Atlanta (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Crank Dat Killer - full transcript

Mm. There are 5,000 channels
on this damn box

and I can't ever find
what the hell I want.

E-S-P-N.

Just a regular goddamn remote.

I told you what you need to do.

You need to cut all of that off.

You know, the cable,
the electric, the gas.

- All of it, just...
- cut it off.

Nigga, you know I'm not
doing that.

Why not?

'Cause I ain't no hipster
living with his sister's

girlfriend's cousin picking
boysenberries or some shit.

Nigga, I'm rich.

Plus, you can't stream
everything.

What can't you stream?

You know, man,
shit like the news.

- Huh?
- The news, my nigga?

- This nigga said "the news."
- Are you 80 years old?

Yes, nigga.
Yeah, the news.

Yeah, I watch that.

I want to stay informed
and shit.

That's why I watch CNN.

Isn't CNN that place
where you take your kids

to play in the fountains?

Look, you want to know
if somebody died, TMZ.

You want to know
if someone's canceled, Twitter.

You want to know what's
going on in the Black community?

Shade Room comments section.

- Exactly.
- Or Lipstick Alley.

- Right. Right.
- Yo, y'all heard about that Crank Dat Killer?

Crank Dat what?

Wait, man, Wait.
I heard about this theory.

Most of the Black murders
that have occurred

in the past year and a half
have all been linked

to a common denominator.

All the victims made
"Crank Dat" dance videos

back in the day.

- What?
- Yeah.

I-I didn't believe it either,
but...

this dude on Lipstick Alley,
man, he did his homework, man.

He cited his work
and everything.

Yeah, I mean, I believe him.

Soulja Boy just better
watch his back,

that's all I know.

Yeah, it's a good thing none
of us made "Crank Dat" videos,

'cause this guy seems pissed.

And whoever did, man,

they better watch their back.

You know, I bet you he got tabs
on 'em and everything.

Yeah. The FBI wants
to talk to anybody

who's been to the Pool Palace,
you know,

in the past ten years.

No, I heard the killer got,

like, white glasses like Fabo.

He come in, he like...

- He got a knife.
- Yeah, and with the...

You all right, man?

Hmm?

Look, man, it was 2007,
all right?

I-I trapped in the parking lot
of Green Briar

the entire summer.

It was hot, it was boring.

I must've ate about a hundred
Pretzelmaker pretzels, man.

Of course I fucked around and
made one of these videos, man.

Look, if you sold drugs
in Atlanta,

you made a "Crank Dat" video,
okay?

So me and my homie J-Berg,
we recorded this.

And this has been on
the Internet the entire time?

Man, J-Berg posted that shit.

I would call his ass
and tell him to take it down,

but then the nigga would have
my phone number.

Plus the nigga's probably dead.

Gotta be real with you, uh,
even I don't like this.

But, you know, look,
it got 25 views,

so you could be in the good.

The killer may not have
even seen it.

Nigga, I ain't worried about no

goddamn "Crank Dat" killer, man.

Hey, look, see if you can
get this scrubbed

off the Internet, Earn,
all right?

The last thing I need is
niggas hyped over this story

finding my ass, all right?

All right.

- Mm.
- You know,

when you look deeper into it,

spiritually
it's a little deeper.

You see, our roots...

kind of deal with dancing.

No, you don't gotta do that.
This is bad.

It's real bad.

Whoo!

'Aight, 15 minutes
to record a track.

That gotta be a record.

Man, why is it so hard to
get sneakers nowadays?

Me and Darius are trying
to get these

Nike Miracles, man.

The shit sold out in,
like, 30 seconds.

Yeah, man, resellers
got the game fucked up, man.

Might as well be
shoe gentrification.

Hey, why don't you
just call Nike

and have 'em send you
a pair for me?

I already did.
They told me to go to hell.

It is what it is, man.
Sorry.

Hey, man, bounce that track
back from the top.

- Hey, Paper Boi.
- Yo.

There's a guy
in the next room over

that wanted to pop in
and say what's up.

Some guy named Doug?

Yeah.

Yeah, tell him it's cool, man.

You can tell him it's cool.

Who? Doug? What?

Nigga, man. No, some...

- Some Guy Named Doug.
- Oh.

He always trying to get me on
a track with his ass and shit.

Man, I mean, he a cool dude,

but his music sound
like ass, nigga.

- Yeah, his music does suck.
- Yeah.

Great guy, though.

Aw, there he go.

- Ha ha! Paper Boi!
- Ah...

What's going on,
Some Guy Named Doug?

I knew I heard you in here.
What's good, man?

Oh, man, you know,
laying it down, babe.

Shit, you in here cooking up?

You know, you know,
on the regular, man.

Yo, we should get
on a song together.

Oh, man, man, I would love
to do that, man,

but I'm on my way out, man,

and the system just crashed,
my nigga.

- Wow. Really?
- Yeah, man.

Well, what you been working on?
Play me something.

Oh, man, I can't 'cause
the speaker's busted, too, man.

Oh, you can just email it to me.

And the motherfuckin'
Wi-Fi down, too.

- All this shit connected, nigga.
- What?!

I've been trying to tell
these niggas to get a router.

Damn, every time, man.

Look, one of these days

we gonna get on a song together.

- Hey, man, I'm down.
- 'Aight?

- Yeah.
- One day.

- One day, nigga.
- 'Aight, man, I'm-a call you.

- Hey, you could text.
- Okay, I'm-a text you.

- Yeah, yeah.
- I got some new beats, too.

- Fire!
- All right. Yeah.

- I'm-a send it to you.
- All right, you do that.

You do that, you do that
you do that.

That's cool.

I gotta get a new phone, nigga,
like, immediately, 'cause...

- Doug's a nice guy.
- He's-he's incredibly kind, man.

- Hey, you back this up?
- No, we done.

Oh, shit, it's smoking
like a motherfucker, man.

Oh, man.

We ain't gotta pay
for that, right? Like...?

No, we ain't gotta pay for that.

All right, I'll catch you later.

- Hey, man, hit me when you get home.
- All right.

Shit, man.

What the fuck was I thinking?

Babe.

Babe! We're here.

My bad.

You should, uh...

you should go home,
get more sleep before work.

No. Not with your little
brother and sister

running around.

Babe, we gotta move out
of your mom's place.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

You know, I support
your rap career and everything,

but maybe it's time
you thought about

getting a real job,
like a career.

Just in case the rap thing,
you know...

Look, baby, remember
how I told you about

how Big Sean got discovered?

Yeah.

You said he rapped for Kanye

outside of a radio station
or something.

Exactly.

All I need is one opportunity.

And I'm gonna be prepared
for when that moment comes.

Just have faith.

Please?

Okay.

I promise you that everything's
gonna be okay.

All right, take care of Mommy,
Little Juanita.

So who is this guy?

Uh, he is but a man
with many shoes.

The neighborhood knows him
as Shoe Man.

So he's kind of like
Sock Man, except for shoes.

Yeah, but Sock Man had
an actual store.

This-this is a van.

No, man, this guy's legit.

Shoe know what it is. Yes, sir.

Hey...

Hop in, gentlemen.

All right.

Get that door for me, champ?

- Oh, yeah.
- Appreciate you.

So how can I help you boys?

We want to get the...
the Nike Miracles.

- Yeah, they're sold out...
- What size?

11. Right?

- 11 for you, too?
- Yeah, 11.

I got 11, 10 and a half.

- Last two.
- Ah.

Really?

Damn, that's surprising.

They usually don't be having
any 11s.

Whoa!

- Yes.
- Really?

- Yes.
- These legit?

Yeah, they real. That's why
they call me the Shoe Man.

- All right.
- Damn.

Um, how much?

Nothing, really.

Just let me see you two kiss.

- I'm sorry?
- What?

Just let me see y'all two
kiss in the backseat.

- All right. I mean, that's easy.
- Wait. No, no, no.

Wait. Hold on.

How much for the shoes, man?

How much money do you want?

I don't need money, man.
Everybody got money.

Yeah, man, look, it ain't
that big of a deal.

We just knock this out.
Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

- I don't want to kiss you.
- Be on with our day.

Look, I know you're
not gay, bro.

That's not the point. Okay?

I don't want to kiss my friend
for shoes.

So, what, you want to
kiss a stranger?

- I don't understand what...
- I don't want to kiss

anybody, Darius.

Damn, y'all back?

I'm gonna need an answer,
fellas, I got a line.

Do you need to look
at 'em again?

Nigga is stupid.

Trash.

- Hello?
- Hello?

Hey, hey. Hey, Soulja,
man, what's up, man?

Paper Boi? What up, brah?

Oh, you know, man,
I'm coolin', coolin'.

Hey, hey, I got a dumb-ass qu...
I got a dumb-ass question, man.

Yeah? What up?

Um, you heard anything about
this "Crank Dat" killer stuff?

Are you serious?
Of course I have.

I got more "Crank Dat" content
on the Internet than anyone.

Too much to count.

I basically invented YouTube.

Yeah, definitely.

You lucky, man.

Lucky you ain't got a bunch of

"Crank Dat" videos like me.

Oh, you know what?

This shit. Back in
the day, man, I did, actually.

What?

What are you saying, man?
You made a "Crank Dat" song?

Yeah, man, but...
I ain't call it that.

I called it the
"Crank Dat Jimmy Neutron."

- You know what I'm saying?
- Nigga, what?! That was you?

Yo, you gotta skip town
just like me then.

Wait, you serious?

If I was you, I'd be on the way

to my safe farm right now.

Safe farm? What the hell
is a safe farm?

A farm that's safe.

If you don't got a safe farm,
you good as dead.

You know...

"Like a good nigga,

safe farm is there."

Nigga, what the fuck is you
talking about?

I don't know, man.
I'm tired, I'm scared.

Yo, get all the Soulja-tendo
game systems. All of 'em. Look,

you are not safe, man.

I don't care who you are,

you got a "Crank Dat" video
out there,

you better watch your back.

I gotta go.

But...

Where the hell are
my glasses at?

Safe farm.

So what's up, fellas? This
kiss ain't gonna French itself.

French ki... Nah, you didn't
say that before. French?

I'm sorry, it's just an
expression I'm trying out.

Okay, we got a couple questions.

Uh, right?

How long a kiss
are we talking here?

- Eight minutes?
- Eight minutes?

- No, man. Come on.
- No. Come on, man, that's...

- That's a whole, like, Animaniacs.
- That's fine. Then let's haggle.

Yeah, that's a make-out...

Well, let's haggle, then.

A peck on the lips.

What, you kissing your grandma?
Nigga, please.

- Two minutes at least.
- Man, fuck this.

- Man, fuck these shoes.
- Okay, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.
All right, look.

Well, but... Let me and him
discuss this one-on-one, please.

And we'll definitely
come back with an answer for you.

It better be worth it.

I know it is.

Man, do what you want, man.
I'm not doing it.

What do you mean
you're not doing it, man?

What I'm supposed to do,
just kiss myself?

I can't...

These things are worth
$10,000, man.

- I've seen it online.
- Then pay it.

Pay the $10,000 online.

I'm not gonna pay $10,000 for
something I can get for $200.

That just...
The principle of that...

Exactly.
It's the principle, okay?

I get it, okay?

I like sneakers.
You like sneakers.

But like a lot of Black men,

we put an excessive amount
of value in them, okay.

Is it really worth our dignity?

There are only a thousand
in the, like,

- in the whole world.
- Man...

You've seen me wear $900 loafers

that would get me roasted at any

- Black high school in Atlanta.
- Yeah. True.

I've seen billionaires walk into

very important meetings
wearing some dirty Vans.

I've seen you wear a paper towel
around your head

and make it look cool,
like Jadakiss.

That was a fun summer, huh?

I'll kiss you if you want
for these sneakers,

but I think we're above this.

I think you know I'm right.

Mm.

I think we should do it.

Hey, Shoe Man,

two orders of Nike Miracles,
please.

Let's do this.

Y'all ready?

Hey, how you doing today?

Uh, can I get one soft pretzel?

Paper Boi?

I'm gonna give you
two extra pretzels.

Don't tell nobody though.

Mm, can I get you
on my Instagram Live?

Hell no.

Um...

- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Mm-hmm.

How you know it was me?

Only famous people
trying to blend in

come in dressed like that.

You're the only nigga in here
with a hat with no logo on it.

You know how hard it is to find
a hat without a logo on it?

See?

That's Chris Evans.

Hmm.

Free samples.

Free samples.

Free sample? Free sample?

Free sample.

Try our Bourbon Street chicken?

Nigga, everybody already knows
what that taste like.

Free sample.

Hey, Roberto.

Hey, Chartreuse.

Free samples.

Free samples.

You heard Paper Boi here?

Like, for real?

- Mm-hmm.
- Where?

My home girl Tiffany said
his fat ass was getting

a pretzel at Pretzelmaker.

You...

Okay, this is it. This is it.

I... Yo, I got to go spit
for him.

- Mm.
- Cover me.

Nigga, I work at Sbarro!

Oh!

Hmm.

Turn right.

Turn right.

You have reached
your destination.

Paper Boi!

Shit.

Oh, shit!

Mm.

I'm s... I'm sorry. Sorry.

- Can I help you?
- What?

Can I help you?

Yeah. Uh...

Uh, can I see, um,

one of these digital display
belt buckles, please?

Really?
I got to be honest with you,

last person I sold one
of these to was a crackhead.

Maybe you'll start a trend.

You want one of those gold
belt buckles down there, too?

Tell the truth.

You're a crackhead, right?

Oh, shit!

Get out the way!

What the fuck?

What the fuck is going on here?

Come here.

So you boys ready?

All right, uh, yeah.

Ready to do this?

- You said three seconds, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Out of mind.

Just be in the moment.

Two Nike Miracles, please...

Oh, oh...

What...?

Bro...

- Uh...
- We're already implicated.

Yeah, fuck, then let me grab...

Oh, shit! Shit, man!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Hey!

Just shoot
that motherfucker, man!

Paper Boi, get in!

Get in!

Come on.

Go, go, go, man! Go!

Go, nigga, go, go, go!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! Yes, yes, yes!
Oh, my God!

Man! Some Guy Named Doug, bruh!

Oh, you saved my life, man!

You saved my motherfucking life,
nigga!

Oh, God! Ah, that shit
was crazy back there, man!

Brazy!

But it's all good, man.
Don't even...

- Don't even trip.
- Oh, my God, man!

Oh, God.

Look, man, I owe you one.
For real, man, I owe you one.

Oh, God.

What was you even doing
out here, my nigga?

It was fate, I guess.

- Right place at the right time.
- Hell yeah, man.

I'm actually, uh,
headed to the studio.

Yo.

Yo, yo! We got to get
a song together!

Today, man!
It's fate, man, come on.

We got to do it.
Today's the day.

And I just made
a new beat this morning.

Want to hear it?

Yeah.

Bet you'll go crazy on it!

You're gonna go crazy
in the studio, man!

I can't wait to have a song
with Paper Boi!

Man, this about to go amazing!

Hey, man, yes!

Paper Boi. Paper Boi.

About to be
the song of the year.

Let's get it.

Hello?

Hey.

Ah.

Okay, I see you out here, boy.
Nice, man.

You actually, you know,
got a green thumb.

Yeah, man, you think?

I was thinking
about buying a farm, man.

Oh, for real?

You know, like they say.

"Like a good nigga,
safe farm is there."

That's a good idea actually.

Oh, yeah, uh, you know what?
They found

that, uh, "Crank Dat" killer.

- Word?
- Yeah.

Here, right there.

Man, he thick though. It's
weird for a serial killer...

- Right?
- Yeah.

That's crazy, brah.

Yeah.

What you end up doing today?

Aw, man, you know, I don't know,

went to the mall.

Ran into a nigga I had
beef with from high school.

- Mm.
- Yeah, really? What happened?

I think that nigga's
still mad, man.

Yo, man.

Those are nice sneakers.

- It's about time you noticed.
- Sorry.

Good looking though, yeah.

I had to do
a little something for them.

It was worth it.

What's this nigga talking about?

It's your
boy Paper Boi on the track.

Hey, you ain't got
to say my name on the track.

What the hell is that?

Is that you
and Some Guy Named Doug?

All right, tell me when, nigga.

All right, all right,
yeah, yeah, yeah...

- Yep. Yep.
- Damn.

Okay, yeah. It's trash.

Yep.

How do I catch the rhythm on it?
There's not really a rhythm.

You know what, man?
That's the thing.

I don't, I don't really know.

It's more sound than music.

Yeah. Yeah, it is, right?