Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Prison Break-In - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael Bluth paid an
unexpected visit to his mother.

- You look pretty, Mom.
- What do you need?

- Need? Why do you think I need something?
- Well, you're too busy for us.

No one's seen you.
Going on all those dates with Rita.

- Or should I say playdates?
- Michael had recently dated a woman...

he later found out
was mentally challenged.

We're not seeing each other anymore,
but it's...it's for the best.



I'm actually kind of relieved it's over.

Actually, Michael
had been so devastated by their break-up...

that he'd even broken out the old guitar.

- Maybe you should talk to someone.
- Like my mom?

I don't know.
Does she play guitar?

Can't a guy call his mom pretty
without it seeming strange?

Amen. And how about that
little piece of tail on her?

- Cu-ute!
- I've opened a door here that I regret.

Oh, he's just talking about
his stupid turtle.

- Oh.
- She has a name, Mother. And it's "Mother."

Buster had recently brought home a turtle...

in an incredibly misguided attempt
to make his mother jealous.

You can stay in this box
that Uncle-father Oscar left behind.

- In fact, it was a box of Oscar's legally
obtained medical marijuana. - Oh, good.



- Hey, it's already got grass.
- Primo bud. Real sticky weed.

Although I was getting a little worried because
she was moving really slowly last week...

and then she stopped.
Hmm.

Yeah. Well, in any event I'm here,
Mom, because you need me.

As you know the Bluth Foundation dinner
is a week away.

I am your co-chair,
and we don't wanna relive the TBA debacle.

Years earlier, the Bluths had a hard time...

agreeing on a cause
for their foundation's first fund-raiser.

"Herpes." "Shrinkage."

Somebody saw Seinfeld last night.

"Neck flap."
"Ovarian cancer." Gee, I wonder who that was?

- One more for "neck flap."
- Yes.

Well, I'll be honest. I haven't
heard anything that beats herpes.

So, they sent out invitations with the disease...

still "to be announced."

And much to their surprise,
the Bluths ended up raising over $25,000...

to fight TBA.

And then...
and here's the really horrible part...

they did it again
the following year.

Keep fighting, little guy.
With your support of the Bluth Foundation...

we'll live in a galaxy
where TBA does not exist.

When people at the last gala found out,
we almost had a riot on our hands.

Well, you don't have to worry
about anything like that this year, because...

Warden Gentles is the new co-chair.

- The guy who ran Dad's prison?
- He's here now installing cameras...

because of all your father's escape attempts.

Uh, yeah. It looks like I won't be goin' anywhere
for a little while. But what do I care, huh?

I got a beautiful wife.
I got a wonderful hobby. Ha! Look at me.

I'm having the time of my life.

His hobby was making papier-m?ch? copies...

- of his own head. - Before I forget,
do you know if these cameras are high def?

I certainly hope so. It'll help me
better understand "George Bluth"...

the main character of the latest and, I pray,
final draft of my screenplay, New Warden.

- You wrote a screenplay, huh?
- I promised myself I wasn't gonna become...

one of those people who are always going on
about their screenplays...

so I'll just say, I put together a staged reading
with some fabulous young actors...

and it was very well received.

Warden Gentles had convinced
his granddaughter's teacher...

to mount New Warden
as a school play.

- I understand you've been causing problems.
- Nobody sells any coke...

in this pen
without daddy getting a taste.

Beat him with a pillowcase
full of batteries.

Ward's letting us hold the event
in the new wing of the prison.

After lockdown, everyone's going
to spend the night in a cell.

Are they color or black and white?

So, Michael, I don't need your help at all...
unless you need something from me?

No. I'm fine. Just thought I could help.
Relieved I don't have to.

But he wasn't relieved.
So he went home to complain to his sister, Lindsay.

Prison's the last thing we want people
associating with the Bluth name.

- Plus, who's gonna want to go?
- Wait, this is gonna be at the prison?

Oh, great.
Probably gonna run into that warden.

- How do you know the warden?
- Oh, right.

Uh, he spoke at my school
for a "Startled Straight" assembly.

Actually, she'd met with him in the hopes...

of using his prison
as a location for a film.

I think you will find the desert
both engrossing... and high grossing.

So we don't get dessert.

I guess I have some reading to do.

Besides I doubt very much Mom's come up
with a real disease to have a fund-raiser for.

I forgot. We have a real disease.
I chose it:

GVH, "Graft Versus Host."

It's new, it's fatal,
and guess who's got it?

You've heard of bodies
rejecting transplants.

Well, in this case, your transplanted hair
is rejecting your body.

Either you remove your hair graft...

or the host, you, will get
sicker and eventually die.

- Can you think of any benefits?
- Benefits? No. He'll die.

Oh, oh, yeah. No, I... I get that.
But have there ever been any fund-raisers?

A husband with the headlining disease.
Everyone's gonna wanna talk to me.

- You're making him keep the hair?
- Did you see the attention Superman's wife got?

- Besides, Tobias wants it too.
- Oh, she's right.

Th-This is gonna be great for me,
because I am gonna star...

in the video Gob's making for the gala.

Oh, yeah.
It'll be very uplifting.

- Oh, here, let me get that for you.
- Thank you.

Oh. Oh, this is gonna hurt. Oh!

You know what? We're gonna
need this from another angle.

- And you're sure you're okay?
- Oh, probably.

I can't feel anything.
How's my hair?

It's fine.
It's sucking the life out of you, Tobias.

I mean, everything's gone crazy...
the gala, Mom and Warden Gentles.

I mean, what is in it for him?
I think he's taking advantage of Mom.

And did it ever occur to you
that maybe Warden Gentles likes her?

- Likes her what?
- No, I... I mean, likes her, like, is attracted to her.

- Who's the "her" in that sentence?
- Mom. Warden Gentles likes Mom.

- Her?
- I'm afraid I'm with Michael on this.

The guy runs a prison.
He can have any piece of ass he wants.

And if he likes her in that sense,
it makes it even worse.

I don't want Mom mixed up with the sort of creep
that would have her as a fetish.

Oh, Michael, you're just feeling
neglected by your mother.

You wanted to go to this with her,
didn't you?

Hey, I... I don't need
to take my mom to a gala, okay?

Only losers go to those things
with their parents.

- I'm going with my son.
- Oh, I may skip that. I don't like galas.

Actually, he loved galas.

- All kids do. - Oh, come on.
Don't leave your Uncle Tea Bag hangin'.

- Please don't call yourself that.
- What he was having trouble with...

was looking directly at his dying uncle.

I can't stand by and watch Mom get hurt.
I gotta get down there.

This is heartbreaking.
Gotta get this for the video.

George Michael, you wanna put your head
down there by his drainage shunt?

Buster, meanwhile,
was also feeling abandoned by Mother.

Mo... Mother! I have no one now.

But at that very moment,
his true father returned.

Uncle-father Oscar,
what are you doing here?

Well, you know me. I could
never leave a little bud behind.

Oh, a hug. Nice. You haven't seen
a little box with a turtle on it, have you?

Oh, yeah. My turtle was living in it
before he ate all the grass and died.

- He ate all the grass?
- Yeah.

- It's been great catching up.
- W-W-Wait, where you going?

No, I can't stay,
because if my brother finds out that I'm here...

he's gonna try switching places again,
and I can't go back to prison.

- If my father comes in, you can hide
in one of Gob's tricks. - I can't.

- At least you can stay and help me bury
my poor turtle. - Or we could cremate it.

And Maeby was having a harder time finishing
Warden Gentle's screenplay than he did.

How'd you like to read something fun that
we could talk about on the way to the prison gala?

Oh, I'm actually gonna sit that out.
I'm just burnt out on prisons lately.

- Well, this might change your mind.
- Is that a screenplay?

Well, that's what you're gonna tell me.

And Michael raced to warn his mother
of the warden's intentions.

- Hey! You can't park there.
- Oh, sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- No stairs. No parking.

Sorry.

Everything looks delicious.

Oh, One-Eye's a wonderful chef.

I've had to go to his parole hearings twice
and lie through my teeth to keep him here.

Hi, I just, um...

Wow.
What are you guys doing?

It's perfectly innocent, but I can see
how if our roles were reversed...

I might have you beaten
with a pillowcase full of batteries.

- I'll give you two a moment.
- Thank you.

I don't know why I always assume
that everyone's read my screenplay.

What is wrong with you?
That man is being wonderful to us.

And that doesn't concern you, Mother?
For all you know he could be trying to seduce you.

- Oh, Michael, you're crazy.
- I certainly hope so.

I'm trying to seduce him.

- Who's the "I" in that sentence?
- Me.

- You?
- Her.

Michael had just discovered that
his mother was interested in another man.

- Mom wants to sleep with the warden.
- What? Oh, God!

- Great. - Great? The man is old enough
to be her contemporary, Lindsay.

Plus, she's married, okay? She can't be
writhing around underneath the covers...

- What is wrong with you? It's disgusting! God!
- Take it easy.

No, it's just I've always had a thing
about Mom and Dad being together.

- I know that.
- I have a sense of propriety, my God.

- Gob, we've had this conversation.
- When?

- The last time you ended up seeing Mom
and Dad go at it. - What? No! God, Michael!

- I did no such thing.
- He did very much that thing...

when his parents got intimate
in a conjugal trailer two years ago.

But thankfully,
he'd found a way to forget that.

I got a thing of pills in my pocket. I don't suppose
I could convince you to grab me one.

- Luckily, that worked too.
- I can't even hear this.

You may not like it
that Mom has needs...

but it never bothered you
when Dad was running around.

- Well, that was different. - Well, how 'bout
when she was sleeping with Uncle Oscar?

The guy looks just like Dad.

I don't know. He's family.
It seemed very natural they'd be together.

Who? What? What is natural?
Is there new legislation on this now?

George Michael was concerned about
family love after reading Maeby's script...

- which he took as a subtle message to him
from his cousin. - Listen, new fish.

That bunk was open
because the last guy...

wouldn't do the things
that you're going to do.

- We're going to... do things? - Anything
can happen when two people share a cell, coz.

Um, I'll go...
Okay, I'll go with you to the prison.

George Michael, what I want you to do is run
upstairs and run a nice bath for Uncle Tobias.

And I want you to help him get in the tub.
Can you do that for me? Thanks.

And don't make the water too hot.
The scabs come right off.

Come on, Lindsay. What are we gonna do about Mother?
- Honestly, Michael...

all this "Mother" talk...
you're starting to sound a lot like Buster.

And Michael realized there was somebody else...

in the family who would care about this.

Buster's gonna take this so hard.
I cannot let my brother get hurt.

Oh!

Oh, it's on standby. Got another one in you?

Buster, meanwhile,
was enjoying being with Oscar.

But Oscar was longing
for his sweet freedom.

Say, you don't have any Sweet Freedom or Tropical
Ease or any of the Hawaiian blends, do you?

Someone's coming.

Oh, Dad, get in the cage
and hide behind the mirror. It'll look empty.

Oscar never got a chance
to hide behind the mirror.

Although it was not the first time...

he was knocked out
by a powerful lid.

Hey, Buster, listen.
I got some bad news about Mom.

She's planning on spending the night
with another man.

- Gob?
- N-No. Not another brother.

- Oh. Then why do we care?
- What is wrong with everyone?

Uh, B-Buster, you've got to talk to Mom
about this. She can't possibly do it.

- If Dad finds out, he'll go berserk.
- If Dad finds out about what?

Oh. Well, I guess I've got no choice now.
Dad, I-I've got some bad news...

about Mom and Warden Gentles...
dating.

Oh. Better sit down.

Okay, what's the news?

- They're dating.
- Oh, yeah. Because she's... she's my wife.

- Oh, yeah. Damn it!
- I'm surprised you're not more upset about this.

When you first told me,
but you see, time... time passes.

Besides, it's only, uh, dinner in the office.
I mean it's not Le Cirque.

- How'd you know that it was in his office?
- Well, wh-where...

where the hell else are they gonna go
at 4:00 in the afternoon?

It was around 4:00.
You already know about this.

- Come on.
- You're up to something, right?

- No.
- You both are. She's workin' the warden.

- You're makin' fake heads. You're planning
an escape. - How dare you?

I oughta shave your head and make you
sit under that camera all night, mister.

It's unbelievable. You know, I was worried that
this guy was gonna take advantage of Mom.

You both were taking advantage of him. I don't
know why I work to keep this family together.

Michael, can I talk to you
for one sec?

- And that's when George Sr. got a call from Lucille.
- Three, two, two, five, two.

Howdy doody, that's it.

Now, y-you get back here
so you can smuggle me out...

past the guards
before Michael starts blabbing.

You know what?
You can smuggle yourself out.

You wanna get away from me so bad?
You're free.

But I'm free too, baby.

I'm staying in the conjugal trailer
with the warden tonight.

Him?

- Hey, why is there an ambulance out front?
- Honey, the car is here.

Hey, do you need a ride?
I mean, you'll have to lie down, but...

I'm not goin'. The whole thing is a scam.
Mom was using that warden to try to get Dad out.

- She's not trying to seduce him at all.
- Oh, no. She is.

She's spending the night with him.
She just called to ask me to bring her...

a tube of "Vagis-table" paste.
Hi, George Michael.

- You're goin' too, huh?
- Yeah. I thought I would, um, just go with Maeby...

and support her through this whole
Graft Versus Host thing.

And Michael himself was feeling a little like...

the host that the grafting family
was rejecting.

Good. Great. Go. It's a very important cause.
So I'll just stay here and read.

But this, too, would prove challenging
as the family had no books.

Other than those.
And that's when Michael got a glimpse...

into the warden's true intentions
with his mother.

You were just using me to get even
with the man who broke out of your prison?

That escape cost me my promotion.

And you will pay for
the loss of $2,300 a year.

But you gave me presents.
We made love.

I've given you one last present.
Enjoy the chlamydia, Lucille. Ha, ha, ha.

Take this newly diseased
woman to the hole. Ha.

I wish I'd read
The Man Inside Me.

George Sr. needed to escape...

but his handmade replica
would never fool the cameras.

So he searched through Gob's magic stuff
to find something that might.

- Well, that was a freebie. - Hey, Gob, I'm glad
you're here. I thought you'd be at the gala.

Yeah, Dad made me move my stuff
outta Buster's room.

But only after hiding himself in the cage...

to get past the cops at the door.

- Go. - Mom's being set up.
We have to get into that prison.

- It's after lockdown. - Come on, Gob.
You were gonna break out of this place once.

- I know you can help me break in.
- It's not a Jamba Juice, Michael.

It shouldn't be that hard to break into.

And Buster returned only to find
no evidence of his uncle-father.

Hey, Father-uncle Dad...

I was just bringin' some juice for my pet.

Wait a minute.
You're not really smiling.

I'm Oscar. He did it again.

I told you he would.
I can't go through this again. I can't be caged!

And Buster realized
he needed to give his true father his freedom.

- Hey! Let's get him!
- But it was a freedom that didn't last long.

And as the prison gala was underway...

the guys arrived for their break-in...

with the help of one of George Sr.'s
instruments of escape.

- You think this is gonna work?
- It's a jet pack, Michael. What could possibly go wrong?

- All right. - Now just make sure you tell me
before you hit any buttons...

- Good. Now we know what the strap is for.
- Okay.

- Under the crotch. Yup.
- We need a new plan.

- Wish I knew the layout of this place.
- Way ahead of you, Michael.

Drew a map of it on my stomach.
It's upside down, so it might be a little awkward.

- It was awkward.
- I drew us.

- I think we're, like, right there.
- Hey, guys.

- If you're gonna party, you wanna bring it inside?
- That was a freebie.

Well, the new facility isn't so bad, huh?

It's a lot like school,
only it's air-conditioned.

So I guess we can just, uh... just choose a cell
to stay overnight in and, uh...

Oh, great. And you can take me through
your thoughts about the screenplay beat by beat.

Sure. Yeah. "Because anything can happen
when two people share a cell, coz."

It's a line from...
from New Warden.

Oh. Oh! Okay, yeah.
I don't know what I was worried about.

That would be the happiest moment...

George Michael
would ever experience in his life.

- And the warden was happy too.
- What a treat.

The man who cost me my promotion
ends up back in my care.

And I don't think there's going to be
an "I'm Oscar" Web site this time.

Think this time I'll do a podcast.

"Graft Versus Host."
Sounds like a tennis match...

between Steffi Graf
and Happy Days star Donny "Host."

- It's "Most."
- But it's far deadlier.

Hello. I'm Gob Bluth.

As a magician,
I can make a lot of things disappear.

There are some things
I can't make disappear...

no, not that candy ball machine...

the disease GVH without your help.

This is Tobias.
When Toby first came into the family...

none of us much wanted him around...

but that's because we couldn't see
what was on the inside.

But lately, that's all we've been able to see.

But what was Tobias to do...

Have his hair plugs removed?

The doctor says I'd be completely healed
if I were to do that.

- He just needs his hair plugs out?
- Doctor says that's the cure.

- There's a cure? - No way. That horsehair
is my ticket back into society.

You cut it after those idiots at the gala
accept me as one of their own.

We're giving money for this guy
to keep his hair transplants?

I'd rather give to TBA!

The crowd began to grow unruly.

We have a riot in the ballroom.

And, just as the prisoners had proven...

they could throw a gala
as well as the rich...

so the rich proved they could throw a riot
just as well as the prisoners.

- And Lucille was brought to the conjugal trailer.
- Mom.

- Michael, what are you doing?
- I cannot let you go through with this.

- You can't sleep with him.
- Oh, yes I can.

I'm making up for the heartbreak
your father has caused me. He doesn't need me.

- You don't need me.
- Of course I need you, Mom.

My heart is kind of broken too.
I've been kind of denying it lately, but...

um, you know, it just... I can't...
I can't deal with the fact...

that my family's falling apart,
now that I really need you.

Oh, Michael, honey.
I wanna cry so bad...

but I don't think
I can spare the moisture.

Well, listen. Here's...

The problem is that, uh,
Gentles doesn't really care for you.

He's just using you to get back at Dad for escaping,
at least according to his screenplay.

- You read it?
- Yeah.

- Did you like the chlamydia thing? I gave him that.
- You gave him chlamydia?

- He had "crabs," and I said, "You're gonna get laughs."
- Then what am I doing?

I mean, if Dad doesn't care, there's...
there's no real threat...

and, I guess,
just knock yourself out, huh?

Where's Gentles? I'll kill him!

- George? - Dad?
- I can't let you do this.

I can't let what we have...
as lousy as it may be at times... be destroyed.

This is where you escaped to?
To prison? For me?

No one is breaking this family apart.
No one.

You know what?
I think I needed to hear that.

Sorry about the wait.
George? If you're here...

who do we have
in the delousing tank?

- I'm guessing Oscar.
- No.

I cannot take another $2,300 hit.

I'll tell you what: You let Oscar out,
and you give us an hour in here...

and, uh, we'll call it even.

Please, Ward?

I can't say no to the woman
who gave me "chlamydia." One hour.

Are you ready to have some fun?

- I am so glad I didn't cry.
- That I didn't need to hear.

On the next Arrested Development.

George Michael gets closer to his family.

- Lockdown!
- That was close, huh, Maeby?

Oh, she's in the next cell. Looks like
we're gonna be bunk buddies all night, coz.

George Michael experiences...

his unhappiest moment ever.

Buster tries to forget
his recent losses...

by breaking out the old guitar...

- and Gob finally faces a phobia he'd faced before.
- No! Not here!

Wait, I've seen this before.
Oh, God, I've seen this before!