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Ashes to Ashes (2008–2010): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript

Having heard television puppet Orville claim that she 'has made it to hospital' Alex attends at a burglary of her future in-laws and 14-year-old spouse-to-be who obviously fail to recognize her. The thief's fingerprints are those of a crook who faked his death years earlier but has had a sex change, re-emerging as home beautician Gaynor who uses her work to locate victims like the Drakes. Alex is visited by ex-cop Summers,who is also from the 2000s, and who offers her a path home by subscribing to the dodgy Operation Rose, but she is wary,knowing that it implies the corruption Hunt is anxious to kill following adverse press reports of police behaviour in the wake of the death of Mackintosh and his equally dishonest buddy.

Resync: Xenzai[NEF]

I talked to
the deputy commissioner.

I want arrests.
Drop everything else.

I've been wanting
to do this for weeks.

Yeah, me too. I just didn't
know you felt the same way.

- What is going on around here?
- We know that Mac was involved.

Mac might be bent,
but he's not stupid.

You know the deal, Jarvis.

You never bring
attention to yourself.

Now you've done it, Alex.
You went and got Mac all agitated.

This is an outrage!

I made it quite clear, DI Drake -
either with me or against me.

That man's got more decency in his
little finger than you'll ever have.

- Your loyalty does you credit.
- Don't you patronise me.

It's over. It's all over.

Operation Rose...

it's coming.

There you see, marvellous magic.

Did it... make you feel happy?

- Not really.
- Why not?

Cos I'm... I'm a bit sad today.

Oh, Orville, what's the matter?

I'm miser-bubble.

You're miserable? Why?

Cos I'm really worried about Alex.

I think she's going to die.

Don't worry, she's not going to die!

She's at the hospital.
When she arrived there,

there were two beautiful
bouquets of flowers for her.

- I know.
- Didn't it make you happy?

You should be happy.

You should be happy!
I've made it to the hospital!

I've told you,
I'm having nothing to do with this.

You... girl!

- Bonjour.
- Bonjour, monsieur.

Avez-vous une license?

Et voil?.

Now go and be a pain in the
derriere for the bloody gendarmerie.

Because we are sick of
the sight of you!

Bon voyage, scumbag.

Well, I hope you're
all proud of yourselves.

It lowers your sperm count, you know,
it's been medically proven.

That's bollocks.

Shaz did say that having babies
was pretty high on her agenda.

Have you seen this, Guv?
It's all about Mac and Jarvis.

They might as well point
the finger at every one of us.

Why can't these brain-dead
piss-heads have a go at someone else?

Yeah, like mime artists.

Some kid even gobbed in my face
this morning, just cos I was a copper.

- Mime artists?
- Yeah.

All that...

Get a job!

Do you think the press
knows about Operation Rose?

If there's any digging to be done on
Operation Rose, it'll be done by us.

In the meantime, we need something to
shut them up, like a bloody big collar.

Burglary at number 2 Stanley Road,
Guv, you still near there?

Stanley Road?

Give it to Plod, Viv.

- It's Bryan! Well, come on, let's go!
- Who's Bryan?

- It's Pete's dad. Start the car!
- Who's Pete?

He's Molly's father.
We've got to get to the Drakes!

Don't tell me they have
the misfortune of being related to you?

This is going to be seriously weird.

That'll make a nice change.

My name is Alex Drake.

I've been shot, and that bullet
has taken me back in time.

Now, I'm lost in 1982,

and all I can do is fight and search

and stay alive.

Because somehow,
I will find a way home.

Right, step down here.

Bryan, are you OK?

- Watch this step.
- Too late.

We'll follow on. Bryan?

He can't hear you.

I'm so sorry.
If I'd have thought,

Instead of being so caught up in
everything, I could have done something.

It's all gone a bit
Martina Navarata... That tennis bird.

I'm so sorry.

Who are you?

Police, love. She takes
her community relations very seriously.

Might be some dabs
on some of this stuff.

Leave it for Forensics. It's
their job. Come on, we're going.

Well, we can't just leave her!

Marjorie, we'll do everything we can
to help you. Won't we, Inspector Hunt?

Do you know
what's missing, Mrs Drake?

Money. Jewellery.

And a necklace that I was wearing.

Bryan tried to stop the man.

In the struggle, he was pushed,
hit his head on that table there.

- How much money was taken?
- About ?1,000.

Bryan's never trusted banks.

Peter, love,
could you put Molly out for me?

Yeah, OK. Come on, Mols.

How could you? How could you
abandon Molly like that?


I wouldn't abandon her.

Well, how come
when she's six months old,

you just bugger off,
never to be seen again?

Has anyone ever told you
you're a bit weird?

Has anybody ever told you

that you can't go around accusing
detective inspectors of being weird,

especially ones
who are really pissed off!

How old are you, Pete?

- 14. And it's Peter.
- Oh, yes, sorry, sorry. Peter.

Look at you!

You're almost cute.


- Yeah, I said almost.
- Why are you giving me a hard time?

Shouldn't you be trying
to find the burglar?

Where were you
when your dad was attacked?

I was at school.

Mum called and they...
told me to come home.

When I got back here,
she was crying.

You're going to have to
be really strong for her.

Think you can do that?

Do my best.


We'll let Forensics deal
with it now, Mrs Drake.


Marj? What's with
the police car outside?

We've been burgled.

- Bryan's in hospital.
- Oh, my God.

And who might you be?

Gaynor Mason. Make-up round.


- Sorry?
- "Ola"?

Spanish boyfriend. Ex.

Found him doing a bit more
than a fandango with my best friend

so I told him where to
shove his castanets.

- Is Bryan all right?
- We don't know yet.

I've got to go and see him.
Could you look after Peter?

Only if it's no trouble.

Least I can do, Marj.

I hope you're going to keep those
baby blues peeled for him, Officer.

What did he look like?

Quite tall. London accent,
not that he spoke much.

- Just asked us to keep quiet.
- What about his face?

He wore a mask...
of Margaret Thatcher.

Metal Mickey.

I told you, I ain't done nothin'!

You're the only one who wears
a Thatcher mask on a job.

It wasn't me.


Oh, right.

- Are you ill?
- No. Why?

You only hit him once.

Oh, sorry, Guv.

Didn't you say
he's got a metal plate in his head?

He has. With any luck, he might
pick up that new channel.

I've only seen that Countdown on it.

Proper ambulance chaser tele.
It'll never last.

Course it won't.
TV in the afternoon,

is for students with greasy hair
and the clinically insane.

And my Auntie Irene.

Mind you, she is insane. She thinks
she's married to Malcolm Muggeridge.

I hate to interrupt, but there's a man
over there being beaten to a pulp...

How many fingers am I holding up?

Don't ask him difficult
questions, Drake.

He'd have coughed by now.

This has been about as useful as a new
pair of slippers for Douglas Bader!

Let's get back
to some real work, shall we?

I've had it with this shit.

- You can't be sure it's not him.
- I can.

- He's the only one who wears...
- Forget it.

This case will affect
people for years.

That might not matter to you,
but it matters to me.

The only thing that matters
is getting our headline,

not fannying about with a case
the plods should be dealing with.

- Have you been to see your dad?
- Seen him. He was asleep.

He might be awake now.

- I hate hospitals.
- I know.

That's a football shirt, isn't it?

Gaynor gave it to me.
She might take me to see a match.

Even though you hate football.

- You're going cos you fancy her?
- No, no, I don't.

That's where she gets it from.

- Sorry?
- When you lie, you look down.

- I know a little girl who does that.
- No, I don't!

How come you seem
to know so much about me?

Female intuition.

Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude.
I just wanted to see how he was.

He's very woozy after the op.

There's a chance there might be
permanent damage to his hearing.

Oh, I keep doing that.

I forget, he can't hear.

Would you like me to sit with him?

- Well, he wouldn't expect you to.
- I'd like to.

Thanks. I won't be long.

I know you can't hear me... Bryan.

And I can't change what's happened.

I'm kind of learning that now.

But I want you to know
that you will cope with this.

When Pete left me with Molly,
you were the one person

who made me believe
that it wasn't the end of my life.

The end of my career.

And this isn't the end
of your career, either.

You once told me that taking up painting
again was the best thing you ever did.

I've still got the painting
you did of Molly... somewhere.

You're going to be
such a fantastic grandad.

And I won't rest until I found out
who did this to you.

If anyone here is anything
less than squeaky clean,

you pack your things
and get the hell out.

Shit sticks to one of us,
it sticks to all of us.

I, for one, have had enough.
It stops here. I'm the sheriff,

- I say we keep it clean. Got it?
- Yes, Guv.

Good. We need a decent headline.

What else do we know
about Mickey Dillon?

He used the mask on two
other jobs, ma'am, same area.

Good, Shaz. So he's local.
Did he know the Drakes?

Am I talking to myself?

Did somebody say something, then?

It's not funny, Carling!

A man has been seriously injured
and we must find who's done it.

I wish I could remember all the details,
but I can't, so I need your help.

Whether you like it or not,

Metal Mickey is the only
lead that we've got.

What are you doing, Drake?

I'm trying to solve a crime, Guv.
It is what I'm paid for.



What's up with you? Have you
Got a wasp stuck up your arse?

Given up on the fags, poof. He'll crack
by tonight, I've got a fiver on it.

Tenner says he'll crack before.

Have you listened to anything
I've just said?

Dabs are in on that robbery
on the Drakes.

- It's not our case, Viv.
- You might want to reconsider.

- This is a wind up?
- No, Guv. They're his.


George Staines.

- Can't be.
- No way.

THE George Staines?

Isn't this where you all run out
shouting "Let's get the bastard"?

Except the bastard in question has
been six feet under for two years.

- Well, then these can't be his dabs.
- Exactly.

Do you know what, it looks like we
might have ourselves a headline.

Have you got any biccies,
Mrs Staines?

Home made flapjacks,
in the biscuit tin.

Blimey, it's like
the Sahara in here, Elsie.

Yeah, smashing, ain't it?

Here we are.

- How old was George in this one?
- Eleven.

Little bugger never smiled
in any of his school photos

hated the place.

Was he bullied?

No. He felt he never fitted in.

George's favourites.

Still make them for him
even though he's not here?

Used to sit where you are.

Playing all the old songs,
polishin' off the flapjacks.

And me singin' along.

Don't Fence Me In.
He used to love that one.

You make him sound like
a little angel, Elsie.

Sometimes it's like he's
right here with me now.

Daft, isn't it,
when he's brown bread.

Did George know the Drakes at all?

Stanley Road,
a couple of streets away from here?

- Might've done.
- Marjorie and Bryan.

I'm not good with names, dear.
I'd know 'em if I saw 'em.

It's just that something
a little bit strange has happened.

George's fingerprints were found over
at the Drakes'. They'd been burgled.

How did they get there?

Must be a mistake.

- Much taken?
- About a grand.

Mr Drake was quite badly hurt.
He's a lovely man.

Oh, poor sod.

You got any savings, Elsie?

On my pension?

Excuse me.
Pebble Mill's on and I never miss.

Just one other thing. It was you that
identified George's body, wasn't it?

No, dear. It was Metal Mickey.

Right, bring in Metal Mickey and the
rest of the Staines gang back in, now.

Gotcha, Guv.

Bastard's stitched me up
like a kipper.

- Even if Staines is alive...
- That slimey bastard's alive all right.

He must've stashed his money
in Elsie's biscuit tin.

It doesn't mean
he burgled the Drakes.

He doesn't think twice
about knee capping people.

Bryan Drake didn't exactly
escape with just a scratch, did he?

No. But it's not Staines's MO.

If it was a well know gangster,
I'd remember.

- You'd remember?
- Yeah.

Look, just trust me,
it can't be George Staines.

Does it say who it can be
in your crystal ball, Madame Fruitcake?

George Staines. Who's seen him?

Come on, someone's seen him,

someone's hiding him.
You've all worked for him.

He snuffed it.

Ah, but has he?

Come on, someone speak up.
It's worth a few quid.

Last bloke what said anythin
about George Staines was him.

He could've played for Millwall
an' all, couldn't you, Charlie?

He still could.

Joke. It was a joke.

Guv? Commissioner's been on.
Wants you to call him.

I'll deal with Mickey.

Put on my desk was a newspaper headline
that says "Time to Vet the Met."

I want the next thing I hear about
you and your rotten department

is that you've made a decent collar.

- Where's Ray?
- Dunno.

Come on Bungle, where's George?

Stepney cemetery.
Where else would he be?

Results, Hunt and good ones!

If I suddenly get a whiff of funny
business in this department again...

You robbed the Drakes.

- I told you, I've never heard of 'em.
- Stop pissing us about, Mickey!

If you don't co-operate with us
I swear to you

I'll personally see to it that your nuts
get squeezed very tightly in a vice.

So unless you want to end up
with a voice like a Bee Gee,

I suggest you start
telling us the truth.

Did you burgle the Drakes?

I've had enough,
so sort this mess out now!

I want a decent headline for the Met by
Monday morning or I'll have you again...

Keep an eye on him, Chris.

Lowers your sperm count.
It's been medically proven.

I've got five kids.

Sure they're all yours?

Shaz, where's Ray?

- I don't know, ma'am. Why?
- I can't find him anywhere.

Maybe gone off in a sulk? Him and Chris
have been in a funny mood all day.

Is the Guv still on the phone
to the Commissioner?

Yeah, I dunno what's
wrong with everyone.

Chris shouted at me
when I asked him what he was doing.

I can't seem to do right
for doing wrong.

Nicotine withdrawal.

Ah! I thought he was just
being a pain in the arse.


What are you doing in here?

I'm on a break.

Look, Mickey isn't
giving anything away.

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but maybe you could persuade him?

- What's the point?
- Ray, I know you're angry about Mac.

Bloody right I am.
I looked up to him. We all did.

Why? All he's done
is piss on our reputation.

There are good honest families
out there like the Drakes who need us.

- Stick his head down the bog again?
- Could do.

Knew I shouldn't have had
that chicken curry down the canteen.


- You wouldn't?
- He would.

Come on, then.

All right, all right!

I don't know nothin'
about the job on the Drakes,

but what I do know is,

George ain't dead.

He paid me to identify his body,

except it was some old tramp
that'd been burnt in a fire.

George made sure his sovereign
ring was found on the body.

Told me he wanted to disappear
to Spain. That's the last I saw of him.

The man who was buried was a tramp.

Staines paid Mickey to identify him.

- Good work, Raymondo.
- Cheers, Guv.

We find Staines.

I need this collar or the Commissioner's
going to have my bollocks in a blender.

If I may paraphrase Dorothy Parker,

we shouldn't put
all our eggs in one bastard.

What other bastard have we got?

You don't still think it's Mickey?

I don't know, but there might be
someone else in the frame now.

- Well, who is he?
- She.

Mickey said Staines went to Spain. Who
do we know who had a Spanish boyfriend?

Gaynor Mason.

- Pally with the Drake family, Gaynor?
- Got to know them over the months.

Got to know their
comings and goings.

Where they kept things in the house,
like Bryan Drake's wages.

You're accusing me
of stealing from Bryan?

Or maybe you told George
where the money was kept.

- George?
- As in George Staines.

Your "Spanish" boyfriend.

The dead gangster?

Who mysteriously seems
to have come back to life.

- Blimey. How's he managed that?
- Don't piss us about, sweetheart.

You've got a make-up round
on his old stomping ground.

He's been in Spain. You speak
Spanish. The Drakes were burgled.

You know the Drakes. Coincidence?

- In a word, yes.
- In a word, crap.

Tell you what, why don't you mull
it over for the night? In a cell.

- I'm telling you she knows something.
- Yeah, maybe.

Gentleman came in earlier,
ma'am, asked me to give you this.

What did he look like?

Mid-fifties. Smart suit.
About the same height as the Guv.

- Did he leave a name?
- Boris Johnson.

Boris Johnson.

Friend of yours?

I don't know yet.

Do I look like the sort of woman
who hangs around with gangsters?

Is that a yes, or a no?

Is that all I'm gonna get?

You're very tense, aren't you,
DS Carling?

Am I?

Like a coiled spring.

Still, s'pose it must be hard
in your game,

having to play
the tough man all the time.

I bet beneath
that hard shell of yours

there's a softer side
people never see, eh?


Can't kid a kidder.

You're a bit like Clint Eastwood,
aren't you?

- Am I?
- Yeah.

Strong silent type. Brooding.

The big hero.

The days of coppers being
seen as heroes, love, are gone.

We're not even liked.

In fact,

we're hated by some.

- What would you do instead?
- Join the army.

There could be a Falklands again any
time, they'll need good men like me.

Yeah, but a dead hero's
no use to anyone, is he?

Yeah, it's Bryan Drake.
Bryan with a y.

You know, you're only replacing one
vice with another one, baby.

I'm not.

- No Bovril?
- No.

I want everyone in early tomorrow
working on the Staines case.

I want my headline.

Right, curry and a pint.

I'm busy tonight.

- You got a better offer?
- Yeah, maybe.

With the older man,

Boris Johnson?

You'd better not keep him up too late,
he'll be falling asleep into his cocoa

or his Molotov cocktail.

- What?
- Well, he's Russian, isn't he?

No, he's English as far as I know.

- Is it serious?
- It could be, yeah.

Right. Good.
Well, have fun with Boris.

- Hello, Alex.
- Who are you?

- My name is Martin Summers.
- You stay where you are.

Go ahead, shoot...

though I have to warn you,

that you may be getting rid of the
one person who could help you here.

So, don't be scared.

You make intimidating phone calls,
you send me roses

like some sort of crazed stalker
and you tried to poison me.

I shouldn't be scared?

Well, I had to make sure
you were the person I was looking for.

And you are.

There aren't a lot of people here
from the other world.

Apparently you
and I are the only two.

You're trying to
spook me out with this.

If I were to say to you,

you've been shot in the head,

you've just arrived at the hospital

and Molly is on her way to see you?

Would that help convince you?

Is that why you're here?

To help me get home?

You and I are the only two people here
who actually know what that means.

Still, it's a relief
to talk about it, yes?

As for helping you...
well, that depends.

Very clinical.

Much easier...

cross-referencing DNA,
I find though, don't you?

- You're a cop?
- Yes.

Retired and disgraced.

You know about Operation Rose.

- That's why you sent me the roses.
- Operation Rose...

could be your exit route.

It's about police corruption.

- Mac, he warned us about it.
- It won't be pretty.

But how much do you want
to see your daughter again?

If you're so sure you can get me home,
why are you still here?

You're not the only one
whose dying here, Alex.

Mine is a very slow
and painful death.

But here,

I can live the life I want.

I could go back

but I don't want to.

You, on the other hand,
have a decision to make

as to what you're willing to do
to have that chance.

- You want me to be corrupt?
- Think about it, Alex.

In six months time, when Molly's
face is faded from your memory,

you'll be begging me to help you.

I haven't got much time
to wait for an answer.

And, sadly...

neither have you.

Shaz? Can I ask you a favour.

Will you find out everything you can
about a man called Martin Summers.

- Is he a suspect, ma'am?
- Not exactly, no.

- A witness?
- Not really.

I'm sorry to be vague but it could
be something really important to me.

- Matter of life or death?
- Yeah, possibly.

Blimey. Anything else to go on?

He's a retired cop. Mid-50s.

- See what I can find out.
- Thanks, Shaz.

OK, Elsie.

What makes you think
she won't lie to us again today?

Who said she lied?

Come on, Guv she knew that
money was in the biscuit tin.

Elsie's not a sponger. She never took
a penny from any of Staines' jobs.

I bet she didn't even know
the money was in there.

Why call her in then?

Cos George thought
the cock-eyed world of his mum.

We keep her here,
he'll start wondering where she is.

- What about Gaynor Mason?
- Nothing.

We'll have to let her go.
Are you ready, Elsie love?

See you later.

OK Elsie, and you darling.
You look after yourself.

- Smashin' lad, him. Lovely teeth.
- Lovely teeth.

Now then Elsie are you going to
tell us where your naughty boy is?

You know where he is, six feet under.
You trying to send me gaga?

Hello again, dear.

- How do you know Gaynor?
- Who?

- The lady you just said "hello" to.
- She popped in yesterday for a cuppa.

Said she was an old friend
of George's.

What are you two waiting for?
Go get her back here now!

A word of advice Blondie, don't
even think about lying again

or you'll be seeing me in your
nightmares for the rest of your life.

- I wasn't lying.
- Bollocks.

You knew Staines wasn't dead!

He is dead,

least the George you knew.

He isn't the man you think he is.

He is trying to change.

Rearrange the following words...

Change... Never... Leopard... Spots.

I know he hurt people.

I swear I had no idea he was
going to rob Marjorie and Bryan.

I couldn't believe it.

I felt so bad for them.

But not bad enough
that you couldn't come to us?

How could you do that to them?

I'm sorry.

Where is he, Gaynor?

You're not leaving
here till you tell us.

What's it worth?

We don't respond to bribery.

I thought this was The Met?

A grand.

What are you one of these
alternative comedians,

meaning alternative to funny.

- All right. Five hundred.
- A tonne.

Meet me halfway, Inspector.


Get him to meet you
at one of his old haunts...

The Peacock boozer, Stepney.

He doesn't go in for pubs
as much as he used to.

Just make sure he's there tonight 7pm.
Don't even think about doing a runner.

In these heels?

Haven't you forgotten something?

Cash on delivery.

It's the perfect
bloody get in, isn't it?

Use a friendly blonde to case the
joint for you and bingo:

he's in.

How could she do that to them?
She's supposed to be their friend.

Now Bryan's deaf for
the rest of his life.

- You don't know that.
- I do.

Bols? Don't cry. That's an order.

I'm not.

If you don't stop crying,

I might even start
feeling sorry for you

and God forbid I might even have
to put a comforting arm around you.

Well, I'd better stop then.

If only I could have done something.

You can't blame yourself.

You don't understand,
you can never understand.

If I'd remembered,
then I could have stopped it.

Listen to me,
we have the public's faith in us

going down faster
than Linda Lovelace.

One thing I can be sure of
is that Gene Hunt will find this maggot

and put him away
till the end of his days.

Come on, dry your eyes, Bols,
we've got scum to catch.

- Ray, Chris, she's on her way.
- Roger, Guv.

Go on, have one.

No way. It's a filthy habit.

I feel better for giving up. Fitter.

This is a waste of time, this is.

The Guv reckons that everything'll
be all hunky dory, if we get Staines.

I reckon it's too late,
the rot's set in.

We can't let him get off with it.
We're coppers. We catch criminals.

Ray, is she there yet?

Not yet, Guv.

Chris check inside the pub to see
if she's in there, or Staines.

Ray check down the street.

Will do. Over.

She reeled you in.

She can't have just vanished.
She'll show.

Hook, line and sinker.

Oh, Jesus!

- Just found her laying here.
- Is she still breathing?

- Think so.
- Clouted with that.

We should have kept
a closer eye on her.

There's a pulse.

Looks like Staines found her before us.
Twigged that she was setting him up.

George Staines is a vicious bastard,
so why didn't he finish her off?

- Maybe he thought he had?
- He's still out there somewhere.

Right, when the ambulance gets here,

you two accompany
Goldilocks here to the hospital.

- Right, Guv.
- Ma'am.

Just had a call through Ma'am,
thought you might want to hear this.

Discharged himself.
He never did like hospitals.

The doctors say his hearing
may come back in time.

Stay positive,
isn't that what they say?

Yes. Hello, Bryan.

It came in the afternoon post.

I've only just opened it. We haven't
long been back from the hospital.

It's ?500.

- Was there a note?
- Nothing.

- Gaynor?
- What's Gaynor got to do with this?

She might've had
something to do with the robbery.

- Gaynor?
- Where's Peter?

In his room.

I think he's a bit shaken actually.
He won't say, you know what lads are.

Yeah, would you like me
to have a chat.

Would you?

Can I come in?

I'd forgotten it did that.

Suzie, your girlfriend?

Kind of.

I can't work her out sometimes.

You just have to remember
the basics, really.

Like if she's in a really bad mood
because she's got PMT,

you don't say that she's in a really
bad mood because she's got PMT.

And if you ever go driving
across France with her

and run out of petrol and break down
in the pissing rain for bloody hours,

do not blame her map reading skills.

Where did you get the money
to buy dope?

- I don't smoke it.
- Yeah, right. I've seen you.

I know where you keep it.

Don't go in there, don't go in...

What's this necklace doing here?

Is this the one your mum...
This is the necklace that was stolen.

Is this the bad thing you did when
you were a teenager. You're a thief!

It's him... He is the thief!

How did the money get
back to his parents house?

What's he doing
with his mum's stolen necklace.

Where does he get the money to buy weed?
He's too bloody lazy to get a job.

He's only 14.

No, he'd rather lay around
in bed all day

working on the novel
that only exists in his head.

- Have you been at the gin?
- You don't know him.

He is untrustworthy,
two-timing, two-faced,

spineless, selfish little shit.


- You better come down the hospital.
- Come on.

Seems there's more to Gaynor Mason
than meets the eye Guv.

- About six inches more.
- Sweet jumping Jesus.

I've seen a woman from Hazel Grove

put gerbils somewhere
a gerbil should never go.

I've seen a bloke from Billericay
balance a budgerigar

on his Hampton wick, but I've never,
ever seen anything like that before.

I just don't get it. The top half...

I mean those melons, they were the real
deal, but down the old goal end...

A bloody great big knob. Like
something out of a German porn film.

- Apparently...
- Gender reassignment.

He's had a sex change,
but he's only had half the op.

Must've had surgery done
to the face at the same time,

- cos you wouldn't know him.
- Well, you didn't.

Who'd put themselves
through all that pain?

Just you wait boys,
before you know it,

you'll all be asking for a back,
crack and sack.

Is that yuppy speak
for Rice Krispies?

What ever next? Norman Hunter
dresses up in frilly frocks?

Geoff Capes starts
playing with Barbie dolls?

Elton John fancies blokes?
I don't get it.

So, down below,
he was gonna have it, er...

Well, actually,
they tuck it up inside the...

Well he certainly caught the attention
of you three. You all eyed him up.

- Bloody rubbish. No way.
- Bollocks.

She's awake.

Guv, she's mid-reassignment,
maybe I should deal with it?

It could be sensitive.

Sometimes your lack of faith in me
seriously disappoints, DI Drake.

Wake up, Gloria.

When were you going to say
toodle-loo to the old todger then?

Where am I?

In about six feet
of very brown stuff.

You better start talking,

or you'll be saying goodbye to your
gonads sooner than you think, Staines.

I'll only talk if you
call me by my name - Gaynor.

Why the hell should I
when you're still half George?

Still the same thieving scumbag.

I'm not.

- I've changed. I've told you.
- Bollocks.

Once a scrote, always a scrote.
It's in your genes.

Come on George, be a good
boy and start talking.

Not until you call me by my name...

- Gaynor.
- I'll call you what I damn well want,

you gender-bending,
weirdy beardy freak of nature.


I needed the money to pay
for the rest of the op.

- Where did you have the breast done?
- Spain.

- But they ripped me off.
- What, only gave you one tit?

Upped their price.

Said they'd tell the authorities
if I didn't pay more.

- Why did you have to hurt Bryan?
- It was a mistake.

Him and Marjorie weren't
meant to be there.

I was just desperate
for the money for the op.

To be the person
I always knew I was.

So why did you
come back to the Drakes?

I knew I'd left my dabs there.

Marjorie asked me to look after Peter,
then I was stuck.

- I don't blame him for what he did.
- What did he do?

He saw me wearing
his mum's necklace.

Chased after him, he thought I was
going to attack him or something.

He picked up a brick.
I felt a thud on the back of my head.

Next thing, I'm in here.

Why did you go and see Elsie?

To say goodbye.

When I saw her, I felt bad,

bent over with rheumatism,
still struggling to make ends meet.

So you left her
the money in her tin?

Promise me one thing?

Don't tell her the truth.

It'd break her heart.

You, my little tranny friend,
are in no position to make demands.

Sending scum like you down might restore
people's faith in us a little bit.

Ray, cuff him... Her.

- So are you going to tell Elsie?
- No choice.

I wonder if this counts
as one arrest or two?

Sorry, Ray.

It's DS Carling.

- Decided yet?
- On what?

The army.

No, not yet.

You'd be a hell of a loss
to the police.

Buttering me up is not gonna
stop me putting these on you.

- So forget it.
- I mean it.

I want to go to sleep at night
knowing there's cops like you

helping keep good people
like my mum safe.

Besides, khaki's not your colour.

Why's your face all red?

Cos it's hot in here.

Why did you give
the Drake family that 500 quid?

- What 500 quid?
- The 500 quid that was in that tin.

Was there?

Must have been a bit of a shock
finding all that money in there.

I'll say!

I've no idea how it got there

but when you told me about
that poor Bryan Drake

and I read about it in the papers,
I felt sorry for him.

You could have kept it for yourself
and had a holiday in the Bahamas.

Except it wasn't mine, was it?

Anyway, what do I want to go
to the bleedin' Bahamas for?

Can't take the heat, me.

Why didn't you tell me
what had happened

- instead of running away like that?
- Cos I thought I'd be in trouble.

I could've killed her.
I thought I had.

- You won't say anything?
- Technically you've assaulted someone.

- Will I go to jail?
- Possibly...

and you'll probably end up sharing
a cell with a great big bloke

covered in scars and tattoos
who'll call you his bitch.

Just kidding.

- It depends.
- On what?

- Will you promise me something?
- OK.

You'll look after your mum and dad.

I will.


And be really nice
to whoever you end up with.

Whether it's Suzie
or a girl called Alex...

Be especially nice to her.

Yeah, spoil her rotten.
Flowers, chocolates... Jimmy Choos...


And look after Molly,

that's really important.

It's never too late, Peter.

Bye, Marjorie,
everything will be all right.

Thank you.


It's an easy mistake to make.

I mean that Boy George -
he looks like a woman.

Yeah, you fancied him
before I told you.

- I did not.
- Did.

Drop it, Shaz.

Shut it, you.

- What's that for?
- Fags.

Could buy nearly
five packs with that.

I know. Get five.
Get ten. Get twenty.

I don't care but please,
please start smoking again,

because I can't take much
more of you being a whinging nark.

I haven't been a
whinging nark, have I?

Now, come on, we should just
be in time for the flicks.

- What are we seeing?
- Tootsie.

By the way, ma'am, there wasn't
any record of that Summers bloke,

not with the information you gave.

- Sorry.
- Well there wouldn't be, would there?

I mean, he's not supposed to be here,
like me. Thanks, anyway, Shaz.

No problem, ma'am.
Have a good night.

Night ma'am.

- What was that all about?
- I ain't got a clue.

You know, I thought
I knew it all, Bols.

Now I'm beginning to wonder...

maybe I know the
square root of jack shit.

Is this where I'm supposed to
disagree with you?

It's just my luck.
I could retire on this.

Be known as the bloke who collared
George Staines when all around failed.

- You still could.
- What, and break his mum's heart?

- It's not her fault she loves him.
- What did you tell her?

Gaynor Mason's been
arrested for the robbery.

Of course you did.

Which is why George Staines
never gets sent down.

- Damn you, Gene Hunt.
- Why, what have I done now?

Because, despite all
the macho put downs, the insults,

the pathetic sexist side-swipes,
underneath it all you are a,

good, kind, decent man.

Keep your voice down -
somebody might hear.

I am going to buy you
a very large drink.

Are you seeing Boris again?

No. Why? You jealous?

Don't flatter yourself, sweetheart.

Luigi, put them on my tab.
I owe you one anyway.

What for?

For not saying anything
to the Guv about me going AWOL.

All right. I accept.

- On one condition...
- What?


I saw you filling out the form.

- You posted it?
- Not yet.

I need a referee.

Will I do?

Guess so.


Now you have to stay.

I haven't got much
bloody choice, have I?

You're not such a bad
copper, you know.

Thanks, Ray.

For a bird.

Well? Alex?

Do you have an answer for me?

I know you could be
my only chance of getting back.

And you know how much
I miss my daughter.

I would do anything
to see her again.

But what you want me to do,
what you want me to be

is corrupt and dishonest.

I'm sorry, but I simply can't.

And so the answer

is "thanks, but no thanks."

I don't know how, but I'll
find my own way back.

I had a feeling

you were going to say
something like that.

Oh, well...

If I can't change your mind,

maybe Operation Rose will.

I think you did the right thing,
Signorina Drake.

I think so, Luigi.

Resync: Xenzai[NEF]

You might not have
much time left.

Alex, stay with us.

You know I've had
harder shites than you.

- What are you doing!
- Friday night, after a curry.

I don't sit there and ruminate on the
individual's role in society, my son.

I flush 'em away.

go fetch me my search warrant.

When did you have time
to get a search warrant?

- What do we do now?
- Nick it?

- We're the police!
- You're enjoying this, aren't you?

- Ways and means, Bolly.
- Have you got a light there, mate?

Resync: Xenzai[NEF]