Atlanta (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Barbershop - full transcript

Al runs into a series of obstacles while trying to get his hair cut.

No, I got, I got into it
with the Mexicans, man.

I got to deal with some eses.

It ain't my fault
I don't speak Spanish.

Yeah, I thought quincemeant 18.

Well, what does she have on
a wedding dress for?

Hey, sorry for being late,
my man.

Commode in my house backed up

and my pettyass girlfriend
done hid all the plungers.

It's all good, man.
It'sit's all good.

- What was that?
- What?

I'm sorry,
did you say something?

Yeah, I was answering you, man.

No, I'm on the phone, my man.

Okay, hold on, son.

Yeah, she said she ain't even
trust me around rubber and wood.

Hid all the plungers.

What type of petty person
do some shit like that?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. So what we doing?

My man, what we doing?

Nigga, I don't know when
you talking to me, I'm sorry.

Um, the usual.

No. Course not.

She don't be thinking
about nothing else, either.

With that fine ass,
she gonna get it, though.

You know what I'm saying?
It's all good.

When I get my income tax,
I'ma open my own shop

oror I'ma buy my own
WNBA team, one of those...

Yo, Bibby.

- Can we...?
- Hey, man, let me let you go.

I got somebody
sitting in the chair.

Yeah, he's a little hostile.
I got to jet. I'll let you go.

Yeah, it's gonna probably take
me a little minute with this.

Yeah. All right, okay,
I'm fine with it.

Junebug did what?
You is bullshittin'.

Bibby, man. If you don't...
man... -I'm sorry.

Hey. Hey, let me,
let me let you go.

All right, Bubba, okay, cool.
All right. All right, man.

Sorry about that, man. So what'd
you say we're doing today?

The usual, Bibby.

All right, then, the usual it is.
Yeah.

Hey. Let me ask you a question.
Did you see the news last night?

Them savages from Atlanta that
went into that TMobile store,

drove they car in there,

- got away with about 100 phones.
- Yeah, man. It's crazy out here.

I mean, it'sit's that time
of year though, I guess.

Yeah. Crazy.

Hey, yo, and that reminds me,
listen.

If you know somebody
that needs a iPhone,

tell them to holla at me
if they with TMobile.

- I got the hookup on the low.
- Got you, man.

- I appreciate that.
- All right.

So what we doing now?

Like I said, man, the usual.

All right, the usual, damn.

Usual, gonna have the usual.

You don't want to do
nothing different?

No, man. Look, I got, I got
a photo shoot coming up, man.

So I just... want to look good.

You got a photo shoot coming up.

- Yeah, man. I mean...
- You Hollywood now?

Nah, man. It's just a writeup
for me in a magazine.

Yeah. My boy done
went all Hollywood.

It's a writeup in a magazine,

and they want
to take some pictures,

so that'sthat's what I'm doing.

Hey, you dating Kim Kardashian
now? That's what that is?

No, Bibby, man. -My boy done
went straight Hollywood on me.

- That's good, though.
- It ain't no Hollywood, Bibby.

I ain't going
no Hollywood, man. -

You know what, that reminds me,
as a matter of fact,

I'm glad you brought
that Hollywood shit up.

Me and my girl snuck in the AMC
the other day, see a movie.

We was looking at
the movie posters on the wall,

and guess how many movie posters
they got on there

with black people on them.

- Guess!
- One.

- Zero!
- Zero.

It's sad, man.

Key and Peele put a movie out
with a cat in it,

they put the cat on the poster.

They dressed the cat up
like a nigga instead of

putting two niggas that made
the movie on the poster.

So was it a cat in a suit
or just looked like a nigga?

It was...
You know, you know a cat,

what a, what a nigga cat
look like!

Okay. All right, man. I got it.

- It's fucked up. I know.
- It is.

Shit's nuts out here. I'm glad
somebody agree with me.

See, that's why I like you.
You smart.

Smarter than a lot of them.
Why I like you.

You got somewhere to be?

Yes! Bibby, man. Yeah, I said that, man.
Shit, my bad.

Hey, I didn't know. My bad.
Hey. -Just...

Hey, no big deal,
baby. Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

No big deal.
You should've said that.

- All right, man. We good.
- I'll get you squared away.

Shit. Don't worry about that.

Don't worry. That ain't nothing.

Yeah, I got the cut, the usual.

Get you ready for Hollywood.

That reminds me, hey, did you
see that basketball player

that hit all them people at
the club in that invisible car?

- That shit on YouTube.
- Yeah, man.

- II know about it.
- That is the funniest vi...

You got to see this shit.
I got to show you this.

- Yeah, man.
- Shit here is funny.

But I ain't got to,
I ain't got to, I already...

You got to watch this.

You need to watch this,
trust me.

Yeah, watch that right quick.

I'ma use the bathroom, though.

- Man, where you go...?
- Let me just...

Hey, Bibby, man. Somebody...

Somebody calling
your phone, bruh.

Raindrops, peach emoji?

Hello? What you doing?

Don't do that.
Don't go through that. Hello?

Baby, baby, baby,
what is you yelling for?

I'm on my way!
I'm ten minutes...

I'm on 85 right now, I promise.

Promise to God, I'm on 85!

All right, I'ma be there.
Cool. Shit.

Boy.

- What are, what are you doing?
- Leaving.

Leav...? Man, Bibby,
you can't leave me here

with half a haircut, man.

Look at this shit, man.
Come on now!

It's cool
'cause you coming with me.

- Come on.
- Bibby, I ain't going...

Man, I ain't going nowhere
till my hair get cut, bruh.

Come on, man.
Listen, my girl stay

five minutes around the corner.
I'll cut you over there.

- We'll be right back.
- Why, man?

We already in
a barbershop, bruh.

Hey. I know you don't want
nobody else in here

to cut your hair
for your billboard, do you?

You trying to go
to Hollywood now.

You want to be on the poster or
you want the cat on the poster?

- A'ight, man.
- Come on now. Yeah, so...

- Come on.
- Shit, man!

- All right, let's go.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

We got to go out the back, man.

Them people, them people be out
there. Just come on this way.

We ain't going out the front?

Goddamn.

Hey, fam, what your cable
situation looking like?

- What?
- Yeah, your cable.

'Cause, listen,
I'm with Clear Cable now.

I'm working with them
on the side.

So if you sign up with me, I'll
make sure you're taken care of.

You know what I'm talking about?
I'm straight, Bibby.

Well, fine.
Do this for me, then.

Take these business cards,
pass them out at your show

or take them to a studio
or something.

Throw them at the crowd,
whatever you got to do.

Make sure you pick up
my loosies, though,

'cause them ain't cheap.

"Klear Cable." With a "K."

Clever, right?

Toothpick?

50 cent.

I'm good, man.

Hey. Yo, my man. Hey.
Where your mom at, boy?

Where your...? Baby, I'm here!

You a hour late. Come on, Omari.

Hour late?
What you talking about?

Let's go. We're going. Let's go.

Come on. -Wait, baby.
Calm down. Calm down.

Bibby, I ain't got time
for this.

Move! -Baby, I'm here now.
What you doing?

- This ain't none of my fault.
- Whose fault is it?

It's his fault!

You always got
some type of excuse, man!

No, this not
no excuse this time.

Seriously, this is his fault.

He called me, talking about
his car was broke down.

You know what I'm talking about?
And I was on my way home to you.

I had told him.
He said, could I help him.

I was like, "Nah, I got to go
do the right thing."

You know what I'm saying?

But he start crying and stuff.

Talking about his engine.

Yeah, he had queef engine
or something like that.

And his carburetor had jaundice.

So I then had to go and pick him
up off the side of the road.

'Cause only reason
why I did that

is 'cause of all that Jesus
stuff you've been teaching me.

You know what I'm saying?
You're supposed to help.-

- What would Jesus do?
- Why he wearing a cape?

He a magician!
How I supposed to know?

Listen, baby, look. Look, now.

I'm trying to do
the right thing.

I only did this 'cause of you.

You've been trying
to get my life right.

It's been 'cause of you
I'm doing this.

I wouldn't even help the nigga
had it not been for you.

That's why I even came
over here to tell you.

I wanted to thank you
for all the stuff...

YouYou done changed my life.
Thank you, baby.

- Hurry up.
- Thank you.

Come on, baby. Here.

My man, come on, let's get it.
Let's go.

I ain't got all day.

Hey. I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to my man.
Come on, bro.

Bibby, man, I know you
kidding me with this shit.

I know you ain't just
gonna cut his hair

after driving me around
damn creation, man!

Listen, I know, but he had
an appointment, though.

- Nigga, so did I!
- That's true.

But, technically,
his was before yours.

Know what I'm sayin'?
Just calm down, man.

We gonna be here five minutes.
He... he just need a line.

- Go on, Bibby, man! Shit!
- Thank you, man.

Come on now. It's all good.

Five more minutes.

All right, little man.
There you go.

- Bibby!
- What?

The water's not running.

I thought you said
you paid the bill.

I did pay the bill!

Well, I guess
I'm imagining things?

Thought I paid that bill.

You're a magician?

No.

That's what Bibby said.

- Well, Bibby's an idiot.
- That's mean.

Can you show me a trick?

Little man. I just told you
I wasn't a magician, okay?

What's wrong with your hair?

Are you sick or something?

- The hell?
- That was your trick?

And now the power?!

- Bibby, you said you paid that!
- I did pay it, baby.

You know Donald Trump
and them biz out here.

The devil always trying
to steal our j...

You did not just steal from me.

This for the boy haircut!

I got to go, baby.
God bless you now.

Bibby.

Bibby!

This nigga! Shit!

Hey, man. Sorry about all that.

You know how crazy
these hos can get.

Hey, guess I'm staying with my
other woman tonight, you know...

Bibby, man, just take me back
to the shop, all right?

I ain't playing with you, Bibby.

Okay, all right. All right.

You must be starving
though, right?

Hell yeah, man.

My whole day been fucked up
so far. Yes.

Good. Let me get you something
to eat. It's the least I can do.

I'ma take care of you.

Take you right back
to the shop after that.

We're gonna eat.
Hey, you like Zaxby's?

Nigga, don't be rude.

- Of course I love Zaxby's.
- I got you.

Thank you.

Talking 'bout. Shit.

What...?

- Yeah.
- Nigga, what the fuck is this?

Come on, man, you know
I dabble in construction

from time to time.
Come on, you got to eat!

Nigga, this ain't no restaurant!

You coming or not? Come on!

Here we go.

Zaxby's!

Nigga, these your leftovers?

No! I mean, I did eat the
chicken wings. And the sauce.

And part of that bread. But them
chicken tenders right there,

that's all you, my man.

Take me back to the shop, now,
'cause I swear,

you keep playing with me, Bibby,

and I'ma fuck you up, all right?

Listen. You the one
said you was hungry.

I was just trying
to help you out,

but we can go back to the shop.

Thank you. Let's go, man.

Hey, yo, just help me
get this lumber

- in the back of my truck...
- Man, fuck that, man!

Finish my hair!

Man, help me get this lumber.
I promise,

the faster we do this,
the faster I can cut your hair.

I'm taking you right back to
the shop after this, I promise.

Just help me load this up.
I promise!

Fuck, man!

Nigga, three?
You better pick up five.

- Use your back, too, bitch.
- I don't have that many muscles.

Come on, man.

Perfect. Just got
one more bundle, my man.

Shit!

Hey, yo, Al, let's go, man.

What do you think you're doing?
You stealing my lumber?

- What the... What are you...
- Hey, ma'am, calm...

What the hell do you think
you're doing on my property?

- Ma'am, calm down.
- You're trespassing.

I know, ma'am.
Just calm down. Listen.

No, I will not calm down.
Who the hell are you?

Listen, I work
for the contractors

that's building
the house, right?

I loaned ya'll this lumber
as collateral.

And then ain't nobody paid us...
I'm calling the cops.

- Bibby.
- Don't call the... Listen.

All that ain't necessary, ma'am.

I had to reconfiscate this wood

'cause ain't nobody
paid me my money.

So, you should speak
to your husband,

so we can get paid.

I will call my husband,
and then the police.

Well, do it then, beige lady!
Call 'em!

Hey! You son of a bitch.

We're gonna sue you!

Sue! But you need to talk
to your husband,

'cause we ain't had
no contracts, 'cause he cheap.

That's my wood!

Hey. You don't think
she called the police, do you?

I'm still on probation, nigga,
so I hope the fuck not.

Nah, she ain't call 'em.
We all right. It's all good.

Do I even have to say it, Bibby?

We should probably... -Should
probably head back to the shop.

Just head on back to the shop, yeah.
Right? That's right.

I'ma take you right on back,
get you cut up real quick.

I got you, Paper Boi.

- Hell no!
- What the...?

Bibby, goddamn it, man!
What are you doing?!

- It's all good. It's all good.
- Fucking toothpicks, man. Shit!

How you gonna do that when
I got no seat belt on, nigga?

My bad. You should wear
your seat belt at all times.

Yeah, no shit.
Why is your shit...?

- Yeah, that's the only thing.
- Man, Bibby...

Fuck it.

Yeah, that one don't work good.

Shit.

Lamar!

Look, Pops...

Hey, tell me
they just kidnapped you.

I know good and goddamn well
you ain't out here

skipping school again.

Tell me you're not skipping
school again.

- I'm sorry, Pops!
- Nah, don't be sorry.

- Shit.
- Don't be sorry now.

You think I work hard
at these three jobs

so you can walk around town with
your little nigglet friends,

skipping school all day?

I work hard, man.

But y'all think y'all grown,
don't you?

Well, since y'all grown,
please tell me you put up

the street team posters
I gave you today.

Man, we put up a couple.

- I beg your pardon?
- We put up a couple!

- Come again, say what?
- We put up a couple!

Give them to me.
Give them to me.

Man, y'all barely made a dent!

You had one thing to do today.

We ain't gonna never
get this $35 now.

And I trusted you
to do this for me.

You little niggas
ain't shit, man.

That's all right, though.

'Cause I got somebody here
for you, matter of fact.

Hey, yo, Alfred!

The hell you want, Bibby?

Hey! Come inspire the youth!

- Man, I ain't in this!
- Alfred, this is my son.

Yo, is thatis that Paper Boi?

Yeah, that's right.
That is Paper Boi.

And I brought him up here
to inspire y'all,

since y'all don't listen to me.

Hey, yo!
How come you don't look fresh?

- Excuse me?
- You don't look fresh or famous.

YYour hair is raggedy as shit.
Damn!

You out here looking
like a Super Saiyan.

Your hair is fucked up, man.

Like, damn. Shit.

What the fuck did you do
to his hair, yo?

Lamar. Not right now. Not right now.
Pops. Pops.

Not right now.

You know why
it's fucked up? Hey.

You know why it's fucked up?

'Cause your crazyass daddy
was supposed

to cut my damn hair, a'ight?

And what the hell
it matter anyway, nigga?

I'm a regularass person.

I need to get
my hair cut sometimes.

Famous people need to eat
and shit

and brush their goddamn teeth!

I'm regular, bruh, all right?

Yo, so, um... can you put me on?

What?

I got a fire mixtape.

I'm like Lonzo Ball.

It's actually pretty good.

I'm done, man. Yup.

I'm done, bruh. That's it.

We done!

We done.
I'm going back to the shop,

cut his hair 'cause that's
what grown people do...

Yo, Lamar! Man, get your ass
in the car.

- Come over here.
- Bibby, let's go, man!

We... Come on, let's go.

Take y'all asses to school!

- Pops, I said I was sorry.
- What? Hey! My man,

you don't have to be
sorry to me at all.

You can save that.
I don't care at all.

Hey, you got to explain that
to your mama.

- Please do not tell Mama. God!
- Don't tell your mama?

Well, I'm calling her right now.

She got to know.
Shit, she the one wanted you.

- Bibby...
- Do you have minutes? -What?

I know. The kids these days, right?
The road, man...

- The road, Bibby.
- I got this. Yeah. See?

- Now you got Paper Boi mad.
- Bibby, the road, man.

- Why don't you go straight?
- Yeah. I got this!

Nigga, if you kill me,
I swear to God,

- I'ma fuck you up, boy.
- It's all good. I got this.

That's it.
Him asking me for favors,

you know what I'm talking about?

- Can you watch the road?
- These kids these days.

I ask you for favors
all the time.

You don't know nothing
about nothing!

Shit.

"Son, can you take
the trash out?"

Bibby.

- The road, bruh.
- II'm fine.

Damn. "Son, could you please
stop skipping school?" -Bibby.

"Son, could you not jack off
with my good lotion?" -Bibby.

Really? Right in front of Paper Boi?
That kind.

- Simple. Simple...
- Bibby. Bibby!

- Bibby, man... Fuck!
- Okay. Hey, everybody all right?

- Lamar, you good?
- Nigga, man... -I'm fine.

Man, I got weed
in my fucking pockets, Bibby!

It's okay. Okay. Everybody good.

- Everybody good.
- Get the fuck off me, man.

All right. It's good.
Everything good. Hey, listen.

Hey, y'all,
this what we gonna do.

Hey, hop in the driver's seat
right quick.

- Nigga, what?
- I got warrants, man.

- Hop over here right quick.
- Fuck you, man!

I'm on probation, man!

- Get his ass up here!
- I don't have a license.

It's okay. Hey, it's all good.

- It's all good. We good.
- My God.

We good. We good. Listen, see?

The driver's still good.

They mobile, at least.

Everything fine.
We gonna be all right.

Shit.

- Goddamn it.
- Nah. Nah, fuck that.

What you doing?

What?! Bibby, man!

Get out, skipper.

Damn, with you skipping school.

You know, for the record,
I never wanted you.

Yo, Alfred!

Hey, Al, let's get you
that haircut, baby.

Anybody else pee a little bit
when we had that wreck?

Just me?

Hey, yo, Al, listen.

Hey, sorry about
the hitandrun thing,

but you know
I can't go back to jail, baby.

I just can't do it.
I don't weigh enough.

You know, I'll be somebody
girlfriend immediately in jail.

I don't fuck with no jails.

Just passing by the Atlanta pen
make my boyhymen hurt.

Hello?

Smooth, what's good, baby?

No, baby. I ain't busy.

You should've been called me.
I got that on me right now.

No, I'll bring it to you
right now. Don't be ridiculous.

I'm on my way.
I'll be right over there.

Yeah, I'm on my way.
No big deal.

Hey. I left something
in my truck.

Let's get you that haircut.

All righty.

My man. There you go.

See, no problem. Looking good.

Ready.

My dawg.

Hey, um, you forgot to pay me.

Nigga, you got to be
fucking kidding me.

Nah. You haven't paid me.

You know,
you dragged me out of here,

you ruined my whole goddamn day,

you almost got me in trouble
with the fucking cops,

and then you almost killed me
with your goddamn driving, man.

Ruined?
Nigga, we had a good day today.

I took you to mentor
to some kids. You're welcome.

And then wewe ate
at that white lady house.

And then we hit that Asian lady
from the back,

you know what I'm talking about.

Then we came back up here,
I cut your hair.

I know good and goddamn well
he ain't drop my money.

No tip?

This ain't like the other ones
where, you know,

they just put three random
movies together, like Kazaam

or, you know, Glitter
or Leprechauns in the Hood.

I'm talking about
you need these, cuz.

Hey, my man, Paper Boi!

Good. You right on time, fam.
I ain't know you was coming.

Sit on down.

- Yo, what's up, man?
- What up?

- What we doing today?
- Yeah, man.

Let me get a... temple fade.

How low?

Two?

Or a three?

A tw...

No, man, a...

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH