Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 1, Episode 21 - Not Without My Daughter - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael was heading off
to work when his son, George Michael...

- reminded him of a yearly tradition.
- Hey, don't forget me.

- For what?
- It's Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

And unless you had a daughter
I don't know about, I'm your girl.

Michael had first made
this joke when George Michael was six.

Well, she's not my daughter,
but it's about as close as I'm gonna get.

I'm a good little girl.



It was a joke Michael was
starting to grow concerned about...

- as it had not worn well with age.
- Hey, Dad.

They're out of sanitary napkins
in the ladies' washroom.

Weird kid.

I don't think this year's such a good idea.
You know you're getting older and...

Yeah, right. Pretty soon I'm going to have
to start wearing a bra. Right, Dad?

- All right, give me one minute.
- Really, let's not this year.

I cannot kill this joke.

Hey, shouldn't you
be getting dressed?

- Nope. I'm going with my dad to work today.
- Hey, peanut butter cup.

This is work?
Watching entertainment news?

Well, excuse me, Michael, for not raising
the perfect daughter that you did.

I indulged this ritual
for years in Boston.

As a psychotherapist, Tobias was on
the forefront of the self-esteem movement.



There's, like, this longing, this pull.

I mean, does that make me,
you know, like some kind of...

- Homosexual.
- Maeby, please.

She's right though.
You probably are a homosexual.

So, Maeby, this is what you're gonna do
this year? You're gonna watch him watch TV?

Behind the scenes
at Entertainment Tonight.

Oh, bless her. It's like she knew
what I was going to do next.

It's here! Girls with
- Newport Beach.

From the act I did
on the beach over spring break.

- Any magician...
- Gob had done a magic show...

where he had made the Bluth
family yacht... disappear.

It was spring break, and the act
was filmed for the popular video series...

Girls with Low Self-Esteem.

This puts me back on top of
the old magic career though.

You're not gonna put that in.
There's nudity on that.

Maeby, why don't you go
upstairs and get dressed?

I must warn you, Michael.
She doesn't respond well to strict directives.

All right.

- That was odd.
- Not really. Kids love boundaries.

Look at these girls.
Is this what you want?

- Oh, God, no.
- 'Cause this could be where
your daughter is headed.

Oh, no, no. I don't want this
for Maeby either, no.

Oh, here it is. Here it is.

It was a wild time on the beach.

And if you like magic, look away.

The only thing this guy could
make fly away was the crowd.

Douche chill.

I can't believe they used that part.

The one part where I screw up.

It's not like they used the part
where I made the yacht disappear.

Sunk the yacht.
Blew it up, sunk it.

- We sure did.
- We? No.

I gave you permission to use
the yacht. You blew it up.

Yeah, well, if you give someone
permission to use a tissue...

you can't be upset
if they blow their nose.

Right? I mean, right?

Lindsay, new outfit?

No, I've had this for years.
It's a hand-me-down from Mom.

- Got a price tag right there.
- Is there?

Oh, I guess she wanted me to have
something new. Sweet old thing.

Only two of those words describe Mom,
so I know you're lying to me.

Fine. I bought it before we went broke, okay?
I just haven't worn it yet.

- What about the outfit yesterday?
- Old Thing gave it to me.

- Where are you getting all the money?
- It's not costing you anything.

Unless you're stealing or working,
I'm pretty sure it is.

That's right. I stole it.

In fact, Lindsay,
tired of wearing last year's fashions...

went to an upscale department store
and in a moment of desperation...

- applied for a job.
- Can I have a job application please?

But she was ashamed
ofbeing a shopgirl...

and was relieved when Michael
gave her the out.

Well, they expect a certain amount of theft,
Michael. It's built into the price.

If I didn't take it, then people
would be overpaying for nothing.

You're telling me that you
walked into a store...

and without anyone noticing
took an entire outfit?

There's no way that you could
do sleight ofhand that well.

- I don't even think that I could do it.
- Yeah, I've seen your tape.

- Lindsay, this is appalling.
- What'd you use for misdirection?

- Misdirection?
- Yeah, I mean, if you're so good at magic...

what'd you have them looking at
to divert their attention?

I don't know... my ass.

- My ass. You're lying.
- No, I'm not.

- You're gonna take that back.
- No, I'm not.

This has nothing to do with you.
You're not my father.

No, our father is in prison
for stealing, remember?

- Which might not be a bad place
for you to get used to.
- Michael...

it was shoplifting,
and I'm white.

- I think I'm going to be okay.
- Shoplifting?

- Cool. Can you take me?
- No. Hey, not cool. You know what?

Maeby, you're gonna come with me
to work today. You're gonna be my daughter.

You're gonna have a role model
in your life who is honest...

who doesn't steal, doesn't lie and,
I don't know, watch entertainment news.

Michael, don't worry about it, okay?
She's not gonna go with you.

- Okay.
- Great.

That was odd.

I'm going to teach you two a little something
about hands-on parenting.

Hey, Dad!

Do you think this purse
goes with this outfit?

- Where'd my dad go?
- Douche chill.

And so Michael took his niece
to Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

You can just drop me off
at the mall.

Oh, no, you're-you're
really coming with me.

You're gonna learn a little
something about hard work.

Hey, Maeby! Maeby!

Okay, so you can run faster than me.
But you can't make me work.

No one's making you
do anything, you know.

It's just a chance for us to spend
some time together. Learn about business.

You know, you might find that you're
good at things you didn't even know about.

See that? Who knew you were
such a good little climber?

Now listen,
let's make this fun, okay?

We're family.

What is better than hanging out
with family? Hmm?

Oh...
It's my mother.

- Hi.
- She called you, huh?

I guess I'm not good enough
to be her husband.

What? What's going on?

Okay. Mother wants someone
to go to my soccer game with.

She don't want other soccer moms
think that she a single mother.

- She old school.
- I liked it better when he just said annyong.

- She old school.
- I liked it better when he just said annyong.

Hey, Mom, why can't Buster
pretend to be your escort?

- That's the way he's got it in all his cartoons.
- They already know he's my son.

I wouldn't go even if you asked.
You didn't let me play soccer as a child.

Why should I have to sit and cheer Annyong?
Annyong never cheers me.

Go, fatty.

Stop it! He's your little brother!

No, he's not!
I came out of you! He didn't!

Can you not call me with
these little things, please?

The office is a mess.
I still haven't replaced Kitty.

Michael had recently fired
his father's longtime assistant, Kitty.

Did you hear that everyone?
Michael Bluth is threatening me!

- Shh, shh, shh.
- It had not been a clean break.

So, I've got a lot of work to do.
Plus, it's Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

- Oh, where is George Michael?
- I told him not to come.

l-I thought it was more
important to bring Maeby this...

Damn it! Can't you just find somebody else,
please, to look like your husband?

In fact, there was someone else
who looked like Lucille's husband...

- his twin brother, Oscar.
- Lucille.

- And although she knew it was
wrong to play with his heart...
- Oscar, it's Lucille.

she really didn't want to go
to the soccer game alone.

I need you.

And back at the model home...

three of the Bluth men
struggled with their manliness.

You know, I make jokes about
being a daughter for my dad.

I know I'm a man.
It's his insecurity, not mine.

There's no security at that store.
That's how she was able to shoplift.

They probably don't have
a regular security guard.

Well, of course I could get a job
as a security guard.

I mean, if I have to have a job
to impress my daughter.

If she needs something that butch.

Yeah. I can hang out with my uncles.
Three men. What's butcher than that?

- I'm going to the mall.
- Me too.

Yeah, maybe a new pair
of shoes will cheer me up.

And now I'm filling out
an expense report...

so I can sleep well at night
knowing that I have been honest.

You're not asleep.

- I was.
- You were not.

I would like to see if you could
go one day without telling a lie.

just one whole day
without being like your mom.

- What's in it for me if I do?
- You'll win my respect.

- Good night.
- And 50 bucks.

Fine. I'll do it if you do it.

- That-a-girl. This is gonna be fun.
- I win.

- We're looking for Michael Bluth?
- That's me.

- I'm Michael Bluth.
- I'm Officer Taylor. That is Officer Carter.

Our daughters, Tammy and Moni...
Oh, God, where... where did they go?

- I'm on it.
- How can I help you?

Well, we're here investigating
the disappearance of Kitty Sanchez.

Apparently, you're the last person
to see her... alive.

Or around town or whatever.

I don't know anything about that.
I do know that, uh...

she was my secretary,
uh, but she left.

Or l-I fired her.

Did you ever threaten her?

No, no. God, no.
Of course not.

Michael Bluth is threatening me!

I did. I threatened her
at a restaurant.

- But, you know... it's a restaurant, so...
- Yep.

Certainly she's been seen since then?

Not alive.

Or dead or whatever.

We'd love to speak with you
down at the station.

Sure. Uh, you know,
l-l-I'm happy to cooperate.

But I really don't know
anything more than you know.

I certainly didn't... didn't kill her
and drop her in a back bay.

- Boy, I hope that's not what happened to her.
- I'm sure it isn't.

Please send Officer Davis
and Little Hanna to the back bay.

So you killed Kitty, huh?

No, I didn't kill Kitty.

But I will go down to the station
and answer those nice men's questions.

You know why? Because I have no secrets
to hide. Because I'm an honest man.

And apparently a fun one.

Let's go see what's
going on in the back room.

Were those the last words
Kitty ever heard?

No. I will not kiss her.

Hey, hey, guys, what are you doing?
It's Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

- Yeah, that's my Caitlin.
- Okay.

There is work to be done.
Can we get back to it? Thank you.

Oh, and has anybody,
uh, seen or heard from Kitty lately?

I think that's her
right behind you there.

- Oh, my God. That is Kitty.
- And that's the boat that Uncle Gob blew up.

Hey, now you have something
to tell them at the station.

Tobias sought out a security
position at the nearby mall.

I do know stage combat if the partner
is willing and a bit more petite than I.

But I have a daughter to impress
and I need this job.

Well, it's gonna be a couple of days
before we can get you a gun license...

so you'll have to use mine.

Wow!

Meanwhile, Gob had taken
George Michael on a mysterious errand.

What are we getting?
Is it something for a magic trick?

- In a way.
- That's cool.

You know, it's so great
to be hanging out with you.

There are certain things that I can talk to
you about that I can't really with my dad.

Like, uh, were-were you ever
awkward around girls?

What do you mean? Like if there were
three of us and I didn't know where to start?

No, I think I did pretty well.

Not a lot of complaints,
if you know what I mean.

At least not from the girl.

- You're saying I should just be myself?
- And he had to drive her home.

So I think I did pretty good.
Pretty damn good.

- Hey, guy.
- Yes, sir?

How many mice will $13 buy?

And at the prison,
George Sr. had a surprise visit.

I just wanted to check in
and make sure you're aware...

that your ban on organized sports
in this family has been violated.

Ban on organized sports?

You know, how you wouldn't let me
sign up for anything when I was a kid.

Is that what you've been
thinking all these years? No, no.

You were... You were
just a turd out there, you know?

You couldn't kick and you couldn't run.
You know, you were just a-a turd.

Prison has destroyed
the way you talk.

If that's what it takes to impress these guys
around here, then they are not your friends.

Anyway, Annyong's playing soccer,
but I guess I should just ignore it.

Look the other way as Mom and Uncle Oscar
and Annyong have the perfect little family...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait,
wait, wait. Oscar? My brother Oscar?

- Oscar's been coming around?
- No touching!

No touching. No touching.

You listen to me. You've got to
take care of this Oscar situation.

You get him out of there, all right?

You make him wish that he'd never
shown that ludicrous head of hair...

and that nice face of his.

- I will do it, Dad.
- Good. Put her there.

- No touching!
- Oh!

- No touching!
- Oh!

Her self-esteem is through the roof.

And Michael arrived
at the police station with Maeby.

I got here as quickly as I could.

- I didn't know you had a daughter?
- I don't.

I thought you wanted me
to call you Daddy?

Why don't you wait
for Daddy in the car?

- All right. What do we have here?
- Gob sunk the yacht.

The last time Kitty was seen,
she was getting onto it. It's on tape.

- Ooh! Did you see this?
- Yep.

Ooh! Chills.
Why do I keep getting these bruises?

- Barry!
- Okay. Until we get all the facts...

don't say anything
that can incriminate you.

Or me. Just try to
keep me out of this.

- Lie. Both of you.
- No, what are you talk...
We don't lie in this family.

- Maeby, why don't you get a soda?
- Okay.

If I lie in front of her, it costs me 50 bucks.
I do think that we should lie.

Meanwhile,
Lindsay was at work...

and starting to getjealous that
her daughter was at work with Michael.

Hello, Michael. I know you think
I'm such a horrible mother...

but I was just seeing how
my daughter was doing at work.

Uh, she's, um, she's making
lots of friends already.

- Can you help me there, please?
- It was at this moment...

that Gob and George Michael
arrived at the store.

Say what you will about America...
13 bucks stills gets you a hell of a lot of mice.

Who said anything bad
about America?

No. Well, I meant...
So what are the mice for?

Oh. No, that's just for misdirection.

We'll see who the sleight-of-hand artist
is in this family.

Okay, now when I yell "Mice!"
I want you to open this box...

- and I'm gonna start stuffing
some shirts down your pants.
- Shirts?

- Gob, are we shoplifting?
- Mice!

Mice! Call security!

- Michael, I'm not as bad
an influence as you think I am.
- Well, you're not a great one.

You're a criminal, Lindsay.
What kind of message does that send?

Bluth. We're ready to question you now.

That's what I am, Michael.
I'm a shoplifter!

I've got a whole bag
of clothes I shoplifted.

But Tobias was now a guard.

And a surprisingly catlike one.

- Wow. I guess we didn't need the mice.
- Freeze...

While the rest of the Bluths
were in police custody...

Lucille was with
her brother-in-law.

I am blown away that you... that you
called me and that we're-we're together.

And my camper made it
all the way up here.

Do you think it's safe over there?
Because I only have a hanger for a lock.

What are they gonna take,
the one can of Comet you've got in there?

Oh, your tongue is as sharp
as your body is still taut.

What are you doing?

Oscar, this is a children's
soccer game, not Woodstock.

That was another era, huh?
The music and the pot.

Will you excuse me?
I need to go to my camper for just a quick sec.

Open.

- Hey, Uncle.
- Hey, Buster.

No, no, no.

- No, no, no.
- No, no, no.

No! No! No! I came here
to say something.

You do not belong here.
My mother's been spoken for.

You know, I may never have
played organized sports, but I am a man.

- Buster.
- And I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

Okay. But, uh, I never meant
to break up your family.

Your mom called me for a reason.
And I don't think she's happy.

No, she's happy.
She's just mean all the time.

Uh, no, no, no, Uncle, let me get you.
I'm a man. Move.

Michael submitted
to the detective's questions.

You haven't seen any evidence of Ms. Sanchez
or where she might have gone?

I have, uh, no idea. None.

Are you willing to take
a polygraph to that effect?

- Are you nuts?
- Not without a better lawyer.

You're holding out on us!

Fantastic. Now Emma's awake.

- You know what? Let me take care of this.
- Please.

Kitty had evidence against your father,
and you didn't want that to come out.

But now you've got bigger problems,
my friend. So why don't we make a deal?

I give you evidence against my father,
and you pretend that I didn't kill Kitty?

I mean, l-I didn't kill Kitty.

Hello. Oh, hey,
George Michael.

Uh, I'm sorry.
In your pants?

I'll be right there.
Um, my son has an emergency.

You know, there's a Grover book...
I Can't Hold It In.

Worked for us.

Buster emerged from Oscar's
trailer with a newfound sense of manliness...

and then received
a serendipitous gift.

Kick it back!

- If you can kick, fatty.
- I'm a man.

What are you doing?
Get off the field!

Are you crazy?

And Buster realized
he may havejust scared away a man...

who supported him in the way
he'd always hoped his own father would.

And Michael headed
over to the mall.

- So what the hell is this?
- Hey, Dad, I didn't know
we were shoplifting, okay?

Shoplifting?
What's the matter with you, Gob?

What's the matter with me?
She's the shoplifter!

- I wasn't shoplifting, you twit.
- Yes, thanks to me.

No. I work here.

At least I used to. They fired me because
they thought I was helping this idiot shoplift.

Also, they said I wasn't
a very good salesgirl.

You can't be serious?

A salesgirl.

I knew it! I knew you
couldn't pull it off.

There's only one magician
in this family and that is me.

And you got caught by a 13-year-old girl.

You know, this is why I'm constantly
asking you to stay away from my son.

Yeah, well, it's not like you were there
to spend any time with me, Dad.

Because I'm not daughter
enough for you.

George Michael, um,
I'm always there for you, okay?

It's just you're getting a little too manly
for Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

- Dad, that's what makes it funny.
- I also wanted to give Maeby
a good role model for a change.

Yeah, well, I guess, you looking out for
her is probably something she could use.

Where is Maeby?

Michael realized he had
to get to the police station...

before they got ahold of Maeby, to whom
he'd promised $50 to tell the truth.

I've put a bounty on my own head.

But Maeby's instincts to lie returned.

Hey, you can't go in there.

No, it's okay.
I'm Detective Fellows's daughter.

Oh. Oh, sorry. It's four-three-five.
And that opens any door in the building.

Great. Thanks.

And it was there that Maeby
discovered the key to Michael's freedom.

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

Maeby. What-What-What'd she say?

I said there's a tape of Kitty getting
on the boat and that you guys blew it up.

I told them the truth,
like you told me.

That-a-girl.

That's right. That's, uh, that's the truth.
That's everything that we know.

You're free to go.

Great. Here we go.

- What the hell just happened?
- Relax. They got nothing on you.

They're bluffing. Kitty's alive.
I just saw her in the back room.

They just wanted to get you scared,
so you'd testify against Pop-Pop.

Unbelievable. Oh, that's great.

You just told them the truth;
they let us walk.

- I guess I owe you 50 bucks, huh?
- Yeah. I'd save your money.

Kitty's got a lot of evidence,
and she thinks that you tried to kill her.

So you're probably going to
need a better attorney.

Lo siento.

I hate Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

On the next
Arrested Development.

Tobias loses his securityjob
trying to solve the store's mice problem.

Lindsay, now without a job,
goes with her initial instinct.

Mom, we're gonna
be late for practice!

- And Annyong exacts his revenge.
- Where is everybody?

Heads up, fatty!