn't... It's not helpful.
Do you want... Do you want
to come up here and do the set?
-Sure, yeah.
-I wasn't actually asking.
-You were joking?
-Yep, that was a joke.
It's what I'm here to do.
It's like the joke police over here.
-Anyway, shoehorns. Pretty weird, no?
-Yes!
-Thank you for your service.
-You're real-life heroes!
-People loved us.
-No, no, no. No, I'm sorry, no.
I don't get it. I just don't...
I don't get this, this...
I arm wrestled with space and I won,
so that was me.
Speaking of arms, yours are so firm.
How do you find gym time
in between saving lives?
-Well, firm is my middle name.
-What's your first name?
-Colin.
-Colin Firm.
-Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz.
-Oh, is that Italian?
-No, it's actually... Okay.
-Oh, who cares. Okay.
Oh! Guess who else will be
on the prowl tonight?
Captain Ryan Clark,
ladies and gentlemen!
He's as horny and as hairy as a tomcat
and I should know because back
in the day, he put a baby up me.
Was your oxygen restricted
in your early developmental years?
Oh, you can't wash
the shame away, Frank.
Next time, leave it
to the professionals, you silly man!
Why can't the captain be a womanizer?
Or a maninizer?
He can do what he wants.
I actually don't care at this point.
-Captain Clark is a sex man?
-He's a dog.
Hey, fuck it, shall we start the conga?
Let's do a conga. Frank, come on.
Allez!
He cannot press a button
-He cannot press a button
-Come on, let's get out of here.
-He always fucks it up
-Fucks it up!
-Check it.
-I'm so sorry.
First person that's laughed
in quite some time.
-Hey, you want to come back to my place?
-Sure, I'll take it where I can get it.
-A hole's a hole.
-Oh, no, thank you.
I have a flight simulation game
I would love to play with you.
-It'd be an honor, sir.
-Oh, well, okay, well,
batten down the sexual hatches,
let's fly some ships.
So, do you remember the phones
that you had to plug in to charge?
-Yes, I do.
-Yeah, well, they...
They were...
No, no. That one's gone.
Just give it a second, because this
could be good when you think of it.
-They had a cord.
-They had a cord, yeah.
I don't think
that was the punchline though.
Promote the beer!
-Hey.
-You can tell from our expressions
-that we need to talk face to face...
-Uh, no, no, no, you're talking.
You should know because I called you,
so you should really wait and...
-Anyway, it doesn't matter.
-Ryan, we have to tell you something.
-I know, it was impressive.
-Well, it's not bad.
What do you mean "bad"?
We love you, but we didn't sign up
for three and a half years, and...
with that crazy spacewalk?
-You're looking at a hero basically.
-We can't...
-We can't take the stress.
-The what?
You lose the plot, you lose your slot.
"Slot?" This is a marriage,
not a fucking squash court!
We're getting trivorced.
Two thirds majority. Motion carried.
What about our vows?
"Hand in hand in hand?"
And then I downed it in one
and I threw up on her dress.
That’s the end of prom
and that's the first time I had a drink.
But it was a Judd Light, and Judd Light
is available throughout the ship.
It's a liquid party.
I'm right in here.
What are you doing? What?
-Just going to my room.
-Why are you here?
-It's my room.
-You trying to trick us into a foursome,
there's no tricking needed.
-This isn't a foursome, it's a twosome.
-I'm easy.
-You guys stay here.
-What? I...
-Why did you bring the peat bog man?
-We're going on my flight simulator.
You need to vacate the room,
because I'll be making love everywhere.
Yeah, we could go to your room.
-Can I keep that as a back-up?
-Oh, sure, yeah.
Give them a minute, see what pans out.
-Colin Firm get in here!
-What?
Sorry, Doug, the viewing gallery
is closed.
Come here, let's just do it here.
-No.
-No, no. Just do it quickly before he...
-Just do it. Do it!
-Okay, who cares about him?
-Do you want it? Do you want it?
-Do it! Do it! Do it!
-Don't be a pussy, Colin!
-I'm sorry, I wasn't trained for this.
-I'm sorry.
-This reminds me of my last days
of the International Space station.
That was a scene.
I ruined it for her, so I won.
So, my last relationship
didn't end well.
But then in some ways,
you can say it did.
Because my girlfriend fell down a well.
-Gravity, what a downer.
-No, no, no, no. No. No.
-Hey, it's Mr. Judd everyone.
-No, no, hold your applause.
Four people died because of that gravity
fail. Don't joke about stuff like that.
Maybe that's why your girlfriend
jumped down that well,
because of those kinds of jokes.
-She didn't. She just left me.
-I was going to say a few words later,
but now that... sucked
all the good energy out of the room
and just flushed it out into space like
fuh-barg, I'm just going to read it now.
"As you know, this was meant to be
the halfway point,
but we're not halfway.
And yet in so many ways,
we're more than halfway."
-Iris, who wrote this?
-I did.
And is it like this all the way through,
or does it get any better?
Well, that was the best part
and you kind of threw it away.
Fuck! All right.
"Because we've come a long way,
and I'm proud of you and of me,
and I'm inspired by you and me."
I'm just going to skip to the end.
All right. "We can do this, we're
nearly there, we're not, but we are!"
Ever been to Buffalo before?
It's changed a lot since they moved
the White House there for a start...
Shut up!
Alan, this better not be bad news. I...
What the fuck is that?
I'm afraid some
of the residual matter
has escaped
the ship's gravitational pull.
-Okay, well, it's a ring of shit.
-Yeah.
-"A ring of shit?"
-Could you just... Back to the book.
On the upside, you can't see
the coffins anymore.
No, there's one.
Get ready to pretend
we're 10 minutes to halfway there!
-Can I get one of those?
-Sure.
Billie, don't ever, ever show anyone
your feelings.
Right? Just bury them
as deep as you can.
Scrunch them up into a little tiny ball
and then just...
Grow a couple of ulcers
if you want to mark the spot,
but otherwise just smile
and say that everything is fine.
-You're not a happy drunk.
-I'm not a happy anything.
-Hi, there. Hey.
-Hey there.
Why is the shit still outside there?
Iris! It's getting thicker.
We're working on it.
All right, it's Mr. Judd, everybody.
Give it up.
Yeah, it's on. I know it's on.
You're going to have to compensate us
for this. This is your fault!
I mean, it's Frank's fault.
He hit the big brown button.
You mean shit the button.
You see, that's comedy, man.
That right there is comedy, word play.
I love it.
Hey, Frank, what if I came
and took a shit outside of your room?
The shit is already outside my room.
Okay, then I'll come take a shit
inside your room.
I'll pay for the cleanup,
so you can do it again tomorrow.
We should shit Frank out the airlock.
You hurt him without my consent
and involvement,
and I will harm you deeply!
Shit him out!
Shit him out!
Shit him out!
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
-Guys, come on. Calm down!
-Shit him out!
-Hey, who remembers the last Oscars?
-That was a real shit show, wasn't it?
-Shit him out!
-They gave an award to a sparrow.
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
Is there a whistle you can blow
that can keep him under control?
When he gets like this, it's best
just to let him wear himself out.
Security, shit him the shit out
of the airlock and into the shit!
You need to shut the F up,
before I knock you the F...
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
-Frank! Frank!
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
-Frank! Frank!
-Frank! Frank!
-Shit him out!
-Shit him out!
-Frank! Put him down, he's mine!
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
-No! Stop murdering someone!
-Frank!
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
Do something!
Well, I guess things are looking up
for... Oh, thank fuck!
Calm, and I cannot stress this enough,
the fuck down!
Mr. Judd did not mean shit anybody out,
he was making a joke.
Yeah. Yeah.
You guys don't understand comedy. I do.
What I did back there,
that was comedy. Idiots.
Yeah, but right, and the comedy was,
may I say, exquisitely performed,
unlike this guy who I assume was abused
by a punchline when he was a kid.
-Oh, come on!
-Taking his revenge.
Do you mind? Please?
Security, can we bring Frank
back down? Right?
-Let's bring Frank back down.
-Thank God!
Thank you. And can we render him
vertical? There we go.
Okay, now, do you know
what's gonna get us out of this?
-A big rocket?
-No. Well, yes, that would be...
Okay, there's two ways
we can get out of this.
Captain Ryan saved you, okay?
So, you just owe him a big handshake.
-Go on. Go ahead.
-We work together as a team, all right?
Like the Egyptians
building the pyramids.
We can be like bricks
in one of those Mexican palaces
with the steps up the side,
we climb the steps...
Frank!
You stay away from my wife, you jackal!
Or you will have me
and my wife to deal with!
Got it? Captain Turtleneck?
-Frank. That was wrong.
-Honey!
Hot, but wrong!
-We're 10 seconds from halfway home.
-So, it's funny, isn't it?
You call them elevators,
but they just don't elevate.
-They also lower.
-...seven, zero!
Yeah!
We're halfway home! Let's party so loud,
they hear us back on Earth.
Who threw that? You are a dead man.
All right, or woman.
Let's not be sexist.
But actually, no, it was a man.
It was him there.
Not him. Him.
-This is all on you!
-What?
You had one job. I expect,
I'm not sure exactly what you do.
I saved everybody, so I think
the words you're looking for are,
"Thank you, Billie", and "I'm sorry
I've got a rod up my metal ass".
I hope you're trampled
by this conga line...
Iris, I'll be in my cabin
with a protein ball and a gun.
-Yes, Mr. Judd...
-Iris!
I heard you!
Well, I think that's my time.
So, thanks for coming everyone
to see the funniest man in the universe.
That's me, in case it wasn't clear.
I think everything will be okay
if we just stick together.
Worked for every extinct species
in history.
What a crazy night, right?
Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
These people are the bravest
and the boldest.
They are humanity's finest
and they need safe...
-The president will see you now.
-Great.
Jordan is goona be signing
merchandise at the bar.
I'm just kidding. He's in hiding.