Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 1, Episode 22 - Let 'Em Eat Cake - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Low-carb diets
are sweeping the nation...

but some local businesses
are being left in the dust.

- And the latest on Iraq...
- Hey, George Michael.

They're gonna show that interview you did.
We're gonna watch it on Thursday, okay?

- I'll make some popcorn.
- Popcorn? Really? Cool.

- Yeah, the hell with Atkins, huh?
- Oh. Yeah.

Oh, why blow it now?
I'll fry up some bacon.



Uh, Dad...

Buddy, you gotta
take it easy, okay?

I'm showing this
as a model again.

I don't want people to think
we've got shoddy workmanship.

That might not
have been your fault.

I know. Nothing works
in this house.

- Tell me about it.
- Is that a shot at me?

- Probably.
- Because for your information, I got a job.

- Really? What kind of job?
- Beads.

- Bees?
- Beads.
- Beads?

- Gob's not on board.
- Beads are very big right now.

Uh, anklets,
necklaces, you name it.

- Bracelets?
- But I'll need some start-up money.

I'm in. But we're
gonna need a lot.



Beads aren't cheap.
Are beads cheap?

Gob, shouldn't you
be in bed?

Well, we got a meeting
with Dad's attorney today.

He's gonna want me to
take a lie-detector test...

to use as evidence
in Dad's trial, but, uh, I don't want to.

What if they ask about a magic trick?
I just... I can't risk it.

They're not gonna ask you anything.
They want me to take the polygraph test.

But... I'm the oldest.

- The matriarch, if you will.
- Sure. I will.

Listen, I have to do this to help out Dad,
and you don't know anything about our business.

Gob, I'm not looking for a partner. And,
believe me, if I was, it would not be you.

Oh. Good.

Well, I'll start my own business.
How hard can it be?

Z-z-z-z-z!

Bz-z-z-z-z-z!

We'll see who
brings in more honey.

- He's thinking about bees again.
- Oh.

I'm not just gonna cut you a check so you can
throw it away on another failed business.

Hey, "Mommy, What Will I
Look Like?" should have worked.

Lindsay had once started
a photo-enhancing service...

which gave new parents a glimpse at
what their infants would look like...

in half a century.

Hey, you put an ugly kid in, you can't be
surprised when an ugly adult comes out.

Look, I need to become self-reliant.
It's not gonna last with Tobias.

He's completely oblivious.
He's got no idea how I'm feeling or thinking.

- So there's no sex?
- I mean, how do you not have sex with me?

It is a struggle.
I'll tell you what.

I'll help you out,
but you gotta work.

Great. Before you know it,
I'll be in the red.

And you can take that
to the bank.

I'm sure they'll
contact me first.

And that's when Michael
got a call that made him wish...

he hadn't promised
his sister the money.

Hello.

Kitty?

And later, the family waited for Michael
at the prison meeting room.

- How do you make money from it?
- I don't know. Honey?

- Or just as gifts.
- Who'd want a bee as a gift?

While Buster and Annyong
waitedjust outside.

- Come on. Just let me have one bite.
- No.

Mother said no carbohydrate for you
if you ever gonna...

get girlfriend
that's not old lady.

- At least I can get a girlfriend.
- I can get a girlfriend before you.

- Oh, we'll see about that.
- Why aren't you in there?

Oh, I was just keeping
Annyong company.

Give me that bagel, you little...
Give it to me!

Whoa! Our star witness!
Come here.

Good to see you. You know what?
Don't get too close to me.

'Cause I've got an itch you can't believe.
I think something laid eggs on me.

- Thanks for the heads-up.
- That's okay. We've got your polygraph
set for tomorrow.

- About that...
- I'll tell them, Michael.

I won't do it.
I'm afraid of what I might know.

You? No one wants you.
Does anyone want him?

- Who would want him?
- They don't want you.

- Good.
- I might not be the best witness either.

- I got a phone call from Kitty this morning.
- His secretary?

- My secretary.
- She says that she's got some evidence...

and she's threatening to bring down
the company unless we meet her demands.

Oh, that is just great.

And now I'm expected to climb back
on top of Kitty and do my thing again.

I mean, this family
runs into problems, it's...

"Oh, let's have Gob
our way out of it."

- What is the matter with you?
- It's me that she wants to meet with, Gob.

Oh. Good.

Now, what does she have, Dad?
I need to know.

No, you can't know.
We got to keep you nice and clean, Michael.

- Especially if you're going
to take that lie detector test.
- He is absolutely right.

Find out what Kitty wants
andjust give it to her...

but don't find out
what she knows.

Michael, you can
save this business.

You are the only one
who can do it.

Yeah, besides me, right? But I kind of
got my hands full with these babies.

- He's got bees!
- No bees!

Get it!

They don't allow you
to have bees in here.

And business was slow
at the banana stand...

- when George Michael made a new friend.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Are bananas high in carbohydrates?

Oh, you're
on Atkins too?

Uh, yeah. Actually, that's, um...
that's why I'm gonna be on... on TV.

- You are?
- I was interviewed for Hindsight, with John Beard.

I, uh, I gave them a joke,
but I don't know if they're gonna use it.

You know, thanks to this diet craze,
the last time we had a customer...

the banana stand
was still green.

Lose it. No, lose the whole kid.
We'll just go with the Iraq piece.

- That's so cool.
- I guess.

You wanna watch over at my house?

Yeah, l-I guess.

And Michael headed off to meet Kitty.

Their last meeting
had ended poorly.

Say good-bye
to your company, Michael.

- And say good-bye to these.
- No, no, no, no.

So Michael was understandably
anxious about their reunion.

Guess I do get to see them again, huh?

Can we please have one conversation
that's not about my rack, Michael?

- Yeah.
- Maybe a better question would be...

what evidence do I have
against you, because...

No, no, no. I don't...
I don't wanna know.

I just want to know
what you want.

I'd like to be in charge
of the Bluth Company.

Well, I want a hamburger and French fries,
but I can't have the bun or potatoes. Get real.

I deserve it. Your father promised it
to me on the day he went to prison.

Sounds like something
that he would do.

And if I can't be in charge, then I'm
going to have to tell the entire world...

that your father was
building houses overseas...

- without paying...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop, stop. Stop.

Act... No. Finish. Finish.
Um, without paying what? Taxes?

Model houses, Michael.
Overseas.

And he hid it...
from the U.S. government.

That's it? That's what
my dad's been hiding... back taxes?

And unless you plan
on paying them...

your dad's gonna be
in prison for a long time.

No, we'll pay them. Forget it. We'll just...
We'll mortgage the company if we have to.

We found money for those.
We'll find money for taxes. Good to see ya.

Yeah. If I was in charge,
that would have been my first move too.

As Michael returned home,
George Michael was heading out...

to meet the girl
from the banana stand.

Great news. The business
is gonna be okay.

Yeah, I thought bananas
would be okay on the diet.

No, l-I meant... Well...
You haven't been eating those, have you?

- No. No. Not at all. Just some nuts.
- Good. Those are fine.

What I meant was, I think we're gonna
be seeing Pop-Pop sooner than we thought.

Huh?
Does that sound good?

- Do you hear that rattle?
- It is very worrisome.

- Hey, what the hell are you doing?
- Great news, Michael.

We're thinking of purchasing
a Bluth model home.

And let's check the oven.

Whoa! That doesn't
inspire confidence.

Lindsay, the bead business
taking off, is it?

Actually, I am the breadwinner, Michael,
as it turns out.

I was walking
in a strange place today...

a place I'd never
set foot in before.

Tobias, walking down a street
he'd been down many times...

saw a book he'd written
years earlier as a psychiatrist.

The book, initially unsuccessful,
had suddenly caught fire...

although, strangely,
only in the gay community.

The book is huge. And I have a bit
of money coming my way as a result.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to
go upstairs and run the shower.

Let me know
if it's too loud in the kitchen.

Okay, honey.

So, your husband comes into some money,
and suddenly he's not so oblivious anymore, huh?

Hey, now, this is not me
being shallow, Michael.

He's written a self-help book
that's helping people.

- That does take some insight.
- Listen.

This better not mean
you're blowing off the bead store.

Well, uh, seeing as though you brought it up,
maybe we should get out of this investment.

- I mean, seriously, Michael... beads?
- I knew you'd do this.

You work for three seconds,
and you find something easier and grab it.

It's "Dip-A-Pet"
all over again.

Lindsay also had a brief foray
into what she had then hoped...

- Come back here!
- would be the burgeoning fad
of custom pet coloring.

Well, that would've worked
if you'd sprung for a bigger sink.

George Michael,
our show's about to start.

- He went out on his date.
- A date?

But we had plans to...
A date with who?

Some girl. I mean, she barely has a face.
You couldn't pick her out of a lineup of one.

But first, the palaces of Iraq.

Trisha, tell us about these new
mini-palaces of Saddam's you've discovered.

Our troops have been living here
for the last few days...

and, as you can tell,
they've made themselves right at home.

Now, a lot of this damage
is just due to shoddy workmanship...

but the real surprise here
is that these homes...

appear to be American-built
to begin with.

There have been sanctions
against doing business...

with Hussein's regime
since the early '90s...

- so who built them?
- Does that look a little like our kitchen island?

Well, whoever it is,
they're in a world of trouble.

Michael realized
that his father's crimes...

might be bigger
than he thought.

There's a good chance
I may have committed some light treason.

This might even be
considered light treason.

Oh, my God.

Michael had just found out
his father might have committed...

some light treason
by building model homes in Iraq.

And he tried to get ahold of Kitty,
who he knew had the evidence.

Unfortunately,
Kitty was meeting with Gob at the time.

- What about hash browns?
- No, because hash browns are potatoes.

So you really can't
eat anything on this diet.

Wow. Wonder how this
is gonna affect my honey business?

Gob, I have seen you
get passed over...

time and time again
by your family.

You don't deserve that.
You're smarter than them.

What about macaroni...
let me finish... salad?

Gob, this is your time.

With my help,
knowing what I know...

- we could take over the Bluth Company together.
- Wow!

This is a side of you
I'd never noticed before.

Have they always
been that big?

And the next day,
Michael went to his mother's.

I saw an expos?
on the Iraq palaces last night...

and I could have sworn that one of them
was the Sea Wind unit.

That's funny. I always pictured Iraq
in the middle of the desert.

Dad sold houses to the Iraqis,
didn't he?

And this is what you kept from me
so I could take the polygraph test.

Tell me the truth, okay? 'Cause there's been
a lot of lying in this family.

And a lot of love.

- More lies.
- Look, I never knew about anything.

But I had my suspicions.

He never told me
where he was going...

but he used to come back from those
business trips reeking of lamb.

And people would send figs...
not even at Christmas.

In the middle of October.

Oh, and once,
someone sent him a toe...

and he went white
as a sheet.

I think you're right, Michael.

Zero hour, Michael.
It's the end of the line.

I'm the first born.
Sick of playing second fiddle.

Always third in line for everything.
Tired of finishing fourth.

Being the fifth wheel.

There are six things
I'm mad about...

- and I'm taking over.
- You want to be in charge?

- Yeah.
- You want to deal with what I deal with...

a sister who takes your money
and throws it away;

a mother
who you can't trust;

a company whose founder
may be on trial for treason...

Is that what you want?

- What kind of vacation time does it offer?
- Yeah.

Gob realized that the power play
he promised to make with Kitty...

- had perhaps come at a bad time.
- I've made a huge mistake.

And Tobias was having
his first book reading.

And Tobias was having
his first book reading.

And, for the ease of the reader, I have
changed all the gender-related pronouns...

"he," "she"...
to the masculine "he."

"The Man Inside Me.
For Lindsay, my rock.

I could not have done this
without him."

And Lindsay arrived
to support her husband.

"For there is a man inside me,
and only when he's finally out...

can I walk free of pain."

This book is gonna sell,
like, a billion copies.

Lindsay!
Oh, I'm so glad you came.

I was hoping for more women.

Perhaps I shouldn't have just used "he."
I think that was a mistake.

And Lindsay realized that Tobias was just
as oblivious as she'd always thought.

Tobias, I don't think
this relationship is gonna work.

What are you talking about?
We've had some great times.

We've got nothing left,
Tobias.

And Michael went
to confront his father.

You're building houses in Iraq? I mean,
do you know how they punish treason?

- First time.
- I've never heard of a second.

Oh, I've got the worst...
attorneys.

This is why I didn't want to get you
involved, but we can fix this.

- What are Kitty's demands? What does she want?
- She wants my job.

Suddenly everybody wants my job,
and I should've given it to her.

You mean, you didn't? Michael! She has
the evidence of what we did over there.

No, all she thinks it is
is unpaid taxes.

Yeah. What if she gives it to someone
who's even moderately intelligent?

In fact, Kitty had gone
to someone moderately intelligent...

in her continuing quest for
control of the Bluth Company.

- I can't believe you called me for a date.
- You didn't tell anyone, did you?

Are you kidding?
I don't need to brag...

that some people haven't
even been on a date!

Day not over yet, fatty.

You weren't thinking clearly.
I mean, none of us are.

We need bread.

If this information was so damaging,
why didn't you just shred it?

Well, Saddam
owed us money.

You didn't realize
that he wouldn't pay?

Your mom had a good
feeling about him.

So Mom knew this entire time, and shejust
lied to my face for months and months?

Let me tell you something, Dad. This is...
This is your problem. Okay? Not mine.

Well, maybe it wouldn't be my problem
if you did what I asked for once in your life...

- and you gave Kitty what I asked you to!
- Once in my damn life?

All I've ever done my entire life is do
exactly what you told me to, all right?

I've done everything for this family, Pop.
Not anymore. Kitty can have my job.

And you can take your own
polygraph test, 'cause I'm done.

- I'm done with you,
and I'm done with the business.
- Great.

I'm gonna get a lethal injection
because my son won't eat a potato.

George Sr., in a surprise move...

volunteered to take
the polygraph.

- So did you swipe the sedative
from the infirmary...
- No!

- to lower your heart rate?
- No! It's okay. I want to do this...

because I want people to know
I never willfully deceived anyone.

Mistakes were made,
but I never intended to hurt anyone!

I was trying to support
my family!

- He doesn't appear to be on a sedative.
- But I can see clearly now...

sitting in this chair, strapped to this machine,
I can see that my life has become a failure!

I've let people down,
let myself down.

But I love my country!
I love it here!

You can shop... I love my...
Can't breathe.

- I can't breathe!
- Wait! Wait! Are you guilty? Yes or no?

- I think he's having a heart attack.
- That was not a nod. No.

- That was not a nod.
- Call an ambulance!

- Oh, how is he?
- Stable.

But they don't know
if he's due for another one.

It's his own fault. What kind of diet is this?
It's too much meat.

I want all of you
off this immediately.

Except you.

Tobias!
I can't believe you came!

Oh, come on, Lindsay.
This is my family.

And Lindsay realized that
perhaps they did have something left...

a real connection.

Also, Dale, one of the gentlemen
from my reading...

is a nurse here, so we were able
to park right out front.

Oh! Barry.
Did you talk to a doctor?

I did.
I have poison oak.

Do you believe it?
Where the hell did I get that?

- She was talking about George.
- No, he's the same.

Look, I guess we should decide who's
gonna speak for the family. I would...

but I have Laker tickets.

Buster knew this was his chance...

to put Kitty's coup d'?tat
in action.

He wondered
ifhe was up for it.

Someone might have to sign
the "do not resuscitate" form.

- And he decided he wasn't.
- I need to make a telephone call.
Get out of something.

I'm in charge now.

I speak for this family.

I mean, l-I could,
if you wanted me to.

I'd rather not, obviously.
Don't know what I'd say.

Why do I have to be the one?
I don't need this.

Why does this have to
become my problem? No. I'm out.

Forget it. Find somebody else.
I'm sick of it.

- I'm sick of doing everything for this family.
- Where is Michael?

- Typical.
- Did somebody call him?

In fact, they hadn't.

And at that moment,
he was determined to finally get...

- as far away from his family as possible.
- Hey, pal.

- Pack your bags.
- Where are we goin'?

Anywhere. Joshua Tree, space camp,
the Baseball Hall of Fame...

Everything you and I have always wanted to do
but haven't been able to because of this family.

- We're just gonna go?
- Yeah. And I don't know
if we're even gonna come back.

- There's nothing keeping us here.
- Well, Dad...

- I like it here.
- What the hell's going on with you lately?

I wanted to watch Hindsight,
and you weren't there.

I want to pack up and desert the family,
and you don't want to.

- Is it this new girlfriend?
- No, it...

It's because of the family.
I like the family.

- I mean, if we leave, who's
gonna take care of these people?
- I don't know.

The state or the police. Maybe the
Magicians' Alliance will pick up some slack.

Hey. That's gonna be them, and
they're gonna want something.

We're not answering that.

Hello?

- Where's George Michael?
- Exactly. Where is he?

Ever since he's been dating this
Annie McNo-face, he's been blowing me off.

- Oh, hey. Where's Pop-Pop?
- Room 212.

And that's when Maeby decided...

And that's when Maeby decided...

that perhaps she could use her uncle
to make her cousin jealous.

Hey, Dad.
Wait up.

That was a waste
of time.

How's he doin'?

He's hanging in there.

He keeps trying to get this I. V.
out ofhis arm. I don't understand why.

It's just glucose.

We're all trying
to stay away from sugar.

- He's gonna be okay, right?
- Absolutely. Absolutely. You all right?

I'll handle
this one, Michael.

Don't you worry. It'll take a lot more
than a heart attack to kill that old bear.

Old bear!

He likes the honey!

He never got a chance
to see my bee business take off.

Hey, come on, now. Dad's gonna be
around another 30 years, Gob.

Your business,
uh, might not.

You're a good brother,
Michael.

Heart attack never stop
old Big Bear.

I didn't even know
we were calling him Big Bear.

- We never had a chance to!
- Hey, hey. Come on, Gob.

Everybody, I'm very sorry, okay?
I feel awful. I should have been here.

I was the one that was supposed to take that
polygraph test, and then I just turned on him...

and then this happened,
but never again, okay?

I will never, ever leave this family,
no matter what.

- You should've been here.
- I feel like I covered that.

- Well, you didn't say it.
- I feel awful. I should have been here.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I didn't
say it. I should have been here.

- Excuse me, Mr. Bluth.
- Hmm?

We lost him.

He just, uh, got away from us.
I'm sorry.

Uh, can we go in there?

If you want.
Not a lot to see.

Maybe not for you,
but for us.

And that's when the family
realized that George Sr. wasn't dead...

but was fleeing the country
that he loved so very much.

Pack your bags.

On the next season
of Arrested Development.

The family grapples with the news
they hadjust heard.

Why would a doctor say he's "gone"
when he means he's escaped?

God, I've missed bread.
Mmm.

Wouldn't you say,
"He left out the window'...

or, "The room's empty."

Maeby's life gets
a little more complicated.

It's so obvious. He gave himself the shot
to make it look like a heart attack.

- How could they not see that?
- Maybe we should kiss again...

and teach them a lesson
about obvious.

And Kitty helps George Sr.
escape.