Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Storming the Castle - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Before going to work,
Michael decided to have a little fun.

I'm doing a little cost-projection
analysis for a mini-mall.

Wow. That's pretty cool you
know how to do all that stuff.

Yeah. Well, maybe your old man is just a little
bit cooler than you thought he was.

Stupid. Stupid chair.
Very stupid chair.

But it's also this stupid
model home furniture.

Maybe I oughta get myself one of those
nice leather chairs from work.



- People can take chairs home from work?
- Well, not everybody.

But I'm the president of
the Bluth Company since Dad's in jail.

It's okay if I take a little
something from work, you know?

Yeah, but isn't that why Grandpa's in jail,
because he took things from work?

You're a good kid, you know that?

I mean, a chair costs money,
so it's like stealing, and you always say...

Not stealing. Not.

I'm the one that taught you
stealing is bad, all right?

I'm just saying, you know,
if I got a leather chair, okay?

And I get to lean back...
Oh, this one's gonna go.

Leather chair? So, you're against stealing,
but skinning cows is cool with you.

I'm fine, by the way. Frankly, your concern
is getting embarrassing.

- Since when are you against leather?
- You're not even a vegetarian.

I'm not against the insides.
People need meat to survive.



You are aware they don't remove it
from the cow surgically, right?

Hi, Michael.

Marta, hi. Hey, it's Marta.

Hey, Marta, everybody.
Great to see you.

- I was just looking for Gob.
- Well, you're his girlfriend.

Michael wished Marta
was his girlfriend.

A secret he had only shared
with Lindsay.

Actually, we had a big fight.
He thought I was belittling his career...

- but I never would do that.
- Neither would I. What career?

- The magic?
- Oh, the tricks. The little tricks.

- Those are great.
- Well, he didn't like my reaction to his new one.

Real needle. Real apple.

Real neck.

?I es zombi!

They're children!
How could you do that?

Oh, sure. First you dump all over it,
now you wanna know how it's done.

- And I wanted to apologize.
- Well, he hasn't been here.

But he said he was
staying here. Oh, my God.

- Maybe he's staying with another woman.
- No, no, no. No, no.

He is staying here.
I just haven't seen him here...

the foyer or the kitchen.

- Well, that's a relief.
- Yeah.

- Well, tell him to call me when he gets in.
- I sure will, Marta.

- If you remember.
- I will remember.

Yeah. I'll give him
the message though. Okay.

- She's gone.
- Yep. Got it.

- You are too nice.
- Oh, come on. What was I supposed to do?

Tell her that Gob is not staying here?
Tell her Gob is screwing around on her?

God knows where he is?
Actually, that-that sounded okay.

Nah, you'll never be able to do it.
You're too good.

- You're the noble one.
- Thank you.

- The one who never wins.
- l-I don't know about that.

- The loser. The fool.
- Hmm?

She is such a hypocrite.
Doesn't it drive you nuts?

- Crazy. Wait. Who is? Which part?
- My mom.

She pretends to care
about all these causes.

Lindsay had always been celebrated...

for her wine and cheese charity fund-raisers.

I mean, now she's anti-leather? Let's see how
she feels when her daughter's pro-leather.

Wanna go shopping with me?
I bet you could get something cool.

In fact, George Michael
had been trying to prove to Maeby...

that he was macho, after
an embarrassing brush with her.

Your legs look exactly like mine,
and I just shaved mine.

So I'm thinking of getting a motorcycle.

I'm gonna need a leather jacket when I'm on
my hog and need to go into a controlled slide.

There's my little girl. I've got great news.
Daddy has the entire day off.

But you have every day off.
You don't have a job.

Well... I don't need money to hang
out with my daughter. Where are you going?

- We're going shopping.
- Oh, no, no. I can't do that.

The next day, Michael
was stopped on his way to work.

- Get in.
- What?

If you care about your brother,
you'll get in this car.

- Which brother?
- Gob.

Let me be clearer.

Tell him Rollo wants him to
say good-bye to his legs.

- Michael went looking for Gob.
- Mom.

I'm so glad you're here. I want you to help
me break up your brother and his girlfriend.

Well, I'm all for that.
We've just gotta find him first.

- He's locked on the balcony.
- Oh.

You meant Buster.
I thought you were talking about Gob.

No. I will not have Buster
dating my best friend.

Tension had been high
between the two Lucilles...

since Buster had announced
he'd been dating her.

Although neither had addressed this, both
had given indications of their true feelings.

- Mom, you're ruining our fort.
- I mean, she's been a family friend for years.

It's just... creepy.

Hi, buddy. Mom, I think
you might be overreacting.

She changed him as a baby.

Okay. That-That's about
the creepiest thing I've ever heard.

That's why she didn't look surprised.

You're the only child who chose a spouse
I liked, and she's the one who had to die.

I know. That's rough for you.
Mom, I'm looking for Gob.

There's some people after him, and I
don't know whether it's gambling or what...

but, um, they wanna break his legs.

It's a good thing he's already got
that little scooter.

Oh, don't give me that look.

I happen to be
a more caring mother than most.

- Where's my bed?
- I put it in storage.

I guess you'll just have to decide which
Lucille you want to spend your nights with.

Okay. Before I leave this place
for the last time ever, has anyone seen Gob?

I saw him last night
at the Playtime Pizza Theater. On my date.

Of which I have
another one tonight.

And I'm going to
continue dating, Mom.

Sounds a little bit like "dating Mom."

- It's starting to feel a little like it.
- Hmm.

Lucille decided she needed
the help of Buster's father.

Unfortunately,
after a recent escape attempt...

George Sr. had been
put in solitary confinement.

Michael went to find
his brother at his latest gig.

- What's up, Mike?
- Yeah. What are you doing here?

Can't get any work, Mike.
Magicians' Alliance has blackballed me...

- from every venue in town.
- Hmm.

Even my own so-called girlfriend
doesn't believe in me.

Well, I don't wanna get into
that part of your life anymore.

Okay. Listen, I just came here to tell you
that this guy named Rollo...

pulled me over
and made some threats.

- What kind of threats?
- He said to say good-bye to your legs.

I don't know whether
this guy's a mobster, a loan shark...

- something equally scary.
- A magician.

I think you're confusing scary with silly.
This guy was frightening. He was in a limo.

No, he's a magician.
He replaced me in the Alliance.

He's the reason I gotta
do my act in this hellhole.

- Why does he wanna break your legs?
- He doesn't wanna break my legs.

- He wants to take my legs.
- l-I don't...

The legs... The bottom half of
my saw-the-lady-in-half trick.

No, not now. I'm showing him
how to do the trick.

Two chicks curl up in a box.
We call one the head and one the legs.

- So that's how they do it.
- God, I gotta stop giving these things away.

The top half there,
what do you do about that?

- I just get a volunteer from the crowd.
- Oh, yeah?

The old top half quit when she found out
I was sleeping with the legs.

I guess word
really gets around in there.

So Rollo wants your legs, but you're
cheating on Marta with those legs.

Would you give me a break, please?
The legs are insanely jealous.

Is that why you haven't seen Marta for the
past few days? This is about your love life.

I can't believe it. Just forget it.
I came here to try to help...

- Hey, I appreciate your time.
- Great. Great.

You know what, Gob?

Marta is a once-in-a-lifetime
woman. She's a treasure.

And I don't think you're showing her
enough respect, okay?

She doesn't respect my career.

Okay.

He's having sex with a woman in his act?

I gotta tell Marta what's going on.

First of all, she'll hate you for it.
It's called shoot the messenger.

Secondly, it's not in your nature.
I mean, you're like Mr. Morals.

- You can't even take a desk chair.
- Damn it.

l-I'm a saint, you know? I'm a living saint,
and I get absolutely nothing out of it.

Well, you get a false feeling
of superiority.

I know. That is nice,
but this time, it's not enough.

Why do I always have to be the one that
has to set the good example for everyone?

- Hey, guys.
- Oh, that's why.

- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, honey.

Moo?

Mmm. Moo, honey.

You have to be some sort of
she hulk to get this.

- You just gotta really dig.
- Well, it's not... enjoy...

Oh, Maeby, great news.
I got my hands on some money.

I can't say how or when...
or where my wedding ring is...

but, my purse overfloweth
as do my high spirits...

- so a-shopping we must go.
- Dad, we already went.

That's why we're wearing all this leather.
I'm really into leather.

- Tell Mom.
- Yes.

- If you ever need to borrow
any money or anything...
- No. Thank you, no.

So Tobias chose to pursue
a common interest with his daughter.

- May I help you?
- I hope so. Um, I'm looking
for something that says...

- "Dad likes leather."
- Something that says, "leather daddy"?

Oh, is there such a thing?

Later that day,
Michael got a surprise visit.

- Marta. What are you doing here?
- I was looking for Gob.

- He said he was working here today.
- Oh, yes? Please.

He said that, huh?
Said that he's working, huh? Wow. Here?

What else did he say? Did he tell you
I gave him your message?

- Not that I'm the messenger, you know?
- He told me.

I don't know what you said to him,
but it really turned him around.

- He said I was a treasure.
- She's a treasure.

And a
once-in-a-lifetime woman.
- Mm-hmm.

Listen, Marta, Gob is...

- a poet.
- Mm.

He's touched. I'm gonna tell him
that you stopped by...

- and, uh, you have a nice day.
- Thank you.

You're such a good brother.
Always trying to help him.

- He showed me the watch you gave him.
- The watch?

I appreciate your time.

And so, for the first time,
Michael set a plan in motion...

to take something
that didn't belong to him.

You know, I was thinking, I'd like to
help you guys out one more time.

You know what you should do?
You should surprise Gob onstage.

- I know that he's looking for a new assistant.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Could you help me with that?

- Yes.
- You really are a good guy, Michael.

Well, you can't change who you are.

Michael went to
the popular magic parlor...

Michael went to
the popular magic parlor...

the Gothic Castle, to ask a favor of Rollo.

I was wondering if, uh... if you would
give my brother a show?

One more chance to get back in
with the Alliance. That's all I ask.

And-And you will get your legs back.

How?

You're asking me to reveal my trick?

So Michael went to give
his brother the good news.

- Really, tomorrow night?
- Yeah. You just gotta make sure
you do the sawing in half trick.

- I don't even have a top half.
- Don't worry about that.

I got someone I want you to use. She's perfect.
A great girl. You're doing me a favor.

- Has she got big cans?
- I'll see ya there, Gob.

- You're a good brother.
- You're a horrible brother, Michael.

Pretty good, huh?

You're gonna put Marta
onstage with the legs?

It's gonna blow up.
Legs get upset. Marta gets upset.

Marta leaves Gob,
and I don't get shot.

You'll never be able to
pull the trigger on this.

- You can't escape it, Michael.
You're the good guy.
- Call me what you want.

- An impotent man-boy?
- But it is done. The plan is in motion.

- This just isn't you.
- It's me now. It's the me that can recline.

- Did that hurt?
- No.

This stuff's kind of hot, isn't it?

- I hadn't noticed.
- Hey, gang.

Mind if squeeze in here
for a moment? Oh!

Look at us. Who'd wanna mess with
any of us, huh?

- Excuse me.
- Yes. Oop.

- Did you get a job or something?
- No. No, I didn't.

Unless you consider
"World's Coolest Daddy" a job.

If l...

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, buddy. You're still wearing that jacket, huh?

- Yeah. I was just going for a new look.
- Yeah?

Trying to introduce
some edge to the whole palette.

- Hmm. Kind of liked you the way you were.
- You did?

Yeah. I mean, we can't really change
who we are anyway, right?

Wish you'd told me that before
I threw away my Windbreaker.

- Oh, you bought a chair.
- Uh, no, actually, I borrowed it.
Like we talked about.

Well, I thought we decided
that was like stealing.

Is that where we landed on that?

As Michael was becoming more selfish...

his father was choosing
a more pious path.

Which made Buster and Lucille's visit
go much differently than planned.

Why is there
a piece of shoe on your head?

This is a... Well, it's a reminder that
the divine presence...

is always above me.

Well, more importantly,
Buster's been humping the widow Austero.

- Mom.
- Is that true?

No. We're taking it slow.

He stays there sometimes
until 7:00, 8:00 at night.

Peanut brittle on his breath. Is she the one
who's going to take him to the dentist?

She already has.

- What?
- "May you live. May you be well.
I give you my blessing."

- Wow! Really?
- Are you out of your mind?

- Just follow the heart that God gave you, hmm?
- No touching.

No...

Can you get me
some of that peanut brittle?

On the night of the show,
the family arrived at the Gothic Castle...

and in the green room, Michael was
preparing Marta for the trick.

At the bottom of the box.
And you two guys are free to talk.

Okay. Gob, Gob, Gob.

What is going on?
Where's the top half?

I have to teach her this trick.
She's gotta fold her knees.

It's a fantastic trick. I don't want you
to worry though. I've already told her.

Now where are the legs?
Are they running late?

- So is everyone here?
- I think so. I haven't seen Tobias.

In fact, Tobias
had intended to come...

but had a slight miscommunication
with his cabdriver.

- Where to, mate?
- The Gothic Castle.

- Gothic Asshole?
- That's what I said.

And ended up
in the wrong location.

Oh, I am glad
I didn't go with that outfit.

Yes, hello. I am looking for the magic.

Danke sch?n.

Oh. Hello, Lucille.

Hello, Lucille.
Having a good time with my son?

- Actually, we're having a wonderful time.
- You know, he's damaged goods.

- He was born with a hole in his heart.
- Now listen to me, Lucille.

- I'm gonna fill that hole, 'cause we're in love.
- Oh, please.

You're no more in love
with him than I am.

Okay. We're all saying some things
we're going to regret.

Meanwhile, Gob was
almost ready to begin his show.

Okay. It's magic time.

- Hey, good luck out there now.
- Listen, I got you something...

for being such a good guy...
not that it's a surprise, you always are.

Oh, well, uh...

- My watch.
- I want you to have it.

Well, you've stolen so many things
from me over the years.

This is the first time
you've ever given something back.

I wanna try to be a better brother,
like you are to me.

We're ready for you.

Gob...

have a good show out there.

Ladies and gentlemen, a magician named Gob.

- Dad?
- Hey, George Michael.

- Where's the leather jacket?
- It's like you said...
you can't change who you are.

So what? So I don't have
any hair on my arms or legs. So what?

You know, a leather jacket's
not gonna change that.

You know, I was trying to
act like a tough guy, and it's wrong.

- I'm just a boring, old nice guy like you.
- I'm not that nice.

Dad, if this is about
the chair... I've been thinking.

You deserve it. You know, it's not like
you'd ever steal something big.

Michael was having
second thoughts about his plan.

But then he got some unexpected help.

Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt. You'd better
tell Gob, the legs aren't coming.

- Oh, my God.
- I can't believe the legs would screw him like this.

This is his one last chance. They'll never
let him in the Alliance again.

You have to do something.
This is so important to me and Gob.

Where am I gonna get a pair of beautiful
women's legs on such short notice?

So, the trick went forward as planned.

And now, my, hopefully,
lovely assistant will join me.

Wiggle those sexy gams, lady.

I'm okay with myself.
I'm okay with myself.

Mom, did you see it? I'm back in.

I've got the career back.

- Thank you for coming.
- And when Lucille noticed...

how happy Marta had made Gob, she realized
how important love was to her children.

- Mom.
- Hello, Buster.

If you're still mad,
I don't care. I'm in love.

I actually came to ask
Lucille something.

- What?
- I was wondering...

if you'd like to play bridge
with me next week?

I'd absolutely adore it. Oh, Lucille.

Oh, God. Look at us, Buster.

We're back together again.
Lucille and Lucille.

You guys are friends again.
You can play bridge together.

Could you just... just separate?

Michael watched as
the brother he swore to stop helping...

enjoyed the girlfriend
he helped him reunite with.

And so he returned to work, accepting
the fact that he was a good guy.

But not as good as everyone thought.

This really worked better with the chair.

On the next Arrested Development.

The Alliance decides to let Gob back in.

Tell me, how'd you get two Alliance-approved
assistants with such short notice?

That was just my girlfriend and my nephew.

Well, you're out.

- And Tobias gets some good news.
- I got a gig.