As Time Goes By (1992–2005): Season 9, Episode 3 - The Wedding - full transcript
The day of Alistair and Judy's wedding is here and everyone hopes it will go off without a hitch. But a best man with a broken leg and the threat of an emotional breakdown from Alistair threaten to wreck everything.
# You must remember this
#A kiss is still a kiss
#A sigh is just a sigh
# The fundamental things apply
#As time goes by #
Telephone!
Telephone!
- I'm answering it
- Oh, get out of my way
Hello? Who?
Oh, yes, how are you?
What?
Well, you better tell Alistair
Oh Oh, no, of course you can't Right
Well
No Yeah Well, c'est la vie, all right Yes
Well, goodbye
And good luck
- Who's that?
- The best man He's broken his leg
- That's bad luck
- Bad luck? The man's a fool
That's a bit harsh Who is the best man, anyway?
Was, was, was Gaston somebody or other
- He's a ski instructor
- Can't be very good if he's broken his leg
No, that's why I said he was a fool
Well, why phone here? Why not phone Alistair?
Because he's on his way to hospital,
and contrary to all the laws of nature,
Alistair's mobile is switched off
- Oh, that's right He's gone to see his man again
- What man?
- His Harley Street man
- What about? His toe?
Yeah, I suppose so
Well, he went before
He said there was no problem
Why does he have to see him again?
Well, I don't know
I'm not an expert on toes, am I?
Well, you'll have to do it
- Do what?
- Be best man
I'm giving the bride away
I can't walk down the aisle with Judy
and then nip round
and give Alistair the ring, can I?
Well, perhaps nobody would notice
They would notice, wouldn't they?
- Who are you phoning?
- Well, I'm trying Alistair again
Judy!
Yes, I'm coming
You know, for a small woman,
your mother's got a very loud voice
I wonder what she's panicking about now
She was right You are calm
Yeah, well, one of the happy couple has to be
One?
Yeah I mean, Alistair's been very odd lately
- Odder than usual?
- Yes
Oh, I don't know
He just seems to get very emotional very quickly
- Judy!
- That's happiness
No, not really
He keeps looking as if he wants to cry
- Oh?
- Judy!
Oh, yes!
You've got a loud voice, too Go on, then
- Rocky?
- Yes
Rocky as best man?
Well, why not?
Because he's at least halfway round the bend,
that's why not
- He's your father
- Oh, I know who he is, all right
- He's sweet
- Sweet?
Yes, he is And Alistair thinks so, too
He thinks of him as a sort of soul mate
Yes On a purely practical level,
this is the eleventh hour,
and we know he'd do it
- Well, yes, but
- Yes, so Rocky it is, then
I'll ring him and tell him he's gonna be best man
Er, Mum
Well, ask, I meant ask
No, I meant, don't you think
it really ought to come from Alistair?
- Well, where is Alistair?
- You said he was coming straight round
Well, straight can mean anything, can't it?
Rocky? Rocky?
Of course It's a brilliant idea
It's a shame about your friend Gaston
Well, yes, but it might prove to be
a blessing in disguise
I mean, he's a nice guy, Gaston, but
He's very Gallic
Tends to be a bit over-excitable at times
Oh, really
Right Well, I'd better let Mum know
Mum
Hello
Well, I was just coming to tell you
that Alistair thinks Rocky's a good idea, but
Well, I was just passing the door I
Just passing the door!
- Hello, Alistair
- Hey, hey, lovely lady
- How's your toe?
- Toe?
Yes, you went to see your man about the toe
- Oh, yes, right
- How is it?
Oh, it's fine 100% functional again
So why did you have to see him again?
Well, I Just to, er
Er, rubber-stamp the thing, really
I thought I'd just pop over the road
for a swift half
- I'm your man, Li
- Yes, just before you go, Lionel,
I've just been talking to Alistair about his toe
- Have you?
- You seemed to know about it from the start
Which foot was it?
Which foot?
The left
Which toe?
Third?
Just sit down here, please
- Well?
- Well?
All right, the toe thing was made up
A harmless deception
Well, we'd worked that out for ourselves Why?
- To cover up for the crying
- What crying?
Mine
I told Sandy
you kept looking as if you wanted to cry
And you did the other night
I thought it was a one-off
Well, that's just the trouble It wasn't
I cried a lot I got over-emotional
about the wedding About lots of things
Old films Bits of music Puppies
Oh, Alistair
But I'm okay now I'm over it
I did a trial run with a puppy
just a few minutes ago, and nothing
It was only a side effect in the first place
Side effect from what?
The stuff I was taking to cure the panic attacks
- Oh, this gets worse
- What panic attacks?
Well, when I kept When I kept
- I can't bring myself to say the word, Li
- Swooning He kept swooning
So I took the stuff to stop the swooning
But that made me start crying
But it's okay now because he's given me
some stuff to stop the crying, you see?
Alistair
Are there any possible side effects
to what you're on now?
"Remote", he said "Remote"
And the parrot said, "No, I didn't see a thing
"I got so excited, I fell off me perch"
I've got "pause for laughter" written after that
I shouldn't pause too long
It's a very good joke, that
May I remind you that this is a wedding?
Not a stag night in some vulgar club
The best man's speech should not be
a succession of unfunny jokes
It should contain a few affectionately
humorous remarks about the groom,
and conclude with a toast to the bridesmaids,
or in this case, bridesmaid
Young Sandy I've been very fulsome about her
Well, I don't think that phrases like
"a right little cracker"
and "a great pair of pins" are suitable
Then I suppose you disapprove
of the old uniform, as well?
No, I must admit, you look quite dashing
Coming from you, Mrs Bale,
that borders on the effusive
Come in!
Bad news, Mr Hardcastle
I'm afraid the whole thing is off
Good God The wedding?
No, no, no, no, no Us wearing our uniforms
I seem to have expanded out of mine
Yes, you have, rather
I did ask Mother if she could help,
but she didn't have any genuine khaki
I mean, she did suggest
a bit of velvet round the back, brown,
but I didn't think that would look right
- No, probably not
- No, no
I'll wear my Sunday suit, then, shall I?
I'm sure you'll look very smart
But please, not that awful tie
with the woman on it
- I gave him that
- Exactly
Me and my brothers
will be bringing round the flowers
first thing in the morning
That's a bit last gasp, isn't it?
No, it is not, because we want them to be fresh
And what about the grub steaks?
The "grub steaks", as you call them,
are totally organised
And the church looks lovely
And Mother's finished knitting the gloves
for the bride
Well, we're in good order, then
And you take it from me,
it's going to be a perfect day tomorrow
What's the shipping forecast, Mrs Bale?
Choppy in the Channel,
but nothing that should affect us
Right, there you are Here's to a perfect day!
Shouldn't we be raising a glass?
Quite right
Whip us up three of your Spitting Cobras,
would you, Mrs Bale?
Combat fatigue?
I said I'd stack the dishwasher,
but I'm buying time, actually
- A glass of wine?
- Oh, yes, please
Oh, why is everyone in here?
Erm, I'm helping Lionel to stack the dishwasher
- Talk about leaving it to the last minute
- The wedding's tomorrow
No, Penny and Stephen
Penny phoned to say they will be coming
No invitation to tea with HMQ, then?
- Apparently not
- It's weird, isn't it?
Stephen gets an OBE for services to dentistry,
and we haven't seen them since
I thought she'd have been up here showing off
Well, I suppose we're the hoi polloi, now
Anyway, I expect she's got to do
the whole of Hampshire first
Anyway, they're coming
Oh, now, talking of the wedding
No, no, no, talking of the wedding
I think we should leave here at six in the morning
That'll get us there by 8:00
The ceremony's not till 3:00
Judy and Sandy have to change
Yes We shall need seven hours
- Seven?
- Sorry
Six will be fine, won't it, Lionel?
Absolutely essential by the sound of things
What is that?
Oh, well, I was going to do a seating plan,
but as it's a buffet,
I thought I'd do a standing plan
You can't tell people where to stand
No, I know
- Have a glass of wine
- Well, just one
What are those two interlocking red hearts?
That's you and Harry
Oh, all right I know, I know
Mrs Make-Everything-Right
But it will be
Look, you've worked your socks off,
and tomorrow everything will be fine
I wish I shared your confidence
Look, you've checked everything more thoroughly
than the CIA could ever aspire to
- What can go wrong?
- Alistair
Assuming he doesn't faint or burst into tears,
what else might he do?
Morning, morning
- Hi, Lol
- Good morning, Lol
I thought Rocky promised no fireworks
Yes, he did
But Mrs Bale allowed him just one rocket
to herald our arrival
We're on the early side, I'm afraid
Oh, not a bit of it We've all been up for hours
Mrs Bale's doing a huge fry-up for you all
Excellent, just the job
There's rather a lot, Lol You'll need a hand
Don't you worry about that
My brothers will do all that
We've got the whole village mobilised
Oh, incidentally, Miss
My brothers all send their very warm regards
Oh, how sweet of them
Give them my love
Best make that best wishes
We don't want them
getting their hopes up, do we?
I suppose not
Good Lord
Good morning!
Looks like something out of King's Rhapsody.
Rocky! You look marvellous
- Oh, Miss
- Yes, love?
From Mother
She said I had to give them to you personal
Oh, thank you Erm, thanks
Her little tradition, you see
Oh, how lovely Thank you
- Look, Sandy, aren't they? They're lovely
- Yes, they're perfect
You don't have to wear them
at the ceremony, of course
Perhaps on the honeymoon
Yes
It'll match your going-away dress
Yes
- Oh, good afternoon
- Good afternoon
I'm 82
- Are you really?
- I'll be 83 in September
How nice
- Alistair's here
- Oh, how is he?
Oh, I don't know I just saw the car
- Who's that?
- I haven't the faintest idea
The bridegroom has arrived But don't worry,
I've secured the bride in her room
- "Secured"?
- Asked her not to come out
Oh, right Oh, Mrs Bale, the room looks lovely
- We've done our best
- Mrs Bale,
who is that?
Mrs Twillet She's the flower watcher
- The what?
- The flower watcher
It's an old custom here
The Twillets have always done it
- Why should she watch the flowers?
- Nobody really remembers
But we don't want to break with tradition, do we?
Mrs Bale, have I ever told you
you bear an uncanny resemblance
to Claudia Schiffer?
No And don't start now
Mom and Pop-in-law,
what a wonderful day for a wedding!
Oh, Alistair, how are you? How are you feeling?
Think of Lake Placid, and you've got me
Who is that?
- She's an old village custom, apparently
- Really?
Good afternoon
I have a brother who's 96
Have you really?
He'll be 97 in November
Excellent
Way to go
Shall we, erm
Well, almost time for the off
Rocky's just polishing his medals
- You look very svelte, Li
- "Svelte"?
And as for you, lovely lady, what can I say?
Just assure me that you really are all right
I am I am
No sign of the dizziness at all,
and as for the other stuff,
I checked on the way down
by looking at some lambs in a field
And it was fine
Well, thank goodness
Erm, I don't want to seem cred-obsessed,
but you haven't told anyone else, have you?
No, we haven't We don't want
the entire congregation on tenterhooks
I wonder how long she stays
She looks set in for the summer to me
Not a petal has dropped, Mrs Twillet?
# Nor shall they
# They are safe #
- You would be the bridegroom
- I certainly would
So, then
That's that done Goodbye
- Goodbye
- Goodbye
Goodbye
- What was all that about, Mrs Bale?
- Nobody knows
The Witchfinder General
would have had a whale of a time down here
Mrs Hardcastle, you should be leaving for
the church in three and a half minutes
Yes, Mrs Bale
You're very quiet
Yes, I may have panicked during the last few days,
but I feel very calm now
Ex-chillente Everyone's calm
One is calm
Well
Oh, my God
I can't move my legs
- Oh, perfect
- Come on, Alistair, you're fine
No, I'm not I can't move I'm paralysed
It must be a side effect
of the stuff I was taking for the crying
Or maybe it's a double side effect
combined with the stuff I was taking
for the fainting!
- What am I gonna do?
- Oh, shut up, do!
Side effects and side effects from side effects?
I'm sick of hearing about them
It's nothing but a blue funk
And if you think I'm going to let you
spoil Judy's day, you've got another think coming
Now get up and get to that church
and marry my daughter!
I'm up! I'm up!
- Now, take it slowly
- Rubbish Just walk
Li, this is some lady you've got here
Yes, I know
Tough love, eh?
- Where did you learn that?
- Long before there was a fancy name for it
- Come on young fellow-me-lad
- On my way, Rocky
On my way
I am Really, I am
- I can't move my legs now
- I'll see you in church
I'll see you in church
Oh, and incidentally, will you marry me?
Oh Oh, all right
Which reminds me of a rather funny story
about a parrot with no feet
Oh, my word
I'm ready
- We are starting on the left foot, aren't we?
- On the left
Your father would have been
very proud of you, you know
Thanks, Lionel
So am I, as a matter of fact
- Where's Stephen?
- Who?
Oh, Stephen He's back there somewhere
- Why isn't he with you?
- Because I'm not speaking to him
Oh, Penny, why?
Because he's simply
Will the congregation please be seated
We've come together to witness the marriage
of Alistair and Judith,
to pray for God's blessing on them,
to share their joy,
and to celebrate
Marriage is a gift of God in creation
through which husband and wife
may know the grace of God
It is given that as man and woman
grow together in love
Alistair, will you take Judith to be your wife?
Will you love her, comfort her,
honour and protect her,
and, forsaking all others,
be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?
I will
Judith, will you take Alistair to be your husband?
Will you love him, comfort him,
honour and protect him,
and, forsaking all others,
be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?
I will
Who giveth this woman to
be married to this man?
I do
Alistair and Ju
Alistair and Judith, I now invite you to joins hands
and make your vows in the presence of God
death us do part, according to God's holy law
Mothballs
Judith, I give you this ring
as a sign of our marriage
Judith, I give you this ring
as a sign of our marriage
- With my body I honour you
- With my body I honour you
- All that I am I give to you
- All that I am I give to you
- All that I have I share with you
- All that I have I share with you
Within the love of God
Alistair and Judith have given their consent
and made their marriage vows to each other
I therefore proclaim
that they are husband and wife
Those whom God has joined together
let no one put asunder
Cheese!
One more, please
Cheese!
- Look, it's Harry
- Yes, so it is
- Hello, Harry
- Hello, Sandy
- Have a drink
- No, really I'm fine
No, no, really Nonsense, it's a wedding
Jan, come and meet some people
I'd like you to meet
- You look lovely
- Thank you
So, when are you leaving?
Oh, I don't have to go
I've got the whole weekend off
No, I meant Canada
Oh, right, Canada
Wednesday
- That soon?
- Yeah
- You do look lovely
- Oh, it's the dress
No, it's not
Ah, now you're the young fellow
I've been looking for
You're the Mountie, aren't you?
No, sir I'm going on attachment to the Mounties
I knew it was something like that
- Sandy, can you spare a minute?
- Yes, of course
Excuse us
You know, a little birdie tells me that
you used to be very sweet on young Sandy
- Well, wouldn't you be?
- Oh, I would
Why aren't you taking her with you, then?
Well, I don't know
Well, I do I haven't asked her
You don't look like a simpleton
- The thing is
- Yeah?
The thing is, I'm only a copper
It's not a lot to offer
- And Canada
- It's a fine country
Yes, but it's another continent
Look, what you need, my boy,
is a spot of Dutch courage
- Go on, drink up
- I'm not really used to champagne
Oh, harmless! Good heavens, I could down
a bottle of that stuff when I was eight years old
- There Cheers
- What the hell Cheers
Cheers
What's Judy doing? She's taken Sandy off
It has to be said, I think you picked
the wrong place to arrange a tryst
- Well, it's all these people
- Well, that's what I meant
Hello
- Oh, hello, Stephen
- Stop following me about
I came from a different direction
What is wrong with you two?
- Ask him
- Stephen?
I may as well tell you
- You know Stephen's OBE?
- Yes
- He didn't get it
- What do you mean, he didn't get it?
He turned it down
- Stephen, why?
- Well, I didn't mean to
It's forms, you see
I've never been very good with forms
There's this form
from Downing Street, as we call it
You have the option of accepting
or declining the honour
Boxes to tick
I must have ticked the wrong box,
'cause we never heard back
Look, it's not funny It's a public humiliation
It can't be public if nobody knows about it
A humiliation, then
I had the same problem
with my last passport application
Kept ticking the wrong boxes
Thing went back and forth about ten times
before I got it right
And the visa application when we went to America
- What, same thing?
- Yes
He ticked the box that time
declaring he was mentally unstable
Not far from the truth, is it?
Oh, do stop following me about
- Look, have you seen Sandy?
- I've been talking to you
Oh, well, go and prise Harry from Rocky
and find her
- Ooh, I know what I wanted to ask you
- What is it, Stephen?
Have you ever played with a Game Boy?
No, I said you don't see
many firkins around these days
Oh, well, they usually have them in
fish and chip shops
- Fish and chip shops?
- In jars
You're not talking about firkins,
you're talking about gherkins
- Harry?
- Well done with the speech, my boy
I'm glad you got in that joke about the parrot
- Didn't go awfully well, did it?
- Well, I laughed
Thanks
Would you mind if I borrow Harry for a bit?
No, no Of course not
I wanted to have a word with young Sandy
Ah, there she is
- Why do you want to borrow me?
- Well, because, um
- Because
- I'm not worthy of her, you know
Look, just stay here for a minute
Erm, have another glass of champagne
It's just a question of pressing the right buttons
at the right time, really
Look, sorry to interrupt, Stephen
- Look, Sandy's back
- Oh, where?
She's over there, but Rocky's collared her now
Oh, if only we'd had a seating plan,
this wouldn't have happened
Look, excuse me, Stephen Come on
No, decisive action, you see
Now, if I was Harry, and I was going to Canada
Rocky, I don't want to seem rude,
but I'm getting a little bit fed up
with sentences that begin with "if I were Harry"
Point taken I'm sorry, my dear
Sandy, you should be talking to Harry
- Should I, really?
- Yes
- Lionel
- Resistance is futile
Harry? Harry, look
It's Sandy!
Hello again, Harry
You look lovely
- You said that
- Yes, but you do
Sandy, I've been
Ladies and gentlemen,
the bride and groom are leaving
Just hold the thought, Harry
Bye, Lionel
Good luck, Judy
Bye, Mum Thanks for everything
- You'll be in touch
- Yes
- Pop-in-law
- Lionel
Oh, all right, just this once Lionel
- Look after her, Alistair
- You bet And hey,
thanks again for seeing to my legs
- Is this something I should know about?
- Never Off you go
- Bye
- Bye
The bouquet! The bouquet!
Oh, right!
To the right, to the right
Oh, dear I wasn't supposed to do that, was I?
Sorry, Mum
- Bye! Bye!
- Bye!
They've gone
- You always wanted them to
- I know
Come on
How many people do you know
who've turned down OBEs?
Well, none
Well, there you are, then
It marks out Stephen as an individual
Yeah A sort of maverick
Yes, if you like
With a sort of dangerous edge
You sure it doesn't make him
look a complete fool?
Of course not,
'cause he never reveals the real reason
If anyone asks him, he just looks enigmatic
and says, "I'd rather not discuss it"
Put like that, it sounds positively intriguing
- Yes, yes it does
- Well, there you are, then
Stephen, what are you doing?
Looking enigmatic
That's not enigmatic
You just look vacant
- Do we have to stay till the end?
- Yes, of course we have to stay till the end
- I can't see Harry and Sandy anywhere
- Oh, don't let's start all that again
No, but it's such a perfect moment
for Harry to say something
I don't think he's got the nerve
Still, 50% success rate
I best be off now
It's nearly time for Mother's Bovril
Thanks for coming, Lol
No, thank you for asking me A really grand do
It'll go down in village history, this will
- Have you got the wedding cake for your mother?
- Oh, rather
She put her best teeth in to eat that
Goodbye
The choppy Channel came to nothing,
and I've made you up a bedroom
Why?
Because you shouldn't drive home
in your condition
I'm not in a condition
It would be very nice Thank you, Mrs Bale
Come on, Mrs Bale, I fancy a tango
They're not playing a tango
Oh, stop nitpicking
What about you? Do you fancy a shuffle round?
Only if we smooch
That's taken as read
Oh, look! Oh, look!
What am I supposed to be looking at?
Harry and Sandy
Together at last
Where there's life, there's hope
He passed out
# You must remember this
#A kiss is still a kiss
#A sigh is just a sigh
# The fundamental things apply
#As time goes by
#And when two lovers woo
# They still say, "I love you"
# On that you can rely
# The world will always welcome lovers
#As time goes by #
#A kiss is still a kiss
#A sigh is just a sigh
# The fundamental things apply
#As time goes by #
Telephone!
Telephone!
- I'm answering it
- Oh, get out of my way
Hello? Who?
Oh, yes, how are you?
What?
Well, you better tell Alistair
Oh Oh, no, of course you can't Right
Well
No Yeah Well, c'est la vie, all right Yes
Well, goodbye
And good luck
- Who's that?
- The best man He's broken his leg
- That's bad luck
- Bad luck? The man's a fool
That's a bit harsh Who is the best man, anyway?
Was, was, was Gaston somebody or other
- He's a ski instructor
- Can't be very good if he's broken his leg
No, that's why I said he was a fool
Well, why phone here? Why not phone Alistair?
Because he's on his way to hospital,
and contrary to all the laws of nature,
Alistair's mobile is switched off
- Oh, that's right He's gone to see his man again
- What man?
- His Harley Street man
- What about? His toe?
Yeah, I suppose so
Well, he went before
He said there was no problem
Why does he have to see him again?
Well, I don't know
I'm not an expert on toes, am I?
Well, you'll have to do it
- Do what?
- Be best man
I'm giving the bride away
I can't walk down the aisle with Judy
and then nip round
and give Alistair the ring, can I?
Well, perhaps nobody would notice
They would notice, wouldn't they?
- Who are you phoning?
- Well, I'm trying Alistair again
Judy!
Yes, I'm coming
You know, for a small woman,
your mother's got a very loud voice
I wonder what she's panicking about now
She was right You are calm
Yeah, well, one of the happy couple has to be
One?
Yeah I mean, Alistair's been very odd lately
- Odder than usual?
- Yes
Oh, I don't know
He just seems to get very emotional very quickly
- Judy!
- That's happiness
No, not really
He keeps looking as if he wants to cry
- Oh?
- Judy!
Oh, yes!
You've got a loud voice, too Go on, then
- Rocky?
- Yes
Rocky as best man?
Well, why not?
Because he's at least halfway round the bend,
that's why not
- He's your father
- Oh, I know who he is, all right
- He's sweet
- Sweet?
Yes, he is And Alistair thinks so, too
He thinks of him as a sort of soul mate
Yes On a purely practical level,
this is the eleventh hour,
and we know he'd do it
- Well, yes, but
- Yes, so Rocky it is, then
I'll ring him and tell him he's gonna be best man
Er, Mum
Well, ask, I meant ask
No, I meant, don't you think
it really ought to come from Alistair?
- Well, where is Alistair?
- You said he was coming straight round
Well, straight can mean anything, can't it?
Rocky? Rocky?
Of course It's a brilliant idea
It's a shame about your friend Gaston
Well, yes, but it might prove to be
a blessing in disguise
I mean, he's a nice guy, Gaston, but
He's very Gallic
Tends to be a bit over-excitable at times
Oh, really
Right Well, I'd better let Mum know
Mum
Hello
Well, I was just coming to tell you
that Alistair thinks Rocky's a good idea, but
Well, I was just passing the door I
Just passing the door!
- Hello, Alistair
- Hey, hey, lovely lady
- How's your toe?
- Toe?
Yes, you went to see your man about the toe
- Oh, yes, right
- How is it?
Oh, it's fine 100% functional again
So why did you have to see him again?
Well, I Just to, er
Er, rubber-stamp the thing, really
I thought I'd just pop over the road
for a swift half
- I'm your man, Li
- Yes, just before you go, Lionel,
I've just been talking to Alistair about his toe
- Have you?
- You seemed to know about it from the start
Which foot was it?
Which foot?
The left
Which toe?
Third?
Just sit down here, please
- Well?
- Well?
All right, the toe thing was made up
A harmless deception
Well, we'd worked that out for ourselves Why?
- To cover up for the crying
- What crying?
Mine
I told Sandy
you kept looking as if you wanted to cry
And you did the other night
I thought it was a one-off
Well, that's just the trouble It wasn't
I cried a lot I got over-emotional
about the wedding About lots of things
Old films Bits of music Puppies
Oh, Alistair
But I'm okay now I'm over it
I did a trial run with a puppy
just a few minutes ago, and nothing
It was only a side effect in the first place
Side effect from what?
The stuff I was taking to cure the panic attacks
- Oh, this gets worse
- What panic attacks?
Well, when I kept When I kept
- I can't bring myself to say the word, Li
- Swooning He kept swooning
So I took the stuff to stop the swooning
But that made me start crying
But it's okay now because he's given me
some stuff to stop the crying, you see?
Alistair
Are there any possible side effects
to what you're on now?
"Remote", he said "Remote"
And the parrot said, "No, I didn't see a thing
"I got so excited, I fell off me perch"
I've got "pause for laughter" written after that
I shouldn't pause too long
It's a very good joke, that
May I remind you that this is a wedding?
Not a stag night in some vulgar club
The best man's speech should not be
a succession of unfunny jokes
It should contain a few affectionately
humorous remarks about the groom,
and conclude with a toast to the bridesmaids,
or in this case, bridesmaid
Young Sandy I've been very fulsome about her
Well, I don't think that phrases like
"a right little cracker"
and "a great pair of pins" are suitable
Then I suppose you disapprove
of the old uniform, as well?
No, I must admit, you look quite dashing
Coming from you, Mrs Bale,
that borders on the effusive
Come in!
Bad news, Mr Hardcastle
I'm afraid the whole thing is off
Good God The wedding?
No, no, no, no, no Us wearing our uniforms
I seem to have expanded out of mine
Yes, you have, rather
I did ask Mother if she could help,
but she didn't have any genuine khaki
I mean, she did suggest
a bit of velvet round the back, brown,
but I didn't think that would look right
- No, probably not
- No, no
I'll wear my Sunday suit, then, shall I?
I'm sure you'll look very smart
But please, not that awful tie
with the woman on it
- I gave him that
- Exactly
Me and my brothers
will be bringing round the flowers
first thing in the morning
That's a bit last gasp, isn't it?
No, it is not, because we want them to be fresh
And what about the grub steaks?
The "grub steaks", as you call them,
are totally organised
And the church looks lovely
And Mother's finished knitting the gloves
for the bride
Well, we're in good order, then
And you take it from me,
it's going to be a perfect day tomorrow
What's the shipping forecast, Mrs Bale?
Choppy in the Channel,
but nothing that should affect us
Right, there you are Here's to a perfect day!
Shouldn't we be raising a glass?
Quite right
Whip us up three of your Spitting Cobras,
would you, Mrs Bale?
Combat fatigue?
I said I'd stack the dishwasher,
but I'm buying time, actually
- A glass of wine?
- Oh, yes, please
Oh, why is everyone in here?
Erm, I'm helping Lionel to stack the dishwasher
- Talk about leaving it to the last minute
- The wedding's tomorrow
No, Penny and Stephen
Penny phoned to say they will be coming
No invitation to tea with HMQ, then?
- Apparently not
- It's weird, isn't it?
Stephen gets an OBE for services to dentistry,
and we haven't seen them since
I thought she'd have been up here showing off
Well, I suppose we're the hoi polloi, now
Anyway, I expect she's got to do
the whole of Hampshire first
Anyway, they're coming
Oh, now, talking of the wedding
No, no, no, talking of the wedding
I think we should leave here at six in the morning
That'll get us there by 8:00
The ceremony's not till 3:00
Judy and Sandy have to change
Yes We shall need seven hours
- Seven?
- Sorry
Six will be fine, won't it, Lionel?
Absolutely essential by the sound of things
What is that?
Oh, well, I was going to do a seating plan,
but as it's a buffet,
I thought I'd do a standing plan
You can't tell people where to stand
No, I know
- Have a glass of wine
- Well, just one
What are those two interlocking red hearts?
That's you and Harry
Oh, all right I know, I know
Mrs Make-Everything-Right
But it will be
Look, you've worked your socks off,
and tomorrow everything will be fine
I wish I shared your confidence
Look, you've checked everything more thoroughly
than the CIA could ever aspire to
- What can go wrong?
- Alistair
Assuming he doesn't faint or burst into tears,
what else might he do?
Morning, morning
- Hi, Lol
- Good morning, Lol
I thought Rocky promised no fireworks
Yes, he did
But Mrs Bale allowed him just one rocket
to herald our arrival
We're on the early side, I'm afraid
Oh, not a bit of it We've all been up for hours
Mrs Bale's doing a huge fry-up for you all
Excellent, just the job
There's rather a lot, Lol You'll need a hand
Don't you worry about that
My brothers will do all that
We've got the whole village mobilised
Oh, incidentally, Miss
My brothers all send their very warm regards
Oh, how sweet of them
Give them my love
Best make that best wishes
We don't want them
getting their hopes up, do we?
I suppose not
Good Lord
Good morning!
Looks like something out of King's Rhapsody.
Rocky! You look marvellous
- Oh, Miss
- Yes, love?
From Mother
She said I had to give them to you personal
Oh, thank you Erm, thanks
Her little tradition, you see
Oh, how lovely Thank you
- Look, Sandy, aren't they? They're lovely
- Yes, they're perfect
You don't have to wear them
at the ceremony, of course
Perhaps on the honeymoon
Yes
It'll match your going-away dress
Yes
- Oh, good afternoon
- Good afternoon
I'm 82
- Are you really?
- I'll be 83 in September
How nice
- Alistair's here
- Oh, how is he?
Oh, I don't know I just saw the car
- Who's that?
- I haven't the faintest idea
The bridegroom has arrived But don't worry,
I've secured the bride in her room
- "Secured"?
- Asked her not to come out
Oh, right Oh, Mrs Bale, the room looks lovely
- We've done our best
- Mrs Bale,
who is that?
Mrs Twillet She's the flower watcher
- The what?
- The flower watcher
It's an old custom here
The Twillets have always done it
- Why should she watch the flowers?
- Nobody really remembers
But we don't want to break with tradition, do we?
Mrs Bale, have I ever told you
you bear an uncanny resemblance
to Claudia Schiffer?
No And don't start now
Mom and Pop-in-law,
what a wonderful day for a wedding!
Oh, Alistair, how are you? How are you feeling?
Think of Lake Placid, and you've got me
Who is that?
- She's an old village custom, apparently
- Really?
Good afternoon
I have a brother who's 96
Have you really?
He'll be 97 in November
Excellent
Way to go
Shall we, erm
Well, almost time for the off
Rocky's just polishing his medals
- You look very svelte, Li
- "Svelte"?
And as for you, lovely lady, what can I say?
Just assure me that you really are all right
I am I am
No sign of the dizziness at all,
and as for the other stuff,
I checked on the way down
by looking at some lambs in a field
And it was fine
Well, thank goodness
Erm, I don't want to seem cred-obsessed,
but you haven't told anyone else, have you?
No, we haven't We don't want
the entire congregation on tenterhooks
I wonder how long she stays
She looks set in for the summer to me
Not a petal has dropped, Mrs Twillet?
# Nor shall they
# They are safe #
- You would be the bridegroom
- I certainly would
So, then
That's that done Goodbye
- Goodbye
- Goodbye
Goodbye
- What was all that about, Mrs Bale?
- Nobody knows
The Witchfinder General
would have had a whale of a time down here
Mrs Hardcastle, you should be leaving for
the church in three and a half minutes
Yes, Mrs Bale
You're very quiet
Yes, I may have panicked during the last few days,
but I feel very calm now
Ex-chillente Everyone's calm
One is calm
Well
Oh, my God
I can't move my legs
- Oh, perfect
- Come on, Alistair, you're fine
No, I'm not I can't move I'm paralysed
It must be a side effect
of the stuff I was taking for the crying
Or maybe it's a double side effect
combined with the stuff I was taking
for the fainting!
- What am I gonna do?
- Oh, shut up, do!
Side effects and side effects from side effects?
I'm sick of hearing about them
It's nothing but a blue funk
And if you think I'm going to let you
spoil Judy's day, you've got another think coming
Now get up and get to that church
and marry my daughter!
I'm up! I'm up!
- Now, take it slowly
- Rubbish Just walk
Li, this is some lady you've got here
Yes, I know
Tough love, eh?
- Where did you learn that?
- Long before there was a fancy name for it
- Come on young fellow-me-lad
- On my way, Rocky
On my way
I am Really, I am
- I can't move my legs now
- I'll see you in church
I'll see you in church
Oh, and incidentally, will you marry me?
Oh Oh, all right
Which reminds me of a rather funny story
about a parrot with no feet
Oh, my word
I'm ready
- We are starting on the left foot, aren't we?
- On the left
Your father would have been
very proud of you, you know
Thanks, Lionel
So am I, as a matter of fact
- Where's Stephen?
- Who?
Oh, Stephen He's back there somewhere
- Why isn't he with you?
- Because I'm not speaking to him
Oh, Penny, why?
Because he's simply
Will the congregation please be seated
We've come together to witness the marriage
of Alistair and Judith,
to pray for God's blessing on them,
to share their joy,
and to celebrate
Marriage is a gift of God in creation
through which husband and wife
may know the grace of God
It is given that as man and woman
grow together in love
Alistair, will you take Judith to be your wife?
Will you love her, comfort her,
honour and protect her,
and, forsaking all others,
be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?
I will
Judith, will you take Alistair to be your husband?
Will you love him, comfort him,
honour and protect him,
and, forsaking all others,
be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?
I will
Who giveth this woman to
be married to this man?
I do
Alistair and Ju
Alistair and Judith, I now invite you to joins hands
and make your vows in the presence of God
death us do part, according to God's holy law
Mothballs
Judith, I give you this ring
as a sign of our marriage
Judith, I give you this ring
as a sign of our marriage
- With my body I honour you
- With my body I honour you
- All that I am I give to you
- All that I am I give to you
- All that I have I share with you
- All that I have I share with you
Within the love of God
Alistair and Judith have given their consent
and made their marriage vows to each other
I therefore proclaim
that they are husband and wife
Those whom God has joined together
let no one put asunder
Cheese!
One more, please
Cheese!
- Look, it's Harry
- Yes, so it is
- Hello, Harry
- Hello, Sandy
- Have a drink
- No, really I'm fine
No, no, really Nonsense, it's a wedding
Jan, come and meet some people
I'd like you to meet
- You look lovely
- Thank you
So, when are you leaving?
Oh, I don't have to go
I've got the whole weekend off
No, I meant Canada
Oh, right, Canada
Wednesday
- That soon?
- Yeah
- You do look lovely
- Oh, it's the dress
No, it's not
Ah, now you're the young fellow
I've been looking for
You're the Mountie, aren't you?
No, sir I'm going on attachment to the Mounties
I knew it was something like that
- Sandy, can you spare a minute?
- Yes, of course
Excuse us
You know, a little birdie tells me that
you used to be very sweet on young Sandy
- Well, wouldn't you be?
- Oh, I would
Why aren't you taking her with you, then?
Well, I don't know
Well, I do I haven't asked her
You don't look like a simpleton
- The thing is
- Yeah?
The thing is, I'm only a copper
It's not a lot to offer
- And Canada
- It's a fine country
Yes, but it's another continent
Look, what you need, my boy,
is a spot of Dutch courage
- Go on, drink up
- I'm not really used to champagne
Oh, harmless! Good heavens, I could down
a bottle of that stuff when I was eight years old
- There Cheers
- What the hell Cheers
Cheers
What's Judy doing? She's taken Sandy off
It has to be said, I think you picked
the wrong place to arrange a tryst
- Well, it's all these people
- Well, that's what I meant
Hello
- Oh, hello, Stephen
- Stop following me about
I came from a different direction
What is wrong with you two?
- Ask him
- Stephen?
I may as well tell you
- You know Stephen's OBE?
- Yes
- He didn't get it
- What do you mean, he didn't get it?
He turned it down
- Stephen, why?
- Well, I didn't mean to
It's forms, you see
I've never been very good with forms
There's this form
from Downing Street, as we call it
You have the option of accepting
or declining the honour
Boxes to tick
I must have ticked the wrong box,
'cause we never heard back
Look, it's not funny It's a public humiliation
It can't be public if nobody knows about it
A humiliation, then
I had the same problem
with my last passport application
Kept ticking the wrong boxes
Thing went back and forth about ten times
before I got it right
And the visa application when we went to America
- What, same thing?
- Yes
He ticked the box that time
declaring he was mentally unstable
Not far from the truth, is it?
Oh, do stop following me about
- Look, have you seen Sandy?
- I've been talking to you
Oh, well, go and prise Harry from Rocky
and find her
- Ooh, I know what I wanted to ask you
- What is it, Stephen?
Have you ever played with a Game Boy?
No, I said you don't see
many firkins around these days
Oh, well, they usually have them in
fish and chip shops
- Fish and chip shops?
- In jars
You're not talking about firkins,
you're talking about gherkins
- Harry?
- Well done with the speech, my boy
I'm glad you got in that joke about the parrot
- Didn't go awfully well, did it?
- Well, I laughed
Thanks
Would you mind if I borrow Harry for a bit?
No, no Of course not
I wanted to have a word with young Sandy
Ah, there she is
- Why do you want to borrow me?
- Well, because, um
- Because
- I'm not worthy of her, you know
Look, just stay here for a minute
Erm, have another glass of champagne
It's just a question of pressing the right buttons
at the right time, really
Look, sorry to interrupt, Stephen
- Look, Sandy's back
- Oh, where?
She's over there, but Rocky's collared her now
Oh, if only we'd had a seating plan,
this wouldn't have happened
Look, excuse me, Stephen Come on
No, decisive action, you see
Now, if I was Harry, and I was going to Canada
Rocky, I don't want to seem rude,
but I'm getting a little bit fed up
with sentences that begin with "if I were Harry"
Point taken I'm sorry, my dear
Sandy, you should be talking to Harry
- Should I, really?
- Yes
- Lionel
- Resistance is futile
Harry? Harry, look
It's Sandy!
Hello again, Harry
You look lovely
- You said that
- Yes, but you do
Sandy, I've been
Ladies and gentlemen,
the bride and groom are leaving
Just hold the thought, Harry
Bye, Lionel
Good luck, Judy
Bye, Mum Thanks for everything
- You'll be in touch
- Yes
- Pop-in-law
- Lionel
Oh, all right, just this once Lionel
- Look after her, Alistair
- You bet And hey,
thanks again for seeing to my legs
- Is this something I should know about?
- Never Off you go
- Bye
- Bye
The bouquet! The bouquet!
Oh, right!
To the right, to the right
Oh, dear I wasn't supposed to do that, was I?
Sorry, Mum
- Bye! Bye!
- Bye!
They've gone
- You always wanted them to
- I know
Come on
How many people do you know
who've turned down OBEs?
Well, none
Well, there you are, then
It marks out Stephen as an individual
Yeah A sort of maverick
Yes, if you like
With a sort of dangerous edge
You sure it doesn't make him
look a complete fool?
Of course not,
'cause he never reveals the real reason
If anyone asks him, he just looks enigmatic
and says, "I'd rather not discuss it"
Put like that, it sounds positively intriguing
- Yes, yes it does
- Well, there you are, then
Stephen, what are you doing?
Looking enigmatic
That's not enigmatic
You just look vacant
- Do we have to stay till the end?
- Yes, of course we have to stay till the end
- I can't see Harry and Sandy anywhere
- Oh, don't let's start all that again
No, but it's such a perfect moment
for Harry to say something
I don't think he's got the nerve
Still, 50% success rate
I best be off now
It's nearly time for Mother's Bovril
Thanks for coming, Lol
No, thank you for asking me A really grand do
It'll go down in village history, this will
- Have you got the wedding cake for your mother?
- Oh, rather
She put her best teeth in to eat that
Goodbye
The choppy Channel came to nothing,
and I've made you up a bedroom
Why?
Because you shouldn't drive home
in your condition
I'm not in a condition
It would be very nice Thank you, Mrs Bale
Come on, Mrs Bale, I fancy a tango
They're not playing a tango
Oh, stop nitpicking
What about you? Do you fancy a shuffle round?
Only if we smooch
That's taken as read
Oh, look! Oh, look!
What am I supposed to be looking at?
Harry and Sandy
Together at last
Where there's life, there's hope
He passed out
# You must remember this
#A kiss is still a kiss
#A sigh is just a sigh
# The fundamental things apply
#As time goes by
#And when two lovers woo
# They still say, "I love you"
# On that you can rely
# The world will always welcome lovers
#As time goes by #