Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 9, Episode 3 - Memories Are Made of This - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

- GOOD MORNING, MR. HARMAN.
- MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MAY I INQUIRE WHO ORDERED THE
CENTER DISPLAY TO BE CHANGED?

MR. RUMBOLD. THERE'S AN EPIDEMIC
OF FLU IN THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT

AND THEY HAVE BEEN INAUGURATED WITH
THE LADIES AND GENTLEMENS DEPARTMENT,

- UNTIL SUCH TIME
THAT THE STAFF RECOVER.
- I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TELL ME.



PERHAPS WHEN YOU
RISE HIGH ENOUGH

YOU WILL BE LET INTO
EXECUTIVE DECISIONS.

MORNING, PEACOCK,
HEARD THE NEWS?

FROM AS HIGH UP AS MAINTENANCE.

AND I DON'T THINK THE
STAFF WILL APPROVE.

THIS IS A MANAGEMENT DECISION.

THE STAFF WILL SELL
WHATEVER IS REQUIRED.

LOOK, A SET OF GOLF CLUBS
COULD COST OVER £200.

I SHOULD THINK THE COMMISSION
ON THAT WOULD BE ATTRACTIVE.

TRUE, FOR THOSE WHO
ARE ON COMMISSION.

BUT IN MY POSITION AS
FLOORWALKER, I HAVE TO BE ABLE

TO DIRECT THE POTENTIAL
CUSTOMER TO THE GOODS HE REQUIRES.

I TAKE IT THAT THE ADDED RESPONSIBILITY
OF ASSIMILATING THIS KNOWLEDGE

WILL BE REFLECTED IN AN
INCREASE IN MY SALARY?



- YOU DO KNOW WHAT
A GOLF CLUB LOOKS LIKE?
- NATURALLY.

CAN YOU DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN A
PING-PONG BAT AND A TENNIS RACKET?

I TAKE THAT TO BE A
RHETORICAL QUESTION.

- ARE FISHING RODS
FOREIGN TO YOU?
- NO.

YOU'VE ALREADY ASSIMILATED
ENOUGH KNOWLEDGE TO DO THE JOB,

AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN OPENED YET.

GOOD TRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

THAT'S THE DRAWBACK
OF BEING A GENT.

HUNTING, SHOOTING AND FISHING
MUST BE SECOND NATURE TO YOU.

I WOULDN'T LOOK TOO
SMUG IF I WERE YOU.

WITH THE BACKING OF MY STAFF I'M CONFIDENT
YOU'LL SOON BE MOVING ALL THIS OUT AGAIN.

WHAT'S THAT CONTRAPTION FOR?

I WILL EXPLAIN.

HERE WE HAVE SOME
"STIMULATED" GRASS

UPON WHICH WE PLACE
A RUBBERIZED MAT

WITH A BUILT-IN GOLF TEE,

A BALL ON THE PIECE OF STRING,

WHICH IN TURN IS ATTACHED
TO THAT DISTANCE METER,

WHICH ENABLES THE GOLF PRO

TO DEMONSTRATE HIS SWING.

WHAT GOLF PRO?

THE ONE FROM
SPORTS, MR. WALPOLE.

THE ONE THE GIRLS
IS POTTY ABOUT.

BUT THIS SPOT IS WHERE I STAND.

REMEMBER, IF HE
SHOUTS "FORE," DUCK.

THE BAD SPELL OF WEATHER

HAS, I FEEL, AFFECTED
THIS MONTH'S FIGURES.

BUT HAPPILY, LADIES
UNDERWEAR HAS REMAINED STEADY

ALTHOUGH MENS
TROUSERS HAVE BEEN DOWN.

COPIES TO MR. GRACE, THE COUNCIL

AND ONE TO FILE. HAVE
YOU GOT ALL THAT?

THE BAD SPELL OF
WEATHER, IS THAT W-H-E?

NO, THAT IS AN APPALLING SPELL OF
WEATHER, YOU REALLY MUST DO BETTER.

SORRY, IT'S MY SHORTHAND.

- ( knocking )
- ENTER.

SORRY TO TROUBLE YOU,
MR. RUMBOLD, THERE'S A DELEGATION

FROM THE LADIES AND GENTLEMAN DEPARTMENT
LED BY CAPTAIN PEACOCK TO SEE YOU.

VERY WELL. SHOW THEM IN.

MR. RUMBOLD WILL SEE THE DELEGATION.
WOULD YOU STEP THIS WAY, PLEASE?

PLEASE BE AS BRIEF AS POSSIBLE. I
HAVE A LOT WAITING FOR ME ON MY DESK.

SO I SEE.

MISS BELFRIDGE.

SIR, THE SALES STAFF AND MYSELF

ARE IN AGREEMENT THAT WE DO NOT WISH
TO SELL SPORTING GOODS ON THIS FLOOR.

AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT.

YOU CAN'T HAVE PING-PONG BATS
AND KNICKERS ON THE SAME COUNTER.

THEY... THEY DON'T GO TOGETHER.

YOU SHOULD READ "THE NEWS
OF THE WORLD" MORE OFTEN.

YOU KNOW, I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT

THAT IF A CUSTOMER BOUGHT
SOME SPORTING EQUIPMENT,

THAT WOULD BE A VERY GOOD OPPORTUNITY
TO INTRODUCE THEM TO THE NORMAL STOCK.

FOR INSTANCE, MR. HUMPHRIES,
THE PURCHASE OF A GOLF CLUB

COULD LEAD YOU TO SUGGEST
A PAIR OF GLOVES OR A SCARF.

OR A PAIR OF Y-FRONTS
TO IMPROVE HIS SWING.

EXACTLY!

YOU HAVE TO BE CONVERSANT WITH
THE STOCK TO BE ABLE TO SELL IT.

YEAH, WE OUGHT TO BE PAID
MORE FOR KNOWING MORE.

AND ANOTHER THING, I WANT
TO KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENED

TO THAT FUR COAT WHAT
WAS ON THE CENTER STAND

AND WHAT WAS DUE TO
BE REDUCED TO SALE PRICE.

I'VE BEEN SAVING UP
FOR THAT FOR MONTHS.

IT'S BACK IN THE STOCKROOM.
IT'LL BE SOLD TO ANOTHER BRANCH.

SHE'D SET HER HEART ON THAT.

THAT'S WHY SHE
PUT EVERYONE OFF IT.

IF EVERYONE HAS HAD THEIR SAY, I
REALLY MUST GET ON WITH MY WORK.

EVERYONE HAS NOT HAD THEIR SAY.

A SIMULATED GRASS CARPET
HAS BEEN LAID IN MY AREA

ON WHICH I UNDERSTAND
A CERTAIN MR. WALPOLE

IS TO DEMONSTRATE
HIS GOLF SWING.

I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHERE I
AM TO STAND WHILE HE DOES IT.

MR. WALPOLE?

NOT THAT GOOD-LOOKING MAN

WITH THE LOVELY SMILE IN SPORTS?

UP HERE, ON OUR FLOOR?

I THOUGHT THEY ALL HAD THE FLU.

NO, NO, NO, THEY ALL HAD THE FLU

EXCEPT MR. WALPOLE.
HE'S ALWAYS VERY FIT.

THAT'S WHY WE NEVER SEE HIM IN THE CANTEEN,
HE'S ALWAYS JOGGING ROUND THE ROOF.

ALL THIS IS BESIDE THE POINT.

WE HAVE A UNANIMOUS VOTE
NOT TO SELL SPORTING GOODS.

WE DID HAVE, BUT IT WOULD
BE A PITY IF POOR MR. WALPOLE

HAD NOWHERE TO
DEMONSTRATE HIS EQUIPMENT.

AFTER ALL, IT IS ONLY
UNTIL THE REST GET BETTER.

HANDS UP, THOSE FOR
SPORTING EQUIPMENT.

COME ON, LET'S GO
AND SEE IF HE'S ARRIVED.

OH YES.

SO, PEACOCK, YOU'RE THE
TROUBLEMAKER IN THIS AFFAIR.

MAKE A NOTE OF
THAT, MISS BELFRIDGE.

WHEN I ENTERED THIS OFFICE,
EVERYONE WAS BEHIND ME.

THAT'S BEFORE THEY
HEARD ABOUT MR. WALPOLE.

JUST LOOK AT HIM SWINGING
THOSE BIG SHOULDERS.

OH, AND HE'S GOT
SUCH A LOVELY SMILE.

I LOVE A MAN WITH
A LOVELY SMILE.

- HE'S SO HANDSOME.
- I WONDER HOW OLD HE IS?

I SHOULD THINK HE'S
ABOUT YOUR AGE.

HASN'T HE WORE WELL?

ALL THE GIRLS IN ACCOUNTS
ARE MAD ABOUT HIM.

I HEARD HE BOUGHT ONE OF
THEM A SIMULATED FUR COAT

JUST LIKE THE ONE
WHAT YOU WANTED.

OH, THE LUCKY DEVIL. OF
COURSE THAT'S THE TROUBLE,

YOU KNOW MEN LIKE THAT
CAN GET GIRLS HALF THEIR AGE.

Humphries: HE'S A
VERY CHARMING MAN.

Slocombe: DO YOU KNOW
HIM? TO TALK TO, I MEAN?

NO, WE JUST NOD TO
EACH OTHER IN THE LIFT.

GO AND SAY HELLO, INTRODUCE US.

SHALL I? DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?

- MORNING, MR. WALPOLE.
- MORNING. YOU'RE...

HUMPHRIES, FIRST ASSISTANT
ON THE MENS COUNTER.

- HI, HUMPHRIES.
- OH, HELLO.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

AS YOU CAN SEE I'M
UP HERE FOR A SPELL.

- I HOPE I'M NOT
GONNA BE IN YOUR WAY.
- OH, NOT AT ALL.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW
ABOUT SPORTING EQUIPMENT, JUST ASK ME.

YOU... EVER BEEN
ROUND A GOLF COURSE?

- ONCE OR TWICE.
- GOT A HANDICAP?

SO, THEY TELL ME. I'D LIKE TO...

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO MISS BRAHMS.

I KNOW MISS BRAHMS. SHE'S ONE OF
THE PRETTIEST GIRLS IN THE STORE.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA BE
WORKING UP HERE ON THIS FLOOR.

WELL, YES, ACTUALLY, I
STAND JUST OVER THERE,

JUST A FEW FEET AWAY.

PSST!

I THINK I SEE SOMEONE ELSE THAT
WOULD LIKE TO BE INTRODUCED.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S YOUR TURN.
THIS IS MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I DON'T THINK YOU'VE MET.

I'M SO GLAD TO MEET
YOU IN THE FLESH, AT LAST.

I'VE OFTEN MENTIONED YOUR SMILE TO
MISS BRAHMS, HAVEN'T I, MISS BRAHMS?

YEAH, LIKE JUST NOW WHEN YOU
WAS PEERING ROUND THE CORNER.

TELL ME, MISS SLOCOMBE,
WHERE DO YOU WORK?

I'M IN CHARGE OF THE LADIES.

- SO THAT'S WHY
WE HAVEN'T MET.
- NO.

NO, NO, NO, I'M HEAD OF
THE LADIES DEPARTMENT.

MISS BRAHMS IS MY ASSISTANT.

WE'RE GOING TO BE
KEEPING AN EYE ON YOU.

MISS BRAHMS, GET A BRUSH
AND SWEEP UP OVER THERE.

ARRIVEDERCI.

OLD PEACOCK'S FEATHERS
ARE A BIT RUFFLED.

THIS IS GOING TO BE INTERESTING.

- AHEM.
- PEACOCK RIGHT?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, YES.

I'M WALPOLE OF SPORTS.

WELCOME.

EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN, BUT ARE
YOU GOING TO STAND RIGHT THERE?

RIGHT HERE.

I'M SUPPOSED TO SWING THIS
CLUB TO ATTRACT THE CUSTOMERS.

- I DON'T SEE ANY, DO YOU?
- NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

DO YOU PLAY? YOU'VE
GOT THE BUILD FOR IT.

YES, I HAVE SWUNG A
CLUB NOW AND THEN,

BUT I'VE NEVER THOUGHT
OF TAKING IT UP SERIOUSLY.

I MIGHT WHEN I RETIRE. AFTER ALL,
IT IS A GAME FOR THE OLDER MAN.

UNLESS OF COURSE, ONE
HAS TO EARN A LIVING BY IT.

I DO TERRIFIC AT THE WEEKENDS.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A SWING?

- I COULD SHOW YOU
A FEW POINTERS.
- NO, THANK YOU.

GO ON! YOU'VE OFTEN TOLD
US HOW GOOD YOU WERE.

YES, YOU REMEMBER, DURING THE WAR, WHEN
YOU USED THE BOMB CRATERS FOR BUNKERS.

THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

GO ON, BE A SPORT. THEN
WE CAN ALL HAVE A GO.

- I HAVEN'T HELD
A CLUB FOR YEARS.
- GO ON, TRY THAT FOR WEIGHT.

LOOK, STRAIGHTAWAY!
THE ARNOLD PALMER GRIP.

SO IT IS.

NICE WEIGHT, NUMBER TWO WOOD?

- THREE.
- REALLY? FEELS LIKE
A NUMBER TWO.

NOW I SEE THE LIFT ON THE FACE.

I'LL TEE THE BALL
UP. WHEN YOU HIT IT,

THE STRING PULLS ON THE INDICATOR
TO SHOW HOW FAR IT WOULD HAVE GONE.

IF HE HITS IT.

YES, IT'S ALL COMING
BACK TO ME NOW.

HOW'S THAT?

FEET FURTHER APART
AND OPEN YOUR FACE A BIT.

IT'S ANOTHER WORLD, ISN'T IT?

TRY A PRACTICE SWING.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE
NOT A SCRATCH PLAYER?

NO, NO, I JUST HAVE GOOD
COORDINATION, GOOD EYE FOR A BALL.

LOOK, YOU GIVE IT A CLOUT,

AND WE'LL WATCH THE CLOCK
TO SEE HOW FAR IT GOES.

I SHALL PROBABLY MISS.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOU'RE IN MY WAY.

- WILL YOU AND MISS BRAHMS
STAND OVER THERE, PLEASE?
- SORRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

HOLD IT! THAT'S A
PERFECT POSITION.

( laughing )

YOU SEE, HE'S CHARMING HIM.

IF I WAS A BIT YOUNGER.

I'D BE IN THERE WITH A
CHANCE OF A FUR COAT.

NOW JUST RELAX AND
ADDRESS THE BALL.

- DEAR BALL...
- SPOONER.

SORRY, SIR.

SHH, YOU MUST BE QUIET. HE
NEEDS ALL HIS CONCENTRATION.

NOW, HERE IT GOES.

Walpole: FORE!

MRS. SLOCOMBE!

- WHAT HAPPENED?
- THE STRING BROKE.

AND IT SAYS ON THE
CLOCK 150 YARDS.

SHE'S OUT COLD, IT'S
HIT HER ON THE HEAD.

QUICK, GET HER ON THE COUNTER.

COME ON.

OH, THANK GOODNESS, I'D
THOUGHT WE'D LOST HER.

IT'S ALL THAT STRONG
LACQUER SHE USES ON HER HAIR,

IT'S SLOWED THE BALL DOWN.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M MISS BRAHMS.

DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

WHERE AM I?

- YOU'RE WITH YOUR
FRIENDS AT WORK.
- WORK?

( childish voice ) WHAT DO YOU
MEAN WORK? I'M STILL AT SCHOOL.

BLIMEY, IT'S A
SERIOUS BRAIN INJURY.

- YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T
KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?
- I'VE NO IDEA.

THIS IS THE LADIES AND GENTLEMENS
DEPARTMENT IN GRACE BROTHERS

- AND I'M CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- WELL, WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

- YOU'VE WORKED HERE FOR YEARS.
- I WANT TO GO HOME TO MY MOMMY.

LISTEN, CAN YOU
REMEMBER YOUR NAME?

MY NAME'S BETTY,

BUT MY MOMMY SAYS I
MUSTN'T TALK TO STRANGE MEN.

WELL, YOU CAN TALK TO ME.

NOW LISTEN, WHAT IS THE DATE?

I'VE NO IDEA.

WELL, WHO'S THE PRIME MINISTER?

MR. CHAMBERLAIN.

BLIMEY, I'M SURPRISED
IT WASN'T GLADSTONE.

BE QUIET, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY
LOST HER MEMORY,

WE'VE GOT TO TRY AND
GET IT BACK GRADUALLY.

HOW GRADUALLY? WE
COULD ALL BE OLD MEN

- BEFORE SHE
REMEMBERS HOW OLD SHE IS.
- WE MUST TREAT HER GENTLY.

HOW CAN YOU BE GENTLE WITH SOMEONE
WHO THINKS THEIR STILL AT SCHOOL

- WHEN SHE'S OVER 50?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW!

COME ON, COME ON, BETTY, WE
MUST HELP YOU OFF THE COUNTER.

NO, NO, NO. I WANT HIM TO DO IT.

- COME ALONG, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- CATCH!

WHO IS THIS NICE MAN?

THAT'S MR. WALPOLE FROM SPORTS.

NOW, MRS. SLOCOMBE, I SUGGEST
YOU GO AND LIE DOWN FOR A BIT.

- WHO'S MRS. SLOCOMBE?
- YOU ARE.

OH, ARE WE PLAYING
MOMMIES AND DADDIES?

I BAGS ME HIM.

HANG ON, HANG ON NOW.
NOW, BETTY, NOW, NOW LOOK,

YOU JUST FEEL THERE, LOOK. CAN
YOU FEEL THAT BUMP ON YOUR HEAD?

YES, YOU WERE HIT ON
THE HEAD WITH A GOLF BALL

AND YOU'VE TEMPORARILY LOST A
TEENIE-WEENIE LITTLE BIT OF YOUR MEMORY,

AND ALL YOU CAN REMEMBER IS
BEING A LITTLE GIRL. IS THAT CORRECT?

WELL, IF WE'RE GOING TO PRETEND,

AND I WORK HERE, WHAT DO I DO?

WELL, YOU'RE A JUNIOR, OF
COURSE, ON THE LADIES COUNTER.

YOU WORK UNDER THE
BIG GIRL, MISS BRAHMS.

AM I SATISFACTORY SO FAR?

YOU'VE DONE VERY WELL. NOW WHY DON'T YOU
GO AND HAVE A LIE DOWN IN THE FITTING ROOM?

COME ALONG, BETTY. LET'S GO AND SEE
WHO'S IN THE LISTENING CORNER TODAY.

I'D BETTER GO AND FIND ANOTHER
PRACTICE BALL MECHANISM,

THE ONE WE'VE GOT
IS OBVIOUSLY FAULTY.

DO YOU THINK IT'LL COME BACK?

IT'S NOT GOING TO
BE VERY NICE FOR HER,

DRAWING HER OLD-AGE
PENSION BEFORE SHE'S 21.

YOU'RE GOING TO COP IT, CAPTAIN
PEACOCK, WHEN MR. RUMBOLD FINDS OUT.

MR. SPOONER, MR. RUMBOLD
WILL NOT FIND OUT.

THIS IS GOING TO BE A
SECRET JUST BETWEEN US.

HER MEMORY'S BOUND TO COME BACK.

PERHAPS THERE'S JUST SOME LITTLE
PART OF HER BRAIN THAT'S STILL NUMB.

- THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT.
- WELL, IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

BUT I CAN'T HELP FEELING GUILTY.

I MEAN, WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T
RECOVER? I COULD BE SUED.

THERE'S LOTS OF CASES
OF TEMPORARY AMNESIA.

NO, WE'LL JUST HAVE TO PLAY
ALONG UNTIL IT COMES BACK.

YES, I AGREE.

THANK YOU, WILBERFORCE.

NOT AT ALL, STEPHEN.

- MR. HUMPHRIES, RETURN
TO YOUR COUNTER, WILL YOU?
- YES, SIR.

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

SO THIS IS WHERE THE
SPORTS DEPARTMENT'S GOT TO.

YES, SIR. WHAT WILL IT BE TODAY?

WELL, THE TROUT ARE RISING

AND I NEED SOME
FLY-FISHING GEAR.

MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?

- I'M FREE.
- THIS GENTLEMAN
WOULD LIKE YOUR HELP.

- CERTAINLY.
- THANK YOU.

- GOOD MORNING, SIR.
- GOOD MORNING.

SPRING IS HERE AND THE OLD
TROUT HAVE STARTED TO RISE,

BUT I'M AFRAID THESE OLD
HANDS OF MINE ARE A BIT SHAKY.

SO I SEE.

I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DO
MY OWN FLIES ANYMORE.

I RATHER BUSY AND I'M NOT
ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE COUNTER.

I NEED A COUPLE OF NYMPHS
AND HALF A DOZEN DOCTORS.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE OUT.

OH. AND SOME MAYFLIES.

IN FACT, I'LL TAKE
THE WHOLE BOX.

- EVERYTHING I NEED IN THERE.
- ONE BOX OF FLIES, ASSORTED.

THERE WE ARE, SIR.

YOU FLY FISH, OF COURSE?

- OF COURSE.
- WET OR DRY?

I USUALLY TAKE AN
UMBRELLA, JUST IN CASE.

I HAVE A BANK ON THE
AVON, WHERE DO YOU GO?

NAT WEST, I LIKE THE SECURITY.

- IS THIS CASH OR ACCOUNT?
- ACCOUNT.

THERE YOU GO. THANK YOU.

WELL, IT'S NICE
MEETING A FISHING MAN.

TIGHT LINES.

TIGHT FLIES.

SHE'S OVER THE INITIAL SHOCK.
SHE'S FEELING QUITE PERKY.

- THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT.
- HAS HER MEMORY COME BACK?

NO, BUT I DID AS YOU SUGGESTED
AND I TOLD HER SHE WAS MY JUNIOR

- AND WE'RE BUSY
SELLING SPORTS EQUIPMENT.
- DID SHE BELIEVE YOU?

SHE COULDN'T GET OUT OF HER CLOTHES
QUICK ENOUGH AND INTO SOMETHING YOUNGER.

IF RUMBOLD SEES HER,
HE'LL DO HIS PIECES.

SO LONG AS SHE KEEPS QUIET.
SHE CAN'T LOOK THAT DIFFERENT.

DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT.

♪ WE ARE THE OVALTINEYS. ♪

- WHEN ARE WE GOING TO PLAY?
- GET HER OUT OF HERE!

I RECKON WE OUGHT TO
GET HER TO A DOCTOR.

SHE'LL GET ARRESTED IF WE
LET HER GO HOME LIKE THAT.

WHERE IS SHE NOW?
LUNCH IS NEARLY OVER.

MISS BRAHMS HAS TAKEN
HER TO THE LITTLE GIRLS ROOM.

THEN SHE WANTED
TO GO OUT AND PLAY.

- THE MIND BOGGLES.
- WHERE'S MR. WALPOLE?

APPARENTLY, HE WENT TO THE
HOSPITAL TO GET AN ANTI-FLU JAB.

AS LONG AS WE CAN KEEP IT FROM
OLD RUMBOLD WE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

BUT IF HE FINDS OUT ABOUT MRS.
SLOCOMBE, WE'LL HAVE TO TELL HIM

IT WAS CAPTAIN PEACOCK BANGING
AWAY AT GOLF BALLS THAT DID IT.

YOU ALL ENCOURAGED ME. I DIDN'T
WANT TO HIT THAT BLASTED BALL.

LOOK OUT, HERE THEY COME.

OH LOOK, NICE
CLEAN HANDY PANDIES.

OH GOD.

YOU LOT READY TO
ORDER YOUR PUDDING?

- I WANT JELLY.
- YOU WAIT YOUR TURN. NOW WHAT'S IT TO BE?

SPONGE AND CUSTARD
OR APRICOT TART?

I MUST SAY, THE MENU'S IMPROVED.

THAT'S 'CAUSE WE
SETTLED OUR WAGE DISPUTE.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE
BEING VERY CIVIL.
- I WANT JELLY.

THERE'S NO JELLY
ON THE MENU, BETTY.

IF I DON'T GET JELLY,
I SHALL BE SICK.

MRS. SLOCOMBE ISN'T
FEELING VERY WELL,

SHE HAS AN UNSETTLED STOMACH.

IF YOU COULD POSSIBLY MAKE
A SPECIAL JELLY, I'LL PAY FOR IT.

I CAN BE SICK WHENEVER I LIKE.

I KNOW.

SHE DON'T LOOK TOO GOOD
TO ME. I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

NOW HANDS UP FOR
SPONGE AND CUSTARD. RIGHT.

DON'T FORGET MY JELLY.

THAT'S VERY NAUGHTY.
SHE'S ONLY JOKING.

I SHOULD HOPE SO.

I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF
HAVING A BAD TEMPER,

AND I'M DOING MY BEST
TO KEEP IT UNDER CONTROL.

NO, NO, NO, SHE'S JUST
IN A PLAYFUL MOOD.

AND AFTER ALL, ONE MUST
HAVE A LITTLE LIGHT RELIEF.

AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO
BE A FRIENDLY, HAPPY STORE.

I KNOW I TAKE MY
JOB TOO SERIOUSLY,

BUT IT'S HAVING TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE LIKE
YOUR MR. RUMBOLD THAT GETS UP MY NOSE.

YOU JUST HAVE TO
LET YOURSELF GO A BIT.

I MEAN WE ARE ALL NORMAL WORKING
HUMAN BEINGS LIKE YOURSELF.

THAT'S THE NICEST THING
YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME, BROTHER.

( blowing raspberries )

VERY NAUGHTY, NOW
SIT UP STRAIGHT AT TABLE.

- SHE RESPONDS TO YOU.
- I'VE ALWAYS BEEN VERY GOOD
WITH CHILDREN.

PUT THAT OUT!

I'M GOING TO COUNT TO THREE,
AND I WANT TO SEE IT ON THAT PLATE.

- SHAN'T.
- ONE,
TWO, THREE.

RIGHT! GO ON, LEAVE THE TABLE.

( crying )

IGNORE HIM, IGNORE HIM.

YOU CAN STAY AT THE
TABLE. HE DIDN'T MEAN IT.

YOU'LL NEVER BRING HER
UP PROPERLY LIKE THAT.

JUST IGNORE HER.

WELL, MISS BRAHMS, WHAT
SORT OF MORNING DID YOU HAVE?

I SOLD TWO TENNIS RACKETS,
AND A PAIR OF KNICKERS.

( giggling )

YOU SHOULDN'T SAY
KNICKERS. IT'S RUDE.

- IGNORE HER.
- HOW ABOUT YOU?

WELL, I SOLD SOME FISHING
TACKLE TO A VERY STRANGE MAN.

A NUMBER SEVEN IRON,
A PAIR OF PLUS FOURS

AND A PAIR OF
J-O-C-K-E-Y SHORTS.

I WANT A RIDDLE.

NOT AGAIN!

IF I DON'T GET A RIDDLE
I'LL SCREAM AND SCREAM.

- MR. HUMPHRIES.
- DON'T LOOK AT ME!

PLEASE TELL ME A RIDDLE.

OH, TELL YOU A RIDDLE,
OH YES, OF COURSE.

DOES ANYBODY KNOW A RIDDLE?

I DO. WHAT GOES
UP A CHIMNEY DOWN

- BUT WON'T GO DOWN
A CHIMNEY UP?
- AN UMBRELLA.

( crying ) I WANTED
TO DO THE RIDDLE.

DON'T SPOIL IT FOR BETTY.

YOU TELL ME A RIDDLE.

A RIDDLE?

WHEN IS A DOOR NOT A DOOR?

WHEN IS A DOOR NOT A DOOR?

GIVE IN.

WHEN IS A DOOR NOT A DOOR?

WHEN IT'S AJAR.

OH, WHEN IT'S AJAR.

I DON'T THINK THAT WAS
A VERY FUNNY RIDDLE.

COULDN'T YOU HAVE
GIVEN ME A BETTER RIDDLE?

I'D ALREADY USED MY BEST RIDDLE.

WHEN CAN I GO HOME?

YOU'VE GOT TO PLAY FOR THIS
AFTERNOON AND THEN YOU CAN GO HOME.

WHAT IF HER MEMORY
DOESN'T COME BACK?

SHE'LL HAVE TO GO HOME WITH
YOU. SHE GETS ON WELL WITH YOU.

SHE'S NOT COMING HOME WITH ME. MY
BOYFRIEND'S COMING ROUND TONIGHT.

I DON'T WANT HER BOUNCING
UP AND DOWN ON THE SOFA

- WHILE WE'RE WATCHING "DALLAS."
- IT'S A BIT GROWN-UP FOR HER.

HAVEN'T YOU GOT AN ATTIC?
YOU COULD LOCK HER UP THERE.

LOOK, IT'S ALL HIS FAULT,
PEACOCK CAN TAKE HER HOME.

GOOD HEAVENS, I CAN'T.
WE'RE HAVING A BRIDGE PARTY.

I CAN'T CANCEL EVERYONE
NOW. NO, BY HIS OWN ADMISSION,

MR. HUMPHRIES IS VERY GOOD WITH
CHILDREN. HE SHOULD TAKE HER HOME.

BY GOD, SHE'S NOT COMING HOME
WITH ME. SHE'S AS STRONG AS AN OX.

I'M NOT HAVING MY PADDINGTON
BEAR PULLED TO PIECES.

CAN'T WE SEND HER TO AN
ORPHANAGE TILL SHE GETS BETTER?

- CAN I GET DOWN?
- NO, YOU CAN'T.

YOU'VE ORDERED JELLY AND
YOU'LL WAIT TILL IT COMES.

- SHAN'T.
- YOU WILL.

- SHAN'T.
- YOU WILL.

BE TOLD.

IF THE WIND CHANGES,
YOU'LL STAY LIKE THAT.

NOW BEHAVE YOURSELF.

WELL, THAT SETTLES IT.

YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY GOT THE KNACK,
MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU CAN LOOK AFTER HER.

- FOUR SPONGE AND CUSTARDS.
- I'M STARVING.

THANK YOU.

- ONE JELLY
WITH CREAM ON TOP.
- OHH...

HERE, I ASKED FOR
JELLY AND I DIDN'T GET IT.

YOU POOR MAN. DO
YOU WANT TO HAVE MINE?

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH INDEED.
- HERE YOU ARE.

RIGHT, YOU ASKED FOR IT.

RIGHT, MONKEY. EXCUSE ME.

WHAT'S THE SERVICE LIKE?

IT'S QUICKER THAN USUAL.

NOW LET ME SEE IF
I'VE GOT THIS RIGHT.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK
ACTUALLY TOOK A GOLF CLUB

AND HIT A BALL IN THE ENCLOSED
PREMISES OF THE STORE.

NOW THAT WAS IN ITSELF
A DANGEROUS THING TO DO.

IT WAS A PRACTICE BALL
ATTACHED TO A PIECE OF STRING.

AND WHAT HAPPENED?
THE STRING BROKE.

THE BALL HIT MRS. SLOCOMBE ON THE
HEAD AND NOW SHE'S LOST HER MEMORY.

AND WHO'S RESPONSIBLE
FOR IT? YOU ARE, PEACOCK.

WE DID EGG HIM ON.

I DO NOT HOLD MYSELF
RESPONSIBLE FOR FAULTY EQUIPMENT.

ANYONE COULD'VE HIT THAT BALL.

YES, THE FACT REMAINS,
PEACOCK, YOU HIT IT!

AND YOU WERE NOT AUTHORIZED.

- WHO ORDERED THE EQUIPMENT
TO BE PLACED THERE?
- I DID, OF COURSE.

WITHOUT CHECKING IF
IT WAS FAULTY OR NOT?

IF THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE
STRING, THE MAKERS ARE AT FAULT, NOT ME.

WELL, IT WAS OLD STOCK.
PROBABLY OUT OF GUARANTEE.

WHAT IF SHE SUES US?

WELL, AT THE MOMENT IT'LL
ONLY BE FOR JELLY BEANS.

HOW BAD IS SHE?

I HAD VERY LITTLE TIME IN THE
RESTAURANT TO EVALUATE HER CONDITION,

BUT YOU SAY SHE SEEMS
RATHER BACKWARD?

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY,
THE LAST TIME I SAW HER,

SHE WAS SLIDING DOWN THE
MAIN BANISTER WITH A PEASHOOTER,

TAKING A PING AT
BATHROOM FITTINGS.

OH, GOOD HEAVENS, IF MR. GRACE EVER
HEARS ABOUT THIS. WHERE IS SHE NOW?

- ( knocking )
- ENTER.

WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM.
IT'S MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WHAT'S THE LATEST POSITION?

SHE'S DRIVING THE GOLF CAR FLAT OUT
ROUND THE DEPARTMENT WITH NO HAND SIGNALS.

RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

I DON'T CARE WHAT
METHOD YOU USE,

DRUGGED DARTS, A NET, ANYTHING,

I WANT MRS. SLOCOMBE IN
HERE RIGHT AWAY, IMMEDIATELY.

HELLO BIG EARS.

WHERE'S NODDY'S HOUSE?

THE HOSPITAL SHOULD HAVE OPERATED
BY NOW, SHE'S BEEN GONE THREE HOURS.

IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT, CAPTAIN.
IT WAS THE EQUIPMENT, OLD STOCK.

( phone rings )

( deep voice ) MENSWEAR.

THE HOSPITAL. YOU'VE LOST HER?

SHE WAS SUCH A YOUNG WOMAN.

I SEE, WHAT A RELIEF!

- YES, THANK YOU, SISTER.
- WHAT'S HAPPENED?

APPARENTLY THEY GOT HER IN THE
AMBULANCE AND GAVE HER A LOLLIPOP.

THEN THEY PUT HER ON THIS
TROLLEY TO TAKE HER DOWN TO X-RAY.

SHE DROPPED HER LOLLY, FELL
OFF THE TROLLEY RIGHT ON HER HEAD.

POOR MRS. SLOCOMBE.

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT
BROUGHT HER MEMORY BACK.

SHE RAN OUT OF THE
HOSPITAL ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

- SHE SHOULD
BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
- THANK GOODNESS.

MRS. SLOCOMBE IS
COMING UP THE OTHER LIFT

AND SHE DON'T LOOK TOO PLEASED.

THANK HEAVENS, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT? DO YOU
KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

IT'S HALF PAST 5:00. I'VE LOST
A WHOLE DAY'S COMMISSION,

NOT TO MENTION BEING
CONCUSSED BY CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

IT WASN'T CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S
FAULT, IT WAS THE EQUIPMENT.

I'M GOING TO SUE FOR DAMAGES. AFTER
ALL, IT WAS AN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT.

- ( bell rings ) - RIGHT,
THAT'S IT. I'M OFF HOME NOW.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. WILL
YOU NEED ME TOMORROW, MISTER...?

RUMBOLD, AND DEFINITELY NOT.

THIS DEPARTMENT IS
GOING BACK TO NORMAL.

WELL, YOU ALL KNOW WHERE I
AM IF YOU WANT TO PLAY A ROUND.

THANK YOU.

I'M GOING TO SUE EVERYBODY
FOR THAT BANG ON MY BRAIN.

I THINK MR. RUMBOLD IS THE
PERSON TO DISCUSS THAT WITH.

FOR MY PART, I'M JUST RELIEVED

TO HAVE THE SAME OLD BAD-TEMPERED
MRS. SLOCOMBE BACK AGAIN.

CALM YOURSELF, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I'M SURE WE CAN SETTLE ALL THIS
AMICABLY WITHOUT UNDUE FUSS.

NOW, WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY?

WELL, I WOULD'VE LIKED
THAT SIMULATED FUR COAT

THAT WAS DUE TO BE REDUCED

WHAT WAS ON THE CENTER
STAND, UNTIL IT WAS MOVED.

THAT'S EASILY
SETTLED. MR. HARMAN,

WILL YOU GET THAT SIMULATED
PUMA OUT OF STOCK, PLEASE?

RIGHT AWAY, MR. RUMBOLD.
IT'S STILL BY THE GOODS LIFT.

I DO HOPE I'M GOING TO GET
A VERY FAVORABLE DISCOUNT.

- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
- OH! OHHH!

I'VE COME OVER ALL DIZZY.
I'LL HAVE TO SIT DOWN.

I THOUGHT YOU'D GIVE IT TO HER,
AFTER ALL SHE'D BEEN THROUGH.

- ( moaning ) - OF COURSE!
WHAT A GOOD IDEA.

- YOUR LORDSHIP.
- THANK YOU.

NOW, MRS. SLOCOMBE, JUST
SLIP INTO IT AND SEE HOW IT FITS.

I KNOW HOW IT FITS.

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE A FILM STAR.

DO I? WHICH ONE?

- IT'S VERY BETTE DAVIS.
- I DON'T LOOK AS OLD
AS THAT, DO I?

- I MEAN WHEN SHE
WAS IN BLACK AND WHITE.
- I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

WITH THE COMPLIMENTS
OF GRACE BROTHERS.

AND WE TRUST THAT THE
UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT

THAT CAUSED YOUR LITTLE LOSS
OF MEMORY IS NOW FORGOTTEN?

WHAT ACCIDENT?

SPLENDID. I MUST
BE OFF. GOOD NIGHT.

JUST THE FEEL OF IT. I NEVER
THOUGHT I'D GET MY HANDS ON THIS.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE HAD
IT NOT BEEN FOR THE ACCIDENT.

- NO, THAT'S TRUE.
- CAN'T YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING?

- WHEN?
- WHEN YOU GOT
HIT ON THE HEAD?

OH, YOU MEAN... ( little girl voice
) WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL?

YOU MEAN YOU HADN'T LOST
YOUR MEMORY AFTER ALL?

OH, YES I HAD.
JUST FOR A MINUTE.

UNTIL THAT LOVELY MR. WALPOLE
HELPED ME OFF THE COUNTER.

AND WHEN HE HELD ME IN HIS
ARMS AND I LOOKED UP INTO HIS EYES,

I THOUGHT, HE'LL NEVER
BUY ME A FUR COAT LIKE THIS.

SO ALL THE TIME YOU
MEAN TO SAY THAT...

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW NOW, WILL YOU?

BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, I COULDN'T
HAVE HAD MUCH LUNCH. I'M STARVING.

WHAT WOULD YOU FANCY? AND
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO?

HOW ABOUT... ( little girl voice
) THE ICE CREAM PARLOR?

♪ WE ARE THE OVALTINEYS... ♪

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪