Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 2, Episode 14 - The Immaculate Election - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael was surprised to find the house...

still a mess a week
after the fumigation.

You still haven't put this stuff back yet?
You've got to be the laziest person in the world.

If you weren't all the way on the other side
of the room, I'd slap your face.

- I asked you to clean this up.
- Yeah, and you also asked me
to call the fumigators...

and you haven't even thanked me
for doing that.

Michael had asked her
to do this, but that was long before...



he began hiding his fugitive father
in the attic.

What? Uh- Oh, God.

Polly, cover your mouth!

Luckily, Michael was notified in time.

Well, we had a deal, you know. I'd pay
for everything, and you'd clean the house.

- And you've only done it once.
- She hadn't even done it that time...

but instead, intercepted
her mother's housekeeper...

- as she was arriving for work.
- Can I take you the rest of the way?

- Mrs.- Mrs.-
- Oh, I have to make one quick stop first.

Almost done. Yours or mister's?

Mister's.

Lupe never accepted a ride from Lindsay again.

Well, I'm sorry, Michael,
but Tobias moving out hasn't been easy.

For any of us.



You didn't even notice he'd gone,
did you?

I did notice we'd stopped TiVoing
The Christopher Lowell Show.

- What happened?
- I tried to give it one last chance.

- Like what you see?
- I've been looking for those.

- You're gonna stretch them out.
- That's all you can say?

Well, excuse me for liking the way
they shape my junk.

I don't know why, but that's it.

You can pack your junk
and get out.

You're kicking me out?
At the beginning of pilot season?

You're not gonna make it as an actor,
and we're not gonna make it as a couple.

With nowhere to go,
Tobias went to the studio...

where he'd occasionally worked
as a security guard and took up residence...

in the apartment of Detective Frank Wrench,
on the set of the television show...

Wrench.

I'm really sorry to hear that.
How's Maeby taking it?

- Well, she's really hard to read.
- You haven't told her yet.

Well, she was so excited the hot water
in the shower was lasting longer.

How could I have the heart to tell her
it's because her father moved out?

Tobias moved out?

- Did he take the good video camera with him?
- That's touching.

- What do you need the camera for?
- I'm making a magic video.

I'm gonna tape myself
doing tricks around the office.

I'm calling it Tricks-
Let me finish- around the Office.

I figured out a way to
make money while I'm working.

That is what we call working. Something
you might wanna try next time you're at the office.

You've been missing things lately.
I'm gettin'real tired of it.

Incidentally, today we're having a big vote
on that building renovation.

- I need you there to help me vote it in.
- Fine. I'll vote...

as long as
you give me the camera.

I think we all know
that George Michael was using it last.

A fact the family had discovered
when they'd gathered to watch a home video.

Was that a 40th anniversary party, huh?
Didn't cost us a thing.

Is that Qusay Hussein
at the omelet bar?

Look at this. If these guys move,
they don't get paid.

It seems that as a 13-year-old,
George Michael had been...

heavily influenced
by the Star Wars films...

and had endeavored to
re-create his favorite moments.

- You're not my father! You'll never be!
- I spent $2.1 million...

of good company money
and end up with this?

You cut off my hand!
Worth every penny.

Even you have to admit that
that was the lamest thing ever put on tape.

Not so. Buster
had once videotaped himself...

re-creating moments from his
then favorite film, Chicago.

He also liked Star Wars.

His self-esteem is low enough as it is,
and I have no idea why.

I mean, he's such a great kid, and
everybody loves him. He's George Michael!

Truthfully, that's why I'm not that crazy
about that Ann, but he'll move on.

Unless he knocks her up like you did
with his mother. Plus, she's religious.

If that one gets pregnant,
it stays pregnant.

Believe me. I dated a chick like that
once in high school.

No, I didn't.

I gotta work
on that boy's self-esteem.

Michael went to do so,
only to hear Ann beating him to it.

- I want you to do it.
- I don't think I'm ready.

- Of course you are.
- I'm gonna lose it before I start.

Don't start!

Smoking. It's a killer. That Sammy Davis Jr.
Should still be performing.

- What's going on?
- Ann thinks I should run
for student body president.

- That's a great idea.
- Well, I don't have a chance.

- They only vote for the cool kids.
- But everyone loves you.

You are George Michael!
Who's cooler than you?

Plus, you would be following
in your old man's footsteps.

- You were student body president?
- Oh-ho.

- It was close.
- So you lost.

- Who remembers?
- I know I would remember.

Ann, if my dad says
that he won, then he won.

Didn't say I won.
Said I can't remember.

But now that we're thinking about it, I seem
to remember the other guy won the title...

although there were plenty in the school
who wanted to overturn the decision.

I said, "Let's- Do not- Let's not
put the school through that."

Haven't thought about that for years.
Good memory.

Well, anyway, I'll help you run your campaign
and make your commercial for election day.

Well, that's great.
The important thing is...

to raise the old self-esteem and not
to rush a physical relationship.

- Those are really the two important things.
- No. We're both waiting.

- Good.
- And then that first time,
after waiting and waiting-

It's gonna be so awesome, because it's not
just gonna be my love and George Michael's...

but God's love as well.

- God, it's gonna be incredible.
- All right. I'll do it. I'm in.

- Campaign?
- I'm pumped.

As George Michael was
on the path to higher self-esteem...

Buster was losing
what little he had.

I can't put the aorta in
with this thing.

Oh, stop complaining.

- Buster!
- I'm sorry I'm an inconvenience to you, Mother.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh!

As Lupe felt sorry...

for Buster's loss of a hand,
Lindsay felt sorry for her loss of Lupe.

Lindsay had cleaned one room
and now had a garbage problem.

And while looking for a spot to stash the refuse...

She came upon an old friend.

I haven't seen this in ages. EBay.

Unfortunately,
it was a new friend to George Sr.

Polly!

Back at the office, Michael came
to regret having given Gob the video camera.

Well, I certainly
appreciate your decision...

but if my brother was here,
we could've voted this thing through.

What's this?
A stuffy office meeting?

Well, maybe it's time
for a little... Office Magic.

- What's "office magic"?
- Sometimes it's as simple as turning 10:45...

in the morning into lunchtime!

- Okay.
- Why does lunch have to be so dull?

Maybe you'd
prefer some chicken instead!

All right. Let's cut.
Take five, everybody.

- No, no. We're not takin' five.
Hey, is this guy with you?
- Yeah, he's an actor.

Well, you know, I thought
he was an investor. He voted against me...

which is the vote I asked you
to be here for, so-

You know what? I don't know why, but that's it.
I don't think I can work with you anymore.

- You kind of have to, guy. I'm the president.
- No. I'm the president.

No. You lost the presidency, just like you did
in high school when you refused to play dirty.

- Worked when I ran.
- We're talkin' about the office here, okay?

I do all the work. I've been helping you.
That's over now.

Sorry to hear you say that, Michael,
'cause it just cost you your job.

- I'm serious. It's over.
- How do you call Security on this thing?

- You hit pound-zero-zero to operate the system.
- Pound is tic-tac-toe, right?

- Yeah. Pound is right-
- When I keep hitting that, the other thing flashes.

- Hit pound and then zero-zero.
- I do. I know.

Tell you what. You don't need to learn
the system, because you're out of here.

You're fired.

Have Security send a man up.

You've got the wrong guy.

Uh, no, you don't,
but you don't have to do this.

But the guard had recently
lost halfhis tie to Office Magic.

- Oh, I don't mind.
- Get this. You getting this?

Cheat out.
You have to cheat out a little bit.

- Oh, hey.
- What was that all about?

Your uncle doesn't
not-work here anymore.

- So I guess your mom told you
about your dad moving out, huh?
- No, she did not tell me that.

- Oh.
- But she doesn't tell me anything.

- Neither of them do.
- Sorry. Guess I shouldn't have said anything.

Maybe I should just start
keeping some secrets of my own.

Why aren't you at school right now?

Marry me.

I'm so sorry.
I forgot who I was talking to.

I was just using your copier
to make some campaign posters.

Well, then, by all means,
let me help you out.

I mean, I don't even know why I'm doing it.
He's gonna win by a landslide.

- That's what I was tellin' him.
- How do you know Steve Holt?

- Are you in A.A.?
- I was talkin' about George Michael.

He's running for student body president.
Who's Steve Holt?

He's just the hottest guy in school.
And he's won three years in a row-

every year after his first junior year.

So, then, he's more popular
than George Michael?

Well, that's like comparing apples
and some fruit nobody's ever heard of.

He might even finish
after the Indian kid.

I guess I gotta get down to the school
and see if I can stop him from signing up, huh?

Yes. You have to. And do you think you could
put up a couple of these when you're there...

'cause I was really not
in the mood to go down there.

Michael went to take care ofhis son...

as Lucille discovered that hers
was already being taken care of.

Mother!
- And yet you're too good
to polish the candlesticks?

- You're fired!
- You can't fire me. I'm your son.

- I'm firing you!
- I was firing Lupe!

Well, that makes more sense.

- Lindsay came upon Lupe, who'd just been fired.
- I no clean for family anymore.

Can't you at least
come over and Dust Buster or something?

- I no does Buster anymore.
- Fine.

I'll Dust Buster! God.

- Hello?
- Hey. I can't talk loudly.

I'm in the bathroom of the Wrench set,
and they've started shooting.

Also, I don't think this is a real toilet.

So I just wanted to check on Maeby
and tell you that I haven't landed a part yet...

but despite what you may think,
my talent shall win out.

Well, Maeby's fine. We've been looking
for a cleaning lady, so if you hear of one-

Shh- Shh.
- ... dirty cop,
so Frank Wrench is gonna clean ya.

- Why is this door locked?
- Cut!

- Is somebody using the set bathroom?
- I gotta go.

Michael arrived at school
to talk his son out of running for office.

It took me all day, but I got the 10 signatures.
I'm running for student body president.

- Listen, George Michael-
- We're gonna use your idea
and highlight being chaste.

I just meant you two shouldn't-
You're not gonna put up this poster, are you?

It's really gonna appeal
to the Christian crowd.

I couldn't have done this without you guys.
I'm gonna win this thing.

Four more years! Four more years!

Four more years!
Four more years!

And Gob showed up at his mother's.

- Well, guess who's been fired.
- Michael fired you?

No. I fired him. As a result,
I'm no longer welcome in the office.

What a coincidence.
I just fired my housekeeper...

but I've already found a replacement.

It's a robot.

- I hate it. I miss Lupe.
- No. I won't let you go down that road.

I want you to be strong, and you don't
need the comfort of an immigrant...

in Mother's old stirrup pants
to make you feel that way.

Oh.

Ohh, you're hungry.

Lindsay was about
to find a replacement for Lupe as well.
- Who is it?

The new housekeeper. The agency sent me over.

I'm sorry. I didn't call any-

Oh, allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Phyllidia Featherbottom...

and I can cook and I can clean
and I can take care of the little ones.

I can also sing a song or two,
if it comes in handy.

When you put a squirt
of frosting on your throat

Before we take
our medications

Tobias had gained access to
the studio's wardrobe and makeup department.

He was eager
to both see his daughter...

and prove to his wife
that he had what it took to be an actor.

- It was the exact plot of the film Mrs. Doubtfire.
- In the most delicious way

There was also
some Mary Poppins in there.
- Let's get this house cleaned.

Hey. Lindsay,
the place looks fantastic.

- What? Did you pay somebody to do this?
- Oh, I've no need for payment.

The love of the family
is more than enough.

I'm sorry.
This is Mrs. Featherbottom.

From Blackstone.
I'm charmed, I'm sure.

Ooh!

Back to work.

- I think he misses his daughter.
- That's convenient...

considering you didn't even have the courage
to tell Maeby that he'd moved out.

I'm sorry.
I'm not the perfect parent, like you.

I'm not that perfect. I pushed George Michael
into running for office...

and I think he's gonna
get crushed by this kid Steve Holt.

Yeah. I'd vote for Steve.
Too bad Dad's on the lam.

You could finally use some of his dirty tricks
to get George Michael elected.

As it happens,
George Sr. Had come to...

in the attic, and perhaps it was the effect
oflosing his one friend-

- Polly?
- or the lingering effects of the fumigation-

or perhaps it really was
divine intervention-

but he'd had a profound realization.

Unfortunately, the timing
of the enlightenment wasn't ideal for Michael.

- That's why I need your help.
- "Our Heavenly Father let his son die...

so that our sins
could be absolved."

- Great. So you're a Christian now.
- "We must all seek forgiveness."

Well, I'll call the warden for you.
You can ask him yourself.

Well, I think that's for fresh crimes.
Besides, you've always tried to lead a clean life.

You and Gob were like
those biblical brothers, Gallant and, um-

"Goofuth."

Michael realized he had lived like Gallant...

and ifhe wanted
to help his son's election...

he would have to find...
Goofuth.

- Been lookin' all over for you, pal.
- If you came to grovel...

for the job of president,
you're too late.

- My brother already fired me.
- Listen, I'm really sorry that I got upset with you...

you know, and I never meant to, um-
I didn't even mean to fire you.

You know, and I never meant to, um-
I didn't even mean to fire you.

You know? I just got so frustrated,
and, Gob, you are my brother.

- Of course I'm gonna support you.
- Well...

now I feel bad for firing you.

Listen, George Michael is running
for student body president...

and I have a feeling
he's gonna get slaughtered.

The guy he's running against
is basically a young you.

Wow. It won't be easy
to win a race against myself.

- Of course, if anyone can do it, I can.
- That's right.

- I wish I was 15 years younger.
- He doesn't need to beat him.

- He just needs to beat the Indian kid.
- If I do this, you'll rehire me?

- Of course I will.
- The mere fact that you think you can...

says to me
that I shouldn't let you.

Course,
we both need the work.

Robot'll get it.

Where the hell is my maid?
Robot!

But the robot was busy elsewhere.

What do you expect, Mother? I'm half machine!

I'm a monster!

Michael brought Gob in
to consult on his son's campaign.

Focus on the video and shy away
from the virgin thing.

Oh, we should definitely
sacrifice the whole virgin thing.

And I got the perfect way.

We hand out rubbers that say,
"We salute George Michael."

- We're not supposed to have help.
- I don't wanna make Steve look bad.

Yeah, I just don't want my son to be
embarrassed up there. Let's not play too dirty.

- Uh, good point, two percent.
- Two percent, huh? Is that how little I lost by?

- Lost by? That's all you got.
- Not really important.

Well, if your son wants more than two percent,
he's gonna have to go after Steve Holt.

So I want you to tell me every awful rumor
you've ever heard about this kid.

I can't support this,
and neither can the Christian kids...

- that were gonna make you president.
- Uh-

Ann? I think
she's really upset about this.

She'll forgive ya.
You're George Michael.

Meanwhile...

Maeby was meeting
her new singing nanny.

Now. Take your Fun-fun.

This is my mom's, and it's fen-phen,
and it's been banned by the F.D.A.

Oh! Well.
You should always read the label

You should always read it well
in the most delicious way

- Mr. Fingerbottom?
- Mrs.

Right. Mrs.
I should really get going.

No, no, no, no, no.
Sit back. What's the rush? Please.

I wanna hear about you.
Tell me about your family.

I'm sure wherever your father is right now,
she loves you very, very much.

Not enough to be honest
with me.

And after a few days, Gob was ready...

to unveil
George Michael's new message.

Drought, starvation-

These are the things my family
has had to deal with for generations...

although, fortunately,
not since we moved to Corona del Mar.

Go home, you terrorist!

How stupid do you have to be
to say something like that?

- You're not wanted here!
- Gob.

- Michael.
- You got George Michael's tape?

Yeah. I gave it to the tech guy.
Don't worry. It's very tastefully done.

Sure you didn't make that video in a cave?

- Perennial candidate Steve Holt!
- Soon it was time...

for Steve Holt to play his video...

which had been produced
by his new campaign manager, Ann Veal.

- Hi. I'm Steve Holt.
- Evil!

This kid's popular?

Looks like a chick I did
once in high school.

Get a haircut!

Recently, I've been dealing with the fact
that I've never known my father...

but I finally found a new Father.

You're probably wondering
what these footsteps are.

Well, this is my second take. It's kind of
like a second chance at making good.

Yeah. Okay. We need
to pull the videotape.

- My tape?
- Why?
- I've made a huge mistake.

But it was too late
to do anything about it.

Steve Holt is a bastard.
He doesn't even know who his real father is.

What else don't we know
about Steve Holt?

George Michael Bluth
is a cool guy.

His dad is a powerful executive
working for this man.

The girls like him just fine.
Young and old. It doesn't matter.

- In the dark.
- That's why you had me do that?

George Michael
had never been more embarrassed.

Until this part.

I couldn't find another tape.

I like Steve's more.

Guess I underestimated
the religious vote.

- So Steve won?
- No. Steve dropped out of the race.

He says he wants to spend some time
trying to find his real father.

Rav Nadir, the Indian kid,
he got 97% of the vote.

Well, that leaves three percent.
You did better than I did when I ran.

I tied with Bart Simpson
and "School Sucks."

I'm really sorry, buddy.
Believe it or not, I did this...

because I didn't want you
to feel bad about yourself.

Hey, it's Star Dork.

Hey, he knows you now.
I'm really sorry, buddy.

It's just a drag. I mean, I'm pretty sure
my girlfriend's gone forever...

and I never wanted
to do this in the first place.

George Michael, was that really you
doing those lightsaber moves?

- You were incredible.
- I've only gotten better.

You're still doin' that?

So, you wanna grab a curtain rod
and go over to my place?

Wow. I'd love that.
Thanks, Ann.

You really make me
feel good about myself.

Gotta do something
about that kid's self-esteem.

On the next Arrested Development.

Yoo-hoo!
I'll take you the rest of the way!

Lucille finds a housekeeper
that she won't lose her son to.

Always keep from crying
even though your heart is dying

And Steve Holt finally
tracks down his real father.

I've been wonderin'
my whole life who he is-

a scientist,
a doctor, a senator?

Well, we got some bad news.

Wow. Is that what's
gonna happen to my hair?