Are You Being Served? Again! (1992–1993): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

( theme music playing )

( humming )

MORNING, MAVIS.

GOOD MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES.

WHY ARE YOU DRAWING
FACES ON THE EGGS?

WELL, THE ONE'S WITH THE MOUTHS
GOING DOWN ARE THE SOFT ONES,

THE ONES WITH THE LITTLE SMILE

ARE A BIT FIRMER

AND THE ONES WITH THE BIG
SMILE ARE THE HARD ONES.

PUT ME DOWN FOR A HOPEFUL GRIN.

YOU WERE RESTLESS
IN BED LAST NIGHT.



THAT WAS YOUR FAULT. YOU ROLLED
OVER AND TOOK ALL THE BED CLOTHES.

DID I? I'M SORRY.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

DESPITE ANY RUMORS YOU MAY
HAVE HEARD TO THE CONTRARY,

ALL MY LIFE I HAVE SLEPT ALONE.

APART FROM WILFRED.

- WHO'S WILFRED?
- MY TEDDY BEAR.

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S NICE TO
HAVE SOMEONE TO CHAT TO?

ROUND THESE PARTS,

WE OFTEN BUNK UP
TOGETHER TO KEEP WARM.

IT DOESN'T WORK IF
YOU PINCH THE BLANKETS.

YOU SHOULD TUG THEM BACK AGAIN.

THAT'S HALF THE FUN.

I WON'T ASK WHAT
THE OTHER HALF IS.



I USED TO HAVE TERRIBLE
TUSSLES WITH THE LAST CHEF.

HE WERE A QUIET LAD LIKE YOU.

LAD...

I HAVEN'T HEARD
THAT FOR A LONG TIME.

I USED TO BRING HIM OUT OF
HIMSELF WITH A PILLOW FIGHT.

YOU KNOW HOW TO GET
ON WITH PEOPLE, DON'T YOU?

I ALWAYS SAY PEOPLE
IS LIKE HOUSES...

YOU NEVER KNOW WHO LIVES IN THEM

TILL YOU KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

PEOPLE HAVE KNOCKED, BUT
MY MOTHER ALWAYS ANSWERED.

WE'RE NEARLY OUT OF MILK.

THERE'LL BE SOME IN THE COOLER.

- MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- GOOD MORNING, MISS BRAHMS.

HOW ARE YOU THIS MORNING?

HE'S CROSS BECAUSE I
PINCHED ALL THE BLANKETS.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

IT'S NOT WHAT I
THINK, WE ALL THINK IT.

APPARENTLY IT'S QUITE
NORMAL IN THE COUNTRY.

YOU'D THINK THEY'D
WAIT TO BE ASKED.

MRS. SLOCOMBE IS
IN A TERRIBLE STATE

ABOUT GOING TO COURT TODAY.

I BLAME CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE LET HER

MOVE THAT GYPSY HORSE
AND CART ON HER OWN.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT
MADE THE HORSE BOLT.

IT PROBABLY LOOKED
AROUND, SAW WHO WAS DRIVING

AND TRIED TO GET AWAY.

GOOD MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES...

- MISS BRAHMS.
- MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

YOU LOOK VERY FORMAL.

I HAVEN'T SEEN
YOU WEAR THAT SUIT

SINCE YOU WERE A FLOOR
WALKER AT GRACE BROTHERS.

I'M A KEY WITNESS IN THE CASE
OF THE CROWN V. MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OH, BLIMEY, CRIPPIN'S BIRD.

COME SIT DOWN, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I'VE JUST MADE A POT OF TEA.

THANK YOU.

IT'S ONLY A COUNTRY COURT.

IT'S NOT NUREMBURG.

IT'S ALL SO HUMILIATING.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME
I'VE BEEN IN COURT.

WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME YOU
WAS LEGLESS IN BENIDORM?

YOU KNOCKED THAT
POLICEMAN'S HAT OFF,

FIRED HIS PISTOL IN THE
AIR AND SHOUTED OUT,

"FRANCO'S A BERK."

FRANCO WAS VERY
UNPOPULAR AT THE TIME.

I WAS MERELY EXPRESSING
THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE.

YOU DO LOOK SMART,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

YOU'LL MAKE A RIGHT
STIR IN THE COURT.

THEY ONLY GET
DRUNKS AS A RULE...

OR DAD, FOR SHEEP WORRYING.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD A DOG.

HE HASN'T, BUT HE
WORRIES THEM ALL THE SAME.

GOOD MORNING. DON'T GET UP.

I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS.

MESSIEURS THORPE,
THORPE, & THORPE,

MR. GRACE'S FAMILY
SOLICITORS HAVE AGREED

TO CONDUCT THE
CASE ON OUR BEHALF.

WHO HAVE THEY APPOINTED?

MR. THORPE.

I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

A LOCAL MAN WAS
BETTER QUALIFIED.

I DECIDED THE BENCH WOULD BE
MORE IMPRESSED BY A LONDON FIRM.

THE WHOLE THING'S RIDICULOUS. THE
CASE WILL BE THROWN OUT IN TWO MINUTES.

IT SHOULD NEVER
HAVE BEEN BROUGHT.

SORRY TO BARGE IN

WHEN YOU GOT YOUR
SNOUTS IN THE TROUGH.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE PAPERS?

YOU LOTS FRONT
PAGE HEADLINE NEWS.

LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

"PENSIONARY RUMPUS
OVER STOLEN CAR."

THEY MUST BE
REFERRING TO THAT GYPSY.

DO THEY MENTION ME?

YES, YOU'RE THE PENSIONER.

YOU'VE HAD YOUR PHOTO TOOK.

HE SNAPPED YOU ON THE
CART PASSING THE POST OFFICE.

IS IT A GOOD LIKENESS?

IT'S GOOD OF YOUR BLOOMERS.

( Moulterd cackling )

HOW "IGNOMONIOUS!"

DON'T WORRY. THEY
CAN'T SEE YOUR FACE.

COULD BE ANYBODY'S BLOOMERS.

IT'S SAYS, "MRS. E. SLOCOMBE
OF MILLSTONE MANOR,

WAS ARRESTED AND
CHARGED WITH TAKING AWAY

A TOTTER'S CART WITHOUT CONSENT,

AND DRIVING IT IN A
DANGEROUS MANNER.

MRS. SLOCOMBE
REFUSED TO GIVE HER AGE,

BUT THE MERCURY REPORTER
RECOVERED HER BUS PASS

FROM THE FLOOR OF
THE SHATTERED CART.

WHEN CHARGED, SHE REPLIED,

'IT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND
I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT.'"

THERE'S A BIT MORE.

"A WITNESS, CORPORAL PEACOCK..."

A MISPRINT.

"AGE 37..."

ANOTHER MISPRINT.

"SAID HE HAD WARNED HER
AGAINST TAKING THE CAR

BUT SHE HAD IGNORED HIS ADVICE."

HOW COULD YOU?

I SAID NOTHING OF THE KIND.

I SAID I ADVISED CAUTION
WHEN MOVING THE CART.

AND THAT YOU DIDN'T
TAKE ANY NOTICE.

THIS IS TRIAL BY MEDIA.

WE SHOULD COMPLAIN
TO THE PRESS COUNCIL.

YOU'LL BE UP BEFORE SIR ROBERT.

HE'S EVER SO
STRICT, BUT HE'S FAIR.

HE'S MASTER OF THE FOXHOUNDS.

I DON'T SUPPOSE
HE'LL LET THE FACT

YOUR CAT RUINED THE
HUNT COUNT AGAINST YOU.

DOESN'T ANYONE ANSWER
THE PHONE AROUND HERE?

WE DIDN'T HEAR IT RING.

I WAS HAVING A BATH. I
HAD TO CLIMB OUT ALL WET.

VERY CHARMING YOU LOOK.

DID ANYONE ORDER A TAXI?

- YES, I DID.
- IT'S NOT COMING.

APPARENTLY, THE BIG END'S GONE.

THAT'S VERY SERIOUS.

HOW ARE WE GOING
TO GET TO THE COURT?

I SUPPOSE I COULD FERRY YOU

ONE BY ONE ON MY MOTORCYCLE.

MY DAD'S GOT
MARKET THIS MORNING.

HE CAN GIVE YOU A LIFT.

- WHAT TIME IS HE LEAVING?
- IN ABOUT 10 MINUTES.

I'LL TELL HIM TO WAIT
FOR YOU IN THE YARD.

I FOR ONE WILL BE
ONLY TOO PLEASED

TO TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF YOUR KIND OFFER.

I'LL GET INTO MY LEATHERS.
HAVE YOU GOT ANY?

NO, I'LL GO AS I AM.

- WHERE SHALL I MEET YOU?
- BEHIND THE BIKE SHED.

AH... HAPPY DAYS.

MISS LOVELOCK.

OH, MISS LOVELOCK?

I SAY.

( engine revving )

Commentator: And there
they are revving up at the start

of the world championship.

They're off! Away they go!

Peacock, a magnificent start

despite the fact he's the
oldest man in the race, at 37!

And my word,

he's gone ahead like a teenager.

With a nerve of iron he
goes into the first corner.

The man who's
taught Barry Sheene

everything he knows
is leading the field.

His machine, of course
prepared by the mechanic,

Jessica Lovelock,

with whom it is said he
has a romantic attachment.

Can he keep up this
amazing daredevil performance

for 100 grueling laps?

There's no doubt about
it, there's only one name

that's going to be on
everyone's lips this season.

- Miss Lovelock:
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
- OH... YES?

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN BEFORE?

NO, BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A
KEEN FOLLOWER OF THE SPORT.

THAT HAT WON'T DO, I'M AFRAID

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

OH, I SAY... WHAT FUN.

NOW HOLD ME FIRMLY.

YES.

KEEP YOUR BODY RELAXED.

DON'T STIFFEN UP.

I'LL TRY NOT TO.

WE'LL START UP AND
HAVE A RUN AROUND

TO GIVE YOU A CHANCE
TO GET THE FEEL OF IT.

VISORS DOWN. HERE WE GO.

( engine revs )

( tires squeal )

AHHH!

( screeching )

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
YOU CAN LET GO NOW.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK!

CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?

I TOLD YOU NOT TO STIFFEN UP!

ON SECOND THOUGHTS,
MISS LOVELOCK,

I THINK I'LL TAKE THE
ALTERNATIVE TRANSPORT.

DAD'S JUST COMING.

HE HAD TROUBLE GETTING IT GOING.

I'M AM NOT GOING IN
THAT, FOR A START...

AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT.

SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.

I HAD TO USE THE HANDLE
AND MY APPLIANCE SLIPPED.

IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO?

NO, DOCTOR SAID IT
WAS BEST LEFT ALONE.

NOW LET'S GET THE
OLD SOW ABOARD.

I'LL THANK YOU TO KEEP A
CIVIL TONGUE IN YOUR HEAD!

DAD MEANS THE ONE
WE'RE TAKING TO MARKET.

GIVE ME A HAND WITH THE PIGLETS.

YOU LOT STAND THIS
SIDE OF THE WIRE

AND I'LL HAND THEM TO YOU.

DAD MUSTN'T LIFT HEAVY WEIGHTS.

( thumping )

HE MUST BE ADJUSTING
HIS APPLIANCE.

( pig squealing )

STOP WIGGLING.

NOW, NOW, NOW,

DON'T PANIC. IT'S ONLY ME.

NOW THEN. COME ALONG.

( squeals )

DO YOU KNOW, IT'S RIGHT
PUTTING ME OFF BACON.

THERE YOU ARE.

FANCY TRAVELING WITH PIGS.

ANYTHING'S BETTER
THAN THE BAKERLOO LINE.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
TRAVELING BY MOTORCYCLE.

I GAVE UP MY SEAT
TO MR. RUMBOLD.

- WHERE'S THE CAR?
- THIS IS IT.

ALL ABOARD.

I DO THIS UNDER PROTEST.

- WHAT'S THAT NOISE?
- THAT'S THE PIGS.

DAD'S TAKING THEM TO MARKET.

OH!

I WOULDN'T SIT
DOWN IF I WERE YOU.

HOLD ON. WE'RE OFF!

HOLD ON TO THE
SIDE, MR. HUMPHRIES!

WE DON'T WANT YOU
STRAINING YOURSELF.

GOODBYE AND GOOD LUCK.

THIS PUTS ME IN MIND
OF "A TALE OF TWO CITIES,"

WHEN THE ARISTOCRATS
WERE BEING TAKEN IN A TUMBREL

TO MEET MADAME GUILLOTINE.

YES, I BET IT PONGED
IN THEM DAYS 'AN ALL.

HOW'S THE PIGS?

THEY'RE ENJOYING THE JOURNEY...

VERY RELAXED.

GOOD MORNING.

Together: GOOD
MORNING, MR. THORPE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, WE ALWAYS SEEM
TO MEET IN SAD CIRCUMSTANCES.

IS EVERYTHING READY?

IT'S NOT THE USUAL
TYPE OF LITIGATION

HANDLED BY THORPE,
THORPE & THORPE.

NORMALLY WE DEAL IN DIVORCE,

RENT ARREARS,
THAT SORT OF THING.

I THINK I PREPARED
A PRETTY GOOD CASE.

- AND WHAT IS IT?
- THAT WE PLEAD GUILTY.

I REFUSE TO HAVE A
STAIN ON MY ESCUTCHEON

BY PLEADING GUILTY.

I WAS MERELY REMOVING A HORSE

THAT WAS OBSTRUCTING
THE HIGHWAY.

THERE WAS A SIMILAR
CASE SOME TIME AGO,

WHEN A HORSE WAS REMOVED
IN LIKE CIRCUMSTANCES...

CROWN V. TUPPEN.

WHAT WAS THE JUDGMENT?

HE WAS HANGED AT TYBURN.

ATTRACTED A PRETTY GOOD CROWD.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU DON'T
GO IN THERE AND TELL THEM

YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE
HORSE WAS A NUTTER,

OTHERWISE YOU'D NEVER
HAVE TRIED TO SHIFT IT

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE,

I HARDLY LIKE TO
ASK THIS, BUT...

HAVE YOU ANY
PREVIOUS CONVICTIONS?

ONE, IN BENIDORM.

I WAS REFERRING TO THIS COUNTRY.

SOME YEARS AGO,

I WAS WALKING THE
STREETS OF SOHO...

OH, DEAR. YOU WERE ON THE GAME.

WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?

I WAS WALKING THE STREETS
OF SOHO LOOKING FOR A TAXI

WITH MY FRIEND, MRS. AXELBY,

AND WE BUMPED INTO A POLICEMAN

AND INADVERTENTLY
KNOCKED OFF HIS HELMET.

JUST LIKE BENIDORM.

SHUT UP.

UNFORTUNATELY,

HE WAS A YOUNG,
INEXPERIENCED POLICEMAN

AND VERY FOOLISHLY
THOUGHT WE WERE TIPSY.

AND WHAT HAPPENED?

40 SHILLINGS AND A CAUTION.

I SEE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANT TO PLEAD GUILTY?

CERTAINLY NOT.

SHE IS A FINE UPSTANDING
MEMBER OF THIS COMMUNITY.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

EXCEPT WHEN SHE'S
HAD A FEW GINS.

SORRY WE'RE LATE.

I WAS GETTING INTO MY LEATHERS.

BLIMEY, HE'S WEARING
A WHOLE COW.

THE MAGISTRATES ARE
ABOUT TO TAKE THEIR SEATS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD LUCK, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

YOU STAY OUT HERE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

YOU'RE OUR STAR WITNESS.

WHAT'S ALREADY GOT A
CRIMINAL RECORD FOR SPEEDING.

Clerk: COURT WILL RISE.

CALL MRS. E. SLOCOMBE.

MRS. E. SLOCOMBE.

HEY, YOU! STAND UP.

- WHAT ME?
- YES, YOU.

I'M TELLING YOU HERE AND
NOW THAT I WON'T STAND FOR

ANY NONSENSE FROM
YOU HELL'S ANGELS TYPES.

THE FIRST HINT OF A DISTURBANCE

AND YOU'RE OUT OF THIS
COURT AND INTO THE CELLS.

IS THAT CLEAR?

I THINK YOU'VE GOT
THE WRONG IMPRESSION.

DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!

THAT'S IT. TAKE HIM OUT.

WHAT?

IT'S RIDICULOUS FOR SOMEONE
YOUR AGE TO DRESS LIKE THAT.

DAMNED BEATNIKS.

IT'S GOING VERY WELL SO FAR.

ARE YOU MRS. E. SLOCOMBE
OF MILLSTONE MANOR?

I AM SHE.

ARE WE ALLOWED TO
SEE THE ACCUSED'S FACE,

OR IS THERE SOME FEATURE
OF HER PHYSIOGNOMY

THAT SHE DOES NOT
WISH THE WORLD TO SEE?

Thorpe: WOULD YOU
REMOVE THE VEIL?

THE CHARGE IS THAT ON
THE 25th DAY OF THIS MONTH,

AT APPROXIMATELY MIDDAY,

YOU DID DRIVE AWAY
ONE HORSE AND CART

WITHOUT THE CONSENT
OF THE OWNER.

DO YOU PLEAD
GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY?

NOT GUILTY.

INSPECTOR.

I INTEND TO CALL ONLY ONE
WITNESS ON THE FIRST CHARGE.

THE OWNER OF THE CART...

CALL MR. JOSEPH LEE.

MR. JOSEPH LEE.

I DON'T GIVE MUCH FOR
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S CHANCES

WITH THAT DAMN MAGISTRATE.

HE IMPLIED I WAS A HOOLIGAN.

I THINK I'VE GOT A
CASE FOR SLANDER.

I'M ABSOLUTELY BOILING.

I'M NOT SURPRISED,
IN THAT OUTFIT.

TAKE YOUR JACKET OFF.

WHERE WERE YOU AT THE TIME

OF THE THEFT OF THE CART?

I OBJECT.

IT'S NOT BEEN ESTABLISHED
THAT IT WAS STOLEN.

ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE
LONDON LAWYERS?

YES, YOUR WORSHIP.

WELL, DON'T TRY ANY OF
THAT "LA LAW" STUFF ON HERE.

CARRY ON.

WHERE WERE YOU AT THE SAID TIME?

I WAS BEHIND THE
HEDGE HAVING A SLASH.

WHAT WAS THAT?

HE WAS TRIMMING THE HEDGE.

DID YOU GIVE YOUR CONSENT TO

THIS LADY DRIVING
AWAY YOUR VEHICLE?

CERTAINLY NOT.

NOTHING FURTHER YOUR WORSHIP.

YOUR TURN, MR. THORPE.

GET ON WITH IT! WE DON'T
WANT TO BE HERE ALL DAY.

UH, NO QUESTIONS.

JUST A MINUTE!

I'VE GOT A QUESTION.

HIS HORSE WAS
BLOCKING THE HIGHWAY.

HOW DOES HE KNOW, IF
HE WAS BEHIND THE HEDGE

DOING WHAT HE SAYS HE WAS DOING,

THAT IT WAS ME AND NOT
SOMEBODY THAT LOOKED LIKE ME?

WE KNOW DAMN WELL IT WAS YOU.

THERE'S NOBODY ELSE LIKE YOU.

I INTEND TO CALL NO FURTHER
WITNESSES ON THE FIRST CHARGE.

STAND DOWN.

MR. THORPE.

BY WAY OF REBUTTING
THIS INCIDENT,

I WANT TO SHOW THAT
THE WHOLE SORRY AFFAIR

WAS ENTIRELY ACCIDENTAL.

MAY I CALL CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

CALL CAPTAIN PEACOCK!

CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

GOOD LUCK, PEACOCK. DON'T
LET THEM BROW-BEAT YOU.

YOU'LL BE PLEASED TO HEAR

I GOT A GOOD PRICE FOR THE PIGS.

WELL DONE.

SURPRISED TO SEE
YOU NOT IN COURT.

I DECIDED TO WAIT OUT HERE.

BEFORE WE START, I
THINK IT WOULD BE HELPFUL

IF WE REFERRED TO
YOUR WAR RECORD.

I RETURNED WITH THE
RANK OF HONORARY CAPTAIN.

- NAVY?
- NO, ARMY.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK
SERVED WITH ALEXANDER...

IN THE RAGTIME BAND.

GENERAL ALEXANDER,

AND MONTGOMERY, AND EISENHOWER.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK HAD
A DISTINGUISHED RECORD

UNTIL HE WAS INVALIDED OUT

JUST BEFORE THE FINAL
ASSAULT ON TOBRUCK,

WITH AN INGROWING TOENAIL.

I'M SURPRISED HE
HASN'T MENTIONED

HIS HAND-TO-HAND
COMBAT WITH ROMMEL.

THAT JUST COMES OUT
AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.

HOW'S IT GOING?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK HAS BEEN
SPEAKING FOR 20 MINUTES

AND HASN'T SAID ANYTHING.

ONE OF THE LADY MAGISTRATES
HAS JUST BEEN WOKEN UP

BY SIR ROBERT.

I CYCLED OVER WITH A PHEASANT.

WELL DONE.

WE'LL SLIP IT TO THE CLERK,

AND HE CAN GIVE
IT TO SIR ROBERT.

GOOD HEAVENS, YOU'RE NOT
TRYING TO FIX THE MAGISTRATE?

WE DO THINGS DIFFERENT
IN THE COUNTRY.

I HOPE YOU'LL BE
DISCREET ABOUT IT.

OH, DON'T YOU WORRY.

I WOULD LIKE TO
CALL MR. HUMPHRIES

AS A CHARACTER WITNESS.

WHOSE CHARACTER
ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

MRS. SLOCOMBE'S.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THEN.

NAME?

WILBERFORCE
CLAYBOURNE HUMPHRIES.

YOU WEREN'T UNDER
ALEXANDER, MONTGOMERY,

AND EISENHOWER WERE YOU?

NO, I KEPT MYSELF TO MYSELF.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
WAS IN THE BOYS' BRIGADE.

HAVE YOU KNOWN MRS.
SLOCOMBE A LONG TIME?

OH, YEARS AND YEARS.

AND YEARS, AND YEARS,
AND YEARS, AND YEARS...

NOT THAT LONG, MR. HUMPHRIES.

WE STARTED AT GRACE
BROTHERS TOGETHER.

IN THOSE DAYS, SHE WAS IN BRAS

AND I WAS IN SOCKS AND Y FRONTS.

WERE YOU LIVING WITH THE WOMAN?

OH, NO. THAT WAS OUR WORK.

AND MAY I SAY, MRS.
SLOCOMBE IS AS HONEST

AS THE DAY IS LONG AND
WOULD NEVER TELL A LIE.

I STAKE MY REPUTATION ON THAT.

BANG GOES THE CASE
FOR THE DEFENSE.

I'M AFRAID MR. THORPE'S MAKING
RATHER HEAVY WEATHER OF IT.

CALL MISS SHIRLEY BRAHMS.

OH GOD, HE'S CALLING
MISS BRAHMS NOW.

SHE'S BOUND TO
PUT HER FOOT IN IT.

NAME?

SHIRLEY BRAHMS, YOUR GRACE.

NOW, MISS BRAHMS,

YOU'VE KNOWN MRS. SLOCOMBE
FOR A VERY LONG TIME?

OH, NOT ANOTHER ONE.

YES, WE WAS IN
UNDERWEAR TOGETHER.

IF SHE SAID SHE DIDN'T DONE IT,

THEN SHE DIDN'T DONE IT.

I WOULD TAKE HER WORD ANY DAY

AGAINST THAT BLOKE WHO
WAS BEHIND THE HEDGE

DOING WHATEVER IT WAS
HE SAID HE WAS DOING.

MIND YOU, AFTER A FEW GINS,

SHE IS GAME FOR A PRANK.

BUT THIS DAY, SHE
HADN'T HAD A BEVVY.

I THINK WE'RE GETTING
INTO RATHER DEEP WATER.

BUT YOU WERE MARVELOUS.

WOULD YOU CARE TO SHARE YOUR
CONVERSATION WITH THE REST OF THE COURT?

I AM SORRY, YOUR WORSHIP.

OH, JESSICA, I DIDN'T
SEE IT WAS YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, YESTERDAY?

I GOT TOSSED... INTO A DITCH.

WILL YOU BE WITH
US THIS WEEKEND?

IF YOU'LL HAVE ME, I'D LOVE TO.

CAN I GO OR IS THERE MORE?

CALLING MR. MOULTERD.

DAD?

DAD, WAKE UP.
THEY'RE CALLING YOU.

( snores )

THEY'RE CALLING YOU.

I'VE KNOWN HER LONGER
THAN ANYBODY, HAVEN'T I?

NAME?

MAURICE MOULTERD. M-O-U-

WE KNOW.

HE HASN'T BEEN WORRYING
THE SHEEP AGAIN, HAS HE?

NO, CELIA, HE'S IN
THE WITNESS BOX.

THE COURT HAS
TAKEN NOTE OF THAT.

YOU'VE KNOWN MRS.
SLOCOMBE A LONG TIME?

YEARS AND YEARS.

YEARS AND YEARS.

THERE'S NO NEED
TO GO THAT FAR BACK.

DO YOU DOUBT HER VERACITY?

PARDON?

WOULD YOU DOUBT HER VERACITY?

SHE DEFINITELY HAD IT
WHEN I FIRST MET HER.

WOULD YOU SAY SHE WAS
EXPERIENCED IN COUNTRY MATTERS?

VERY, VERY EXPERIENCED.

SHE'D HAVE A GO AT ANYTHING.

IF I MIGHT SAY SO, SIR ROBERT,

I KNOW WHAT JOE WAS
DOING WHEN HE LEFT HIS CART.

IT WAS ON YOUR LAND, HE WAS...

AND IT WAS YOUR
PHEASANTS HE WAS POACHING.

I BROUGHT ONE ALONG
TODAY AS EVIDENCE. SEE?

EXCUSE ME ONE MOMENT
WHILE WE CONFER.

WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW?

THEY LOST ME AN HOUR AGO.

WE'LL HAVE THE
VERDICT IN A MINUTE.

WHAT DO YOU
SUPPOSE THAT WILL BE?

I'VE NO IDEA. I DON'T
KNOW WHAT SORT

OF SENTENCES THEY PASS
IN THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY.

AGREED.

HANG THE BIRD IN THE CELLAR.

I PROTEST, YOUR WORSHIP.

THERE'S NO NEED, MR. THORPE.

IT'S FIVE TILL 1:00...

I THINK WE'VE HEARD
ENOUGH OF THIS RIGMAROLE.

MR. MOULTERD HAS INTRODUCED
AN ELEMENT OF DOUBT.

COURT ADJOURNED.

COURT WILL RISE.

THERE, DIDDLES. GOOD NIGHT.

NEARLY LOST YOUR MUMMY TODAY.

AND THEN ONE WOULD
HAVE BEEN AN ORPHAN.

( knock on door )

YES?

JUST ME, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

JUST COMING TO SAY GOODNIGHT.

AREN'T YOU GOING TO
SLEEP IN HERE TONIGHT?

I'VE DRAGGED MY BED OUT NOW.

BUT I'LL STOP IF YOU LIKE.

I WOULD APPRECIATE THE COMPANY.

IT'S BEEN A VERY UNNERVING DAY.

- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
- MIND YOU...

IF I SHOULD BE VERY
RESTLESS IN MY SLEEP...

DON'T WORRY.

I SHALL PROBABLY BE TRYING
TO ESCAPE FROM CELL BLOCK "H."

( knocking on door )

MRS. SLOCOMBE, MISS BRAHMS,

IF YOU SHOULD FEEL
NERVOUS DURING THE NIGHT,

AFTER YOUR ORDEAL,
I'M NEXT DOOR.

YOU ONLY HAVE TO KNOCK.

I'LL TRY TO CONTROL MYSELF.

IN TIMES OF STRESS,

I FIND IT HELPFUL TO DO
WHAT THE TIBETANS DO.

THEY ADOPT THE LOTUS
POSITION AND HUM.

THERE'S AN ILLUSTRATION
OF IT IN THIS BOOK.

I DON'T THINK I COULD DO THAT.

COULD YOU, MISS BRAHMS?

NO, NOT WITHOUT AN
AMBULANCE STANDING BY.

IT WILL ONLY TAKE
ABOUT 10 MINUTES.

I HOPE I WON'T DISTURB YOU.

YOU SEE, EACH ORGAN
OF THE BODY RESPONDS

TO A DIFFERENT
NOTE WHEN YOU HUM.

GOOD LUCK, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

GOOD NIGHT.

( Peacock humming )

( warbling )

I WONDER WHICH ORGAN THAT WAS?

WE'VE HAD THE TOP
AND THE BOTTOM.

THAT WAS PROBABLY
SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE.

- GOOD NIGHT, MISS BRAHMS.
- GOOD NIGHT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

( Peacock hums extremely loud )

Aghh!

( telephone ringing )

HELLO.

HELLO, MOTHER.

YES, I'M SETTLING IN QUITE WELL.

I WAS IN COURT TODAY.

NO, THAT'S ALL BEHIND ME.

THIS WAS A DIFFERENT CASE.

I WASN'T IN THE DOCK.

NO, I WAS A WITNESS...
SHE GOT OFF.

I WOULD'VE PHONED YOU EARLIER

BUT I WAS PUTTING A BOLT
ON MY BEDROOM DOOR.

IT'S THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER.

SHE TENDS TO WANDER
ABOUT A BIT AT NIGHT.

I THINK SHE'S GOT HOLD OF
THE WRONG END OF THE STICK.

THE STICK.

YES, THE WRONG END OF IT.

ARE YOU ON YOUR MOBILE?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
YOU'RE GETTING A LOT OF

INTERFERENCE FROM
YOUR WALKING FRAME.

THERE'S SOMEBODY
TRYING TO GET A TAXI.

HELLO? WE'VE BEEN CUT OFF.

YOU LOCKED YOUR DOOR.

I'M STILL NOT USED TO
SLEEPING IN THE COUNTRY.

I HAD TO COME THROUGH
THE SPARE BATHROOM.

IF YOU'RE NERVOUS, I'LL
LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR.

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IF ANYTHING HAPPENED
DURING THE NIGHT

WE WOULDN'T WANT
TO FUMBLE IN THE DARK.

NO, WE WOULDN'T. OH!

I SAW YOU THROUGH THE
DOOR IN COURT THIS MORNING.

YOU LOOKED EVER SO HANDSOME.

YOU PROBABLY SAW MY BEST SIDE.

YOU SPOKE BEAUTIFUL.

JUST LIKE NIGEL HAVERS.

I'VE OFTEN BEEN TOLD THAT.

WILL YOU GIVE ME
ELECTROCUTION LESSONS?

I THINK YOU SOUND
VERY NICE AS YOU ARE.

I THINK YOU'RE LOVELY.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

ARE YOU GOING TO
PUT THE LIGHT OUT?

WHEN I'VE FINISHED THINKING.

( theme music playing )