Are You There, Chelsea? (2012): Season 1, Episode 8 - Those Damn Yankees - full transcript

God, Chelsea, how can you
always make more tips than me?

Because I'm nicer than you.

And because you always act like
you're better than everyone else.

It's not an act.

All right, guys,
drinks are on me.

Oh, yeah!
Whoo!

Dudes. Look,
it's the iron pigs.

Are you sure
it's not Menudo?

No, they're the triple a baseball
affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Triple A?
That's my bra size.

That's my battery size.



Sweetie,
those iron pigs are heroes.

- They beat the Yankees.
- Really?

Well, the Yankees
minor league team.

The way I was raised,
anyone who beats the Yankees...

Is family!

That's my girl.

Well, it's the only actual
lesson you taught me as a kid.

Chelsea! Don't you ever
play with fire.

But I was going to burn this.

That's my girl!

Hey, iron pigs.
Congrats on your big win.

Wow. I mean,
it's got to be my day.

I hit a game-winning
grand slam,

and now I have a beautiful woman
about to bring me dinner.



That's sweet.

Seriously, what do you want?
I don't have all day.

I want you
to dance with me.

Oh, I can't dance,
I'm working.

Oh, come on, you dance all
the time while you're working.

Jerry loves it when
the waitresses dance.

I'm such a yenta.

Hey, brother, do you have
any salsa music back there?

Ah, I don't know, man.
That's not really our usual...

Yes, see,
we don't have any.

But if it's going
to embarrass Chelsea somehow,

I will make it happen.

I am not a great
salsa dancer.

All you have to worry about
is following my lead.

Yeah, see, I'm not good at those
dances where the guy leads.

Wow, check out
those arms.

And I bet he could
go forever in bed

because all he thinks
about is baseball.

I think the problem is

that you've never been
with the right lead.

Yeah, that's
what every guy

and a couple of
lesbians have told me.

Damn, he's good.

Wow.

If I was
10 years younger,

I'd be very confused
right now.

Are you throwing darts,
at the Yankees?

Yeah. That's how we
celebrate opening day.

Ooh. I nailed jeter.

Nice! You got 'em
right in the a-rod!

All right, come on, you guys.
Nikki's a Yankees fan.

Thank you, Rick.
They're just jealous

because the Yankees
are winners.

And if a man doesn't work out,
they just buy a new one.

I hate the Yankees so much,

I won't even buy
a Yankee candle.

Ooh, let me guess...
You're a Sox fan.

That's right.
Born and raised in Boston.

But I also root
for the Mets,

because they hate
the Yankees, too.

Yeah, this bar
is Mets territory.

How can you say that 30 Miles
from Yankee stadium?

I try not to think about that.

My father was an Usher
at Fenway park for 34 summers,

and he loved every day of it,

except when the Yankees
came to town.

Those fans would abuse
everyone who worked there.

I still remember
my old man coming home,

spit all over his uniform,
exhausted,

dehydrated.
Dehydrated?

Yeah, well, he was
spitting back at them.

Ok, listen,
Chelsea's dad.

My grandmother Tess
is an angry old person, too.

But I've learned
to tolerate her nastiness

by surrounding her
with a white light

and picturing her
with a more appealing face.

And I'm going to do
the same to you...

Ryan gosling.

Interesting philosophy.

Namaste.

It's Tommy.

- Did you just flip your hair?
- No!

But you are
putting on lip gloss.

I also hedged
the runway,

do you want
to talk about it?

Hey, Tommy.

Hey, babes.

Hey, you know,
this one may stick.

- It's already been two weeks.
- Yeah, I know.

What, that's like two
years for you and me.

Has it really
been that long...

Darling?

Hey, dad.
You remember Tommy.

- Yeah!
- Hey, how you doing, sir? How are you?

Hi, son. I think it's time
we have a little chit-chat.

Oh, absolutely, sir.
I just want you to know

you don't have to worry
about your daughter.

I was raised
to respect women.

Yeah, whatever. Listen.

What I need
to talk to you about

is my High School
baseball career.

I have a few anecdotes
I'd like to share with you.

Three are funny,

then one seems funny
but later you'll be troubled.

Sorry.

You know, you better be
careful with him, Chels.

Professional athletes
are notorious dogs.

Hmm. Are they worse than,
random example, bartenders?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Baseball players,

they have women lined up
in motel parking lots.

Oh, they form lines?
God, baseball sluts are so polite.

Hey, Rick,

I want to buy Melvin a beer.

Actually, Melvin wants me
to buy Melvin a beer.

There you go, man.

Hey, um, question.

When's the next time
you go on the road?

Three days.
Three days?

Yeah. Oh, I thought I told you.
Yeah, just for a couple of weeks.

Yeah? So where do you guys
stay when you're on the road?

Motels.

Bet they have
parking lots.

Yeah. Parking lots.
No vacancy signs.

The works.

The works, huh?

I have heard
about the works.

Did he play ball?

Um, no. Why?

I just thought he might
have gotten hit in the head.

What
are you guys doing?

We're trying
to start a trend.

And if it doesn't work,
I'll eat my hat.

We're also trying
to bring back that phrase.

We got really bored today.

You guys, I just found out
that Tommy is going on the road.

Oh, that must be so much fun
for the team, seeing America.

I've only been to New York
and New Jersey.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

You wouldn't know it
'cause I feel like

I've been all around
the world with Matt Lauer.

Hey, are you worried about Tommy
hooking up while he's gone?

I think I am.

I think somebody's
falling for somebody.

Oh, you're somebody
and he's the other somebody.

I don't know.

I mean,
usually I can't stand alpha males.

But Tommy is so good at it.

And I just follow along
and it's fantastic.

But following is so not me
but I love it.

But it's not me.
But I love it.

My body hurts.

My dad used to say, leave
the following to the Methodists.

Am I right, ladies?

You know, Chelsea,
if you're worried about Tommy,

why don't you just tell him
you want to be exclusive?

No, that would be
so embarrassing.

I would rather...
Eat my hat.

It's catching on!

You know what,
Chelsea,

you can't always
be the cool one.

Sometimes you have
to be the dork.

- She's right.
- I know you can put out,

but can you put
your heart out... there?

Wow, you really aren't
afraid of being a dork.

Didn't you just fall in
love with me a little bit?

You had me at "put out".

Ok, so what can I get you?

Do you want a bloody Mary
or a grilled cheese?

I'll take both.

Ok, but I've got to warn you...

If you dip the grilled cheese
in the bloody Mary,

you won't be able
to eat anything else

for at least
a year and a half.

I'm going to miss you.

Oh, me, too.

So...

What are you going to do
while you're on the road?

Play baseball.

No, I mean, like,
after the games.

What are you
asking me, Chelsea?

Look, this might
sound kind of gushy,

but, ahem,

could you just not bang other
girls while you're on the road?

I don't want you coming back
with any diseases.

That's so romantic,
Chelsea.

Shut up.

Look...

Even if you...

Even if you didn't
say anything,

I don't want
to see anybody else.

- Really?
- Really.

God, you're such a girl.

Hi, Rick.

Top of the morning
to you.

Oh.

Did you, uh,
pork a leprechaun?

No.

And I can't,
'cause I'm exclusive... with Tommy.

With just guys named Tommy

or like that
particular Tommy?

Wait, did I just hear that Chelsea
has an actual boyfriend?

Yes, and I'm very happy,
so there's nothing

either of you could say
to bring me down.

No, the old me would
have pointed out

how little money minor
league baseball players make.

Which is actually
very little.

Yeah.

I'm picturing...
Betty white.

Hey, that does work.

Oh, Rick.
Yeah.

Can I please leave
a little early today?

I have to drive
my grandmother to the hospital

for a procedure.
And I hate hospitals.

You were going
to marry a doctor.

Yeah, but guess what,

I wasn't going to live
at the hospital.

Uh, listen, Nikks, yeah.

I mean, I'll come along
for moral support if you want.

Really?
Yeah, sure.

I am so fortunate that
you are on my journey.

You're still trying to wiggle
it in there, aren't you?

What, come on,
can't a guy

just like hang out
at a hospital

waiting for an 80-year-old

without it being all... sexual.

Wiggling, my friend.

Wiggling.

Hey, Chelsea.

Hey!

I thought you left.

Yeah, I'm not going
on the road.

Why, what happened?

I got traded.
I got called up to the majors!

Oh, my God, that is awesome!

Yeah! I'm playing
for the Yankees.

I can't believe I finally
meet this amazing guy,

and he's playing
for the wrong team.

I know what that means.

I work in a flower shop.

So what are you going to do?
Are you going to break up with him?

Why would she
break up with him?

She hates the Yankees
as much as her dad does.

The only things my dad
hated were pontius pilot

and when children spoke
after 7:00 P.M.

Chelsea, you have to decide
if this is a deal breaker.

My normal deal breakers are like...
If a guy has bigger nipples than mine.

- Oh, I hate that.
- Right?

Or if he only has hair on
his nipples but nowhere else.

Or if his nipples
are too far apart.

And those are just
the ones about nipples.

I have other ones, too.

Can you stop
saying "nipples"?

I'm getting itchy.

My biggest deal breaker
is if a guy assumes

I'm going to do his dry
cleaning just because I'm Asian.

Chelsea, it doesn't seem like
baseball should be that big a deal.

- It's just baseball.
- Just baseball?

That's like saying,
just America,

or just naked black guys
in a really good mood.

Ok, let me put this in terms
that you'll understand.

It's like if someone said,
it's just "twilight".

No one would
say that.

And then, all of a sudden they switch
from team Edward to team Jacob.

Well, that's just stupid.
I mean, a wolf?

That would be it for you, right?
You'd dump the guy.

Well, it'd be
a hard decision,

but in the long run, I'd try
to get past that difference.

I mean, how many
people do you find

in life that you
really care about?

You know what,
you're right.

Yeah, Tommy is the same guy
he was yesterday.

It's just
a different Jersey.

So how are you going
to break it to your dad?

I don't know,
it might kill him.

But on the bright side,
it might kill him.

What is your secret
with my grandma, Rick?

She will not stop
talking about you.

I don't know, you know,
old people love me.

I can't even walk by
a Loehmann's

without feeling
like a piece of meat.

Well, the young people
love you, too.

Ooh, uh, any chance you can tag
along for her follow-up visit?

I'm trying to develop
my spirituality,

but sometimes I just want to
wring that old bitch's neck.

Yeah, well, don't
do that. I'll go.

Oh, you're my hero!
Oh, we can play that fun game

in the waiting room
where we try to guess

who has insurance
and who doesn't.

Hey, dad.

Hi.
Brought you a beer.

Thank you.
Come sit.

Dad, there's something
I need to talk to you about,

and it doesn't
have to be a bad thing.

How far along are you?
Do you need to borrow money?

Dad!

I'm sorry.
I mean, are you going to keep it?

No! That's not
what this is about.

How do you feel about Tommy?

Oh, he's a good boy.

And he seems very fond of you,
and I like that.

He was traded to the Yankees.

That son of a bitch!

I always knew there was
something wrong with him...

A darkness
in his eyes!

Dad, I am going to go out
with him and that's that.

So you just have
to accept it.

Can he accept
who you are,

a proud member
of Red Sox nation?

I haven't told him yet.

But I didn't want
to be a buzz kill.

He just got his job.
If he's not accepting of it,

then I will... eat my hat.

Why is everybody saying
that all of a sudden?!

Hey.
Hey.

I had the best day ever.

They gave me
my Yankee locker,

my Yankee
parking space,

and they took like 200
pictures of me doing this.

Tommy...

There's something
that you need to know about me.

I don't want
to talk yet.

I want to make love now.

Your nipples
are perfect.

And I don't say
that lightly.

Is that what you wanted
to talk to me about?

- No.
- It's not important.

We can talk
about it later.

Got you a present.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, it is I who
should be paying you.

No,
they're tickets

to my first game
tomorrow night.

Wow.

The Yankees
vs. The Red Sox.

At Yankee stadium.

They're great seats, too.

Thanks.

And here's something
that you can wear for the game,

in case you get on TV.

Oh, a Yankees jacket.

That is nice.

Oh, look,
it's flame retardant.

Hey, Tess, you were
great in there.

Oh, it was very nice of you
to let me squeeze your hand

while they yanked
the stitches out!

Not everything's about you,
grandma. I'm the one that fainted!

Well, we're very lucky
to have had Rick here

to take care
of the two of us.

Thank you, Rick.

Aw, come on. I got to spend
the day with two beautiful women.

What's better
than that?

It's not really
a compliment

when you lump me in
with my grandma.

Spiritual journey, huh.

If you're spiritual,
I'll eat my hat.

Nikki? I thought
that was you.

Elliot! What
are you doing here?

I was called in
for a consult.

Hey, Tess, how are you?

Not so good, doctor.

No, grandma,
it's Elliot.

- He was my fiancée.
- I know!

Wow, Nikki, you...
You look great.

Well. Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Dr. Elliot Goldman.

Oh, I'm bartender
Rick Miller.

Nice to meet you.
You, too.

Oh, Rick's just
a friend of mine from work.

Oh. Well, it's nice to see you
taking care of your grandma.

I'm on a spiritual
journey now.

I mean, I still wear
make-up and shave my legs.

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

Sure.
Excuse us.

Oh, no. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, sure.

Oh. Ahem.

Wow.

She really lights up

when she's
with that guy.

She never looked
at me like that.

Oh, Rick. Of all
Nikki's boyfriends,

you were my favorite.

And you were my favorite
of Nikki's grandmothers.

Of course I am.
The Italian one

is a pig in lipstick.

Let's go, Yankees!

Let's go, Yankees!

Whoo! Yes!

Let's go,
Yankees!

All right, ok.

There's still
six innings left.

Oh, sorry,
I got caught up.

It's just
so exciting.

Oh, Chelsea,
you're sitting on my foam finger.

Yeah, that's the only pleasure
I'm getting out of this game.

Oh!

What, are you blind?
He was out!

All right, he's an umpire,
just let him do his job.

Who are you rooting for?

Uh, the rules.

Oh.
Ahh.

That's right, Pedroia,
touch 'em all!

What are you,
a Sox fan? Come on!

Do you see
what I'm wearing?

I had intercourse with that right
fielder like 18 hours ago.

All right, that's good.
That is good.

Because I would hate
to be sitting next

to a red sucks fan,
you know?

Oh, red sucks?
Yeah.

That's very intelligent.

You don't sound
like a Yankee fan.

Yeah, well, I applied,
but I wasn't dumb enough.

Hey, everybody.
Sox fan right here.

You know what,
I am a Red Sox fan,

and we are kicking
your asses.

I'd like to make a point
about sportsmanship.

Boo!

My dad was right,
you people are animals!

Animals?

What, he started it!
She's a Sox fan!

You're going down,
Yankee man!

Oh, this is nothing
like "twilight"!

Why didn't you tell me
that you hated the Yankees?

I was going to.
But every time I tried,

you looked so damn happy, I just...
I couldn't.

Well, it's my life.
Everything I've worked for.

I need someone
that's going to be behind me.

I know,
and you deserve that.

Chelsea, let me
ask you a question.

When I step up to that plate,

will you be rooting
for me to hit a home run?

Only if the Sox are ahead
by so much, it won't matter.

It's not a joke.

Will you support me or not?

Truthfully,
I don't know.

I'm a die hard
Sox fan.

Sox fan?!

Hey, you little
Yankee twerp!

If you can't take it,
don't hurl milkshakes.

Yeah, you better run!

Tommy, I tried.

I really did.

I never would have stepped
foot in Yankee stadium

for any other guy.

I guess it's not
going to work, huh?

I'm sorry. I should
probably just leave.

Yeah, you probably should.
Plus, security's coming.

Oh, crap.
Hey, wait.

Call me if you
ever get traded.

Aw, Chelsea, my darling,

today you took one
for the team

in a completely different
way than you ever have before.

I'm proud of you, honey.

Hey, park it here, slugger.

Oh, God,
I'm such an idiot.

It is definitely over
between me and Tommy.

- Why?
- I'm like Bill Buckner, you know.

I don't want any more mistakes
going between my legs.

Well, hey,

if it makes
you feel any better,

the Nikki thing is not
going to happen for me.

Oh, no, you wound up
with a nice person?

Right.

Hey, you're a nice person.
Rebound sex?

You know, someday
I'm going to say yes

and you are going
to freak out.

Someday I'm going to stop asking
and you're going to freak out.

Someday I'm just going

to have sex with you
without you even asking.

Yeah, someday I'm going...
What... no, that's good.

Let's stop there.