Ash vs Evil Dead (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 4 - DUI - full transcript

Oh, God! Oh, God!
I'm in the butt!

But I don't see the book.
Where is it?

It's locked up in the Delta,
safe and sound.

I cannot believe you guys
jacked this from Ashy Slashy.

Are you insane?

"Misartra."

- (screams)
- What the fuck was that?!

- Ah!
' st°n it!

What is your genius plan
for getting the book back?

And throw one of
our epic parties tonight.

The kids who stole your car
will show up.



Ruby: We might not be able
to find the book,

but we can go after the ones
who are searching for it.

- (distorted) Mama.
- Then let's go kill your kids.

Ash: What the rice and beans
is he doing here?

- (growling)
- Ah! Help!

Believe it or not Dad,
this is my day job.

(screams)
Ashy Slashy's going to kill us all!

Hey, relax!
Everything's fine!

Brock: My son is a hero.
You hear me? He's a hero!

- You really mean that, Dad?
- I was wrong.

(horn honks)

Ah, Dad.

You can't be dead now.

Not after everything
we've been through,



with all the bitterness
and the hatred and...

and now we finally made peace
with each other.

I'm so sorry, Jefe.

You're right, it's not fair.

Fate is a cruel mistress, Pablo.

Everyone I've ever loved
has been taken from me.

Next time it's going to be you
or Kelly or Eli or...

Well, no, that's pretty much it,
but one of you three.

- No doubt about it.
- Don't worry.

I'm done letting fate choose for me.

From now on, I'm grabbing
the bull by the horns, Jefe.

Won't make a pube hair
of difference, Pablo.

My advice, think of your life
as a good time, not a long time.

- No, thank you.
- You're welcome.

Well, Pop,

I guess it's time
to ride the pale horse

up to the discount
hardware store in the sky.

Pablo, you don't see another eyeball
around here, do you?

No.

- (car rumbling)
- But I think your plan worked.

- (brakes squeal)
- ♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪

- Those punks are gonna pay.
- I got this.

Bull by the horns, Jefe!

Pablo!

(engine revving)

- (muffled screaming)
- (rock music playing on car stereo)

- No, it's not me! I swear to God!
- What the fuck is going--

- (yelling, grunting)
- (screaming)

Get out of there!

Ash!
The Delta, it's possessed!

- (screaming continues)
- (engine revving)

Possessed?

No, no. no, no, no.

Come on, baby, not you.

I ...feel the noise ♪

- ♪ Girls, rock your boys ♪
- What are you doing?

- ♪ We get wild, wild... ♪
- No.

Back off! Not you.
Come on! Not the classic.

- (tires screeching)
- You can't be possessed!

- ♪ Come on, feel the noise ♪
- Not you!

- ♪ Girls, rock your boys ♪
- No!

- No! No.
- ♪ We get wild, wild, wild ♪

(music playing)

(cat screeching)

- Hey, Chet!
' Hey, man!

- Hey, how you doing, buddy')
- Uh, yeah!

Hey, listen, uh, I got to borrow
your wheels, is that cool?

Mm. Absolutely.

(slurred) As long as we're going
down "Mammary Lane."

Oh, sure.
We can reminisce later.

No, Mammary Lane?

The titty bar!

- Oh, Mammary Lane!
- Remember?

- Yeah!
- Sure, yeah, they got great lighting.

Man, I love having you
back in town!

Right. Hey, let's get going.
What do you say?

Yeah, okay.

And, oh, oh, shit.

That's not the... Oh, here.

I got-- No.
Yeah, that's it.

- That's the...
- Try that one.

Okay, come on. Shit.

- Oh!
- Hey, you know what?

Chet, I got a great idea.

If I drive, you can keep pounding
brewskies the whole time.

- I can stay hydrated!
- Exactly.

- Great idea.
- Yes! Okay!

- Okay, go that way.
- Okay.

- Here we go.
- Yeah.

- (Chet grunts)
- (engine revving)

♪ Take off,
it's a beauty way to go ♪

♪ Take off,
to the Great White North I

♪ Take off,
it's a beauty way to go... ♪

We're going to die here.
This car's going to kill us.

- (tires screeching)
- (both gasping)

(both grunting)

- (grunting)
- There's no use!

There's no controlling it!

Hey, uh, I'm Pablo.

- Uh, what's your name?
- Lacey!

Listen, we're-we're going to
figure all of this out.

- (tires screeching)
- Why is this happening to me?!

Yeah, welcome to my world.

(tires screech)

Crushed it!

Huh?

Dude, there's a chainsaw
in my backseat.

Yeah, that's mine.

What's it for?

Um... ice sculpture?

Oh.

And the shotgun?

Uh, that's mine, too.

What's that for?

In case they don't pay
for the ice sculpture.

- Oh.
- Huh?

Yeah.

Wait. Oh, dude. No.

You passed it, man.
Mammary's is the other way!

Uh, no, no, no.
Chet, uh, hey.

I just remembered that, uh,
they had to close Mammary Lane down.

- Huh?
- Yeah, asbestos in the poles.

Chicks were getting, uh,
rashes on their hoochie-ma-kooters.

But, hey, don't sweat it.
I got another place.

Hey, Chet, uh, keep your eye out
for the Delta, can you?

- Yeah.
- On our way there?

Yeah.

Where are the guns at?

Impressive.

Kelly: We weren't intending
to stockpile an arsenal,

but you know what they say,
"When in Jacksonville"...

We got to move.

In the time we've wasted,
my spawn could have found the book.

And if they've already raised Baal...

- (sighs)
- What?

Every time
you talk about this "Baal,"

you trail off,
which is really annoying by the way,

but it makes me think

that you're hiding something.

I'm not hiding anything.

It's just...

Baal has a power over me.

And not just me, everyone.

Yeah, he's a demon.
That makes sense.

He's not a typical demon.

Baal doesn't use brute force,
he breeds paranoia.

He-he gets into people's psyches,
turning them against each other,

until they annihilate themselves.

(clicks tongue)
Well, you sure can pick 'em.

I didn't pick him,
that's the point.

He is seductive
and he's manipulative.

You just can't resist him.

And I'm afraid that if we do not get to
my spawn before they raise Baal,

I will not have the strength
to fight him.

No.

You just think that way

'cause you've been fighting alone
for thousands of years.

But now you got me, okay?

I promise I will help you
kill your spawn.

Just tell me what we need to do.

- Oh, my God, no!
- (Pablo grunting)

(evil laughter)

- What the fuck is that?!
- No way.

You?!

Shit!

(whimpering)
Please make it stop!

- Please make it stop!
- You okay?

Forget her, Pablo!
This is about you and me!

(whispers)
What the hell is that thing?

It's just a stupid book
that talks and does evil things.

- (yells)
- Pablo!

- (screams)
- Oh, shit!

Book:
Tell her the truth!

Tell her our destinies
are intertwined.

That we're bound by
the most powerful force imaginable.

Embrace the truth, Pablo!

Look at yourself!

- (gasps)
- Lacey: Pablo, look out!

- (horn honking)
- Pablo!

- (tires screeching)
- (glass shattering)

(gasping)

(yelling)

(metal scraping)

Shit!
(groaning)

- Pablo!
- Ash!

I, uh, need you.

- Whoa, whoa.
- I'm scared.

_ I got YOu , b - No! uddy"

(groaning) Shit!

(panting)
Jefe...

Okay, I'm going to pull it out!
Let's go for it.

Okay-

You ready? Hang on now.

- (groans, screams)
- Okay, okay!

- Can't help... not that way.
- That's not going to work.

- Okay, hold on.
- (Pablo groaning)

(screaming)

- (panting, screams)
- Don't worry.

It's okay.
We got it worked out.

All right?
We're going to take care of this.

What you need is some sleep.

You need to rest right over here
in the trunk.

It's really nice in there.

- So, Pablo...
- Why in the trunk, Jefe?

- Because we have to.
- No.

I want you to trust me on this.

There we go.
Just get in the trunk.

Ah! No, no!

- Jefe! No! Please!
- You want to be free of that book?

Then you get in the goddamn trunk!

(gasping)
Okay.

I'm sorry, Jefe. Please!

- See you on the other side, amigo.
- No!

Lacey: Pablo? Hey!
Pablo, get up!

What are you doing?
Get up!

Somebody's following us.
Someone is following us.

- Chet, there it is! The Delta.
- Huh?

(engine revving)

- Chet, sit back.
- What's that for?

Oh!
Sweet monkey Jesus, Ash!

- What's your problem?!
- Take the wheel.

- How do you think I feel?
- Take the wheel!

I'm going to take the wheel!

- Chet, take the gun!
- Okay, yeah.

L 90f you!

(yells) No!

Give me the gun!

Lacey:
He's going to shoot again!

- Whoa.
- (both grunt)

Shit!

- (brakes screech)
- Whoa.

- What are you doing?!
- What are you doing?!

All right, Chet,
I got to come clean.

We're-we're not going
to a titty bar.

But...

then...

Where?

- You want to know?
- Yes.

Okay, I'll give you
the abridged version.

- Good.
- There's an evil book.

It possessed my car,
then it killed my dad.

There's little demons
who want the book.

I can't let them get that book,
'cause if they do,

they'll use the book
to summon a bigger demon.

That's the whole story.

Okay, man. Come on.

Let's kill us some demons!
Yeah!

No. Sorry, Chet.

This is the end of the road for you.

What? No, man.

Come on, we're in it together
till the wheels fall off, remember?

There's some things
a man has to do alone.

(sighs)
Like what?

Like drinking in the morning.

Like putting antifungal
ointment on your...

- Balls.
- Yeah. You understand me, Chet.

That's why you know
I got to do this alone.

I just got to get to the old Smash 'Em Up,
take care of business,

and I'll catch you on the flip-flop.

Wait a minute.
The Smash 'Em Up derby.

Oh, I get it now!

Yes, because it was there,
in the Delta,

where I first boned
Lillian Pendergrass.

Oh, see, 'cause I thought
it was because

that's where your dad got the Delta,

and then the Delta came back to
run him over as sort of a "cry for help,"

and then it went back to the place where
your dad originally got it, you know.

I guess it just jived with
the whole cathartic symmetry of that.

Sort of a circle of life
kind of a thing.

Yeah, Chet,
that could work, too.

Either way,
I think the car's going there.

- Can you drop me?
- Shit, yes, brother.

Bless your soul, Chet,
you drunk driving angel.

(both grunting)

(both howling)

♪ It's a beauty way to go,
take off... ♪

- Step on it, Chet!
- Let's go!

I Take off, it's a... ♪

(pipes rattling)

(steam hisses)

It smells like Ash's trailer.

My children have been
nesting in here.

Stop calling them that.

They're not your children anymore.

Ruby:
I can feel them.

(growls)

(sniffs)
Nope.

Synthetic.

From some cheap,
imported rice burner.

Pennzoil Platinum.

HeHo,baby.

Little overdue for a valve job.

But you're close.

(pipes rattling)

- (banging)
- (Kelly yells)

(faint growling)

So fucking dark in here.

They could be anywhere.

- (grams)
' (gasps)

' Kelly!
' Ah!

Get out of the way!

(both screaming)

(Ash yells)

Ah, shit!

_ Ash!
- (grunting)

(yelling)

- (yells)
' (Qrowls)

(spawn growling, groaning)

(distorted) Mama.

- (evil laughter)
- Shit!

- 0h, my God! 0h, my God!
- (engine revving)

- (Pablo and Lacey screaming)
- (Delta rumbling, engine stops)

Doors. Check your door!

- It's open!
- All right.

- Come on.
- Pablo!

- (yells)
' (gasps)

Pablo! Pablo!

Whoa!

- Get off me! Go!
- I'll get help!

Wait!
Pablo, you can't do this!

There is another way.

Cast me back to the dimension
from which I came,

and you get to live!

- What the hell is that?
- My word.

Good girl.
(yelling)

- Brock: All in the ass, son.
- That you, Pop?! Whoa!

Got to clench those cheeks
together, nice and tight.

You want me to, what?!

Get them so hard you could
crack a walnut on them.

Okay!
(Yelling)

I'm doing it!
I'm hard, Dad!

I'm hard!
(yelling)

I gave you life,
I can take it away.

(spawn gurgling)

For what it's worth...

I'm proud of you.

- Ruby!
' KEHY, the dagger!

No!

(gasping)
Kelly! The dagger!

I sot it!

(yelling)

Hang on, Pablo!

Okay, what do I have to do?

Speak the word.

(Ash yelling)
Come on, baby!

Don't make me do this!

Pablo!

(tires screeching)

No. Damn you to hell!

- "Amagi."
- (chainsaw buzzing)

- (Delta roaring)
- Oh!

- (panting)
' (engine stops)

(spawn gasping)

That was the last of them.

That was the last.

What the hell is this?

Uh, I don't know.

Jefe, this is it!

This is how we cast
the book to hell.

Well, at this point, I mean,
could things get any worse?

Knock yourself out.

(Necronomicon roaring)

- (gasps)
- What?

Ruby, what's wrong?

The Necronomicon...

it's gone.

We got to move.
(grunts)

Okay, looks like it worked.

That's good enough for me.

(laughter)

- (slam echos)
- Come on, Ash.

Let's go home.

Uh, at least we don't
have to tow it anywhere.

This is good
a final resting place as any.

Hey, you wash out
your filthy mouth!

I'm not going to get rid of that beautiful
beast just because of a few dings.

Uh, Jefe, it was possessed,
killed a bunch of kids,

- and its trunk was a portal to hell.
- Nothing a lube job wouldn't fix.

Urn, have you seen the hood?

You drove your chainsaw
right into its heart.

I can buff that out.

Pablo don't worry, before you know it,
she'll be as good as new.

(roars)

♪ Come on, feel the noise I

♪ Girls, rock your boys ♪

♪ We get wild, wild, wild ♪

♪ So come on, feel the noise I

♪ Girls, rock your boys ♪

♪ We get wild, wild, wild ♪

I And you know ♪

A' Yeah a'

I So you think we have a lazy time ♪

I Well, you should know better I

♪ And I don't know why ♪

I I just don't know why ♪

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