Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Afternoon Delight - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael was using
the Bluth Company crane...

to retrieve the family-owned frozen banana stand
after it had been dumped in the bay...

a holiday tradition
among the local youth.

- Soon he returned home so that he and his son-
- George Michael?

Could share
their holiday tradition of rebuilding it.

- Another one of Dad's suits?
- Hey, I'm the president now.

I'm filling Dad's shoes...
literally, except his shoes don't fit.



But I did finally get
into Dad's pants...

although I had to have
the crotch taken in a little.

You know, Gob, maybe it's the suits,
but I think you may be beginning...

to alienate some
of the employees down at work.

What? Oh, that's great.

The president has to worry
about alienating the employees now.

In fact, Gob had started
to alienate some ofhis colleagues.

The worst that could happen is I could
spill some on my $3,000 suit. Come on!

- Hey!
- The guy in the $4,000 suit...

is holding the elevator for the guy
who doesn't make that in three months.

Why don't I just take a whiz
through this $5,000 suit?

Come on! They like me just fine.
You'll see that tonight...

when they toast me at the Christmas party,
just like they used to with Dad.

They used to roast Dad
'cause they thought that...



he had a sense of humor about himself,
but he didn't, and neither do you.

Hey, nobody laughed louder
than me at any joke about Dad.

You're the one who's all Mr.
"I take myself too seriously all the time."

Michael did tend to take
the Christmas party somewhat seriously.

Merry Christmas. You can go ahead
and put that right in the charity barrel.

Thanks a lot. Sorry, pal.
We just can't have them resent us.

I know some of the numbers haven't all
added up, and there is some speculation...

that George has been into the kitty-

"Into the kitty"! That's awesome.

Fire Tom
and get your jackass brother out of here.

This year I'm not officially president,
and it'll be nice to actually have some fun...

with my son
at a Christmas party.

- Thank God I don't have to go.
- So glad to hear you say that.

I wanna meet someone there.

What? So I'm not invited to
the Bluth Company Christmas party?

Oh, honey, of course
you can go if you want to.

- Thanks, Mom.
- No. You're not going to that.

You see, if I show up with you,
it'll just make me seem like I'm a mother.

- I've never thought of you that way.
- That's sweet.

Well, I won't be going. I will
be head to toe in blue makeup until 8:01...

in case the Blue Man Group
needs their understudy, so-

No, no, you have to go.
So when men find out...

we're in an open relationship,
they'll see you're no threat.

People hear the name Tobias,
they think big, black guy.

Well, obviously I'm not a big guy.

I'm not a Carl Weathers, par exemple.

I forgot about Carl.
Is he still single?

Hey, George Michael, I need you
to help me fix up the banana stand.

No, I can't. I was supposed
to go to Ann's parents' Christmas party.

- We're makin' yams.
- Tonight? Tonight is the office party.

Well, did you want me to go to that? You're
always telling me not to have fun at those things.

Yes. We might even
snatch a gift from the charity barrel.

Oh. Okay, well-well, I think Ann's parents
are having their party on Bethlehem time...

which is pretty early,
so maybe I can make an appearance.

Make an appearance?
Uh- Uh- No, no. It's okay.

- You be with Yam. It's fine. It's good.
- It's Ann.

It's good. Have fun.

The boy's pulling away from you.
Are we having yams?

Yeah, I don't know what's goin' on with him.
You know, he's on Bethlehem time.

He's spending every moment
of the day with this girl.

- It's, like, I'm his father.
He should be spending most-
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't get involved. Believe me. When
I thought your first wife was driving us apart...

I did not make a stink.

You complained all the time,
and she was my only wife. And she died.

Well, see, things have a way
of working themselves out.

Nonetheless, it's family first at the holidays.

- Oh, God. It's Mom again.
- Put it on speakerphone.

I wanna hear
her beautiful voice.

Michael! There's a hole in the window!
There's been a break-in!

- Get over here!
- I'm leaving now.

Sounds tense.

That means she's not gettin' any
from my brother, Oscar. Lovely. That's nice.

I heard about the banana stand,
and now there's been a break-in.

But I have a surprise
for whoever it is if he comes back.

First I blow him;
then I poke him.

Guy has no idea
what he's in for.

You know, Mom, all the glass seems to be
on the outside. Plus, here's your little statue...

so I guess what this says to me is,
I doubt anyone was trying to break in, Mom.

If anything, someone was trying
to break out. Where is Oscar?

Well, he's on his walkabout
or pilgrimage.

Every year,
Oscar attempts the 420-mile walk...

from Newport Beach
to Berkeley, California.

In the 12 years
he's attempted this...

he's never made it past U.C. Irvine.

He calls it a quest to recharge his chi.
I call it an excuse for him...

to score his pot
and wag his pickle at coeds.

You sound mad, Mom, mad enough
to throw one of these little lady heads at him.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Well, maybe you're a little bit lonely...

and you're acting out
for attention.

That's ridiculous.
I want you to move in with me.

What? No. No. No.
No, no, no, no.

Didn't you adopt a child for this very reason?
So that you would never be alone?

Michael, a mother doesn't have a child
to give herself company.

- Annyong was to teach Buster a lesson.
- And where is that little lesson?

I sent him to the Milford Academy to
teach him a lesson. I can't remember about what.

And Buster left this morning
to finish his army training.

In fact, Lucille had refused
to drive him to the army base...

so Buster was taking
his very first bus ride.

- I can't change a hundred.
- Oh.

Oh, God. Oh.

And that's when Buster
saw something interesting.

That could be good for army.

Whilejust 20 yards away,
Michael went to work repairing the banana stand.

What are you doin' here?

My mom signed me out of school early,
so she wouldn't have to pick me up later...

so she wouldn't be late
for the Christmas party.

- That's about the worst thing I've ever heard.
- I had to drive...

- because she had a little bit of a buzz on.
- No. That's it.

- You doing this alone?
- Yeah. Well, thanks.

I guess George Michael's gettin' a little too old
to hang out with his dad.

- Yeah, and I'm getting too old
for my mom to be with me.
- You know what?

- Maybe we should go to this party together.
- Really?

Yeah. You're my little niece. I think
we should be spending more time together.

- And if it makes my mom jealous-
- And George Michael can run back
to his precious Ann.

Great. Good deal.

Michael and Maeby stopped
by the office to see if Gob needed help...

for the party
that was now hours away.

...king $6,300 suit!

- Come on!
- Hi there.

- What's she doin' here?
- Merry Christmas to you too, Uncle Gob.

- Everything all right?
- I just don't want people's kids
getting their sticky fingers...

all over these $2,600 pants.

Oh, yeah? You think
they're gonna go right for the pants?

Okay, okay, okay. So, should-
should- should- should, should, should-

- Shh.
- Should- should- should-

We'll do it your way.
I'm just here to have fun.

Not too much fun, all right? I already
gave my big sexual harassment speech today.

And please refrain from
discussing or engaging...

in any sort of interoffice-

Or-
Or finger-

Or- fisting
or-

Or even- even though
so many people in this office are begging for it.

And if anybody does anything
with my sister Lindsay...

I'll take off my pants,
I'll shave-

And I'll personally-

- Let's get this going.
- What are you talking about?

Now? You're not gonna let these people
go home and change their clothes?

I don't think we need people tryin'
to compete with what I'm wearing.

Everybody, come out of your offices, please.
The party has now started.

Here we go. Let's go.

Everybody dance now.

Everybody dance now.

I think we're off
to a great start.

And so, Michael started
to become relaxed, and a short time later...

his mother arrived anything but.

Someone broke in again.
The liquor is gone. All of it- gone.

In fact, Gob had stolen it earlier that day...

to cut down on the cost
of the party.

- Hey, need a hand with that?
- No, Al. I wanna spill booze all over my f-

- I'm all alone there, Michael.
- You know, Buster's only
stationed about five miles away.

In fact, Buster never went to the army.

He'd gotten hooked playing the skill crane
and missed his first day.

- Somewhat ashamed and with nowhere
to go, he returned home.
- Hey, Buster.

Buster!

Thank God you're back!
There's no shame in being a coward.

A coward? I'm not a coward.

- Would a coward have this?
- What the hell is that?

These are my awards, Mother,
from army.

The seal is for marksmanship...

and the gorilla is for sand racing.

- You're doing well?
- I was just dropping these off.

Now, if you'll excuse me, they're
putting me in something called Hero Squad.

You have no idea what it's like
to be abandoned by your son.

Do you see my son?
He chose his girlfriend over me.

How the worm has turned.
Look who feels the sting of an ungrateful child.

Mother, you have
to receive something to be ungrateful.

I'm not gettin' worked up over it tonight.
I'm not gonna let anything bother me.

Good. I'll get a drink and then go home
and wait for you to come stay with me.

Thank God they've got my brands here.

This was an unacceptable solution.

Hey, Tobias, it's Michael. I hope you get this.
I need you to go over to my mother's tonight.

Unfortunately, Tobias missed the call...

and it went through
to Michael's home voice mail.

The Blue Men!

You have
101 unheard messages. First message.

- Michael, it's your mother-
- Michael, pick up.

Happy Thanksgiving- Michael, it's Mother-

Michael, pick up-

- Hey, Tobias, it's Michael.
- Bluth Company.

And Lindsay showed up
at the Christmas party.

Unfortunately, she didn't realize the employees
had been threatened against flirting.

Oh, hello, Ted. Oh, if you're worried
about my husband, it's fine.

He's no bigger than a Cub Scout. You could
take him, and you could certainly take me.

This has been pleasant and professional.
Good luck in the coming business year.

Hey, you guys are
sticking stuff on Gob's suit?
- Shh.

Go away.
You're gonna ruin it.

Aunt Lindsay,
how's the party?

It is the worst Christmas party
I've ever been to in my life.

Yeah. Watch this.

Yep. Like my last 10 years. And my daughter
won't give me the time of day.

- How was your party?
- Oh, it was good.

They're kind of religious,
Ann's family, so it was-

Yeah, it was just kind of-

The word George Michael
was searching for was "creepy."

Let me give you a hand
with that, little fella.

Hey, I was talkin' to the sound guy,
and he said he's got this karaoke thing.

- Yeah. Let's do it. Put the first song on in the book.
- Okay.

Okay? Thanks very much.
Hey. I thought you were at your party.

No, no. They said I could leave
for the second hour of silent prayer.

But Ann and I do have to go back,
so I should- I should go soon.

- Uncle Michael-
- Okay. I'll be right there.

Sorry. I gotta go do this.
I'll be right back.

And Michael
sang a duet with his niece.

My daughter doesn't need me.

Neither does my dad.

Had George Michael
and Lindsay stayed, they might have discovered...

what Michael and Maeby did- that
"Afternoon Delight"was more adult-themed...

than its innocent melody
would have you believe.

- Hang on, Maeby.

Listen. I'm gonna
go get some more punch, because it is toast time.

Okay? No, no, no.
It'll look worse. Go that way.

So, let's toast me.
Who's first?

Huh. Tom, why don't you come up here
and talk about me for a few minutes?

Uh, I wanna thank
the Bluth family for hiring me back.

It's been a tough couple years.

- My brother did that. Talk about me.
- Oh, okay.

Uh, you certainly
do love those suits.

At seven grand, you'd better believe I love 'em.
I mean, look at what you're wearing.

You look like crap.
I mean, at least this is-

Who did this?

You do this, Tom?

- No.
- You're a real smart-ass. You know that, Tom?

Look, I don't know him very well...

but Gob seems like
he'd be a really smart boss.

Please don't laugh.

Look, he's a great magician.

- That's even better!
- you, Tom.

- Please don't.
- You know what? You're fired.

No. You're all fired,
each and every one of you.

Merry Christmas.

I didn't know the lyrics.
Where's everybody goin'?

- We don't work here anymore.
- What?

Is your sister still around?

The Christmas party had been a disaster.

I did the right thing, Michael. If I don't
fire them, how do I teach a lesson to the others?

- There are no others. You fired everyone.
- Oh, that- that's great.

The guy who's dirty dancing with his niece
is gonna tell the guy in the $3,600 suit...

how to run the business.

- Come on.
- I know. Maybe we're better off...

with me being businesslike and you
being the good-time, useless party guy.

- It got us this far.
- Mm-hmm.

And I must say that I miss the laughter.
Oh, God, how they used to laugh with me.

At you. We gotta figure out a way
to hire everybody back.

- A meeting.
- A party.

- No. We just had a party.
- Yeah, but I didn't get to have any fun.

So Michael went to work
on another Christmas party...

this time with the help
ofhis niece.

I appreciate you doing this.
I didn't wanna ask George Michael.

Did you see that he showed up at the party
for five minutes and left without saying good-bye?

- Hey, my mom doesn't even wanna
be in the same room with me.
- Michael...

I was almost attacked
last night in my own home.

I walk in, and there's a colored man
in my kitchen.

- "Colored"? What color was he exactly?
- Blue.

Hello, Lucille.

- I sent him to your house to keep you safe.
- Well, he did a terrible job.

Didn't he? I need someone else, someone better.
What about this one? She's got thick arms.

Mom, you just need to calm down a little bit.
You're so tense.

How am I supposed
to calm down?

Sounds tense. That means she's not
gettin' any from my brother Oscar.

Maybe I should move in with you.

And Michael realized
he needed to retrieve his Uncle Oscar.

How would you like
to go on a road trip?

No. I wanna stay here
with her. Let's go.

And so the two of them
prepared to drive up the coast.

You're in charge of the radio, and we're
not stopping until we find Uncle Oscar.

There he is.

My mom is very stressed out,
and she needs something that I can't give her-

um, maybe a little
afternoon delight.

Oscar thought that Michael
was referring to a particular brand of cannabis...

named Afternoon Deelite,
a strain famous for slowing behavior.

Well, sure. The question is...

which way do I try
to get it in her?

I don't need any details.

- Maybe I'll put it in her brownie.
- Hey!

- What happened to you?
- What?

Oh, oh. My ears. The doctor said
I can't go to sleep for five hours...

or I might die or something.

Oh, I got blown,
so I can't sleep.

Hey, have you seen Maeby?

You're not gonna believe this. Apparently
my dad and Maeby took a drive up the coast.

- You're kidding me.
- Uh-oh. I should not have picked at that.

- That's blood.
- This is ridiculous.

- So she's got a new parent.
- Yeah. Now my dad's got a new kid.

I'm gonna lie down for a little bit,
but just- I c- I can't fall-

Hey, how would you like
to come to the party with me today?

And Oscar was giving Lucille
a little Afternoon Deelite.

- These are really delicious.
- I'll get some more.

Okay

Mm-hmm

Where did she go?

Soon, the second Bluth Company
Christmas party in as many days began.

- You are not fired, sir.
- I really appreciate that.

You got it. Here you go. Merry Christmas.
Where the hell is my brother?

Sure, the guy in the $600 banana suit.

- Come on!
- Hi.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Hey, don't be mad at me...

'cause you didn't think
about going out to Tarzana...

to get the old banana suit
out of storage.

But it's worth it, because it's time for me
to make people laugh again.

With me.

And what's funnier than a guy in-
Oh- Hey, wait. Hey.

Okay.

Later, Gob was inside the banana stand...

and it was getting pretty hot in there,
so he decided to lose a layer.

Hey, look. There's your mom and George Michael.
I guess they did come to support us after all.

Look at that. They're all over each other
with their little secrets.

- What can you do, right?
- Yeah.

How would you feel
about singing a little karaoke?

Unfortunately, Lindsay wasn't there
to see all of Michael and Maeby's song...

and was about
to have a similar revelation.

Could not be caught
that didn't bite

But you got some bait
a-waitin', and I think I might

- Try nibbling a little afternoon delight
- That's my wife and nephew.

- Skyrockets in flight
- We have an open relationship.

Just then, Lucille arrived,
craving a frozen banana.

And the effects of Lindsay and George Michael's
"Afternoon Delight"was overshadowed-

- Mom?
- by the effects of Oscar
and Lucille's Afternoon Deelite.

- Tobias-Tobias, watch out.
- Tobias couldn't hear-

- Tobias!
- and didn't manage to get out of the way in time.

What the hell was that?

And Gob couldn't move freely.
Lucille tried to stop...

but the car
hit Gob's banana peel.

I can't get out of here. I'm stuck.

Mom, are you crazy?
You could've killed somebody.

Hey, Mikey, relax.
It's just a giant banana.

And that's when Buster
saw an opportunity to be a hero.

- Gob?
- Mom, I'm stuck!

I got you, Brother!

And for the second time
since he became president...

Gob heard the sweet sound
oflaughter.

They're laughing with me, Michael.
They're laughing with me!

Unfortunately,
Buster's newfound skills...

did not involve
lowering gently.

Ooh. Oh.

Hey, it's Tobias.
Who wants to take me to the hospital?

And so father and son reunited...

rebuilding the banana stand
for a second time.

- Hey. Can I give you a hand?
- Hey. Yeah.

- That would be great.
- Okay.

- Oh, I'm sorry about-
It's embarrassing, the whole-
- Listen, I, uh-

I've been a little out of line lately.
You're entitled...

to be with your girlfriend,
and I guess I got a little bit jealous.

- Yeah. Well, me too.
- Yeah.

Okay.

- Gonna grab some afternoon-
- Afternoon

- It does not seem like it would be that dirty.
- It's- It is catchy.

Right. That's the thing.

On the next Arrested Development.

The Blue Man Group finally calls for Tobias...

With a life-changing opportunity.

Unfortunately, he can't hear it,
and his life stays the same.