Astrid and Lilly Save the World (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Tontoom - full transcript
Astrid and Lilly open a portal to another dimension and become monster hunters to save humanity.
‐ASTRID: Let's dissect this
monster mo‐fo! [Squelching]
Ugh.
[Exploding innards]
‐LILLY: Oh!
I'm gonna barf.
‐He's so full of the creepy goo.
Oh, God.
[Squelching]
‐Is this it?
It has those fuzzy
swirly thingies.
‐Uh.
Fascinating
extracellular matrix.
[Gentle music]
But I don't think so.
It's supposed to be
more dick‐shaped.
Oh, you know what?
I think "Tontoom"
basically means tongue.
So, yeah, just rip
out his tongue.
‐Just?
‐Here, I'll do it.
[Pulsing energetic music]
I got it!
‐Okay.
‐Ohh.
‐Oh! Ugh.
Oh, look on the bright side:
only nine more of these and
we can close the portal.
‐Oh, great.
Just in time for Formal.
[Chuckling] [Sigh]
[Screaming]
[Energetic music]
♪♪ They can see What
they wanna see ♪♪
♪♪ Don't agree?
Don't agree. ♪♪
♪♪ I'ma keep being
me, keep being me ♪♪
♪♪ I don't care ♪♪
♪♪ They can leave when
they wanna leave ♪♪
♪♪ They can leave ♪♪
‐I feel like Olivia Benson
should be featured more.
Or does she like where she is?
‐Get some friends.
‐Get out of my room!
[Sigh]
‐Oh.
‐Aw, I love that
we're next to Alias.
‐Check it out!
‐Thanks, Moms.
[Gasp] ‐What are you doing?
‐Mom!
Shit, I'm going to be late.
[Astrid and Lilly whooping]
‐Ah, girl, I've been
waiting for this all day!
‐Me too, girl.
‐Ohh!
This song makes me
want to write poetry
in a field of daffodils.
‐This song makes
me want to dry hump
in the back of a pickup
truck at Burger King.
[Laughter]
♪♪ I was on fire for you ♪♪
♪♪ Where did you go? ♪♪
It's true!
Okay, so, to conclude the
research from last night...
‐Yes. ‐Dance clubs are over.
But video arcades are happening.
‐Confirmed. ‐Whoof!
‐Almost here.
‐ASTRID: Time to study
the inner workings
of what cool kids do at night.
‐Ooh.
New Patrol Mission,
commencing now.
[Crickets chirping]
‐Jackpot. ‐You got him?
‐Okay, well, I can't see a thing
but I'm pretty sure I
see an upside down cross.
So hot.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
The subject is in frame!
Hello, Sparrow.
Yeah, that's right, baby,
you stretch that sexy bod.
You gonna take those
itchy pants off for mama?
‐Down, Sparky! ‐Like
you wouldn't hit it.
‐You know I'm saving
myself for my soulmate.
Can we just focus on the
cultural task at hand, please?
‐Okay, okay.
‐Do you see any, like,
movie posters or books?
‐I think I spy an iguana cage...
And, oh,
an SNFU poster?
Maybe we should
give 'em a listen.
‐Yeah, I'll add it to the list.
‐How about bitchface Candace?
‐Not sure.
[Mysterious music]
Her porch light is
on and it never is.
‐What was that? ‐What?
Ooh, weird. Oh, he
dropped something.
‐Who the heck is sneaking
around in her backyard?
[Car unlocks, horn honks]
[Car door closes]
[Engine turns over]
‐That ain't Tate's car.
There's something there.
I'm gonna go get it.
‐Careful! ‐Okay.
[Mischievous music]
‐What? What? What did you get?
Show me.
‐What random dude is
taking pictures of Candace?
‐Whoa.
Hella weird.
‐Okay, I gotta write this down.
‐Okay. ‐Okay.
‐Um...
Icy grey SUV.
‐Mm‐hm, yeah.
‐Crumpled photo
found at the scene.
‐Slouching. ‐Uh‐huh.
‐Adult male.
Six‐two.
Seemed sad.
Thoughtful.
Why was he sneaking around
in Candace's backyard?
‐Candace.
Cheating on sexy boyf, Tate?
["Lovely Little
Frankenstein" by SNFU plays]
‐Huh. ‐Hm.
[Song plays on phone]
‐You really think
us blasting music like this
SNFU stuff is gonna make people
want to hang out with us?
‐Like, I mean, it might?
[Turns off song] I
don't know, Lils.
I thought the whole point
was just to figure out
how to blend in
and not be so "us."
‐But I love us.
‐Just like I love
Sparrow's creamy
translucent skin.
I love us too, Lils.
[Gentle music]
Oh!
I am gonna pull prints
off this tomorrow,
just in case.
‐Good call.
Does this make us creepy?
‐No!
This makes us Olivia Benson.
[Bag crinkling] ‐Mm.
Ah, oh!
Sparrow's first nipple ring.
‐You know, Sparrow's going
to the party tonight.
‐Piper, get out of my room!
‐What party tonight?
‐The party at Tate's.
‐How would you know
this? You're 12.
‐I'm connected.
‐It's a Sunday night!
‐It's what the cool
kids are doing.
[Upbeat music]
‐No!
No.
‐And here we are!
And Sparrow's in there
and I look fly as hell!
‐Hm.
‐And I know there are
some honeys in there
just dying to get a
piece of your jelly.
‐Mm, I don't know.
‐I do know!
[Gentle music]
Let's do this. Let's go.
Oh, my God, we're here,
we're here, we're here.
‐Out on a Sunday.
Rock & roll, ladies!
For you and for you.
‐Thanks, Val!
‐Oh! Are you...?
‐Oh, no, my gosh.
For the millionth
time, I'm not crying.
It's just allergies.
Okay, cool, have fun! Bye!
‐TATE: No, it was crazy.
There was, like,
seven defenders on me.
‐There's Candace and Tate.
They're totally
having sex, right?
You know, I bet his butt
feels like a hard dinner roll.
Or like the curve
of a ripe plum.
Or like two peeled
honeydew melons.
‐What are you staring
at, FatAsstrid?
Let's go, babe.
‐Imma blow that off.
Let's just keep going.
Let's go.
♪♪
I swear to God he
just looked at me.
‐Mm‐hm.
‐Oh, my God. Shut up!
‐It's not my fault my mom
won't let me go to Formal.
‐Since when do you
ever do what she says?
‐I don't. I'm just
trying to keep the peace
so I can get her to let
me go to LA this summer.
‐Mm, so if you stay here
you'd be stuck with me.
‐That's not what I said!
‐Whatever. Why don't
you just leave town?
‐It's like...
‐TATE: I mean, why even stay?
‐...kind of okay here.
You drink your drink?
‐TATE: Go.
‐You're being such an asshole.
‐Well, should we talk to anyone?
‐Why do you guys
keep staring at me?
‐Oh! We, um...
Are you okay?
‐Gross.
‐Can we just go home?
‐Sure, they're officially
killing my Sparrow‐boner.
[Lilly sighs]
‐What're you looking at?
And why are you guys even
here? I didn't invite you.
‐Don't worry about
it. We're outta here.
‐You know, you should
do us all a favor
and get back in that
little weird patrol car
you're always in
and never come out.
That's what you call it, right?
Patrol?
More like Pudge Patrol!
[Laughter]
‐You're a monster!
‐Check out a mirror.
‐Let's go.
I hate that asshole.
I wish he'd just evaporate.
[Crickets chirping]
[Sniffle]
‐Pudge Patrol?
God, I want to die.
How does he even know
we've been patrolling?
‐For all we know,
he's been following us.
Perv!
‐I'm just
so sick
of being treated like we're
sub‐human.
‐Me too.
But you know we're not, right?
We are awesome.
Maybe they're the
subhumans and...
we're the normal ones.
‐He called us...
monsters.
[Trembling inhale]
Are we really that gross?
‐No.
No! Why?
Just because we have a
few extra luscious curves?
And weird,
fun extracurriculars?
No‐no‐no‐no‐no‐no.
I refuse to let
some idiot chodebag
tell us who we are.
He doesn't even know us.
And, what, he gets to
be a total dick to us
because his butt's hard
and he kicks a ball
around a field?
What is that even?
[Sigh] ‐Yeah.
[Both sighing]
‐I think I might know
what'll make us feel better.
[Whoosh] [Mysterious music]
[Lilly laughing]
Let's burn the son‐of‐a‐beast.
‐Whoa!
I'm liking this fury.
‐This crap will
help it burn, right?
‐Probably. [Fire whooshes]
Ohh...
[Giggling]
We want you all
to just disappear!
‐Eff those haters!
We want Tate to just...
evaporate!
‐You're the monsters, not us!
‐Let's dance 'em
out of our bodies!
Get out!
Get!
[Inspirational music]
[Vocalizing]
[Laughing]
‐Oh, and now,
make sea kelp arms!
[Laughing]
‐Now, um,
stare up at the moon and howl!
[Howling]
Oh, my God!
‐Now, we want you
all to evaporate!
‐Say it backwards.
‐Yeah.
‐Etaropave...
Ot...
lla...
Ouy... tnaw...
Yeah!
‐BOTH: Ew!
[Laughing]
[Thunder crashing]
[Echoing voices]
‐Uh, weird.
‐Yeah.
Cool coincidence.
Oh, shit!
Curfew!
‐Go‐go‐go‐go‐go!
‐You have the keys?
‐Yeah! ‐Give me them.
[Giggling]
‐Uh, thanks, pal.
I feel so much better!
‐I know, me too! Okay,
that was so much fun.
‐Love you. Mwah!
[Eerie music]
[Evil laughter]
‐She left my party.
Next she'll leave me.
Stupid Candace.
I'm just gonna be
alone. [Thunder rumbles]
‐TEARJERKER: Tate.
‐Hello?
‐Come closer.
Why don't you join
me at my party?
[Thunder rumbles]
♪♪
[Light airy music]
[Boom] ‐Ouch! Ow.
What the...?
‐NEWS REPORTER:
Local crime stoppers
reported a missing woman,
last seen crying at the
city central bus station.
‐Gross, Mom.
What are you cooking?
‐...please notify
the Copper Cove‐‐
‐If my mom pitches
Gateway to God
one more time, I swear to God...
‐Sorry, girl!
[Thumping] [Feedback]
‐Good morning, Fighting Ferrets!
It's finally here!
The big event you've
all been waiting for...
Midterms!
JK.
The Soccer Formal!
So, without further ado...
I give you Michelle!
[Button clicking] [Feedback]
‐Soccer Formal tix
are offish on sale.
There's a sign‐up
sheet inside the caf.
I will be announcing the
theme later this week
so make sure you
write in a suggestion.
Oh, and make them
good this year,
for once.
‐I know it's kinda cliché, but
I really wanted to
go to the dance.
‐Me too, girl.
Hey, worse comes to worse,
I'll be your date.
‐What? You with moi?
I'd be honored!
[Giggles]
[Feedback]
‐Uh, one more thing, guys.
This is probably nothing,
but the police got a call
from Tate Hudson's father.
Tate appears to be
missing this morning.
If anyone has seen him
today, come to my office!
And you know me: my office
hours are every hour.
‐EGGS: Statistically,
it's nearly impossible
to find a missing
person after 72 hours.
If a person's been missing
for more than seven years,
in some states, they can be
legally declared deceased.
‐Jeez, Eggs.
‐Tate is probably fine.
‐I heard that he left
the party crying.
‐I heard he has a side
piece in the city.
‐Oh, my gosh!
‐You have a safe
and beautiful day,
Fighting Ferrets!
Squeak, squeak!
[Thunder crashing]
‐Ow! Oh!
‐Sorry! Nothing! Sorry.
‐What was that
outburst? Are you okay?
‐Yeah. This is going
to sound crazy,
but every time the
lightning flashes,
I get a spasm in my leg.
‐Tate?
Where the hell are you?
‐You don't think
we did that, right?
‐Ha! I wish we had the power
to make assholes disappear!
[Malevolent music]
[Tate sobbing]
[Tears dripping]
‐I don't need a fashion fund.
I've already got the
hottest new accessory.
My new, favorite
portable Bunsen burner,
Bunny!
All right, everyone, enough fun.
Turn your books to page 20.
‐Oh, my God, what is that smell?
Horseradish?
‐I don't smell
anything. ‐You don't!?
How?
[Brooding music]
‐Yes, Eggs.
‐How come the storm clouds today
don't look like standard
cumulonimbus clouds?
‐It's probably because the
thermal rose so quickly.
[Thunder] ‐Oh!
Oh!
[Camera shutter clicking]
[School bell ringing]
[Bushes rustling]
‐Hey, here are your
photos from last night.
‐Thanks, Jonas.
Oh, and sorry for the stealth
exit through the garden.
‐Another patrol mystery solved!
‐I think we got some good
shots for your portfolio.
And if you need any more copies
anytime just let me know, okay?
‐Yeah, for sure. ‐Yeah.
‐So, are you, uh,
getting back into acting?
I'm telling you:
it was so weird.
I‐I could have sworn I
saw something outside
the window in art class.
I had my camera
and I saw something
like, rustling in the trees.
I don't‐‐ I can't even
explain to you. Like‐‐
‐BRB. Emergency.
[Airy music]
‐Anyways, like I was saying,
I definitely saw rustling
in the trees, though.
‐Or did you fall asleep
watching Twilight Zone again?
‐Gotta get a jump
on the pepperoni
before Pudge Patrol
clears it out.
[Students laughing] [Sigh]
‐Come on, let's get outta here.
Well, I guess we
have a new nickname.
‐Yeah, this one really stings.
‐Screw them.
What do you want to do tonight?
Some light breaking
and entering, perhaps?
[Bathroom door opens]
‐MICHELLE: I hope Tate's okay.
He's obvi my ideal
court king for Formal!
‐So, I have some
goss from my brother
who works at the police station.
I could get in so much
trouble for this‐‐
‐Dish!
Pinky swear I
won't say anything.
You know you're my BFFesty 4L.
‐Well, apparently,
a few officers got called
to Brighton Creek Trail.
They found Tate's school
ID, but no sign of him.
[Ominous music] ‐What?
‐It's like he
evaporated, or something.
‐No.
You're kidding!
‐Oh!
Holy shit, Astrid! Evaporated!
‐Lils, it's a common word;
coincidence!
Speaking of, you gotta stop
with the psychosomatic
guilt yelps.
‐They're not psychosomatic
and they hurt like hell!
You don't feel different at all?
‐No. I mean, the
smell of breakfast
made me extra
nauseated this morning,
but what else is new?
‐What about science
class? Horseradish?
‐ Lils, we didn't do anything.
We burned a Hacky Sack,
danced around the yard
and yelled some stuff
into the universe.
People do it all the time.
‐Can we please check
it out tonight?
For science?
[Mysterious music]
[Thunder cracks]
‐Now, who here pissed off God
and brought these storm clouds?
‐Mom.
‐How was school, sweetie?
What's in the envelope?
Those better not
be the headshots
that I told you not to take.
‐No, it's just homework.
‐I know you wouldn't lie to me.
‐Don't really have a choice.
[Thunder rumbles]
[Unsettling music]
‐THEATER GAL: You
coming back, Val?
‐Yeah, I'll be back to
rehearsals in a moment.
My allergies are
just killing me!
[Crickets chirping]
[Mysterious music]
[Sneezing] [Coughing]
[Unsettling music]
[Tree leaves rustling]
[Sneezing and
coughing continues]
‐TEARJERKER: Hello,
Valerie.
Alone again,
like always.
It's a shame
that your melodramatic
personality
pushes everyone away.
I could drink you
right up, Valerie.
[Moaning]
In fact, I think I will.
[Crying]
[Unsettling music]
‐ASTRID: Whoa.
What exactly are we looking for?
‐LILLY: Not sure. Um...
[Mysterious music]
[Owl hooting in distance]
Oh, I think that flag marks
where Tate's ID was found.
Ouch!
Oh.
Oh, my leg!
[Gasps]
What is this stuff?
‐Uh, like, honestly...
I have no idea.
[Lily groans in pain]
‐It's disgusting.
It's so squishy.
‐Ach! Almost smells like...
burnt pickles.
[Astrid sniffs]
‐Oh, my God, what is happening?
My leg won't stop
freaking out on me.
It's like it's being
drawn to the goo.
Uh, Astrid?
I think I found something!
‐Is that a broken fingernail?
A seven‐inch long
broken fingernail?
‐Looks like it.
Bag it up.
‐Oh, God. [Leaves rustling]
‐Hello?
[Leaves rustling nearby]
‐Aah...
[Foreboding music]
[Panicked breathing]
[Both screaming]
‐B‐b‐ack off, buddy!
Oh, shit.
I'm gonna die at the hands
of a hottie with a body.
‐BRUTUS: Relax, I'm
not going to kill you.
[Scoffs] I'm actually
here to protect you
from the thing that wants to
kill you, so, you're welcome.
‐Wait. What?
‐Who the hell are you
and wh‐what do you mean
that thing that
wants to kill us?
‐Okay, so, I'm Brutus.
Long story short: a portal to
another dimension was opened.
End‐of‐the‐world type
thing: bad guys, monsters...
The sort of thing you
see in the movies.
The thing is that this portal
wasn't just opened by itself.
No, it was opened by...
you.
B‐T‐dubs,
who hurt you, hm?
This portal is no joke.
Only humans with severe
pain can open that portal.
‐We're stuck in the woods
with a crazy mofo who
thinks monsters are real!
Lilly, run!
‐What about that spell you did?
Hm?
‐Oh, I told you!
‐Okay, what spell?
‐Oh, you know, the one
where you were standing
7.263 feet from each other.
The copper, the fir tree bark
and the pièce de résistance
when you were howling your
intense pain at the moon.
"Ahh..."
‐And then we said, "We want you
all to evaporate" backwards!
‐What? No.
No, no ‐ only the
stuff that I said.
‐Wait, why are we
listening to this lunatic?
‐And you really should have
known better than to do it
on the third Sunday of the
ninth month during a pink moon.
Come on...
Since you're the
ones who opened it,
you are also the only
ones who can close it.
Otherwise, humanity sort of...
disappears.
No biggie.
‐This cannot be real.
You cannot be real.
We were just messing around!
It was all fake!
We were just blowing off steam
from the hostile
jerks at school!
‐Yeah, well, the good news
is that your connection
to the portal
is actually increasing
your senses.
The leg cramps,
the weird smells...
That's your powers kicking in.
‐Hey, look, hot guy,
you're dropping an insane amount
of batshit craziness on us.
And why the hell
would we believe you?
‐Because I'm from the
dimension you opened.
I'm your guide.
Your‐your Brutus.
[Laughs] Your, um...
your "Giles," in terms you
humans might understand.
‐Huh. Nice try.
‐Okay.
Proof. I really
hate this part.
Yeah, messes up the whole 'do.
[Sharp nasal exhale]
[Crackling]
I know: not a good look.
‐Nice special effects makeup.
You tell Tate, or
Candace, or whoever
to kiss my fat ass!
We'll never go to one of
their parties again, hm?
They win! Come on,
Lilly, let's go.
This dude is psycho! Come on!
‐Look, I can't make you stay.
Rule number 6795C, but
you really should know:
the thing that has your
friend is called a Tearjerker
and it targets literally
anything that cries,
for any reason at all.
‐We've gotta go. Let's go!
‐And if you happen to be sad AF,
‐then it really wants
you. ‐Come on, Lilly.
It will say to you the deepest,
darkest thing you fear the most.
Oh, and you should really know
your friend only has 26 hours!
‐I'm not listening to a
horny guy in the woods!
[Whimpering and crying]
[Foreboding music]
‐Why can't I stop crying?
‐I don't know.
I can't either.
[Sniffling and sobbing]
‐Let all those tears out,
my miserable lovelies!
[Maniacal laughter]
[Thumping techno music]
And I'll tell you why...
you can't stop
crying:
because you're
excellent party guests!
Ahh...
Damn, I love these sweet beats.
‐I know this monster
thing is disgusting,
but is he also kind of sexy?
Like a sexy daddy
who deals party drugs?
‐Gross, but yes, exactly.
‐I know you're not
quite ready yet,
but daddy wants a tear‐tini.
[Maniacal laughter]
[Deep sniff and exhale]
I think it might need
a little garnish.
[Woman whimpering]
[Woman crying]
[Scream]
[Squelching]
Perfect.
[Tate screams]
[Organ music] ‐CHRISTINE:
Now, speaking of sin...
let's talk about the upcoming
fertile ground for sin:
the Soccer Formal.
And don't give me
that look, okay?
I was young once, too,
and we all know what
happens at those things.
So, I am here to ask you
what would you rather
have inside you:
The Lord's light
or the devil's penis?
‐Jesus, Mom.
‐Exactly, Jesus.
Ding, ding, ding! Hm.
That's my girl.
You got it, for the win.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Just going to
powder my holy nose.
Hm.
[Conspiratorial music]
[Hushed boom]
[Shaky breathing]
I knew it!
Lord, why have you forsaken me?
Send me
an angel of mercy
to vanquish that devil teacher,
Jonas,
who took these disgusting photos
before he becomes
a worse influence
on my precious daughter.
‐That couldn't have
been real, right?
Someone's screwing
with us, right?
Who do you think it is?
‐I honestly don't
know what to think.
‐Well, what does it say again?
‐Um...
Rule 7.85b,
closing the portal:
Collect the following
ten monster body parts:
a krivack from a
J‐Z‐Z‐X‐X‐S‐H
an A‐borg from a Memoragatu;
and a bunch of other
words I don't understand.
‐There must be a
logical explanation.
There always is.
‐A horn came out of his head.
‐Yeah.
Yeah, there is that.
At first, I thought Pilar cyst
but those don't
present like that.
‐What if he was
telling the truth?
‐But what about science?
‐What about everything else?
‐That would mean there
are actually monsters
in Coppers Cove.
And...
it's all our fault.
‐And if that is true,
then that means there's
something called a Tearjerker
eating people's tears
and holding them hostage!
[Sigh] And if somehow Tate
has been taken or hurt
because of us,
then I guess that means...
‐Oh, son of a bitch.
We gotta find that asshole.
How else will we know?
[Thunder clap]
‐Ohh! My leg!
‐God, that smell! Ugh, ew.
‐VARSHIDI: Good
afternoon, Ferrets!
I'm giving out free...
‐ASTRID: It's just
a normal school day.
Just like any other day.
Absolutely nothing insane
happened last night.
[Thud]
See? Normal.
‐I'm a monster hunter.
What?
I opened a portal. What?
Of monsters. What?
‐GIRL: Have you seen Valerie?
She wasn't on the bus.
‐Oh, no: her
allergies! It got Val!
‐Let's not jump to
conclusions yet.
‐Okay, but what if it did?
[Whoosh]
[Bright upbeat music]
‐You know you're not as
subtle as you think you are.
‐Uh, uh, so you're
talking to me now?
‐I never didn't talk to you.
‐Uh, mmkay.
Ever since you got
cool and I got fat,
we haven't exactly been buddies.
‐It's not like you've
given me the time of day
since Astrid came to town.
So, um...
do you...
Do you have any leads?
‐Let's say, TBD.
Have you heard
anything from him?
‐Pfft. You tell me.
You're the creeper stalking
everyone around town, right?
‐Right. Cool,
have a nice life.
‐Oh, sorry. Um...
No offense.
I‐I heard about the
Pudge Patrol thing.
I'm sure Tate didn't
mean for it to spread.
‐Well, as long as
he didn't mean it.
‐Well, I'm sorry.
‐So, your jerk boyfriend...
Have you heard from him or what?
‐No. Nothing.
‐Crap.
‐You know, he's not...
always an asshole.
Unlike me.
[Chuckling]
‐For those of you who signed up
for formal decorations committee
because you care,
very cool. For those of you
forced to sign up because
of detention, Sparrow,
if you beef up my
dance, I will end you.
Got it?
First official meeting
is tomorrow during lunch.
Don't be late.
[Sucks teeth]
‐Oh, shit. Tears.
Yo, she‐she didn't
mean anything by it.
Are you crying under there?
It probably doesn't matter,
but maybe i‐it does so stop!
Just in case.
[Tender music]
‐You're a weird girl.
[Indistinct conversations]
‐Oh, I could just... Uh!
‐Oh, hey.
‐I think my Sparrow deflowering
dreams are done forever.
‐Oh.
‐But I do think I've
maybe saved his life,
so there's that.
‐Oh, no! And... cool?
So, I talked to Candace and
I kinda resolved some stuff.
‐Ew! You talked to
Princess Turd‐vomit?
How was that?
‐It was fine. ‐Fine?
‐Mm‐hm. ‐That's it?
‐What is that face?
‐What face?
[Deep bass boom]
There is a weird‐looking
mystical golden orb in there.
[Mysterious music]
‐Goddamn it, Unicorn Boy.
Way to pile it on.
Can't we just quietly
ignore this all away?
‐I don't think so.
‐Like we need another reason
for people to think
we're freakshows.
‐You are freakshows.
‐Hello, monster hunters.
Jesus!
Use me to hold
the ten body parts
needed to close the portal.
‐Is he frickin' serious?
Step one:
retrieve the Tontoom
from the Tearjerker.
His body is weak, but his
urge to kill is strong.
And if you haven't
figured it out yet,
follow your nose and leg,
AKA your monster‐tracker
superpowers.
I can't believe these
are the powers we get!
[Intriguing music]
How does it work?
[Hissing] Oh, heh‐heh.
‐BOTH: Time for some recon.
‐I'll get the car.
[Exciting music]
‐Ugh. ‐Where are we?
‐This is where my leg
told me to take us.
‐Well, what's your
leg saying now?
‐Cold.
Cold.
Warm. [Astrid sniffs]
Warmer.
Hot, hot. What's
your nose saying?
‐Ah, same!
Man, lamest powers ever.
‐Oh! My leg stopped.
But it's...
throbbing like a mofo
from all this cramping.
‐I like it when you talk dirty.
But yeah, same. My
nose stopped, too.
‐I‐I need to sit down a sec.
‐Yeah. BRB. I
gotta pee so bad.
‐I'll be here, heh,
massaging myself.
‐Ah, yeah, get it, girl!
‐You know what I mean!
[Sighing]
Oh, okay...
[Mysterious music]
Ouch!
Yeah, great power.
Hey‐hey Astrid?
Hm.
[Echoing sobs in distance]
Astrid?
‐TEARJERKER: Try again, Lilly.
[Evil laughter]
Well, look who it is.
It's my number one
portal‐opening party girl.
I've been waiting to invite
you to my very special party.
You're not normally
invited to parties.
Is that right?
Oh, no.
Did I hit a nerve?
[Sobbing]
You're not going
to cry, are you?
‐Please...
‐Let it out.
[Snorts]
Shit, that tastes...
good!
You know why?
It's because you hate yourself.
‐Oh, no.
‐Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.
Now sad...
it tastes good
but worthless
is delicious.
‐Well, I'm... I'm not.
‐Sure you are, girlfriend.
Now just give daddy
one more taste
before we get started.
[Squelching]
[Scream]
‐Lilly! Get the hell
away from my friend!
[Grunt]
‐Ooh!
[Roar]
Come on. Let's go.
Keep the flashlight,
tear jerkoff!
[Upbeat exciting music]
[Laughing]
[Heavy breathing]
Ah, oh...
Oh, my God.
Lilly, are you okay?
‐You saved my life.
‐You were right:
this shit's real.
Oh, crap, I'm so‐‐
I'm so glad you're okay.
What?
What happened back there?
You seem...
so sad.
‐It was awful.
He told me the truth...
What I already knew.
That I'm worthless.
‐Lilly,
you are the farthest
thing from worthless.
You're the most important
person in my life.
‐Then why do people
keep telling it to me
if it's not true?
‐Because some people are idiots!
And that thing's
a literal monster.
[Tender music]
You were the only one
smart enough to see
what was actually happening.
And who could be worthless
with such a badass
leg cramp superpower?
Huh?
Now, how do we kill this
psycho butt‐face monster thing?
‐Okay.
[Upbeat music]
Okay.
Ten monster body parts...
place them in orb...
yada, yada, yada...
Um...
Tearjerker! Found it.
Okay, listen to this.
‐Cut out his Tontoom,
permeate him with
Krontoxix cocktail.
[Sighs] Cool.
Yeah, easy peasy.
Clear as day.
‐I see you found what
I left in your mailbox.
‐Oh!
It's called a locker
and it's extremely public.
How do you expect us to keep
a low profile about all this?
‐Oh, you'd be surprised.
People see what they wanna see.
Most people, you
know, just forget,
or they'll invent
their own explanation.
Anyway, I just came
to bring you this.
It'll take the
Tearjerker right out.
You ran away before I
could give it to you.
Just mix it in with
some stolen victim tears
and some elephant tranquilizer.
‐Where are we gonna
get elephant tra‐‐?
And you're sure he has Tate?
And Valerie and the
woman who went missing?
‐Yes.
Usually distills his
victims for 48 hours
before he kills them.
To‐to wring out as much
despair as possible.
Hm.
For when he drains and
drinks the bodily fluids.
Friends, come on. I...
‐Oh!
‐Anyway, you have about...
eight hours left to get to them.
And remember: if you
don't get the Tontoom,
then you can't close the portal
and if you can't
close the portal
then the world just...
[Pops lips]
Dies.
Good luck!
‐But, wait! What's a Tontoom?
[Frustrated sigh]
‐Hey, Astrid!
‐What?
‐Got a little
something in your hair.
Is that blood?
‐Um...
I think so.
‐Cool.
[Bright music]
[Funky electro music]
[Astrid laughs]
♪♪ We ferocious ♪♪
[Electro music ends abruptly]
‐Let's do this.
‐Oh, my God, this is insane.
I honestly don't know if
I can do this, Astrid.
‐You are stronger
than you think.
‐Oh...
I'm scared.
‐I'm right behind you. ‐Okay.
‐Just you and me, Lils.
Hey, we're the only ones
who can save the world.
Just us.
It's kinda cool when
you think about it.
‐Maybe being us ain't
so bad after all.
‐Hm.
‐Pudge Patrol:
armed and ready for
some mega ass‐kicking.
‐Oh, my God! Pudge Patrol!
Takin' it back!
You're a genius!
[Crying]
‐TATE: Help! Help.
Help!
[Sobbing]
[Tearjerker
vocalizing excitedly]
[Upbeat techno music]
‐Ah, ooh, uh!
‐Okay.
Let's do this.
Okay.
Love you.
[Sobbing continues]
Good luck.
[Tearjerker laughs]
‐ Hey, Jerkface, wanna go again?
‐A return guest!
My favourite!
[Whimpering]
‐Sh‐sh‐sh.
‐Welcome...
to the paaartyyy!
You poor thing...
Don't you know
faking confidence doesn't
make you any less...
worthless?
[Squelching]
‐Astrid! Now!
‐Taste this!
‐Ah!
[Sizzling]
[Gagging]
‐Whoa.
‐I think it's stopping.
‐Let's dissect this mofo
and get the hell outta here!
[Squelching]
[Exploding innards]
‐Uh, gross!
‐Is this it? [Squelching]
‐Oh, you know what?
I think "Tontoom"
basically means tongue.
‐Ha!
I got it!
‐Okay.
‐Ugh.
‐Ew...
‐Ugh.
‐Oh, look on the bright side:
only nine more of these and
we can close the portal.
‐Oh, great. Just
in time for Formal.
[Laughter]
[Screaming]
[Sobbing]
‐Look out!
[Growling]
‐TEARJERKER: Astrid...
I can see why your mom is
so deeply ashamed of you.
Always ruining everything.
‐LILLY: Go hide over here.
‐Pitiful. I'm going to put you
out of your misery right now!
‐Wait! Some party.
All your snacks are gone.
[Tense music]
Who's the sad one now?
[Chemical hissing] [Roar]
[Thudding to ground]
[Explosive breath]
‐I've officially decided
parties are overrated.
[Astrid and Lilly
sobbing in relief]
Okay. Come on.
‐I'm dehydrated.
‐ASTRID: Yeah, don't
got no water right now.
[Unintelligible whispers]
Okay, we'll get you water.
‐Ow! ‐Oh, sorry.
‐Are you okay?
‐I don't know.
What just happened?
Wh‐what was that? Was...
Was that a monster?!
‐Look, it's a long story,
but right now we just need to
get you and Val home, okay?
I'll explain on the
way. ‐Who's Val?
‐She goes to school with us.
She was at your party!
‐Really?
‐Maybe you need to get
your head out of your ass.
‐I don't know what to say.
‐You can start by thanking us,
Pudge Patrol,
for drowning in monster
guts to save your life!
‐Pudge Patrol.
We're takin' it back!
Oh, and, uh, don't worry,
we won't tell anyone
about us rescuing you.
In fact, we probably
shouldn't talk about
this to, like, anyone.
‐Yeah, cover story. Good idea.
‐Right? ‐Mm‐hm.
‐Yeah, sure.
Nobody would believe
monsters are real.
Or that I spent more
than five minutes
with you dorks,
anyway, so we're cool.
‐Hm.
‐Also, thanks.
‐Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Monster!
‐Oops. Just a shadow.
‐I had the weirdest dream
that I was in a drug
den with a sexy monster.
‐Your mind, Val!
[Snapping fingers]
‐You guys chose a dumb
theme for the dance,
even though I asked you not to.
So, I chose something new.
I am super stoked to
announce the new cool theme:
Angels & Demons!
‐A little on the nose.
‐And now...
I would like to
welcome back to Pine
your favourite ferret:
Tate Hudson!
‐Ah‐ha‐ha‐ha!
What's up? What's up?
‐VARSHIDI: He's
alive, guys! Yeah!
‐Okay, thanks, guys.
Super stoked to be back here.
A‐a quick reminder to
everybody, all right?
Wear a helmet before
you go bouldering!
You won't regret that, okay.
[Laughs]
‐I do have somebody to thank.
[Tender music]
I could not have
done it without them.
Candy, baby, will
you come up here?
[Music fades out]
Thank you. [Cheers
and applause]
‐I guess some
things never change.
‐Some stuff changes!
Like, I guess monsters are real.
‐I guess we're
monster hunters now.
Arguably cooler than
iguanas and SNFU.
‐I'm gonna get so much
ass it's gonna be freaky.
‐You guys are freaky.
‐Damn right we are!
[Laughing] [Theme music]
[Soft boom] [Tense music]
[Crickets chirping]
‐Hello?
[Clattering]
Jamison, if that is you
playing another
one of your pranks,
then I will be forced
to tell your mo‐‐
[Sharp inhale and exhale]
[Quiet tense music]
Mighty Lord and Savior,
you have chosen me!
What an unusual‐looking
angel of his mercy!
Not at all what I
expected, but...
no matter.
You heard my prayers.
And you are here to rid me
of that evil teacher,
Jonas.
[Menacing music]
‐VOICE: I am here
to serve.
[Closing theme]
monster mo‐fo! [Squelching]
Ugh.
[Exploding innards]
‐LILLY: Oh!
I'm gonna barf.
‐He's so full of the creepy goo.
Oh, God.
[Squelching]
‐Is this it?
It has those fuzzy
swirly thingies.
‐Uh.
Fascinating
extracellular matrix.
[Gentle music]
But I don't think so.
It's supposed to be
more dick‐shaped.
Oh, you know what?
I think "Tontoom"
basically means tongue.
So, yeah, just rip
out his tongue.
‐Just?
‐Here, I'll do it.
[Pulsing energetic music]
I got it!
‐Okay.
‐Ohh.
‐Oh! Ugh.
Oh, look on the bright side:
only nine more of these and
we can close the portal.
‐Oh, great.
Just in time for Formal.
[Chuckling] [Sigh]
[Screaming]
[Energetic music]
♪♪ They can see What
they wanna see ♪♪
♪♪ Don't agree?
Don't agree. ♪♪
♪♪ I'ma keep being
me, keep being me ♪♪
♪♪ I don't care ♪♪
♪♪ They can leave when
they wanna leave ♪♪
♪♪ They can leave ♪♪
‐I feel like Olivia Benson
should be featured more.
Or does she like where she is?
‐Get some friends.
‐Get out of my room!
[Sigh]
‐Oh.
‐Aw, I love that
we're next to Alias.
‐Check it out!
‐Thanks, Moms.
[Gasp] ‐What are you doing?
‐Mom!
Shit, I'm going to be late.
[Astrid and Lilly whooping]
‐Ah, girl, I've been
waiting for this all day!
‐Me too, girl.
‐Ohh!
This song makes me
want to write poetry
in a field of daffodils.
‐This song makes
me want to dry hump
in the back of a pickup
truck at Burger King.
[Laughter]
♪♪ I was on fire for you ♪♪
♪♪ Where did you go? ♪♪
It's true!
Okay, so, to conclude the
research from last night...
‐Yes. ‐Dance clubs are over.
But video arcades are happening.
‐Confirmed. ‐Whoof!
‐Almost here.
‐ASTRID: Time to study
the inner workings
of what cool kids do at night.
‐Ooh.
New Patrol Mission,
commencing now.
[Crickets chirping]
‐Jackpot. ‐You got him?
‐Okay, well, I can't see a thing
but I'm pretty sure I
see an upside down cross.
So hot.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
The subject is in frame!
Hello, Sparrow.
Yeah, that's right, baby,
you stretch that sexy bod.
You gonna take those
itchy pants off for mama?
‐Down, Sparky! ‐Like
you wouldn't hit it.
‐You know I'm saving
myself for my soulmate.
Can we just focus on the
cultural task at hand, please?
‐Okay, okay.
‐Do you see any, like,
movie posters or books?
‐I think I spy an iguana cage...
And, oh,
an SNFU poster?
Maybe we should
give 'em a listen.
‐Yeah, I'll add it to the list.
‐How about bitchface Candace?
‐Not sure.
[Mysterious music]
Her porch light is
on and it never is.
‐What was that? ‐What?
Ooh, weird. Oh, he
dropped something.
‐Who the heck is sneaking
around in her backyard?
[Car unlocks, horn honks]
[Car door closes]
[Engine turns over]
‐That ain't Tate's car.
There's something there.
I'm gonna go get it.
‐Careful! ‐Okay.
[Mischievous music]
‐What? What? What did you get?
Show me.
‐What random dude is
taking pictures of Candace?
‐Whoa.
Hella weird.
‐Okay, I gotta write this down.
‐Okay. ‐Okay.
‐Um...
Icy grey SUV.
‐Mm‐hm, yeah.
‐Crumpled photo
found at the scene.
‐Slouching. ‐Uh‐huh.
‐Adult male.
Six‐two.
Seemed sad.
Thoughtful.
Why was he sneaking around
in Candace's backyard?
‐Candace.
Cheating on sexy boyf, Tate?
["Lovely Little
Frankenstein" by SNFU plays]
‐Huh. ‐Hm.
[Song plays on phone]
‐You really think
us blasting music like this
SNFU stuff is gonna make people
want to hang out with us?
‐Like, I mean, it might?
[Turns off song] I
don't know, Lils.
I thought the whole point
was just to figure out
how to blend in
and not be so "us."
‐But I love us.
‐Just like I love
Sparrow's creamy
translucent skin.
I love us too, Lils.
[Gentle music]
Oh!
I am gonna pull prints
off this tomorrow,
just in case.
‐Good call.
Does this make us creepy?
‐No!
This makes us Olivia Benson.
[Bag crinkling] ‐Mm.
Ah, oh!
Sparrow's first nipple ring.
‐You know, Sparrow's going
to the party tonight.
‐Piper, get out of my room!
‐What party tonight?
‐The party at Tate's.
‐How would you know
this? You're 12.
‐I'm connected.
‐It's a Sunday night!
‐It's what the cool
kids are doing.
[Upbeat music]
‐No!
No.
‐And here we are!
And Sparrow's in there
and I look fly as hell!
‐Hm.
‐And I know there are
some honeys in there
just dying to get a
piece of your jelly.
‐Mm, I don't know.
‐I do know!
[Gentle music]
Let's do this. Let's go.
Oh, my God, we're here,
we're here, we're here.
‐Out on a Sunday.
Rock & roll, ladies!
For you and for you.
‐Thanks, Val!
‐Oh! Are you...?
‐Oh, no, my gosh.
For the millionth
time, I'm not crying.
It's just allergies.
Okay, cool, have fun! Bye!
‐TATE: No, it was crazy.
There was, like,
seven defenders on me.
‐There's Candace and Tate.
They're totally
having sex, right?
You know, I bet his butt
feels like a hard dinner roll.
Or like the curve
of a ripe plum.
Or like two peeled
honeydew melons.
‐What are you staring
at, FatAsstrid?
Let's go, babe.
‐Imma blow that off.
Let's just keep going.
Let's go.
♪♪
I swear to God he
just looked at me.
‐Mm‐hm.
‐Oh, my God. Shut up!
‐It's not my fault my mom
won't let me go to Formal.
‐Since when do you
ever do what she says?
‐I don't. I'm just
trying to keep the peace
so I can get her to let
me go to LA this summer.
‐Mm, so if you stay here
you'd be stuck with me.
‐That's not what I said!
‐Whatever. Why don't
you just leave town?
‐It's like...
‐TATE: I mean, why even stay?
‐...kind of okay here.
You drink your drink?
‐TATE: Go.
‐You're being such an asshole.
‐Well, should we talk to anyone?
‐Why do you guys
keep staring at me?
‐Oh! We, um...
Are you okay?
‐Gross.
‐Can we just go home?
‐Sure, they're officially
killing my Sparrow‐boner.
[Lilly sighs]
‐What're you looking at?
And why are you guys even
here? I didn't invite you.
‐Don't worry about
it. We're outta here.
‐You know, you should
do us all a favor
and get back in that
little weird patrol car
you're always in
and never come out.
That's what you call it, right?
Patrol?
More like Pudge Patrol!
[Laughter]
‐You're a monster!
‐Check out a mirror.
‐Let's go.
I hate that asshole.
I wish he'd just evaporate.
[Crickets chirping]
[Sniffle]
‐Pudge Patrol?
God, I want to die.
How does he even know
we've been patrolling?
‐For all we know,
he's been following us.
Perv!
‐I'm just
so sick
of being treated like we're
sub‐human.
‐Me too.
But you know we're not, right?
We are awesome.
Maybe they're the
subhumans and...
we're the normal ones.
‐He called us...
monsters.
[Trembling inhale]
Are we really that gross?
‐No.
No! Why?
Just because we have a
few extra luscious curves?
And weird,
fun extracurriculars?
No‐no‐no‐no‐no‐no.
I refuse to let
some idiot chodebag
tell us who we are.
He doesn't even know us.
And, what, he gets to
be a total dick to us
because his butt's hard
and he kicks a ball
around a field?
What is that even?
[Sigh] ‐Yeah.
[Both sighing]
‐I think I might know
what'll make us feel better.
[Whoosh] [Mysterious music]
[Lilly laughing]
Let's burn the son‐of‐a‐beast.
‐Whoa!
I'm liking this fury.
‐This crap will
help it burn, right?
‐Probably. [Fire whooshes]
Ohh...
[Giggling]
We want you all
to just disappear!
‐Eff those haters!
We want Tate to just...
evaporate!
‐You're the monsters, not us!
‐Let's dance 'em
out of our bodies!
Get out!
Get!
[Inspirational music]
[Vocalizing]
[Laughing]
‐Oh, and now,
make sea kelp arms!
[Laughing]
‐Now, um,
stare up at the moon and howl!
[Howling]
Oh, my God!
‐Now, we want you
all to evaporate!
‐Say it backwards.
‐Yeah.
‐Etaropave...
Ot...
lla...
Ouy... tnaw...
Yeah!
‐BOTH: Ew!
[Laughing]
[Thunder crashing]
[Echoing voices]
‐Uh, weird.
‐Yeah.
Cool coincidence.
Oh, shit!
Curfew!
‐Go‐go‐go‐go‐go!
‐You have the keys?
‐Yeah! ‐Give me them.
[Giggling]
‐Uh, thanks, pal.
I feel so much better!
‐I know, me too! Okay,
that was so much fun.
‐Love you. Mwah!
[Eerie music]
[Evil laughter]
‐She left my party.
Next she'll leave me.
Stupid Candace.
I'm just gonna be
alone. [Thunder rumbles]
‐TEARJERKER: Tate.
‐Hello?
‐Come closer.
Why don't you join
me at my party?
[Thunder rumbles]
♪♪
[Light airy music]
[Boom] ‐Ouch! Ow.
What the...?
‐NEWS REPORTER:
Local crime stoppers
reported a missing woman,
last seen crying at the
city central bus station.
‐Gross, Mom.
What are you cooking?
‐...please notify
the Copper Cove‐‐
‐If my mom pitches
Gateway to God
one more time, I swear to God...
‐Sorry, girl!
[Thumping] [Feedback]
‐Good morning, Fighting Ferrets!
It's finally here!
The big event you've
all been waiting for...
Midterms!
JK.
The Soccer Formal!
So, without further ado...
I give you Michelle!
[Button clicking] [Feedback]
‐Soccer Formal tix
are offish on sale.
There's a sign‐up
sheet inside the caf.
I will be announcing the
theme later this week
so make sure you
write in a suggestion.
Oh, and make them
good this year,
for once.
‐I know it's kinda cliché, but
I really wanted to
go to the dance.
‐Me too, girl.
Hey, worse comes to worse,
I'll be your date.
‐What? You with moi?
I'd be honored!
[Giggles]
[Feedback]
‐Uh, one more thing, guys.
This is probably nothing,
but the police got a call
from Tate Hudson's father.
Tate appears to be
missing this morning.
If anyone has seen him
today, come to my office!
And you know me: my office
hours are every hour.
‐EGGS: Statistically,
it's nearly impossible
to find a missing
person after 72 hours.
If a person's been missing
for more than seven years,
in some states, they can be
legally declared deceased.
‐Jeez, Eggs.
‐Tate is probably fine.
‐I heard that he left
the party crying.
‐I heard he has a side
piece in the city.
‐Oh, my gosh!
‐You have a safe
and beautiful day,
Fighting Ferrets!
Squeak, squeak!
[Thunder crashing]
‐Ow! Oh!
‐Sorry! Nothing! Sorry.
‐What was that
outburst? Are you okay?
‐Yeah. This is going
to sound crazy,
but every time the
lightning flashes,
I get a spasm in my leg.
‐Tate?
Where the hell are you?
‐You don't think
we did that, right?
‐Ha! I wish we had the power
to make assholes disappear!
[Malevolent music]
[Tate sobbing]
[Tears dripping]
‐I don't need a fashion fund.
I've already got the
hottest new accessory.
My new, favorite
portable Bunsen burner,
Bunny!
All right, everyone, enough fun.
Turn your books to page 20.
‐Oh, my God, what is that smell?
Horseradish?
‐I don't smell
anything. ‐You don't!?
How?
[Brooding music]
‐Yes, Eggs.
‐How come the storm clouds today
don't look like standard
cumulonimbus clouds?
‐It's probably because the
thermal rose so quickly.
[Thunder] ‐Oh!
Oh!
[Camera shutter clicking]
[School bell ringing]
[Bushes rustling]
‐Hey, here are your
photos from last night.
‐Thanks, Jonas.
Oh, and sorry for the stealth
exit through the garden.
‐Another patrol mystery solved!
‐I think we got some good
shots for your portfolio.
And if you need any more copies
anytime just let me know, okay?
‐Yeah, for sure. ‐Yeah.
‐So, are you, uh,
getting back into acting?
I'm telling you:
it was so weird.
I‐I could have sworn I
saw something outside
the window in art class.
I had my camera
and I saw something
like, rustling in the trees.
I don't‐‐ I can't even
explain to you. Like‐‐
‐BRB. Emergency.
[Airy music]
‐Anyways, like I was saying,
I definitely saw rustling
in the trees, though.
‐Or did you fall asleep
watching Twilight Zone again?
‐Gotta get a jump
on the pepperoni
before Pudge Patrol
clears it out.
[Students laughing] [Sigh]
‐Come on, let's get outta here.
Well, I guess we
have a new nickname.
‐Yeah, this one really stings.
‐Screw them.
What do you want to do tonight?
Some light breaking
and entering, perhaps?
[Bathroom door opens]
‐MICHELLE: I hope Tate's okay.
He's obvi my ideal
court king for Formal!
‐So, I have some
goss from my brother
who works at the police station.
I could get in so much
trouble for this‐‐
‐Dish!
Pinky swear I
won't say anything.
You know you're my BFFesty 4L.
‐Well, apparently,
a few officers got called
to Brighton Creek Trail.
They found Tate's school
ID, but no sign of him.
[Ominous music] ‐What?
‐It's like he
evaporated, or something.
‐No.
You're kidding!
‐Oh!
Holy shit, Astrid! Evaporated!
‐Lils, it's a common word;
coincidence!
Speaking of, you gotta stop
with the psychosomatic
guilt yelps.
‐They're not psychosomatic
and they hurt like hell!
You don't feel different at all?
‐No. I mean, the
smell of breakfast
made me extra
nauseated this morning,
but what else is new?
‐What about science
class? Horseradish?
‐ Lils, we didn't do anything.
We burned a Hacky Sack,
danced around the yard
and yelled some stuff
into the universe.
People do it all the time.
‐Can we please check
it out tonight?
For science?
[Mysterious music]
[Thunder cracks]
‐Now, who here pissed off God
and brought these storm clouds?
‐Mom.
‐How was school, sweetie?
What's in the envelope?
Those better not
be the headshots
that I told you not to take.
‐No, it's just homework.
‐I know you wouldn't lie to me.
‐Don't really have a choice.
[Thunder rumbles]
[Unsettling music]
‐THEATER GAL: You
coming back, Val?
‐Yeah, I'll be back to
rehearsals in a moment.
My allergies are
just killing me!
[Crickets chirping]
[Mysterious music]
[Sneezing] [Coughing]
[Unsettling music]
[Tree leaves rustling]
[Sneezing and
coughing continues]
‐TEARJERKER: Hello,
Valerie.
Alone again,
like always.
It's a shame
that your melodramatic
personality
pushes everyone away.
I could drink you
right up, Valerie.
[Moaning]
In fact, I think I will.
[Crying]
[Unsettling music]
‐ASTRID: Whoa.
What exactly are we looking for?
‐LILLY: Not sure. Um...
[Mysterious music]
[Owl hooting in distance]
Oh, I think that flag marks
where Tate's ID was found.
Ouch!
Oh.
Oh, my leg!
[Gasps]
What is this stuff?
‐Uh, like, honestly...
I have no idea.
[Lily groans in pain]
‐It's disgusting.
It's so squishy.
‐Ach! Almost smells like...
burnt pickles.
[Astrid sniffs]
‐Oh, my God, what is happening?
My leg won't stop
freaking out on me.
It's like it's being
drawn to the goo.
Uh, Astrid?
I think I found something!
‐Is that a broken fingernail?
A seven‐inch long
broken fingernail?
‐Looks like it.
Bag it up.
‐Oh, God. [Leaves rustling]
‐Hello?
[Leaves rustling nearby]
‐Aah...
[Foreboding music]
[Panicked breathing]
[Both screaming]
‐B‐b‐ack off, buddy!
Oh, shit.
I'm gonna die at the hands
of a hottie with a body.
‐BRUTUS: Relax, I'm
not going to kill you.
[Scoffs] I'm actually
here to protect you
from the thing that wants to
kill you, so, you're welcome.
‐Wait. What?
‐Who the hell are you
and wh‐what do you mean
that thing that
wants to kill us?
‐Okay, so, I'm Brutus.
Long story short: a portal to
another dimension was opened.
End‐of‐the‐world type
thing: bad guys, monsters...
The sort of thing you
see in the movies.
The thing is that this portal
wasn't just opened by itself.
No, it was opened by...
you.
B‐T‐dubs,
who hurt you, hm?
This portal is no joke.
Only humans with severe
pain can open that portal.
‐We're stuck in the woods
with a crazy mofo who
thinks monsters are real!
Lilly, run!
‐What about that spell you did?
Hm?
‐Oh, I told you!
‐Okay, what spell?
‐Oh, you know, the one
where you were standing
7.263 feet from each other.
The copper, the fir tree bark
and the pièce de résistance
when you were howling your
intense pain at the moon.
"Ahh..."
‐And then we said, "We want you
all to evaporate" backwards!
‐What? No.
No, no ‐ only the
stuff that I said.
‐Wait, why are we
listening to this lunatic?
‐And you really should have
known better than to do it
on the third Sunday of the
ninth month during a pink moon.
Come on...
Since you're the
ones who opened it,
you are also the only
ones who can close it.
Otherwise, humanity sort of...
disappears.
No biggie.
‐This cannot be real.
You cannot be real.
We were just messing around!
It was all fake!
We were just blowing off steam
from the hostile
jerks at school!
‐Yeah, well, the good news
is that your connection
to the portal
is actually increasing
your senses.
The leg cramps,
the weird smells...
That's your powers kicking in.
‐Hey, look, hot guy,
you're dropping an insane amount
of batshit craziness on us.
And why the hell
would we believe you?
‐Because I'm from the
dimension you opened.
I'm your guide.
Your‐your Brutus.
[Laughs] Your, um...
your "Giles," in terms you
humans might understand.
‐Huh. Nice try.
‐Okay.
Proof. I really
hate this part.
Yeah, messes up the whole 'do.
[Sharp nasal exhale]
[Crackling]
I know: not a good look.
‐Nice special effects makeup.
You tell Tate, or
Candace, or whoever
to kiss my fat ass!
We'll never go to one of
their parties again, hm?
They win! Come on,
Lilly, let's go.
This dude is psycho! Come on!
‐Look, I can't make you stay.
Rule number 6795C, but
you really should know:
the thing that has your
friend is called a Tearjerker
and it targets literally
anything that cries,
for any reason at all.
‐We've gotta go. Let's go!
‐And if you happen to be sad AF,
‐then it really wants
you. ‐Come on, Lilly.
It will say to you the deepest,
darkest thing you fear the most.
Oh, and you should really know
your friend only has 26 hours!
‐I'm not listening to a
horny guy in the woods!
[Whimpering and crying]
[Foreboding music]
‐Why can't I stop crying?
‐I don't know.
I can't either.
[Sniffling and sobbing]
‐Let all those tears out,
my miserable lovelies!
[Maniacal laughter]
[Thumping techno music]
And I'll tell you why...
you can't stop
crying:
because you're
excellent party guests!
Ahh...
Damn, I love these sweet beats.
‐I know this monster
thing is disgusting,
but is he also kind of sexy?
Like a sexy daddy
who deals party drugs?
‐Gross, but yes, exactly.
‐I know you're not
quite ready yet,
but daddy wants a tear‐tini.
[Maniacal laughter]
[Deep sniff and exhale]
I think it might need
a little garnish.
[Woman whimpering]
[Woman crying]
[Scream]
[Squelching]
Perfect.
[Tate screams]
[Organ music] ‐CHRISTINE:
Now, speaking of sin...
let's talk about the upcoming
fertile ground for sin:
the Soccer Formal.
And don't give me
that look, okay?
I was young once, too,
and we all know what
happens at those things.
So, I am here to ask you
what would you rather
have inside you:
The Lord's light
or the devil's penis?
‐Jesus, Mom.
‐Exactly, Jesus.
Ding, ding, ding! Hm.
That's my girl.
You got it, for the win.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Just going to
powder my holy nose.
Hm.
[Conspiratorial music]
[Hushed boom]
[Shaky breathing]
I knew it!
Lord, why have you forsaken me?
Send me
an angel of mercy
to vanquish that devil teacher,
Jonas,
who took these disgusting photos
before he becomes
a worse influence
on my precious daughter.
‐That couldn't have
been real, right?
Someone's screwing
with us, right?
Who do you think it is?
‐I honestly don't
know what to think.
‐Well, what does it say again?
‐Um...
Rule 7.85b,
closing the portal:
Collect the following
ten monster body parts:
a krivack from a
J‐Z‐Z‐X‐X‐S‐H
an A‐borg from a Memoragatu;
and a bunch of other
words I don't understand.
‐There must be a
logical explanation.
There always is.
‐A horn came out of his head.
‐Yeah.
Yeah, there is that.
At first, I thought Pilar cyst
but those don't
present like that.
‐What if he was
telling the truth?
‐But what about science?
‐What about everything else?
‐That would mean there
are actually monsters
in Coppers Cove.
And...
it's all our fault.
‐And if that is true,
then that means there's
something called a Tearjerker
eating people's tears
and holding them hostage!
[Sigh] And if somehow Tate
has been taken or hurt
because of us,
then I guess that means...
‐Oh, son of a bitch.
We gotta find that asshole.
How else will we know?
[Thunder clap]
‐Ohh! My leg!
‐God, that smell! Ugh, ew.
‐VARSHIDI: Good
afternoon, Ferrets!
I'm giving out free...
‐ASTRID: It's just
a normal school day.
Just like any other day.
Absolutely nothing insane
happened last night.
[Thud]
See? Normal.
‐I'm a monster hunter.
What?
I opened a portal. What?
Of monsters. What?
‐GIRL: Have you seen Valerie?
She wasn't on the bus.
‐Oh, no: her
allergies! It got Val!
‐Let's not jump to
conclusions yet.
‐Okay, but what if it did?
[Whoosh]
[Bright upbeat music]
‐You know you're not as
subtle as you think you are.
‐Uh, uh, so you're
talking to me now?
‐I never didn't talk to you.
‐Uh, mmkay.
Ever since you got
cool and I got fat,
we haven't exactly been buddies.
‐It's not like you've
given me the time of day
since Astrid came to town.
So, um...
do you...
Do you have any leads?
‐Let's say, TBD.
Have you heard
anything from him?
‐Pfft. You tell me.
You're the creeper stalking
everyone around town, right?
‐Right. Cool,
have a nice life.
‐Oh, sorry. Um...
No offense.
I‐I heard about the
Pudge Patrol thing.
I'm sure Tate didn't
mean for it to spread.
‐Well, as long as
he didn't mean it.
‐Well, I'm sorry.
‐So, your jerk boyfriend...
Have you heard from him or what?
‐No. Nothing.
‐Crap.
‐You know, he's not...
always an asshole.
Unlike me.
[Chuckling]
‐For those of you who signed up
for formal decorations committee
because you care,
very cool. For those of you
forced to sign up because
of detention, Sparrow,
if you beef up my
dance, I will end you.
Got it?
First official meeting
is tomorrow during lunch.
Don't be late.
[Sucks teeth]
‐Oh, shit. Tears.
Yo, she‐she didn't
mean anything by it.
Are you crying under there?
It probably doesn't matter,
but maybe i‐it does so stop!
Just in case.
[Tender music]
‐You're a weird girl.
[Indistinct conversations]
‐Oh, I could just... Uh!
‐Oh, hey.
‐I think my Sparrow deflowering
dreams are done forever.
‐Oh.
‐But I do think I've
maybe saved his life,
so there's that.
‐Oh, no! And... cool?
So, I talked to Candace and
I kinda resolved some stuff.
‐Ew! You talked to
Princess Turd‐vomit?
How was that?
‐It was fine. ‐Fine?
‐Mm‐hm. ‐That's it?
‐What is that face?
‐What face?
[Deep bass boom]
There is a weird‐looking
mystical golden orb in there.
[Mysterious music]
‐Goddamn it, Unicorn Boy.
Way to pile it on.
Can't we just quietly
ignore this all away?
‐I don't think so.
‐Like we need another reason
for people to think
we're freakshows.
‐You are freakshows.
‐Hello, monster hunters.
Jesus!
Use me to hold
the ten body parts
needed to close the portal.
‐Is he frickin' serious?
Step one:
retrieve the Tontoom
from the Tearjerker.
His body is weak, but his
urge to kill is strong.
And if you haven't
figured it out yet,
follow your nose and leg,
AKA your monster‐tracker
superpowers.
I can't believe these
are the powers we get!
[Intriguing music]
How does it work?
[Hissing] Oh, heh‐heh.
‐BOTH: Time for some recon.
‐I'll get the car.
[Exciting music]
‐Ugh. ‐Where are we?
‐This is where my leg
told me to take us.
‐Well, what's your
leg saying now?
‐Cold.
Cold.
Warm. [Astrid sniffs]
Warmer.
Hot, hot. What's
your nose saying?
‐Ah, same!
Man, lamest powers ever.
‐Oh! My leg stopped.
But it's...
throbbing like a mofo
from all this cramping.
‐I like it when you talk dirty.
But yeah, same. My
nose stopped, too.
‐I‐I need to sit down a sec.
‐Yeah. BRB. I
gotta pee so bad.
‐I'll be here, heh,
massaging myself.
‐Ah, yeah, get it, girl!
‐You know what I mean!
[Sighing]
Oh, okay...
[Mysterious music]
Ouch!
Yeah, great power.
Hey‐hey Astrid?
Hm.
[Echoing sobs in distance]
Astrid?
‐TEARJERKER: Try again, Lilly.
[Evil laughter]
Well, look who it is.
It's my number one
portal‐opening party girl.
I've been waiting to invite
you to my very special party.
You're not normally
invited to parties.
Is that right?
Oh, no.
Did I hit a nerve?
[Sobbing]
You're not going
to cry, are you?
‐Please...
‐Let it out.
[Snorts]
Shit, that tastes...
good!
You know why?
It's because you hate yourself.
‐Oh, no.
‐Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.
Now sad...
it tastes good
but worthless
is delicious.
‐Well, I'm... I'm not.
‐Sure you are, girlfriend.
Now just give daddy
one more taste
before we get started.
[Squelching]
[Scream]
‐Lilly! Get the hell
away from my friend!
[Grunt]
‐Ooh!
[Roar]
Come on. Let's go.
Keep the flashlight,
tear jerkoff!
[Upbeat exciting music]
[Laughing]
[Heavy breathing]
Ah, oh...
Oh, my God.
Lilly, are you okay?
‐You saved my life.
‐You were right:
this shit's real.
Oh, crap, I'm so‐‐
I'm so glad you're okay.
What?
What happened back there?
You seem...
so sad.
‐It was awful.
He told me the truth...
What I already knew.
That I'm worthless.
‐Lilly,
you are the farthest
thing from worthless.
You're the most important
person in my life.
‐Then why do people
keep telling it to me
if it's not true?
‐Because some people are idiots!
And that thing's
a literal monster.
[Tender music]
You were the only one
smart enough to see
what was actually happening.
And who could be worthless
with such a badass
leg cramp superpower?
Huh?
Now, how do we kill this
psycho butt‐face monster thing?
‐Okay.
[Upbeat music]
Okay.
Ten monster body parts...
place them in orb...
yada, yada, yada...
Um...
Tearjerker! Found it.
Okay, listen to this.
‐Cut out his Tontoom,
permeate him with
Krontoxix cocktail.
[Sighs] Cool.
Yeah, easy peasy.
Clear as day.
‐I see you found what
I left in your mailbox.
‐Oh!
It's called a locker
and it's extremely public.
How do you expect us to keep
a low profile about all this?
‐Oh, you'd be surprised.
People see what they wanna see.
Most people, you
know, just forget,
or they'll invent
their own explanation.
Anyway, I just came
to bring you this.
It'll take the
Tearjerker right out.
You ran away before I
could give it to you.
Just mix it in with
some stolen victim tears
and some elephant tranquilizer.
‐Where are we gonna
get elephant tra‐‐?
And you're sure he has Tate?
And Valerie and the
woman who went missing?
‐Yes.
Usually distills his
victims for 48 hours
before he kills them.
To‐to wring out as much
despair as possible.
Hm.
For when he drains and
drinks the bodily fluids.
Friends, come on. I...
‐Oh!
‐Anyway, you have about...
eight hours left to get to them.
And remember: if you
don't get the Tontoom,
then you can't close the portal
and if you can't
close the portal
then the world just...
[Pops lips]
Dies.
Good luck!
‐But, wait! What's a Tontoom?
[Frustrated sigh]
‐Hey, Astrid!
‐What?
‐Got a little
something in your hair.
Is that blood?
‐Um...
I think so.
‐Cool.
[Bright music]
[Funky electro music]
[Astrid laughs]
♪♪ We ferocious ♪♪
[Electro music ends abruptly]
‐Let's do this.
‐Oh, my God, this is insane.
I honestly don't know if
I can do this, Astrid.
‐You are stronger
than you think.
‐Oh...
I'm scared.
‐I'm right behind you. ‐Okay.
‐Just you and me, Lils.
Hey, we're the only ones
who can save the world.
Just us.
It's kinda cool when
you think about it.
‐Maybe being us ain't
so bad after all.
‐Hm.
‐Pudge Patrol:
armed and ready for
some mega ass‐kicking.
‐Oh, my God! Pudge Patrol!
Takin' it back!
You're a genius!
[Crying]
‐TATE: Help! Help.
Help!
[Sobbing]
[Tearjerker
vocalizing excitedly]
[Upbeat techno music]
‐Ah, ooh, uh!
‐Okay.
Let's do this.
Okay.
Love you.
[Sobbing continues]
Good luck.
[Tearjerker laughs]
‐ Hey, Jerkface, wanna go again?
‐A return guest!
My favourite!
[Whimpering]
‐Sh‐sh‐sh.
‐Welcome...
to the paaartyyy!
You poor thing...
Don't you know
faking confidence doesn't
make you any less...
worthless?
[Squelching]
‐Astrid! Now!
‐Taste this!
‐Ah!
[Sizzling]
[Gagging]
‐Whoa.
‐I think it's stopping.
‐Let's dissect this mofo
and get the hell outta here!
[Squelching]
[Exploding innards]
‐Uh, gross!
‐Is this it? [Squelching]
‐Oh, you know what?
I think "Tontoom"
basically means tongue.
‐Ha!
I got it!
‐Okay.
‐Ugh.
‐Ew...
‐Ugh.
‐Oh, look on the bright side:
only nine more of these and
we can close the portal.
‐Oh, great. Just
in time for Formal.
[Laughter]
[Screaming]
[Sobbing]
‐Look out!
[Growling]
‐TEARJERKER: Astrid...
I can see why your mom is
so deeply ashamed of you.
Always ruining everything.
‐LILLY: Go hide over here.
‐Pitiful. I'm going to put you
out of your misery right now!
‐Wait! Some party.
All your snacks are gone.
[Tense music]
Who's the sad one now?
[Chemical hissing] [Roar]
[Thudding to ground]
[Explosive breath]
‐I've officially decided
parties are overrated.
[Astrid and Lilly
sobbing in relief]
Okay. Come on.
‐I'm dehydrated.
‐ASTRID: Yeah, don't
got no water right now.
[Unintelligible whispers]
Okay, we'll get you water.
‐Ow! ‐Oh, sorry.
‐Are you okay?
‐I don't know.
What just happened?
Wh‐what was that? Was...
Was that a monster?!
‐Look, it's a long story,
but right now we just need to
get you and Val home, okay?
I'll explain on the
way. ‐Who's Val?
‐She goes to school with us.
She was at your party!
‐Really?
‐Maybe you need to get
your head out of your ass.
‐I don't know what to say.
‐You can start by thanking us,
Pudge Patrol,
for drowning in monster
guts to save your life!
‐Pudge Patrol.
We're takin' it back!
Oh, and, uh, don't worry,
we won't tell anyone
about us rescuing you.
In fact, we probably
shouldn't talk about
this to, like, anyone.
‐Yeah, cover story. Good idea.
‐Right? ‐Mm‐hm.
‐Yeah, sure.
Nobody would believe
monsters are real.
Or that I spent more
than five minutes
with you dorks,
anyway, so we're cool.
‐Hm.
‐Also, thanks.
‐Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Monster!
‐Oops. Just a shadow.
‐I had the weirdest dream
that I was in a drug
den with a sexy monster.
‐Your mind, Val!
[Snapping fingers]
‐You guys chose a dumb
theme for the dance,
even though I asked you not to.
So, I chose something new.
I am super stoked to
announce the new cool theme:
Angels & Demons!
‐A little on the nose.
‐And now...
I would like to
welcome back to Pine
your favourite ferret:
Tate Hudson!
‐Ah‐ha‐ha‐ha!
What's up? What's up?
‐VARSHIDI: He's
alive, guys! Yeah!
‐Okay, thanks, guys.
Super stoked to be back here.
A‐a quick reminder to
everybody, all right?
Wear a helmet before
you go bouldering!
You won't regret that, okay.
[Laughs]
‐I do have somebody to thank.
[Tender music]
I could not have
done it without them.
Candy, baby, will
you come up here?
[Music fades out]
Thank you. [Cheers
and applause]
‐I guess some
things never change.
‐Some stuff changes!
Like, I guess monsters are real.
‐I guess we're
monster hunters now.
Arguably cooler than
iguanas and SNFU.
‐I'm gonna get so much
ass it's gonna be freaky.
‐You guys are freaky.
‐Damn right we are!
[Laughing] [Theme music]
[Soft boom] [Tense music]
[Crickets chirping]
‐Hello?
[Clattering]
Jamison, if that is you
playing another
one of your pranks,
then I will be forced
to tell your mo‐‐
[Sharp inhale and exhale]
[Quiet tense music]
Mighty Lord and Savior,
you have chosen me!
What an unusual‐looking
angel of his mercy!
Not at all what I
expected, but...
no matter.
You heard my prayers.
And you are here to rid me
of that evil teacher,
Jonas.
[Menacing music]
‐VOICE: I am here
to serve.
[Closing theme]