Are You There, Chelsea? (2012): Season 1, Episode 3 - Believe - full transcript

My room mate Dee Dee

was member of a rare and
endangered species...

26-year-old virgins.

I love her,
but she was always...

always...

always on our couch.

Whew!

What up, B-words?

No, no joke. Always.

Hey, Dee.
I'm heading out.

Have fun. Don't do
anything I wouldn't do.



That's a joke, because
I wouldn't do anything.

Why don't you get your butt off
the couch and come out with me?

Oh. No thanks.

- So what are you doing?
- Origami.

I'm perfecting my swan.
Isn't it cool?

"- Hello, Chelsea.
- It seems like it's time for you to go out.

It's 7:00!"

Don't you just love swans?

If you keep doing origami, you
will never have an "ora-gasm."

Hey, you know tradition where
you move into a new place?

How you have sex in every
room for good luck?

I do not know that tradition.
But I endorse it.

You've had sex in every room
in your apartment?

Yeah. Except
the living room.



Wait. Even my room?

I rang my own bell
in there once.

That counts.

And why haven't you
hit the living room?

Believe me, I've tried.

Dee Dee really freaked out
Fireman Mike.

You've been dating
another fireman?

Uh-huh.

How'd you swing that?

I walked by the fire station.

We have got to get Dee Dee
off that couch.

No, we've got to find
Dee Dee a guy.

A guy who is into origami
and The Bachelor?

Any guy who is into
those two things

is also looking for a guy.

I think I'm in love with
the new cocktail waitress.

She's engaged, Todd.

Plus, she's Rick's old
girlfriend from high school.

Olivia, I think we both
know you had your chance.

So don't be jealous when
these little boots

wind up under
somebody else's bed.

Hi, Sloane.

Hi, everybody.
I have more decorations in the car,

- if I could get a hand.
- Keys.

Thank you.
I'll help you unload.

Ain't... gonna... happen.

Thank you.
What are you doing here?

What do you mean? I'm renting
out the bar tomorrow night

for the singles mixer
for the church.

Oh. Do you just
delete my e-mails?

Yeah.

Um, I'm sorry.

Excuse me, does that
say "Celibacy Jam"?

It does, because
I missed a meeting,

and that's the title
they came up with,

so just suck on it.

You know, it's so funny,
because it's hard to explain

chastity to somebody who started
taking birth control pills

that were shaped
like Barney Rubble.

Hey, where do you want
the poster, Sloane?

Can you put it over there, and
then do you have lots of wine?

'Cause this group
likes to drink.

And if you could make any specialty
cocktails, that'd be great.

What do you mean, like,
"No Penis Colada"?

You're funny for
a little nugget.

Who's working tomorrow
night, Rick?

Uh, Chelsea and Olivia, and
oh, oh... have you met Nikki?

She's our new
cocktail waitress.

Oh, my God, not
in front of the baby.

You have to put a shirt on
for tomorrow night's event.

- Excuse me?
- That doesn't work for me.

Oh, I like what you're wearing.
Is that "Forever 39"?

Maybe it is Forever 39. Where
did you get your little outfit?

At the stripper section
at Abercrombie & Bitch?

Your wedding ring is so tiny.
What does your husband do?

My husband is in
the military, thank you.

Oh. Well, at least
you have insurance.

And access to guns.

Just go and change your shirt, ok?
Please take those away from me.

There are going to be a lot of nice,
wholesome people here tomorrow night.

Like Dee Dee.

Oh, my God. That's perfect!

Okay, Sloane.
Can she come, please?

She's got $20
and an unpopped hymen.

What do you know?

Celibacy Jam really
kinda doesn't suck.

Yeah, the music's
pretty good.

What was that last song about?

Oh, resurrection.

I don't get that "res" part.

You see anything
you like, Dee Dee?

The cake looks pretty yummy.

You know what else
looks yummy.

This dude dancing
over here by himself.

Oh, he's really shaking
it, his moneymaker.

I can't, I'm too shy! Oop!

Do you remember what
it felt like to be a virgin?

Not really. But I remember
it felt wrong.

Oh, no...

I thought we agreed

that you were going to wear something
more appropriate for tonight?

Didn't you see? There's
a cross in the canyon.

Plus God made these boobs.

Did He? Did He, really?

Well, he made the man
that made them.

My, uh, fiancé is finishing his
residency in cosmetic surgery,

and these...
got him an A plus.

Speaking of "A plus,"
what size are you?

I am nursing, okay?

And my nipples are
the size of your head.

Sh-sh-sh. Don't cry.

You're gonna make momma leak
all over the pretty outfit.

Oh, now your kid's never gonna
know what "pretty" means.

Do you really lactate
when it cries?

Yes. That's what
real breasts do.

And if you didn't do that
little botch job to yourself,

you might find out
one day, okay?

Please stay away from
me and my family.

It must be tough to see
Nikki get married, huh?

Yeah, you know,
I thought it'd be cool

having her work here...
but now, to be honest,

it's just bringing up
a lot of feelings.

Yeah, I don't know
if this helps, but...

I had a dream about her
last night.

She was into some
really creepy stuff.

Yeah, she's the one
that's weird.

Oh, where's
your dancing partner?

He had one of those
round booties, like a girl.

It's not for me.

What is for you, Dee Dee?

I'm not sure, but
I know he'll be a romantic.

Like maybe he's a
love advice columnist

who can't find love himself.

Or a skywriter.

As long as he's creative.
And votes.

And he'll wear a vest when we
play cards with our neighbors.

Hey. Let me turn...
Hello, everybody!

Welcome to
the Celibacy Jam!

Who put the Celibacy
in Jam, you ask?

God did.

Okay. So let's put
our hands together

and welcome
"After the Ascension."

Hello, Celibacy Jam!

You gave yourself

Willing to save me

And I won't forget

Now it's my chance
to give back

It's weird.

Christian rock stars
are still rock stars.

And all the women
in that room wanted him.

And after a while,
I kinda did too.

He's our hero
we must follow

Who would've thought,
of all places, the hottest guy

I've met in months
would be at a church social.

We talked for a while, and
it turned out he was only 23.

I hadn't dated someone
that young since I was 14.

But Luke was
sweet and talented.

And he asked me out
for ice cream.

And by ice cream,

he apparently meant
dry-humping in his van.

- Have you seen Luke?
- Yeah, he's cute!

No, no, I mean, where is he?

He's supposed to
play the second set.

- Um...
- Where's Chelsea?

Not during Celibacy Jam.

Chelsea, please, no.
We have to stop.

- Why would we stop?
- I just... I won't...

I can't... I just can't...

Uh.

I think you just did.

Hi, everybody.

The band will be back
in a couple of minutes.

As soon as the band
leader is done doing

whatever he's doing.

Uh, I, uh, also want to say

that there is a fellowship
camping trip,

um, in a month,

and I'm very excited to...

I'm very, very excited
to see everybody

at this camping trip,

except for you because
you're going straight to hell.

And so I'll see you on Sunday.

Thank you!

I am so stupid.

I wanted my first time
to be special.

Your first time what?

First time I ever had sex.

- That wasn't sex.
- No?

- What would you call it?
- A compliment.

Like you were so into me, you...

launched a firework.

I wanted my first time
to be romantic,

with my wife, you know,
like, on our honeymoon...

and she'd be pure
and innocent.

Well, I can't
help you there.

That's when I
realized this sweet young man,

who was a little wet
behind the...

oh, let's say ears...
wasn't for me.

But he was perfect
for somebody else.

Let us all remember
Lest we all forget

Our offer's
going away, Dee Dee.

How do you even know him?

He spilled his... drink
on me.

Wow. I can't believe
I'm about to date a rock star.

I wrote fan letters to Justin
Timberlake when I was 14,

but he never responded.

"Sexy back"?
How about manners back?

Luke is such a gentleman.
You're going to have the best time.

Ooh! Oh, remember how I've
been working on origami?

This is my new favorite.

Do you think I should
show Luke my goose?

Well, I would.

But I thought you were going to
wait until you were married.

Hey. Come in.
I'll get Dee Dee.

I feel a little weird
about this.

Look, I wouldn't
have called you,

except this girl is
perfect for you.

Isn't this awkward for you?

If it were awkward for me
with everyone I've dry-humped,

I'd have to stay
in my house.

And even then,
it might get dicey.

Oh, there she is.

Dee Dee, this is Luke.
Luke, this is Dee Dee.

You're a very good singer.

And you have pretty eyes.

The kids really hit it off.

Dee Dee was thrilled to be
dating a rock star.

And Luke was thrilled

to be dating someone sweet
and naive about sex.

I love sitting here
with you, Dee Dee.

Your hair
smells like sugar.

When I hold your hand
I get a feeling

that shoots all the way up
my shoulders to my neck,

and then hops
to my earlobes.

I can't believe I told you
that, but I really trust you.

You do?

Of course I do.

Can I put my head
on your shoulder?

Okay.

You know, if we wait
ten minutes, we can see

a big, hairy fat man
take a bath up there.

Excuse me, sir.

Can you see if you're
sitting on a blue barrette?

Um, sure.

- There it is.
- Thank you.

And thanks for keeping
our city safe.

You're welcome.

I thought you said we were
going to be alone tonight.

As soon as her date gets
here, she's taking off.

Thank you
for being so patient.

And good-looking. God.

Hi. Oh, not me.
I don't touch the stuff!

That was a joke.

It's a play on the words,
"Hi," and "high."

Nice to meet you. Bye.

You said you liked my purity ring,
so I got you one just like it.

Oh. Wow.

I can't do this
anymore, Dee Dee.

I don't deserve a purity ring.

I had relations with Chelsea.

What?
What?

You didn't put your Mr. Pickle
in her pickle jar, did you?

No. No. We just
made out a little.

It was before
I set you guys up.

- You should have told me, Chelsea...
- I know.

But Dee Dee, he's
so perfect for you.

Perfect for a liar
with pants of fire.

Hey, hey, hey.
Do not joke about fire.

Look, you and I talked about
the importance and beauty

of the Jonas Brothers'
purity.

You're a total hypocrite, Luke,

and I'll thank you and your
mister mini pickle to leave!

- Look...
- I will thank you to leave!

You know, I think I'm gonna...

- Go?
- Yeah.

I understand.
I'll call you.

I'll just get my pussy
stuck up in a tree.

I'm really sorry
about what happened, Dee.

I'm still mad. I mean, I get that
you would try to do something nice.

And you probably
couldn't help yourself.

You're like a dog who wants to
chew on everyone else's bone.

All right, all right.
I think that you've had enough...

apple juice.

Dee, I really think that you
should give Luke another chance.

Don't even say his name.

Well, at least come around
to the bar. It's Chowder Friday.

No way. I'm never
getting off this couch.

- Don't you have to go to work?
- Of course I do.

And I poop too,
but I don't talk about it.

Well, I do. So don't go
in the bathroom for a while,

'cause it needs to air out.

- Chelsea?
- Yeah.

Would you bring me chowder
and oyster crackers?

Yeah, of course.

I heard what
you did to my sister.

I heard you had sex
with a 12-year-old.

I heard your last job was helping
four hobbits find a ring.

Whatever. She bought this.

By the way, messing
with my sister,

not a wise move.

She's a Christian.
She said she forgave me.

Oh, she did, huh? Okay.

You know, it's kinda cute.

She's dead, and she
doesn't even know it.

Hey, Chels. What is
the deal with Dee?

She gave me the finger.

It was the wrong one,
but... still.

Chelsea kinda broke her.

Oh, that's because
you're not careful.

This is why you can't
have nice friends.

All right, we have to
get her back with Luke.

Yeah. Let's help him do something
super-romantic to win her back.

Yeah, but Dee Dee says
she's done with romance.

Done with romance?

Dee Dee cannot be
done with romance, all right?

Why not extinguish the sun?

Or stab the moon in the face?

Are you still taking
that poetry class?

It was a seminar.

You guys, come on.

We have to be able to
think of something.

Dee Dee once told us about the most
romantic date she could ever imagine.

Remember?

The night we were drunk?

Wait a minute.
You guys got Dee Dee drunk?

No. The night
Chelsea and I got drunk.

Oh, that night. Yeah.
Thanks for clarifying.

We start out on
a big "mizeem"

traveling river,
lights in water.

You listening to me?

Then at midnight,
and a smear out of the smars.

"Perfect."

You guys, we have to think
of something romantic.

And it can't have
alcohol or sex?

I know, I'm stumped.

- Rick, you got a story?
- No.

- About what?
- Romance.

Uh... Okay, yeah.

The most romantic thing I ever did
was with Nikki in high school.

It was our two-month
anniversary,

and we made a time capsule.

So we put pictures,

and little notes that we'd
write each other in there,

and... oh, concert tickets to the Counting
Crows, you remember that?

Yeah, whatever happened
to that thing?

Whatever happened
to the Counting Crows?

God, we were such idiots, right?

Yeah, what the hell
were we thinking?

Rick, do you need a mini-pad,
or can you focus on Dee Dee?

Look, doesn't Dee Dee get all her
ideas about romance from TV?

- She's coming!
- Oh. Quick. Pop in the DVD.

What's going on?

We have a surprise
for Dee Dee.

Don't you people
ever work?

- Chelsea, did you take my remote?
- Yes. I did.

But we're gonna show you
something right now, so...

So sit down. Rick?

Hey, that's our street.

A million things
I could have said

A thousand lives
I could have led

My heart beats faster
'Cause I know what I'm after

It's Luke.

I don't need
a Cadillac car

Drive around
like a movie star

Oh, no, no, no
I'm not greedy

I just want Dee Dee

And that's me.

Dee Dee, yeah

Is he straight?

Won't you help me
make it right

Oh, I'm not faking
My earth is quaking

Okay, in all fairness, we didn't
give him a ton of time to write it.

Light my darkness
Forgive my sin

Ooh, open
the door, angel

Please won't
you let me in

Oh, God. He usually
arrives early.

Dee Dee, please forgive me.

I'm missed you so much.
Will you be my girlfriend?

Yes. Oh!

I'm sorry I made fun of
the whole time capsule thing.

It's still the most romantic thing
I've ever done with anyone.

Me too.

It's so sad that you
don't have any money.

Even though I'm not the
swoony-est gal on the block,

it felt good to restore
Dee Dee's faith in romance.

And standing there in the bar,

watching everyone
be affected by it,

Everyone was at the bar.
My apartment was empty!

Today was rough.
I'm so tired.

Well, take a load off.

Could you let me buy you a drink?
I have a White Russian. Do you like those?

That actually sounds great.

And I'm sorry for making you
leak all over your dress

in front of those virgins.

Although it was funny.

Yeah, you're right.
It was funny.

Yeah, those pictures all over
her church's Facebook page?

It's hilarious.

Thanks.

This is good.

Did you use
the real cream?

If you made that crying noise
again, I can top it off for you.

Uhh!

I thought you said
you were Christian!

I am a Christian,
and you're the devil.