Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 2, Episode 18 - Righteous Brothers - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael Bluth was working
at home when he noticed something unusual.

That can't be good.

Okay, I checked underneath,
and there is a problem.

- You know this isn't a real house?
- It's a model house.

Well, the drain pipes aren't hooked up.
Just empty under the house.

- Plus, there's a lot ofblue paint down there.
- And some pieces of denim?

- Yeah.
- We've got a guy like that here.



Well, that's why
your living room is sinking.

And I think the city's
gonna have to red-tag it.

The city is sending out an inspector.

They're gonna be crawling over every inch
of this place. You're going to need to leave.

Where the hell do you want me to go?
Back to your mother's?

I believe there's a freeloading loser
in my bed.

Buster just lost a hand.
He's going through a lot.

I'm talking about Oscar.

Oh, yes. Your brother.
I can see why that would bug you.

In fact, Oscar had stayed with
Lucille primarily to reconnect with Buster...

- whom he secretly believed to be his natural son.
- Hey, Uncle.

I feel so responsible for that.

Oscar had gotten injured on a shoddy device
George Sr. Had invented...

- when he forgot Buster
was wearing a prosthetic hand.
- Buster! The Cornballer!



- It's my father's fault!
- My fault?

I was trying to keep you
from burning yourself, you idiot!

I mean, yes, yes.
George Sr. Sure rushed this to market.

The only reason she likes him
is he has hair.

And the only reason he has any
is because he's never had any stress.

Yeah? Well, you could save me
a lot of stress if you just turned yourself in.

No, never. I can't go back to the joint.
No, I cannot go back there.

- Hey, man!

Yeah!

- It's a hell-hole.
- I finally got the court to try you in absentia.

Which means we're not supposed to
have any idea where you are.

So you don't have to go to prison,
but you can't stay here.

Remember that French movie we tried to
sneak into once- Dangerous Cousins?

No, l-Why? Did we-

I don't remember that, no.

George Michael remembered very well.

In fact, he currently had a copy of the DVD
hidden in his sock drawer.

Kind of.

Why do you ask?

I got passes to the premiere of the American
remake. Supposed to be great.

It wasn't great, and Maeby knew it.

The studio at which she'd finagled a job
had hoped to avoid controversy...

by artlessly explaining that the two leads
weren't biological cousins.

Shut up and kiss me!

- Where is everybody?
- They've been fired.

And you gotta fix this,
or you're gonna be fired too.

- Cut it down if you have to.
- But it's only 71 minutes long.

And it's only, like, 63 minutes long.
So bring Ann.

No, that's not her kind of thing.

I mean, if it maintains any of the complex
eroticism of the French original anyway.

I like the way they think.

And later, at the office,
Michael had another surprise.

This can't be good.

"Michael, it saddens me
greatly to say to you...

"that I can no longer work
at the Bluth Company.

- You've been a great boss"-
- I'm sorry, Tobias. Do you work here?

Do I work- I developed an eating disorder
being your assistant, Michael.

I never saw you at the desk.

Well, excuse me if I was too busy
on my knees in front of the toilet, Michael.

"I have a tremendous opportunity...

"now that the Blue Man Group
has dropped their cease-and-desist...

"and invited me to audition in Las Vegas.

Also, I've developed
some issues with food"-

I'm sorry to interrupt one more time.
Is this the real Blue Man Group this time?

Tobias had recently been asked
to address a group of depressed men...

who had been described
over the phone as blue.

I feel like a- idiot.

Fortunately, I found a wonderful circle
of men to get me through that.

Oh, before I forget, your old secretary,
Kitty Sanchez, called...

and wanted to meet with you.

- I penciled her in for 4:00 today.
- Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, this is my fault too?

Everything- No. No!
I will not let this make me eat!

So get this. Tomorrow I gotta go on record
and say I don't know where Dad is.

And now Kitty Sanchez
wants to meet with me.

And meetings with Kitty
had never ended well.

- Say good-bye to these.
- Spring break! Whoo!

- Perhaps this'll jog your memory.
- Oh! They're crooked!

Plus, Dad will not leave the attic,
which means he's gonna get caught...

which means I'm gonna
get caught for hiding him.

Well, why don't you get Gob
to do your dirty work for you?

Shall I knock Dad out
and chain him to a pipe somewhere?

Or should I risk another
herpes outbreak with Kitty?

- Which is it this time?
- Definitely not one of those two things.

But are you upset about something, Gob?

I made you a thank-you gift last week
about which you haven't said word one.

Come on.
You asked me for $5,000...

so that you could invest
in a Franklin CD.

Now, I assumed that you were
talking about the mutual fund...

and not a compact disc
of you singing to your hand.

Gob had recently made
a recording ofhis ventriloquism act.

"Franklin Comes Alive." Take one.

He hoped it would break down racial
barriers and maybe be a crossover hit.

It ain't easy bein' white

It ain't easy bein' brown

All this pressure to be bright

I got childrens all over town

Sometimes-
Hey, where'd the guy go?

I tried to express something to you
in a couple of those numbers...

and maybe, just maybe,
heal this country a little bit.

But you, you didn't even
bother to listen to it.

I did listen to it.
L-l-l-I am listening to it. Gob. Hey.

Maybe the reason I didn't say anything
is 'cause I didn't want to embarrass you.

It's my favorite, favorite record.

Well, then you-
you- up.

Because I am so embarrassed.

It's a good CD.
It's a really good CD.

- I can't believe that you love it.
- I love it so much.

Oh, God. Oh, God, look at us.

Crying like a couple of girls.

Aw, you're the only one crying.
But I love the music.

- And the card with your face on it?
- And the healing.

Home run!

We'll do your dirty work
for you, Mikey.

- You leave the rough stuff to Franklin and me.
- Now I gotta listen to that CD.

- Hi, Dad.
- Right.

You remember Franklin.

- Hey, Franklin.
- My man!

- How 'bout some tongue?
- Wha- Oh-

But Franklin didn't want to kiss at all.

Gob had soaked
the puppet's mouth in ether.

And downstairs, Tobias shared
his good news with Lindsay.

"...once in a lifetime."

Tobias, I am not uprooting my life
and moving to Vegas.

Maybe this is a sign that our relationship
isn't working, and we should split again.

Wait a second. I thought we were split up,
and this would bring us back together.

Well, maybe the fact that we don't know
if we're together or not...

is a sign that we should split again.

Or stay split up.

Okay, forget about Vegas.
We'll stay here and get back together.

Or stay together and either
rekindle or fan this fire.

And soon, Gob was on his way to
dump his father on the police station steps.

Do you forgive me?

And he decided to let himself off the hook
using his ventriloquist skills.

I cherish you, Gob.
Come here and give me a kiss.

I'm driving, Dad.
Now!

It was weird.

And that's when Gob noticed the CD
and card that he'd made for Michael.

It's not even open. Michael!

Meanwhile, Michael's meeting with Kitty
wasn't as distressing as he'd thought.

The program has changed my life. And I have
a sponsor now. He's famous.

- That's great.
- I can't tell you who he is.

But let's just say that
he was on Night Court.

- Well, you look great.
- I can tell you who it's not.

It's not Bull.
It's not Harry Anderson.

- I got it.
- He's white.

I know who it is.

What happens is, when I don't have
a man in my life, I tend to go a little crazy.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I'm keeping it together now.

And I wanted to tell you I'm not gonna
try to hurt you guys anymore.

- Don't suppose I can get that in writing.
- You did try to blow me up.

- Sorry about that.
- Just don't piss me off again.

You all right?

"Oftentimes the heart acts
without consulting the head, and thusly"-

Oh, I see you wasted no time
in filling my seat hole.

Oh, no, no. I just came by so that you
could say good-bye to these.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- It's the last time you're going to be seeing these.

How ironic.
I just found out I'm staying.

- Will you take these back?
- Okay, let's just all put our tops down.

Just put 'em on down.

You're not goin' to Vegas?

Sadly, my wife said no to my dream.

So I shall continue
to toil through this waking life.

Wow, you are so real.
Why can't I meet someone like you?

And Michael decided that he
better keep Kitty occupied with a man.

At least until after his meeting.

Hey, gang, I got an idea. Tobias, why don't
you take Kitty out for the afternoon?

Huh?

Are you trying to set up your former
assistant with your current assistant?

What a great idea for a
Hugh Grant-Julia Roberts type movie.

I recently heard that the actor, John Larroquette,
was looking for a meaty character piece.

And so, free of obstacles...

Michael prepared
to sign the affidavit...

maintaining he had no idea
where his father was.

You have not been in contact with him.
Are you prepared to do that?

Officers!

Michael, these men are here-
just a little bit early-

because we have
photographic evidence...

which discredits
the affidavit you just signed.

Are those balls? 'Cause the last time
we were here, they were balls.

These are not balls. This was taken
with a traffic camera.

It shows you in your car with your father
within the last 24 hours.

I wish they were balls.

Michael was in police custody...

after a photo ofhim helping
his father escape had turned up.

Did you see that picture?
That's you, right?

Were you holdin' up
a photo of me or somethin'?

Of course you don't recognize it.

- It's the card from the CD you didn't even open.
- You found that, did you?

Right between the gearbox
and the "pull back from aircraft" lever.

So this is how you repay me
for how I repay you?

I actually did not get
a chance to listen to it yet.

Probably should've told you,
but I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Oh, you're so sensitive.

Just like when you whipped up those tears
talking about how much you loved it.

I will listen to it, I promise. But I'm
in a lot of trouble here. Where is Dad?

I've got him stashed away
somewhere safe now.

- Get him, quickly,
otherwise I'm gonna be stuck in here.
- Good!

- I hope you rot in here!
- What-

And guess what else?
Dad kissed me.

How? He looked pretty unconscious
in that picture.

I didn't say he was totally into it.

And George Michael
tried to break up with Ann.

I can't go out tomorrow night,
'cause there's this movie premiere at-

It's kinda racy, but-

Oh, the cousin one? I can't believe it.
I was just gonna ask you to go.

- You want to see that?
- No, I want to get
the whole church group together.

We're gonna picket those bastards.

George Michael
had only heard Ann swear once before...

when hejoined some ofher youth group
to protest the home of Marc Cherry...

executive producer
of the hit show Desperate Housewives.

- It's a satire!
- There's nothing funny about fornication!

The bastard saw us!

And the promise of another kiss
was too enticing to turn down.

Well, yes. The bastards.

Oscar, meanwhile,
checked in on Buster.

Buster! Buster! Be careful!

- It's not a real hand, remember?
- I'm so forgetful.

- I hope you don't get that from me.
- Get that from you?

Do you feel okay?

Just forget it!

I wanted to share my Pop Secret with you.
Oh, but forget it!

Pop secret?

Pop se- Is Oscar my real father?

Lucille, meanwhile,
was on the phone with Michael.

They're keeping me overnight.
Could you tell my son I'm on a business trip?

- Why can't the girl at work do it?
- Tobias?

I sent him on a date with Kitty
to keep her off our backs.

You better hope Lindsay doesn't find out.
She'll be devastated.

- Find out what?
- Your husband's dating Kitty the whore.

He is? That's- That's horrible.

Do I know my daughter?

She only wants what she can't have.

Since you're devastating people...

tell Gob I'll be telling the cops
it was him in the truck...

so he'll be joining me here.

I've got a nice, hard cot
with his name on it.

- You'd do that to your own brother?
- I said "cot."

Where's Mother?

You lied to me. You said my father
was my father, but my uncle is my father.

My father is my uncle!

At that moment, the guards
played a CD they'd recently confiscated.

Now I got a special thank you
to the brother who made this happen.

Is that Franklin?

Michael realized that
he could never turn his brother in.
- Michael!

- Gob, meanwhile, was having a similar epiphany.

Barry, it's Gob.
Tell Michael not to testify.

I'm bringing in Dad.

Franklin.

You've ruined the act, Gob.

And Lucille confronted Oscar.

- You told him you were his father?
- I did no such thing!

- You're high!
- You're drunk!

Not this time.
I've had enough of you.

So say good-bye to these,
because it's the last time-

And Ann in a protest at the theater.

George Michael?
Are you protesting this?

- This isn't the line?
- Yes, he is protesting this.

He even helped me make the signs.

Well, only mine and the one that says,
"This is a tricky, gray area."

- What are you guys protesting?
- It's a disgusting movie...

about cousins
who are into each other.

Are there any more seats?

Yeah. It's the best 52 minutes
you'll spend all day.

Oh, no. We're making it worse.

Prepare to be swallowed
into the depths of hell!

- I guess that means no kiss?
- I'm not really in the mood for a kiss.

This isn't Marc Cherry's house.

- Where's your dad?
- I don't know. I just got here.

Oh, that's right.
Mother told me he went to jail.

I'm so mad at her.

- Guess who I just found out my father is?
- Jail?

Oscar! He didn't mean to tell me,
but I figured it out.

- No, I mean, my dad is in jail?
- I wouldn't worry about it. Barry's very good.

I'm going to take a long shower. I don't
even want to smell like Mother anymore.

I don't think we're supposed
to shower right now, Bus-

- Tobias back yet?
- No.

Oh, my God. He's really out with her.

- Are you drunk?
- Not enough.

I pushed him right into
someone else's skanky, bony arms.

Well, let me tell you something,
George Michael.

You have to grab love while you have it.
Don't let it get away.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, Maeby, everything's fine.
Your daddy's just out.

Yeah, we're doing great.

Mommy's gonna take a bath
with a bottle of wine.

- I don't know if we're supposed to use-
- So get this.

All the press actually made the premiere a hit.
There's lines for the next show.

Thanks, buddy.

Hey, look at that.
We didn't get swallowed up into hell.

And that's when George Michael
finally got close to Maeby...

who, by the way, might not
be his biological cousin.

Just then, Gob came home to retrieve
his father from where he'd stashed him.

- Dad's gonna be crushed.
- You don't have to tell him!

But Gob was referring
to his own father...

who he had hidden under the house.

Uh-oh.

Gob had hidden his father
under a house that had just collapsed.

Children, you're small.
Crawl under there.

- We don't want to go under there.
- He's not under there.

He got away. Thank God.

But then Gob remembered that this meant
Michael would have to go to prison.

- We-
- l-

And Michael and Barry
made their way to the arraignment.

Gob is bringing your father.
Everything is going to work out fine.

I wish they'd hurry up.
But I gotta tell you, I am a little torn.

My father, he has created
a lot of problems for the family...

and by staying in the attic he was insuring
I would go to jail with him, but-

Well, maybe I'm not so torn.

- Michael. Barry.
- Hey, Gob.

- Where's Dad?
- Great news. Dad wasn't crushed to death.

- Was there risk of that?
- Yes.

Well, I handcuffed him
under the house.

But he got free- the pipes I chained him
to weren't connected to anything.

- Oh, I'm not prepared for this case.
- Are you insane?

- No "thank you" for trying?
- I'm sick of you needing constant
validation for screwing up.

Let me tell you what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna tell them it was you in the stair car.

Well, let me tell you
what's gonna happen.

First, I'm gonna beat the crap out of you,
then I'm gonna call an ambulance.

Then knowing you, I'm gonna have
to wait for some kind of an apology.

Come here!

As the boys set to once again
fighting in front of the courthouse-

- Stop it! Stop it!
- the family began to show up for the arraignment.

I know you're in the middle of something,
but I'm afraid I can't work for you today.

I'm going to Vegas with Kitty.

But Lindsay wasn't
about to lose her man without a fight.

Over my dead body!

Oh, my-

Hey! Hey! I said- I said enough!

Now, stop it.

I am so tired of this family fighting.
The anger ends now.

You're brothers, and brothers
stick together no matter what.

Families stick together.

I have torn this family apart
with my lies and my cowardice...

but that comes to an end now.

So I'm turning myself in.

I don't want you to come
and visit me in prison this time.

'Cause you deserve Oscar now.

Tobias, I actually fought for you.

I can't believe it.

- I'm going to Vegas with Kitty.
- Huh?

Oh, George, I've lost you again.

Take back Oscar, Mother.

I think I lost him too.

In fact, Oscar
was on his way out of town...

when he was approached by George Sr...

who had just escaped
from under the house.

I want you to turn me in so you can
get the reward, take care of the family.

Why would you do that for me?

Because we're brothers.

Later, while George Sr. Was shaving
his unconscious brother's head...

he wondered whether there really was
a reward, and ifhe could get it.

But there was no time, and getting even
with his brother was reward enough.

So it was Oscar who was going to be
spending a little time alone in prison.

I guess Dad finally came through for us.
He actually made a sacrifice.

Although who knows
what he's up to.

We should just stay away from him,
let him have a little time alone in prison.

He is right about one thing, though.
We're brothers. We shouldn't be fighting.

- We cannot afford to lose each other.
- I can't.

- I already lost a brother today.
- Franklin?

Well, I didn't lose him.
But he's all puckered and white.

On the plus side, you can take him
to lunch at the club now.

That's the kind of joke
he would have loved.

Oh, man!

- Please don't do this.

- All right.

On the next season
of Arrested Development.

I burned them on a Cornballer.

Oscar, robbed of his fingerprints,
has difficulty proving his identity...

My hair's gonna grow back.
You'll see.

Tobias and Kitty go to Vegas...

- only to find that his dream job has been filled.
- You found someone already?

Just came out of nowhere, this guy.

And the great thing is,
he's never out of character.

And George Sr. Turns out to be right
about the effects of stress.

What's happening to me?
Why won't it grow back?