As Time Goes By (1992–2005): Season 9, Episode 1 - Time to Settle Down - full transcript
It seems like Judy and Sandy might be finally settling down when Alistair proposes again to Judy and Sandy gets a visit from Harry. But Harry's visit doesn't bring the best of tidings.
# You must remember this
#A kiss is still a kiss
#A sigh is just a sigh
# The fundamental things apply
#As time goes by #
- Postman Pat's been
- In his little red van?
- No, he's got a soppy trolley with big wheels
- Not the same, is it?
Nothing's the same I mean, look at all this lot
Did I ask for it? Did you ask for it?
Did these people ask our permission
to send us all this?
- No, so we have to wade through it every morning
- Well, that's hardly wading through it
At least have a look
There might be something interesting,
something piquant
- Piquant?
- Yes
- I mean, for instance, would you like a stair lift?
- No, I would not
Oh! They come in a choice of three colours
I see you in maroon
Now, let's see Oh!
So much for your wading through it,
you threw away a postcard from America
- Oh, how sweet It's from Lillian Stevens
- Is it?
- You don't know who that is, do you?
- Yes, I do She's American
- And?
- And it was very nice of her to send us a card
Lillian Stevens,
that nice lady we met in Los Angeles
Yeah, I know that
- Very tall
- No
- Long black hair
- No
- She wore very tight leather trousers
- No, she didn't!
- You sure?
- I'm positive
- Well, somebody did
- Yes, well, obviously somebody did
Anyway, Lillian,
the real Lillian, sends you her love
Thank you
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(JEAN SIGHING)
Lillian also says
that if you're thinking of a stair lift,
get one in maroon
- Oh, hello
- Hello
Harry, where have you been hiding?
It's a silly question to ask a policeman, isn't it?
I've been pretty busy, actually,
studying for my sergeant's exams
Oh Sandy's very well
- Good
- I just thought I'd tell you
- Is Sandy in, being Saturday?
- No, she's out with Judy
Oh, right Well
Oh, no, come in anyway
Lionel would like to see you
Oh, why?
Well, not specifically, just generally
Come in and say hello
- Well, how did the exams go?
- Pretty well I passed
I'm a sergeant now Well, detective sergeant, CID
Really? Oh, well done Sandy will be proud
- Will she?
- Of course she will
Oh, she'll be ever so proud
- Lionel, look, it's Harry
- Harry?
- Oh yes, Harry How are you?
- Very well, sir Thank you
- Not "sir", please
- Oh, sorry
- Oh, are you thinking of getting a stair lift?
- No, I am not
- Harry's in plain clothes
- So he is
No, I mean officially
He's a detective sergeant now
- Is he?
- Yes
- He's come to see Sandy
- She's out
Well, we know she's out,
but Harry wasn't to know that, was he?
Well, he is a detective
- Sit down, Harry Would you like a coffee?
- Oh, no, thanks
I wouldn't mind another one
Sandy's very well
- Yes, you said
- Oh, yes, so I did
She'll be back very soon
- They're shopping They could be hours, days
- No, they couldn't
I expect you want to tell her your news
Yes, but not just the promotion
There's some other news
- Bigger
- Bigger?
Yeah, sort of crossroads, really Do you, don't you?
- I see
- I think I will have another coffee
- Well, I expect you'd like to talk it over
- Yes, yes I need to do that
- Yes, of course you do Of course you do
- We're running low on sugar
Well, we're here and we're very fond of you
So if you'd like to talk it over, well, we're here
Well, that's very kind of you,
but it's Sandy I really need to speak to
- She should be the first to know
- Well, of course Yes, of course
(SIGHING)
(INAUDIBLE)
- How's the rugby going, Harry?
- Oh
"How's the rugby going"?
Look, the boy's got something to tell Sandy,
not us
Oh, well, if you're going to take that attitude
- You always take that attitude
- I am by nature a noninterventionist
Well, I'm not intervening
I just want to know what's going on
Well, the only concrete fact we have is that
Harry's moved to outside centre this season,
and I don't think he'd want to tell Sandy that
- Hello, hello!
- Oh, Sandy?
- Yes?
- Harry called round
- Harry?
- Yes He says he's got something to tell you
Oh
- You don't seem very excited
- Well, I haven't seen him for ages
- What did he want to tell me?
- Well, he didn't say
Not that we asked
But he says it's important
He says it's very important
Well, if it's that important,
why on earth didn't he wait?
Well, because he had to go
- Ah, he's probably got a rugby match on
- Well, it is Saturday
Look, he did not mention rugby
I expect he's got to detect something
- What?
- Well, he's a detective sergeant now
Hmm
- And he still wants to see you very desperately
- Did he actually say "desperately"?
Well, he didn't actually say it, but you could see it
in his face, couldn't you, Lionel?
Could you, Lionel?
I've never really been good with faces
- But he does want to see you
- Desperately
I thought you said Bolivia
Oh, you did?
- Alistair, what are you doing in Bolivia?
- I'm re...
- Re-what?
- Regrouping.
Regrouping?
Look, you keep on breaking up
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Just a minute Come in
This one's yours Oh, sorry
No, it's all right
I can only hear every other word here anyway
Alistair
What? Yes, why don't you do that?
Hasta la vista to you, too
Bye!
- He's in Bolivia
- Should I ask why?
Regrouping That's what he said
What does that actually mean?
Well, I don't know
Well, sort of getting his act together, I suppose
Making money That's what he means, isn't it?
- You make it sound like gun-running
- Do I? Well, I just wish he would stop
I mean, it's like having a relationship
with a jumping bean
Talking of relationships,
Harry called round when we were out
- Harry?
- Hmm
- Do you miss him?
- Sometimes
Well, not all the time, but
Yeah, sometimes I really do
I miss him being kind
I miss him hardly ever finding the right words
for what he wants to say
The times when we didn't need words at all
Then I think of him packing his bloody rugby kit
and disappearing all the time,
and I don't miss him one bit
Did you know that the capital of Bolivia
is La Paz and Sucre?
- Of course
- The second official language is Quechua
Well, everyone knows that
- I suppose you speak it
- Fluently
I suppose this interest in Bolivia
has something to do with Alistair being there
Well, you like to know, don't you?
I'd like to know what it is
that Harry wants to tell Sandy
He wants to tell her about his promotion, I expect
But he told us that
So he did Well, we'll just have to wait and see
- What if he wants to marry her?
- (SCOFFING) That's not news, is it?
Not news?
No, I mean,
Harry said he had some news for Sandy
Proposing is a question
You don't say, "I've got some news
We're going to get married," do you?
Not unless you're on terribly firm ground,
I suppose
- Which they're not
- Which they're not
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, for goodness sake!
Are we the only people
who go to bed in this country?
That'll be Harry
- How do you know that?
- Well, detectives keep very strange hours
It's a well-known fact I'll wake Sandy
Shall we just make sure first?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
LIONEL: Yes, yes, yes!
Don't open the door It could be anyone
- But you just said
- No, just have a look first
(GASPS)
- What is it?
- Eyes
Oh
Li, hombre!
You're in Bolivia
- Alistair?
- Jean, hombre!
You're in Bolivia
I hate to argue with major-league people,
but I am here
But you only phoned Judy a few hours ago
Even you can't travel that quickly
No, no, no That was Glasgow
My signal kept breaking up
I was in Bolivia, that's what I said
Well, that's sorted out
Nice to see you, Alistair, good night
Lionel!
(JEAN SIGHING)
- Always the joker, eh, Li?
- I wasn't joking Do you know what time it is?
Well, tell you the truth,
I'm a bit out of sync with time at the moment
I'm either eight hours behind or 14 hours in front
Well, look, come in and sit down
Would you like something to eat?
Oh, well No thanks, I had supper in Glasgow,
or was that breakfast in Monaco?
I was in Monaco before Glasgow I'm sure I was
I think I'll make a cup of tea
Isn't this great?
I mean, here I am,
back in the bosom of the land that bore me
with two of my favourite human beings
- What's going on?
- Three of my favourite human beings
Sorry
- I thought you were in Bolivia
- No, let me explain that
Oh, on the whole, Alistair, no, thank you
- Sandy, is Judy awake?
- Not if she's got any sense, no
- What's going on?
- Him Good night
Hey, hey Don't you look a million dollars?
No You said you were in Bolivia
I really must get a fifth-generation mobile
Was, was!
- Well, I think Judy would like to know why
- Well Cheers, Li
- Oh, thanks, Lionel
- Thanks, Lionel You are a love
- Where was I?
- Bolivia
- I think I'll go back to bed
- No, no, no, no Come on, sit
Okay, okay
Cutting through the husk to the pith,
Alistair Deacon is back
Well, I don't mean here I mean there!
- I'm a player again
- What's he talking about?
- Well, it's obvious
- Money
- Money
- Right
You know how things have been
I mean, I was down I mean down
- To your last million
- Exactly And
- Don't go, Jean and Lionel
- No, we weren't going
Because I want you to hear this as well
I'm ready for the magic moment The big M
Alistair Deacon is ready for marriage
Yeah To Judy
You're ready for marriage
because you're back up there?
- Because you're a player again?
- Right
Wrong
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
I'm asleep
You used to say that when you were a little girl
Yes, well, I've really matured, haven't I?
Look All this tearing round the world,
these weird meetings with weird people,
Alistair is doing it for you
Yes, I know, but I don't want him to
If I get married again,
I want it to be to someone who's there,
not someone on the end of a mobile
about 15 time zones away
And don't tell me that this latest venture
has got anything to do with publishing
No, I wasn't going to
Look, when he was down, his version of down,
he was like a real person
If that person had asked me to marry him
Oh, well, what's he reverted to?
He's like a mad battery toy
whose battery never runs down
- Lionel isn't like that
- No, he's not He's more of the wind-up model
- I'm proud of you, you know
- Well, what on earth for?
Well, it's a rare woman
who wants her fella to make less money
Well, maybe ex-fella
I mean, Alistair's not noted for his attention span
He's probably on the phone
to Miss Bolivia right now
Anyway
Anyway
- Good night, love
- Good night, Mum
Oh, don't wake Lionel
Oh, no Bless his cotton socks,
he's got this thing about staying awake
until I'm in bed, too
(JEAN CHUCKLING)
(SIGHING)
Now not only am I worried about Sandy,
but I'm worried about Judy
(SNORING)
JEAN: Thank you very much for coming
- Goodbye
- Bye
Jean?
Jean!
Why are you back so soon?
You said you'd be longer than that
- Longer than what?
- Than you were
What were the police doing here?
- They called round
- Why?
- Because I asked them to
- Why?
Because I reported a prowler
- You didn't say anything to me about a prowler
- Oh, didn't I?
Look, would you come out of there, please?
First, you're messing about with that cupboard,
which you always do in times of stress
I'm not messing about with it I'm rationalising it
Which means taking everything out
and putting it all back again
And secondly, I can't believe I'm saying this,
you invent a prowler
in order to get the police round
in the hope that the police
will be represented by Harry?
Well?
You think you're very clever sometimes, don't you?
Not especially, but I do know
that I'm not given to fits of temporary insanity
That was a very dangerous thing to do
You could lock somebody in a cupboard
and they could suffocate
I was thinking of scrambling some eggs
to go with your scrambled brains
Look, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing
I didn't have Harry's home number so I thought
Well, I thought I'd phone him at the station
And do something simple
like ask to speak to him?
Yes, but then I suddenly thought,
well, what on earth do I say?
"Hello, Harry, what is it you want to tell Sandy?"
Well, I couldn't say that, could I?
No, I suppose not
- Did you ask for him by name?
- No, of course not!
I did suggest it was a job for a detective sergeant
- Naturally
- So they sent the two constables instead
Both nice lads One of them, Tony,
plays in a country and western band
Does he really?
- I suppose you think this is very funny
- No, almost tragic
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, I'll get it
Hello? Oh, Harry!
(WHISPERING) It's Harry
Oh, you heard Yes, it was a frightening business
Yes Oh, my description?
Well, it's a bit vague
I mean, I didn't really get a good look at him
Yes, I'm sure you will
Yes, and, Harry, while you're on the phone,
I was wondering if
Oh, no Of course, of course, yes Goodbye
He had to go
- What?
- You gave the police a description
of this nonexistent prowler?
Well, they asked It was very vague
(DOOR CLOSING)
SANDY: It's only me!
You know that the penalty
for wasting police time is 99 years' hard labour?
- Well, at least I got to talk to Harry
- Yes, so you did A shame he had to go
Hi
- Oh, hello, Sandy Are you all right?
- Yes, fine
I just came home to change
Suddenly remembered
I've got a business lunch and, well
- This won't do, will it?
- Not really
Why not?
- Anyway, I'll just go
- Look, Sandy, before you go,
I've just been talking to Harry on the phone
- Harry?
- Yes He sends his love
Says how much he's missing you
and he'll be in touch soon,
but he's been very busy, so he'll see you soon
- And you've just been talking to him?
- Yes, just a minute ago
- Then why would he say all that?
- Well, because he's very fond of you
He phoned me at work an hour ago
- I'm seeing him tonight
- Good
So, what's going on?
Do you mind if I ask you a question?
- Help yourself
- Okay
You're a woman, right?
No, I'm not
Stretch the mind Imagine you're a woman
Try my best
- Right, so
- Am I attractive?
Very You've got, er, dark brown hair,
beautiful big eyes, a smile that lights up a room
and these lovely little dimples
Where?
On your cheeks Get the picture?
Quite fancy meself
- Now, I ask you to marry me, okay
- This isn't the first date, is it?
No, no, no, no
Now, bear in mind that I have practically
circumnavigated the globe to get it right,
to make sure
that you have everything you could possibly want
What do you say?
- Yeah I accept
- 'Cause it shows that I care, right?
No, because I might be pretty,
but there's no guarantee
I'll keep my looks forever, is there?
- I'll have the same again
- Right
But you know where I'm coming from, right?
I mean, you must have been in love yourself
No, not me, mate I'm married
(MOBILE RINGING)
Alistair Deacon
Hey, hey, lovely lady
Me?
Well, I might just be in a "set 'em up, Joe"
sort of a mood
Well, you know, the song Frank Sinatra
# It's quarter to three
# There's no one in the place
except you and me #
What? No, no, that's the barman
Well, yes, I suppose he has
She says you have a nice voice
Thank you very much The girl with the dimples?
No, it's her mother
Convince her, Alistair
You've just got to convince her
Look, I've got to go now,
but remember what I said
- Yes, bye
- Old Mother Hubbard, I presume
- Look, I'm just making a phone call
- From a cupboard?
Well, people make phone calls
from all sorts of places these days
Why can't you let people
just sort things out for themselves?
Because they can't
(DOORBELL RINGING)
That'll be Harry
- Oh, come in, Harry
- Thanks
- Good evening, sir Lionel
- Hello, Harry
You go in and sit down I'll give Sandy a shout
- Right
- Sandy!
Incidentally, Harry,
any luck with this prowler business?
Not from what I hear, no I mean, to be honest,
there's not really a lot to go on, you see
- No, there isn't, is there?
- You just go in and sit down
I'll give her a shout again Sandy!
Thank you for that
I'm just civic-minded, that's all
- Harry's here
- Yes, I guessed that
Is that what you're wearing?
- What's wrong with it?
- Well, nothing, but Harry's here
(SIGHING)
(COUGHING)
Oh, all right, all right
- Oh, you look terrific
- Oh, I should have dressed up
No, you don't need to be dressed up for me
You look terrific anyway
You always did
- So, how's the rugby?
- Oh, great
Yeah, I've moved to outside centre this year
and it really suits my
- You never did like rugby, did you?
- Not really, no
- Jean said you had some news
- Yes
I'm going to Canada
- Oh, that's nice A holiday?
- No, to work
I've been offered the chance
of an attachment to the RCMP
- The Mounties
- For a year
Don't think I'll get a horse
- A year
- Yeah
See, I wanted to tell you because
Well, I didn't want to just disappear
No
- Thank you
- It's a great opportunity
Yes Yes, of course it is
Well, let's Let's go out and have
that drink, then, shall we?
Good idea
- A sort of farewell drink, I suppose
- Well, it doesn't have to be
- Why is that?
- I'm not going for a few weeks
- Oh!
- Oh!
Sorry Just wondered if Harry would like an apple
An apple?
No, no, thanks all the same
We're just going to go out for a drink
- Oh, excellent Celebration?
- Yes, sort of
Harry's going to Canada on attachment For a year
Oh, is he?
- And
- No That's it, really
- See you later
- HARRY: Bye
You're turning transparency into an art form
Harry's going on attachment to Canada for a year,
whatever that means
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I suppose
He won't have to wear
one of those silly hats, will he?
- Is that all you can say?
- Offhand, yes
- He didn't ask Sandy to go with him
- Oh
- Well, wouldn't you?
- I can't see the Mounties wanting me
- No lf, if!
- All right, then
If I were young and single
- and hadn't met you
- Oh, thank you
I'd gallop up on my horse,
in my red coat and silly scout's hat,
throw Sandy across my pommel and gallop off
Well, there you are, then What's wrong with the
What's a pommel, anyway?
Part of a saddle
Anyway, women get thrown across them
in all the best books
- Your reading leaves a lot to be desired
- Well, it was only an illustration
Well, anyway, that's what he should be doing
or its equivalent What's he doing? Nothing
You can't manufacture
happy endings for everybody, you know
- Well, why not? We had one
- What do you mean, "had"? We're still having it
Oh, yes How nice
What about Sandy? What about Judy?
- What about Judy?
- Oh, would you like an apple?
- No, thanks What about Judy?
- Your mother wants some happy endings
Yeah, well, don't we all
Anyway, so what was Harry's news?
He's going on attachment to Canada
and he's going alone
Royal Canadian Mounted Police
Lionel says he should ride up,
throw Sandy across his pommel
- Across his what?
- His pommel, that's part of the saddle
And gallop off with her
- Not really Harry's style, though, is it?
- No
- I remember Alistair turned up on a horse once
- Yes, so he did
He was wearing a suit of armour He squeaked
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Sandy's had a row with Harry and she's back
- Sandy has a key
- Oh
- Hi, Li!
- Hello, Alistair, come in
- It's Alistair Don't run off
- No, I wasn't going to
People, I'm in a mood to blow some minds
(MOBILE RINGING)
Oh, your mobile's ringing
And that's just an example
Judy, I need you in the garden
- No Why?
- Please Jean?
Well, if you want to go into the garden,
go into the garden
No, I meant for you to come into the garden,
too, and Li
- Why?
- Oh, don't be a spoilsport
Look, it's cold out there
Yes, it is Look, Alistair,
if you've got something to say, just say it in here
Okay
Whatever
I shall need a bin and some matches
- Why?
- Don't keep saying "why" This is exciting
Why?
A bin and some matches, right
- It is exciting, isn't it?
- I'd sooner not rush to a judgement
(MOBILE RINGING)
Oh, it's still alive
(RINGING FADES)
You've got to hand it to the Swedes
- Is this going to be some sort of conjuring trick?
- Shh! Shh, Li!
In a funny sort of a way, Li, it might be
Judy, I want you to marry me
I know you said no the last time,
but that was almost in another age
- It was four days ago
- Whatever Anyway,
I've realised I got it wrong
I've had it wrong for a long time
You see, when I was broke,
well, almost broke, you
Well, you always found time to,
I don't know, like me
- Well, of course I did
- But I couldn't quite believe it, you see
Contrary to world opinion,
I don't think I'm worth very much as a person
I've always thought
that I was just worth whatever I was worth
Does this make any sense?
- Look, you don't really need us
- Yes, of course he does
Judy, I've been chasing the big bucks for you,
and I've finally realised that you don't want them
All I hope is that you still want
the stupid four-eyed twit
who's been chasing them because he loves you
- Bin, please, Lionel
- Bin, Alistair
- Matches, please, Lionel
- Matches, Alistair Is it a conjuring trick?
(SHUSHING)
Bolivia Athens Glasgow
Monaco
These are the contracts that will help set up
superdeaccom,
which will make the big bucks
But if you don't want them, Judy,
I don't want them, either
- All I want is that you should marry me
- Oh!
- I'll take that as a yes
- Yes
Yes!
Well, we don't want to throw money away
just for the sake of it
Coffee's ready
I said you'd just put it all back
What happened to rationalisation?
Well, I don't have to rationalise it now
Judy's getting married
Oh, I see
ALISTAIR: I'll bring the car round
I'm parked just round the corner
- Oh!
- Hasta la vista, Mom and Pop-in-law
"Pop-in-law"?
- We're going out to eat
- I'm so pleased for you, love
- Thanks, Mum
- So am I
Except
- Except what?
- No "except" No, he didn't mean "except" at all
No, I'm afraid I did
I want you to be happy, Judy, but, erm,
I have to say this
Alistair's grand gesture with those contracts
A small voice in my brain keeps saying,
"Were they real contracts or just bits of paper?"
- Lionel
- No, no, no It's all right,
because a small voice in my brain
kept saying the same thing,
but I could hardly get down
on my hands and knees and spoil the moment
by reading them, could I?
Either way, it doesn't matter
Because somewhere in all that
the real Alistair said the right thing
- Bye
- Bye
Bye
Oh, I found some photos of us in Los Angeles
- When we stormed American television?
- Virtually, yes
- Look
- I don't think I want to relive that experience
- No look, it's Lillian Stevens
- Who?
That lady we met over there
who sent us the card the other day
The one you described as being tall
with long black hair and tight leather trousers
- That's not the woman I meant
- No Obviously
Funny how the mind plays tricks, isn't it?
I could have sworn
I was describing Lillian Stevens
Yes
Who were you describing?
- Coffee?
- Lionel
Lionel!
# You must remember this
#A kiss is still a kiss
#A sigh is just a sigh
# The fundamental things apply
#As time goes by
#And when two lovers woo
# They still say, "I love you"
# On that you can rely
# The world will always welcome lovers
#As time goes by #
#A kiss is still a kiss
#A sigh is just a sigh
# The fundamental things apply
#As time goes by #
- Postman Pat's been
- In his little red van?
- No, he's got a soppy trolley with big wheels
- Not the same, is it?
Nothing's the same I mean, look at all this lot
Did I ask for it? Did you ask for it?
Did these people ask our permission
to send us all this?
- No, so we have to wade through it every morning
- Well, that's hardly wading through it
At least have a look
There might be something interesting,
something piquant
- Piquant?
- Yes
- I mean, for instance, would you like a stair lift?
- No, I would not
Oh! They come in a choice of three colours
I see you in maroon
Now, let's see Oh!
So much for your wading through it,
you threw away a postcard from America
- Oh, how sweet It's from Lillian Stevens
- Is it?
- You don't know who that is, do you?
- Yes, I do She's American
- And?
- And it was very nice of her to send us a card
Lillian Stevens,
that nice lady we met in Los Angeles
Yeah, I know that
- Very tall
- No
- Long black hair
- No
- She wore very tight leather trousers
- No, she didn't!
- You sure?
- I'm positive
- Well, somebody did
- Yes, well, obviously somebody did
Anyway, Lillian,
the real Lillian, sends you her love
Thank you
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(JEAN SIGHING)
Lillian also says
that if you're thinking of a stair lift,
get one in maroon
- Oh, hello
- Hello
Harry, where have you been hiding?
It's a silly question to ask a policeman, isn't it?
I've been pretty busy, actually,
studying for my sergeant's exams
Oh Sandy's very well
- Good
- I just thought I'd tell you
- Is Sandy in, being Saturday?
- No, she's out with Judy
Oh, right Well
Oh, no, come in anyway
Lionel would like to see you
Oh, why?
Well, not specifically, just generally
Come in and say hello
- Well, how did the exams go?
- Pretty well I passed
I'm a sergeant now Well, detective sergeant, CID
Really? Oh, well done Sandy will be proud
- Will she?
- Of course she will
Oh, she'll be ever so proud
- Lionel, look, it's Harry
- Harry?
- Oh yes, Harry How are you?
- Very well, sir Thank you
- Not "sir", please
- Oh, sorry
- Oh, are you thinking of getting a stair lift?
- No, I am not
- Harry's in plain clothes
- So he is
No, I mean officially
He's a detective sergeant now
- Is he?
- Yes
- He's come to see Sandy
- She's out
Well, we know she's out,
but Harry wasn't to know that, was he?
Well, he is a detective
- Sit down, Harry Would you like a coffee?
- Oh, no, thanks
I wouldn't mind another one
Sandy's very well
- Yes, you said
- Oh, yes, so I did
She'll be back very soon
- They're shopping They could be hours, days
- No, they couldn't
I expect you want to tell her your news
Yes, but not just the promotion
There's some other news
- Bigger
- Bigger?
Yeah, sort of crossroads, really Do you, don't you?
- I see
- I think I will have another coffee
- Well, I expect you'd like to talk it over
- Yes, yes I need to do that
- Yes, of course you do Of course you do
- We're running low on sugar
Well, we're here and we're very fond of you
So if you'd like to talk it over, well, we're here
Well, that's very kind of you,
but it's Sandy I really need to speak to
- She should be the first to know
- Well, of course Yes, of course
(SIGHING)
(INAUDIBLE)
- How's the rugby going, Harry?
- Oh
"How's the rugby going"?
Look, the boy's got something to tell Sandy,
not us
Oh, well, if you're going to take that attitude
- You always take that attitude
- I am by nature a noninterventionist
Well, I'm not intervening
I just want to know what's going on
Well, the only concrete fact we have is that
Harry's moved to outside centre this season,
and I don't think he'd want to tell Sandy that
- Hello, hello!
- Oh, Sandy?
- Yes?
- Harry called round
- Harry?
- Yes He says he's got something to tell you
Oh
- You don't seem very excited
- Well, I haven't seen him for ages
- What did he want to tell me?
- Well, he didn't say
Not that we asked
But he says it's important
He says it's very important
Well, if it's that important,
why on earth didn't he wait?
Well, because he had to go
- Ah, he's probably got a rugby match on
- Well, it is Saturday
Look, he did not mention rugby
I expect he's got to detect something
- What?
- Well, he's a detective sergeant now
Hmm
- And he still wants to see you very desperately
- Did he actually say "desperately"?
Well, he didn't actually say it, but you could see it
in his face, couldn't you, Lionel?
Could you, Lionel?
I've never really been good with faces
- But he does want to see you
- Desperately
I thought you said Bolivia
Oh, you did?
- Alistair, what are you doing in Bolivia?
- I'm re...
- Re-what?
- Regrouping.
Regrouping?
Look, you keep on breaking up
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Just a minute Come in
This one's yours Oh, sorry
No, it's all right
I can only hear every other word here anyway
Alistair
What? Yes, why don't you do that?
Hasta la vista to you, too
Bye!
- He's in Bolivia
- Should I ask why?
Regrouping That's what he said
What does that actually mean?
Well, I don't know
Well, sort of getting his act together, I suppose
Making money That's what he means, isn't it?
- You make it sound like gun-running
- Do I? Well, I just wish he would stop
I mean, it's like having a relationship
with a jumping bean
Talking of relationships,
Harry called round when we were out
- Harry?
- Hmm
- Do you miss him?
- Sometimes
Well, not all the time, but
Yeah, sometimes I really do
I miss him being kind
I miss him hardly ever finding the right words
for what he wants to say
The times when we didn't need words at all
Then I think of him packing his bloody rugby kit
and disappearing all the time,
and I don't miss him one bit
Did you know that the capital of Bolivia
is La Paz and Sucre?
- Of course
- The second official language is Quechua
Well, everyone knows that
- I suppose you speak it
- Fluently
I suppose this interest in Bolivia
has something to do with Alistair being there
Well, you like to know, don't you?
I'd like to know what it is
that Harry wants to tell Sandy
He wants to tell her about his promotion, I expect
But he told us that
So he did Well, we'll just have to wait and see
- What if he wants to marry her?
- (SCOFFING) That's not news, is it?
Not news?
No, I mean,
Harry said he had some news for Sandy
Proposing is a question
You don't say, "I've got some news
We're going to get married," do you?
Not unless you're on terribly firm ground,
I suppose
- Which they're not
- Which they're not
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, for goodness sake!
Are we the only people
who go to bed in this country?
That'll be Harry
- How do you know that?
- Well, detectives keep very strange hours
It's a well-known fact I'll wake Sandy
Shall we just make sure first?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
LIONEL: Yes, yes, yes!
Don't open the door It could be anyone
- But you just said
- No, just have a look first
(GASPS)
- What is it?
- Eyes
Oh
Li, hombre!
You're in Bolivia
- Alistair?
- Jean, hombre!
You're in Bolivia
I hate to argue with major-league people,
but I am here
But you only phoned Judy a few hours ago
Even you can't travel that quickly
No, no, no That was Glasgow
My signal kept breaking up
I was in Bolivia, that's what I said
Well, that's sorted out
Nice to see you, Alistair, good night
Lionel!
(JEAN SIGHING)
- Always the joker, eh, Li?
- I wasn't joking Do you know what time it is?
Well, tell you the truth,
I'm a bit out of sync with time at the moment
I'm either eight hours behind or 14 hours in front
Well, look, come in and sit down
Would you like something to eat?
Oh, well No thanks, I had supper in Glasgow,
or was that breakfast in Monaco?
I was in Monaco before Glasgow I'm sure I was
I think I'll make a cup of tea
Isn't this great?
I mean, here I am,
back in the bosom of the land that bore me
with two of my favourite human beings
- What's going on?
- Three of my favourite human beings
Sorry
- I thought you were in Bolivia
- No, let me explain that
Oh, on the whole, Alistair, no, thank you
- Sandy, is Judy awake?
- Not if she's got any sense, no
- What's going on?
- Him Good night
Hey, hey Don't you look a million dollars?
No You said you were in Bolivia
I really must get a fifth-generation mobile
Was, was!
- Well, I think Judy would like to know why
- Well Cheers, Li
- Oh, thanks, Lionel
- Thanks, Lionel You are a love
- Where was I?
- Bolivia
- I think I'll go back to bed
- No, no, no, no Come on, sit
Okay, okay
Cutting through the husk to the pith,
Alistair Deacon is back
Well, I don't mean here I mean there!
- I'm a player again
- What's he talking about?
- Well, it's obvious
- Money
- Money
- Right
You know how things have been
I mean, I was down I mean down
- To your last million
- Exactly And
- Don't go, Jean and Lionel
- No, we weren't going
Because I want you to hear this as well
I'm ready for the magic moment The big M
Alistair Deacon is ready for marriage
Yeah To Judy
You're ready for marriage
because you're back up there?
- Because you're a player again?
- Right
Wrong
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
I'm asleep
You used to say that when you were a little girl
Yes, well, I've really matured, haven't I?
Look All this tearing round the world,
these weird meetings with weird people,
Alistair is doing it for you
Yes, I know, but I don't want him to
If I get married again,
I want it to be to someone who's there,
not someone on the end of a mobile
about 15 time zones away
And don't tell me that this latest venture
has got anything to do with publishing
No, I wasn't going to
Look, when he was down, his version of down,
he was like a real person
If that person had asked me to marry him
Oh, well, what's he reverted to?
He's like a mad battery toy
whose battery never runs down
- Lionel isn't like that
- No, he's not He's more of the wind-up model
- I'm proud of you, you know
- Well, what on earth for?
Well, it's a rare woman
who wants her fella to make less money
Well, maybe ex-fella
I mean, Alistair's not noted for his attention span
He's probably on the phone
to Miss Bolivia right now
Anyway
Anyway
- Good night, love
- Good night, Mum
Oh, don't wake Lionel
Oh, no Bless his cotton socks,
he's got this thing about staying awake
until I'm in bed, too
(JEAN CHUCKLING)
(SIGHING)
Now not only am I worried about Sandy,
but I'm worried about Judy
(SNORING)
JEAN: Thank you very much for coming
- Goodbye
- Bye
Jean?
Jean!
Why are you back so soon?
You said you'd be longer than that
- Longer than what?
- Than you were
What were the police doing here?
- They called round
- Why?
- Because I asked them to
- Why?
Because I reported a prowler
- You didn't say anything to me about a prowler
- Oh, didn't I?
Look, would you come out of there, please?
First, you're messing about with that cupboard,
which you always do in times of stress
I'm not messing about with it I'm rationalising it
Which means taking everything out
and putting it all back again
And secondly, I can't believe I'm saying this,
you invent a prowler
in order to get the police round
in the hope that the police
will be represented by Harry?
Well?
You think you're very clever sometimes, don't you?
Not especially, but I do know
that I'm not given to fits of temporary insanity
That was a very dangerous thing to do
You could lock somebody in a cupboard
and they could suffocate
I was thinking of scrambling some eggs
to go with your scrambled brains
Look, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing
I didn't have Harry's home number so I thought
Well, I thought I'd phone him at the station
And do something simple
like ask to speak to him?
Yes, but then I suddenly thought,
well, what on earth do I say?
"Hello, Harry, what is it you want to tell Sandy?"
Well, I couldn't say that, could I?
No, I suppose not
- Did you ask for him by name?
- No, of course not!
I did suggest it was a job for a detective sergeant
- Naturally
- So they sent the two constables instead
Both nice lads One of them, Tony,
plays in a country and western band
Does he really?
- I suppose you think this is very funny
- No, almost tragic
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, I'll get it
Hello? Oh, Harry!
(WHISPERING) It's Harry
Oh, you heard Yes, it was a frightening business
Yes Oh, my description?
Well, it's a bit vague
I mean, I didn't really get a good look at him
Yes, I'm sure you will
Yes, and, Harry, while you're on the phone,
I was wondering if
Oh, no Of course, of course, yes Goodbye
He had to go
- What?
- You gave the police a description
of this nonexistent prowler?
Well, they asked It was very vague
(DOOR CLOSING)
SANDY: It's only me!
You know that the penalty
for wasting police time is 99 years' hard labour?
- Well, at least I got to talk to Harry
- Yes, so you did A shame he had to go
Hi
- Oh, hello, Sandy Are you all right?
- Yes, fine
I just came home to change
Suddenly remembered
I've got a business lunch and, well
- This won't do, will it?
- Not really
Why not?
- Anyway, I'll just go
- Look, Sandy, before you go,
I've just been talking to Harry on the phone
- Harry?
- Yes He sends his love
Says how much he's missing you
and he'll be in touch soon,
but he's been very busy, so he'll see you soon
- And you've just been talking to him?
- Yes, just a minute ago
- Then why would he say all that?
- Well, because he's very fond of you
He phoned me at work an hour ago
- I'm seeing him tonight
- Good
So, what's going on?
Do you mind if I ask you a question?
- Help yourself
- Okay
You're a woman, right?
No, I'm not
Stretch the mind Imagine you're a woman
Try my best
- Right, so
- Am I attractive?
Very You've got, er, dark brown hair,
beautiful big eyes, a smile that lights up a room
and these lovely little dimples
Where?
On your cheeks Get the picture?
Quite fancy meself
- Now, I ask you to marry me, okay
- This isn't the first date, is it?
No, no, no, no
Now, bear in mind that I have practically
circumnavigated the globe to get it right,
to make sure
that you have everything you could possibly want
What do you say?
- Yeah I accept
- 'Cause it shows that I care, right?
No, because I might be pretty,
but there's no guarantee
I'll keep my looks forever, is there?
- I'll have the same again
- Right
But you know where I'm coming from, right?
I mean, you must have been in love yourself
No, not me, mate I'm married
(MOBILE RINGING)
Alistair Deacon
Hey, hey, lovely lady
Me?
Well, I might just be in a "set 'em up, Joe"
sort of a mood
Well, you know, the song Frank Sinatra
# It's quarter to three
# There's no one in the place
except you and me #
What? No, no, that's the barman
Well, yes, I suppose he has
She says you have a nice voice
Thank you very much The girl with the dimples?
No, it's her mother
Convince her, Alistair
You've just got to convince her
Look, I've got to go now,
but remember what I said
- Yes, bye
- Old Mother Hubbard, I presume
- Look, I'm just making a phone call
- From a cupboard?
Well, people make phone calls
from all sorts of places these days
Why can't you let people
just sort things out for themselves?
Because they can't
(DOORBELL RINGING)
That'll be Harry
- Oh, come in, Harry
- Thanks
- Good evening, sir Lionel
- Hello, Harry
You go in and sit down I'll give Sandy a shout
- Right
- Sandy!
Incidentally, Harry,
any luck with this prowler business?
Not from what I hear, no I mean, to be honest,
there's not really a lot to go on, you see
- No, there isn't, is there?
- You just go in and sit down
I'll give her a shout again Sandy!
Thank you for that
I'm just civic-minded, that's all
- Harry's here
- Yes, I guessed that
Is that what you're wearing?
- What's wrong with it?
- Well, nothing, but Harry's here
(SIGHING)
(COUGHING)
Oh, all right, all right
- Oh, you look terrific
- Oh, I should have dressed up
No, you don't need to be dressed up for me
You look terrific anyway
You always did
- So, how's the rugby?
- Oh, great
Yeah, I've moved to outside centre this year
and it really suits my
- You never did like rugby, did you?
- Not really, no
- Jean said you had some news
- Yes
I'm going to Canada
- Oh, that's nice A holiday?
- No, to work
I've been offered the chance
of an attachment to the RCMP
- The Mounties
- For a year
Don't think I'll get a horse
- A year
- Yeah
See, I wanted to tell you because
Well, I didn't want to just disappear
No
- Thank you
- It's a great opportunity
Yes Yes, of course it is
Well, let's Let's go out and have
that drink, then, shall we?
Good idea
- A sort of farewell drink, I suppose
- Well, it doesn't have to be
- Why is that?
- I'm not going for a few weeks
- Oh!
- Oh!
Sorry Just wondered if Harry would like an apple
An apple?
No, no, thanks all the same
We're just going to go out for a drink
- Oh, excellent Celebration?
- Yes, sort of
Harry's going to Canada on attachment For a year
Oh, is he?
- And
- No That's it, really
- See you later
- HARRY: Bye
You're turning transparency into an art form
Harry's going on attachment to Canada for a year,
whatever that means
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I suppose
He won't have to wear
one of those silly hats, will he?
- Is that all you can say?
- Offhand, yes
- He didn't ask Sandy to go with him
- Oh
- Well, wouldn't you?
- I can't see the Mounties wanting me
- No lf, if!
- All right, then
If I were young and single
- and hadn't met you
- Oh, thank you
I'd gallop up on my horse,
in my red coat and silly scout's hat,
throw Sandy across my pommel and gallop off
Well, there you are, then What's wrong with the
What's a pommel, anyway?
Part of a saddle
Anyway, women get thrown across them
in all the best books
- Your reading leaves a lot to be desired
- Well, it was only an illustration
Well, anyway, that's what he should be doing
or its equivalent What's he doing? Nothing
You can't manufacture
happy endings for everybody, you know
- Well, why not? We had one
- What do you mean, "had"? We're still having it
Oh, yes How nice
What about Sandy? What about Judy?
- What about Judy?
- Oh, would you like an apple?
- No, thanks What about Judy?
- Your mother wants some happy endings
Yeah, well, don't we all
Anyway, so what was Harry's news?
He's going on attachment to Canada
and he's going alone
Royal Canadian Mounted Police
Lionel says he should ride up,
throw Sandy across his pommel
- Across his what?
- His pommel, that's part of the saddle
And gallop off with her
- Not really Harry's style, though, is it?
- No
- I remember Alistair turned up on a horse once
- Yes, so he did
He was wearing a suit of armour He squeaked
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Sandy's had a row with Harry and she's back
- Sandy has a key
- Oh
- Hi, Li!
- Hello, Alistair, come in
- It's Alistair Don't run off
- No, I wasn't going to
People, I'm in a mood to blow some minds
(MOBILE RINGING)
Oh, your mobile's ringing
And that's just an example
Judy, I need you in the garden
- No Why?
- Please Jean?
Well, if you want to go into the garden,
go into the garden
No, I meant for you to come into the garden,
too, and Li
- Why?
- Oh, don't be a spoilsport
Look, it's cold out there
Yes, it is Look, Alistair,
if you've got something to say, just say it in here
Okay
Whatever
I shall need a bin and some matches
- Why?
- Don't keep saying "why" This is exciting
Why?
A bin and some matches, right
- It is exciting, isn't it?
- I'd sooner not rush to a judgement
(MOBILE RINGING)
Oh, it's still alive
(RINGING FADES)
You've got to hand it to the Swedes
- Is this going to be some sort of conjuring trick?
- Shh! Shh, Li!
In a funny sort of a way, Li, it might be
Judy, I want you to marry me
I know you said no the last time,
but that was almost in another age
- It was four days ago
- Whatever Anyway,
I've realised I got it wrong
I've had it wrong for a long time
You see, when I was broke,
well, almost broke, you
Well, you always found time to,
I don't know, like me
- Well, of course I did
- But I couldn't quite believe it, you see
Contrary to world opinion,
I don't think I'm worth very much as a person
I've always thought
that I was just worth whatever I was worth
Does this make any sense?
- Look, you don't really need us
- Yes, of course he does
Judy, I've been chasing the big bucks for you,
and I've finally realised that you don't want them
All I hope is that you still want
the stupid four-eyed twit
who's been chasing them because he loves you
- Bin, please, Lionel
- Bin, Alistair
- Matches, please, Lionel
- Matches, Alistair Is it a conjuring trick?
(SHUSHING)
Bolivia Athens Glasgow
Monaco
These are the contracts that will help set up
superdeaccom,
which will make the big bucks
But if you don't want them, Judy,
I don't want them, either
- All I want is that you should marry me
- Oh!
- I'll take that as a yes
- Yes
Yes!
Well, we don't want to throw money away
just for the sake of it
Coffee's ready
I said you'd just put it all back
What happened to rationalisation?
Well, I don't have to rationalise it now
Judy's getting married
Oh, I see
ALISTAIR: I'll bring the car round
I'm parked just round the corner
- Oh!
- Hasta la vista, Mom and Pop-in-law
"Pop-in-law"?
- We're going out to eat
- I'm so pleased for you, love
- Thanks, Mum
- So am I
Except
- Except what?
- No "except" No, he didn't mean "except" at all
No, I'm afraid I did
I want you to be happy, Judy, but, erm,
I have to say this
Alistair's grand gesture with those contracts
A small voice in my brain keeps saying,
"Were they real contracts or just bits of paper?"
- Lionel
- No, no, no It's all right,
because a small voice in my brain
kept saying the same thing,
but I could hardly get down
on my hands and knees and spoil the moment
by reading them, could I?
Either way, it doesn't matter
Because somewhere in all that
the real Alistair said the right thing
- Bye
- Bye
Bye
Oh, I found some photos of us in Los Angeles
- When we stormed American television?
- Virtually, yes
- Look
- I don't think I want to relive that experience
- No look, it's Lillian Stevens
- Who?
That lady we met over there
who sent us the card the other day
The one you described as being tall
with long black hair and tight leather trousers
- That's not the woman I meant
- No Obviously
Funny how the mind plays tricks, isn't it?
I could have sworn
I was describing Lillian Stevens
Yes
Who were you describing?
- Coffee?
- Lionel
Lionel!
# You must remember this
#A kiss is still a kiss
#A sigh is just a sigh
# The fundamental things apply
#As time goes by
#And when two lovers woo
# They still say, "I love you"
# On that you can rely
# The world will always welcome lovers
#As time goes by #