Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

[Man Narrating]
This is Michael Bluth.

For 10 years, he's worked
for his father's company...

waiting to be made a partner.

And right now, he's happy.

- This is Michael's mother.
- Look what they've done, Michael.

She isn't happy.

Look what the homosexuals
have done to me.

You can't just comb that out
and reset it?

Currently, she's upset that her
husband's retirement party...

is being upstaged by a group
of gay protesters.

We're here! We're queer!
We want to get married on the ocean!



Everything they do
is so dramatic and flamboyant.

It just makes me
want to set myself on fire.

{ Sighs]
Good grief, Mother.

Not all homosexuals
are flamboy...

Oh, my God! I have
the exact same blouse.

This is Michael's twin sister, Lindsay.

I like it better on him.

As a youthful act of defiance,
Lindsay married...

this man.

They moved to Boston,
where they've become celebrated...

for their wine and cheese
fund-raisers.

Oh, no.
I'm completely stuffed.

Michael and his sister
haven't spoken in a year.

Neither has acknowledged this.



And this is Gob,
Michael's oldest brother.

[Michael]
So, this is the magic trick, huh?

Illusion, Michael. A trick is something
a whore does for money.

Or candy.

[Narrator] Gob recently started
the Alliance of Magicians...

an organization that blackballs
any performer...

who reveals a magician's secret.

And finally there's Buster...

- Hey, Buster.
- the youngest of Michael's siblings.

You know, you don't need
to do that, buddy. It's okay.

Thanks to the family's largesse,
Buster has studied everything...

from Native American
tribal ceremonies...

to cartography, the mapping
of uncharted territories.

Hasn't everything already
sort of been discovered, though...

by, like, Magellan and Cort?s?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- All those folks.

Those guys did a pretty good job...

but there's still, you know...

[Narrator] He also suffers
from crippling panic attacks.

Yes, this is his family.

So why is Michael so happy?

Because he's decided to never
speak to these people again.

Michael was feeling more
generous about his family...

on the morning of the boat party.

What comes before anything? What have we
always said is the most important thing?

- Breakfast.
- Family.

Family. Right. I thought
you meant of the things you eat.

[Narrator]
This is Michael's son, George Michael.

I mean, we have made nothing
but sacrifices for this family...

and tonight
it all pays off, my boy.

Tonight your granddad
makes me partner.

[Narrator] To prove his dedication
to the family business...

Michael has decided to live here...
in the model unit...

ofhis father's latest housing tract.

The guys live in the attic
so that the house...

can still function
as a pristine selling tool.

And when I do get that promotion...

I'll finally be able
to get you what you deserve.

Like a real home.

This is a real home.

No, it's not.
It's a fake home, son.

You want the loops
or the flakes today?

[Narrator] The guys then
headed down to Balboa Island...

so George Michael could work
at the frozen banana stand...

his grandfather started in 1953.

Bananas.

Michael, meanwhile,
was meeting his brother Gob...

hoping to discuss
his father's boat party.

Do you have your check
for your share of the party?

You know, I sort of thought
my contribution...

could be a magic show.

- Oh, that's perfect, Gob.
- Thank you.

I just remembered something.
Dad's retiring, not turning six.

Hey, come on! I just bought this new
illusion called the Aztec Tomb.

- It cost like 18 grand! I'm gonna do it on the boat.
- I don't care.

What do you care? Can't you just charge
the party to the company?

- It's not a business expense.
- So what? Lindsay's been staying
at the Four Seasons for a month.

She's probably charging the company.

Lindsay's been in town for a month?

I don't think so.

[Narrator]
Michael was upset to hear this...

so he went to discuss it with his mother.

Mom! Mother! Give me your
company checkbook. You're cut off.

Michael, look.
Look what happened to my fox.

Someone cut off his little foot.

Is it... Is it noticeable?

You've gotta remember...
you're gonna be all splattered in red paint.

That's gonna distract the eye.

I don't want you charging any more
of your personal expenses to the company.

Well, I had to pay for the Aztec Tomb.
Gob says it's a career maker.

Wait a minute. The company
paid for the Aztec Tomb? That's great.

Well, I was talking about Lindsay, okay?

You put her in a five-star hotel, on top
of which you didn't tell me she was in town.

If you're saying I play favorites, you're
wrong. I love all my children equally.

I don't care for Gob.

Good grief. I dipped into
the kitty a couple of times.

You should be focused on tonight.

Dad's making a big announcement.

Yeah? I knew it.
It's about me, isn't it?

I wonder how I can talk you
out of ever making that face again.

Michael.!

Tobias.

How are you?
{ Laughing]

Good, good.
How's your job search comin'?

- It's good. It's going to be good.
- Yeah? Great.

I'm hoping the universe
provides a path for me.

[Narrator]
Tobias recently lost his medical license...

for administering C.P.R.
to a person who, as it turned out...

was not having a heart attack.

Maybe you'll be inspired by the boat party
tonight, start a career as a pirate.

I haven't packed for that.

- Couldn't find a thing.
- Lindsay.!

- Michael!
- How was your flight?

- Great. Great. We just got in.
- He knows.

A month ago. Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been meaning to call you.

- I really have.
- Really?

- It's just been very busy.
- Ugh! It's been crazy.

We just had an amazing
fund-raiser for HOOP.

- HOOP?
- My anti-circumcision movement.

I think it looks frightening
when it's cut off.

It's a Doberman.
Let it have its ears.

- Hmm.
- Believe it or not...

we brought in over $40,000.

Unbelievable. Sounds like you saved
enough skin to make 10 new boys.

Well, most of that money
was from the Bluth Company.

- [Lindsay Clears Throat]
- I mean, how...

are you?

Still good. You know what?

You guys have had your hands
in the company coffer for years.

But starting tomorrow, there is
going to be a new boss in town...

and you're all gonna have to
start fending for yourselves.

You're all gonna finally feel
that sweet sting of sweat in your eyes.

- [Pounding Drums]
- As... Buster!

You can't do that
on the balcony, buddy?

Mom says it's too windy.

Who could've done this?

[Narrator] While Michael
was getting fed up with his family...

George Michael was finally
getting to know them.

Um, yeah. I bought
a frozen banana...

and when I bit into it,
I found this.

- Looks like a foot.
- It tasted like a foot.

Which I didn't really mind,
but I'm pretty sure I said no nuts.

Hey, you're my cousin,
aren't you?

Maybe.

[Narrator]
This is George Michael's cousin, Maeby.

- I can't believe you didn't recognize me.
- We never see you.

We never see anybody in our family.

I know. It's our parents' faults.
We should teach them a lesson.

{ Laughing]
Yeah. No. I don't think so.

I should go
to my mom tonight...

and be like,
"I met the cutest guy."

- And then she'll see you
and me totally making out.
- { Nervous Laughter]

But... But not really, right?

It's perfect.
She'd freak out...

and I'd be like, "If we saw
each other more often, this wouldn't happen."

- But we're cousins.
- That's what makes it funny.

- But isn't it against the law?
- Come on, George Michael.

[Narrator] Tobias, now believing
the boat party to be pirate-themed...

- You look like a pirate.!
- began searching through his
wife's luggage for an outfit.

I should say so.!
Look at the blouse, sir.!

Then, mistaking a group
of garishly dressed men for pirates...

Tobias boarded a van
full ofhomosexuals.

Soon he was unwittingly part
of a protest against the local yacht club.

How are you?

Oh, my God! I have
the exact same blouse.

I like it better on him.

[Narrator]
And Michael's big moment finally came.

I give you the new C.E.O.
for the Bluth Company.

Certainly the smartest Bluth.

My favorite Bluth.

And the, uh, sexiest creature
I have ever laid eyes on.

- My lovely wife, Lucille.
- { Squeals]

[Applause, Cheering]

- Mom!
- { Squeals]

- ?? [Woman Singing Pop]
- Mom, congratulations.!

Sorry. It's not the right time.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Michael.
This is great news for HOOP.

?? [Soul]

Hey.

- You okay?
- You and I, we've waited long enough.

It's time to move on.
All right?

I guess we're gonna see
you guys even less now.

I told you. We should've
taught them a lesson.

[George] Lindsay, I want you
in this picture. Come on.

All right. Let's see
some smiles, people.

It's a... It's a party,
not a shareholders' meeting.

- { Sirens Wailing]
- Are those police boats?

No, I'm serious.
I think they are police boats.

{ Man On Loudspeaker] Prepare to be
boarded. Prepare to be boarded.

- I knew it was against the law.
- That's the Securities
and Exchange Commission.

- They have boats?
- Give me a cell phone.

Lindsay, Buster, up to the bridge!
Come on, Buster!

- Almighty good grief.
- Delores, listen to me.

- Out of my way!
- Empty the account.

- Out of my way!
- Why are you crying? Why are you crying?

Out of my way.!
Out.! Out.! Out.!

Lindsay, take the wheel!
Buster, find us a channel to the ocean!

Gee, I don't have any
mapping equipment with me.

You've had $80,000 worth of cartography
lessons. Get us a channel to the ocean!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

- Can you hear me now?
- Obviously this blue part here is the land.

That would mean...
{ Shuddering]

Oh, Buster, Buster.
You'll be all right.

Shredder. No. Save it.
Save it. Shredder.

Please don't leave us now,
Buster! Please!

- Get in the tomb. The Aztec Tomb.
- Save it. Shred it.

Hold on. I don't have time
for your magic tricks.

Illusions, Dad! You don't
have time for my illusions!

What is wrong with you?
Why are you so angry?

Look. Just stay in the box.
I'll make you disappear.

[Narrator] The Bluth family
dominated the news that night.

Bluth Development Company
president George Bluth...

was arrested tonight
for defrauding investors...

and using the company
as his personal piggy bank.

More intrigue
on the high seas tonight...

as dozens of local pirates
were arrested...

for protesting the yacht club's
discriminatory policies.

[Narrator]
Even Michael's brother Gob made the news.

{ Mispronounces Gob] It was Mr. Bluth's son
Gob, a part-time magician...

who hid his father here
in the Aztec Tomb.

By pushing on this pivoting panel...

I have to think the Alliance
is gonna frown on this.

Perhaps a good trick for a human...

but the dogs found him
almost instantly.

[Man]
Free at last, darlings.

- I'm all right.
- Thank God.

Oh, what an adventure.
Oh, my goodness!

Buster! Don't do that.

What an adventure, gang.

I thought that
the homosexuals were pirates...

but it turns out that most of them
were actors in the local theater.

{ Chuckles]

You're right though.
It is amazing.

I've been waiting for the universe
to provide a path for me, and...

and I think it has.

- You're gay?
- No. No.

I'm not... I'm not gay. No. Lindsay,
how many times must we have this...

No. I want to be an actor.

{ Chuckles]

Okay, guys. Um, they are gonna
keep Dad in prison...

at least until this gets all sorted out.

Also, the attorney said they're gonna have to
put a halt on the company's expense account.

{ All Gasping]

Interesting. I would have expected that
after the "keeping Dad in jail."

You know, Michael,
Dad did name Mom as his successor.

- And I'm putting Buster in charge.
- { Gob] That's a good choice.

Buster? The guy who thought that
the blue on the map was land?

- He's had business classes.
- Wa-Wa-Wa-Wait.

Eighteenth-century agrarian business.

But I guess it's all the same principles.

Are you at all concerned
about an uprising?

That's it. I'm done. I'm sick and tired of
the greed and the selfishness and the taking.

Forget it.
I've got a son to think about.

And, Lindsay, by the way,
I expected this from them...

because they're completely oblivious.

But you...
you should know better.

[Narrator] In the days that followed,
Lindsay had no choice...

but to check her family
out of the hotel earlier than planned.

And her husband
started looking for work.

My name is Dr. Tobias F?nke.

I was Chief Resident of Psychiatry
at Mass General for two years...

and I did my fellowship
in psycholinguistics at M.I.T.

And this is "I'm a Bad, Bad Man"
from Annie Get Your Gun.

?? { Piano]

?? [Searching For Note]

[Narrator] Lucille was finding it
difficult to go about her daily life.

The S.E.C. is making him out to be some kind
of mastermind, which... believe me... he's not.

The man can barely work our shredder.

Michael was able to secure a job with a rival
housing company almost immediately.

We'll set you up in Arizona
in one of our finest estates.

Attic or main house?

{ Laughing]

[Narrator] And Buster was discovering
his academic pursuits...

didn't fully prepare him
for his new responsibilities.

Have you looked at the latest figures
on the Sudden Valley expansion...

vis-?-vis the development
versus the tax...

- You guys are so smart.
- Two percent per annum.
This is a non-recoupable...

We need Michael.

- We need ice.
- { Muffled] Michael. We need Michael.

[Narrator] And so the family
staged an intervention.

I'm sorry. What exactly
is this intervention for?

We need you to come back
and run the business.

Okay. So technically it's not really
an intervention. It's more of an imposition.

- Whatever you want to call it.
- I'd love to call it an imposition.

We're in trouble here, Michael.
And I can't perform my magic.

I'm getting blackballed
from even the smaller venues.

I'll be honest. I'm just more comfortable
with an Alliance-approved magician.

{ Scoffs]

Give 'em a hell of a show, champ.

{ Beeps] off, traitor.

Can you believe this?
They're still fighting.

Yeah, I know. I'm tempted to kiss again
so we could teach 'em a lesson.

Why would that teach them a lesson?

No, I mean, uh, to freak them out.

- That doesn't make any sense.
- Isn't that what makes it funny?

I'm laughing.
Go fish... Uno... Okay.

- I just need a drink.
- Well, I'm sorry. It's just too late.

I'm moving to Phoenix.
I got a job.

Something you apply for,
and then they pay you to, uh...

Never mind. I don't want to ruin
the surprise. So, no hard feelings.

Adios. Sayonara. I'll see you
when the first parent dies.

Well, I'd rather be dead in California
than alive in Arizona.

- { Laughing] Touch?.
- George Michael, grab the coat.

I think Dad would really
want you to help us out here.

- Dad's in jail. Here we go.
- Well, the least you could do
is say good-bye to him.

[Narrator] In fact, Michael had not
spoken to his father since the arrest...

and he decided to give his father
the courtesy of a formal resignation.

- I quit.
- Probably a good career move.

You know, I parked in the same spot
for the last five years.

I was there on time every single day.

- Mike...
- I was so loyal. I worked so hard.

- Why didn't you just put me in charge?
- Michael, listen to me.

These guys, the S.E.C.,
they've been after me for years.

I put you in charge, you're gonna
be wearing one of these jumpsuits too.

- I could've helped...
- You'd be an accomplice.

No. It had to be your mom.

They cannot arrest
a husband and wife...

for the same crime.

Yeah, I don't think
that that's true, Dad.

Really?

I got the worst...
{ Beeps] attorneys.

[Narrator]
With Michael leaving town...

Lindsay decided to take inventory
of the family's last remaining asset:

their model home.

- What are you doing?
- Packing up. What are you doing?

Well, just looking for... you.

- To say good-bye to you.
- Gonna miss you guys.

Oh, well. We'll come out
and see you in...

Yeah. We'll miss you too.

It's been nice having you guys around...
you know, to talk to.

Well, since Mom died,
it's been kind of lonely and...

I just wish
we could all stay here.

- l... I need a hand with the van, please.
- Okay.

Sorry.

Well, l-I guess he
really misses his family.

- Well, he doesn't know us very well.
- Yeah, clearly.

Let me ask you a question. Where the hell
have you been? Why didn't you call me?

Look at my life, Michael.

Tobias is out of work.
We're in debt. It's...

What are you doing?
Are you trying to cry?

I'm sad. Life is hard right now.
I've got theJ.D.L. on my ass.

- J.D.L.?
- Jewish Defense League.

Oh, the circumcision thing?
This is why I was against HOOP.

- Why didn't you just mind your own business?
- This is why I didn't call you!

- You're so judgmental.
- No, I'm not judgmental.

- And you're disappointed in me.
- I'm not disappointed in you.

- You are.
- So I'm disappointed in you.

But come on. What is not
disappointing about my life?

Dad didn't give me the promotion.
Dad's in jail. How disappointing is that?

- We're a disappointing family.
- We're an incredibly disappointing family.

But we are a family,
and I want my son to be happy.

So maybe we should be
in each other's lives.

- I'd like that.
- Yeah?

- Seriously, you're gonna pull a muscle.
- I used to be able to do this.

[Narrator]
So Michael decided to stay in California...

and try to save the family business.

And for the first time ever, he gathered
his family together in the model home.

- Dad was always banker,
so there was no beating him.
- Totally.

He should've been stocking up
on those "get out of jail free" cards.

- Good one, George Michael!
- Very good.

- Two hundred for Short Line.
- I wish you guys didn't have to go so soon.

Oh, on that subject, these guys
are actually gonna be staying with us.

For a while. Just your aunt
and her husband. Not Gob.

- Really?
- Yeah. What the hell, huh? Family first.

It is gonna be a little crowded, so you're
gonna have to share a room with your cousin.

?? [Funk]

[Narrator]
On the next Arrested Development...

- George Michael gets a new roommate.
- [Shower Running]

?? [Maeby Singing Pop]

It was really your brother
we were interested in.

I mean, you don't even
have any references.

Is that enough
of a reference for you?

[Narrator] And Michael finds it
difficult to get his father out of jail.

You love it here?

Oh, I'm having the time of my life!

Hey, T-Bone.