Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - Fakin' It - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael had received a witness list...

for his father's upcoming trial.

Who's on the list?
Any blabbers?

They've got one guy
who won't be talking.

That is, unless,
there's a hand inside of him.

- Please, Michael. Even then, I wouldn't
say anything. - That's reassuring.

- But I was referring to Gob's puppet Franklin.
- Yes!



- I got him in the system.
- You did this on purpose?

Oh, yeah. He is re-dyed, rested,
and ready to work.

Oughta be a good way to get some press.
Oh, I gotta tell Franklin.

- I think he meant "get Franklin."
- Am I on the list?

- We all are.
- Franklin, guess what.

- But I don't know anything.
- He hasn't heard anything from me.

- I don't know anything.
- You both certainly act innocent.

Buster knew a great deal...

for Lucille almost nightly
got drunk and told him.

Your father says he wants me
to go all the way to Fallujah.

I thought he meant the sex act
that's so popular with your generation.

I know you're awake. Faker!

More significantly, they've put
an N. Bluth on the witness list.

I hope that doesn't stand for what I think
it stands for. Whoa! I did not say that.



You did, Gob.
Your mouth moved. Your hand didn't.

Oh. Well, I should work on that.

Is there an N. Bluth in the family
that we don't know about?

They say there's been money found
in an account under that name.

Of course not.
The prosecution is trying to test us...

see if we're gonna
turn against each other.

They make stuff up.
She doesn't exist.

Uh, yet, you refer to her as a "she."

- He, she... What's the difference?
- Hear! Hear!

In the dark, it all looks the same.

They're probably just taking
a shot in the darkness.

But the good news is that
Jan Eagleman called...

and she is willing
to consider our case.

- Jan Eagleman?
- She's from the Justice TV.

Not another media whore.

You know, frankly, I think I can
put together a pretty good defense.

Oh, no.
He thinks he's a lawyer again.

Devotees will remember that Michael...

once played a lawyer
in a school play.

You know, just because
you played a role doesn't make it real.

Of course, Buster did grow up
to be Captain Hook.

- Not cool, Mom.
- Oh, please. You'd be a lousy attorney.

The first piece of evidence against us,
you'd run for the hills.

No, Jan is interested.
She carries a lot of weight...

and she is not
charging us anything.

Like to see a whore that does that!

Not the "carrying the weight" part.

But, on the other hand,
if it's free...

She wants us to do a mock trial.
Sort of a dry run just to get us ready.

I guess we could all use some experience
in the courtroom. I'll go check her out.

But I'll tell you all right now,
no one is going to lie on that stand.

And no one is gonna
betray the family.

Buster was nervous.

That's what all the rocking
and humming was about.

And Michael met with
Justice TV's Jan Eagleman...

who was currently doing
a tech rehearsal.

We're doing a tech rehearsal
for my new show... Judge Reinhold.

- It's a reality courtroom show. - You know
that there's an actor by that name, right?

This is what they put me in.
Why did I lose all the weight...

if they're gonna
put me in a pool cover?

- I'm sorry. Are you an actual judge?
- No. That's just a coincidence.

I read somewhere Judge Judy
made $25 million last year.

I'm, like, hey,
I never even heard of the guy.

So you just... You're doin' this
because your name is Judge?

Honestly, this is the first time
I put those two things together.

Maybe we should take "Judge"
out of the title...

and go with my original title:
Mr. Reinhold's Courtroom.

No, no, no.
We're changin' the name.

Thanks, Michael.

I've got 250,000 talking magazine ads,
and he wants to change the name.

My name is Judge.

- Hear you wanna do a mock trial.
- Mmm.

- Yeah?
- And we can do it here on the set.

'Cause I'm looking for Judge Reinhold
to have a little practice too.

- Uh-huh.
- I'll be acting as the prosecutor.

That way, I can see
how your family holds up.

Families that do well are
the ones that stick together.

Well, that's-that's us.

Um, we are going to need a defense
attorney, right, for the mock trial?

- And that's not gonna be cheap.
- You know the case. Why not you?

Yes. Yeah, give me a chance
to show my dad what I can do.

I'll-I'll-I'll show him.
I'll make a fool out of him...

while sticking together.

- Excuse me one minute.
- And that's when Michael found out...

his brother Buster was in a coma.

- What happened? How is he?
- We're waiting for the doctor.

I just pray it's one of those things where
he's unconscious throughout the entire trial...

and when it's over he wakes up
and gets a big toy.

Wait a minute.
Are you responsible for this, Mom?

Did you put one of your sons
into a coma so that he can't testify?

Michael, how dare you! Of course,
it crossed my mind, but this was all Buster.

- He got into your brother's pills.
- Not the Forget-Me-Nows?

He asked me for them. I didn't know.
I thought he was dating again.

Hope you don't mind me saying,
but these things can go on indefinitely.

My mother's been in that bed
for two years.

Oh, how awful!
We don't have a private room.

They won't let me take out
her feeding tube. And I'm lucky.

I have the resources to pay
for these medical bills.

You have resources?

- What good is my money if I can't bring her back?
- But you can't.

Money should be spent on dating.
Is that what you were gonna say?

- Let's go ahead and wait outside.
- So, you come here often?

Cute button.

- How is he?
- We're still waitin' to find out.

I got here as soon as I could.
Oh, the red tape.

- Looks a little bit more like Red Prawn, Dad.
- It's the shrimp fest.

Oh, the shrimp.

Do you realize Buster's probably
in this state because of you and Mom?

He's obviously afraid of what he knows,
and he's just trying to forget.

Does he know who N. Bluth is?

Right now, he doesn't know
who B. Bluth is.

I'm gonna need some real answers outta you,
because I've just discussed it with Jan.

I am going to be pretending
to be your attorney...

at the mock trial
before Judge Reinhold.

You're the lawyer? That's the same
representation Captain Hook had.

It's so good to laugh again.

- Oh, it feels good.
- It does.

They say seven minutes
heals all wounds.

Wait. Not the Judge Reinhold show
from all those magazine ads?

- They're all over the place. Look at this.
- My name is Judge.

I didn't even know that
this kind of technology existed.

I could use this
in my ventriloquism act.

There a bar here?

Well, Buster's in what we call
a light-to-no coma.

In layman's terms, it might be
considered a very heavy nap.

- Could that mean that he's faking it?
- Highly likely this is fake.

Although, there doesn't seem
to be very much brain activity.

- No. That's him. - I think it's very
important we remember he's fully insured.

- I say we see how this plays out.
- Absolutely.

We're gonna be here every day.

I don't care if it takes from now
till the end of shrimp fest.

If this young man gets bored, we need
a lot of volunteers here at the hospital.

Turning over the bedridden,
changing bedpans.

- Or there's a mall across the street.
- Oh, you want excitement?

Well, we have a group
of young people...

who put on fake weddings
for our Alzheimer's patients.

It actually would probably look pretty good
on some college applications.

- Would I have to touch the old people?
- Only their hearts.

You could be a groom.
Bring a little girlfriend up there with you.

- I don't have a girlfriend.
- Sister then, or a cousin.

Of course,
you're gonna have to kiss.

Guess who liked that idea?

He says he doesn't wanna do it. I'm actually
trying to respect his choices lately.

Great. I was just...
Well, don't answer for... I, um...

Yeah, 'cause I know exactly the cousin.
I mean, the girl.

I would want to give,
and she'll wanna give too.

And we'll do that together for them,
for the sake of...

It's a great day...

for being sad.

And later,
Michael was preparing for his case.

So I've got a date with the guy
with the brain-dead mom.

I mean, it's just a picket for them
to pull the plug on our loved ones.

Given up hope on Buster
pretty quickly there, Lindsay.

Listen, I know Buster.
I know what he wants.

Oh, I love soup.

If the only thing I could do was lay in bed
all day and eat soup, I'd be happy.

I wouldn't even have to taste it.
I could just take it through a tube.

That would actually be better,
'cause I wouldn't even burn my mouth.

Never let me die.

Yeah, he wants out. Anyway, you and I
both know he's probably just faking.

- Busy?
- Actually, I'm...

Check this out. My lips don't move.
You'll call me up to the stand.

Say something like,
"Who is this little friend?" And he'll say:

- My name is Judge.
- Whose name is Judge?

- My name is... - Okay.
- That's a silly name.

- That's enough.
- Judge. My name...

- Yes, I am judging your name. It am silly.
- Is...

- Please stop.
- Now you're correcting my grammar?

Gob, not gonna put Franklin on the stand.
And your lips are moving just a little bit.

- Judge.
- He's right. His name is Judge now.

You know, I think Dad
might actually have a case here.

I mean, I am concerned
about this N. Bluth.

But if it is indeed just a ploy on their part,
then the only bombshell they've got...

is a blueprint
of an Iraqi model home...

the same blueprint as ours
with no record...

that we actually got paid for it.

Although, this is strange. Looks like there's
a secret room in this one off the hallway.

I wonder if we've got that.
I'm gonna go check that out.

- Okay, and we're gonna go back to the hospital.
- Yeah, good. Check on Buster.

We do need to stick together
as a family on this.

Actually, gonna go swipe some more talking
magazines, but I'll make sure to poke the head in.

Bye.

And Michael found that
there was indeed a secret room...

where his father had stored the family
mementoes, including his birth certificate.

"Nichael Bluth"?

Am I N. Bluth?

Is he trying to set me up?
If I'm N. Bluth, I'm going to prison.

Nichael was worried.

Michael had just discovered
a hidden room in the model home...

where all the family secrets
were stored.

My dad's trying to pin all of his crimes
on N. Bluth, and I might be N. Bluth.

- Huh. - That's what it says
according to my birth certificate.

- All of our family records are up here.
- Hmm.

And for some reason, this stack
of bodybuilding magazines.

Well, I guess your dad must've
had these from way back when, huh?

- My name is...
- That seems kind of current.

Oh! Who am I trying to kid, Michael?

I was trying to beef up
to impress that wife of mine.

But now she's after some rich guy
who's trying to kill his mom.

I gotta go talk to my dad.
You comin' out?

No. No, I have
to fight for my wife.

I'm gonna keep my marriage alive.

One room over, George Michael...

was also trying to convince someone
to pursue a fake marriage.

We'd have to kiss. Wouldn't that be kind
of weird after what we've been through?

Well, that was a long time ago.

It had been two months since they'd kissed.

Well, it does sound like
a good twist on a wedding film.

- A-A film? - Without the corny
"runaway bride" bit in the middle.

- Oh, yeah.
- And so, like many people...

who no longer felt anything for
each other, they decided to get married.

I'm N. Bluth, aren't I?
Legally, that's my real name.

You've been doing all the Iraq business
under it thinking it wouldn't be traceable.

- But it is, and I'm going down.
- For God's sakes, it's a typo, Michael.

What kind of father do you think I am?
They even got your birth date wrong.

- That is my birthday.
- It's close to Christmas. Was that hard?

It's a coincidence, Michael.
You're not N. Bluth. There is no N. Bluth.

I called Jan Eagleman about this,
and she says it sounds pretty bad.

- You called her? She's with the prosecution.
- Just for the mock trial.

Yeah, but what if she wasn't?

I am glad we're having this mock trial,
because it has shown me...

that you cannot be involved
in the real defense.

- Oh, come on.
- Why can't you be like Buster?

He put himself in a coma
to protect this family, poor kid.

- I gotta get down there now.
- Shrimp fest is over, Pop.

Really?
Better go to Chili's.

Back at the hospital,
Lindsay had joined Brian in protest.

All they're doing in there
is trying to keep people alive.

- It's a life mill.
- Oh, hello, Lindsay.

I'd like to introduce you to a friend
of mine that I met at the gym.

- Hi. I'm Father Ben. - Ben is a Franciscan
who can bench-press over 200 pounds.

And he talked me into protesting too.
Show 'em your sign.

No, the other side, 'cause that...

Tobias, Brian and I believe in
the dignity of every human being.

Now, why don't we leave the fruits with
the vegetables and go get a coffee?

Do some pushups.

George Michael and Maeby
were also at the hospital...

putting on a wedding
for the Alzheimer's patients.

And now, they are truly family.
It is permanent...

eternal.

And Maeby did the thing
she had always thought was so corny...

I can't do this.
I can't do this.

- But we're not...
- What am I doing?

And ran away.

What are we gonna do?

Just give it a minute.

Now it's a bar mitzvah.

And as George Michael
acted like a boy becoming a man...

Michael returned to his office
to find a man acting like a boy.

- What's this?
- Just practicing my testimony. Fake witness box.

And you couldn't have just taken my stuff
off the desk first or unplugged my computer?

Justice is swift, Michael. Plus,
we need to be prepared for our testimony.

You're not doing any of that
"My name is Judge" stuff on the stand, okay?

No. They're all out of magazines at
the hospital. Besides, I've got a better idea.

Which he got at the hospital.

Patient presented with gastric bacterial
infection coupled with peptic ulcers.

Tetracycline should not be
administered due to allergies.

Check this out. You'll say,
"Who's this little friend?"

And I'll say,
"Well, he's not really feeling that well."

And you'll say,
"Oh, what's wrong with the little guy?"

And he'll say...

Patient presented with
gastric bacterial infection.

Wow. Sounds like you
could use some try-cycling.

Tetracycline should not be
administered due to allergies.

Your lips are still moving, and...
You stole the doctor's tape recorder?

- Just the tape.
- I'm giving it back to him.

- Come on, Michael! - Gob...
- I need this!

My career needs this.
You know what? Dad was right.

If you really cared about this family,
you'd be more supportive of me in this.

Gob, I'm not gonna turn
this mock trial into some kind of...

- You were gonna say mockery.
- I was in trouble, like, three words into that.

So Michael went back to the hospital...

when he had a visit
from the real prosecutor.

Wayne, what are you doin' here?

- We heard about the trial. We wanna
make a deal with you. - A deal?

- It's a mock trial.
- Read the Patriot Act.

Anything said in a mock trial
or daytime courtroom show...

can be used in any real criminal proceeding
or prime-time procedural show...

subject to the interpretation of the
presiding judge or the executive producer.

In our case, Judge Reinhold is both.

- Did he get EP?
- Sure did.

Good for him.
Anyway, put your dad on the stand...

get him talking,
and you get full immunity.

If you don't do it, we're gonna go after
N. Bluth, and we think that's you.

You're asking me to conspire against my own
client. Couldn't you go to jail for that?

- Think about it, Michael. It may be time to
cut and run. - We don't do that in my family.

Maeby had just
run away from a fake wedding...

that had gotten a little too real.

- You know about this room too?
- Yeah, it's my dad's exercise room.

Although, for all her worldliness...

Maeby was still
a child in many ways.

Yeah, I-I come here to think myself
sometimes. But I always knock first.

I-I always do that. I always do that
anyway, no matter what room.

- So what happened back there?
- I don't know.

I guess I just got
a little weirded out.

I mean, we're cousins.
It's wrong.

Well, you know, the Torah tells us
that the larger wrong...

is to put our own feelings
before the commitments we've made.

You know, towards the sick,
aged and gross.

- That's not in the Torah.
- And, I mean, you know...

we weren't there
for ourselves today.

We were there
to bring happiness to others.

And I just... I just feel now like we left
a lot of old people sad there today.

Again, not true.

I mean, you know,
I'm not saying it's not weird for me too.

I'm saying maybe we could take those weird
feelings and turn them into something positive.

He really wanted that kiss.

I mean, I guess it would be
a good way to freak out our parents.

Let's freak them out.

Hey, you guys know
about this room too, huh?

I'm just lookin' for some evidence for
my trial against Pop-Pop... for Pop-Pop.

I mean, seriously, Doctor,
when are we gonna know something?

- I'm tryin' to get on with my life.
- So is what remains of Buster.

Dr. Farmer,
there's a problem in 302.

The patient's having a bad reaction
to the tetracycline.

Tetracycline?
Didn't I say not to give him that?

Didn't you listen to my notes?

I'm trying to get on with my life,
and you know what? You can't deal with it.

- No, I can't, Lindsay.
- You're not interested in me.

- And you're not capable of intimacy.
- Well, just fake it!

Coma.

And, believe it or not,
that actually got through to them.

Now, will you please turn on the Cartoon
Network and get the hell out of here?

And the next day...

the mock trial began,
as did the mock episode...

of what had
now been renamed...

- Mock Trial with J. Reinhold.
- Mock Trial with J. Reinhold.

Take one.
In five, four, three...

All rise for acting's highest honor,
Judge Reinhold!

Judge Reinhold is neither a real judge,
nor has he received acting's highest honor.

Wow. Thank you.

That's the first time I ever got
a standing ovation before the show.

- They're not clapping.
- They don't in a courtroom.

Please be seated.f

The proceedings got under way...

and the Bluths set about pretending
they were a family that stays together.

You never heard anyone
in your family discuss plans...

to either travel to Iraq
or do business there?

Well, I spend so much time
making sweet love on my wife...

that it's hard to hear anything
over the clatter of her breasts and...

- Your witness.
- I have nothing.

Oh, how should I know
where the money comes from?

I just know where it goes...
to taking care of my poor comatose son.

And if this were the real trial,
I'd cry here.

I'm saving my good stuff too.

- I have no cross at this time.
- This is why you're not handling my real defense.

I have one witness, Dad,
and he'll clear everything up.

- Gob had a little trouble.
- State your name.

My name is Judge.

What kind of name is that, magazine?

I'm just gonna go ahead and jump
in right here. I have nothing for him.

But now, it was Michael's turn.

Listen, have fun out there,
because this is the last time...

you're gonna see this side of a courtroom till
your second wife divorces your freckled ass.

Look at that.
You just blew your wedding speech.

I'd like to jump right ahead
to calling a surprise witness.

- Only witnesses on the list.
- Oh, he's on the list.

I would like to call to the stand...

Franklin Delano Bluth.

- You're callin' Franklin, Mikey?
- I sure am, pal.

I support my brother.

Your Honor, this is highly unusual.

Well, I'm very curious to see
where this is going. I'm gonna allow it.

But I'm warning you, Mr. Bluth,
this better make for a good promo.

I was approached by
the real prosecution recently...

and was asked if I would be willing
to turn on my family and save myself.

Would you please
press the play button...

on the tape recorder
inside the puppet?

If you don't do it, we're gonna go
after N. Bluth, and we think that's you.

You're asking me to conspire
against my own client.

Why do there have
to be puppets like Frank?

- Think about it, Michael.
- Well, it looks like we've got a mistrial.

But on the plus side,
we've also got a hung jury. Hit it!

You did good out there, Michael.

But it's just a mock trial.
Why don't you just take it to the grand jury?

Wanted to prove to you that I could do it.
I'm going to a grand jury with that now.

Actually, Michael had no idea...

that's what he was supposed to do.

Nice job. You have a real shot. You all
stuck together, and that's what wins cases.

We don't abandon each other.

- No one's closer than the Bluth family.
- They were.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

For as it turns out, the fake priest
was called to a patient's room...

and Father Ben filled in,
not knowing it was fake.

And that's how
the kids got married.

On the next
Arrested Development.

Mock Trial with J. Reinhold
leads to imitators.

All rise. Bud Cort is now in session.

- Please be seated. - Hard to sit when
you got someone's hand up your ass.

All right, let's lose the puppet.

And Michael discovers
that he wasn't N. Bluth after all.

I have an older sister?

So much for not abandoning family.