Are You There, Chelsea? (2012): Season 1, Episode 9 - Fired - full transcript

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

Who wants to play
crotch hockey?

I'm goal. And no jokes about
how everyone scores on me.

Now, if you can make
the puck...

Or in this case,
a dinner roll...

In between her legs,
you get a free shot.

Otherwise, you have
to buy a shot.

Now, trust me.
It's not that big of a deal.

Everything gets in there.

Says the only guy
who hasn't.

All right.
Let me see this.



Let me show you
how this is done, ok?

Now, listen.
If I don't make it,

upside down shots for everyone,
$10 a piece.

[All cheer]
But... but... but...

If I do make it,
then Chelsea over there

literally has
to kiss my ass.

All: Ohh!

[Cheering]

Pucker up!

All: Pucker up!
Pucker up!

Oh, what the hell.
Dollar shots for everyone.

[Cheering]

Ooh, ooh.
Dollar shot, grumpy?

I'm the owner,
Jerry.



Jerry's ultimate
sports bar?

I'm just trying to get
a handle on how stupid you are.

Oh, you're
a real person.

I thought you were made up,
like burger king.

You look like they were trying
to build a tall, pretty girl

and ran
out of money.

Ok. Who wants to see me
kiss Rick's ass?

[Cheering]

Ahh. It's like grace Kelly
is alive.

Jerry,
I can explain.

Actually, I can't.
I got nothing.

Rick, Chelsea,
my office. Now.

You guys having
a good time out there?

Jerry, look. We were just
trying to drum up business

with dollar shots,
you know?

Want to know if
I'm having a good time?

I was just
about to ask.

Well, my wife's
having a baby.

Ohh!
Oh. Congratulations.

With her Romanian
pilates instructor.

I'm so sorry.

But that is going to
be one flexible kid.

Really? Chelsea,
that's what you want to say to me?

I'm sorry, Jerry.
I'm a little drunk.

Look, my home life is out
of control, all right?

I can't have my bar
be out of control.

When I'm not here,
I need someone I can trust.

I've been leaving
you in charge.

Oh, I can't be in charge
'cause I'm a woman?

A drunk woman.

I'm sorry. Go on.

I mean, Rick, really?
Ass hockey?

It's crotch hockey.

Ass hockey's
a fall sport.

Ok. Look,
the mets game was over,

there was, like,
3 tables that were leaving,

so I started playing
that game

to actually keep the people here,
and it worked.

Rick brings in so much business,
you don't even know.

And I have
no authority.

Jerry, I've been asking
you to make me manager

for, like, two years,
all right?

If you want me in charge,
make me manager.

[Sighs] Chelsea,
will you excuse us?

[Sighs] Sure.

If I was a man,
I could stay, right?

No, if you were a man, you would
have been fired two years ago.

All right. I'm going
to check on my tables.

[Laughs]
If I can find them.

Look, Rick.
You're a nice guy.

Thanks.
No. No.

By that, I mean
you're soft, ok?

You're going to be
the manager of this bar,

you can't
be worried about

what people think or don't
think about you, all right?

You got to do
your job.

Me?

I'm a quiet man.

I like to walk around with
a smile on my face, all right?

But there's not
a vendor in this city

that doesn't believe that I'd kill
him with my bare hands

if he shorted me
on an order.

Look, Jerry,
I can do this.

Oh, you think so?

What about your friend
mustang Chelsea?

You think you can keep
her under control?

This has nothing to do
with friendship.

I want to manage
this bar.

Ok. You know what?
You got the job.

The crotch hockey players
just bought two bottles

of stupidly
expensive Tequila.

Who's the drunk girl now?
[Chuckles]

Still you, Chelsea.

Yeah.

Ooh. Who wants to do
a cleanse with me?

Oh, I'll shower
with you.

I know how to find all the creases.

No.

My yoga instructor's
cousin,

who's a receptionist
for an online therapist,

told me that the reason
I haven't met my soul mate is

'cause he can't find me 'cause
I'm in a cloud of negativity.

So, I need to do a cleanse
to get rid of my negativity.

Well, I would,
but my karate teacher's sister,

who lives in reality,
says you're insane.

So, what kind of
cleanse are you doing?

Well, my aromatherapist
told me about one

that Gwyneth Paltrow does.

Oh, I love Gwyneth.
She is such an inspiration.

I mean, how could somebody
that flat bag and tag a rock star?

I'll do the cleanse
with you.

Dee Dee,
you're not negative.

Are you kidding me?

This morning,
in the park,

a homeless woman
came up behind me

and hit me between
the shoulder blades with a clog.

I got really snippy
with her.

Ok, Dee Dee,
this is going to be fun.

We'll be
cleanse friends.

Ooh! Flush buddies!

Dee Dee,
do not lose any weight.

You're already the only one in
this bar who weighs less than I do.

All right.
So when do we start?

Tomorrow.
It's for 7 days.

And all we can have is
distilled water, garlic cloves,

oh, and really, really,
really small rocks.

Mm. Rocks. All right.

Well, I'm going to go home and say
good-bye to my tooth enamel.

Oh, check it out, everybody.
It's the new manager.

[Murmuring]
[Applause]

Thank you, guys.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Ok. Everybody,
gather around.

Let's just start with
a quick staff meeting

before we get started today.

Ooh, a staff meeting.

Let me get
my hat and cane.

All right, all right.
Look, we just have

to set down just
a few simple ground rules

so we can get off on
the right foot, all right?

So starting now,
no one comes in late.

Sorry I'm late.

Ok. Starting now.

I had sex 3 times last
night in a Ford focus,

and my back is
killing me.

Hatchback?
No.

Missionary.
All right.

No, no, no. This is good.

While we're on
that subject, guys,

no one has sex
in the bathroom anymore.

He's right. Nobody does have
sex in the bathroom anymore.

Yeah. Don't worry, Rick.
We're on it.

No, no, no. Guys, come on.
I'm serious, ok?

I don't want anyone smoking
pot in there, either.

Well, where are
we supposed to smoke pot?

I'm not going in the alley.
I am a lady.

Todd. [Scoffs]

What's with
the steaks, man?

They expire today.
I'm taking them home.

In fact,
I got to go now.

Right now?

If I don't get these
in my stomach

in the next 20 minutes,

I'm playing
E. Coli roulette.

You can't leave work early
to cook stolen food, ok?

- Dude.
- Mmm.

Dude.

Dude!

[Sighs]

All right. Just this once, though.

Dude!

But starting now,
seriously,

nobody takes home food,
nobody comes in late,

and nobody has sex
or smokes pot in the bathroom.

[All groan]
All right.

But if everyone
cooperates,

you can have half price drinks on
sunday nights after your shift.

[All cheer]

Free drinks on
sunday nights!

No, no.
I did not say that.

All right.
The first one's free.

But seriously, after that,
half price drinks.

Whoo!

[Sighs]

Whoa. You are, like, a dream
manager, Rick. Everyone loves you.

Yeah, that's 'cause I'm
not standing my ground.

Ah, don't worry about it.
You're a sweetheart.

Hey, if you need
me or Olivia,

we'll be in the alley
smoking a bowl.

Oh, wow.
That grilled cheese looks so good.

But I've got my garlic
pebble water, so...

Dee Dee,
you cannot fast.

You already look like
Tim Burton drew you.

[Growling]

See? Your stomach
is growling.

That's just the bad
feelings leaving me.

[Growling]

Oh! Making room for
some good times.

[Door shuts]

What's up with Rick?

He's being
such a hardass.

He got on my case for eating
off the customers' plates

even when
they weren't looking.

Well, they say
it takes 3 days

to get over your
addiction to food.

Dee, it's not
an addiction.

It's what's
keeping you alive.

Do you even
hear yourself?

You know
what else Rick did?

If you're late
half an hour,

your pay gets docked
half an hour.

So wait a minute.
You only get paid

for the actual hours
you work?

Exactly!
And the worst part is,

he has no sense of humor
at all anymore.

He made Todd change
his ringtone

just because it
sounded like a fart.

He's just being
a cranky pants.

He's stressed out
about his new job,

and I know for a fact
that he isn't getting any.

How do you know?

Because I've known him
for, like, 3 years.

This is the way he acts.

And then, he finally gets laid,
and he's like,

"I finally got laid.

I'm sorry I've been
such a crabby pants."

Well, when you get to work,
you can straighten him out.

Olivia,
we're friends, you know?

This manager thing's
a big deal for him.

You should support him.

You mean, like,

not eat off
the customers' plates?

[Laughs] Yeah.

And keep our fart
phones on vibrate.

Stop playing with it
and put it in your mouth!

That's not the first
time I heard that.

Hey, Olivia.
One of your customers

had to come to the bar
to get a drink.

Oh. Connor?

He's kind of chubby.
He could use the exercise.

Ok. Well, listen. If you can't
take care of your tables,

then you're going to
lose them, all right?

Donna, can you take
table 11?

Boy,
you're kind of tense.

If it wasn't
against the rules,

I'd give you a handie
in the bathroom.

- Nikki.
- Hey, Dee Dee.

Oh. I need your help. I'm about
to say the heck with Gwyneth

and eat the bejesus
out of a cheeseburger.

No. This is
just the hard part.

You think Gwyneth likes
every Coldplay song?

"Yellow"?

No, but she still stands
there in the front row,

shaking her incredibly
well toned ass.

You just need to go home
and get your mind off it.

Ok. I'm going to go home
and play my clarinet.

Or eat it.

Hey, Nikki, do you work for
Dee Dee, or do you work for me?

You know, I don't mind
pushy men when they're rich,

but this isn't working
for me.

Well, how about being
out of work?

Is that going
to work for you?

Hey, Rick? Come here.

Yeah?

You need to lighten up.
People aren't happy.

Really? They're not happy?
Well, that's too bad.

I'm telling you
as your friend,

there's going to be
a mutiny in this place.

Ok. Well, I appreciate
it, Chelsea.

I'll take that
under advisement, ok?

Wow.
You should write a book

called "how to succeed in
business by being a dick."

Uh, Todd,
let me ask you something.

How was the meat
you took the other day?

Well, I just put a drop
of bleach in the marinade.

It's all good.
Uh-huh.

How was the guacamole

and liver sausage
that you took?

Uh, I didn't
take any.

Well, who did, man?

Well, let me see.

Liver sausage
and guacamole.

Maybe a jewish
chihuahua.

I'm serious, Todd.

Look, Rick, if he says
he didn't take it,

he didn't take it.
All right.

Well,
somebody did take it.

So, anyone want to
step up and admit it?

No?

All right. Then I'll just have
to cancel half price sunday.

And everybody can thank
Chelsea for that.

What?
You can't do that.

Chelse, don't tell me
what I can't do.

Oh, my God.
You are sporting, like,

a giant power boner
right now.

No. You just can't handle the fact
that I have authority over you.

No, I can't handle the fact
that you're being so bossy.

Right. Nobody
can tell you anything.

That's why you have such
healthy relationships.

Ok. Your healthiest
relationship in the last 5 years

has been with a tub
of petroleum jelly.

You know what?
I'm done talking.

Seriously?
Yeah. Seriously.

I'm the boss.
This is a mop.

Find something
to do with it.

Found something.

Come on, Chelsea.
Open up.

Come on.
This isn't funny.

No.
I'm not letting you out

until you learn
to have fun again.

Half price sundays
is back on.

[Cheering]

Who wants to get high

and have sex
in the bathroom?

Uh, kind of busy

stealing meat
from the company.

Where's Rick?

Oh, man.

How do you always manage to
show up just at the right time?

We have
security cameras.

I thought
we broke those.

[Banging]
Hey, let me out of here.

Come on. Jerry's going to
stop by tonight, Chelsea.

How would this look?

Not good.

Hi, Jerry.

- Jerry, it's just a little joke.
- And a very funny one.

Really?
You're not mad?

No. No, Chelsea.

Contrary to popular opinion,
I am not an ogre.

Oh, and give Rick
a message for me, will you?

He's fired.

Oh, and I just ran
into his car.

But there's really
no way to prove it.

Rick: Did he say
he hit my car?

- Rick? Can I talk to you?
- Go away.

Come on. I called you,
I texted you.

Come on.
We need to talk.

Chelsea, I have
a date in here.

Right, Rick.

You went to some bar,
and you met a fairy princess

and were like, "hey,
I just got fired.

"Want to come back
to my studio apartment

and have some pity sex?"

Sorry, girl.

You guys were finished,
right?

Just go, Chelsea.

Ok. We need
to figure out a way

to get Jerry to give Rick
his job back.

I don't know.

Rick accused me of
stealing liver sausage.

Maybe you don't steal that,
but you steal all the time.

Mustard
and toilet paper.

Show me a human being on
earth who buys that stuff.

All right, I guess I understand why
Rick thought I stole the sausage.

And I guess it's
not unreasonable

that he doesn't want me to
eat off the customers' plates.

Especially since I
never wash my hands.

Yeah, and I can certainly get
high before I come to work.

Yeah. And I'm always late.
But then again,

all this magic doesn't
come together quickly.

I'm going to march
into Jerry's office

and say if he doesn't
hire Rick back,

I'm quitting.

What if
he doesn't care?

Oh, he'll care. Chelsea's
a great cocktail waitress.

And if I go, he'll
be down 3 people.

Make that 4.

What about you,
Nikki?

Oh, I don't
really want to

get in
the middle of this.

Rick got you
this job.

Ok. Fine.

But for the record,

being pretty
got me this job.

Jerry, we need
to talk to you.

You're all fired.

What? Wait.

Don't you even want to hear
what we have to say?

How many times do
I have to tell you people?

There are
security cameras.

Todd, here's
a helpful hint.

If you didn't steal
so much mustard,

you wouldn't need so
much toilet paper.

[Knock on door]

Who is it?

Rick: It's ed McMahon
and the publisher's clearing house.

He's dead.
How could you even fall for that?

Chelse, how did you manage
to get everybody fired?

You heard?
Yeah.

My new roommate Todd told me,
so thank you for that.

He moved in already?

We got fired, like,
two hours ago.

Yeah, I know. He said he was
living paycheck to paycheck.

So apparently,
the next one was pretty crucial.

Hmm.

So you're not mad
at me anymore?

I don't know.
I guess.

I might have gone
a little overboard myself.

I just really wanted
to be a good manager.

Yeah. Maybe I do have
a little problem with authority.

Then why do you have sex
with so many police officers?

They provide
their own handcuffs.

Mmm.

Cheers.

You know,
I'm no so much worried about us.

You know, we'll find
jobs. We're good.

Yeah.

But what about Todd?

I mean,
the guy has got such an attitude,

and he steals.

What about
Olivia and Nikki?

- Right?
- They are so mean and slutty.

[Chuckles]

See, that...
That right there is

why I want to open
my own bar,

to give people who really
don't deserve it a chance.

Aw. That's beautiful,
Rick.

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, you know,
if we just got a job, right,

and saved up for,
I don't know, a few years,

we could open
our own bar.

Or...

Stay with me.
All right.

We could just open a bar
right here.

What, like,
in your apartment?

Yeah, think about it.

There's, like, floating
restaurants that move around.

And we won't do it forever.
Just long enough

until we can save up enough
money to open up a real place.

Right. Yeah. No. I don't know.
That sounds crazy.

What do you mean? Everything
awesome starts with crazy.

All right, uh,
going to the moon.

Yeah.
Democracy.

Pizza bagels?

Yeah. You know what?
Let's do it.

All right.
I mean, you want to?

Let's just open some crazy-ass
floating apartment bar. Why not?

But first...

Pizza bagels.
Yes.

Hi, folks. Come on in.

Welcome to
the open house bar.

Go ahead and make
yourself feel at home,

like you would in
your own living room, I guess.

And oh, if you want
to change into

a pair of sweat pants,
feel free.

They're in the box right
there on the corner.

Oh, and due to
a large crowd tonight,

we ask that
nobody take a bath.

- Yes.
- Thank you for understanding.

Hey, cleanse buddy.

Nikki,
I'm so hungry.

Did you finish all your water,
garlic, and rocks?

Gosh. You make it sound so good,
I almost forgot

about the pile of
pebbles in my underpants.

[Sighs]

[Cheering]

So, this is where all
my customers are, huh?

Yeah.
That's right, Jerry.

You know,
we're doing great,

and we're going
to continue to do great

until we save up enough
money to get our own place.

Yeah.

Got
a liquor license?

No.

Jerry,
you know what?

You can shut us down,
but you can't stop us.

I mean, 'cause a bar's not a place.
It's the people.

We didn't all work at
your place just for the money.

Yeah, the customers
and the employees,

we care
about each other.

You know,
we're friends.

We're more than friends.
We're a family.

All right.
Calm down, Todd.

No, you're right.
Family is everything.

And well, I screwed mine up.
Now I got nothing.

Except, you know,
a lot of money

and some influence in the
state legislature, and...

Well, I own a judge
I don't know what to do with.

Well, you have
a ton of money,

and we have
a ton of friends.

If you want to partner up,
I'll do 50-50.

Or 100-zero,
and you just get your jobs back.

That's good, too.

Ok. Well,
what the hell.

I'll even hire back
the sexy little one.

Thank you, Jerry.
You're the best.

I don't want to get
all sappy on you,

but you know,

the bar hasn't been the
same place without you.

[Laughs]
Jerry.

That's 'cause
the bar is in here.

Ok, Rick. If you're
going to be my manager,

you're going to have to
learn how to talk like a man.

Oh! Hey.

To working.

With friends.

[Flatulence]

Hey, it's my mom.

Got to take this.

So Todd wasn't
the one stealing food.

No.
Dee Dee, look.

Hey, Nikki,
get in here.

So she hasn't
been fasting?

Man, she can really
gobble a sausage.

I know.
It really makes me miss dating her.

What's up?

We know about
the sausage.

You've been eating this whole
time while I starved alone?

Maybe hallucinated
a little?

No, I wasn't.

What do you mean?
You're on the video.

You're wrong.

[Scoffs] How can you deny it?
It's in the video.

Oh, I'm just taking
an assertiveness training course.

Oh. I wanted to take
an assertiveness training course,

but I got scared
and hung up the phone.

- What you all do in my office?
- We're not in here.