Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Hand to God - full transcript

Lindsay and Tobias continue to investigate the mysterious pregnancy by Maggie Lizer, while Michael continues to see her. Buster prepares to go off to Iraq, but before doing so, decides to go on a long-delayed right of passage - swimming in the ocean, and gets his hand bit off by a seal.

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

George Michael?
Michael was looking for his son...

with whom he had a secret to share.

- There you are. Hey, pal. You alone?
- Almost always, yeah.

You know,
Maeby's never around anymore...

and Ann's off with her religious group,
trying to get Nip/Tuck off the air.

- They don't like Nip/Tuck?
- Well, you know, they don't like anything.

Something about God wants people
to age naturally- I don't know.



Ironically, she likes Gangy.

Listen, you know, I would never date anyone
without you being okay with it, right?

- You don't have to do that.
- Great, because I didn't do it this time.

L- I kind of reconnected with that blind
prosecutor I used to date, Maggie Lizer.

Her?

- Didn't she turn out to not be blind though?
- Exactly.

But she's filled out a little bit.

Michael hadn't seen her
in eight and a half months...

during which she had filled out.

Really?
Could have sworn it was a year.

And it seems as if I'm the father.

Do you know this for sure?
I mean, she does lie.

- She might not really be pregnant.
- See, that's what I thought.

- Boy, you really are my kid.
- Good.



Apparently, so is this one.

Michael found this out
after having Lindsay and Tobias...

break into Maggie's house
and hide in the bathroom...

to collect and test her urine.

- It was there that they stumbled upon a fat suit.
- That's what it is.

Michael confronted Maggie about this.

Oh, you're so right, Michael,
'cause I'm fakin' it-

- But he was proven wrong.
- Not.

Maybe it'll be exciting, you know?
Be a big brother. It'll be fun.

- There you go. It would be fun, wouldn't it?
- Big brother. Me.

Not gonna happen though.
She doesn't want anything to do with me.

But I know you've been bored.
You and I are gonna have some fun together.

Maybe we'll even have ourselves
a little adventure.

- Yeah.
- Meanwhile, I guess
this family's big enough, huh?

In fact, Michael's family
had just gotten a little smaller.

Hello?

Mom, you've got to stop
starting conversations like that.

Something happened to Buster.
He lost part of his body.

- I don't know which one.
- The hand.

I told him to stay out of the ocean,
but we had a fight.

- Who remembers about what?
- I do.

Buster had discovered that
his Uncle Oscar was his true father.

- You lied to me.
- You were never supposed to know.

I'm going to war!

As an act of defiance to Lucille,
he first went swimming in the ocean...

where he was attacked by a loose seal.

If only your father was here.

- Oh, that George. God only knows where he is.
- The car!

- Up yours, granny!
- You couldn't handle it!

In fact, George Sr.
Had snuck out of the attic...

and gone to a local Ford dealership.

Yeah, the Bronco's been discontinued.

We're trying to shed that whole
"fugitive on the run" thing.

- This is the Escape.
- What a fun name, hmm?

- Mm-hmm.
- May I test-drive?

- Up yours, granny!
- You couldn't handle it!

Soon, Michael and
George Michael arrived at the hospital.

- If something happens to Buster, I'll be lost.
- Yeah. Excuse me.

George Michael, you're going to
have to be the baby of the family.

- Um, Maeby's younger than me.
- You're never going in the ocean! Never!

- We're here to see him.
- You're my baby! I'm never letting you go!

- Please stay away from my son.
- You're my baby now! No, he's my baby!

The hell with all of you.
I have a man.

Excuse me.

- Are you the Bluths?
- Not Dr. Wordsmith.

- How's my son?
- He's going to be all right.

- Thank God.
- Finally some good news from this guy.

- No other way to take that.
- That's a great attitude.

I gotta tell you. If I was given this news,
I don't know that I'd take it this well.

But you said he was all right.

Yes. He's lost his left hand,
so he's going to be "all right."

You son of a bitch!
I hate this doctor!

- He's a very literal man.
- Yes, that's more the way I would take the news.

Actually, I'm relieved.

I don't have to go to army because
the seal with the bow tie attacked me.

- I feel like I've lost three pounds.
- Seal with the bow tie?

Yeah.
I think that's what I saw bite me.

I just wish I could remember why I went
in the ocean. Did we fight or something?

Of course not.

Although I always have warned you
against the ocean. So has your father.

My father.

George Sr. You need more juice.

Where's the juice?
Give my son the juice!

Buster, it's okay.
Doctor says you're gonna be fine.

And if they can find the hand,
they're gonna be able to reattach it.

- You know, like a transplant.
- I'm fine.

This is a blessing. And speaking of blessings,
I heard there's gonna be a baby.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
But please, don't worry about that.

What's more important is that you're
really doin' well with this, pal.

My hat is off to you.

And my hand is off to you.

No, no, I meant, don't get
your hopes up about that-

Hand transplant.

No, the, uh, baby.
The mother doesn't want me around.

We kind of had a little bit of a fight.

- You obviously care about
this Maggie woman, don't you?
- Yes, I do. Of course I do.

I mean, a seal didn't bite
your Linus off, did it?

- No, a seal didn't bite my Linus off.
- Good.

- Then go to her. Ask for her hand.
- Yeah.

And, uh, maybe...

I'll get one for my brother
while I'm at it.

Yeah. Get him out of here.

- Hmm?
- Get him out of here!

Get the-
Out of my room!

- Oh, my God! Buster!
- Oh, my God!

Buster, what's wrong? Nurse!

So, at his brother's suggestion...

Michael went to the courthouse
determined to win Maggie back.

- Have you seen Maggie? It's kind of important.
- Oh, you just missed her.

She's in the bar.
What a spanking I gave her in court today.

- Go get 'em.
- He spanked me!

- Did you spank her?
- No!

You know, that waitress she's representing
is suing my client for making her fat.

But here's the thing.
Loretta is not fat.

Maggie bought her a fat suit,
and I've got the receipt to prove it.

Of course.
That's what the fat suit is for.

Well, I've gotta find her. I owe her an apology.
You said she's at a bar?

Friday night. You might want
to try Miss Temple's. Tell her Barry said-

Ooh, I did good today.

And Michael caught up with Maggie.

You know,
there have been lies, yes.

But it's not like either one of us would ever
do anything to hurt the other person.

Hello, Officers.

Well, there's no further sign
of a break-in at your house.

And since you haven't called us back, we again
left the number, in case there's a problem.

- Thanks, Officer Taylor.
- Just next time, uh, call us back.

Hey, the break-in?
I told you that was us.

Well, maybe I did want to hurt you,
because I was hurt.

- The only reason you're here
is out of loyalty to the baby.
- It's not just about the baby.

Maggie, there was a reason that you and I
got together in the first place...

when we made this baby, okay?

There's something here, as long
as we never lie to each other again.

Well, then I have to come clean
about one more thing.

- Oh, no.
- You're not the father.

Come on.

I went to a sperm bank, okay,
the week before we even met.

The father's some guy from Harvard,
but that's all I know.

That's great. He's probably
some geek Simpsons writer's kid.

I never thought
I'd meet someone like you.

- Mmm.
- But come on.

I mean, do you still really want me?

Are you really that great of a guy?

Michael had always thought
ofhimself as that great a guy.

- The kind of guy who could
raise someone else's baby.
- Of course I am.

But he wasn't...

and he regretted it the moment he said it.

The next day, the family gathered
to welcome Buster home from the hospital.

He's coming.
What he's wearing is temporary.

Please don't comment on it or salute him
like that idiot guard down there did to him.

Well, look who's back.

- Let's all say hello.
- Hi.

And while you're at it,
let's all give me a big hand!

George Michael, get your uncle
a bandage for his forehead.

And while you're at it, uh, get two.

Oh, my God.

Guess this means you don't wanna
play "got your nose" with me.

Oh, what's the matter, Buster?

- Did you hurt yourself?
- Uh, hi, Gob.

Oh, my God! What-What happened to your-
He's got no hand!

Buster went swimming in the ocean...

and, according to him,
a seal with a bow tie bit off his hand.

Bow tie?

It's merely the playful mutterings
of the shock victim.

A seal would never prey on a human...

unless, of course, it had acquired
a taste for mammal blood.

Gob had recently dressed a seal in a bow tie...

and used him in a magic trick.

When it failed,
he released the seal into the ocean.

You're back in the real world.
You're not gonna be hand-fed anymore.

How the hell would a seal know
how to tie a bow tie anyway?

- I can barely tie
the yellow one that I wear in my act.
- This one had a yellow bow tie!

Really?

And later, Lucille
could not contain her guilt any longer.

I did this. I prayed that God
take anything he wanted from us...

so that Buster wouldn't
have to go to war.

Oh, Mom. After all these years,
God's not gonna take a call from you.

I did this.

I think that the seal with
the yellow bow tie might be the one...

that I released into the sea after giving it
the taste for mammal blood.

Okay. You've got a better case
than Mom does.

Still, I could hunt down that seal.

They said if you retrieve Buster's hand,
they might be able to do a transplant.

At the very least, I can remove
that incriminating bow tie.

And Michael told Lindsay
about his commitment to Maggie...

and the child that wasn't his.

Well, first of all, I'm sure there are writers
on The Simpsons who aren't geeks.

And secondly, I think this commitment
you're making is great.

It is. It's great, it's great.

I do think something might be up though.
What if she's still lying?

Oh, no. You're trying to
get out of this, aren't you?

- L-I thought you were a good guy.
- I am a good guy.

- Is he trying to get out of having this baby?
- We want this child.

It's given us a reason to stay together.

In fact,
it was investigating the pregnancy...

that had reignited
Lindsay and Tobias's passion.

It was weird.

- Where's your child?
- I don't have a child, Michael.

- We don't have a child, Michael.
- That's why we want-

- Oh.
- Did you mean Maeby?

- I did mean Maeby.
- Well, she's hardly a child, is she, Michael?

Yeah. And we know where she is.

She's with her debate club, and they're on
their way to Sacremende for the semifinals.

She wasn't.

And a Google search of the word
"Sacremende"only came up with this.

In fact, she was overseeing a remake
ofThe Old Man And The Sea...

for the film studio where she'd
bluffed her way into a job.

What on earth is taking so long?

Am I the only one who wants
to get home and see their kids?

So please don't tell me
I don't know where my kid is.

All I'm saying is that Maggie claims
that no one else is involved.

But what if she's lying again
and there is someone else involved?

You know, a boyfriend, a husband.

Someone that got dumped
when something better came along.

- Of course. Why wouldn't she?
- I'm a good guy, you know.

So I'm thinkin' maybe you can
break into her house again for me...

and see if you can find some, uh-

Way out of this for you?
I don't think so.

No, I was gonna say, find some evidence
of who the father is, but forget it.

I'll find somebody
who wants an adventure.

George Michael, how would
you like to get away from Uncle Buster?

- I'd really like that.
- Good. Shh, shh, shh.

And so, with his son's help,
Michael went to Maggie's...

to find some evidence of another man.

It's another Bluth Boy adventure.
We're like a team.

- We're like Red McGibbon and Bullet.
- Who?

They're this old, uh-
Never mind. Okay, listen.

Anything you find in there-name, phone
number-you bring it out to Daddy, all right?

- You mean you're not going in with me?
- Hmm? No.

I can't fit through that doggy door.

But I am gonna risk being caught out here.
Be careful.

Okay, I got a phone number.
Let's go. Drive.

- Let's go. Hit the gas.
- You didn't even go inside.

- It was taped to the door.
- It's probably the Sparkletts guy.

Listen, it's okay. I'm telling you.
There's nothing to be scared about.

I'm not getting that vibe. Hey!

- Everything all right?
- Yes, Officer.

- Just waiting to see if Maggie's home.
- Oh.

I was making sure there wasn't
another break-in.

My partner is inside
with his gun drawn.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

Close call there, Bullet.
I'm so sorry about that.

But listen, I think- I think that you do have
something here with this phone number.

"Really eager to hear from you."

You know, that's something a guy would say
if he was the father of her child...

and the mother stopped calling
'cause she found a really good guy.

I think this is him. I'm gettin' that vibe.
We're havin' some fun, aren't we?

I'm really sorry about that.

Gob arrived at the dock,
hoping to recover his brother's missing hand.

I'm lookin' for the seal
that's got the taste for kitty blood.

I'll pay you handsomely.

In fact, the skipper had already
rented his boat to be shot in Maeby's film.

So neither he nor Gob were prepared...

for the challenges of using cats to catch a seal.

God! It's like herding cats.

Here's your kitty cat. Aah! Fine!

You don't get to be bait!

Why are there cats in the shot?

This is the camera boat.
Can you lose the- cats, please?

Uncle Gob?

Maeby?

And Michael traced the phone
number he found on the note to an address.

Thank you, Mr. Parmesan. Okay.

In there is the father of the child
that Maggie wants me to help her raise.

And he probably doesn't know
that she's got another man involved.

So I want you to stay here
and enjoy the adventure from the car.

This one could get a little ugly.

And, hey, I'd like to see that cop of Maggie's
do detective work this good. Huh?

Oh, come on.
Is this your phone number?

Hey, I told you at the bar.
I left that on Maggie's door.

And why are you hangin'
around Maggie's house, anyway?

L- I'm sorry.
I'm in this crazy relationship.

She wants me to raise this child with her
because there's no father.

- No father?
- I thought I'd come here-

There's a father.
There's two fathers. David!

- I'm making gravy.
- That bitch is gonna keep our child.

I knew she was up to something.

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Michael had tracked down the
couple who'd hired Maggie to carry their child.

- So that's why you guys are staking out her house.
- She hasn't returned our calls.

- There's something about her I just don't trust.
- I'll say.

She said she doesn't know
who the father is.

In a funny way, neither do we.
Wejust gave her a mixed cocktail.

- Two parts Taylor.
- Two parts Carter.

And let her do her thing.

We decided we never want to know
which of us is the real father.

Well, why should you?

I just hope you find out which one of you
can breast-feed.

You know,
we're in a loving relationship.

Andjust because we don't have breasts
does not mean we cannot nourish our child.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-

I don't want you guys to worry about
getting that child back from Maggie...

because I'm gonna help you.

Wow. What a... good guy.

I know. And for once,
I'm one lie ahead of Maggie Lizer's lies.

In fact, Michael was one lie behind her.

And what if I told you
that Loretta was not fat...

but actually a very greedy woman...

in a very cheap fat suit?

What, do you think I'm kidding?
Huh?

- What are you doing?
- Okay, so she's fat.

- Your Honor, this is an outrage!
- Wow. Did I lose this one.

Mr. Zuckerkorn,
you've been warned about touching.

- You said spanking.
- I want this case thrown out immediately.

In fact, Loretta wasn't overweight-

- Oh, no! My water just broke!
- Quickly, Your Honor. Quickly throw it out.

but was carrying the child
that Maggie was supposed to.

You see, it was Loretta's urine that
Tobias and Lindsay ended up testing...

a fact they missed when they were
making out in the shower.

And Maggie did buy the fat suit
to serve as her pregnancy belly.

All right, this is goin' back.

But soon upgraded
to a higher-quality latex model.

It's time!

- Is there a doctor in the house?
- Oh, my God! My water broke too!

I'm in labor!

Maggie wasn't, but had no choice
but to pretend to deliver at the same time.

And Gob caught up with Maeby
and made a confession.

I think I'm responsible
for Buster's hand.

Yeah, and I'm responsible for
an $80-million movie without an ending.

I know those problems seem big
when you're a kid, Maeby.

Look, this is kind of weird
advice for me to be giving...

but why don't you
just tell him the truth?

I mean, he'll respect you for it.

Thanks, Maeby.

Okay, now I'm just lying
for no reason.

And Michael arrived at the courthouse...

only to discover that Maggie
had already been rushed to the hospital.

And back at the penthouse, Lucille was
praying for the second time in her life.

Lord, let Buster forget everything.

And if you need to take another hand
to make that happen...

please make it Gob's.

It was at that exact moment
that Buster did forget he'd lost his hand.

Oh! No, stop it, stop it, stop it!

Oh, you caught my tendon
in your claw!

My claw? Aw, God!

I'm a monster!

No!

Whose idea was the temporary hand?

Buster!

Hi. There's something
you need to know.

There's nothing he needs to know.
Take his hand. Take it now!

It was my fault. It was my seal.

I released him,
and he bit off your hand.

Wow. Truth feels good.

- You did this to me?
- Yeah.

And Gob was about to experience
something that didn't feel that good.

No, Buster! Oh!

Michael, meanwhile, notified the
policemen that Maggie was in the hospital.

- I will meet you there.
- We're on our way.

I'm getting goose bumps.

Hi. Okay.
I'm gonna go in there with Maggie.

As far as I know, she's already
had the kid, okay?

We're havin' some adventure though, huh?
You can't say we're not havin' fun.

Don't smoke, sonny.

Michael.
Oh, I'm glad you're here.

Is this our little bundle
of... two gay cops' baby?

Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Here it is.
This came from our cup.

That fellow was in our cup once.

Here's something I think
you both need to have.

Boy, you just cannot get off
the breast thing, can you?

Okay, where's the baby?

- I'm not pregnant.
- But we paid you to do this, Maggie.

I know, and I wanted to, but then
it turns out I couldn't get pregnant.

And I had this client-You know,
we were working on the fat case.

So l-
Hey, I outsourced it, okay?

And you weren't gonna let
these nice guys have a baby?

You were gonna have us raise it?

Of course not.

I'm gonna give 'em their baby.
I never thought you'd stick around.

I'm not goin' anywhere, baby.

What is wrong with me?

Oh! Here it comes!
Here comes the baby!

Is that the head?

Loretta had her baby, and
the new family couldn't have been happier.

- And Michael reunited with his son.
- You disappointed?

You kiddin' me?
You're the only son I've ever needed.

That's all the adventure I've ever needed.

Okay. Son, I'm going to meet you
at the car. "M." Main floor.

No adventure there.

But "M"didn't stand for "main floor."

Dr. Ward to the morgue, please.

Dr. Ward to the morgue, please. Stat.

And Michael said good-bye to Maggie.

- I know. I've got a problem.
- We obviously both do.

We obviously both crave
some crazy complication in our lives.

When we're together, it is like-

- Magic?
- I was gonna say "train wreck."

We have to make a vow, okay?
This is over.

No more lying.
No deceit, no sex. Everything.

No more lies.

But that, too, turned out to be a lie.

On the next
Arrested Development.

Buster and Gob
find themselves closer than ever.

And there you are. We've removed the hook,
and there's been no damage.

- Oh, thank God.
- Yeah, he's gonna be fine.

But unfortunately,
you've still got a hook in your ass.

And Maggie gets a big surprise.

You have got to be kidding me.

Hot cops
We'll clean up the town

We'll turn that old frown
upside down

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We're aiming to please

You know we'll get down
on our knees

We're taking on the bad boys

With our loaded guns

We'll pump you full
of molten lead

Bang, bang, you're dead

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Just give us a squeeze

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