Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - The One Where They Build a House - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael Bluth was at home
working on a plan to save the company.

How's this for a business model?
We make the company look like it's in the black...

by starting construction
on the phase two development.

I know what you're thinking,
we're not in the black.

How're we gonna build 30 houses without
any money? We don't. We build one-

then we have a huge ribbon-cutting ceremony
while raising funds for the others.

Michael's father always
unveiled his construction projects...



with a highly publicized
ribbon-cutting ceremony.

He even did so
for the prison he built...

and, somewhat ironically,
would later occupy.

The only difference is this time
I get to cut the ribbon. What do you think?

There's a cream
with real diamonds in it.

I can actually smear diamonds on my face,
and it's only $400 a tub.

That's like, what, like
a million diamonds for $400?

- Mm.
- A million- diamonds.

- Okay.
- Is she on you about that diamond cream?

My husband's jealous because since
we decided to have an open marriage...

I've been doing
a little better than he has.

It is not a competition, Lindsay.

We are doing this
to save our marriage.

But I should be telling you that I have
been meeting my fair share of groupies.



Or should I say "Bluepies"?

Tobias had recently
auditioned as an understudy...

for the silent performance
art trio, the Blue Man Group.

And this is "Kids" from Bye, Bye, Birdie.

He had yet to hear back from them.

You guys really think you have the guts to go
through with this "seeing other people" thing?

In fact, neither Lindsay nor
Tobias did have the guts to go through with it.

- I already have.
- I have too.

Can I buy you a drink?

No.
- Lindsay, because
she'd lost her self-confidence.

I'd like to buy you a drink.
Where's she going?

And Tobias, because
he was busy keeping an eye on Lindsay.

Who are you gonna bring
to this ribbon-cutting dance?

It's not a dance, and you don't need a date.
Although, George Michael...

I'd love for you to come with me
when I cut the ribbon at the new house.

Oh, wow.
Hey, can I bring Ann?

Who?

Ann. You know, she's- she's the girl
I'm kinda hanging out with.

- I haven't met Ann.
- Yes, you have.

- Michael had met Ann.
- You let her in.

See, that's her right over there.

- Oh, Ann. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Yeah.

I know Ann. Hey, you!
She's got a little hard-boiled egg going there.

Oh, it's so cute. She sometimes takes
a little pack of mayonnaise...

and she'll squirt it in her mouth,
and then she'll take an egg...

and kind of- mmm.

She calls it a mayonn-egg.

- Are you okay?
- I don't feel so good.

You know, I kind of wanna
buy her a diamond.

- Her?
- Ann.

I know I can't afford it, but Aunt Lindsay
was telling me about this diamond cream.

George Michael, um, I'm sure that Egg is
a very nice person. I just don't want you spending-

- It's Ann. Her na-
- all your money getting her
all glittered up for Easter.

You know? More importantly,
I want us to do this together.

Kinda like a father-son
sort of thing, you know?

And since Pop-Pop is no longer president,
we get to do it.

- I thought Gob was president.
- Yeah, and I don't have any problem with that.

In fact,
since Michael's father escaped from prison...

his brother Gob had been made president,
albeit in name only.

Which is why Michael was surprised
when he got to work the next day.

- You're still in my office.
- Gosh, Michael, I am kind of the president.

And I have no problem with that.
But it is just a title, remember?

Just doing this to appease the stockholders,
while they scrutinize me for Dad's crimes.

Hey, Dad may have illegally built some homes
in Iraq, which is kinda not cool.

I know, but that's why
I've got a business model...

that I think is going
to restore the image of our company.

We're going to build
a second model home.

That's great.
Can I announce it to the board?

Gee, it is my business model.

If you had a business model, then by all means,
go in there and do your little dance.

Tell you what we're gonna do.
Rock, paper, scissors for it.

- No, no, I'm not interested in doing-
- One, two, three.

- Paper covers rock.
- It is a rock though. It should beat everything.

There's not a lot of logic to it. It's like
on a boat with "Women and children first."

Why should they-which, before I forget,
I'm buying a company boat.

Sorry?

That morning, Gob had gone to a
boat show, where he saw something he wanted.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- What a beauty.
- Thank you.

- I meant you.
- Well.

Gob flirted with her
for a while, and finally asked for her number.

- Let's get some digits.
- I'm sorry. I don't give it out without a firm offer.

Oh, I'll make you a firm offer.

Unfortunately, she wasn't flirting.

And here again, please.

- The Seaward.
- You're not getting a boat.

- One, two, three.
- No, not gonna do it.

- Paper covers rock.
- Fine. But rock sinks boat.

- Michael?
- Mom, I'm right in the middle of something.

- Get rid of the Seaward.
- I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

It's about your Uncle Oscar.
I want him to move in with you.

You're not kicking him out
already, are you?

Michael's uncle
had recently moved into Lucille's apartment...

where they quickly rekindled
a long-dormant romance.

- It was a secret she hoped to keep-
- Oscar, we'll be heard.

- and he didn't.
- That's what makes it so hot.

Mother?

Mother!

- I heard zoo noises.
- It's nothing. Go back to bed.

So, everybody's still up, huh?

It's not fair to Buster.
He's a nervous wreck right now.

He's going into the army,
for God's sake.

You volunteered him.

I knew you were going to
throw that in my face.

Don't worry about it, okay?
They're never gonna take him anyway.

At that moment, Buster was taking
his physical at the recruitment center.

I don't have a hole in my heart.
I've never opened my eyes underwater.

My-
Reproductive organ...

is shaped like-
a lobster tail...

but without its shell, hmm?

Oh, I guess I have the panic attacks
under control.

Oh, and I'm legally blind at night.

But Buster had miscalculated
the army's current need for personnel.

Okay, then, let's get you fitted
for a uniform.

What? What?

Hey, why don't you volunteer Oscar?
That would solve both of your problems.

He'd never cut his hair.

That hair.

Listen, Oscar's your problem. I'm taking care
of everything else in this family...

including starting construction
on a second model home.

We're having
a ribbon-cutting ceremony.

We can't have a ribbon-cutting
without your father, and he's God knows where.

George Sr. Was in Mexico...

with his escape accomplice
and ex-secretary, Kitty.

I keep eating so many eggs. It must be
my unconscious desire to have a baby.

Oh, my God. Can you even imagine how cute
the combination of the two of us would be?

I mean, we're all out of
"prophylacticos" anyway.

Somebody used the last two on his feet
to walk across the bathroom floor.

But he was growing tired
of their confined intimacy.

- I've made a huge mistake.
- Hey, it's me.

- Dad?
- Yeah. Listen, I gotta make this quick.

You're the only one who can save the family,
but you gotta keep the company strong...

because I'm gonna need
some of that money later.

I will, Dad. It's funny,
after all these years of...

- you making fun of me for the magic shows and-
- Gob!

Oh, for God's- I called to talk to Michael,
you horse's-

- Gob was hurt.
- Bye, Pop.

Hey, whoa, whoa, was that Dad?

Yeah, I had to, uh, jump off.

You just had Dad on the phone?
Where was he?

No way to tell, really.
Portugal.

- Down South America way.
- Well, did he wanna talk to me?

No, he wanted to talk
to the president.

- I have no problem with that.
- Michael was also hurt.

And George Sr.
Was brutally hurt...

when he was mistaken
for his twin brother Oscar.

Marijuana? No, no.

That's my brother.
"Brothero. Brothero."

That night, Lindsay headed to the club...

to try again to meet someone.

Soon, having struck out again,
she spotted a man who looked interesting.

He had the lean look,
effortless hair...

and dressed-down manner
of a movie star.

- Buy me a drink?
- I think the bar's closing.

I know a place.

It was at that point
that Lindsay had a startling revelation.

Uh, uh, uh, you get out.
Get out. Get out. Out, out, out!

- No homeless in here!
- Homeless? You're homeless?

You're gross. Oh, God.

They're taking me in the army. They didn't
think there was enough wrong with me.

Well, did they check everything?

Yes. They even touched my Charlie Browns.
You lied to me.

- You said I wasn't fit to serve.
- Okay, hold on.

Let's calm down, people.

Um, I think I know a little bit
about avoiding combat duty.

Now which pinkie do you use less?

Are you nuts? Do you know
what I went through to have this boy?

Oh, I know where the boy came from.

Wait.
Why were you in the pantry?

And Lucille realized
it was time to end...

whatever it was
she had with Oscar.

So, I believe it's a good plan.

The next day, Michael was ready to wow
the board with his new business model.

As I told my brother,
the president...

if we start construction
on a second model home...

we can be cutting this ribbon
within two months.

I said, "That's why you're
no longer president."

Two weeks.
Let's do it in two weeks. Hey!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Can we stop the music?

I'm not as optimistic that we can get that done.

Gob, I think we both agree
that we would do things your way...

if you had a business model.

Do you have
a business model, Gob?

I am so happy
that you asked me that, Michael...

because I just happen
to have a business model right here.

Solid as a rock

Meet Starla, the new Bluth Company
business model...

for our phase two campaign.

Solid as a rock.

We'll see you at the ribbon-cutting
in two weeks...

if my brother doesn't
screw it up first.

- Hey!

Gob had committed Michael
to building a model home in two weeks.

We can't build a house in two weeks.
Also, I'm not sure how "Solid as a Rock"...

helps people forget the fact
that we built houses in Iraq.

- I love that.
- But you probably know best
because you're president.

We don't have to build
a real house, Michael.

Like you said, it's all for appearances anyway.
We throw up a couple of walls.

- We build a fake one.
- What are you talking about?

Nothing on the inside.

I'll never get a crew to build it.
They'd lose their licenses.

Then you build it
yourself, damn it!

Hey, there she is,
my little business model.

Sorry about that
"build it yourself' crap.

I might take her
to the ribbon-cutting.

- You end up finding a date yet?
- No.

As Michael grew frustrated
by his relationship with Gob...

Lucille tried to end hers
with Oscar.

- I want you out of the house.
- Oh, I want you everywhere.

Oscar, no. I can't have this in my life
anymore. I'm a married woman.

Lucille, you wanna leave?
I won't chase after you.

But before you do, ask yourself,
"Where's your husband?"

Because I am here. I am real.
I am flesh and blood.

And hair.

Oh, God, that hair.

What will people say?

They'll say,
"Those people are in love."

That night, the evening news
report said something very different.

Lucille Bluth, caught on tape
breathing life into a homeless man.

The surprising home video
at 10:00.

And Michael prepared to build a house.

Two weeks?
But what if my date's not available?

I'm trying to get a last-minute crew together.
Your inability to get a man interested...

- is not at the top of my list.
- Oh, I've got a man interested, Michael.

- What's wrong with him?
- There's nothing wrong with him.

He is homeless.

Well, I didn't know
he was homeless at the time.

- It was humiliating.
- Is this about Gangy's homeless guy?

- Gangy's homeless guy?
- Yeah, it's all over the news.

Gangy gave C.P.R.
To a homeless guy on the beach.

Lindsay felt respect for her mother...

and decided that perhaps she could overcome
her pride and help someone too.

I've got someone for your crew, Michael.
My boyfriend, the homeless guy.

I wonder if he even has an apartment or-

- Hello.
- Did you see the news?

Your Uncle Oscar forced himself on me
at the beach today...

- and I didn't have my horn.
- Of course.

It was Uncle Oscar. Mom,
you're not having an affair with him, are you?

You're building a house?
I want you to give it to him.

- It's not a real house.
- Perfect. He's not a real man.

And George Sr.
Made his case to the Mexican police.

My God, I was beaten up here. I'm telling you.
I'm George. I'm not Oscar. I'm George.

- The Cornballer.
- Ss?. The Cornballer.

George Sr. Had marketed
a device called the Cornballer in Mexico...

after the severe burns
it caused led to it being banned in the U.S.

- Why, did you have one?
- Ss?.

Lindsay, meanwhile,
was having trouble finding her homeless man.

- He looked like a movie star.
- The man looked like a movie star
because he was a movie star.

His name was Tom Jane, and he was making
two movies for a major studio.

One was a gritty personal project
about a junkie's life...

which he got to do
in exchange for making...

a rigidly, formulaic popcorn movie.

- He was living on the streets, researching his role.
- Hey, homeless guy.

- Hey.
- I'm not proud of the way...

I was so grossed out when I found out
you were gross before.

You really thought
I was gross, huh?

Well, at first, I thought you were kind of hot,
but I hadn't looked closely enough.

Listen, I have
a construction job for you.

And if you clean yourself up, who knows?
You might actually get a date out of this.

- Okay.
- See ya.

Okay, we've all made some sacrifices to be here,
but we all want the same thing.

- I wanna live here.
- I wanna buy Ann some diamond dust.

I'm just hoping to get mildly injured,
so I can get out of the army.

Bottom line is we've got two weeks
to build a house.

It doesn't have to be good.
It just has to look good.

I just want my kids back.

And so, the guys went to work.

Things didn't go smoothly at first.

Buster looked for ways
to hurt himself.

But soon the project came together-
when Gob stopped by.

Now we're building a house.

- Yeah, I'm pretty proud-
- So, what do you think? Did I do this or what?

Seems like your brother did it.

My brother does what I tell him to do.
I'm the president.

Where's your "P"?

What?
Oh, no, not again.

I got it.

Hey, sorry for the "my brother does
what I tell him to do" crap...

but I want this to be perfect
for when I cut the ribbon tomorrow.

You're cutting the ribbon?

I kinda thought
that since I built it...

- I might go ahead and give it a-
- Yeah, okay.

Can you imagine how
that would look to the board?

The construction worker cutting the ribbon.
No, no, that's a job for the president.

Michael had a problem with that.

- Gob had taken away something
Michael always wanted.
- You got the "P."

Now it was Michael's turn
to take something from Gob- Starla.

And later, Michael
set about his plan.

Gob, do you have
Starla's phone number?

I got a few business things
I'd like to go over with the business model.

Guess who was just over her?
Don't, I'll tell you- me.

- Hmm?
- L- the business model.

Actually, theyjust made out.

Yeah, she had
all kinds of orgasms.

Imagine that. I finally nailed
somebody that you weren't after.

That's it. I've worked too hard and too long
for you to keep getting all the credit.

I built that company, that house,
and I'm gonna be cutting the ribbon...

whether we're all pretending
that you're president or not.

Yeah, sure.
I just wanted-

- You just wanted what?
- I just wanted you to be impressed with me.

Dad never was.
Never said a nice thing about me.

He called you the other day.
He didn't even wanna talk to me.

Of course he did!
He never wants to talk to me. He never has.

- Cut the ribbon.
- Really?

- Yeah. How about that?
- Michael.

I have no problem with it.

- All right? Take it easy. Come on.
- Thank you.

The next day, the Bluth family
prepared to unveil phase two.

Have you seen your Uncle Gob around?

No. And I can't find that diamond dust
that Aunt Lindsay bought for me.

Oh, well, your Aunt Lindsay has probably taken it.
She's just a taker.

This is your chance, huh?
With the big ribbon-cutters after all these years?

Well, actually, I figured,
give Gob a chance, you know?

The guy doesn't get
a whole lot of attention in this family.

Ladies and gentlemen, the president
of the Bluth Company, Gob Bluth.

My brother wasn't optimistic
it could be done.

But I didn't take "wasn't optimistic
it could be done"...

for an answer.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you
phase two of the Bluth Company.

A house truly solid as a rock.

But as it turns out...

Michael was right to not be optimistic
it could be done.

And Buster
saw the chance to get injured enough...

to keep him out of the army.

But instead...

- got a glimpse inside.
- I can't look at that.

Unfortunately, Tobias had to.

I got the wrong homeless man.
I am sorry. I was looking for Lindsay.

You lied to me.
You both lied to me. I'm goin'to war.

- Buster, you can't!
- Yes, I can.

I don't agree
with your dirty doings here...

but I will defend with my life
your right to do it.

You planned this all along,
didn't you, Michael?

- No, I didn't. I had no crew. I had no time.
- You set me up.

Gob charged
at Michael with the scissors...

but Michael,
as he always did, picked rock-

- You wanted to make me look foolish!
- Put down the scissors.

- Put 'em down.
- Foolish with scissors!

Which beat scissors.

Unfortunately, the whole incident
was covered by the paper.

Nobody looks good in this.

- Especially that little dude.
- That's Ann.

- Who's-
- It doesn't matter. Listen.

You know I didn't set you up, okay?
I think the only reason you and I always fight...

is that since we were little kids,
Dad's always played us off each other.

Dad always said
that was your fault.

Anyway, what we oughta do
is make a decision right now...

not to let Dad get in the middle
of our relationship anymore.

- He's not even in town, and we're fighting.
- We're grown men.

- Yeah, let's just move on.
- Look at me. I'm the president of a company now.

Oh, that's Dad's line. I bet he saw the paper.

Listen, if you want my respect,
you won't answer that, okay?

It's just gonna
cause more problems.

Hello? They hung up.

They hung up on me.
Hiya, guys.

I couldn't get the money.
I don't know what happened.

- I'm impressed you hung up.
- Did I hang up?

- I meant to hit speaker.
- Oh.

- You gotta hit the line first.
- I'm hitting both at the same time.

- These are the lines. There's a line here.
- But she said-

- It's line and then-
- Hey.

I don't wanna wait until Dad's dead
for us to get along.

But it was too late...

as George Sr. Would be declared dead...

within the hour.

- From now on, we support each other.
- We start with a clean slate.

- Yeah.
- We almost did it though, didn't we?

We almost pulled it off.

- No, it wasn't even close.
- Yeah, a lot of people got hurt.

- This was very, very bad.
- Not great. Not great.

On the next Arrested Development.

Lindsay finds out the true identity
ofher homeless man.

Look. You're a really nice chick,
but I'm not homeless.

I'm Tom Jane.

And even though Lindsay
doesn't know who that is...

hearing that he isn't homeless
is good enough for her.

- Buy me a drink?
- You're really sweet, but, no.

I'm Tom Jane.

And Lindsay, crushed and alone...

for the first time
misses her husband.

Tobias.

Lindsay, I'm-

Is that George Michael's
diamond cream?

Oh, yes, well, I ran out of blue,
and I couldn't find anything else.

I think my nipples are bleeding though. I don't
know if you're supposed to use quite this much.

- That guy's a jerk.
- No, I am.

No, no, I am.

Because I think I need
to go to the hospital right away...

and see if I can't get some of this diamond dust
vacuumed from out of my lungs.

This way.