At Last the 1948 Show (1967–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
(FANFARE PLAYS)
(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)
(APPLAUSE)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
NARRATOR:
At Last The 1948 Show
Hello.
I'm the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
Here are a few facts
about the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
She's terribly famous and clever
and she reads lots, and hates spiders.
Well, that's quite enough for now
about the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
Oh, wait a minute, darling.
I'm supposed to introduce the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, the show.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(DRAMATIC CHORD)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Yes?
Mr Viney to see you, sir.
- Thanks. Will you show him in?
- (SHE LAUGHS)
- Ah, come in, squire.
- Hello.
How are you Mr Viney?
Sit down over here,
will you? I'm Dr Volmer.
I'll be with you.
Well, what seems to be the trouble?
Well, I'm having a bit
of pain from my back.
Oh, really? Well, slip your jacket off
and we'll see if we can...
- That's a nice bit of cloth. Handmade?
- Uh, yes.
(DR VOLMER CHUCKLES)
What would you pay
for a suit like this then?
Uh, I think it was about 50 guineas.
Really? I know a chap
who'll make them up here for 30.
I'll give you his address afterwards.
Uh, pulse.
That's a nice watch,
how much did you pay for that?
I think it was about £100.
I can let you have this one for 70.
Look, soft winding, Japanese gold,
three month guarantee.
No thank you, really.
- Twenty nicker?
- No.
Oh, quite, quite, quite.
You've come to see me as a specialist.
There's a relationship of trust.
- Ten quid, and I'm robbing myself.
- Uh... no, no.
Thank you very much, no.
My back...
OK, squire, enough said.
Let's see your back, then.
Hm, yeah, yeah.
I'll tell you what...
l think you've been sitting awkwardly.
- It's your suit, you know.
- My suit?
- Binds you round the back.
- Really?
Yes. Now this tailor I know, a Greek boy,
will make you a lovely suit.
Won't bind you round the back.
Long lapels, three buttons,
slightly flared Italian style, mohair.
Very nice, no back trouble, £30 cash.
Can't say fairer than that now, can I?
Show me a Harley street specialist
who can do that cheaper.
I'll measure you now.
It's no problem.
No, thank you very much, no.
- Forget it, forget it, forget it.
- I have enough suits.
- Thank you very much.
- Forget I said anything.
You came to see me
for medical advice, right?
- Yes, yes.
- Right.
How are you fixed for Cup Final tickets?
- Look...
- No, no, thank you.
South stand, E block, second row
from the front, £7.10 the pair.
- No thank you very much, really.
- Very good seats, you know.
I could get twenty quid if I hung about
outside the ground on the day.
- No, no, please. My back is hurting.
- Your back, your poor back.
- They're padded seats, very comfortable.
- No!
No, no, quite. Right behind the goal.
- No!
- Look, I'm a specialist, you can trust me.
Some of these GPs round here will sell you
seats behind the pillar
you wouldn't be able to see the game.
I wouldn't do that.
- Please, I'm not interested in football!
- Ah!
- My back is very painful.
- Ah, tell me...
- Do you take much exercise?
- Not enough, I'm afraid.
Ah, you should, you see.
Ever thought about taking up golf?
- Well, I... uh... - You see
these clubs? Now, I could let them
- go to you, very reasonable...
- No!
No, thank you very much. No.
- Lovely clubs, but no thank you.
- Perhaps another time.
How about a game of cards?
Find the lady. Very relaxing for the back.
- No, no, my back...
- OK, on the couch then.
- Thank you very much.
- On the couch...
- We'll have a shufty at the back then.
- Right.
Uh, you ever had any, uh...
liver trouble?
- Well, I think I have a little, yes.
- Mm, mm.
Do you, uh... do you drink a lot then?
- Yes, I do a bit.
- Mm, hm.
Want to buy some brandy?
Best Norwegian brandy,
18 pence a bottle.
- I've got a lorry load.
- Uh, no!
Look, you can have the lorry for thirty.
Have to get it resprayed,
change the number plates
schtum, no trouble.
- I got a garage I can...
- No, no thank you.
Twenty-five quid and I'll throw in
medical advice, there.
- Please look at my back! - Your back,
I am, yes, yes, yes, your back.
Yes, well, uh... what you need chiefly,
it's very tense, you see.
What you need is massage.
Now, I know a good masseur
- brunette, big girl...
- No!
- Blonde, I'll show you a photograph.
- No!
Look, I'm not interested in girls!
- Ah!
- No!
- Well give me two nicker for the watch.
- No!
- Ten bob!
- No!
- Give me a pound or I'll hit you!
- No!
- (HE SHRIEKS)
- Get out then! Get out!
Or I'll send the boys round!
I'll have you done up!
I'll have you done up, wasting my time!
No wonder we're all going to America!
(FANFARE PLAYS)
(DRUMROLL)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
AIMI:
Come along, Puss.
Ah!
Only a little way to go,
before we hear the bells of Bow
I know you're weary, but so am I
So on the verdant lawn let's lie
And while away an hour or two
And watch a sketch about a zoo.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS)
Uh, no. I can't manage this morning
and I'm seeing the governors at the zoo
for lunch to discuss buying the new tiger
and I'm seeing the giraffe keeper at three,
so I'll see him at half past.
SECRETARY:
Thank you, sir
Oh, and sir The reptile keeper's outside
to see you.
Oh, I suppose I'd better see him.
Alright bring him in.
- (MEN MUTTER)
- Put it down there.
- Mind the tail.
- There we are, sir.
Valuable snake.
- MAN 1: There we are, sir.
- MAN 2: Alright, sir.
Right.
(DOOR CLOSES)
- Morning, Lotterby.
- (INSIDE SNAKE): Morning, sir. Sorry sir.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Fourth time he's swallowed you
this week, Lotterby.
LOTTERBY:
I know, sir.
And when you're talking to me
take your cap off!
LOTTERBY:
Oh, yes. Sorry, sir.
Sorry, sir.
Well, how did it happen this time?
Usual way, sir. I think he's acquiring
a taste for me, sir.
Look, I'm getting fed up
with this Lotterby.
LOTTERBY:
I don't do it deliberately, sir!
I know you!
You like loafing around in there.
LOTTERBY:
Oh, no sir. I don't, sir!
Gets you out of doing any work,
doesn't it?
- No, sir. That's not true.
- Any time you feel like taking
an afternoon off, you just pop along
to the boa constrictor and climb inside!
LOTTERBY:
Oh, no, sir. No, sir!
Swallowing me, I think,
is a sign of affection, sir.
Shut up, Lotterby.
Well, I'm not letting you get away with it
this time.
LOTTERBY:
What was that, sir?
(HIS VOICE ECHOES): I'm not letting you
get away with it this time!
LOTTERBY: Not so loud sir.
You'll wake him, sir!
I'm not having the boa constrictor
treated as a rest room!
- LOTTERBY: Oh, I'm sorry, sir!
- Sorry is not enough.
It's an expensive business. It costs us £50
every time we operate to get you out.
LOTTERBY:
Sir, couldn't you put a zip on it, sir?
- No!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- LOTTERBY: Or buttons, sir?
- No!
- LOTTERBY: Laces?
- No!
LOTTERBY:
Oh, you, great...
- I saw that, Lotterby.
- LOTTERBY: Oh, no you didn't, sir!
I was counting, sir! Twice this week.
- Two times sir...
- Right, that's it, Lotterby.
That's it. I'm going to teach you a lesson.
We're not going to operate this time.
We're just going to let nature
take its course.
(LOTTERBY SCREAMS):
But that'll take years, sir!
- Good! - Well, it'll be
painful for the snake, sir.
You should have thought of that before you
got in there!
- But what will I eat, sir?
- Second hand mice.
LOTTERBY:
Oh, God!
Alright, you can come and fetch him now.
Go and put him back in the cage.
Oh, sir. I'm sorry sir,
I promise I won't do it again.
- Sorry, sir. Sorry!
- Now, look here, Lotterby.
- Sir?
- If you behave yourself
for a couple of months...
I'll let the snake swallow your wife.
LOTTERBY: Oh, thank you sir.
Bless you, sir.
(LOTTERBY MUMBLES)
I suppose I'm just
an old sentimentalist, really.
Alright, I'll see
the hippopotamus keeper now.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Yes.
Now, look here Simpkins.
I'm getting pretty fed up with this!
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Tonight, I'm appealing...
to you, on behalf of
the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
Please give generously
to the "Make the Lovely Aimi MacDonald
a Rich Lady" fund.
Send your contributions,
however large, to me.
The lovely Aimi MacDonald, London.
And please, don't forget to mark
your envelopes clearly
on the top left-hand corner.
"Lots and lots of money..."
- "...for the lovely Aimi MacDonald".
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Thank you, and good luck.
(APPLAUSE)
- (MAN COUGHS)
- Shh!
- (CHAIR SHUFFLES)
- Shh!
POLICEMAN:
Stop thief!
- (FOOTSTEPS SOUND OUT)
- Stop thief!
- Stop thief!
- (DOOR CLATTERS OPEN)
Shh!
Shh!
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
-'Allo, 'allo, 'allo!
- Shh!
- (FOOTSTEPS CLATTER)
- Shh!
- Excuse me...
- Shh!
- Excuse me...
- Shh!
Shh!
- (CHAIR CLATTERS)
- Shh!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(HE SCREAMS)
Alright, I'll come quietly.
Shh! Quietly.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
(TIM AND JOHN SPEAK
HIGH-PITCHED GIBBERISH)
(THEY LAUGH)
(THEY SPEAK GIBBERISH)
(TIM SPEAKS HIGH PITCHED GIBBERISH)
WAITER:
What was that, sir?
JOHN:
A meaneauaeauhhh!
WAITER:
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
TIM:
Uh... wha dyeha seaah?
- JOHN: I doneneauaa.
- TIM: No, um...
I think yeas foweyn.
JOHN:
Ah, yeas, foweyn.
(TIM SPEAKS HIGH PITCHED GIBBERISH)
WAITER:
I'm sorry, sir.
JOHN:
Parlez voos Franceyah?
- WAITER: What?
- TIM: Garçon!
TIM:
Parlez voos Franceyah?
Are you gentlemen Chinese?
- TIM: Wha heah seeah?
- JOHN: I don neauhh.
TIM:
Way wan a meaneaough!
- WAITER: A menu?
- TIM: No, no, no.
WAITER:
I'll get a menu.
- JOHN: No, no, no.
- TIM: No! Stupid people...
TIM:
No, Waiter.
Way wan a meaneaough!
(THEY SPEAK GIBBERISH)
GRAHAM:
Um...
Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here?
BOTH:
Wha? Wha?
GRAHAM:
Do you mind if I sit here?
TIM:
Uh, wha he sayeh?
JOHN:
I'm frifuy soweah, bu I don understeagh.
GRAHAM:
Oh, um, one moment, um...
(GRAHAM MUTTERS)
(HE CLEARS HIS THROAT)
- (GRAHAM SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
- (THEY SPEAK GIBBERISH)
(FRENCH HORNS BLARE)
AIMI:
Oh!
Look, gravity!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Funny...
looks like a Granny Smith.
Tastes like gravity, though.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- CUSTOMER: Good afternoon.
- ASSISTANT: Good afternoon.
CUSTOMER:
I was passing by your shop
and I noticed that you sell jokes
and novelties and that sort of thing
so I thought I'd buy one or two
to amuse the family
as it were, over the festive season.
ASSISTANT: Certainly, certainly.
Anything for a friend, how are you?
- (SPRING BOINGS)
- Ah, that made you jump, didn't it?
- Hang on, 'ang on.
- It did, a bit.
ASSISTANT: Here we are. Hang on a moment,
this will be worthwhile.
It's worth waiting for. Hang on,
we've got to get it right. Alright?
How about that, then?
CUSTOMER:
What?
ASSISTANT:
The hatchet in me head.
CUSTOMER:
Oh, yes. Is that a joke or a novelty?
ASSISTANT: Well, it's a joke innit?
You say to your wife
"What's wrong with me?".
She says, "I don't know".
You say, "I got a split personality".
- Ha, ha, ha!
- CUSTOMER: Aha.
ASSISTANT: There we go.
That didn't make you
want to laugh,
how about this one, then?
Look, the electrical toilet seat,
give your friends a shock.
- CUSTOMER: No, I don't think so.
- ASSISTANT: Plug it into the mains.
Make the shock as strong as you like.
Burn the flesh, eh? Burn the flesh!
Eh? They won't take that sitting down.
- Zee, zee, zee, zee, zee!
- CUSTOMER: No, I think...
- I think that's a bit too, uh...
- ASSISTANT: Subtle?
Yeah, how about this then?
"Billy the biting telephone" you see.
This'll test your sense of humour, look.
Look at this.
You set this spring here, you see?
When Granny puts it to her ear...
Clip! Bites right in the earhole.
Argh! Guarantee it has to be
removed surgically.
Peals of laughter. Ha, ha!
No, don't go away, plenty more.
Look, luminous warts!
Stick 'em on your face, they light up
in the dark. Frighten the kids.
- CUSTOMER: No thank you, I...
- ASSISTANT: No, no, don't go away.
- We got lots more.
- CUSTOMER: No, I'd like something
a little more, um...
ASSISTANT:
Sadistic? How about this? Look.
The musical bandage.
When you've wounded one of your guests
tie this bandage on, you see?
When the blood gets on it, it plays
selections from The King and I
or Sound of Music,
or Onward Christian Soldiers
as used by the Pope. Ha, ha.
No offence, only a joke.
Right, here we go, then.
Look, loopy lugholes.
- I don't know...
- How do you like the loopy lugholes then?
- Look at them, they're perfect...
- Have you got anything that's...
- not violent?
- What?
Something not violent.
Oh, something crude?
- No!
- Yes, something crude. Look.
Jokey Jock, Jockey Jock.
- What's that?
- Jokey Jock, the talking athletic support.
- No!
- Strap it on, it tells jokes.
Surprise your friends. Mounted merriment.
- No!
- No? You don't laugh easily, do you?
How about this? Look.
"Cheeky Charlie Chocolate".
Give a bit to your friends.
What... what does that do?
- Gives 'em cholera.
- Cholera?
Yes, cholera.
Hey, have you got any pets?
Well, actually, I've got a little budgie.
A budgie, look, look,
"Carole the Caustic Cuttlefish".
- Blind your budgie, no mess.
- No!
No? Alright then, look.
Here's a hatchet for your cat.
Chop its head off, make the kids laugh.
- What's funny about that?
- Well, it's the unexpected, isn't it?
And you've got your pathos with the cat
and the slapstick
and the blood. Very funny.
- But it's just cruel!
- And it's just cruel, right. Yes.
Here we go, then.
Look. "Percy the Poison".
Put it in the water supply,
kill the town, four and nine.
No? No? Giant economy size, ten bob.
- Wipe out Manchester.
- CUSTOMER: No, no! Nothing like that.
ASSISTANT: Oh, good, uh,
how about disguises then?
CUSTOMER:
Oh, disguises that's much more it.
ASSISTANT: I like a gentleman with taste.
Look, look, what about this?
This isn't easy, look, look, look...
How about that? Disguise yourself...
disguise yourself as a
chartered accountant.
- CUSTOMER: Oh, that's very good!
- ASSISTANT: Do you like that?
- CUSTOMER: How about a beard?
- ASSISTANT: A beard, yes.
A beard, "Hairy Herbert".
"Hairy Herbert"?
- CUSTOMER: No, a little bushier.
- ASSISTANT: Bushier? "Fuzzy Fritz"?
- "Fuzzy Fritz". That's the one.
- (CUSTOMER GIGGLES)
- CUSTOMER: Perfect! Absolutely perfect!
- ASSISTANT: Do you like that?
CUSTOMER:
George Harris!
Alias Ladislaw Vole-Wattle...
I arrest you for the murder
of the Luton Girls Choir.
- ASSISTANT: You can't prove it!
- CUSTOMER: Oh, can't I?
(DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS)
- ASSISTANT: Alright.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ASSISTANT: Alright, I admit it,
but you'll never take me alive!
(GUNSHOT)
CUSTOMER:
Don't look, it's not a pretty sight.
GIRL: Is he...
- CUSTOMER: Yes, Mrs Wattis, he is.
GIRL:
Hooray!
CUSTOMER:
So perish all enemies of justice.
(WARBLING SOUND)
- GIRL: Superbadger!
- SUPERBADGER: The same.
- (HE WHOOSHES)
- (DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS)
(TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS)
Good evening.
This is the high spot of the show each week
when a well-known star entertains.
This week it's me.
Next week, it's me, too.
Anyway, tonight I'm going to tell a joke.
Ahem.
There was this man...
and his name was Knickers!
- (SHE GIGGLES)
- The end.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Good evening, and welcome
to the Nagwort Municipal Ballroom
and Rabbi-greasing Institute
in Bogmouth
for the finals of the Gnome-fumbler trophy.
Well, we've had
a really exciting evening so far
with the Archbishop of Reading's
formation
Old Time Horse-Knackering team
taking the group honours.
Well, you've joined us just in time
for the all-comers medley
and so, without further ado
over to the floor.
(1920's STYLE DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
Here we see Sonny Goatsbrain
and Binny Mollusc.
Sonny is an exploding boot mechanic
from Huddersfield.
Binny is wearing a startling creation
in pink tulle
embossed with 18,000 senna pods
which were sewn on by her grandmother
ex-heavyweight wrestling champion,
Baudy Hardacre.
Last year's champions
Wally Armitage-Powerwater
and Doreen Muff-Blaster
run a 24-hour black pudding wash
in Grimsby.
Doreen is wearing a soufflé of
shocking pink, corrugated iron
with matching shoes,
headband and rugby shorts
which, unfortunately, we can't see.
And now over to the judges
for Sonny and Binny's score.
Four point eight.
Four point eight.
Four point eight.
Four point eight.
Which makes a score of...
quite a lot.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Well done, Sonny and Binny.
And now over to the judges
for Wally and Doreen's score.
Four point eight.
Four point eight.
Four point eight...
and four point eight.
Which makes a score of...
quite a lot, too.
So it's a dead heat.
Well done, Wally and Doreen.
Isn't this exciting?
And now for the first time on television,
we're going to have a dance-off.
(MUSIC RESUMES)
Here's an interesting variation.
I don't think we've seen that one before.
(APPLAUSE)
(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)
(APPLAUSE)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
NARRATOR:
At Last The 1948 Show
Hello.
I'm the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
Here are a few facts
about the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
She's terribly famous and clever
and she reads lots, and hates spiders.
Well, that's quite enough for now
about the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
Oh, wait a minute, darling.
I'm supposed to introduce the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, the show.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(DRAMATIC CHORD)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Yes?
Mr Viney to see you, sir.
- Thanks. Will you show him in?
- (SHE LAUGHS)
- Ah, come in, squire.
- Hello.
How are you Mr Viney?
Sit down over here,
will you? I'm Dr Volmer.
I'll be with you.
Well, what seems to be the trouble?
Well, I'm having a bit
of pain from my back.
Oh, really? Well, slip your jacket off
and we'll see if we can...
- That's a nice bit of cloth. Handmade?
- Uh, yes.
(DR VOLMER CHUCKLES)
What would you pay
for a suit like this then?
Uh, I think it was about 50 guineas.
Really? I know a chap
who'll make them up here for 30.
I'll give you his address afterwards.
Uh, pulse.
That's a nice watch,
how much did you pay for that?
I think it was about £100.
I can let you have this one for 70.
Look, soft winding, Japanese gold,
three month guarantee.
No thank you, really.
- Twenty nicker?
- No.
Oh, quite, quite, quite.
You've come to see me as a specialist.
There's a relationship of trust.
- Ten quid, and I'm robbing myself.
- Uh... no, no.
Thank you very much, no.
My back...
OK, squire, enough said.
Let's see your back, then.
Hm, yeah, yeah.
I'll tell you what...
l think you've been sitting awkwardly.
- It's your suit, you know.
- My suit?
- Binds you round the back.
- Really?
Yes. Now this tailor I know, a Greek boy,
will make you a lovely suit.
Won't bind you round the back.
Long lapels, three buttons,
slightly flared Italian style, mohair.
Very nice, no back trouble, £30 cash.
Can't say fairer than that now, can I?
Show me a Harley street specialist
who can do that cheaper.
I'll measure you now.
It's no problem.
No, thank you very much, no.
- Forget it, forget it, forget it.
- I have enough suits.
- Thank you very much.
- Forget I said anything.
You came to see me
for medical advice, right?
- Yes, yes.
- Right.
How are you fixed for Cup Final tickets?
- Look...
- No, no, thank you.
South stand, E block, second row
from the front, £7.10 the pair.
- No thank you very much, really.
- Very good seats, you know.
I could get twenty quid if I hung about
outside the ground on the day.
- No, no, please. My back is hurting.
- Your back, your poor back.
- They're padded seats, very comfortable.
- No!
No, no, quite. Right behind the goal.
- No!
- Look, I'm a specialist, you can trust me.
Some of these GPs round here will sell you
seats behind the pillar
you wouldn't be able to see the game.
I wouldn't do that.
- Please, I'm not interested in football!
- Ah!
- My back is very painful.
- Ah, tell me...
- Do you take much exercise?
- Not enough, I'm afraid.
Ah, you should, you see.
Ever thought about taking up golf?
- Well, I... uh... - You see
these clubs? Now, I could let them
- go to you, very reasonable...
- No!
No, thank you very much. No.
- Lovely clubs, but no thank you.
- Perhaps another time.
How about a game of cards?
Find the lady. Very relaxing for the back.
- No, no, my back...
- OK, on the couch then.
- Thank you very much.
- On the couch...
- We'll have a shufty at the back then.
- Right.
Uh, you ever had any, uh...
liver trouble?
- Well, I think I have a little, yes.
- Mm, mm.
Do you, uh... do you drink a lot then?
- Yes, I do a bit.
- Mm, hm.
Want to buy some brandy?
Best Norwegian brandy,
18 pence a bottle.
- I've got a lorry load.
- Uh, no!
Look, you can have the lorry for thirty.
Have to get it resprayed,
change the number plates
schtum, no trouble.
- I got a garage I can...
- No, no thank you.
Twenty-five quid and I'll throw in
medical advice, there.
- Please look at my back! - Your back,
I am, yes, yes, yes, your back.
Yes, well, uh... what you need chiefly,
it's very tense, you see.
What you need is massage.
Now, I know a good masseur
- brunette, big girl...
- No!
- Blonde, I'll show you a photograph.
- No!
Look, I'm not interested in girls!
- Ah!
- No!
- Well give me two nicker for the watch.
- No!
- Ten bob!
- No!
- Give me a pound or I'll hit you!
- No!
- (HE SHRIEKS)
- Get out then! Get out!
Or I'll send the boys round!
I'll have you done up!
I'll have you done up, wasting my time!
No wonder we're all going to America!
(FANFARE PLAYS)
(DRUMROLL)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
AIMI:
Come along, Puss.
Ah!
Only a little way to go,
before we hear the bells of Bow
I know you're weary, but so am I
So on the verdant lawn let's lie
And while away an hour or two
And watch a sketch about a zoo.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS)
Uh, no. I can't manage this morning
and I'm seeing the governors at the zoo
for lunch to discuss buying the new tiger
and I'm seeing the giraffe keeper at three,
so I'll see him at half past.
SECRETARY:
Thank you, sir
Oh, and sir The reptile keeper's outside
to see you.
Oh, I suppose I'd better see him.
Alright bring him in.
- (MEN MUTTER)
- Put it down there.
- Mind the tail.
- There we are, sir.
Valuable snake.
- MAN 1: There we are, sir.
- MAN 2: Alright, sir.
Right.
(DOOR CLOSES)
- Morning, Lotterby.
- (INSIDE SNAKE): Morning, sir. Sorry sir.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Fourth time he's swallowed you
this week, Lotterby.
LOTTERBY:
I know, sir.
And when you're talking to me
take your cap off!
LOTTERBY:
Oh, yes. Sorry, sir.
Sorry, sir.
Well, how did it happen this time?
Usual way, sir. I think he's acquiring
a taste for me, sir.
Look, I'm getting fed up
with this Lotterby.
LOTTERBY:
I don't do it deliberately, sir!
I know you!
You like loafing around in there.
LOTTERBY:
Oh, no sir. I don't, sir!
Gets you out of doing any work,
doesn't it?
- No, sir. That's not true.
- Any time you feel like taking
an afternoon off, you just pop along
to the boa constrictor and climb inside!
LOTTERBY:
Oh, no, sir. No, sir!
Swallowing me, I think,
is a sign of affection, sir.
Shut up, Lotterby.
Well, I'm not letting you get away with it
this time.
LOTTERBY:
What was that, sir?
(HIS VOICE ECHOES): I'm not letting you
get away with it this time!
LOTTERBY: Not so loud sir.
You'll wake him, sir!
I'm not having the boa constrictor
treated as a rest room!
- LOTTERBY: Oh, I'm sorry, sir!
- Sorry is not enough.
It's an expensive business. It costs us £50
every time we operate to get you out.
LOTTERBY:
Sir, couldn't you put a zip on it, sir?
- No!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- LOTTERBY: Or buttons, sir?
- No!
- LOTTERBY: Laces?
- No!
LOTTERBY:
Oh, you, great...
- I saw that, Lotterby.
- LOTTERBY: Oh, no you didn't, sir!
I was counting, sir! Twice this week.
- Two times sir...
- Right, that's it, Lotterby.
That's it. I'm going to teach you a lesson.
We're not going to operate this time.
We're just going to let nature
take its course.
(LOTTERBY SCREAMS):
But that'll take years, sir!
- Good! - Well, it'll be
painful for the snake, sir.
You should have thought of that before you
got in there!
- But what will I eat, sir?
- Second hand mice.
LOTTERBY:
Oh, God!
Alright, you can come and fetch him now.
Go and put him back in the cage.
Oh, sir. I'm sorry sir,
I promise I won't do it again.
- Sorry, sir. Sorry!
- Now, look here, Lotterby.
- Sir?
- If you behave yourself
for a couple of months...
I'll let the snake swallow your wife.
LOTTERBY: Oh, thank you sir.
Bless you, sir.
(LOTTERBY MUMBLES)
I suppose I'm just
an old sentimentalist, really.
Alright, I'll see
the hippopotamus keeper now.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Yes.
Now, look here Simpkins.
I'm getting pretty fed up with this!
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Tonight, I'm appealing...
to you, on behalf of
the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
Please give generously
to the "Make the Lovely Aimi MacDonald
a Rich Lady" fund.
Send your contributions,
however large, to me.
The lovely Aimi MacDonald, London.
And please, don't forget to mark
your envelopes clearly
on the top left-hand corner.
"Lots and lots of money..."
- "...for the lovely Aimi MacDonald".
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Thank you, and good luck.
(APPLAUSE)
- (MAN COUGHS)
- Shh!
- (CHAIR SHUFFLES)
- Shh!
POLICEMAN:
Stop thief!
- (FOOTSTEPS SOUND OUT)
- Stop thief!
- Stop thief!
- (DOOR CLATTERS OPEN)
Shh!
Shh!
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
-'Allo, 'allo, 'allo!
- Shh!
- (FOOTSTEPS CLATTER)
- Shh!
- Excuse me...
- Shh!
- Excuse me...
- Shh!
Shh!
- (CHAIR CLATTERS)
- Shh!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(HE SCREAMS)
Alright, I'll come quietly.
Shh! Quietly.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
(TIM AND JOHN SPEAK
HIGH-PITCHED GIBBERISH)
(THEY LAUGH)
(THEY SPEAK GIBBERISH)
(TIM SPEAKS HIGH PITCHED GIBBERISH)
WAITER:
What was that, sir?
JOHN:
A meaneauaeauhhh!
WAITER:
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
TIM:
Uh... wha dyeha seaah?
- JOHN: I doneneauaa.
- TIM: No, um...
I think yeas foweyn.
JOHN:
Ah, yeas, foweyn.
(TIM SPEAKS HIGH PITCHED GIBBERISH)
WAITER:
I'm sorry, sir.
JOHN:
Parlez voos Franceyah?
- WAITER: What?
- TIM: Garçon!
TIM:
Parlez voos Franceyah?
Are you gentlemen Chinese?
- TIM: Wha heah seeah?
- JOHN: I don neauhh.
TIM:
Way wan a meaneaough!
- WAITER: A menu?
- TIM: No, no, no.
WAITER:
I'll get a menu.
- JOHN: No, no, no.
- TIM: No! Stupid people...
TIM:
No, Waiter.
Way wan a meaneaough!
(THEY SPEAK GIBBERISH)
GRAHAM:
Um...
Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here?
BOTH:
Wha? Wha?
GRAHAM:
Do you mind if I sit here?
TIM:
Uh, wha he sayeh?
JOHN:
I'm frifuy soweah, bu I don understeagh.
GRAHAM:
Oh, um, one moment, um...
(GRAHAM MUTTERS)
(HE CLEARS HIS THROAT)
- (GRAHAM SPEAKS GIBBERISH)
- (THEY SPEAK GIBBERISH)
(FRENCH HORNS BLARE)
AIMI:
Oh!
Look, gravity!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Funny...
looks like a Granny Smith.
Tastes like gravity, though.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- CUSTOMER: Good afternoon.
- ASSISTANT: Good afternoon.
CUSTOMER:
I was passing by your shop
and I noticed that you sell jokes
and novelties and that sort of thing
so I thought I'd buy one or two
to amuse the family
as it were, over the festive season.
ASSISTANT: Certainly, certainly.
Anything for a friend, how are you?
- (SPRING BOINGS)
- Ah, that made you jump, didn't it?
- Hang on, 'ang on.
- It did, a bit.
ASSISTANT: Here we are. Hang on a moment,
this will be worthwhile.
It's worth waiting for. Hang on,
we've got to get it right. Alright?
How about that, then?
CUSTOMER:
What?
ASSISTANT:
The hatchet in me head.
CUSTOMER:
Oh, yes. Is that a joke or a novelty?
ASSISTANT: Well, it's a joke innit?
You say to your wife
"What's wrong with me?".
She says, "I don't know".
You say, "I got a split personality".
- Ha, ha, ha!
- CUSTOMER: Aha.
ASSISTANT: There we go.
That didn't make you
want to laugh,
how about this one, then?
Look, the electrical toilet seat,
give your friends a shock.
- CUSTOMER: No, I don't think so.
- ASSISTANT: Plug it into the mains.
Make the shock as strong as you like.
Burn the flesh, eh? Burn the flesh!
Eh? They won't take that sitting down.
- Zee, zee, zee, zee, zee!
- CUSTOMER: No, I think...
- I think that's a bit too, uh...
- ASSISTANT: Subtle?
Yeah, how about this then?
"Billy the biting telephone" you see.
This'll test your sense of humour, look.
Look at this.
You set this spring here, you see?
When Granny puts it to her ear...
Clip! Bites right in the earhole.
Argh! Guarantee it has to be
removed surgically.
Peals of laughter. Ha, ha!
No, don't go away, plenty more.
Look, luminous warts!
Stick 'em on your face, they light up
in the dark. Frighten the kids.
- CUSTOMER: No thank you, I...
- ASSISTANT: No, no, don't go away.
- We got lots more.
- CUSTOMER: No, I'd like something
a little more, um...
ASSISTANT:
Sadistic? How about this? Look.
The musical bandage.
When you've wounded one of your guests
tie this bandage on, you see?
When the blood gets on it, it plays
selections from The King and I
or Sound of Music,
or Onward Christian Soldiers
as used by the Pope. Ha, ha.
No offence, only a joke.
Right, here we go, then.
Look, loopy lugholes.
- I don't know...
- How do you like the loopy lugholes then?
- Look at them, they're perfect...
- Have you got anything that's...
- not violent?
- What?
Something not violent.
Oh, something crude?
- No!
- Yes, something crude. Look.
Jokey Jock, Jockey Jock.
- What's that?
- Jokey Jock, the talking athletic support.
- No!
- Strap it on, it tells jokes.
Surprise your friends. Mounted merriment.
- No!
- No? You don't laugh easily, do you?
How about this? Look.
"Cheeky Charlie Chocolate".
Give a bit to your friends.
What... what does that do?
- Gives 'em cholera.
- Cholera?
Yes, cholera.
Hey, have you got any pets?
Well, actually, I've got a little budgie.
A budgie, look, look,
"Carole the Caustic Cuttlefish".
- Blind your budgie, no mess.
- No!
No? Alright then, look.
Here's a hatchet for your cat.
Chop its head off, make the kids laugh.
- What's funny about that?
- Well, it's the unexpected, isn't it?
And you've got your pathos with the cat
and the slapstick
and the blood. Very funny.
- But it's just cruel!
- And it's just cruel, right. Yes.
Here we go, then.
Look. "Percy the Poison".
Put it in the water supply,
kill the town, four and nine.
No? No? Giant economy size, ten bob.
- Wipe out Manchester.
- CUSTOMER: No, no! Nothing like that.
ASSISTANT: Oh, good, uh,
how about disguises then?
CUSTOMER:
Oh, disguises that's much more it.
ASSISTANT: I like a gentleman with taste.
Look, look, what about this?
This isn't easy, look, look, look...
How about that? Disguise yourself...
disguise yourself as a
chartered accountant.
- CUSTOMER: Oh, that's very good!
- ASSISTANT: Do you like that?
- CUSTOMER: How about a beard?
- ASSISTANT: A beard, yes.
A beard, "Hairy Herbert".
"Hairy Herbert"?
- CUSTOMER: No, a little bushier.
- ASSISTANT: Bushier? "Fuzzy Fritz"?
- "Fuzzy Fritz". That's the one.
- (CUSTOMER GIGGLES)
- CUSTOMER: Perfect! Absolutely perfect!
- ASSISTANT: Do you like that?
CUSTOMER:
George Harris!
Alias Ladislaw Vole-Wattle...
I arrest you for the murder
of the Luton Girls Choir.
- ASSISTANT: You can't prove it!
- CUSTOMER: Oh, can't I?
(DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS)
- ASSISTANT: Alright.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
ASSISTANT: Alright, I admit it,
but you'll never take me alive!
(GUNSHOT)
CUSTOMER:
Don't look, it's not a pretty sight.
GIRL: Is he...
- CUSTOMER: Yes, Mrs Wattis, he is.
GIRL:
Hooray!
CUSTOMER:
So perish all enemies of justice.
(WARBLING SOUND)
- GIRL: Superbadger!
- SUPERBADGER: The same.
- (HE WHOOSHES)
- (DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS)
(TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS)
Good evening.
This is the high spot of the show each week
when a well-known star entertains.
This week it's me.
Next week, it's me, too.
Anyway, tonight I'm going to tell a joke.
Ahem.
There was this man...
and his name was Knickers!
- (SHE GIGGLES)
- The end.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Good evening, and welcome
to the Nagwort Municipal Ballroom
and Rabbi-greasing Institute
in Bogmouth
for the finals of the Gnome-fumbler trophy.
Well, we've had
a really exciting evening so far
with the Archbishop of Reading's
formation
Old Time Horse-Knackering team
taking the group honours.
Well, you've joined us just in time
for the all-comers medley
and so, without further ado
over to the floor.
(1920's STYLE DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
Here we see Sonny Goatsbrain
and Binny Mollusc.
Sonny is an exploding boot mechanic
from Huddersfield.
Binny is wearing a startling creation
in pink tulle
embossed with 18,000 senna pods
which were sewn on by her grandmother
ex-heavyweight wrestling champion,
Baudy Hardacre.
Last year's champions
Wally Armitage-Powerwater
and Doreen Muff-Blaster
run a 24-hour black pudding wash
in Grimsby.
Doreen is wearing a soufflé of
shocking pink, corrugated iron
with matching shoes,
headband and rugby shorts
which, unfortunately, we can't see.
And now over to the judges
for Sonny and Binny's score.
Four point eight.
Four point eight.
Four point eight.
Four point eight.
Which makes a score of...
quite a lot.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Well done, Sonny and Binny.
And now over to the judges
for Wally and Doreen's score.
Four point eight.
Four point eight.
Four point eight...
and four point eight.
Which makes a score of...
quite a lot, too.
So it's a dead heat.
Well done, Wally and Doreen.
Isn't this exciting?
And now for the first time on television,
we're going to have a dance-off.
(MUSIC RESUMES)
Here's an interesting variation.
I don't think we've seen that one before.
(APPLAUSE)