Are You There, Chelsea? (2012): Season 1, Episode 4 - Strays - full transcript

Hello. Who are you?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Dee Dee is not used to hairy strangers

dropping their balls
in her tub.

Sorry.

Where'd you get him,
Chelsea?

In the alley where all the
heroin addicts hang out.

So I named him
Keith Richards.

Come on, Chelsea,
no more strays.

No more baby birds
with broken wings.

No more homeless
drummers and no dogs.

Olivia, you're basically
a stray I took in.



Look how I turned out.
I read your mail.

I steal your
prescriptions.

And I try on bathing
suits without underwear.

Thank goodness
for those little strips.

Please...

Fine.

Guys, the snow is melting
off the mountains,

and I don't want you
to see my peaks.

Oh, thanks for making
my drinks first.

Oh, thanks for making
my drinks last.

God, she is so great.

She's getting married, Rick.

Yeah, I know. Ok.

I just can't stop
thinking about her...



Naked, rolling around
on my king size bed.

King size bed?

Best thing
ever invented.

See, I don't really like
a woman glomming onto me

in the middle
of the night.

Once I'm finished,

I like to go to
my separate corner,

think about
what I've done.

I slept next to the same
woman for 40 years,

God rest her soul.

She'd kick and grind
her teeth.

I don't know what
made her so tense.

Geez, uh, maybe you,
5 kids, and a fulltime job?

Hey, she worked because
she wanted to work.

And let me tell you.

I took care of
your mother's needs,

north and south,
if you know what I mean.

Unfortunately, I do.

I'm back. Hey...You.

You still don't know
my name.

Girl, you know
I know your name.

By the way, Kelsey,

is there any way you can
cover my shift tomorrow?

I have a final fitting
for my wedding gown.

Sure. Anything for your wedding.
I am so excited.

Thanks. You know
you're not invited, right?

Yeah. And I hope you don't invite
me to your 2nd or 3rd wedding.

Wow. You're being
incredibly cool to Nicky.

23 days until that
rabid little hamster

gets married
and quits her job,

which is going
to be great for me.

And whether
you know it or not,

it's actually going
to be better for you.

I don't know, Chelsea.

You know, when she's gone,
you might just miss her.

'Cause deep down,
she's a really good person.

And on the surface,
she is a "really" good person.

Ok. I'm done with you.
I'm talking to the boss.

Listen, stretch,

Nicki Natoli
is bad for you.

You stay away from her.

I'm not sure he heard you.

You might want to slap him
around a little bit.

I'm sure
you beat him enough.

Oh, hey, Todd.
So I've been thinking about

your whole
"separate corners" thing.

Your girlfriend really doesn't mind
if you don't cuddle after sex?

Dude,
she hates cuddling,

we have
an open relationship,

and her dad owns
a go-kart track.

Couldn't get any better unless
beer came out of her nipples.

Hey, Kelsey,
I need another favor.

You know I don't
like you, right?

Tots. That's why you're
going to want to help me.

I think my fianc?'s
getting cold feet.

What? He can't do this to me.
He's ruining my special day.

I know.
It's really upsetting.

I mean, I don't know
if it's because

we've only been
dating for 4 months.

But now Elliot's
starting to wonder

why I don't have
many close friends.

Wait a second, you have
"some" close friends?

Well, I had one.
But she was kind of

engaged to Elliot
for a while. So...

Ok. What do we need to do to
get this thing back on track?

He wants to have dinner
with me and my girlfriends.

So why don't you come and bring
those freaks you live with.

You really think dinner with 2
strangers and a girl who hates you

is going to change
his mind?

I have to do something
or I'm going to lose Elliot.

And then I'll be stuck
working at this bar.

With you. Forever.

What do you want me
to wear?

It's so sad that Nicki
doesn't have any friends.

Why doesn't
she have any friends?

Because she's a horrible,
mean-spirited,

spiteful person.

Well, there's something
good in everyone.

The man who murdered my great
aunt did beautiful calligraphy.

His apology note was stunning.

Oh, Chelsea, hi.
Hey, girls.

Hello. Who are you?

Oh, this is
my grandmother Tess.

I invited her because family's
really important to Elliot.

And I'm the only relative
that still talks to her.

Hi, honey.
Ah!

There's my gorgeous man!

Girls, this is
my future husband

and the man I love more
than anything in the world,

Dr. Elliot Golden.

Oh, this is
my best friend Chelsea.

It's great
to finally meet you.

Best friends
don't shake.

We got to get
all up in there.

Ha. Ok, then.
Good, good.

Uh, who are
your other friends?

Oh, these are...The girls.

Hi. We just love Nicki,

because there's something
good in everyone.

You know how you said you
hadn't met anyone in my family?

Well, this is
my grandmother Tess.

Oh, my God. Yes, grandma Tess.
Hello! How are you?

Not so good, doctor.

All right, grandma. Let's...
let's sit down, you little jokester.

And we're going to get
you some chardonnay.

But I want
a whiskey sour!

I'm with you, sister.

I would like to make a toast.

To Elliot. Elliot, ah...

You're a lucky guy.

You know, Nicki is
an amazing person in my life.

Seems like every time we're
having an unpleasant day at work,

she's always there, you know.

Whenever someone
steals my table, there's Nicki.

Every time I get stabbed
in the back, I turn around.

There's my girl!

And now she's going
to be your girl.

Congratulations, Elliot.

You know, the way I see it,
I am not losing a friend...

Cheers.

And if you ever, ever hurt
my dear friend Nicki,

I will come down on you
like the hammer of God.

The hammer of God!
Do you understand?

Yes.

Olivia, we don't
like her that much.

And where...
where'd you meet Nicki?

Over there.

A long time ago.

We come here
all the time...

You great guy.

Careful, Nicki,
I might steal him.

That's ridiculous.

Think fast, Nicki.

Ow!

Oh, I love it!
You guys are nuts!

You know what?
I would like to make a toast.

Now I'm sure you all know that
this has been a whirlwind romance.

And I've been wondering, you know, maybe
if we were rushing into something.

You know, I hadn't even
met any of you,

but now that I have and I see
how behind us you are, well...

Thank you.
Mm-hmm.

To my future bride!

Ha ha! Yes!

You hear that?
He's going to marry the crap out of her.

Hey, can you
pass the champagne?

Mmm. You know what?
Allow me.

Hey, oh.

You must feel
pretty good right now.

Yeah. I guess I was looking for a
way out because I was nervous.

I mean, to tell you
the truth,

Nicki by far is the prettiest
woman I've ever dated.

Eh.
Deep down.

I just think
she's too good for me.

You kidding?

You are a stud muffin.

Really?

Oh, my God. Yeah.
You're a doctor.

Women are like low-hanging
fruit for you, dude.

Wake up!

You could get any girl
you want.

But it doesn't matter.
I mean...You got her.

Grandma, I'm not going to
cut your meat for you.

If you can't chew it,
why'd you order it?

How do you get lipstick
in the bottom of a glass?

I don't know. But I sure would
like to meet that woman.

Hey, best friend!
Hey, high school squeeze!

You guys want to party?!

Yeah! Whoo!

Are you drunk?

Drunk, dumped,
homeless, pretty.

Had to throw that in
'cause it's true.

Wait a second.
Elliot dumped you?

He did?
Yeah.

He said... he got
all this big head...

and he was like, I'm a
low-hanging fruit muffin.

Low-hanging fruit muffin.

Must be some
sort of hip hop slang.

He said he could have
any woman he wants.

And he wants a woman who's
nice to her grandma.

Oh, well, you know what?

I hope her grandma's
not a bitch.

Well, you know, maybe you're
better off without him.

No, no. We need
to get them back together.

You don't think
I tried everything?

Even begging, which does
not come naturally to me.

Look, I have bruises
on my knees.

Bruises.

Is the other thing
or the begging?

This isn't funny.
This is my life.

Look, I'm sorry, nicks.
I'll get you some coffee.

I don't want coffee!

I need a place to sleep.

I can't sleep
at Elliot's.

Ooh, can I come
home with you?

Oh. Uh...

Heh.

Look, nicks, you have no idea
how much I'd like to say yes.

But, come on, you just
broke up with your fianc?.

You're clearly drunk
out of your mind.

And, um, I'm not
a consolation prize.

I'm so sad.

I wish there was someone
who would have sex with me

to make me feel better.

I'll go get my keys.

Wow. I was
almost proud of you.

Yeah. You know what? You're right.
You're totally right.

Nicks, I don't know what
I was thinking. I can't.

Good.
Good for you, Rick.

Thanks. You know, when
you yelled at my penis,

it really hit home.

I'm going to get you
some coffee, ok?

So can I stay with you?

Are you kidding?

You know, I don't blame you.
I get it.

I come in here.
I get this job.

I act like
I'm better than you.

But I'm not better
than you or anybody.

I'm so alone
that right now, to me,

you're my best friend
in the whole world.

That is so sad!

Oh, crap!

No, don't split up
and search the house.

I don't care if you'll
cover more ground that way.

There are no black
people in this movie.

So I have no idea who's
going to die first!

Oh, no! The killer crossed
over into our world.

It's just for one night.

No, we hate her!

Well, her fianc? dumped her.
She's a mess.

Oh...Poor Nicki.

Oh, now you guys can see
what I do when you're drunk.

First,
I make you comfortable.

And then I make you
drink water.

Ah. She's like you, Chelsea,

no gag reflex.

Chelsea!
What?! What?

- What are you doing?
- I can't sleep.

Oh, why don't
you drink some more?

No, I can't sleep alone.

Oh...For God sakes.
Get in.

I thought Elliot
was the one.

I can't believe it's over.

You really loved him?

Yeah. But, heh,

somehow I always push people away.
And I don't know why.

Your nostrils
are really weird shaped.

Look. Maybe this is
a life-changing moment.

Ok. It could be just
something you need to...

Take a hard look at yourself
and come out a better person.

These sheets are scratchy.
What threat count are they?

Shut up and go to sleep.

You shut up! Mmm.

Uh...

Hey, Keith Richards,
hey, ass face.

This has been
the greatest week.

I mean, the dog, the wheelbarrow,
Nicki coming last night.

How could it get
any better?

You see what's
happening here, Chelsea?

Dee Dee is getting
attached to Nicki.

All right, will you stop
saying her name?

It's going to be harder
to put her down.

You can't just kick her out.
She has no friends.

She might make some.
Ass face made friends with a dog.

Ass face has really mellowed
out the last few days.

I'm here.
Which one of you is ass face?

The cat. Now who wants
strawberry pancakes?

Oh, thanks Dee,
you remembered.

Yep. I put all the
strawberries in the middle

so it looks
like a monkey butt.

These look amazing.

Thank you guys so much
for taking care of me.

Whenever I see unattractive
people on the street,

I'm always wondering
why God put them there.

But now I know
it's to help

the sad, pretty people.

Nicki, this is how
you push people away.

Ok, I'm sorry.

Yeah. To have a friend,
you need to be a friend.

Oh, good one.

Like, why don't you ask
Dee Dee how she's doing?

How are you doing,
Dee de

no. That is Dee Dee.

How are you doing,
Dee Dee?

I'm good. This morning,
I pretended my stuffed animals

were the cast of "glee."

I videotaped them performing
Madonna's "ray of light" album.

I was so proud of them.

What the hell am I supposed
to do with that, Chelsea?

Ok. That one
is very advanced.

Mmm! You should
pretend we're rich,

fabulous models
you want to impress.

Ok! Mmm. That one's
throwing me.

I'm going to throw you.

Ok. Nicki, if you can't learn
to have empathy with anyone,

you're never going to have
anybody in your life.

Ok. I hear you.
And I'll work on it. I promise.

Good.

And I'm sure the longer
we're roommates,

the more you'll
rub off on me.

Aw...

I'm sorry, Dee Dee,
we can't keep her.

So you must be stoked.
Nicki's free again, huh?

Uh, no, actually.
I took a stand last night.

Shut her down.
You know, she wanted to have sex with me

just to make herself
feel better.

You know, just that wild,
drunk, primal...Sex.

God, why didn't I just
listen to my penis.

Your penis talks to you?

You look terrible,
Chelsea.

Well, I should.
I took in a stray dog

and a stay girl, because her
boyfriend broke up with her.

Oh. Your mother used
to take in strays.

She was a nurturer,
and so are you.

No, I'm not.

Oh, you're not?

You took pretty good care of
your mother when she was sick.

Remember when you were
5 years old,

we went to the dump
to try our luck.

We found a stuffed
Teddy bear.

Oh, yeah. I remember him.

Joey.
Yeah!

You said
he was your baby.

You spent weeks trying to
nurse him back to health.

I mean, we eventually
had to get rid of him,

'cause you found a balloon
full of heroin in his belly.

That was heroin?
God, I was so innocent.

I thought it was cocaine.

That was an awful bear.
But you loved him.

The only way you'd
let us get rid of him

is if you knew he was
going to a good home.

Right, a good home.
Did you ever find a place to send him?

I told you I did.
But then I threw him in the reservoir.

Then I realized I had
dumped a pound of heroin

into the city's
water supply.

That's why we went to Detroit and
stayed with your aunt for a month.

Hmm.
Good times.

My dad used to say,

"ironing was God's way
of keeping your hands busy

so your mind
could focus on scripture."

Fun story. See?
I totally listened.

Nicki, I've got good news.

Good for you.

No. Actually, it's going
to be good for you.

There's someone coming over who loves
you and wants to be with you again.

You didn't?!
I did.

Oh, my God! I'm a mess!

What did you say?!

Well, I said you were trying
to be a better person.

And you're ready to share
your life with someone

who needs you as much
as you need them.

Oh, wow!
This is so romantic.

Hi, Nicole.

Oh, no...

You set me up
with my grandma?

Come on, it's perfect.

You're grandmother
needs help.

And you need
a place to say.

No!

Nicki, she's your grandmother.
Have some respect.

In Korea, you'd be pulling
her in a cart all over town.

Thanks, Olivia. Keep the
how-to-be-korean tips coming.

I think it'd be so neat to
live with your grandmother.

Mine's having
a test tube baby.

So she's really
busy with that.

So you have a newborn aunt?

I call her aunt baby.

You need time to get
over that heartbreak.

And I need someone to help me
get in and out of the tub.

I really hope
this is rock bottom.

Come on, Nicki. Listen.

I was pretty much
a selfish piece of crap.

All right? Until I had to go take
care of my mom when she was sick.

But you learn a lot.

I mean, I don't know why.
You... you just do.

And as your best friend,

I really, really recommend
that you try it.

You're not going to let
me stay here, are you?

Girl, you know I won't.

Well, I am really
spiritual so...

Maybe this is part
of my journey.

Ok.

Plus, I've been
married 3 times.

And I can teach you
how to close the deal.

Ok. Maybe I'll come for a
week and see how it goes.

I'd be happy
for the company.

Calm down.

I made some hot chocolate.
Anyone want some?

Speaking of
hot chocolate,

I spent a night
with Lou Gossett, Jr.

Not an officer,
not a gentleman.

Ok. We are all moving in
with you, grandma.

Hey.
Hey.

You know, that was nice, getting
Nicki and her grandmother together.

Yeah. Glad I could
find her a good home.

Yeah. Don't get me wrong.

I am still
very much into her.

But I think I'm going
to give her space,

let her come to me.

That sounds like
a good plan, Rick.

Yeah.

In the meantime,
if you get lonely,

I met someone who I think
you'll really like.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You know, maybe that'd be good for me.
What she look like?

So cute.
Kind of a dirty blond.

Ooh. Nice.
Yeah.

God, isn't it great to have our
privacy again now that Nicki's gone?

Oh, I was just thinking that,
like, a minute ago.

You know, she crawled into my bed
while I was sleeping, right?

There is no excuse
for that.

Oh, she really had
no boundaries.

God, I hate that.

Taste the chicken!
It's insane.

Mmm!

Oh.
Sorry.

I'll get that.

Hey, is everyone decent?

Yeah. Come on in.
Rick!

Hey, has anybody seen that rubber
duck that my dog was chewing?

Oh, that's my duck.

Found it!
Todd!

These candles are really nice, Dee Dee.
So relaxing.

I need to video this
for my girlfriend.

She is a candle freak.

Ok. Bath time is over!

You wear a bathing suit
in the tub?

Yeah. Until I get
a lock on the door,

I have to cover
my 4 shamefuls.

4 shamefuls?

Oh, yeah.

Got it.