At Last the 1948 Show (1967–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
(FANFARE PLAYS)
(IN A LOFTY VOICE):
The congregation will now rise and sing
Hymn 264.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(IN AN ANXIOUS VOICE):
Please?
Eighty-four, that's a nice tune.
Hundred and six, you always like that!
Tell you what... two verses of 46
and then you can go home.
One verse?
Oh...
Will somebody please sing something?
(MUSIC: "OKLAHOMA" BY GORDON MACRAE)
# Oklahoma where the wind comes
sweeping down the plain #
# And the wavin' wheat
can sure smell sweet #
(FANFARE PLAYS)
NARRATOR:
Yes, it's At Last The 1948 Show
Introduced as usual
by the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
Hello, everyone.
# Old ones, new ones
Gay ones, blue ones #
# Happy ones, sad ones #
# Good ones and long ones... #
With nails sticking in them.
But first, a sketch.
(CHORD PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
Out! Out! Out!
I'm telling you, if you don't pay
your bill, I'll let you go mad.
Bloody loonies wasting my time
with their stupid...
- Oh, good evening.
- Good evening.
- I was told to come in here.
- Quite right too.
- You haven't been here before, have you?
- No.
- Fine, my name's Dr Gilbert.
- How do you do?
My name's Gibbonposture.
(HE LAUGHS)
Ahem. Er, I'm so sorry.
Now, are you a bed-wetter?
- I'm sorry?
- Are you a bed-wetter?
- Well, not since I was...
- Right.
Well, you sit on the chair,
I'll lie on the couch.
Better safe than sorry.
Now, um...
Are you under the impression that you're
Kenneth Wolstenholme?
I'm sorry?
Do you think that you're
Kenneth Wolstenholme?
- No, of course not.
- Good.
'Cause I've got five of them already
and it's getting a bit tricky
keeping their appointments apart.
Coming in here in their dirty macs,
shouting irrelevant information.
Why Kenneth Wolstenholme?
That's what I want to know.
Still, if you're round
the twist. Now, um...
Name.
- Gibbonposture.
- Oh, yeah.
Possible...
- ...looney.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Now, I want you to tell me
anything on your mind.
Any little problems,
it doesn't matter how personal.
And I want you to feel absolutely
at your ease while you're here
because of course anything you say to me
will be in the strictest confidence.
Ooh, I must tell you about the bloke
who was in here this morning!
Um, what's his name? Tony Sullivan.
He works in the bank round the corner.
You must know him.
He spent his lunch hour
up in that cupboard, you know.
Said the swans were after him.
Oh, dear! He looked a right pothouse.
You know, I've got some photographs of him.
These'll make you laugh.
Oh, no. Wait a moment,
I left them at the golf club. Never mind.
Um...
- Where was I?
- Strictest confidence.
Oh, yeah, yeah and all that.
Right, well, what are the problems then?
Well, it's rather embarrassing to say,
really, I...
- Mm-hm?
- I don't like to tell people
'cause I'm frightened
of them laughing at me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I don't know quite how to put it, but...
- Sometimes, I...
- Good Lord, is that the time?
- No, go on, go on, go on.
- Well...
- It's just that sometimes
- I get this feeling that comes over...
- Carry on!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- But I get this... I don't know...
- Shh!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Blasted woman.
- I'm sorry, what were you saying?
- Well...
Try to relax, strewth!
L-I am trying to, um...
- Well, it's, it's, it's happened...
- (BUZZER SOUNDS)
- Go on, go on.
- Well, it's happened more recently
- when I met girls for the first...
- Yes!
SECRETARY:
Mr Biddlecombe's here, sir
He's in a bit of a state and he's wondering
if you can see him at six.
Certainly not! Tell him to go to hell!
Say I've a good mind to report him
to the police, ugh!
Dirty old man.
I can't stand people like that...
and their grovelling for sympathy.
Ugh! Needs a damn good thrashing.
I'm sorry, I interrupted.
Well, I was saying that now I've started
to meet girls in the course of my business
- and at parties and socially and...
- (PSYCHIATRIST SIGHS)
- Well, I don't like to tell them somehow.
- Come on, come on.
Well, it's not a thing
- you can tell people easily.
- Come on, come on!
- Spit it out! Stop beating about the bush!
- Well, sometimes...
- Sometimes, I think, sometimes...
- Ugh.
They won't tell you, you know. Five
guineas an hour and they won't tell you.
Look, what's the matter? You come in here,
you won't say what's up.
It's all bloody mumbling.
I can't hear a word you're saying!
You're all tensed up like all the
other nuts who come in here!
It's not much fun listening to your type of
looney drivel eight hours a day, you know!
It's so bloody boring for one thing.
Oh, my God, it's so boring.
So will you please tell me once and for all
in God's name, what's the matter with you?
- I think I'm a rabbit.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You stupid looney,
of course you're not a rabbit!
- Pull yourself together!
- I am a rabbit!
Look! Look, if you were a rabbit,
you'd have great long ears, wouldn't you?
They dropped off when I came in!
Look!
You say you're a rabbit once more and
I'll smash your face in! Now what are you?
I'm a... I'm a... I'm a... I'm a dog.
Right, that's better. Here's a bone,
we'll take it from there next week.
- Come on!
- (PATIENT WOOFS)
- (FANFARE PLAYS)
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
Uh, well, here's the model
of the new town centre.
There are one or two points
I'd like to take up with you.
Um, over here where the cemetery was,
we're going to have recreational parkland.
Yes, yes.
Over here, the Staybaker memorial building.
Now, we did discuss the parking apron
out the front there, right?
There's also going to be a parking
enclosure round the back
for a further 200 cars, now, um...
behind the cathedral over here, there,
is the police station.
This will mean a certain amount of road
widening but we did take this into account
when we originally drew up... no, thanks.
When we originally drew up the file.
Now, the memorial
here, I can't remember
what it's for but I know
there is a memorial here.
Um, and um... yes, alright.
What we plan to do is...
(HE GASPS)
- MAN: What's the matter?
- The cathedral... was poisoned!
Nobody move.
I have reason to believe
that this cathedral is poisoned.
Good God! How did you know?
Call it an inspired guess.
Alright, it's an inspired guess.
Thank you. Ha-ha!
- Too late, I see. The cathedral?
- Yes.
- Of course.
- Who are you?
- Your hands clean?
- Yes.
My card.
- Four of clubs?
- Correct.
Now you.
Were you on holiday in Spain this January?
- Yes.
- Very well.
What is the Spanish word for horse?
Caballo.
That's the crossword then.
Right, now what is your profession?
- I'm an architect.
- And yours?
I'm a poisoned-model-cathedral maker. Ooh!
Ha-ha!
You fell for my little trick!
I don't like it though,
it's somehow too simple.
(HE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF)
Stage forward!
So, I'm going to arrest you instead!
Alright, I admit it!
I...
(HE LAUGHS)
It was just a foolish prank!
But you won't take me alive!
Ungh... Ungh...
If only people would realise where these
foolish pranks sometimes end. Goodnight.
("SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(MUSIC: EXTRACT FROM "SWAN LAKE"
BY TCHAIKOVSKY)
Do you realise that during the time
it took me to play that little piece
forty-five babies were born in China?
Now for the Indian babies.
(SHE REPLAYS THE EXTRACT)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(MUSIC: "THEME TO THE AVENGERS"
BY JOHN DANKWORTH)
Come in!
Do you want tea, sir?
Uh, no, no. Not tea today.
I wanted to see you about something else,
come on in.
Er, now, you've been doing the tea here
for years and years.
So it may come as something
of a surprise to you
to hear that I'm the head
of the secret service.
No, sir, it's written on the door.
- Oh, yes. Shh, mum's the word.
- Invisible ink.
Shtum, say nothing.
Now, what I want you to do is that
I want you to do me a little favour.
- Well, what's that, sir?
- I want you to set fire to the Kremlin.
What? In Moscow, sir?
Uh... unless you know of one nearer, yes.
Well, I mean, haven't you got spies
for that sort of thing, sir?
Ah, um, now, how can I answer that? Um...
No.
No. We had lots, you see.
But it does seem that they all tend to be
just a little bit dead.
So, of the only man available,
I've selected you.
Congratulations and well done.
Now, burning down the Kremlin,
well, you'll need one or two things.
There are the cans of paraffin
and the matches, uh...
Ah! Well, I'm sure you'll be able
to buy matches in Moscow.
- Well, I've got some matches, sir.
- What?
Jolly good!
Well done! You know, I think I picked
the right man for the job.
A man with matches.
- Well, jolly good and out you go then.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, uh. There is one thing, sir.
How do I get there?
How do you get there?
Ah! What an awfully good point.
You know, I completely forgot.
I'm most frightfully sorry.
Well, we're going to drop you into Moscow
from a plane.
By parachute?
Uh... no, no.
Uh, but there'll be a trampoline
waiting for you.
Possibly. Now, Moscow...
- Moscow's on the sea.
- No, begging your pardon, sir.
- It's not, sir, no.
- Isn't it?
Oh, well let's have a look
at this map here.
It's a little bit out of date, I'm afraid,
but not to worry.
Now, you leave from there.
Uh, you fly over Gaul
and we drop you just north
of the Holy Roman Empire along here.
Land of the Visigoths, there.
St Petersburg.
Which we now call Moscow.
See? Was on the sea.
- Well, out you go then
and jolly good luck. - Thank you, sir.
Oh! Ah, uh...
Uh, wouldn't I need something like a forged
passport or something, sir?
My goodness, you've done it again!
A passport, of course.
Now, passport would be
in the filing cabinet
filing cabinet, F.
Funny, it's not there.
Try under "P", sir.
- "P"? "P" for what?
- "P" for passport, sir.
- Good thinking.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Funny, there's a rabbit in here.
- Shouldn't be under "P".
- Oh, it's "P, Q & R", sir.
So it is. Anyway...
It's a hare, I'll put it under "H".
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Keep the hedgehog company,
now there we are.
There's a passport, name on it
is Dimitri Stephanopoulus. Jolly good lad.
- Well, it's a Greek passport, sir.
- Oh, is it?
So it is. That won't do, will it? Hang on.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Russian passport.
Right, now. Have a look at the photo.
Oh, dear. Screw your face up a bit.
Show your teeth more, good.
Good, and a scar there.
Right, well. There you are.
Off you go then and jolly good... oh!
Almost forgot. Unarmed combat.
Do you know anything about it?
- Well, not really, sir, no.
- Oh, right. Tomkins!
Ah, Tomkins, I want you to show this chap
all about unarmed combat.
- Show him some of the stuff
with the knife. - Right.
Here's the knife. I want you to come at me
as hard as you can. Go on, you know.
- Really hard, see if you can get through.
- Like a bat out of hell.
- Have I got to, sir?
- See if you can get through, go on.
- It's the only way to learn.
- Hard as you like.
(HE GRUNTS)
- Was that alright, sir?
- Absolutely first class, well done.
Bad luck, Tomkins.
Now, equipment.
Let's give you some equipment.
Now, what have we got here? Ah, yes.
Now, do you know what this is?
It's a watch, sir.
Jolly good, well done.
- Do you know how to use one?
- I think so, sir.
Even better, well done.
Now, do you know what this is?
It's the watch again.
So it is.
Now, this watch is shock-proof. Watch.
Knickers!
See? No reaction at all.
There, I'm going to give you this.
- What do you say?
- Thank you.
Good.
Now, here's a pen for writing under curry
and here's a plate of curry
for you to write under.
And, oh! And, uh...
I'd better just give you this.
- What's that for, sir?
- Luck.
Right, well off you go then
and jolly good luck.
- Don't forget the paraffin.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, there is one thing, sir.
- Yes?
What happens if I get killed?
- If you get killed?
- Yes, sir.
Don't worry, Mrs Tomkins can make the tea.
I'm not as cruel as this in real life,
you know.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
- (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
- Next!
It was an accident, sir!
I was playing the ball.
- Now, you're Ernie Grutt.
- Yeah, Tom.
- "Sir"!
- Sir.
Now, as chairman of this club,
I've called you here
because of your behaviour
in last Saturday's match.
- I was playing the ball, sir.
- Quiet, Grutt.
Now, the referee's report says
that you tripped Harry Lumpett
kicked him on the side of the knee,
trod on his face and spat at him.
I was playing the ball, sir.
This was before the match
had started, Grutt!
It was unintentional, sir. I deeply regret
that my hot-headed actions
should have given cause for grievance.
Actions, Grutt. Actions!
When the referee came up to caution you,
you made certain suggestions
to him with regard to his whistle
which would not only have been painful
but also quite unseemly
in front of 78,000 spectators!
- Some of them women.
- It was a joke, sir.
The referee misinterpreted it, didn't he?
Did he also misinterpret your actions
when he said he saw you butting the
Reverend Albert Firkinshaw in the throat?
The reverend who? Where was he playing?
- I don't remember him, sir.
- He was in the crowd!
Oh, him! Oh, he provoked me,
didn't he, sir?
- Bottle throwing.
- He was throwing bottles?
Well, no, sir, I was,
and he threw one back.
You were throwing bottles at the crowd?
It's up to the players to do something
about hooliganism on the terraces.
- I deeply regret that...
- Quiet, Grutt!
- It was only...
- Quiet!
- I was playing...
- Quiet!
Now, immediately after
our team's first goal
there was an incident involving you
and your centre forward.
I was congratulating him, sir.
We're prepared to allow kissing, Grutt,
but that's as far as it goes.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I got excited, sir, didn't I?
Obviously! Obviously!
We've seen the television recording.
It's the first time the Sportsview studios
have been raided by the police.
The film also shows the tackle you made
two minutes later on Ted Buzzard.
- I was going for the ball, sir.
- You were not, Grutt.
We've only been able
to watch the film twice.
The second time, the rest of this committee
had nervous breakdowns.
I'm the survivor.
I didn't mean it, sir,
I was playing the ball.
It was more like a bloody war-crime, Grutt!
How did you hide that
hacksaw in your shorts?
I don't... I don't know, sir.
I just don't know how it got in there.
- I s'pose I found it...
- Again! Again, the referee cautioned you
- and then he asked you your name.
- Yeah.
You're not Mary bloody Poppins, are you?
It was a joke, sir, he misheard, sir.
He misheard, see?
He's only got one ear, this referee,
as a result of an accident.
He had two ears at the beginning
of the afternoon, Grutt
and he had two ears
when he came up to caution you.
He fell against me, sir,
just as I was shutting my mouth
and his ear come away
in me teeth, didn't it?
Eh?
- So, he ordered you off.
- Yes, sir.
- And you killed him.
- Oh, no, sir!
No! He committed suicide, didn't he,
by beating his head against my boot?
That's all!
And then you started burying him
in the goalmouth.
I didn't want to hold the game up, sir.
It is not the first time
this has happened, Grutt.
No, sir.
- Football is a game for gentlemen.
- Yes, sir.
It's the game that matters.
What are you gonna do to me, sir?
Give you a bonus, lad, we won.
But next time,
if you're gonna break someone's leg
- make sure you go above the knee...
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Come on, Kincaid, posse's on our tail.
Let's hightail it out of here.
If'n we're quick, we can cut across
Deadman's Valley over there
through Cold Corpse Canyon
across Broken Bone Mountain
through Gallow Tree Gorge
over there to Slaughter Rock.
No, let's go the pretty way!
- High ho, Limp Biscuit!
- (FANFARE PLAYS)
Everybody has songs they like to sing
when they're down in the dumps.
I know I have.
This is a little song I wrote to chase away
old Mr Blues
and it's dedicated to me.
# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
# Oh, I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
All together now, one, two, three...
(ALL SING):
# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
- I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald!
- # I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
# Oh, I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
Oh, that was nice.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(SHOW MUSIC PLAYS)
Thank you, thank you so much.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Thank you. Thank you very much, lovely
to have you with us, super, wonderful.
Super, thank you so much.
Thank you! Thank you!
- (SHOW MUSIC FADES)
- (SHOW MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER)
- Now... thank you!
Thank you, very kind. I've had my build up,
thank you very much.
Welcome and good evening, everybody.
Tonight, I shall be talking
to the Minister of Education
the Right Honourable Harold Bingham
about the future of public schools.
But first, we're going to take a look
at alligator wrestling
snake charming and pearl diving.
Some of which explains this large tank
of water which we have in the studio here.
Well, let's begin by meeting the man
who wrestles with alligators
- Mr Brian Instance.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Welcome, Brian.
Very nice to see you, will you take a seat?
Super. Now, Brian, super. Now, the thing
is, what I'm basically driving at is
uh, how long have you been doing
this wrestling?
- Oh, about ten years now.
- Ten years.
Super, now, what I mean, what I mean is...
now, the thing is,
what I'm really actually driving at is
how did it all start?
Oh, well, I've always been
a bit of a wrestler
and then when I was 17,
our family moved to Gatwick.
What I've been, uh, what I'm really...
I s'pose what I'm really, what I mean, what
the thing is, basically, uh, basically...
Are there many alligators
- in Gatwick then?
- I'm sorry?
Are there many alligators actually
in Gatwick?
Alligators? There's no
alligators in Gatwick.
I see, uh...
- So, uh, oh, I see.
- BRIAN: No!
Well, how, how did this...
How, how did this all start then
when you, when you got to Gatwick?
Oh, well, you see,
we used to live close to the aerodrome
so I used to be able
to get along there most afternoons.
To wrestle the alligators, yes.
No, the aviators!
- I beg your pardon?
- The aviators at the aerodrome.
I thought you wrestled alligators.
No, no, aviators.
I said quite clearly on the phone.
- Oh, I see, uh...
- I've got an aviator here.
Oh, super. Wonderful.
Lovely to have you on the programme.
- Um...
- No alligators at all!
And so you'll be doing the wrestling now.
I'll tell you what, super.
We've got this large tank of water.
How about wrestling in the tank?
- In the water?
- Super. Can we have the cameras
over on the tank? Lovely, marvellous.
- We don't usually wrestle in water.
- Isn't that fun? Super.
- We don't usually wrestle in the water.
- No, super, wonderful.
- This is television.
- I hope it'll be alright for you.
Lots of people watching, marvellous, super.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- (HOST MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)
- (BELL RINGS)
- MAN: Round one!
(THEY GRUNT)
Well, there we have aviator wrestling.
Not alligator wrestling perhaps
but wrestling nevertheless. Super.
- (WRESTLERS GRUNT)
- And now could we have quiet, please?
- WRESTLER: We haven't finished yet!
- Could we have quiet, please?
Thank you very much.
And now we turn, uh, one in fact...
one of the most sensational of the
traditional Eastern arts is snake charming.
But tonight in the studio,
we've found an Englishman
a Dorset dentist who in his spare time
charms snakes.
Now, I'd like you all to meet
Mr Brian Estuary.
Super, wonderful,
lovely to have you on the programme.
I see you've brought your basket
with you there.
Oh, yes. They're all in there.
- All of them? More than one, is there?
- Oh, yes. Lots and lots of them.
And I charm them with this cornet.
A cornet. I thought, actually, I thought...
actually I thought it was a bit loud,
the cornet.
Oh, no, no, no.
It has to be loud, you see,
otherwise they can't
hear it under the water.
- Under the water?
- Yes, you see
the majority of hake charmers
do use a cornet.
I can understand that, but what...
what charmers?
Hake charmers. Hake fish.
Hake fish, hake. I did say so quite clearly
over the telephone.
- Oh yes.
- Would you like me to put them in the tank
- and start charming them now?
- Oh super, that would be marvellous, yes.
Oh, wizard!
Lovely, could we have you over...?
Could we have the camera round
on the tank, please?
- Oh, we've got some aviator wrestling.
- It's alright, the hake don't mind.
- Oh, good.
- No, no. They like aviators.
- (WRESTLERS GRUNT)
- In you go, my pretties!
Well, we don't need this now.
- (WRESTLERS GRUNT)
- (CORNET PLAYS)
Hake charming, not snake charming perhaps,
but charming nonetheless.
And now we turn...
Can we have quiet, please?
Could we have quiet, please? This is a
prestige programme. Thank you so much.
Thank you. We now turn to the third
of our strange hobbies for this evening.
Pearl diving, and we have in the studio
a Dagenham housewife
who, in her spare time, dives for pearls.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Super of you to come.
- Marvellous, thank you, now you are...
- Yes, that is my name.
If I may interrupt you, as I usually do.
If I may say...
Yes, I'm Pearl Diver.
- You are a pearl diver?
- Yes, I am Mrs Pearl Diver.
- Mrs Pearl Diver?
- Yes.
Um, oh, I see, but you, uh...
you do dive for pearls?
Oh, no, no, no.
(SHE LAUGHS)
- No, no, no.
- I was given all these notes
by my researchers and things,
saying that you'd come along and show us
how you can swim underwater
for long periods.
Oh, no. I sing underwater for long periods.
- You sing?
- Yes.
- I said so quite clearly over the phone.
- Underwater?
Yes, shall I show you?
No, please. What about
the duel with the shark?
- Um, that's what's...
- Oh, no. No duel with a shark!
But a duet with Mr Clark.
(HE IMITATES HER VOICE):
"Duet with Mr Clark!"
- Oh, ah, good evening.
- Good evening.
- You must be Mr Clark and not the shark.
- That's right.
Shall we get into the tank, then?
Well, why not? Everybody else is.
Uh, can we have...
Excuse me, can we have the camera
round on the tank?
- (PEARL DIVER SINGS)
- (CORNET PLAYS)
- (ALL SING)
- (CORNET PLAYS)
(THEY CLAMOUR)
I've got one of the hake charmed.
- Do you wanna come and see?
- Will you push off, please?
- Uh, we now turn...
- This charm is beautiful.
- You wanna come and see the hake?
- Now, this is a prestige programme.
Keep quiet! Now, we turn to
the very interesting subject...
- (CORNET PLAYS)
- We're going to meet... Quiet, please!
We're going to meet the man that
everybody's been talking about this week
and the subject of the public schools.
The Minister of Education,
the Right Honourable Harold Bingham.
Good evening, good evening.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- Good evening, Mr Bingham.
Harold. Would you like to take a seat?
- Good God, what's going on?
- It's alright, Minister.
- Would you like to take a seat, please?
- (CORNET PLAYS)
I think I'm losing contact with reality.
Uh, no, Minister, I don't think you are.
He's Mr Clark, not the shark.
I'm the Minister of Education.
Yes, that's marvellous,
I'm terribly pleased.
- Who are you?
- I'm the aviator wrestler from Gatwick.
Really? I'm the Minister of Education.
He's Mr Clark, not a shark.
Now, Minister, what would your...
(HE SINGS):
# I'm the Minister of Education #
- (HOST BABBLES INCOHERENTLY)
# I'm the Minister of Education #
Well, I think I'm going to go in the tank.
No, Minister, the tank isn't for you!
# I'm the Minister of Education #
# I'm the Minister of Education #
# I'm the Minister of Education #
# And I'm jumping in #
I think I'd better go and aske the audience
what they think about all this.
And uh, oh, there's the music
for the end of the programme.
I'm afraid that's all for tonight,
you may not admire this sort of programme
but you must admit
it does make good television.
Goodnight. Oh dear,
there goes my knighthood.
Oh dear, how terrible. Uh, Minister?
Minister, I'd like to talk to you
about such things as becoming a knight.
- Or preferably, you know...
- (HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
I'm very interested
in becoming a life peer.
You see, Minister... No, Minister...
Minister, the thing is,
it's all very well...
- (HOST BABBLES)
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
NARRATOR:
That was a Rediffusion, London production.
(IN A LOFTY VOICE):
The congregation will now rise and sing
Hymn 264.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(IN AN ANXIOUS VOICE):
Please?
Eighty-four, that's a nice tune.
Hundred and six, you always like that!
Tell you what... two verses of 46
and then you can go home.
One verse?
Oh...
Will somebody please sing something?
(MUSIC: "OKLAHOMA" BY GORDON MACRAE)
# Oklahoma where the wind comes
sweeping down the plain #
# And the wavin' wheat
can sure smell sweet #
(FANFARE PLAYS)
NARRATOR:
Yes, it's At Last The 1948 Show
Introduced as usual
by the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
Hello, everyone.
# Old ones, new ones
Gay ones, blue ones #
# Happy ones, sad ones #
# Good ones and long ones... #
With nails sticking in them.
But first, a sketch.
(CHORD PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
Out! Out! Out!
I'm telling you, if you don't pay
your bill, I'll let you go mad.
Bloody loonies wasting my time
with their stupid...
- Oh, good evening.
- Good evening.
- I was told to come in here.
- Quite right too.
- You haven't been here before, have you?
- No.
- Fine, my name's Dr Gilbert.
- How do you do?
My name's Gibbonposture.
(HE LAUGHS)
Ahem. Er, I'm so sorry.
Now, are you a bed-wetter?
- I'm sorry?
- Are you a bed-wetter?
- Well, not since I was...
- Right.
Well, you sit on the chair,
I'll lie on the couch.
Better safe than sorry.
Now, um...
Are you under the impression that you're
Kenneth Wolstenholme?
I'm sorry?
Do you think that you're
Kenneth Wolstenholme?
- No, of course not.
- Good.
'Cause I've got five of them already
and it's getting a bit tricky
keeping their appointments apart.
Coming in here in their dirty macs,
shouting irrelevant information.
Why Kenneth Wolstenholme?
That's what I want to know.
Still, if you're round
the twist. Now, um...
Name.
- Gibbonposture.
- Oh, yeah.
Possible...
- ...looney.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Now, I want you to tell me
anything on your mind.
Any little problems,
it doesn't matter how personal.
And I want you to feel absolutely
at your ease while you're here
because of course anything you say to me
will be in the strictest confidence.
Ooh, I must tell you about the bloke
who was in here this morning!
Um, what's his name? Tony Sullivan.
He works in the bank round the corner.
You must know him.
He spent his lunch hour
up in that cupboard, you know.
Said the swans were after him.
Oh, dear! He looked a right pothouse.
You know, I've got some photographs of him.
These'll make you laugh.
Oh, no. Wait a moment,
I left them at the golf club. Never mind.
Um...
- Where was I?
- Strictest confidence.
Oh, yeah, yeah and all that.
Right, well, what are the problems then?
Well, it's rather embarrassing to say,
really, I...
- Mm-hm?
- I don't like to tell people
'cause I'm frightened
of them laughing at me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I don't know quite how to put it, but...
- Sometimes, I...
- Good Lord, is that the time?
- No, go on, go on, go on.
- Well...
- It's just that sometimes
- I get this feeling that comes over...
- Carry on!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- But I get this... I don't know...
- Shh!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Blasted woman.
- I'm sorry, what were you saying?
- Well...
Try to relax, strewth!
L-I am trying to, um...
- Well, it's, it's, it's happened...
- (BUZZER SOUNDS)
- Go on, go on.
- Well, it's happened more recently
- when I met girls for the first...
- Yes!
SECRETARY:
Mr Biddlecombe's here, sir
He's in a bit of a state and he's wondering
if you can see him at six.
Certainly not! Tell him to go to hell!
Say I've a good mind to report him
to the police, ugh!
Dirty old man.
I can't stand people like that...
and their grovelling for sympathy.
Ugh! Needs a damn good thrashing.
I'm sorry, I interrupted.
Well, I was saying that now I've started
to meet girls in the course of my business
- and at parties and socially and...
- (PSYCHIATRIST SIGHS)
- Well, I don't like to tell them somehow.
- Come on, come on.
Well, it's not a thing
- you can tell people easily.
- Come on, come on!
- Spit it out! Stop beating about the bush!
- Well, sometimes...
- Sometimes, I think, sometimes...
- Ugh.
They won't tell you, you know. Five
guineas an hour and they won't tell you.
Look, what's the matter? You come in here,
you won't say what's up.
It's all bloody mumbling.
I can't hear a word you're saying!
You're all tensed up like all the
other nuts who come in here!
It's not much fun listening to your type of
looney drivel eight hours a day, you know!
It's so bloody boring for one thing.
Oh, my God, it's so boring.
So will you please tell me once and for all
in God's name, what's the matter with you?
- I think I'm a rabbit.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You stupid looney,
of course you're not a rabbit!
- Pull yourself together!
- I am a rabbit!
Look! Look, if you were a rabbit,
you'd have great long ears, wouldn't you?
They dropped off when I came in!
Look!
You say you're a rabbit once more and
I'll smash your face in! Now what are you?
I'm a... I'm a... I'm a... I'm a dog.
Right, that's better. Here's a bone,
we'll take it from there next week.
- Come on!
- (PATIENT WOOFS)
- (FANFARE PLAYS)
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
Uh, well, here's the model
of the new town centre.
There are one or two points
I'd like to take up with you.
Um, over here where the cemetery was,
we're going to have recreational parkland.
Yes, yes.
Over here, the Staybaker memorial building.
Now, we did discuss the parking apron
out the front there, right?
There's also going to be a parking
enclosure round the back
for a further 200 cars, now, um...
behind the cathedral over here, there,
is the police station.
This will mean a certain amount of road
widening but we did take this into account
when we originally drew up... no, thanks.
When we originally drew up the file.
Now, the memorial
here, I can't remember
what it's for but I know
there is a memorial here.
Um, and um... yes, alright.
What we plan to do is...
(HE GASPS)
- MAN: What's the matter?
- The cathedral... was poisoned!
Nobody move.
I have reason to believe
that this cathedral is poisoned.
Good God! How did you know?
Call it an inspired guess.
Alright, it's an inspired guess.
Thank you. Ha-ha!
- Too late, I see. The cathedral?
- Yes.
- Of course.
- Who are you?
- Your hands clean?
- Yes.
My card.
- Four of clubs?
- Correct.
Now you.
Were you on holiday in Spain this January?
- Yes.
- Very well.
What is the Spanish word for horse?
Caballo.
That's the crossword then.
Right, now what is your profession?
- I'm an architect.
- And yours?
I'm a poisoned-model-cathedral maker. Ooh!
Ha-ha!
You fell for my little trick!
I don't like it though,
it's somehow too simple.
(HE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF)
Stage forward!
So, I'm going to arrest you instead!
Alright, I admit it!
I...
(HE LAUGHS)
It was just a foolish prank!
But you won't take me alive!
Ungh... Ungh...
If only people would realise where these
foolish pranks sometimes end. Goodnight.
("SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(MUSIC: EXTRACT FROM "SWAN LAKE"
BY TCHAIKOVSKY)
Do you realise that during the time
it took me to play that little piece
forty-five babies were born in China?
Now for the Indian babies.
(SHE REPLAYS THE EXTRACT)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(MUSIC: "THEME TO THE AVENGERS"
BY JOHN DANKWORTH)
Come in!
Do you want tea, sir?
Uh, no, no. Not tea today.
I wanted to see you about something else,
come on in.
Er, now, you've been doing the tea here
for years and years.
So it may come as something
of a surprise to you
to hear that I'm the head
of the secret service.
No, sir, it's written on the door.
- Oh, yes. Shh, mum's the word.
- Invisible ink.
Shtum, say nothing.
Now, what I want you to do is that
I want you to do me a little favour.
- Well, what's that, sir?
- I want you to set fire to the Kremlin.
What? In Moscow, sir?
Uh... unless you know of one nearer, yes.
Well, I mean, haven't you got spies
for that sort of thing, sir?
Ah, um, now, how can I answer that? Um...
No.
No. We had lots, you see.
But it does seem that they all tend to be
just a little bit dead.
So, of the only man available,
I've selected you.
Congratulations and well done.
Now, burning down the Kremlin,
well, you'll need one or two things.
There are the cans of paraffin
and the matches, uh...
Ah! Well, I'm sure you'll be able
to buy matches in Moscow.
- Well, I've got some matches, sir.
- What?
Jolly good!
Well done! You know, I think I picked
the right man for the job.
A man with matches.
- Well, jolly good and out you go then.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, uh. There is one thing, sir.
How do I get there?
How do you get there?
Ah! What an awfully good point.
You know, I completely forgot.
I'm most frightfully sorry.
Well, we're going to drop you into Moscow
from a plane.
By parachute?
Uh... no, no.
Uh, but there'll be a trampoline
waiting for you.
Possibly. Now, Moscow...
- Moscow's on the sea.
- No, begging your pardon, sir.
- It's not, sir, no.
- Isn't it?
Oh, well let's have a look
at this map here.
It's a little bit out of date, I'm afraid,
but not to worry.
Now, you leave from there.
Uh, you fly over Gaul
and we drop you just north
of the Holy Roman Empire along here.
Land of the Visigoths, there.
St Petersburg.
Which we now call Moscow.
See? Was on the sea.
- Well, out you go then
and jolly good luck. - Thank you, sir.
Oh! Ah, uh...
Uh, wouldn't I need something like a forged
passport or something, sir?
My goodness, you've done it again!
A passport, of course.
Now, passport would be
in the filing cabinet
filing cabinet, F.
Funny, it's not there.
Try under "P", sir.
- "P"? "P" for what?
- "P" for passport, sir.
- Good thinking.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Funny, there's a rabbit in here.
- Shouldn't be under "P".
- Oh, it's "P, Q & R", sir.
So it is. Anyway...
It's a hare, I'll put it under "H".
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Keep the hedgehog company,
now there we are.
There's a passport, name on it
is Dimitri Stephanopoulus. Jolly good lad.
- Well, it's a Greek passport, sir.
- Oh, is it?
So it is. That won't do, will it? Hang on.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Russian passport.
Right, now. Have a look at the photo.
Oh, dear. Screw your face up a bit.
Show your teeth more, good.
Good, and a scar there.
Right, well. There you are.
Off you go then and jolly good... oh!
Almost forgot. Unarmed combat.
Do you know anything about it?
- Well, not really, sir, no.
- Oh, right. Tomkins!
Ah, Tomkins, I want you to show this chap
all about unarmed combat.
- Show him some of the stuff
with the knife. - Right.
Here's the knife. I want you to come at me
as hard as you can. Go on, you know.
- Really hard, see if you can get through.
- Like a bat out of hell.
- Have I got to, sir?
- See if you can get through, go on.
- It's the only way to learn.
- Hard as you like.
(HE GRUNTS)
- Was that alright, sir?
- Absolutely first class, well done.
Bad luck, Tomkins.
Now, equipment.
Let's give you some equipment.
Now, what have we got here? Ah, yes.
Now, do you know what this is?
It's a watch, sir.
Jolly good, well done.
- Do you know how to use one?
- I think so, sir.
Even better, well done.
Now, do you know what this is?
It's the watch again.
So it is.
Now, this watch is shock-proof. Watch.
Knickers!
See? No reaction at all.
There, I'm going to give you this.
- What do you say?
- Thank you.
Good.
Now, here's a pen for writing under curry
and here's a plate of curry
for you to write under.
And, oh! And, uh...
I'd better just give you this.
- What's that for, sir?
- Luck.
Right, well off you go then
and jolly good luck.
- Don't forget the paraffin.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, there is one thing, sir.
- Yes?
What happens if I get killed?
- If you get killed?
- Yes, sir.
Don't worry, Mrs Tomkins can make the tea.
I'm not as cruel as this in real life,
you know.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
- (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
- Next!
It was an accident, sir!
I was playing the ball.
- Now, you're Ernie Grutt.
- Yeah, Tom.
- "Sir"!
- Sir.
Now, as chairman of this club,
I've called you here
because of your behaviour
in last Saturday's match.
- I was playing the ball, sir.
- Quiet, Grutt.
Now, the referee's report says
that you tripped Harry Lumpett
kicked him on the side of the knee,
trod on his face and spat at him.
I was playing the ball, sir.
This was before the match
had started, Grutt!
It was unintentional, sir. I deeply regret
that my hot-headed actions
should have given cause for grievance.
Actions, Grutt. Actions!
When the referee came up to caution you,
you made certain suggestions
to him with regard to his whistle
which would not only have been painful
but also quite unseemly
in front of 78,000 spectators!
- Some of them women.
- It was a joke, sir.
The referee misinterpreted it, didn't he?
Did he also misinterpret your actions
when he said he saw you butting the
Reverend Albert Firkinshaw in the throat?
The reverend who? Where was he playing?
- I don't remember him, sir.
- He was in the crowd!
Oh, him! Oh, he provoked me,
didn't he, sir?
- Bottle throwing.
- He was throwing bottles?
Well, no, sir, I was,
and he threw one back.
You were throwing bottles at the crowd?
It's up to the players to do something
about hooliganism on the terraces.
- I deeply regret that...
- Quiet, Grutt!
- It was only...
- Quiet!
- I was playing...
- Quiet!
Now, immediately after
our team's first goal
there was an incident involving you
and your centre forward.
I was congratulating him, sir.
We're prepared to allow kissing, Grutt,
but that's as far as it goes.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I got excited, sir, didn't I?
Obviously! Obviously!
We've seen the television recording.
It's the first time the Sportsview studios
have been raided by the police.
The film also shows the tackle you made
two minutes later on Ted Buzzard.
- I was going for the ball, sir.
- You were not, Grutt.
We've only been able
to watch the film twice.
The second time, the rest of this committee
had nervous breakdowns.
I'm the survivor.
I didn't mean it, sir,
I was playing the ball.
It was more like a bloody war-crime, Grutt!
How did you hide that
hacksaw in your shorts?
I don't... I don't know, sir.
I just don't know how it got in there.
- I s'pose I found it...
- Again! Again, the referee cautioned you
- and then he asked you your name.
- Yeah.
You're not Mary bloody Poppins, are you?
It was a joke, sir, he misheard, sir.
He misheard, see?
He's only got one ear, this referee,
as a result of an accident.
He had two ears at the beginning
of the afternoon, Grutt
and he had two ears
when he came up to caution you.
He fell against me, sir,
just as I was shutting my mouth
and his ear come away
in me teeth, didn't it?
Eh?
- So, he ordered you off.
- Yes, sir.
- And you killed him.
- Oh, no, sir!
No! He committed suicide, didn't he,
by beating his head against my boot?
That's all!
And then you started burying him
in the goalmouth.
I didn't want to hold the game up, sir.
It is not the first time
this has happened, Grutt.
No, sir.
- Football is a game for gentlemen.
- Yes, sir.
It's the game that matters.
What are you gonna do to me, sir?
Give you a bonus, lad, we won.
But next time,
if you're gonna break someone's leg
- make sure you go above the knee...
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Come on, Kincaid, posse's on our tail.
Let's hightail it out of here.
If'n we're quick, we can cut across
Deadman's Valley over there
through Cold Corpse Canyon
across Broken Bone Mountain
through Gallow Tree Gorge
over there to Slaughter Rock.
No, let's go the pretty way!
- High ho, Limp Biscuit!
- (FANFARE PLAYS)
Everybody has songs they like to sing
when they're down in the dumps.
I know I have.
This is a little song I wrote to chase away
old Mr Blues
and it's dedicated to me.
# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
# Oh, I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
All together now, one, two, three...
(ALL SING):
# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
# I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
- I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald!
- # I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
# Oh, I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald #
Oh, that was nice.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(SHOW MUSIC PLAYS)
Thank you, thank you so much.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Thank you. Thank you very much, lovely
to have you with us, super, wonderful.
Super, thank you so much.
Thank you! Thank you!
- (SHOW MUSIC FADES)
- (SHOW MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER)
- Now... thank you!
Thank you, very kind. I've had my build up,
thank you very much.
Welcome and good evening, everybody.
Tonight, I shall be talking
to the Minister of Education
the Right Honourable Harold Bingham
about the future of public schools.
But first, we're going to take a look
at alligator wrestling
snake charming and pearl diving.
Some of which explains this large tank
of water which we have in the studio here.
Well, let's begin by meeting the man
who wrestles with alligators
- Mr Brian Instance.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Welcome, Brian.
Very nice to see you, will you take a seat?
Super. Now, Brian, super. Now, the thing
is, what I'm basically driving at is
uh, how long have you been doing
this wrestling?
- Oh, about ten years now.
- Ten years.
Super, now, what I mean, what I mean is...
now, the thing is,
what I'm really actually driving at is
how did it all start?
Oh, well, I've always been
a bit of a wrestler
and then when I was 17,
our family moved to Gatwick.
What I've been, uh, what I'm really...
I s'pose what I'm really, what I mean, what
the thing is, basically, uh, basically...
Are there many alligators
- in Gatwick then?
- I'm sorry?
Are there many alligators actually
in Gatwick?
Alligators? There's no
alligators in Gatwick.
I see, uh...
- So, uh, oh, I see.
- BRIAN: No!
Well, how, how did this...
How, how did this all start then
when you, when you got to Gatwick?
Oh, well, you see,
we used to live close to the aerodrome
so I used to be able
to get along there most afternoons.
To wrestle the alligators, yes.
No, the aviators!
- I beg your pardon?
- The aviators at the aerodrome.
I thought you wrestled alligators.
No, no, aviators.
I said quite clearly on the phone.
- Oh, I see, uh...
- I've got an aviator here.
Oh, super. Wonderful.
Lovely to have you on the programme.
- Um...
- No alligators at all!
And so you'll be doing the wrestling now.
I'll tell you what, super.
We've got this large tank of water.
How about wrestling in the tank?
- In the water?
- Super. Can we have the cameras
over on the tank? Lovely, marvellous.
- We don't usually wrestle in water.
- Isn't that fun? Super.
- We don't usually wrestle in the water.
- No, super, wonderful.
- This is television.
- I hope it'll be alright for you.
Lots of people watching, marvellous, super.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- (HOST MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)
- (BELL RINGS)
- MAN: Round one!
(THEY GRUNT)
Well, there we have aviator wrestling.
Not alligator wrestling perhaps
but wrestling nevertheless. Super.
- (WRESTLERS GRUNT)
- And now could we have quiet, please?
- WRESTLER: We haven't finished yet!
- Could we have quiet, please?
Thank you very much.
And now we turn, uh, one in fact...
one of the most sensational of the
traditional Eastern arts is snake charming.
But tonight in the studio,
we've found an Englishman
a Dorset dentist who in his spare time
charms snakes.
Now, I'd like you all to meet
Mr Brian Estuary.
Super, wonderful,
lovely to have you on the programme.
I see you've brought your basket
with you there.
Oh, yes. They're all in there.
- All of them? More than one, is there?
- Oh, yes. Lots and lots of them.
And I charm them with this cornet.
A cornet. I thought, actually, I thought...
actually I thought it was a bit loud,
the cornet.
Oh, no, no, no.
It has to be loud, you see,
otherwise they can't
hear it under the water.
- Under the water?
- Yes, you see
the majority of hake charmers
do use a cornet.
I can understand that, but what...
what charmers?
Hake charmers. Hake fish.
Hake fish, hake. I did say so quite clearly
over the telephone.
- Oh yes.
- Would you like me to put them in the tank
- and start charming them now?
- Oh super, that would be marvellous, yes.
Oh, wizard!
Lovely, could we have you over...?
Could we have the camera round
on the tank, please?
- Oh, we've got some aviator wrestling.
- It's alright, the hake don't mind.
- Oh, good.
- No, no. They like aviators.
- (WRESTLERS GRUNT)
- In you go, my pretties!
Well, we don't need this now.
- (WRESTLERS GRUNT)
- (CORNET PLAYS)
Hake charming, not snake charming perhaps,
but charming nonetheless.
And now we turn...
Can we have quiet, please?
Could we have quiet, please? This is a
prestige programme. Thank you so much.
Thank you. We now turn to the third
of our strange hobbies for this evening.
Pearl diving, and we have in the studio
a Dagenham housewife
who, in her spare time, dives for pearls.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Super of you to come.
- Marvellous, thank you, now you are...
- Yes, that is my name.
If I may interrupt you, as I usually do.
If I may say...
Yes, I'm Pearl Diver.
- You are a pearl diver?
- Yes, I am Mrs Pearl Diver.
- Mrs Pearl Diver?
- Yes.
Um, oh, I see, but you, uh...
you do dive for pearls?
Oh, no, no, no.
(SHE LAUGHS)
- No, no, no.
- I was given all these notes
by my researchers and things,
saying that you'd come along and show us
how you can swim underwater
for long periods.
Oh, no. I sing underwater for long periods.
- You sing?
- Yes.
- I said so quite clearly over the phone.
- Underwater?
Yes, shall I show you?
No, please. What about
the duel with the shark?
- Um, that's what's...
- Oh, no. No duel with a shark!
But a duet with Mr Clark.
(HE IMITATES HER VOICE):
"Duet with Mr Clark!"
- Oh, ah, good evening.
- Good evening.
- You must be Mr Clark and not the shark.
- That's right.
Shall we get into the tank, then?
Well, why not? Everybody else is.
Uh, can we have...
Excuse me, can we have the camera
round on the tank?
- (PEARL DIVER SINGS)
- (CORNET PLAYS)
- (ALL SING)
- (CORNET PLAYS)
(THEY CLAMOUR)
I've got one of the hake charmed.
- Do you wanna come and see?
- Will you push off, please?
- Uh, we now turn...
- This charm is beautiful.
- You wanna come and see the hake?
- Now, this is a prestige programme.
Keep quiet! Now, we turn to
the very interesting subject...
- (CORNET PLAYS)
- We're going to meet... Quiet, please!
We're going to meet the man that
everybody's been talking about this week
and the subject of the public schools.
The Minister of Education,
the Right Honourable Harold Bingham.
Good evening, good evening.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- Good evening, Mr Bingham.
Harold. Would you like to take a seat?
- Good God, what's going on?
- It's alright, Minister.
- Would you like to take a seat, please?
- (CORNET PLAYS)
I think I'm losing contact with reality.
Uh, no, Minister, I don't think you are.
He's Mr Clark, not the shark.
I'm the Minister of Education.
Yes, that's marvellous,
I'm terribly pleased.
- Who are you?
- I'm the aviator wrestler from Gatwick.
Really? I'm the Minister of Education.
He's Mr Clark, not a shark.
Now, Minister, what would your...
(HE SINGS):
# I'm the Minister of Education #
- (HOST BABBLES INCOHERENTLY)
# I'm the Minister of Education #
Well, I think I'm going to go in the tank.
No, Minister, the tank isn't for you!
# I'm the Minister of Education #
# I'm the Minister of Education #
# I'm the Minister of Education #
# And I'm jumping in #
I think I'd better go and aske the audience
what they think about all this.
And uh, oh, there's the music
for the end of the programme.
I'm afraid that's all for tonight,
you may not admire this sort of programme
but you must admit
it does make good television.
Goodnight. Oh dear,
there goes my knighthood.
Oh dear, how terrible. Uh, Minister?
Minister, I'd like to talk to you
about such things as becoming a knight.
- Or preferably, you know...
- (HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
I'm very interested
in becoming a life peer.
You see, Minister... No, Minister...
Minister, the thing is,
it's all very well...
- (HOST BABBLES)
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
NARRATOR:
That was a Rediffusion, London production.