Ash vs Evil Dead (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 3 - Last Call - full transcript

Ashley?

Look,Pop,
I know you don't want me here.

Well, you know where the door is.

Ruby: You've seen how powerful
my children have become.

We gotta retrieve that Necronomicon
before they get their hands on it.

- Where'd you put it?
- Kelly: The best hiding place

you could think of
was a fucking corpse?!

- (screeching)
- (Ash yelling)

This town is only big enough
for one asshole... me.

- We gotta get out of here.
- Kelly: Stop!

Beat it.
Roads are for cars.



Fuck you!
You need to watch where you're going!

But I don't see the book.
Where is it?

It's locked up in the Delta,
safe and sound.

- Jefe, it's the Delta!
- Hey!

- (howling)
- (horn honking)

♪ Only you ♪

♪ Cared when I needed a friend ♪

♪ Believed in me
through thick and thin ♪

♪ This song is for you ♪

I Filled with gratitude and love... I

Miss you, baby.

Look at him.

Man, that car's been with him
through thick and thin.

War and peace.
It was his everything.



I mean, it didn't even
have a CD player, though.

True that.

But he loved it.

- (man yelling)
- (whistle blowing)

Girl: I cannot believe you guys
jacked this from Ashy Slashy.

- Are you insane?
- Boy: Oh, relax.

- That's all just an urban myth.
- (coughs)

Okay, not what I meant, you know.

My dad's the sheriff, it's not a great
look if I get busted for grand theft auto.

It's not grand theft
if the car's worth $30.

(giggles) Look, I just
don't want to give my dad

another reason
to get pissed off, you guys.

He's been totally on edge
ever since this Ash guy came to town.

Lace, don't stress.

All right,
after we smoke this dude's stash,

we'll dump his piece-of-shit car
somewhere.

- No one will ever know about it.
- Okay, cut it out, Tyler.

Sorry.

It doesn't help that
your pervert friend is watching.

- Lacey: Eww!
- (all chuckling)

Fine, but I'm taking the weed.

Wait up.

- Come on, pervert.
- (music playing on radio)

I Precious friend... I

(both moaning)

Hey, didn't your mom
used to bone Old Hatchet Hand?

- Uh...
- It's a chainsaw, brah.

No, they were just friends, eww.

She totally banged him.

She was like,
"Oh, Ashy Slashy!"

- (laughing)
- Eww, cut it out! God.

Uh, let's take a break.
You need to cool off.

Well, hey...

I think we should both be able
to express our feelings physically.

Oh, God.
I've never met anyone like you.

"Verata..."

- (growling)
- "...kanda..."

- I guess what I'm trying to say is...
- "...misartra..."

- (growling)
- "...me-stro-bean."

- (Amber screams)
- Oh, holy shit!

What the fuck was that?!

- I love you, too.
- Huh?

But the car, and uh...

Uh... never mind.

Oh, yeah.

- (Amber biting)
- Whoa! Fuck!

Ah, what the fu--

(music playing)

- (wind blowing)
- (cat screeching)

- Time to go.
- Go where?

Get the Necronomicon back
before it falls into the wrong hands.

- Ash: What do you think you're doing?
- Ruby: Fixing your mistake.

Ash:
I don't think so, bossy.

This is my team,
and they go where I tell them, not you.

Forget the stupid book.

Chasing that thing's
only going to give you a leg cramp.

You don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, I don't?

You're the one who grew up
your entire life looking for that book,

and you never found it.

Me on the other hand, I can't fart
without tripping over that thing.

And I fart a lot.

All right, then,
please tell me

what is your genius plan
for getting the book back?

Oh, I'll tell you.
First things first.

- Uh...
- (farts)

(chuckles)

Kelly:
What the hell is pink fuck?

Pink fuck is a proprietary mix
of liqueurs and spirits

garnished with orange rind,
and, um, nutmeg.

Oh, and...

there's a shit ton of Ketamine in it.

- (laughing)
- Got it.

Uh, second question,
who the hell is this guy?

Well, come on, seriously?
You've never heard me talk about Chet?

"No Fret Chet?"
My main man?

- My number one partner...
- Both: In crime!

- Never formally charged.
- (Ash laughs)

Back in high school,
me and Chet, man,

we used to throw
the most righteous parties.

People would come from
far and wide for a taste of sweet...

Both: Pink fuck!

- Here you go. Try it.
- Nah, I'm good.

Uh, why not?
Are you a cop?

No, dude, I just don't feel like
drinking a glass of Ketamine right now.

Or ever!

Ash: She's not a cop, but I have
never seen her do Ketamine.

(both grunting)

Uh...

Solidarity!
Till the wheels fall off!

(groans)
So, the sugar is hurting my teeth.

And, uh, I'm pretty-- Uh...

(slurred)
my tongue is numb.

And it's not...

(chuckfing)

Hey, how about you, slim?

Want to try a pink fuck,
hold the pink?

Chet: Ow!

(chuckfing)
Mm. This feels so nice.

- That's what brings the crowds in.
- That's what I'm counting on.

Chet, what do you say,
we cook up a big batch of happy,

and throw one of
our epic parties tonight?

And the kids who stole your car
will show up.

- That's a genius plan, Jefe.
- Thanks, Pablo.

It's not the worst plan.

Till the wheels fall off, brother.

(both vocalizing)

- (both imitating explosion)
- (Kelly sighs)

Both: K-hole! Yeah!

Amber! Tyler!

Honeymoon's over!

(gasps)
Oh, my God.

What's going on?

Tyler? Amber?
Are you there?

- (Lacey gasps)
- (Tyler groaning)

Dude...

- Holy...
- Shit.

- Come on, let's go!
- (engine starts)

(screaming)

(screams)

Lacey: What is... what is happening?
I'm not doing this!

(engine revving)

(screams) Oh, my God.
What the fuck is happening?!

- No!
- (tires screeching)

(Lacey screams)

(Delta whirring)

(gasps)

(Lacey screaming)

Stop it!

- Come on!
- Run, Blake, run!

- (music playing on stereo)
- Medication time!

You know,
I got to hand it to you.

This party is popping off, man.

I mean,
you got the football team

and cool goth kids.

The fun gay guy everybody loves.

Some really old men.

What the rice and beans
is he doing here?

What the rice and beans
are you doing here?

Hey, it's my question!
Look, beat it.

This is my party, Okay?

It's for young, hip people,
not old guys that smell like soup.

No, no, no.
This is my bar.

Bert, Roy, and me been coming here
every Saturday for 40 years.

You don't just waltz in here
and push me around.

Come on, boys.

(groans)
Story of my life.

Now he's going to be a creepy old guy
and scare all the cool kids away.

- Now I'll never get my car back.
- You mean your book, right?

Well, of course I mean the car.

(laughs)
Oh, did I say car? I meant car.

Look, you wanna be part of this team?
I got your first assignment.

- Kill your dad.
- Yep.

No. Just distract him.

Keep him away from the kids, though.
I'm gonna do some digging.

Tyler, come on. Come on.

- Come on.
- Oh, no, fuck!

- (screaming)
- (engine revving)

Fuck you!

Come on, come on.
Get down, get down, get down.

Lacey:
Blake, it won't stop!

Fuck! Fuck, I can't!

(grunts)

Oh, no, no! No!

- (screaming continues)
- It's coming, man.

- It's going to find us!
- Not if we don't move.

Oh, please don't run.

Shh, shh.

Stay. Don't run. Don't run.

(engine sputtering)

- (electricity zapping)
- (engine stops)

(whispers)
It stopped.

- It's definitely stopped, man, let's--
- No, don't, don't, don't.

(whispers)
We gotta stay here.

_ Why, man?
Why Is this happening?

I don't know. I don't...

eVving)

- Tyler!
- Tyler, run!

Okay, time for a little drinking game.

Now, the rules are easy, all right?

We go around, and everybody says
the worst thing they've ever done.

If somebody's done that,
you take a drink.

All right? Okay.
I'll go first.

(chuckles)

Recently, I stole a cream colored,
1973 Delta 88 Oldsmobile,

with a bunch of skanky beer cans
in the back, and a creepy old book.

All right, now who's done that?

Nobody? Really?
Come on.

Not one of you was out there
hot rodding around?

Huh?

Jeez, maybe I should've
picked a cooler table.

- I once crashed my mother's Jetta.
- This is not about your mother's Jetta!

Can I PMY?

♪ Great God in heaven,
you know I love you ♪

♪ Whoa, you know I do... ♪

Well, that depends.

- Ever do anything bad?
- No, but the night's still young.

(Ash laughing)

So, we can both agree this car
ain't coming back, right?

" Right?
' (gasps)

Oh, sorry.

- Hey.
- You okay?

Yeah, sorry.
My head's not right lately.

I... I can't eat,

I'm clammy,
and I haven't slept in days.

I'm terrified I'm going to have
another one of my visions.

- It's like looking at hell itself.
- Yo, ese.

Yeah, well, um, hey, man.
I know what you're going through.

You know, I mean, I had some
super dark thoughts, too,

- after my time in Desert Storm.
- Oh, yeah. You were in the army?

I mean, I don't like
to put labels on it.

I'm not comfortable
with that, but, uh,

shooting at Jihadis
affects a man, you know?

- How did you get past it?
- First you have to,

uh, clear your mind.

And then you, uh,
check out your problems.

And one by one,
and you solve them.

You know?
Like, uh, friendly fire mishap.

And, uh, Saudi gold.

Like, uh, Anwar,
the uh, village boy.

It's, uh...

Mm. Your turn.

Okay, please don't listen
to that numbnuts.

Everyone in this world
is plagued by something evil.

You can pour a drink
and you can ignore it.

Or you can stand up
and you can fight it.

Okay, so fight it, man.
Fight your evil.

Yeah, you're right.

I gotta be more like you.
I got to be strong.

Man, you-you don't let
anything get to you.

So, what does that mean?

It means you just roll
with the punches.

You don't need a job,
a boyfriend, or a home.

- Well, I mean, I have a home.
- No, like a stationary home.

You... you don't need anything
to define your worth.

It's impressive.

Yeah, yeah.
It's, uh, it's...

it's definitely impressive.

Thank you.

- Fuck are you doing?
- Just being impressive.

Look how impressive I am!

(panting)

(yelling)

Come on, Tyler! Go!

- (yelling continues)
- Come on.

Tyler: Oh, no!

(screams)

(beeping)

Tyler: God, no, no!

(screaming)

No! Oh, my God!

(screaming)

Man on radio:
Delta has just hit an all time high.

Lacey: No!

- (indistinct chatter, laughter)
- Woman: Hey, girl.

Hey, there you are.

You look cute.

(indistinct conversations)

- (music playing)
- Girls: Trick or treat!

Halloween?
No, you didn't!

Uaughs)

I'm trying to think of something bad,
but I'm such a good girl.

Oh, come on.

You must have one,
teeny, tiny, little flaw.

Well, I did break up
with my boyfriend earlier tonight.

- Oh.
- Uh, that's not how this game...

" Shh!
' $0rry_

Talk to me, Amber.

I don't know what my idiot son
did to land a piece like you.

Blink twice if you're here
against your will.

Strangely,
I'm here of my own volition.

For reasons outside my control,
I need your son.

It's barely visible, but there's something
inside him which makes him...

special.

Is this a biological clock thing?

'Cause basically, Ash and I
have the same "baby formula"

down in the old crotch bottle.

Oh, yeah.
(chuckles)

Mm.

What are you doing?

Just want to see
Bigfoot's big old feet.

Ruby: Okay, that's it.

- (Brock grunting)
- Apologize.

- I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Uh, hold that thought.

What the hell is going on?

You know,
I'm done playing it your way.

From now on, you keep
your gene pool away from me.

- Okay, what'd you do?
- Nothing.

She was waving me in
like a damn air traffic controller.

- I thought she liked me.
- Nobody likes you.

That's why I didn't want you
at this party.

Well, I wanted to die without laying eyes
on my disappointment of a kid again.

- But them's the breaks.
- Yeah?

Well, I'm not a kid anymore.
I'm a man.

What do you say we settle
our differences like men?

What do you got in mind?

(cheering)

Yeah, Jefe, urn,

why not just have
a real conversation with your pops,

and then we can get back to looking
for the book and the Delta.

Pablo, talking is for talkers.

People who talk.
I'm a doer.

Now, friend, kindly step aside

and let this great eagle soar
on the back of that bull.

(cheering)

Okay-

- (grunting)
- ♪ For criminal acts ♪

I And violence on the stage... ♪

Is that the best you got?!

- Whoa, whoa!
- (mechanical bull grunting)

Hey, Pop.
(laughifl9)

- Whoa!
- Yeah!

- Oh, yeah.
- ♪ Go to hell... ♪

- (laughing)
- Jefe!

- Ash: Whoa:
- Whoa:!

The best you got, huh?!

Whoa, whoa!

Not good. Oh, no.

Oh, here we go!
Mayday. Mayday!

- (Ash yelling, grunts)
- (buzzer sounds)

The eagle has landed.

♪ Go to hell I

♪ You're something
that never should have happened... ♪

Controller:
Let's get him up here!

♪ You even make
your grandma sick... ♪

(crowd chanting "Brock")

Leaving so soon?

Yeah, well, we know
the Necronomicon's not showing up here.

And since I wasted all that time
following Ash's dumb plan,

- that's really in the wind.
- Yeah, well, we all waste time.

Important thing is
when we decide to stop.

- What are you doing out here?
- I'm sick of waiting around.

Trying to come up with another plan
so I can take out my frustrations.

I got a plan B.

What?

Look, we might not
be able to find the book,

but we can go after the ones
who are searching for it, the spawn,

and take them out before
they can even summon up Baal.

Come with me.

Why?

Kelly...

You're some immortal ass kicker,

yet you call Ash for help.

- I want to know why.
- I needed help.

You've seen what my children
can do to me alone.

But now I'm starting to see that
it wasn't Ash I was meant to call.

It was you.

Help me.

Then let's go kill your kids.

(cheering)

Let her rip.

- (buzzer sounding)
- Nice and tight.

(grunting)

Careful, Pop.
Don't throw your back out!

(mechanical bull grunting)

What the hell is keeping him on?

- Oh, yeah!
- (screams)

Whoa!

Here we go!

- Show off.
- ♪ You're something ♪

♪ That never
should have happened... ♪

- (buzzer sounding)
- Man: Winner, winner!

- (electricity zapping)
- Winner, winner.

(Amber moans)

Whew, whoa.

All in the ass, son.

You got to clench those cheeks
together nice and tight.

So you get them so hard
you can crack a walnut on them.

- Ooh.
- Ooh, my.

That fanny's hard
as Detroit steel, Daddy.

That ain't the only thing.

I can't believe
you're doing this to me again.

Oh, he always was a sore loser.
Even as a kid, when we played catch.

There's no winners
when you play catch, Pop.

You just throw the ball
back and forth, and you bond.

Yeah, well, I did my best, son,
but somewhere along the line, I lost you.

Yeah, like the day I was born.

No, the day you went
to that cabin and...

And what?
Go ahead, say it.

We're both thinking the same thing.
Say it.

And killed those kids.

And?

And Cheryl.

You took my daughter from me,
goddamn you.

You think I killed Cheryl?

You think I killed my own sister?

What do you want me to believe?
That it was the monsters?

Yeah, Dad, 'cause it's the truth.

Goddamn it, for once in your life,
take some responsibility.

You're the monster, Ash.
You killed them all.

And then you took off,
and left me here to die alone.

I had no choice, Dad.

You were a miserable son of a bitch.

You know that's why
Mom left you, right?

Nothing you can say can hurt me.

You already broke my heart.

Come on, sweetheart.

Never should've come to
this stupid town, Pablo.

Yeah, we didn't pick it.
Evil did.

Jesfis, Maria, y José.
She's a Deadite!

Okay, what are you going to do?!

Okay, this is your plan?

Please stop!

' (crying) Oh, no!
' (Blake groaning)

- Don't!
- I'm sorry we stole you.

_ (Qfunti
mung)

Just let him go.
Please, just let him go.

- (engine revving)
- Sorry.

No!

- No, no, no, no! (screaming)
- (Blake shrieking)

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry.
I love you so much!

I love you, too!

(brakes screech)

- (grunting, coughing)
- (Lacey sobbing)

No, please.

(both screaming)

Stop!

You can't just sit there.

Yes, I can.

My plan failed.

I didn't get the car back.
Didn't get the book back.

- Didn't get the girl.
- Because she was a Deadite.

There's no such thing as a Deadite.
Haven't you talked to my father?

According to him,
I'm the monster.

Mm. I'm the killer.

Mm.

I'm just a lying sack of lard!

Okay, you cannot
just sit there on a stool,

and drink your demons away,
all right?

You got to confront them.
Life doesn't work that way.

Listen, you got to march
into that bathroom,

and you got to show your pops

you're not the guy
that he thinks you are.

You're Ash Williams,
demon hunter,.

Deadite slayer,
friend, hero,

and Jefe.

Okay, I think it's time you introduced
Brock to that great eagle.

(breathing heavily, squawks)

(Squawks)

(in slurred speech)
Hey, sorry, here you go.

- Go, huh, hey-hey, sorry!
- What are you doing?

You're so much better at this
than my dead wife.

(gasping)
Whoa, ho.

- Do you want to know a secret?
- I'd rather you not talk, but sure.

I fucking hate dirty old men.

- What?
- (growling)

(yells) Help!

(distorted)
Don't you want me anymore, Daddy?

- Help!
- (chainsaw buzzing)

Holy shit!

"_Ash?
- Hiya, Pop.

- Got room for a threesome?
- Oh, shit.

(distorted) I'm warning you.
I like it rough.

You're a dirty, dirty girl, Amber.

Believe it or not, Dad,
this is my day job.

Holy shit.

(door opens)

(screams)
It's Ashy Slashy!

Brock: No, no, no, no.
Wait, kid.

Ashy Slashy's going to kill us all!

Hey, relax!
Everything's fine!

- (crowd screaming)
- Don't run, you idiots.

He's going to save us, don't run.

Stop, you damn morons!
My son is a hero!

You hear me?
He's a hero!

You really mean that, Dad?

You think I'm a hero?

Of course I do.

Oh, Ashley.

L-I've wasted so many years
being wrong about you.

One more time?

(sighs)
I was wrong.

But relieved to see what
an honorable man you've become.

Because there's something
I've kept from you.

- What is it, Pop?
- Something so vital that...

the fabric of your life may begin...

- (Lacey screaming)
- (horn honking)

Oh, Dad!

No! Oh, no!

No!

(screaming)

♪ Happy trails to you ♪

I Until we meet again ♪

♪ Happy trails to you ♪

♪ Keep smiling until then ♪

♪ Who cares about the clouds
if we're together? I

♪ Just sing a song,
and bring the sunny weather ♪

♪ Happy trails to you ♪

I Till we meet again ♪

Hey, you knuckleheads,
Ash Williams here.

If someone offers you
a drink of pink fuck,

throw it away,
'cause it's bad shit.

It will mess with your brain,
and not in the good way.

Be smart,
and stay safe out there.

Created by: A. Vandelay
Post Haste Digital