Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 2, Episode 17 - Spring Breakout - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael Bluth had set up
a meeting with Cal Cullen...

owner of one of the largest
parcels ofland in Orange County.

I hope that I can prove to you
that we have a very impressive company.

Well, your family did not come off well
on last night's Scandalmakers.

Scandalmakers was a show...

that reenacted
headline-grabbing stories.

The latest was
about the Bluth family...



the rights of which had been
signed away by Tobias...

in exchange for the part of George Sr.

When allegations
surfaced he'd illegally built homes in Iraq...

George Bluth Sr.,
assisted by his secretary, Kitty...

escaped the country.

Due to poor acting, the burden
of the story was placed on the narrator.

Only to be found hiding
under one of the homes that he built.

He was actually found
in a hole near the house...

but this inattention
to detail was typical...

- of the laziness the show's
narrator was known for.
- I can't survive under the house.

Perhaps an attic shall I seek.

Real shoddy narrating.
Just pure crap.

But we're back on track,
and we are scandal-free.

Hey! You start
the meeting without me?



Mother, uh, this is Cal Cullen.
You remember my mother, Lucille.

We're right in the middle of talking...

about this exciting giveaway
spa package to entice buyers.

You know, he's never taken me anywhere.

Oh, no. We have to live high and dry.

Well, you're certainly not dry.

Michael, I'm not a prude, but it's 1:00
in the afternoon. Is your mother drunk?

I'd have to get up pretty early
to get drunk by 1:00.

As it turns out,
she had gotten up early...

and had taken pain medication
because of a hangover-related headache.

However, she mistook
the "drowsy eye"alcohol warning...

for a "winking eye"alcohol suggestion.

Fortunately, she had the good sense
not to drive herself to the meeting.

No. I'll call for a car.

Unfortunately, this was
after a failed attempt to do so.

Who the hell put-

Michael, I'm sorry.
I cannot do business with you.

I mean, I couldn't afford
to end up on Scandalmakers.

Oh, you could afford to do anything
you want. You're just a big chicken.

Michael realized it might be time...

to deal with his mother's
apparent problem.

Okay, that seems as good a place
as any to end the meeting.

No, I'm not doing another
intervention with her.

Last time, I felt terrible for a week.

One year earlier,
the family had tried an intervention.

- You're pouring a drink? What are you doing?
- What if she's mad?

- Good point.
- Perhaps I'll have a little sip of something.

Guys, what could she do to us?

Do we have anything single malt?

And although
the intervention didn't work-

- We think you have a "prollen."
- You're a mesh.

It turned into one
of the Bluth family's better parties.

Well, maybe an intervention
is the wrong approach.

What about rehab?
She was just a mess at the meeting.

Where were you, by the way?
I could've used your help with Mom.

I believe I told you I was gonna be out
for the holidays. It's spring break.

Not that I can enjoy it.
My reputation's been ruined...

by that jerk Phillip Litt, who put
my one magic show flub on his DVD.

Gob had performed a magic act
at an earlier spring break...

to get exposure on the
best-selling video series...

Girls with Low Self-Esteem.

Or two flubs or whatever.

There were seven flubs...

and after the show,
he signed a release.

- You're not gonna use the time
that I screwed up, right?
- That wasn't part of the act?

Come on, man.
I'd never do anything to embarrass you.

Please.

Oh. Uh, you don't know
a good bird hospital, do you?

You're getting all this, right?

Well, at least the Orange County Register
didn't say of your performance...

"If this is who George Sr. Is,
let's hope he remains missing."

Meanwhile, they loved
Dave Attell's risky choice...

of wearing cutoffs
while portraying me.

In fact, Mr. Attell was portraying...

Tobias's actual never-nude affliction...

but this perplexed
the Scandalmakers audience...

due to the unfocused nature
of the narrator's explanation.

No, I think mine's worse. You should've seen
what happened to me on the boardwalk today.

They were laughing at me. Me!

Those tapes are awful.
Women tricked into taking their tops off.

I have a daughter I don't want
corrupted by the media.

Unbeknownst to Lindsay...

Maeby was a fairly prominent
member of the media...

as she had secretly conned her way
into a job as a film executive.

This Young Man on the Beach
script sucks.

She'd go to the guy just
'cause he said she's awesome?

- You call that dialogue?
- Hey, I didn't write it.

No, but you're gonna fix it. It's a spring break
movie. Find out what they sound like.

Oh, yeah, right. Do you really
think I look college-aged?

I'm not drunk.
But I'm willing to be. Hint.

Oh, Mort, you're gonna be
so easy to blackmail. Hint.

This pig Phillip Litt is out there
asking girls to take their tops off.

- It's an outrage.
- Well, of course you feel that way. You're jealous.

You're a surfboard.
But I do agree he is a pig.

Hey! What the hell was that for?

Can we stop worrying about girls
with low self-esteem...

and start focusing on sobering up
the woman who gave us ours?

- What do you think about rehab?
- She won't go willingly. I can tell you that.

May I make a suggestion?
Get implants. Really.

Wha- Come on!
This stuff is expensive!

So Michael set out to convince
his mother that she needed help.

Hello? Hello?
I have a surprise for you.

- Did I win the prize?
- You won the prize.

I won the prize!
I won the prize! For what?

We were gonna give
one employee a week at the spa.

We were even gonna put them
in the ad, but then I thought...

"What about Mom?
She's elegant. She deserves it."

I was gonna tell you at the office,
but then I thought...

"No. If I bring her around now,
she might vomit on the overhead projector."

I'm so embarrassed about that. I don't think
I was supposed to drink with my medication.

Actually, it wasn't even her medication.

Of course, I can't take Oscar
to an elegant place.

His only remaining pair of pants
blew apart the other day.

I was thinking that I would
go with you for the week.

So what? I just stay here alone? I'm not
exactly equipped to run this place by myself!

You can't just
leave me here alone!

Have a great trip.

But it wouldn't turn out
to be a great trip at all.

Hello. Welcome to Shady Pines Rehab.
Just sign right here.

Rehab? This isn't a spa.
This isn't a spa!

- Come here. Wait. Get her. Come here, Mom!
- We got a runner!

As Michael's mother
was being held against her will...

George Sr. Was about to be confronted
with a similar problem.

Kitty. How'd you find me?

I thought you were dead
until I saw Scandalmakers!

They got so much wrong. But something
about your son-in-law's comment...

"Perhaps an attic shall I seek,"
had the ring of truth to it.

Notice it wasn't
something the narrator said.

- You abandoned me in Mexico!
- Kitty, honey, l-I know you're mad.

Stop talking, George.
You stop talking!

I am in charge now.
You're coming with me.

No, I can't. I ca-
I have a life here.

There are people who-
who depend on me.

Fine. But I can't make
any promises...

about what happens to that
cooler of evidence I have.

If I could just have
a moment to say good-bye.

Meanwhile, at the banana stand...

Maeby was hoping to find
some witty banter...

with which to authenticate
her feature film.

I want the hot chick to serve me.

What other words would you
use to describe me?

- Um, she's 15, and she's my cousin.
- So?

So you can't touch
your cousin- my cousin.

You know, you don't
have to stick around.

I could just work late tonight. It doesn't
matter, 'cause my girlfriend, she's out of town.

She's actually kind of lucky in the end...

'cause all these guys
would be coming on to her.

Yeah, you really
dodged a bullet there.

Nearby, Phillip Litt
was making his latest video.

Everybody gather around!
Gather around! Ladies, here's the deal.

We have hats. You have breasts.

You show your breasts,
you get a hat, okay?

So if anyone wants to get back
at Daddy, now's the time.

- Whoo! Wait. Cut, cut.
We got a surfboard in the shot.
- Surfboard. Stop tape.

We're here to stop you from
taking advantage of these girls.

You know what? You're sassy. You're sexy.
You speak your mind. There's nothin' hotter.

- Give her a hat, Barry.
- I don't want a hat.
I want you to leave these women alone.

I'm giving them a chance
to be idolized...

which is an opportunity these women
are never gonna have again.

- I want to be ideolized.
- Yeah, you do!

Eileen, stop it.
You've got nothing to gain from that.

That's easy for you to say.
You already have a hat.

Come on, girls!

This is no way to get
your daddies to notice you!

Nearby, Lindsay's
own daddy failed to notice her...

as he was being taken
to a local motel...

where he refused
Kitty's sexual advances.

You promised me power
and a child, and I have neither.

I'm gonna take care
of this problem... on my own.

You never promise crazy a baby.

George Sr. Was abandoned
and longed for Lucille...

and Buster felt the same way.

Upon her knee

- So fine to be
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Mother and boy

Restless, Buster went to the kitchen...

to find something to help him sleep...

- when he came across Lucille's
emergency stash of wine-
- Motherboy

which he mistook
for a giantjuice box.

It was the first taste of alcohol
Buster had since he was nursing.

- Mama!

And Michael, his mother
no longer a threat...

- Thank you so much for your understanding, sir.
- met again with Cal Cullen.

As I mentioned on the phone,
she did seek help.

And it was extremely moving when she
finally admitted that she has a problem.

We'll take good care of you
here at Shady Pines.

I'll take care of you,
you son of a-

Shady Pines is a wonderful
facility up there on the hill.

- You know, they used to film Sugarfoot up there.
- No?

- Were you a fan of Sugarfoot?
- I loved it.

Sugarfoot had been off the air...

12 years before Michael was born.

Sing the theme song
of Sugarfoot along with me.

- Yes

Oh, what the hell.
You're a good kid.

Let's make the deal.

- Oh, great. I've got papers-
- Michael!

Remember me? Perhaps
this'll jog your memory.

- Oh! They're crooked.
- I've kidnapped your father, Michael...

and I have a cooler full of evidence...

that will bring down
this corrupt company.

Unless your mother meets me
today at 4:00 at Se?or Tadpole's.

Spring break. Whoo!

Dad?
- Michael's father
had just been kidnapped.

Hello?

And then he received a call that
his brother had been found drunk.

No, I'm fine. I'm telling you.

For the first time, I realize that
maybe I am better off without her!

- Yeah, well, we've gotta bring her back.
- Oh, thank God!

So if we want to get
that evidence back, and Dad...

Kitty is insisting
on a meeting with Mom.

- What can Mom do for her?
- I don't know. I've gotta get
my hands on that evidence.

Problem is I just
checked her into rehab.

They're not exactly gonna
let me take her to a bar.

So, Gob, I need you to help me
sneak her past the guards.

Well, gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be
checking out at spring break would be Mom.

- She's better looking
than the whores you date.
- Don't call my escorts whores.

- Mom's still got it!
- I don't date whores!

Stop it! Stop it! This objectification
of women has to stop!

- It's just Mom and whores.
- No, how would you like it?

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

I should turn the tables on men
and see how they like being objectified.

- Men with low self-esteem. Get their clothes off.
- That is a great-

That is a great social statement.

I shall get the video camera.
This is ripe for parody.

This is ripe!

Hejust wants to see
boys'Linuses. Oh, God.

Here we go.

And so Michael went back to see his mom.

L- I know that you're upset with me...

because I brought you here
under false pretenses...

- but I really was worried about you.
- Oh, please.

I've been drinking
since before you were born.

So if alcohol is the reason I'm here,
I've got news for you, bub.

It's the only reason you're here too.

Hey, you're mean sober too.

Uh, listen. I need your help.

Kitty has shown up,
and she got ahold of Dad.

She found him in the attic?

They had a rerun of Scandalmakers
last night. Everybody figured it out.

She would like to meet you at a bar.

She says she's got some evidence that could
bring the business down if you don't go.

You're sending me into a bar?

Are you sure you can trust me
to make decisions for myself?

I just need you to find
out what she wants...

while I check all the local
motels for Dad.

All right.
But here's what I want.

A spa weekend with you.
A real one.

I want to spend
spring break with you.

You have high self-esteem, right?

Not after being in here.
It's a nightmare.

Michael, Mom. We've gotta go now.
I created a diversion.

You're gonna love this.

I'd like to check my uncle in
for rehab.

I thought we were
buying me some pants.

Oh, of course you think that.
You're high as a kite!

He needs help! Any-
He needs help! He needs help!

And so Lucille was able
to meet with Kitty at Se?or Tadpole's.

I want what's due to me-
a Bluth son.

And I know
you have the material.

Kitty was right. Ten years earlier...

George Sr. Was taking an
experimental hair growth drug.

Fearing damage to his fertility...

he froze a specimen
ofhis reproductive material...

in case he ever wanted
another child.

Soon, news came out that the drug...

although somewhat successful...

wreaked havoc
on the central nervous system.

So what do you need me for?
He's not taking the monkey drug anymore.

- And you're the one who's got him. Not me.
- Oh, you know why.

He won't touch me. He said
he doesn't cheat on his wife anymore.

- He said that?
- Drinking contest!

- He said that?
- Drinking contest!

Tell you what.
I'll drink you for it.

Oh, I heard you don't handle
your booze so well anymore.

So this should be easy for you.

That one didn't count.

And Michael met up with Gob
to try and find their father.

I got it.
From the banana stand freezer.

The exact same kind of cooler
that's in the photo with Dad.

- What do we need another cooler for?
- Ah, poor Michael.

You do not think like a magician.

- Such a "How'd he do dat?"
- Uh-huh.

It's a classic bait and switch.
This is a decoy cooler.

We take it in, switch it with the one
from the photo and get out of there.

Kitty comes back. Everything's normal.
It's like we were never there.

- But Dad's gone.
- Long gone. But it buys us
all the time in the world.

I got it back, Mikey.
The self-confidence. I am a magician!

I'm saying, when Kitty comes back,
notices Dad's gone...

first thing she's gonna do is check
the cooler, see if the evidence is still there.

Buys us, like, one second.

- I am a worthless magician.
- Not true.

- I can't even do one simple trick.
- Come on.

- I'm covered in sweat. Look at me!
- It's a great trick.

- Would've been flawless
if you had a decoy Dad too.
- Damn it.

And I used a guy that looked
just like him in my last bait and switch.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Well, I'm no longer needed here.
- No, no, no.

I think the cooler's
actually gonna help us.

The extra second that it buys us
could be the difference.

Great. Just give me a couple
of minutes to catch my breath.

Lucille, minutes out of rehab...

was engaging in a drinking contest...

at the behest ofher son.

. Let me know when you're ready, dear.
- She's mixing!

While right outside the bar-

I know what the shape
of a banana reminds you of...

and I know that when I say
"nuts," it makes you giggle.

But do you have any other response...

to "here's a banana with nuts"?

Why are we even going after
this idiot demographic?

Don't you get it? They're not even eating these.
They just like saying bananas and nuts.

And I won't- I won't tell you why.
That's your father's job.

Come on! Let's see
some bananas and nuts!

Oh, perhaps we should
just pull their pants off.

Hey, what the hell do you think
you're doing? This is where we shoot.

Yeah, well, you've got competition now,
'cause we're making our own video.

Will you just get over it!
It's nudity.

Just because you're ashamed of your body
doesn't mean everybody should be.

Oh, really? Well, let's see how you feel
about what you're packing.

You're a- never-nude?

You're asking girls to take their tops off,
and you can't even be naked?

- I've gotta get this.
- Lindsay, I've already got it.

I'm back into cutoffs. Lindsay?

I didn't see you at the convention.

- No, I was in Germany. I teleconferenced in.
- Ohhh.

- Did you go to the seminar on chafing?
- Dr. Schoenweiss. Yes.

This is never gonna work. There's
too many people, too many rooms.

Michael, we can't give up.
This is important.

Believe me. I'd rather be down at the beach
having drinks, howling at chicks.

Dad?

Oh, my boys. Yes, you-
you came for me.

Yeah, hi, Dad. Uh, Gob's gonna get you
out of those handcuffs. Can you do it?

- One handcuff key coming up.
- Great.

What the hell are you doing?

Swallowed a key just in case
I ended up doing a show.

Come on. This is disgusting.

- I'm doing this for you.
- This continued for some time...

while Michael switched out the coolers.

- Why are you switching out the coolers?
- It buys us time, Dad.

- What? Like a second?
- Don't worry about it, okay?

When I get this evidence out of here,
I'm turning it right into the court.

Are you kidding? I don't care if the evidence
gets out there. It gets me off the hook.

- What are you saying? This exonerates you?
- I told you before.

I was a patsy. I was set up.
I am tired of looking guilty.

Well, that's- that's great.

Now who's a horrible magician?

That is a crown, you horse's ass.

- How does that make you feel?
- Awesome.

And George Michael caught up
with Maeby, determined to save her self-esteem.

Look, I don't want to ruin your fun,
but I hate to see guys treat you like this.

You're better than that.
To me, anyway. You're-

- Awesome?
- No, I was gonna say you're-

you're like this flower,
and I know it's springtime...

but I just- I'd hate
to see you get plucked...

by someone who doesn't even care
that you're blossoming.

That's what I've been waiting to hear.

Maeby was referring to the dialogue...

but George Michael had just rediscovered
his feelings for his cousin.

Hi, Ann. It's-It's George Michael Bluth.

Um, when you get back
into town, we should talk.

Can I get you
anything else, ma'am?

No, thanks.
I have to get back to rehab.

She's in rehab!

And so George Sr. Was free...

and Michael and Gob
absconded with the evidence.

One heck of a trick
you ended up pullin' in there, Gob.

Truthfully, that wasn't part of the act.

I was actually trying to get the key
to come out of my mouth.

That part was very surprising, but I'm talking
about how you helped me get Dad out of there.

Thanks to you, this family
could end up being okay.

And Gob had finally
overcome his own low self-esteem.

Hey, aren't you that magician
who always embarrasses himself?

Not anymore. Not anymore.

- Gob!
- But he lost it...

along with the exonerating evidence.

They're laughing, Michael. They're laughing.

And that's how you narrate a story.

On the next Arrested Development.

Lucille gets some
disturbing information.

- Did you get the evidence?
- Yes, and then Gob ruined it.

After all the trouble we went through to
switch coolers with the one from the banana stand.

The one in the freezer? I was storing
very important things there.

And Kitty finds
what she's been looking for.

There was 250 c.c.'s of your
father in that banana stand!

No touching.