At Last the 1948 Show (1967–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
(FANFARE PLAYS)
CAPTAIN ON PA:
This is your captain speaking.
We are now flying over New York.
If you look out of your windows
on the right
you can see the Empire State building.
Would you please fasten
your safety belts
as we're expecting a little turbulence.
(KING KONG ROARS)
(APPLAUSE)
NARRATOR:
At Last The 1948 Show
And introducing your
hostesses for tonight..
- Hello, I'm Aimi MacDonald.
- And I'm Mary Maude.
And I'm Sir Reginald Mousepractice.
No she isn't, she's Christine Rodgers!
- Yes.
- And we're your hostesses for tonight.
And now...
the first item.
(RECORDER MUSIC PLAYS)
Good morning, sir.
Uh, good morning. Can you help me?
Do you have a copy of
"Thirty Days in the Samarkand Desert..."
"...with a Spoon" by A. E. J. Elliot?
Oh, well we haven't got it in stock, sir.
How about, "101 Ways to Start a Monsoon"?
By?
An Indian gentleman
whose name eludes me for the moment.
Well, I don't know the book, sir.
Not to worry, not to worry.
Can you help me with David Copperfield?
- Ah, yes. Dickens.
- Uh, no.
- I beg your pardon?
- No, Edmond Wells.
I think you'll find Charles Dickens wrote
David Copperfield.
Uh, no. Charles Dickens wrote
David Copperfield with two "P"s.
This is "David Coperfield" with one "P",
by Edmond Wells.
- Oh, well in that case we don't have it.
- Ah.
- Um...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Funny, you've got a lot of books here.
- Yes we do have quite a lot of books.
We don't have "David Coperfield"
with one "P" by Edmond Wells.
We only have David Copperfield
with two "P"s by Charles Dickens.
Pity, it's more thorough than the Dickens.
- More thorough?
- Yes, I wonder if it's worth having
- a look through your David Copperfields.
- No, no, I'm quite sure
that all our David Copperfields
have two "P"s.
Oh, well, um...
probably, but the original by Edmond Wells
also had two "P"s.
It was after that that they ran into
copyright difficulties.
No, I'm quite sure that
all our David Copperfields
with two "P"s are by Charles Dickens.
How about Great Expectations?
- Oh yes, we have that.
- That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations".
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Also by Edmond Wells.
Well, in that case, we don't have it.
We don't have anything
by Edmond Wells, actually.
He's not very popular.
Not Nicholas Nickleby?
That's "K-N-I-C-K-E-R", "Knickerlas".
- No.
- Or Christmas Carol with a "Q"?
No, definitely not.
- Sorry to trouble you.
- Not at all.
I wonder if you have a copy
of "Rarnaby Budge"?
No, as I say, we are right out of
Edmond Wells.
Uh, no. Not Edmond Wells,
Charles Dickens.
- Charles Dickens? You mean Barnaby Rudge?
- No, "Rarnaby Budge"
by Charles Dikkens, with two "K"s,
the well-known Dutch author.
No, no, we don't have "Rarnaby Budge"
by Charles Dikkens with two "K"s
the well-known Dutch author,
and perhaps to save time I should add...
right away that we don't have
"Carnaby Fudge" by Darles Chickens
or "Stickwick Stapers" by Miles Pickens
with four "M"s and a silent "Q"
Why don't you try the chemist?
- I have, they sent me here.
- Did they...
I wonder if you have
"The Amazing Adventures
of Captain Gladys
Stoatpamphlet..."
"...and her intrepid Spaniel Stigg Among
the Giant Pygmies of Corsica", volume two.
No, no, we don't have that one.
- Funny, we've got quite a lot
of books here. - Yes, haven't you?
Well, I mustn't keep you standing around
all day, chattering.
- I wonder if you've...
- No, no, we haven't.
- We're closing for lunch now!
- But I thought I saw it over there.
- Where?
- Over there.
- What?
- Olsen's "Standard Book of British Birds".
- Olsen's "Standard Book of British Birds"?
- Yes.
- "O-L-S-E-N"?
- Yes.
- "B-l-R-D-S"?
- Yes.
Yes, well we do have that one.
The expurgated version, of course.
- I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that?
- The expurgated version.
The expurgated version of Olsen's
"Standard Book of British Birds"?
Yes, the one without the Gannet.
The one without the gannet?
Well, they've all got the gannet!
It's a standard British bird, the gannet,
it's in all the books!
Well, I don't like 'em.
- Long nasty beaks they've got.
- (HE STUTTERS)
You can't expect them to produce
a special edition for gannet haters!
Well, I'm sorry, I especially want the one
without the gannet.
Alright!
- Anything else?
- And I'm not too keen on robins.
Right, robins, robins, robins...
No gannets, no robins. There's your book!
I can't buy that, it's torn!
It's torn. So it is!
- I wonder if you've got...
- Go on ask me another.
We've got lots of books here.
This is a bookshop, you know.
How about "Biggles Combs His Hair"?
No, no, no, we don't have that one, no.
Funny, try me again.
Have you got "Ethel the Aardvark
Goes Quantity Surveying"?
No, no, no, we haven't...
which one?
"Ethel the Aardvark
Goes Quantity Surveying".
Ethel the Aardvark?
I've seen it! We've got it!
We've got it somewhere!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Yes! Here! Here! "Ethel the Aardvark
Goes Quantity Surveying".
There!
Now, buy it!
- I haven't got enough money on me.
- I'll take a deposit.
- I haven't got any money on me.
- I'll take a cheque.
- I haven't got a cheque book.
- It's alright, I have a blank one.
- I don't have a bank account.
- Right!
I'll buy it for you!
There we are, there's your change.
That's for the taxi on the way home.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
- What? What? What?
I can't read.
- You can't read?
- No.
Right, sit!
"Ethel the Aardvark was trotting down
the lane one lovely summer day..."
"...trottity, trottity trot!
When she saw a quantity surveyor."
- I'm not comfortable!
- (APPLAUSE)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
So much for "Ethel the Aardvark
Goes Quantity Surveying".
That was fun, wasn't it?
Yes.
And now...
the next item.
(MUSIC: "DEVIL'S GALLOP"
BY CHARLES WILLIAMS)
(GUNSHOTS)
Some people don't realise
that it can be quite dangerous
being a chartered accountant.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE GIGGLES)
(HE COUGHS)
He seems terribly depressed, doctor.
He won't eat anything and he absolutely
refuses to let me take his temperature.
- Has anyone come to see him?
- No, that's just the trouble.
Ah, well in that case,
we'd better put him onto
the automatic hospital visitor
lonely patients for the use of.
Uh, you know how to
operate it, do you nurse?
- Yes, doctor.
- Fine.
(MECHANISM WINDS)
No need to show me
the way, thank you nurse.
I'll find him myself.
Ah, there you are. You old fraud!
Large as life and twice as handsome.
Hello, hello!
Hello, hello!
Hello, hello!
Hello, hello!
Long time, no see.
- Where shall I put these?
- Oh, hang on a minute.
How are you feeling?
- Very much worse, actually.
- Yes, you're looking much better
old chap.
Old chap!
Old chap!
I always said that all you needed
was a good long rest.
Look, I brought you some grapes.
Oh, no!
I've got 18 bunches!
Nice big juicy ones!
No need to thank me.
No, I won't sit down, thank you.
I was wondering if you would
like me to bring you a...
No, no, please. You go on.
Mine wasn't at all interesting, really.
I wasn't saying anything!
How very interesting.
I wasn't telling you anything!
No, no, really. I'm not at all bored.
In fact, I'm enjoying our little chat
very, very much indeed.
Do you want the bedpan?
No!
What are the nurses like then, eh?
Eh? Eh?
I wouldn't know.
I haven't noticed them.
Ha, ha, ha, there can't be much wrong
with you then!
Oh, dear. There goes the bell.
- No it wasn't.
- Are you sure you don't want the bedpan?
No!
Sorry, I didn't realise
I was tiring you out.
- I have enjoyed our little chat.
- Nobody else is leaving.
Yes, I know I'm always the last,
I won't be popular with Sister, will I?
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
- I'll come again and see you soon, grapes.
- Oh, don't go, please.
Is your... nurse... pan feeling better...
grapes... nurses, nurses...
nice big juicy ones.
Grapes... goo... bye...grape.
(HE STUTTERS)
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- Oh, that did me a lot of good.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
Are you bright, hardworking, ambitious,
intelligent and quick-witted
with a good personality
and a smart appearance?
Do you get on well with people and find
that they look on you as a natural leader?
Do you feel that you're being held back
in your present position?
And that with a go-ahead firm,
you could get right to the top?
Cocky little devil, aren't you?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(HARP FLOURISH)
And now...
Well, good morning from the national
sheepdog trials at Tillerton.
We've had a fascinating morning here
watching these truly intelligent dogs
perform complex tasks
guided only by the whistles
of their masters.
Now, I have with me Mr Lee.
- Good morning, Mr Lee.
- Baa!
I mean, good morning.
Mr Lee, I believe you've been
a shepherd now for over 40 years.
Oh, no. No, no, no. I've been
a shepherd now for over 35 years.
Sixty-eight years I've been a shepherd now.
Man and boy. Not in that order, of course.
I was a boy first, man later on.
If you could have your time all over again,
would you still be a shepherd?
Oh, no. No, no.
I'd like to do something interesting.
I'd like to be something interesting
like, uh...
Ooh, like being a shepherd.
- A what?
- Like being a shepherd.
But you are a shepherd.
So I am, lucky old me.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Well, in your life
- you must have trained many sheepdogs.
- Oh, yes.
- How many?
- Oh, well over two.
Over two! Well, well, well, two.
Well how do you train the dogs?
Well, that's very simple. We use a little
kindness and a lot of cruelty.
- Oh, you have to be cruel to the dogs?
- Oh, yes. Very cruel.
Very cruel indeed.
I'm surprised it's allowed.
- Yes.
- Really nasty!
- Yes.
- Shocking!
- Sadistic we are, with them.
- Oh, and the dogs drive the sheep?
The dogs drive the sheep into the pen.
It's known as "filling your pen".
Ha! ha! ha! Shepherd's joke!
Shepherd's joke, that!
Shepherd's joke.
- And how...
- Very funny, too.
Yes. How do they drive the sheep?
You are a nosey old turnip, aren't you?
Well, I tell him, you old dear,
the dogs bark at the sheep
then they crawls up to
them on their bellies
then they nudges them with their noses
then they buries their fangs in 'em.
Oh, oh, and then the dogs, uh...
herd the sheep into the uh, pen.
Ah, sometimes the sheep drive them
into the pen
and then the dogs just sit there
looking embarrassed.
And everyone laughs at them and I laugh
at them too, I think it's very funny.
- My wife, she thinks it's funny.
- Does she really?
- She's got a great sense of humour my
wife. - I'd like to meet her some time.
- Every since her accident.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that!
- Funny woman.
- Yes, how many sheepdogs have you?
T'is a secret. I'm not telling you.
T'is a most holy secret that cannot
and must not be divulged.
Two.
- Oh, you have two dogs!
- Shh!
- You have two dogs.
- Yes.
Where are they now?
Oo-ah, well one of 'em's over,
now where is he?
Ooh-ah, over there by that pile
of dead sheep.
Magnificent brute, treacherous to a fault.
Just has this little weakness for mutton.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Oh.
- Do the dogs kill the sheep?
- Only in fun.
Still, that's better than burying them
in the ground and pulling their heads off.
- It's more humane.
- Yes, well perhaps
you could get your dogs
to give us a demonstration?
Oh, you don't need the dogs for that.
- You just bury the sheep in the ground...
- No, no!
Could you get the dogs...
the dogs to drive the sheep into the pen?
Well, I've only got old Butcher here
at the moment.
- I don't know where Crippen's gone to.
- (HE MOUTHS CRIPPEN)
He must be off after the judges.
He senses they're his natural enemies.
Well, could you just put Butcher through
his paces then?
Alright, well, I'll get him to drive that
sheep into that pen over there. Right.
(HE WHISTLES)
- (SHEEP BLEATS)
- Surely, Mr Lee, he shouldn't be...
Mr Lee, what is he doing?
- (SHEEP WAILS)
- Surely he shouldn't be eating that sheep?
- You shut your mouth!
- Oh, goodness me, how awful.
- Oh, this is embarrassing.
- Stop that you thieving cur!
I'll tear you apart with my bare hands!
Ah, look at that.
Swear he understands every word I say.
Ah!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
What a horrid shepherd.
Still, I expect
he quite likes sheep, really.
I expect so.
(STRING ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYS)
Good evening.
This evening I'm making an appeal to you
on behalf of a large group of people
of which I am a member...
whose active lives have been
severely restricted by a disease
brought on by the social pressures
and the stresses of modern living...
which we call "sleep starvation".
- Now we...
- (HE SNORES LOUDLY)
Good evening.
This evening, I'm making an appeal
- on b...
- (HE SNORES LOUDLY)
...which we call, "sleep starvation".
(WHILE YAWNING):
Now, medical research is expensive...
but it is vitally important
that something is done
to find a cure
for this socially disabling
- affliction.
- (RATTLE CLATTERS)
That is why I'm asking you to give...
and to give generously...
to this deserving cause.
Please send your contributions,
however small...
to this address.
Thank you for listening.
Next week, I shall be making
an appeal on behalf of
those unfortunate people
who suffer from the delusion
of being attacked by bats.
Now these pe...
people are more to be pitied
than laughed at.
The problem is growing every day.
And it's time that something
was done now...
before it is too late.
Until next week then...
goodnight.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Oh, how spooky. I don't like bats.
- I don't like bats.
- I like bats.
Shut up.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)
(HE SHRIEKS)
Good evening Mr Ardish.
Welcome to Luckspear.
Dr Atkins!
Professor Newberg!
Foo Tong!
- MacDonald!
- The same.
- So it was a trap!
- Yes.
Check mate, Mr Ardish.
You have made your last move.
I wouldn't be too sure, MacDonald.
I still have one or two tricks
left up my sleeve.
Kowalski!
Search his sleeves!
Especially up them.
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
I'll teach you to bluff me, Ardish.
Alright, Kowalski go to Moorsmere
fetch the car, and collect the girl.
- Not Susan!
- Yes, Mr Ardish.
Your pretty little Miss Hinter.
You swine!
Argh! Argh!
Argh! Argh!
Argh! Argh!
- What is it Kowalski?
- I can't drive.
You can't drive? Fool! Dolt! Pig!
I'll teach you to drive!
- Thank you, sir.
- And so! I must take my leave of you.
I wouldn't bother to call for help
if I were you, Mr Ardish.
No one can hear you, they're all deaf!
Do you hear me? Deaf!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ground floor, please.
Help!
- Great Scott!
- Ardish, thank God you're safe!
Yes! But Susan!
- Susan, she's...
- (DRAMATIC PAUSE)
- safe.
- Thank God!
- Roger, darling.
- Susan!
Quick, we haven't a moment to lose!
Strout is on his way to Melton,
we must warn the professor!
ALL:
MacDonald!
- Great Scott!
- Quick, the door!
Not so fast!
You won't get away with this MacDonald!
Oh, won't I? This is a gun.
- You won't get away with this MacDonald.
- And it's loaded!
I don't think you'll get away
with this MacDonald.
Shut up you fool! You're all fools!
Do you hear me? Fools!
- What are you?
- ALL: Fools!
Yes, and now you're going to die!
One moment, MacDonald.
Just one thing.
Why did Spengler go to Amsterdam?
Alright.
Look out!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- I'll get the police.
- You are the police!
I'll get more of them.
Spengler went to Amsterdam to tell Petersen
to leave Hamilton's body in Keith's flat
so that Brody would think he was
the Albanian minister.
I see. He was right when he said
he hadn't visited Oxford last Friday?
Yes, but Herman told the Kravits
that the Dutch police suspected him
on several cases of minor larceny
and then he was going
to reveal his identity.
Don't move!
- Who are you?
- Bronski!
- ALL: Who?
- Bronski.
ALL:
Bronski?
You're not with our lot!
Oh, aren't I? Sorry.
- Try the library.
- Oh, thank you.
These cases of larceny had not yet been
proved by the Dutch police.
The library, please.
- I see.
- Argh!
So he told Strauss to contact Brody?
Yes, but when Keith arrived
by accident, argh!
He was forced to lie to Victoria, argh!
And to find Kowalski, argh!
To get him to tell Strauss, argh!
To contact professor Farling, argh!
In Scotland, before inspector Bold
could discover
where Hamilton had hidden
the plastic stoat.
ALL:
Great Scott!
And Strauss contacted
the Japanese antique collector
at the Chinese laundry in Wimpole Street.
Exactly!
So Peterson went over and told Farling
to try to redeliver in Weymouth
before he could discover
that the girl was on a plane.
- Take that!
- Argh!
Hands up!
- ALL: Don't!
- (HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
(HE CONTINUES TO LAUGH MANIACALLY)
(HE CONTINUES TO LAUGH MANIACALLY)
(ALL LAUGH)
Shut up!
Look out!
Alright!
- This is a gun.
- (ALL GASP)
- And it's loaded.
- (ALL GASP)
- And it's a clear night.
- (THEY GASP)
- What's that got to do with it?
- Shut up!
Alright Kowalski, you can come out now.
Quiet!
Kowalski, the door!
(MACHINEGUN FIRE)
Open it, you fool.
(HE QUACKS)
Quack!
Your disguise doesn't fool me, inspector!
You won't get away with this, MacDonald.
Shut up you fool, all of you!
Get against the wall. You too Kowalski,
get against the wall.
You fools! You're all fools!
And now you're going to die!
This whole house is gonna be blown to
smithereens in 30 seconds from now.
And there's a hundred-foot drop
from all the windows
and the doors are locked,
and I've swallowed the key!
(EVIL LAUGH)
ARDISH:
Come on, quick!
- ALL: Cough, cough, cough!
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
I think they're rotten!
I should have had a part
'cause I'm the loveliest!
Still, I know you'd love to see me dance.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
CAPTAIN ON PA:
This is your captain speaking.
We are now flying over New York.
If you look out of your windows
on the right
you can see the Empire State building.
Would you please fasten
your safety belts
as we're expecting a little turbulence.
(KING KONG ROARS)
(APPLAUSE)
NARRATOR:
At Last The 1948 Show
And introducing your
hostesses for tonight..
- Hello, I'm Aimi MacDonald.
- And I'm Mary Maude.
And I'm Sir Reginald Mousepractice.
No she isn't, she's Christine Rodgers!
- Yes.
- And we're your hostesses for tonight.
And now...
the first item.
(RECORDER MUSIC PLAYS)
Good morning, sir.
Uh, good morning. Can you help me?
Do you have a copy of
"Thirty Days in the Samarkand Desert..."
"...with a Spoon" by A. E. J. Elliot?
Oh, well we haven't got it in stock, sir.
How about, "101 Ways to Start a Monsoon"?
By?
An Indian gentleman
whose name eludes me for the moment.
Well, I don't know the book, sir.
Not to worry, not to worry.
Can you help me with David Copperfield?
- Ah, yes. Dickens.
- Uh, no.
- I beg your pardon?
- No, Edmond Wells.
I think you'll find Charles Dickens wrote
David Copperfield.
Uh, no. Charles Dickens wrote
David Copperfield with two "P"s.
This is "David Coperfield" with one "P",
by Edmond Wells.
- Oh, well in that case we don't have it.
- Ah.
- Um...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Funny, you've got a lot of books here.
- Yes we do have quite a lot of books.
We don't have "David Coperfield"
with one "P" by Edmond Wells.
We only have David Copperfield
with two "P"s by Charles Dickens.
Pity, it's more thorough than the Dickens.
- More thorough?
- Yes, I wonder if it's worth having
- a look through your David Copperfields.
- No, no, I'm quite sure
that all our David Copperfields
have two "P"s.
Oh, well, um...
probably, but the original by Edmond Wells
also had two "P"s.
It was after that that they ran into
copyright difficulties.
No, I'm quite sure that
all our David Copperfields
with two "P"s are by Charles Dickens.
How about Great Expectations?
- Oh yes, we have that.
- That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations".
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Also by Edmond Wells.
Well, in that case, we don't have it.
We don't have anything
by Edmond Wells, actually.
He's not very popular.
Not Nicholas Nickleby?
That's "K-N-I-C-K-E-R", "Knickerlas".
- No.
- Or Christmas Carol with a "Q"?
No, definitely not.
- Sorry to trouble you.
- Not at all.
I wonder if you have a copy
of "Rarnaby Budge"?
No, as I say, we are right out of
Edmond Wells.
Uh, no. Not Edmond Wells,
Charles Dickens.
- Charles Dickens? You mean Barnaby Rudge?
- No, "Rarnaby Budge"
by Charles Dikkens, with two "K"s,
the well-known Dutch author.
No, no, we don't have "Rarnaby Budge"
by Charles Dikkens with two "K"s
the well-known Dutch author,
and perhaps to save time I should add...
right away that we don't have
"Carnaby Fudge" by Darles Chickens
or "Stickwick Stapers" by Miles Pickens
with four "M"s and a silent "Q"
Why don't you try the chemist?
- I have, they sent me here.
- Did they...
I wonder if you have
"The Amazing Adventures
of Captain Gladys
Stoatpamphlet..."
"...and her intrepid Spaniel Stigg Among
the Giant Pygmies of Corsica", volume two.
No, no, we don't have that one.
- Funny, we've got quite a lot
of books here. - Yes, haven't you?
Well, I mustn't keep you standing around
all day, chattering.
- I wonder if you've...
- No, no, we haven't.
- We're closing for lunch now!
- But I thought I saw it over there.
- Where?
- Over there.
- What?
- Olsen's "Standard Book of British Birds".
- Olsen's "Standard Book of British Birds"?
- Yes.
- "O-L-S-E-N"?
- Yes.
- "B-l-R-D-S"?
- Yes.
Yes, well we do have that one.
The expurgated version, of course.
- I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that?
- The expurgated version.
The expurgated version of Olsen's
"Standard Book of British Birds"?
Yes, the one without the Gannet.
The one without the gannet?
Well, they've all got the gannet!
It's a standard British bird, the gannet,
it's in all the books!
Well, I don't like 'em.
- Long nasty beaks they've got.
- (HE STUTTERS)
You can't expect them to produce
a special edition for gannet haters!
Well, I'm sorry, I especially want the one
without the gannet.
Alright!
- Anything else?
- And I'm not too keen on robins.
Right, robins, robins, robins...
No gannets, no robins. There's your book!
I can't buy that, it's torn!
It's torn. So it is!
- I wonder if you've got...
- Go on ask me another.
We've got lots of books here.
This is a bookshop, you know.
How about "Biggles Combs His Hair"?
No, no, no, we don't have that one, no.
Funny, try me again.
Have you got "Ethel the Aardvark
Goes Quantity Surveying"?
No, no, no, we haven't...
which one?
"Ethel the Aardvark
Goes Quantity Surveying".
Ethel the Aardvark?
I've seen it! We've got it!
We've got it somewhere!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Yes! Here! Here! "Ethel the Aardvark
Goes Quantity Surveying".
There!
Now, buy it!
- I haven't got enough money on me.
- I'll take a deposit.
- I haven't got any money on me.
- I'll take a cheque.
- I haven't got a cheque book.
- It's alright, I have a blank one.
- I don't have a bank account.
- Right!
I'll buy it for you!
There we are, there's your change.
That's for the taxi on the way home.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
- What? What? What?
I can't read.
- You can't read?
- No.
Right, sit!
"Ethel the Aardvark was trotting down
the lane one lovely summer day..."
"...trottity, trottity trot!
When she saw a quantity surveyor."
- I'm not comfortable!
- (APPLAUSE)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
So much for "Ethel the Aardvark
Goes Quantity Surveying".
That was fun, wasn't it?
Yes.
And now...
the next item.
(MUSIC: "DEVIL'S GALLOP"
BY CHARLES WILLIAMS)
(GUNSHOTS)
Some people don't realise
that it can be quite dangerous
being a chartered accountant.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE GIGGLES)
(HE COUGHS)
He seems terribly depressed, doctor.
He won't eat anything and he absolutely
refuses to let me take his temperature.
- Has anyone come to see him?
- No, that's just the trouble.
Ah, well in that case,
we'd better put him onto
the automatic hospital visitor
lonely patients for the use of.
Uh, you know how to
operate it, do you nurse?
- Yes, doctor.
- Fine.
(MECHANISM WINDS)
No need to show me
the way, thank you nurse.
I'll find him myself.
Ah, there you are. You old fraud!
Large as life and twice as handsome.
Hello, hello!
Hello, hello!
Hello, hello!
Hello, hello!
Long time, no see.
- Where shall I put these?
- Oh, hang on a minute.
How are you feeling?
- Very much worse, actually.
- Yes, you're looking much better
old chap.
Old chap!
Old chap!
I always said that all you needed
was a good long rest.
Look, I brought you some grapes.
Oh, no!
I've got 18 bunches!
Nice big juicy ones!
No need to thank me.
No, I won't sit down, thank you.
I was wondering if you would
like me to bring you a...
No, no, please. You go on.
Mine wasn't at all interesting, really.
I wasn't saying anything!
How very interesting.
I wasn't telling you anything!
No, no, really. I'm not at all bored.
In fact, I'm enjoying our little chat
very, very much indeed.
Do you want the bedpan?
No!
What are the nurses like then, eh?
Eh? Eh?
I wouldn't know.
I haven't noticed them.
Ha, ha, ha, there can't be much wrong
with you then!
Oh, dear. There goes the bell.
- No it wasn't.
- Are you sure you don't want the bedpan?
No!
Sorry, I didn't realise
I was tiring you out.
- I have enjoyed our little chat.
- Nobody else is leaving.
Yes, I know I'm always the last,
I won't be popular with Sister, will I?
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
- I'll come again and see you soon, grapes.
- Oh, don't go, please.
Is your... nurse... pan feeling better...
grapes... nurses, nurses...
nice big juicy ones.
Grapes... goo... bye...grape.
(HE STUTTERS)
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- Oh, that did me a lot of good.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
Are you bright, hardworking, ambitious,
intelligent and quick-witted
with a good personality
and a smart appearance?
Do you get on well with people and find
that they look on you as a natural leader?
Do you feel that you're being held back
in your present position?
And that with a go-ahead firm,
you could get right to the top?
Cocky little devil, aren't you?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(HARP FLOURISH)
And now...
Well, good morning from the national
sheepdog trials at Tillerton.
We've had a fascinating morning here
watching these truly intelligent dogs
perform complex tasks
guided only by the whistles
of their masters.
Now, I have with me Mr Lee.
- Good morning, Mr Lee.
- Baa!
I mean, good morning.
Mr Lee, I believe you've been
a shepherd now for over 40 years.
Oh, no. No, no, no. I've been
a shepherd now for over 35 years.
Sixty-eight years I've been a shepherd now.
Man and boy. Not in that order, of course.
I was a boy first, man later on.
If you could have your time all over again,
would you still be a shepherd?
Oh, no. No, no.
I'd like to do something interesting.
I'd like to be something interesting
like, uh...
Ooh, like being a shepherd.
- A what?
- Like being a shepherd.
But you are a shepherd.
So I am, lucky old me.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Well, in your life
- you must have trained many sheepdogs.
- Oh, yes.
- How many?
- Oh, well over two.
Over two! Well, well, well, two.
Well how do you train the dogs?
Well, that's very simple. We use a little
kindness and a lot of cruelty.
- Oh, you have to be cruel to the dogs?
- Oh, yes. Very cruel.
Very cruel indeed.
I'm surprised it's allowed.
- Yes.
- Really nasty!
- Yes.
- Shocking!
- Sadistic we are, with them.
- Oh, and the dogs drive the sheep?
The dogs drive the sheep into the pen.
It's known as "filling your pen".
Ha! ha! ha! Shepherd's joke!
Shepherd's joke, that!
Shepherd's joke.
- And how...
- Very funny, too.
Yes. How do they drive the sheep?
You are a nosey old turnip, aren't you?
Well, I tell him, you old dear,
the dogs bark at the sheep
then they crawls up to
them on their bellies
then they nudges them with their noses
then they buries their fangs in 'em.
Oh, oh, and then the dogs, uh...
herd the sheep into the uh, pen.
Ah, sometimes the sheep drive them
into the pen
and then the dogs just sit there
looking embarrassed.
And everyone laughs at them and I laugh
at them too, I think it's very funny.
- My wife, she thinks it's funny.
- Does she really?
- She's got a great sense of humour my
wife. - I'd like to meet her some time.
- Every since her accident.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that!
- Funny woman.
- Yes, how many sheepdogs have you?
T'is a secret. I'm not telling you.
T'is a most holy secret that cannot
and must not be divulged.
Two.
- Oh, you have two dogs!
- Shh!
- You have two dogs.
- Yes.
Where are they now?
Oo-ah, well one of 'em's over,
now where is he?
Ooh-ah, over there by that pile
of dead sheep.
Magnificent brute, treacherous to a fault.
Just has this little weakness for mutton.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Oh.
- Do the dogs kill the sheep?
- Only in fun.
Still, that's better than burying them
in the ground and pulling their heads off.
- It's more humane.
- Yes, well perhaps
you could get your dogs
to give us a demonstration?
Oh, you don't need the dogs for that.
- You just bury the sheep in the ground...
- No, no!
Could you get the dogs...
the dogs to drive the sheep into the pen?
Well, I've only got old Butcher here
at the moment.
- I don't know where Crippen's gone to.
- (HE MOUTHS CRIPPEN)
He must be off after the judges.
He senses they're his natural enemies.
Well, could you just put Butcher through
his paces then?
Alright, well, I'll get him to drive that
sheep into that pen over there. Right.
(HE WHISTLES)
- (SHEEP BLEATS)
- Surely, Mr Lee, he shouldn't be...
Mr Lee, what is he doing?
- (SHEEP WAILS)
- Surely he shouldn't be eating that sheep?
- You shut your mouth!
- Oh, goodness me, how awful.
- Oh, this is embarrassing.
- Stop that you thieving cur!
I'll tear you apart with my bare hands!
Ah, look at that.
Swear he understands every word I say.
Ah!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
What a horrid shepherd.
Still, I expect
he quite likes sheep, really.
I expect so.
(STRING ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYS)
Good evening.
This evening I'm making an appeal to you
on behalf of a large group of people
of which I am a member...
whose active lives have been
severely restricted by a disease
brought on by the social pressures
and the stresses of modern living...
which we call "sleep starvation".
- Now we...
- (HE SNORES LOUDLY)
Good evening.
This evening, I'm making an appeal
- on b...
- (HE SNORES LOUDLY)
...which we call, "sleep starvation".
(WHILE YAWNING):
Now, medical research is expensive...
but it is vitally important
that something is done
to find a cure
for this socially disabling
- affliction.
- (RATTLE CLATTERS)
That is why I'm asking you to give...
and to give generously...
to this deserving cause.
Please send your contributions,
however small...
to this address.
Thank you for listening.
Next week, I shall be making
an appeal on behalf of
those unfortunate people
who suffer from the delusion
of being attacked by bats.
Now these pe...
people are more to be pitied
than laughed at.
The problem is growing every day.
And it's time that something
was done now...
before it is too late.
Until next week then...
goodnight.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Oh, how spooky. I don't like bats.
- I don't like bats.
- I like bats.
Shut up.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS)
(HE SHRIEKS)
Good evening Mr Ardish.
Welcome to Luckspear.
Dr Atkins!
Professor Newberg!
Foo Tong!
- MacDonald!
- The same.
- So it was a trap!
- Yes.
Check mate, Mr Ardish.
You have made your last move.
I wouldn't be too sure, MacDonald.
I still have one or two tricks
left up my sleeve.
Kowalski!
Search his sleeves!
Especially up them.
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
I'll teach you to bluff me, Ardish.
Alright, Kowalski go to Moorsmere
fetch the car, and collect the girl.
- Not Susan!
- Yes, Mr Ardish.
Your pretty little Miss Hinter.
You swine!
Argh! Argh!
Argh! Argh!
Argh! Argh!
- What is it Kowalski?
- I can't drive.
You can't drive? Fool! Dolt! Pig!
I'll teach you to drive!
- Thank you, sir.
- And so! I must take my leave of you.
I wouldn't bother to call for help
if I were you, Mr Ardish.
No one can hear you, they're all deaf!
Do you hear me? Deaf!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ground floor, please.
Help!
- Great Scott!
- Ardish, thank God you're safe!
Yes! But Susan!
- Susan, she's...
- (DRAMATIC PAUSE)
- safe.
- Thank God!
- Roger, darling.
- Susan!
Quick, we haven't a moment to lose!
Strout is on his way to Melton,
we must warn the professor!
ALL:
MacDonald!
- Great Scott!
- Quick, the door!
Not so fast!
You won't get away with this MacDonald!
Oh, won't I? This is a gun.
- You won't get away with this MacDonald.
- And it's loaded!
I don't think you'll get away
with this MacDonald.
Shut up you fool! You're all fools!
Do you hear me? Fools!
- What are you?
- ALL: Fools!
Yes, and now you're going to die!
One moment, MacDonald.
Just one thing.
Why did Spengler go to Amsterdam?
Alright.
Look out!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- I'll get the police.
- You are the police!
I'll get more of them.
Spengler went to Amsterdam to tell Petersen
to leave Hamilton's body in Keith's flat
so that Brody would think he was
the Albanian minister.
I see. He was right when he said
he hadn't visited Oxford last Friday?
Yes, but Herman told the Kravits
that the Dutch police suspected him
on several cases of minor larceny
and then he was going
to reveal his identity.
Don't move!
- Who are you?
- Bronski!
- ALL: Who?
- Bronski.
ALL:
Bronski?
You're not with our lot!
Oh, aren't I? Sorry.
- Try the library.
- Oh, thank you.
These cases of larceny had not yet been
proved by the Dutch police.
The library, please.
- I see.
- Argh!
So he told Strauss to contact Brody?
Yes, but when Keith arrived
by accident, argh!
He was forced to lie to Victoria, argh!
And to find Kowalski, argh!
To get him to tell Strauss, argh!
To contact professor Farling, argh!
In Scotland, before inspector Bold
could discover
where Hamilton had hidden
the plastic stoat.
ALL:
Great Scott!
And Strauss contacted
the Japanese antique collector
at the Chinese laundry in Wimpole Street.
Exactly!
So Peterson went over and told Farling
to try to redeliver in Weymouth
before he could discover
that the girl was on a plane.
- Take that!
- Argh!
Hands up!
- ALL: Don't!
- (HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
(HE CONTINUES TO LAUGH MANIACALLY)
(HE CONTINUES TO LAUGH MANIACALLY)
(ALL LAUGH)
Shut up!
Look out!
Alright!
- This is a gun.
- (ALL GASP)
- And it's loaded.
- (ALL GASP)
- And it's a clear night.
- (THEY GASP)
- What's that got to do with it?
- Shut up!
Alright Kowalski, you can come out now.
Quiet!
Kowalski, the door!
(MACHINEGUN FIRE)
Open it, you fool.
(HE QUACKS)
Quack!
Your disguise doesn't fool me, inspector!
You won't get away with this, MacDonald.
Shut up you fool, all of you!
Get against the wall. You too Kowalski,
get against the wall.
You fools! You're all fools!
And now you're going to die!
This whole house is gonna be blown to
smithereens in 30 seconds from now.
And there's a hundred-foot drop
from all the windows
and the doors are locked,
and I've swallowed the key!
(EVIL LAUGH)
ARDISH:
Come on, quick!
- ALL: Cough, cough, cough!
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
I think they're rotten!
I should have had a part
'cause I'm the loveliest!
Still, I know you'd love to see me dance.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)