Are You Being Served? Again! (1992–1993): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

( theme music playing )

I HAD TO PULL THAT FLUSH
10 TIMES. MY ARM'S KILLING ME.

OOH!

YOU'RE LOOKING IN
BLOOMING HEALTH TODAY.

THIS COUNTRY AIR AGREES
WITH ME, MISS BRAHMS.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

I'VE LEFT OFF MY FOUNDATION.

IT'S GIVEN MY SKIN A
CHANCE TO BREATHE.

THE COUNTRY AIR HAS CERTAINLY
PERKED MR. HUMPHRIES UP.

I THINK IT'S THAT
YOUNG GIRL, MAVIS.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S A SIMPLE CHILD,



BUT SHE SEEMS DEVOTED TO HIM.

PROBABLY MAKES A
CHANGE FROM ALL THOSE

ROUGH VILLAGE BOYS THAT
HANG 'ROUND OUTSIDE THE PUB

AND TRY TO HAVE A KISS AND
CUDDLE WITH ANYONE THAT GOES BY.

WHICH PUB IS THAT, MISS BRAHMS?

"THE FOUR FERRETS."

MISS BRAHMS AND I POPPED IN
YESTERDAY AFTER YOUR TRIAL.

I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND IT.

THESE JUKEBOX THINGS THEY HAVE

RUIN THE ATMOSPHERE
OF A COACHING INN.

YOU WENT AND PRESSED THE BUTTON

FOR "LOVE ME
TENDER, LOVE ME TRUE."

QUITE BY ACCIDENT WITH MY ELBOW,

AS I WAS AVOIDING
THE BARMAID'S BOSOM



AS SHE PUSHED BY WITH TWO
PINTS OF PIG'S EYE SCRUMPY.

WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT?

SOMETHING WHICH
WIPES OUT THE MEMORY

OF EVER HAVING ORDERED IT.

YOU WANNA STAY OUT
OF THAT PUBLIC BAR,

FULL OF THOSE FARM WORKERS, UGH!

I HAD TO GO THROUGH
THERE TO GO TO THE LOO,

AND THERE WERE ROUGH
HANDS ALL OVER ME.

OH, THANK YOU FOR WARNING ME.

I HATE THAT SORT OF THING.

IS THAT THE PUB ON THE CORNER,

OPPOSITE THE POST OFFICE?

THAT'S THE ONE.

IT LOOKS QUITE
NICE FROM OUTSIDE.

GOOD MORNING, MISS LOVELOCK.

GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

SOMEONE'S HOGGED ALL
THE HOT WATER THIS MORNING.

REALLY? HOW SELFISH OF HIM.

OFF ON YOUR BIKE, ARE YOU?

I PROMISED TO EXERCISE
SIR ROBERT'S HUNTER.

I'LL BE BACK IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

TAKE ANY MESSAGES FOR ME.

OH YES, MADAM.

OOH, THAT WOMAN
GETS RIGHT UP MY NOSE.

MR. GRACE PROBABLY
SPOILED HER A BIT.

OLDER MEN FREQUENTLY DO.

SO WE'VE NOTICED.

WHEW!

BEEN DOING YOUR KEEP FIT?

YEAH, I'VE BEEN OUT
FOR FOUR HOURS...

MAVIS HAS HAD ME IN
THE VEGETABLE PATCH,

PICKING PEAS FOR THE PEA SOUP.

DID YOU KNOW I
SHELLED FIVE POUNDS

BEFORE BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?

IT IS WONDERFUL. THEY
COME IN LITTLE PACKETS.

YOU JUST POP THE END
OPEN AND OPEN THEM UP

AND THERE THEY ARE.

NO ADDITIVES, NO "E's,"
NO ARTIFICIAL COLORING.

JUST A LOT OF LITTLE
GREEN BUGS MUNCHING.

I THINK I'LL SKIP THE PEA SOUP.

NOW THAT YOU'RE ALL HERE.
WE MUST HAVE A MEETING.

ARE YOU FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

YES, AT THE MOMENT.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, MISS BRAHMS?

YES, WE ARE FREE.

- MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU...
- I'M FREE.

I HAVE A RATHER SERIOUS
MATTER TO DISCUSS.

BEFORE YOU START, MR. RUMBOLD,

MAY I HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING

REGARDING THE BATHWATER?

WHEN I PERFORMED MY
ABLUTIONS THIS MORNING,

I GOT THREE INCHES OF HOT,
AND ABOUT TWO FOOT OF TEPID!

THE BATHS ARE VERY BIG HERE

AND PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN OVERINDULGING.

YOU'RE RIGHT THERE.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK WAS IN
THERE FOR HOURS THIS MORNING.

THERE WAS ALL STEAM
COMING OUT THE KEYHOLE.

I HOPE YOU WEREN'T LOOKING
THROUGH IT, MISS BRAHMS.

I WOULD'VE DONE, BUT MISS
LOVELOCK WOULDN'T MOVE OVER.

IS THAT A FACT?

JUST WINDING YOU UP.

WE MUST ALL REALIZE IT IS
AN OLD FASHIONED SYSTEM.

WE'LL HAVE TO RATION
OURSELVES TO FIVE INCHES.

DO YOU AGREE, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

REALLY, WE HAD ALL
THAT DURING THE WAR,

AND FIVE INCHES GOES NOWHERE.

SPEAKING FOR MYSELF, FOUR INCHES
WOULD BE MORE THAN ADEQUATE.

IS NOT THE SOLUTION TO
PROVIDE MORE HOT WATER?

NO IT ISN'T.

ME AND MAVIS WERE IN
THAT WOODSHED FOR HOURS,

TO'ING AND FRO'ING WITH
A CROSS SAW YESTERDAY.

AND THE WOOD'S ALL GONE.

I DO NOT INTEND TO GIVE
UP MY USUAL BIG BATH.

PERHAPS YOU'LL HAVE TO GO
INTO THE WOODSHED WITH MAVIS.

OH, I'LL ORGANIZE A
ROTA FOR WOOD DUTY.

THOSE WHO WANT MORE
WATER CAN CHOP MORE WOOD.

POINT OF ORDER, MR. RUMBOLD.

IS MISS LOVELOCK ENTITLED

TO A BATH IN THE MAIN HOUSE,

SEEING HOW SHE'S DOMICILED
IN THE GROOM'S QUARTERS?

YES, WE DO HAVE A BIT OF A
DEMARCATION PROBLEM THERE.

I'M SURE CAPTAIN PEACOCK
WILL HELP FILL HER QUOTA.

OR SHARE HIS BATH?

IT'S ONLY FAIR, IF, AS HE SAYS,
HE HAS AN UNUSUALLY BIG ONE.

YES, WELL,

WHAT I WANTED TO DISCUSS,

NOW THAT WE'VE DEALT WITH THE
URGENT MATTER OF THE BATH WATER,

IS THAT I HAVE
RECEIVED A PHONE CALL

FROM THE TRAVEL AGENT WHO
BOOKED THE AMERICAN PARTY

WHO ARE STAYING
WITH US THIS WEEKEND

AS PART OF THEIR
TOUR OF OLD ENGLAND.

WILL THEY WANT BATHS, AND ALL?

IT SEEMS THAT THE
LAST PLACE THEY STAYED

WAS A BIT BELOW PAR.

THEY HAD DAMP SHEETS,
OVERGROWN GARDENS,

DUST AND SO ON,
ALL OVER EVERYTHING.

AS A RESULT OF WHICH, THAT
HOTEL HAS BEEN STRUCK OFF THE LIST.

NOW WE DON'T WANT
THAT TO HAPPEN TO US.

THEY PAY VERY WELL.

WELL OVER £1000 PER
WEEKEND, PLUS TIPS.

BUT WHO ARE THEY GOING
TO TIP? WE'VE GOT NO STAFF!

WE HAVE HAD SOME REPLIES,
AND I SHALL BE INTERVIEWING

SOME OF THE APPLICANTS
THIS AFTERNOON.

MEANWHILE, TIME IS SHORT.

I THINK WE SHOULD BUCKLE TO

AND GET THIS PLACE
SHIPSHAPE AND BRISTOL FASHION.

OH, DOES THAT MEAN
CALLING BACK MISS LOVELOCK?

I HAVE MADE OUT A
SUGGESTED LIST OF TASKS.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, WOULD YOU BE
GOOD ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH THE LAWNS?

THE LAWNS ARE RATHER EXTENSIVE.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING
ME TO MOW THEM SINGLE-HANDED?

PERHAPS YOU COULD GET MISS
LOVELOCK TO HARNESS UP HER HORSE?

MISS BRAHMS,

IT HAS NOT ESCAPED MY ATTENTION

THAT YOU HAVE BEEN
IMPLYING THAT I AM ATTRACTED

TO MISS LOVELOCK IN SOME WAY.

OVERT REFERENCES
TO SHARING MY BATH,

UNCALLED-FOR FOR
REMARKS, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

ABOUT OLDER MEN
AND YOUNGER WOMEN,

NOT TO MENTION "BIG ONES."

ALL THIS HAS NOT
ESCAPED MY ATTENTION.

AND LET ME STATE, HERE AND NOW,

THAT I WAS JUST SHOWING
THE ORDINARY COURTESY

EXPECTED OF A
GENTLEMAN TOWARDS A, UM...

GOOD LOOKING BIRD?

TOWARDS A WELL-BRED YOUNG LADY

WHO DID, LET'S US FACE IT,

LOOK AFTER MR. GRACE IN HIS,

LET US SAY... RECLINING YEARS.

I THINK YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT.

I'M SURE NO OFFENSE
WAS INTENDED,

AND THERE IS A RIDE-ON MOWER.

ON BEHALF OF MISS
BRAHMS AND MYSELF,

MAY I SAY THAT NO
OFFENSE WAS INTENDED.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MISS BRAHMS?

YES. WE'RE JUST AMAZED
YOU CAN STILL PULL.

WELL, I WOULD LIKE
TO SAY, HERE AND NOW,

THAT REMARKS HAVE BEEN MADE
ABOUT ME AND MISS MOULTERD.

AND I DON'T MIND A BIT.

IF THAT'S SETTLED,
CAN WE GET ON?

YES, YES OF COURSE.
WEEDS, MR. HUMPHRIES.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

COULD YOU WEED THE BEDS?

IT'S A LONG TIME
SINCE I DID THAT.

AND WHILE YOU'RE ABOUT IT,

CUT SOME FLOWERS FOR
MRS. SLOCOMBE TO ARRANGE.

ROSES WOULD BE
NICE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

YOU'LL FIND
SECATEURS IN THE SHED.

IF NOT, THEY'LL BE
NON-SECATEURS.

NOBODY GOT THAT, DID THEY?

PERHAPS YOU COULD
TRY IT ON MISS LOVELOCK?

SORRY.

MISS BRAHMS,

COULD YOU VACUUM THE
CARPET AND THE STAIRS?

DO THE DUSTING... AND THE SHEETS
CAME BACK FROM THE LAUNDRY

STILL A LITTLE ON THE DAMP SIDE.

PERHAPS YOU COULD
HANG THEM OUT TO AIR?

AND MAKE SURE THERE IS SOAP,

TOWELS, AND LOO ROLLS
IN THE BATHROOM AND...

HANG ON A MINUTE!

I'M NOT BLEEDING CINDERELLA!

PERHAPS WE COULD WATCH
OUR LANGUAGE, MISS BRAHMS?

HE GETS ON MY WICK!

YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT, I
WAS OVERLOADING YOU.

PERHAPS MR. HUMPHRIES
COULD DEAL WITH THE KITCHEN

WITH MISS MOULTERD?

MRS. SLOCOMBE, PERHAPS YOU
COULD HELP WITH THE SHEETS?

WHAT ABOUT THE VACUUMING?

COULD YOU HELP WITH
THAT TOO, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

I'M NOT LUGGING A GREAT BIG
VACUUM UP ALL THOSE STAIRS,

AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT!

NO, IT'S NOT A BIG ONE,
IT'S ONLY A "JUNIOR GOBLIN."

I'M SURE THE
GENTLEMEN WILL HELP.

MR. HUMPHRIES,

COULD YOU MANAGE A
"JUNIOR GOBLIN" UP THE STAIRS?

AH, MISS LOVELOCK,
IT'S A FINE ANIMAL.

YES. SHE'S GOT A LOT OF ARAB
IN HER. MAKES HER A BIT WILD.

OH, YES, WELL THAT
CAN BE EXPECTED.

FORTUNATELY, I HAVE
VERY STRONG THIGHS.

I CAN CRUSH THE BREATH OUT
OF HER AND SLOW HER DOWN.

THAT SORT OF CONTROL
MUST BE INVALUABLE.

I WONDER IF YOU COULD
TELL ME WHERE THE MOWER IS?

I'M GOING TO MANICURE THE LAWN.

OF COURSE. I'LL COME ALONG WITH
YOU, AND HELP TO GET YOU GOING.

HAS IT GOT A STARTER?

JUST NEEDS A STRONG PULL.

I'LL FOLLOW YOUR
TECHNIQUE WITH INTEREST.

YOU ARE TALL, AREN'T YOU?

JUST 6' 2".

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M THE
SAME HEIGHT AS RAMONE NAVARO.

WHO'S HE?

OH, JUST ONE OF THOSE
NEW ROCK SINGERS.

OH, MR. HUMPHRIES!

DON'T TELL ME YOU JUST CUT
ALL THOSE FLOWERS FOR ME?

I'VE CERTAINLY JUST CUT THEM.

OH, THEY'RE LOVELY.

HAVE YOU EVER RODDED A DRAIN?

NO, BUT I'VE DEALT WITH
MY MOTHER'S KITCHEN SINK

WITH A RUBBER PLUNGER.

YOU STICK THIS THING IN

AND SHOVE IT UP AND DOWN.

I THINK THERE'S A
DEAD RAT DOWN THERE.

I'LL GO PUT YOUR LOVELY
FLOWERS IN A BUCKET.

YOU GOT A NATURAL
TALENT FOR THAT.

IT'S MY FIRST TIME.

OH, IT'S A REALLY GOOD
DRYING DAY, MISS BRAHMS.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS JUST
PEG THEM OUT ON THE LINE,

AND THE BREEZE WILL DO THE REST.

YES, WELL USUALLY I JUST TAKE
THEM DOWN THE LAUNDRETTE.

BY THE TIME I'VE DONE
TESCOS, THEY'RE ALL FINISHED.

YOU'RE LIVING IN THE
COUNTRY NOW, MISS BRAHMS.

SHOULD I GET A LADDER?
IT'S A BIT HIGH, ISN'T IT?

( chuckles ) SILLY GIRL.

OLD FASHIONED, BUT EFFECTIVE.

WE'VE GOT TO LEARN TO DO
THINGS FOR OURSELVES NOW.

YES. I SUPPOSE I'VE
ALWAYS BEEN LUCKY.

THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN SOME
FELLA THERE TO DO THINGS FOR ME.

WELL, UNTIL RECENTLY.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED
TO THAT MAN WITH

THE AMUSEMENT ARCADE
IN NEWPORT PAGNALL?

HE GOT HIT BY THE RECESSION.

AND THEN BY HIS WIFE WHEN
SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT ME.

WAS THAT THE
TIME IN THAT HOTEL...

YES.

WHEN YOU WERE CAUGHT ON
THE FIRE ESCAPE IN YOUR NIGHTIE...

YES.

COULD THEY TELL IT
WAS YOU IN THE PHOTO?

NO, BUT THEY
COULD SEE IT WAS HIM

WHEN HE WAS CLIMBING OUT
THE WINDOW WITH HIS LEG OVER.

MISS BRAHMS?

HOW LONG WAS IT?

WE WERE TOGETHER FOR
FIVE YEARS. EVERY TUESDAY.

WELL, YOU MUSTN'T GIVE UP HOPE.

YOU'RE STILL A VERY
ATTRACTIVE PERSON.

- THANK YOU.
- WHEN YOU DO YOURSELF UP.

YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO OFFER.

UNLESS THEY'VE GOT SOME
LOLLY, I'M NOT OFFERING IT.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

I'M KEEPING AN EYE
OPEN ON MY OWN BEHALF.

OH.

THERE ARE A LOT OF
MEN OF PROPERTY ABOUT

IN THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY.

AND IF I FIND ONE,
I SHALL POUNCE!

YES.

DO YOU WANT ME TO
HELP YOU PUT IT UP?

OH, THANK YOU.

THERE. THEY'LL DRY IN NO TIME.

WE'D BETTER GO AND
TACKLE THE INTERIOR.

THAT MR. MOULTERD,
HE'S GOT HIS EYE ON YOU.

AH! DON'T THINK I
HAVEN'T NOTICED.

YOU KNOW I'M NOT SNOBBISH,

BUT HE IS A BIT
BELOW MY STATION.

REAL SON OF THE SOIL, ISN'T HE?

AND MOST OF IT IS
UNDER HIS FINGERNAILS.

( motor rumbling )

WHAT SILLY COW PUT THAT THERE?

DON'T ANSWER HIM, MISS BRAHMS.

THAT'S THE THROTTLE,
THAT'S THE CLUTCH.

CAREFUL WITH THE
THROTTLE, IT'S A BIT STICKY.

- WHERE'S THE BRAKE?
- THERE ISN'T ONE. START HER UP.

OH, YES, HEH HEH.

( rattles )

OH. RIGHT.

( rattles )

I SUPPOSE THERE'S A KNACK?

IT JUST NEEDS A QUICK PULL.

ALLOW ME.

( engine starts )

GET ON.

NOW JUST RELEASE THE CLUTCH,

AND AWAY YOU GO.

SEE YOU LATER.

YEOW!

YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!

TURN AT THE TOP AND
COME BACK THE OTHER WAY!

I SAY, YOU, NIGEL MANSEL!

NO NEED TO MOW THE VERGES,

THE COUNCIL WILL
DO THAT, MADCAP.

( Mavis humming )

OH, MR. HUMPHRIES,

YOU'RE BRINGING THAT
FLOOR UP A FAIR TREAT.

I THINK I'VE GOT
HOUSEMAID'S KNEE.

OH DEAR, HAVE YOU HAD IT BEFORE?

YES, AS A MATTER OF
FACT, I'VE GOT IT IN ME HAND.

MY MOTHER HAD QUITE A SHOCK.

YOU NEED A REST.

GIVE ME A HAND WITH THE STEW.

ALL RIGHT.

RIGHT. WE'VE DONE THE
CARROTS AND THE PARSNIPS.

- GIVE ME A HAND
WITH THE ONIONS.
- WHAT DO WE DO?

PEEL 'EM AND CHOP
'EM, DIP 'EM IN THE WATER

AND YOU DON'T GET THEM
IN YOUR EYES AS MUCH.

OH, MY MOTHER USED TO DO THAT.

YOU TALK ABOUT
YOUR MOTHER A LOT.

WHEN DID YOU FINALLY LEAVE HOME?

THURSDAY.

HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN MARRIED?

NO, NEVER.

I NEVER FOUND MISS RIGHT.

SEEMS LIKE YOUR
LIFE'S BEEN A BIT LONELY.

OH, YES. I SUPPOSE SO.

STILL, I'VE HAD A GOOD LIFE.

I'VE HAD SOME
LOVELY CHRISTMASES.

( both sniffing )

I GOT A LOT OF CARDS.

THE MILKMAN, AND THE
DUSTMAN USED TO COME IN...

AND HAVE A DRINK
AND TELL A FEW JOKES.

WE DID LAUGH.

I'VE BEEN ON SOME
NICE HOLIDAYS AS WELL.

I USED TO GO TO
WESTON-SUPER-MARE,

PADDLE AND LISTEN TO THE BAND.

I OFTEN USED TO THINK TO MYSELF,

"ARE OTHER PEOPLE
HAVING THIS MUCH FUN?"

IT'S NICE TO HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES

YOU CAN LAUGH ABOUT.

I'VE HAD A LOVELY LIFE
HERE IN THE COUNTRY.

AND IT'S BEEN A LOT HAPPIER
SINCE YOU'VE BEEN HERE.

( both sob )

( vacuum cleaner humming )

ARE THOSE FLOWERS HEAVY?

PARDON?

I SAID, "ARE THEM
FLOWERS HEAVY?"

MISS BRAHMS, IF
YOU ARE INFERRING

THAT I AM NOT PULLING MY WEIGHT,

MAY I REMIND YOU I HAVE VACUUMED

THIS ENTIRE ROOM

WHILE YOU WERE
UNWRAPPING LOO ROLLS,

WHICH IS HARDLY EXHAUSTING.

MIND YOU, I DON'T
THINK THESE CARPETS

WILL NEED DOING
AGAIN IN A HURRY.

MOST OF THE PATTERN
WENT UP THE PIPE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE
DONE TO THAT VACUUM.

THERE'S HARDLY ANY SUCK LEFT.

I'VE HAD THE SAME DEAD MOTH UP THE
NOZZLE THREE TIMES... KEEPS FALLING OUT.

IF YOU ASK ME, THE SOONER
THE STAFF GET HERE, THE BETTER.

I'LL SECOND THAT.

I MUST CONGRATULATE YOU
ON THE STEW, MR. HUMPHRIES.

MIND YOU, THE GRAVY
WAS A BIT SALTY.

WE CRIED A LOT INTO THE ONIONS.

I SHOULD LIKE TO CONGRATULATE YOU
ALL ON YOUR EFFORTS THIS MORNING.

THE FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS
LOOKED PARTICULARLY EFFECTIVE,

AND THE CARPET CAME
UP REMARKABLY WELL.

YEAH. MOST OF IT
CAME UP THE VACUUM.

I AM NOT, HOWEVER, SO
PLEASED ABOUT THE LAWNS.

THE STRIPES SHOULD
GO UP AND DOWN,

NOT ROUND AND ROUND IN A CIRCLE.

THAT WAS THE SECOND
TIME THE THROTTLE STUCK.

I ALSO HAD A COMPLAINT
YOU WERE SEEN

DRIVING THE MOWER
ON THE PUBLIC HIGHWAY.

THAT WAS THE FIRST
TIME THE THROTTLE STUCK.

THERE'S ALSO THE QUESTION
OF WHAT YOU INTEND TO DO

ABOUT THE HOLE IN THE HEDGE?

I HAVE A SUGGESTION ABOUT THAT.

WHAT IS THAT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

I'M GOING TO SUGGEST THAT YOU GET
OUT THERE AND STUFF IT UP YOURSELF.

I AM NOT USED TO BEING
SPOKEN TO LIKE THAT!

YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT!
WE'RE NOT IN THE STORE NOW!

NOW THEN. THAT'S
ENOUGH OF THAT BICKERING.

CROSS WORDS MAKE CROSS FACES.

WE DON'T WANT THEM AT THE TABLE.

AND YOU MR. RUMBOLD, WHAT DO
YOU MEAN BY LEAVING THOSE POTATOES?

WE'RE NOT HAVING SAUCY
PLATES 'ROUND HERE.

WASTE NOT, WANT NOT...

NOW EAT 'EM UP OR
YOU GET NO PUDDING.

( mumbles ) I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.

DON'T YOU TALK WITH
YOUR MOUTH FULL.

YOU SHOULD DO A BIT
MORE WORK 'ROUND HERE.

MR. HUMPHRIES
NEARLY DONE HIMSELF IN,

RODDING THIS MORNING.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU
WISH TO SAY, MR. HUMPHRIES?

I THINK I'LL HAVE
MR. RUMBOLD'S POTATOES.

SORRY TO BARGE IN WHILE YOU
GOT YOUR SNOUTS IN THE TROUGH.

I'VE JUST COME TO TELL YOU

THAT I'M REAL CUT UP
ABOUT THEM SHEETS.

I SUPPOSE IT WASN'T
REALLY YOUR FAULT.

I'VE HOSED HOT WATER

IN THE COW'S DRINKING TROUGH,

PUT THE SHEETS IN TO SOAK.

WHICH SHEETS ARE THOSE?

MRS. SLOCOMBE AND I HUNG 'EM OUT TO
AIR AND HE RUN OVER 'EM IN A TRACTOR.

AND WHY WASN'T I INFORMED?

YOU WERE TOO BUSY POKING YOUR
NOSE INTO THE HOLE IN THE HEDGE.

IF YOU START AGAIN, YOU'LL
GET NO PUDDING NEITHER.

MR. MOULTERD, WAS
THE TANK CLEAN?

OH YES, I HOSED IT
OUT WITH SHEEP DIP,

AND THEN I PUT IN ONE
OF THEM DETERGENTS

LIKE THEY HAS ON TELEVISION.

ALL THEY NEED NOW IS A GOOD STIR

TO GET THE TIRE MARKS OUT.

WE BETTER GO SEE WHAT HE'S DONE.

THERE IT IS.

IT'S A HORSE TROUGH.

THAT'S WHAT WE USE IN THE
COUNTRY WHEN THERE'S A BIG JOB.

COURSE, WE USED TO
DO IT IN THE STREAM,

TILL SIR ROBERT LET
HIS COWS PAT IN IT.

MIND YOU, THAT
STREAM STILL BRINGS

MY TROUSERS UP A TREAT.

IT'S LUCKY WE'VE GOT ALL
THIS MODERN EQUIPMENT.

IT'S NO GOOD YOU
ALL LOOKING AT IT.

MR. HUMPHRIES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

TAKE YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS OFF.

HUH?

ROLL UP YOUR TROUSERS

AND GET IN AND
TEASEL THE DIRT OUT.

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?

TUCK YOUR SKIRTS
IN YOUR KNICKERS.

MR. MOULTERD!

WHY SHOULD YOU WORRY?
I'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE.

YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT ALL BEFORE!

COME ON, TEASELING'S GOOD FUN.

COME ON IN. THE WATER'S
LOVELY AND WARM.

YOU CAN'T TEASEL
WITHOUT A TEASELING SONG.

DAD'S KNOWN ALL
OVER FOR HIS TEASELING.

I KNEW YOU'D BE A
GOOD SPORT AND JOIN IN.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

( concertina plays )

♪ TEASEL DUM AND TEASEL DEE ♪

♪ TEASEL TILL
IT'S TIME FOR TEA ♪

♪ TEASEL LEFT AND TEASEL RIGHT ♪

♪ TILL THE SHEETS
ARE NICE AND WHITE. ♪

ALL TOGETHER.

( all sing ) ♪ TEASEL
DUM AND TEASEL DEE ♪

♪ TEASEL TILL
IT'S TIME FOR TEA ♪

♪ TEASEL LEFT AND TEASEL RIGHT ♪

♪ TEASEL TILL THE
SHEETS ARE WHITE. ♪

CATCHY LITTLE THING, ISN'T IT?

♪ LIFT OUT THE DIRT
AND OUT THE STAIN ♪

♪ TILL IT'S TEASELING
TIME AGAIN ♪

♪ TEASEL UP AND TEASEL DOWN ♪

♪ MAKE'S YOUR TROUSERS
NICE AND BROWN. ♪

( concertina continues playing )

THERE. THAT'LL DO.

THEY'RE STILL A BIT DAMP.

THEY'LL DRY OFF ON THE RACK.

STILL A FAINT
AROMA OF SHEEP DIP.

BUNG SOME AIR FRESHENER ON 'EM.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

NOW WHAT SHALL WE HAVE?

"EVENING DEW" OR "AUTUMN
VERBENA SURPRISE"?

DON'T USE THAT ONE,
IT'S OVEN CLEANER.

WE DON'T WANT TO
GO TEASELING AGAIN.

STAND BACK.

AH, I HAVE GOOD NEWS.

( sniffing )

SOME APPLICANTS HAVE ARRIVED
FOR THE STAFF APPOINTMENTS.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ARE
YOU FREE TO INTERVIEW?

I SHALL BE IN A MOMENT.

I'LL FINISH THESE OFF.

YOU RUN ALONG, MR. HUMPHRIES,

AND DO YOUR INTERVIEWING.

OFF YOU ALL GO.

I'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA WAITING
FOR YOU WHEN YOU'VE DONE.

WE'LL INTERVIEW
THEM IN THE MAIN HALL.

THIS IS NOW A MATTER
OF SOME URGENCY,

AS MR. FROBISHER OF
THE TRAVEL AGENCY

IS ARRANGING FOR A PHOTOGRAPHER
TO COME TOMORROW MORNING

TO TAKE A PICTURE OF THE
STAFF FOR THE NEW BROCHURE.

BEFORE WE START,

CAN WE AGREE WHAT
QUALITIES WE'RE LOOKING FOR?

HARD WORKERS.

AND THEY MUST HAVE
GOOD REFERENCES.

THEY MUST BE GAME FOR A TEASEL.

THEY MUST BE CHEAP.

MR. MOULTERD IS HOLDING
THEM BACK IN THE BILLIARD ROOM.

- HOW MANY ARE THERE?
- AT THE MOMENT...

TWO.

COULD WE HAVE THE FIRST ONE?

MRS. CLEGHAMPTON.

AH, MRS. CLEGHAMPTON.

MRS. CLEGHAMPTON IS APPLYING
FOR THE POST OF CHAMBERMAID.

GOOD AFTERNOON. DO SIT DOWN.

PERHAPS YOU'D GIVE US YOUR C.V.?

YOUR WHAT?

YOUR C.V.

NO, I'M A LAPSED CATHOLIC.

WHAT WAS YOUR LAST POSITION?

I WAS IN MADAME
TUSSAUD'S FOR 10 YEARS.

WHAT SECTION DID
THEY PUT YOU IN?

HISTORICAL.

REALLY?

THERE'S NOT A MONARCH
WHO HASN'T HAD

MY FEATHER DUSTER
UP HIS REGALIA.

I WAS THERE FOR 10
YEARS, AND I ENDED UP

IN THE "CHAMBER OF HORRORS."

BRIDE IN THE BATH.

DID YOU LEAVE OF
YOUR OWN VOLITION?

NO, I LEFT BY AMBULANCE.

I GET THESE DIZZY
SPELLS, YOU SEE.

ARE YOU ACQUAINTED
WITH A VACUUM CLEANER?

OH, YES. BUT I DON'T DO STAIRS.

WHAT ABOUT WASHING UP?

NO, I CAN'T PUT ME
HANDS IN DETERGENT,

THEY ALL COME UP.

CAN YOU MAKE BEDS?

OH YES.

BUT I CAN'T CHANGE
SHEETS AND PILLOW CASES.

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

I USED TO TRAP THE
PILLOW UNDER ME CHIN,

BUT SINCE I HAD MY
OPERATION, I'M NOT VERY GOOD...

YES, WELL THANK YOU,
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON.

I THINK WHAT WE HAVE IN MIND
FOR YOU IS PERHAPS TOO ARDUOUS.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

I DON'T THINK SHE'S GOING
TO MAKE IT TO THE DOOR.

OH, MR. RUMBOLD,
BE GENTLE WITH HER.

OF COURSE. NEXT!

OH, THE NEXT ONE IS MR. VOLPONE.

HE'S BEEN A FIRST CLASS WAITER

FOR 30 YEARS IN BRISTOL,

MANCHESTER, GLASGOW,
LONDON AND EDINBURGH.

IN HOTELS?

RESTAURANT CARS, BRITISH RAIL.

MAVIS GOT THE TEA MADE,

AND MR. VOLPONE IS JUST WAITING

TO DEMONSTRATE HIS SKILL

BY BRINGING IT TO YOU.

30 YEARS AS A
RESTAURANT CAR ATTENDANT

IS A PRETTY GOOD RECOMMENDATION.

SHOW HIM IN.

MR. VOLPONE.

I THINK HE'S BEEN
SHUNTED INTO A SIDING.

ANY MORE FOR THE FIRST SITTING?

MIND THE DOORS.

I OUGHT TO MENTION THAT THE
UNIFORM GOES WITH THE JOB.

HE'S GOT YESTERDAY'S
LUNCH MENU DOWN IT.

THANK YOU, MR. VOLPONE.
WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.

I'M ON THE 8:45 TO EDINBURGH.

YOU CAN GET IN TOUCH WITH
ME AT DARLINGTON BECAUSE

THE STATION MASTER THERE WILL
HOLD A BOARD UP WITH A MESSAGE ON IT.

BUT DON'T MAKE IT TOO LONG.

IT'S AN EXPRESS.

( dishes crashing )

WELL, THAT'S IT THEN.

OH, I'M FROBISHER,
THE TRAVEL AGENT.

I'M SORRY,

I COULDN'T GET THE
PHOTOGRAPHER FOR TOMORROW,

SO HE'LL BE HERE
AT 6:00 THIS EVENING.

HAVE THE STAFF
STANDING BY ABOUT FIVE TO.

SORRY, MUST DASH.

THE PLACE IS
LOOKING FIRST CLASS.

LOVE THE WHIRLY
EFFECT ON THE LAWN.

SEE YOU.

WELL, MR. RUMBOLD?

I DON'T SEE HOW WE CAN
OPEN WITHOUT A STAFF.

BUT IF WE DON'T OPEN
WE DON'T COP THE LOLLY.

YOU'D BETTER GET OFF
YOUR BACKSIDES, HADN'T YOU?

I'VE DONE MORE THAN MY SHARE...

( all arguing )

QUIET DOWN! THAT DOES IT!

YOU'RE ALL ARGUING AGAIN.

YOU'LL GET NO SUPPER.

EXCEPT FOR YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

YOU AND ME WILL HAVE
A LITTLE NIBBLE UPSTAIRS.

( theme music playing )