Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - The One Where Michael Leaves - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

This is Michael Bluth.

Right now he's taking his son, George Michael,
to start a new life in Arizona.

Phoenix, Arizona, huh?
This is it, boy.

We are free.

We're gonna follow our dreams,
you know?

And the best part of it?
Not workin' for the family anymore.

Yeah, but don't-
don't you always say "family first"?



Yes, I do.
But that is not a family, okay?

They're a bunch of greedy, selfish people
who have our nose.

- And Aunt Lindsay.
- She's not my real aunt?

Not a real nose. Got a picture of her
when she's 14 in a swimming cap.

She looks like a falcon.

Spent an entire year living in that
stupid model home with those people...

and all they did was lie to us.

The most recent lie was Michael's
father had had a heart attack while in prison.

We lost him.

What the doctor meant to say
was that George Sr. Had escaped...

a feat he'd accomplished by using
the family's portable stairway vehicle.

I'd love to see the look on their faces
right now.

- "Where'd he go?"
- Or they- they think we're just headed home.

Actually, you know,
that's kind of what I thought...



until I heard about
all that Phoenix stuff.

Michael was concerned
that the full impact ofhis departure...

might have been lost on his family.

- Hello. Who is this?
- Yes, this is Dr. Blumen.

I'm calling regarding Michael Bluth.

Michael! Phone!

They think we're still there.
We're goin' back.

Hey, Mom. Any messages?

None.

No, there was a message.

It was about my health,
but it doesn't matter.

My son and l-

Buster, what are you doing
with Mother's rape horn?

Yes, I have a rape horn, Michael,
because you took away my mace.

Yeah, like anyone would want to "R" her.

This is what I'm talking about, Michael.

Now that your father has deserted us,
Buster's become impossible to control.

Suddenly he's too much of a big shot
to brush Mother's hair.

Well, I'm not he-

I'm not helping you
with Buster anymore.

I'm not helping anyone with anything.

I came here to tell you
that my son and l-

George Michael, meanwhile,
was approached by his cousin Maeby.

So, you're really leavin', huh?

Have you told your girlfriend, Bland?
I mean, Ann.

- She's not my girlfriend, and she's not bland.
- Really?

Because, I mean, under her school picture
it said "not pictured."

Okay, they printed a retraction
in the spring supplement.

And, yeah, she was really lookin' forward
to seeing me in my Uncle Sam outfit...

in that Get Out The Vote
assembly tomorrow.

Wasn't that supposed to be
before the election?

They had to postpone it when that foreign
exchange student parked too close to the gym.

I do it. I play Uncle Sam.

Better than part I have now-
guy who orders strike on Pearl Harbor.

I don't know why you're not taking
this "I'm out ofhere"seriously...

but I am out of here, seriously.

- Let's face it, Michael.
You've made this threat before.
- Tell me. When?

That's it. I'm out of here.

- Ta-da!
- I'm out of here.

We got the attacking animal down.

I'm out of this family, seriously.

This time we're gonna be so far away,
you'll never be able to find us.

- We're goin' to Phoenix.
- Don't tell 'em where.

- L-I just thought-
- It doesn't matter why.

Michael, maybe the reason
why you always come back...

is because you need us
more than we need you.

Oh, that's rich.

Huh. I need you.
All right, I'll tell you what.

Mom, you're always asking me
to help you look after Buster.

You can find somebody else.
I hope she doesn't kill you.

I'll kill her first.

And good luck trying to find someone else
to run the business, by the way.

Gob, instead of always coming to me
asking me for money...

saying, "I've made a huge mistake"...

you can bail yourself out next time.

I've never admitted to a mistake.
What would I have made a mistake about?

Lindsay, instead of sleeping in twin beds,
you and your husband take the master bedroom.

It's not like you've never come to me
with your marital problems...

saying, "Oh, help me, Michael.
I think my husband might be a"-

Ohh!

- Well- It's-
- Here we go.

And so, once again, the guys were
on their way to Phoenix, never to look back.

It's just the lab calling.

We'll give him the bad news in Phoenix.

- They know we're gone.
- Great.

You did say Phoenix again,
but what do we care?

Sorry.

Now, do you want to steer, or are you
too old to sit on your pop's lap and drive?

I think I might be.

Okay.

Car's registered to George Bluth,
so we had to check.

- But he's been caught, so you're free to go.
- He's been caught?

Michael knew
ifhe went back to see his father...

he would only end up
saying something hurtful.

We're goin' back.

In fact, the police only
thought they'd arrested George Sr.

Do you have any cookies
with no preservatives?

But had gotten
his twin brother, Oscar, instead.

- Oscar! A tall tea for Oscar!
- Yeah!

Oh, good grief. It's Oscar.

Oh, thank God you've come.

Lucille had a relationship
with Oscar years earlier...

- which she was not eager to rekindle.
- What is wrong with you?

- The boy is here.
- Oh.

- They said my father was here.
- Did they?

- Let's get out of here.
- What-What about Oscar?

Yes. They impounded my, uh-
my humble trailer.

- You'll stay with us.
- No, he won't.

You're the one who says
I need a father figure.

Yes. A father figure.

Fine. But you're not sleeping
in my bed.

- Okay.
- Okay. Yeah.

Soon, Michael arrived to claim his father...

and was met by the family attorney,
Barry Zuckerkorn.

- Hmm.
- No, I know, I know, I know.

Everybody says leave it alone,
leave it alone.

Does this look contagious to you?
Hey, kiddo.

All right. It wasn't your father.

It was your uncle.
I ran into them as they were leaving.

There he is! Got ya!

- Oh, for God's sake.
- Yeah!

I only came back to tell him I was leaving,
so I guess it's time to go, Son.

- Where you going?
- We can't tell you.

No, no. We can tell Barry.
We're going to Phoenix.

Oh, I wish you hadn't have said that.

As your lawyer, I have to inform you
you cannot leave the state.

With your father gone,
they want to hold you.

- M-Me?
- They're going to indict you tomorrow.

All you have to do is come up with the bail.
Take it out of the business.

But l- I can't. I quit. I don't want
to follow in my father's footsteps.

Then you might wind up on his cot.

Oh, man, I wish you hadn't
said Phoenix. Wow.

Michael had just found out
he couldn't leave the state...

Michael had just found out
he couldn't leave the state...

unless he came up with bail.

Okay, listen. I'm gonna get the company
checkbook and don't tell the family.

We can't give them the satisfaction of
telling them that I need money, okay?

- Do you remember what we say about the family?
- It's not Aunt Lindsay's nose.

Yes, but no.

Don't- Don't tell them
that we were goin' to-

- We say we don't need them. Hmm?
- Oh. Yeah. Okay.

The new one. I didn't-

It comes
from knowing you're toned and fit.

- What are you doing?
- I'm exercising, Michael.

I see you found an exercise tape
made for people as lazy as you are.

- I do have a love life.
- Tighten, one, two, three.

Okay, this is going off.

One night in the master bedroom,
and you got yourself a love life again?

Well, I'll be honest.
At first, it was awkward.

Together, two, three, four.

- Release, two, three, four.
- Oh, Lindsay.

Uh, well, this is exciting.

- Finally we can be a normal couple.
- Nice to be back in a queen.

- It's too much pressure.
- I can't do this.

So Lindsay and Tobias finally
took a hard look at their relationship.

You know, Lindsay, as a therapist,
I have advised a number of couples...

to explore an open relationship...

where-where the couple
remains emotionally committed...

but free to explore
extramarital encounters.

- Did it work for those people?
- No. It never does.

These people somehow delude themselves
into thinking it might, but-

but it might work for us.

- We could give it a shot.
- Great. We'll hammer out the details later.

Right now we've got a daughter to tell.

Maeby, we're having a family meeting!

- On her way to the family meeting...
- Family meeting!

- Lindsay had an unexpected encounter.
- Hello.

Oh, hi. Gob told me to come by.

Well, uh, I don't think he's here.

Well, tell him I like what I see.

And we probably won't even act on it.
We're not gonna get a divorce.

If anything, it'll bring
Mommy and Daddy closer together.

I met someone. I've got a date.

I'm dating someone.

Well.
Let the great experiment begin!

- You're not using my master bedroom for that.
- I believe you left.

Or did you realize
how much you need us after all?

- Actually, I came back because I need something.
- Hmm.

Some things. Like the checkbook.
Where's the corporate checkbook?

Gob must've taken it to the office.

Mom put him in charge.
That's right, Michael. He's got your oldjob.

Well, I better get over there before
he brings the whole company down.

It's only been three hours.
How much damage could he really do?

And release.

In three hours,
Gob had done $45,000 in damage.

In there, please.

Hey, where's my desk?

Oh, I think it's the massage table
in the break room now.

- Take the window.
- No, hold it.

Gob, Mom may think
that she's given you my job...

but the board still has to
approve that decision.

- Actually, they already have.
- Why should we believe in you?

For the same reason you should
believe that a hundred-dollar bill...

is no more than a hundred pennies.

They approved me unanimously.

Why wouldn't they?
You've only lost them $99 so far.

I've already been pretty successful.

Showing the model house again.
Sent a Realtor over there yesterday.

It was this Realtor who'd run into
Lindsay, thinking she was looking for a home.

I have an open thing goin' on too.
I'll give you the address, and you can come by.

And I think you'll really
like the neighbors.

Okay.

So what brings you here?
I hope it's not for a handout.

I run a pretty tight ship around here.

- With a pool table?
- It's a gaming ship.

I'm here because
I thought you might need me.

- I need you?
- That's right.

Oh, boy, that's good.

Can't wait to call the guys in
to hear this one.

Listen-
How do you intercom on this?

- Star two.
- Yeah. At the same time?

Yeah, just-
No, the star in the corner. The star.

- So if I do it like that-
- No, turn it around the other way. Star.

- Oh, that star.
- Let's just hang it up. There we go.

L-I thought that you might need me
to help you with the books.

You know, the corporate checkbook.
Where is it?

Actually, Mom's got it.
She wasn't comfortable with me-

Michael now had the distasteful choice...

of either asking his mother for money
or going tojail.

Maybe Buster killed her already.

Tobias was also having a bad day.

Lindsay had met someone,
and he hadn't.

And that's when he found what he thought
was a support group for depressed men.

Well, if it isn't the boy
who cried "Phoenix."

Ohh! No, I was just, uh-
just worried about Buster.

I thought maybe I should
give him a little guidance.

Write him a check. Be a role model.
Where's the company checkbook?

I already have a new role model,
Michael.

- His Uncle Oscar is living here now.
- Wow.

You guys have accomplished a lot
in the last three hours.

- Where is he?
- I sent him out for a new air horn.

Yeah!

- We've got it all under control.
- Great.

I'm just worried that it's
only gonna be a matter of time...

before the media starts putting together
all the pieces of this Iraq story.

Michael had recently
found out that the model home...

he and his son currently lived in...

was very similar to some his father
may have illegally been building in Iraq.

They haven't yet. And frankly,
it's a very difficult charge to prove.

Man, that jury's gonna
fall in love with you.

- What do you need, Michael?
- I don't need anything.

I'm great,
'cause everyone else is great.

I can't tell you how nice it is
to not be needed anymore.

I want you.

Okay, the jury might actually like that.

It was at that moment that Gob
found something thejury might not like.

Hammer. Oops.

And Lindsay arrived
at what she thought was a date.

Hey! You found it.

So, shall we start in the kitchen?

- I thought the bedroom.
- Sure.

I'll meet you up there.
I gotta make this place smell like cookies.

And you should know,
I am anticipating multiples on this.

Well, I wouldn't be doing this
if I didn't think that was a possibility.

Lindsay was nervous
and took a shower to relax.

I can't do this. I'm not ready for this.

Come on, kids. We'll go downstairs
and have some cookies.

The kids were in for some bad news too.

Tobias, meanwhile, discovered that
what he thought was a support group...

turned out to be a team
ofbald men painted blue.

Even Lucille was about
to find herself in trouble.

Oh, you've done this before.

You know, you should let
your hair grow long.

Yeah? I've thought about it.
I guess I'd look like you.

More than you'll ever know.

Are you living in one
of Saddam's many palaces?

They may have been built
by the same developer.

And a seal attack.
Meet one surprised bather, coming up.

Seven minutes had passed
since Gob had discovered the document.

Gob, your mother on line one.

I'm coming over.
Don't talk to anyone.

It was at that moment that Lucille
was stopped by a documentary filmmaker.

Uh, your company's being accused of
profiting off the building of houses in Iraq.

That's crazy.
We're all loyal Americans.

Oh, yeah. Would you enlist
your son or daughter in the army?

Yes.

Michael was out of options...

and, knowing that his father had a penchant
for hiding valuable things in walls...

considered one last desperate gambit.

This is crazy. What am I doing?
Using a hammer to try to-

- Are you crazy?
- Are you blue?

Only in color, Michael.
Only in color.

It seems I might have stumbled
upon an acting opportunity.

As a member of the Blue Man Group?

Oh, no, you're thinking
of the support group.

I made that same mistake myself.
They're called the Blue Man Group.

But it's funny. If I hadn't
sought out a support group...

I never would've gotten this gig
as an understudy for a performance art group.

You know, the universe works
in mysterious ways, Michael.

You never know where help is going
to come from until you look for it.

Why does everybody think
that I need help?

Michael, look at you.

I mean, you're holding a sledgehammer,
your shirt is cov- Oh, I did that.

Um, here, let me, uh-Well-

And Michael realized
that he, too, had been too proud.

- I need money.
- I can't help you.

I know. It did bother me
that they did so well without me.

But l-I do have to ask them for help.

And I have to ask for an audition.

You haven't auditioned yet?

Oh, no, no.
I'm not in the group yet.

No, I'm afraid I just "blue" myself.

There's gotta be
a better way to say that.

Tobias rushed to the theater,
hoping to be seen.

Unfortunately, it was dusk,
and he couldn't be seen.

What the hell was that?

So, for the second time in two days,
the family gathered at the hospital.

Everything's gonna be okay.
I'm sure he's gonna be fine.

I'm so sorry that this happened.
I spoke to him just before he left the house.

- Oh, really? What was the last thing he said?
- I just "blue" myself.

He said some wonderful things...

including the fact
that sometimes people...

are too proud to ask for help
when they need it.

- Oh, God! Fine. I need you!
- I need you, okay, Michael?
- No, l-I didn't mean for-

He was a Realtor, Michael.
Now my husband's in the hospital.

Mom volunteered me for the army
just because the fat man dared her to.

- We can't let them take Buster.
- I lost my wig, my Uncle Sam wig.

Michael, I am sitting on
some very hot information here.

I know too much.
I've got the thingy.

Half in English, half in scribbly.

Michael, please, we need you!

Well, I hate to cancel
my medical follow-up in Phoenix...

but you give me the corporate checkbook,
I'll see what I can do.

Excuse me. Mrs. F?nke.

- Oh, this guy again.
- How is he, Doctor?

It, uh, looks like he's dead.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, little guy!

- The tears aren't coming!
The tears just aren't coming!
- Okay, okay.

Uh, just to be clear-

Looks like he's dead, or he is dead?

It just looks like he's dead.

He's got, like, blue paint on him
or something, but he's going to be fine.

- What is wrong with you?
- What a- doctor!

- I'll let you celebrate privately.
- Hey, we want this comped!

Well, I'm gonna-
I'm just gonna head out.

You don't need some, uh, piece of-
uncle hanging around.

Hey, hey! That's not my dad. That's not the guy
you want. If you want anybody, it's me.

- What?
- Michael?

Yeah. I gotta turn myself in
or make bail...

uh, maybe by, like, 8:00.

Hey, hey, hey. That's enough.

Whoa, hey. You might want
to have that looked at.

Thanks, Mikey.

They think I'm involved
in this Iraq thing...

and I can't prove that I'm not
with Dad not around...

so I need your help
or I'm gonna go to jail.

We've got the proof, Michael.
Dad signed a contract with Saddam.

Hussein.

Use it.

If it makes your father look bad,
then so be it. He's long gone now.

- Hey, uh, where's the briefcase?
- Oscar has it.

Hey, I'm awfully sorry I'm late.

I got here as fast as l-
Oh, how is he?

Did you just change your clothes?

Hey, look what I found on windowsill.

Just hat. Someone take wig.

In fact, it was George Sr. Who took wig...

- Hit it!
- and was fleeing the country with the evidence...

Michael so badly needed.

You made a huge mistake.

On the next Arrested Development.

- Lindsay almost stumbles
upon a dating opportunity.
- You look really hot.

But instead, is admitted to the hospital
with a fever of 104.

Michael finally gets
the corporate checkbook...

only to find that the family
has gotten to it first.

And Barry lands in jail.

You're glad Tobias is pressing charges?

I am having the time of my life.

- Hey.
- Hey, Dr. Hate.

No touching!