Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 8, Episode 7 - The Erotic Dreams of Mrs Slocombe - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

THERE YOU ARE, MADAM.

IF YOU HAVE ANY COMPLAINT,
DON'T HESITATE TO RETURN IT.

WE'LL EXCHANGE IT WITHOUT QUESTION
PROVIDED YOU HAVE THE RECEIPT,

YOU HAVEN'T WORN IT,
AND IT'S NOT CREASED.

- CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- YES, MR. HARMAN?

YOU TOLD ME NOT TO COME ON THE
FLOOR WHEN THE STORE WAS OPEN,

WITHOUT ATTRACTING
YOUR ATTENTION FIRST.



THAT IS QUITE
CORRECT, MR. HARMAN.

( blows raspberry )

AH, I SEE I'VE ATTRACTED
YOUR ATTENTION.

GO BACK. YOU'VE NOT
HAD MY PERMISSION.

DOES THAT MEAN YOU
DON'T WANT THE FIRST PRIZE

IN GRACE BROTHERS' LUCKY LOTTERY

WHAT YOUR DEPARTMENT HAS WON?

- WHAT WAS THAT?
- I'M PROUD TO TELL YOU

AND PLEASED THAT YOU ARE
NOW THE PROUD POSSESSOR

OF A BOX AT COVENT
GARDEN FOR SIX PERSONAGES

FOR THE BALLET.
THERE IS THE TICKETS.

( gasps ) HOW WONDERFUL.

LAST TIME I HAD A BOX
AT COVENT GARDEN

IT WAS ON MY HEAD AND
FULL OF CAULIFLOWER.



THERE ARE THE TICKETS
FOR YOUR COUNTER, MR. KLEIN.

- AND THERE ARE YOURS,
MISS BRAHMS.
- THANK YOU.

OH, MISS BRAHMS,
WHERE IS MRS. SLOCOMBE?

OH, SHE'S IN THE FITTING
ROOM TAKING OFF HER COAT.

WE'VE BEEN OPEN FOR NEARLY
SIX MINUTES, MISS BRAHMS.

- GO AND GET HER.
- YES, SIR.

YOU'RE NOT DRINKING AT
THIS HOUR OF THE MORNING?

OF COURSE I'M NOT, MISS BRAHMS.

I'M JUST TAKING
MY SLIMMING PILL.

ONLY I'VE RUN OUT OF WATER.

AND I CAN'T BEAR NEAT GIN.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE
PILL WITH A PLAIN TONIC?

OH, I CAN'T STAND
THE TASTE OF TONIC.

THAT'S WHY I'M PUTTING
GIN AND LEMON IN.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK
WANTS TO SEE YOU.

I'VE GOT A COMPLAINT CUSTOMER.

SHE BOUGHT ONE OF THEM
RIBBED CARDIGANS AND IT SHRUNK.

OH, NOT ANOTHER ONE.

YEAH, AND IT'S YOUR
CUSTOMER AND ALL.

LEAVE IT TO ME, MISS
BRAHMS. I'M JUST IN THE MOOD.

NOW, MADAM, AND
WHAT'S THE TROUBLE?

LOOK AT THIS. I FOLLOWED THE
WASHING INSTRUCTIONS TO THE LETTER

AND LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENED.
AND LOOK AT THE LABEL.

IT SAYS QUITE
DISTINCTLY, "NON-SHRINK."

MADAM...

I HAVE HERE THE
IDENTICAL GARMENT.

THERE, YOU SEE,
COMPARE THE LABELS.

THE LABEL HASN'T SHRUNK.

YOU CAN'T HAVE A REFUND.

I ASSUMED THAT THE INSTRUCTIONS
APPLY TO THE CARDIGAN.

DID YOU?

WELL, HARD CHEESE.

I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR NAME.

I'M SORRY, WE'RE NOT
ALLOWED TO GIVE NAMES.

IN THAT CASE... I SHALL
REMEMBER YOUR FACE.

( gasps )

THAT WAS A BIT HARD, WASN'T IT?

WELL, I'M FED UP WITH THEM ALL!

COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN.

AND SHE JUST CAUGHT
ME ON A BAD MORNING.

DID YOU SPEND LAST
NIGHT ON THE BOOZE?

CERTAINLY NOT, MISS BRAHMS.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D SLEEP BETTER

IF I HAD A NIGHTCAP.

YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN HAVING
THESE STRANGE DREAMS LATELY.

- STILL ABOUT MR. HUMPHRIES?
- YES.

HE'S DIFFERENT IN MY DREAMS.

I'M BEGINNING TO SEE
HIM IN QUITE A NEW LIGHT.

HAVE YOU SAID ANYTHING TO HIM?

NO, BUT I DO FEEL SOMETIMES

WHEN I LOOK AT HIM THAT
HE KNOWS SOMETHING.

SHE'S LOOKING AT YOU AGAIN.

I KNOW. I CAN FEEL THE HAIR
STANDING UP ON THE BACK OF MY NECK.

- DO YOU THINK
SHE WANTS SOMETHING?
- I HOPE NOT.

I CAN'T THINK WHAT'S
COME OVER HER.

I'VE ONLY GOT TO GIVE HER
THE SLIGHTEST HINT OF A SMILE

AND SHE GOES ALL WOBBLY
AT THE KNEES. WATCH THIS.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

OH, MISS BRAHMS,
HE SMILED AT ME.

WELL, IT WAS ONLY A LITTLE ONE.

WELL, IT'S ONLY HALF PAST 9:00.

ANYWAY, LAST NIGHT,

ME AND MRS. AXELBY WENT DOWN

TO THE GREEN MAN
FOR A QUIET DRINK.

WELL, WE HADN'T
HAD ANYTHING TO EAT,

SO WE JUST HAD A COUPLE
OF BAGS OF PORK SCRATCHINGS

AND SOME BACON-FLAVORED CRISPS,

AND ONE OF THE CRISPS GOT STUCK
IN MY THROAT. AND DO YOU KNOW,

IT TOOK THREE OR FOUR
GIN AND TONICS TO SHIFT IT.

AND I THINK THAT ONE OF
THOSE CRISPS WAS BAD,

BECAUSE WHEN I GOT
OUTSIDE AT HALF PAST 11:00

I FELT QUITE DIZZY.

WHAT TIME DID YOU GO INTO
THE PUB FOR YOUR NIGHTCAP?

ABOUT QUARTER TO 8:00.

BUT DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I THINK HAPPENED?

I THINK MY BODY
TEMPERATURE DROPPED.

ANYWAY, I HOLD
ONTO THIS LAMPPOST

AND WE SANG SONGS
TO KEEP US WARM.

I BET YOU WERE GLAD
WHEN THE BUS ARRIVED.

WELL, THE FIRST ONE DIDN'T STOP.

AND I KNOW HE SAW ME,
BECAUSE I LIFTED UP MY SKIRT

AND STUCK MY LEG OUT...
JUST FOR A JOKE, YOU KNOW?

AND HE PUT HIS FOOT DOWN
AND HE DROVE STRAIGHT PAST US.

SO YOU HAD TO GET
ON THE NEXT ONE?

NO, BUT THE ONE
AFTER THAT STOPPED.

OOH, AND THE
CONDUCTOR WAS CHEEKY.

DO YOU KNOW, THE BUS
WAS COMPLETELY EMPTY

BUT HE MADE US GO UPSTAIRS.

SO WHEN I GOT OFF, I
TOOK... I TOOK HIS NUMBER.

- I HOPE YOU WROTE IT DOWN.
- I DIDN'T NEED TO.

IT'S ON HIS HAT.

IS SHE STILL LOOKING AT ME?

NO. NOW TELL US ABOUT THE
RAVE-UP YOU HAD LAST NIGHT.

IT WASN'T REALLY A RAVE-UP.
IT FINISHED QUITE EARLY.

SO ABOUT A HALF A DOZEN OF US
WENT BACK TO THIS BLOKE'S FLAT

THAT'S GOT THIS VIDEO
RECORDER, YOU SEE.

I KNOW HE BELONGS
TO ONE OF THESE

ADULT X-RATED VIDEO LIBRARIES.

OOH, I'VE HEARD ABOUT THOSE.

WELL, HE GETS A DISCOUNT
BEING A THEOLOGICAL STUDENT.

ANYWAY, I WONDERED
WHAT HAPPENED.

HE PRESSED THE BUTTON, AND
"BANG" THE SCREEN WENT BLANK.

OH, SO YOU WENT HOME?

NO, NO, NO, THE SOUND WAS
WORKING, SO WE LISTENED TO THAT.

BUT WHATEVER THEY WERE
DOING MUST HAVE BEEN OUTSIDE,

BECAUSE I HEARD A LOT
OF WIND AND SHOUTING.

I EXPECT IT WAS AN ORGY.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. YES.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I
HEARD SOME VOICE SAY,

"MARY ROSE HAS TURNED OVER
AND I CAN SEE HER BOTTOM."

THEN A VOICE SHOUTED, "I WANT TO
SEE EVERY MAN BENT OVER AN OAR!"

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO
TAKE MY MOTHER HOME,

WHEN I HEARD THIS
OTHER VOICE SAY,

"WHICH WAY DO YOU WANT
US TO ROW, MR. BAINES?"

AND I REALIZED IT
WAS "THE ONEDIN LINE."

WHERE IS MRS. SLOCOMBE NOW?

OH, SHE'S IN THE LADIES
FIXING HER MAKEUP.

SHE'S HARDLY BEEN AT HER
COUNTER AT ALL THIS MORNING.

WELL, TO TELL THE TRUTH,

AND I DON'T LIKE TELLING TALES,

BUT I'M VERY WORRIED ABOUT HER.

I MUST SAY HER BEHAVIOR HAS
BEEN A LITTLE STRANGE LATELY.

SHE SAYS HER NERVES ARE BAD.

SHE'S BEEN HAVING
THESE DISTURBING NIGHTS.

YOU MEAN DISTURBED NIGHTS?

NO, DISTURBING.

SHE'S GOT THIS MAN ON HER MIND

AND SHE KEEPS
DREAMING ABOUT HIM.

YOU KNOW, EROTIC DREAMS.

REALLY?

YES, THEY DO FANTASIZE
AT THAT AGE, DON'T THEY?

OH, YEAH. I'VE GOT AN AUNT

WHAT'S GOT THE HOTS
FOR RICHARD BAKER.

AND WHO HAS MRS.
SLOCOMBE GOT THE "HOTS" FOR?

- YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE IT.
- WHO?

MR. HUMPHRIES.

REALLY? ( laughs )

YES, THEY DO FANTASIZE
AT THAT AGE, DON'T THEY?

HAS SHE TOLD HIM ABOUT THIS?

WELL, NOT IN SO MANY WORDS,

BUT EVERY SO OFTEN SHE
DROPS HIM A LITTLE HINT.

LOOK, WATCH.

LOOK OUT. HERE SHE COMES.

OH, YOU DEAL WITH
HER, MR. KLEIN, WILL YOU?

WAS THERE SOMETHING YOU
WANTED, MRS. SLOCOMBE?

WELL, I WANT TO BUY A
PRESENT FOR A RATHER...

SPECIAL GENTLEMAN.

WHAT'D YOU HAVE IN MIND?

TIES, HANDKERCHIEFS, SOCKS?

OH, THEY'RE NOT VERY
ROMANTIC, MR. KLEIN.

HOW ABOUT A NICE
PAIR OF Y-FRONTS?

SHUT UP.

I HAD WONDERED
ABOUT A PAIR OF GLOVES

TO KEEP HIS HANDS WARM.

OH, HE HAS SUCH ARTISTIC HANDS.

AND WHAT KIND OF GLOVE
DID YOU HAVE IN MIND THEN?

WELL, JUST SHOW
ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

- SIZE?
- WELL, ABOUT...

ABOUT MR. HUMPHRIES' SIZE.

OH, MR. HUMPHRIES.

MRS. SLOCOMBE WANTS
TO TRY YOUR HAND FOR SIZE.

IT'S VERY BUSY BRUSHING
A HAT AT THE MOMENT.

I'LL DO THAT, MR. HUMPHRIES.

THANK YOU, MR. SPOONER, I
SHALL REMEMBER THAT KINDNESS.

HERE WE ARE. CHINESE
RABBIT, ENGLISH MOLE,

VENEZUELAN SCOTCH
TERRIER, KANGAROO,

CHAMOIS LEATHER,
PLASTIC, STRING, WOOL,

AND IF YOU'LL PARDON
THE EXPRESSION, PIGSKIN.

WHAT SORT OF PERSONALITY
DOES THE GENTLEMAN HAVE?

SUEDE.

SUEDE. AH, HERE WE ARE.

BEAUTIFUL SUEDE INSIDE AND OUT.

TRY THEM ON, MR. HUMPHRIES.

AH, NOW THAT... THAT
IS A BEAUTIFUL GLOVE.

JUST FEEL IT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OH, IT'S LOVELY.

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS SAY

A GLOVE LIKE THAT
REALLY SETS A HAND OFF.

I THINK IT'S SET HER OFF.

WE HAVE IT IN THREE
SHADES, YOU KNOW.

WHAT COLOR DOES
THE GENTLEMAN HAVE?

WELL, FAIR WAVY HAIR,
STARTLING BLUE EYES,

AND A STRONG SENSITIVE CHIN.

I WONDER WHY SHE DIDN'T
MENTION THE GAP IN THE TEETH.

MR. SPOONER, GET A BROOM.
THE STOCKROOM NEEDS SWEEPING.

I TAKE IT THEN YOU'LL
SETTLE FOR THESE.

YES, PUT THEM ON MY ACCOUNT.

IT'S £22.

OH, WHEN YOU'VE LOST YOUR
HEART TO THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS,

WHAT'S £22?

£22 IS THE PRICE OF THE GLOVES,

PLUS V.A.T., MINUS
STAFF DISCOUNT.

- WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO GIFT WRAP THEM?
- NO, JUST LEAVE THEM ON HIM.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SUGAR IN
YOUR BLACK COFFEE, MR. HUMPHRIES?

NO THANK YOU,
MR. KLEIN. I'LL HAVE IT NEAT.

I NEED SOMETHING
TO CALM MY NERVES.

- SHE PUT IT INTO WORDS THEN?
- NO, SHE PUT IT INTO
A PAIR OF GLOVES.

- WHERE HAS SHE GOT TO?
- SHE'S GONE TO THE PUB
FOR A...

- OH.
- I HAD NO IDEA
ANY OF THIS WAS HAPPENING.

SHE'S HAD A THING
ABOUT YOU FOR WEEKS.

- THAT'S WHY SHE'S
HITTING THE BOTTLE.
- WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

- I THOUGHT IT WOULD WEAR OFF.
- SHE'S A FINE WOMAN.

THERE'S A LOT OF LOVE
GOING TO WASTE THERE.

THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE
FELT SORRY FOR HER CAT.

I EXPECT IT'S A NEW EXPERIENCE
FOR YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

ON THE CONTRARY, MR. SPOONER.

QUITE A LOT OF LADIES HAVE
THOUGHT TWICE ABOUT ME.

TROUBLE IS, IT'S USUALLY THE
SECOND THOUGHT THAT PUTS THEM OFF.

IT SEEMS TO ME THAT IF
WE'RE NOT VERY CAREFUL,

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE AN
ALCOHOLIC ON OUR HANDS.

I THINK THE BEST WAY OF
DEALING WITH THE SITUATION

IS TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE ON
WHOM SHE CAN LAVISH HER AFFECTION.

THAT MIGHT TAKE HER
MIND OFF MR. HUMPHRIES.

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT, YOU KNOW.

WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MAN,

THERE WAS THIS
GIRL WITH FRIZZY HAIR

AND STARING EYES AND FAT ANKLES.

AND EVERY MORNING
WHEN I GOT TO THE STATION,

SHE WAS THERE, STARING AT ME.

THEN SHE'D GET IN THE
COMPARTMENT AND SIT OPPOSITE ME...

STARING. AND EVERY NIGHT
IT WAS THE SAME THING.

HOW DID YOU GET RID OF HER?

I DIDN'T. I MARRIED HER.

NOW, THE FRIZZY HAIR'S
GONE GRAY AND THIN

AND THE EYES STARE OUT FROM
BEHIND BIG THICK SPECTACLES.

WHAT ABOUT THE ANKLES?

DON'T MENTION THE ANKLES.

I THINK CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S
GOT THE RIGHT IDEA.

WHAT SORT OF MUG
ARE YOU GOING TO CON

INTO TAKING NOTICE
OF THAT OLD TROUT?

MR. SPOONER, IF YOU
CONTINUE TO SPEAK IN THAT WAY

ABOUT A SENIOR MEMBER OF STAFF,

YOU'LL GO AND SIT
AT ANOTHER TABLE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE
MIGHT BE AN OLD TROUT,

BUT SHE'S GOT A LOT
OF NICE SIDES TO HER.

LIKE WHAT?

WELL... WELL, SHE'S VERY KIND

WHEN SHE HASN'T BEEN
HITTING THE BOTTLE.

HMMM, SHE'S NOT
AS FAT AS SHE WAS.

YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

THERE'S DEFINITELY TRACES THERE

OF WHEN SHE USED TO BE
QUITE A NICE-LOOKING WOMAN.

TROUBLE IS SHE'S LONELY.

WELL, IF SHE'S LONELY,

SHE OUGHT TO ADVERTISE IN ONE
OF THESE CONTACT MAGAZINES.

OH, NO, SHE'S TOO
MUCH PRIDE FOR THAT.

WE COULD DO IT FOR HER.
WE COULD SEND THEM IN,

GET THE REPLIES AND
PASS THEM ON TO HER.

I'LL WRITE IT ALL DOWN.

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE HER?

OLD BAT SEEKS
COMFORTABLE TREE TO HANG IN.

I SHAN'T TELL YOU
AGAIN, MR. SPOONER.

I THINK, "PETITE LADY."

OH, HARDLY PETITE.

SHE WILL BE BY THE TIME SHE'S
FINISHED HER SLIMMING PILLS.

"PETITE LADY WITH OWN HOME

SEEKS KIND, UNDERSTANDING

MALE COMPANION OF
THE OPPOSITE SEX."

THAT'S A WASTE OF WORDS.

IF HE'S A MALE COMPANION, HE
MUST BE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

IN MY EXPERIENCE, IT'S
BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.

YOU HAVE TO STATE
WHAT HER INTERESTS ARE.

- THEY ALWAYS PUT THAT.
- WHAT ARE HER INTERESTS?

PUBS AND THAT PUSSY OF HERS.

WELL, TO SAVE ANY
MISUNDERSTANDING, I'LL JUST PUT PUBS.

THERE, THAT SHOULD COVER IT.

NOW THEN, WE'LL GET THE REPLIES,
VET THEM AND PASS THEM ON TO HER.

( coughs )

I EXPECT YOU'VE BEEN WONDERING
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME.

WELL, I JUST POPPED INTO THE PUB

FOR A PACKET OF CIGARETTES,

AND ON THE WAY BACK,

AS I WAS PASSING
THE BEAUTY PARLOR,

THEY LITERALLY DRAGGED ME IN

AND INSISTED THAT I
TRY THIS ON APPRO.

AND YOU KNOW, AS
SOON AS I GOT IT ON,

EVERYBODY SAID HOW IT SUITED ME.

ALL YOU NEED TO DO NOW IS
TAKE ALL YOUR CLOTHES OFF,

GET ON A WHITE HORSE, AND YOU COULD
RIDE THROUGH THE STREETS OF COVENTRY...

AS THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN.

ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING, I'M GOING.

BUT I'D LIKE TO STATE
HERE AND NOW THAT I'M

BEING VICTIMIZED
FOR MY OPINIONS.

I SHALL COMPLAIN TO THE
COUNCIL FOR CIVIL LIBERTIES.

SINCE YOU'VE SPENT MOST OF THE
COFFEE BREAK TAKING UNCIVIL LIBERTIES,

I DON'T FANCY YOUR CHANCES.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOU'VE NOT
BOUGHT THAT WIG, HAVE YOU?

WELL NO, BUT THE SALESGIRL SAID

THAT AS SOON AS I PUT IT ON,

THE YEARS SEEMED
TO JUST DRIFT AWAY.

WEAR IT AROUND THE OTHER WAY,

THEY'LL BE RIGHT OUT OF SIGHT.

I'LL HAVE MY COFFEE
OUT BY THE FIRE EXIT.

HOW LONG WAS IT SINCE YOU
PUT THAT AD IN THAT MAGAZINE?

LET ME SEE, WHAT'S
SHE BOUGHT ME?

SHE BOUGHT ME A PAIR
OF GLOVES, SILK HANKY,

A PAIR OF SOCKS SOME AFTERSHAVE,

A WRITING PAD, SOME ENVELOPES,

A PAIR OF SHORTY PAJAMAS.
I'D SAY ABOUT 10 DAYS.

SHOULDN'T'VE WE BEEN
HEARING SOMETHING?

OH, I GOT SOME
REPLIES LAST NIGHT.

I PHONED ONE MAN. HE
SOUNDED QUITE NICE.

HE'S COMING IN ON HIS WAY TO WORK
THIS MORNING TO BE INTRODUCED.

- WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS?
- MY MOTHER CAME BACK,

AND I COULDN'T VERY WELL SIT THERE
ON THE PHONE TALKING TO STRANGE MEN

SAYING, "HELLO, YOU
DON'T KNOW ME, BUT..."

SO I WENT ROUND THE POST OFFICE.

I'VE SENT TELEGRAMS
TO EVERYBODY.

I'VE TOLD THEM TO COME
IN HERE, ASK FOR ME

AND I'LL INTRODUCE THEM.

- GOOD MORNING, SIR.
- GOOD MORNING.

- ARE YOU BEING SERVED?
- AH, MR. HUMPHRIES?

AH. HE'S OVER THERE, SIR.

MR. HUMPHRIES, A
GENTLEMAN FOR YOU.

- AH.
- AH.

- GOOD MORNING, SIR.
- GOOD MORNING.

- WHAT'S IT TO BE?
- WELL, WHO KNOWS,
YOUNG MAN?

PROBABLY THE
HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

BEG YOUR PARDON?

I'VE COME ABOUT
THE LADY IN THE...

IN THE ADVERT.

OH, YES.

SHE'S BEHIND YOU ON
THE LADIES COUNTER.

OH, REALLY? OH, CHARMING.

WHICH ONE? THE ONE ON THE
LEFT OR THE ONE ON THE RIGHT?

- THE ONE ON THE LEFT.
- ON THE LEFT, OH YES.

- CAN YOU SEE?
- YES, THANK YOU.

GOOD MORNING.

- WE CAN CROSS HIM OFF
FOR A START.
- YEAH.

NOW, PASS THOSE TIGHTS
DOWN TO ME, MISS BRAHMS.

I'M GOING TO SHOVE THEM
ALL INTO THIS BOTTOM DRAWER.

I COULD DO THAT FOR YOU.

NO, I'M BETTER DOING IT.

IT TAKES MY MIND
OFF OTHER THINGS.

BLIMEY, LOOK WHAT'S ARRIVED.

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE
DESCRIBED HER AS PETITE.

LOOK OUT, SHE'S
SMILING AT YOU AGAIN.

I'M NOT LOOKING.

YOU'LL HAVE TO IN A
MINUTE, SHE'S COMING OVER.

I'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER THING, I'M NOT
SITTING NEXT TO HER AT THE OPERA HOUSE.

OTHERWISE I'M NOT GOING.

HOW ARE YOU THIS
MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES?

BRIGHT-EYED AND
BUSHY-TAILED, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

YOU'VE BROKEN MY DREAM.

LAST NIGHT, I DREAMT THAT
YOU WERE SQUIRREL NUTKIN...

AND I WAS A LITTLE
LADY SQUIRREL.

AND YOU'D BUILT YOUR HOUSE

HALFWAY UP AN OAK TREE.

WAS IT THATCHED IN
DANDELION LEAVES?

- HOW DID YOU GUESS?
- I NEVER USE ANYTHING ELSE.

WELL, ANYWAY, IN MY DREAM,

I CLIMBED UP THE TREE,

AND I KNOCKED ON
YOUR LITTLE DOOR.

AND YOU PRETENDED
YOU WEREN'T IN,

SO I HAD TO KICK IT DOWN.

AND THERE YOU WERE

HIDING BEHIND YOUR ACORNS.

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT MEANS?

IT MEANS I'VE GOT TO BUILD IT A
DAMN SIGHT HIGHER NEXT YEAR.

( chuckles ) OH, I DO LOVE A
MAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.

I ALWAYS SAY, "IF A MAN
CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH,

EVERYTHING ELSE WILL FOLLOW."

IN MY CASE, MRS. SLOCOMBE, IT
MAY BE A VERY LONG WAY BEHIND.

I BROUGHT THESE FOR YOU.

I THOUGHT THEY'D BE LOVELY

IN FRONT OF A LITTLE LOG FIRE.

I HAVEN'T GOT A LOG FIRE.

HAVEN'T YOU NOW?

I KNOW WHERE
THERE'S A LOVELY ONE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE,

WOULD YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH TO
RETURN TO YOUR OWN COUNTER?

MR. HUMPHRIES IS NOT
HERE FOR IDLE CHIT-CHAT.

HE IS HERE TO SERVE CUSTOMERS.

IN THAT CASE... OH.

I'LL HAVE A SIZE 48 NIGHTSHIRT.

SIZE 48? THAT'S BIG
ENOUGH FOR TWO.

EXACTLY.

YES, YES, I APPRECIATE THAT AS
COLLEAGUES OF MRS. SLOCOMBE

YOU HAVE BEEN TRYING
TO COVER FOR HER.

BUT IT'S BEEN PLAIN
TO ME FOR SOME TIME

THAT SHE'S NOT BEEN
HERSELF. AS WITNESS THESE...

LETTERS OF COMPLAINT
FROM CUSTOMERS

CALLING HER "THE
CRABBY OLD COW,"

AND "A TETCHY OLD TROUT"

AND "A MISERABLE OLD BAT."

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, IN
ALL YOUR EXPERIENCE,

HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN
ONE OF OUR EMPLOYEES

TO BE DESCRIBED LIKE THAT?

NOT BY A CUSTOMER, SIR.

THE REASON FOR ALL
THIS BECOMES CLEAR

UPON THE DISCOVERY
OF THESE ITEMS.

( spritzes, sniffs )

GIN. AND, UH...

GIN. AND, UH...

GIN AGAIN.

NOW... WHERE IS SHE NOW?

PERHAPS SHE'S STILL
HAVING LUNCH, SIR.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, SHE HASN'T
EVEN BEEN INTO THE CANTEEN.

- ( knocking )
- ENTER.

WE FOUND MRS. SLOCOMBE, SIR.

SHE WAS IN THE
FOUR-HOUR BAR NEXT DOOR.

- OH.
- I THINK IT TEMPORARILY
SLIPPED HER MIND

WHAT THE TIME WAS
AND WHERE SHE WORKED.

MR. RUMBOLD, I HOPE
YOU'RE NOT LABORING

UNDER THE MISAPPREHENSION
THAT I WAS IN THERE BOOZING.

I ONLY POPPED IN TO BUY
A PACKET OF CRISSOPS.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, WITHOUT DOUBTING
YOUR WORD FOR ONE MOMENT,

WOULD YOU MIND
BLOWING INTO THIS BAG?

CERTAINLY, MR. RUMBOLD.

AND I MUST WARN YOU

THAT YOUR WHOLE
FUTURE AT GRACE BROTHERS

MAY DEPEND UPON THE RESULT.

ONLY ANOTHER
HUNDRED YARDS TO GO.

KEEP AT IT, MR. GRACE.

OH, THERE WE ARE.

I'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

YOU'VE BEEN DOING IT ON YOUR
OWN FOR THE LAST FIVE MINUTES.

YOU GET USED TO THAT SORT
OF THING AT MY TIME OF LIFE.

COME ALONG, YOU SHOULD BE
FEELING FIT AND HEALTHY NOW.

COME AND SIT DOWN.

- OOPS.
- OH.

- ( knocking )
- OH, COME IN.

THERE'S A BLOKE OUTSIDE WANTS
TO SELL YOU A MEDICAL CHAIR.

A MEDICAL CHAIR? WHAT'S THAT DO?

IT'S ELECTRICALLY OPERATED

AND IT SORT OF
RELAXES YOUR LIMBS.

YOU SIT IN IT, SWITCH ON,
AND IT MAKES YOU DO THIS.

I DO THAT ANYWAY.
TELL HIM TO GO AWAY.

OH, ALL RIGHT. GO AWAY.

MR. GRACE, THE FIRST FLOOR SAY

IF YOU WANT THEM TO
WAIT OUTSIDE ANY LONGER,

COULD THEY HAVE
COFFEE AND SANDWICHES?

TELL THEM TO COME IN.

- COME IN.
- Peacock: AFTER YOU,
MISS BRAHMS.

RUMBOLD, GET IN
HERE IMMEDIATELY,

AND BRING THAT MEDICAL
REPORT WITH YOU.

WELL, GET ON WITH IT.

YES, SIR. AS MRS.
SLOCOMBE'S BEHAVIOR

WAS SO AT VARIANT WITH
HER NORMAL CHARACTER,

WE HAD THE CASE EXAMINED
BY AN EMINENT PSYCHIATRIST.

WELL, SIR, WHAT,
IN EFFECT, HE SAYS

IS THAT MRS. SLOCOMBE
APPEARS TO HAVE BUILT UP

A FANTASY WORLD FOR HERSELF.

AND IN THIS WORLD
SHE'S DELUDED HERSELF

THAT SHE'S IN LOVE
WITH MR. HUMPHRIES.

NOW, AS MR. HUMPHRIES
HAS FAILED TO RESPOND...

- UNDERSTANDABLY...
- VERY UNDERSTANDABLY.

MRS. SLOCOMBE HAS
TAKEN TO THE BOTTLE.

I DIDN'T NEED TO PAY 100 QUID
TO HEAR THAT. WHAT'S THE CURE?

WELL, SIR, THE PSYCHIATRIST SAYS

THAT IN HIS EXPERIENCE, WHEN
FANTASY TURNS INTO REALITY,

IT OFTEN FADES AWAY.

IN OTHER WORDS, IF
MR. HUMPHRIES HAD A GO AT HER,

SHE'D RUN A MILE.

- YES, SIR.
- THERE'S NO PROBLEM THEN,
IS THERE MR. HUMPHRIES?

WELL, I MUST CONFESS, MR. GRACE,

I WOULD FIND IT VERY DIFFICULT.

WELL, JUST PRETEND
SHE'S THAT GIRL

THAT I GET SO EXCITED
ABOUT IN "DALLAS."

- WHAT'S HER NAME?
- SUE ELLEN.

OOH! OOH! MY LEG'S GONE.

THINKING ABOUT SUE ELLEN
WOULDN'T NECESSARILY HELP ME.

HOW ABOUT J.R.?

DO YOU ALWAYS GO LIKE THAT
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT J.R.?

OH, IT'S NOT HIM. IT'S THAT HAT.

WELL, SIR, THE FACT REMAINS

THAT IF MR. HUMPHRIES
COULD STEEL HIMSELF TO,

AS IT WERE, MAKE A BOLD ADVANCE,

THE SHOCK MIGHT CURE HER.

I AM SURE NONE OF US WANTS
TO LOSE MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OH NO, WE'RE ALL
VERY FOND OF HER.

I'D HAVE TO FIND THE RIGHT
PLACE AND THE RIGHT MOMENT.

HOW ABOUT IN THE BOX
AT THE BALLET TONIGHT?

YOU CAN PRETEND IT'S THE
BACK ROW OF THE PICTURES

AND YOU KNOW, GET IN
THERE AND "WHE-HEY!"

IT'LL BE BETTER AT COVENT GARDEN

'CAUSE THE USHERETTES
THERE DON'T HAVE TORCHES,

SO YOU CAN GET IN
THERE AND "WHE-HEY."

WHAT BALLET ARE
YOU GOING TO SEE?

"THE NUTCRACKER SUITE."

Peacock: COME ON, QUICKLY.

BE AS QUICK AS YOU CAN,
WE'VE MISSED THE BEGINNING.

OH, I'M VERY SORRY,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

BUT I HAD TO HAVE ANOTHER DRINK.

I'VE GOT THIS AWFUL DRY FEELING

AT THE BACK OF MY THROAT.

I THINK IT'S THE NEW
PERFUME I'M WEARING.

WHEN ARE THE
NUTCRACKERS COMING ON?

THAT'S THE BIG ONE AT THE END.

OH, SHE IS AND ALL. I
HADN'T NOTICED HER.

NO, I MEAN THAT BALLET IS IN THE
SECOND HALF OF THE PROGRAM.

( classical music plays )

OOH, DON'T THEY JUMP HIGH?

OH, LOOK WHAT'S JUST COME ON.

ISN'T HE HANDSOME?

YES, THAT'S NOBBLERKOV.
HE'S VERY BIG IN RUSSIA.

HE'S PRETTY BIG HERE, TOO.

WHY'S HE TWIDDLING HER AROUND
LIKE THAT, MAKING HER DIZZY?

THAT'S CALLED A PIROUETTE.

THAT'S CALLED AN ENTRECHAT.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- IT'S FRENCH.

ALL THE TERMS IN
BALLET ARE IN FRENCH.

THE ENTRE... AS IN ENTRE NOUS

MEANS "BETWEEN."

AND WHAT'S THE OTHER BIT?

WELL, C-H-A-T,
PRONOUNCED "SHAH," MEANS...

OOH, I KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS. IT'S FRENCH FOR PUSSY.

WHEN YOU SEE WHAT HE'S DOING TO
HER, IT MUST MEAN SOMETHING ELSE.

SHH. BE QUIET.

HAVE THEY ALL
FORGOTTEN THE WORDS?

THEY DON'T HAVE WORDS IN
BALLET, YOU IGNORANT BERK.

WHY'S SHE WAGGING HER
FINGER AT HIM LIKE THAT?

SHE'S REJECTING HIS ADVANCES.

OH, SHE'D HAVE TO DO A DAMN
SIGHT MORE THAN THAT IN CATFORD.

THIS IS THE FAMOUS PAS-DE-DEUX.

I KNOW WHAT PAS-DE-DEUX MEANS,

FATHER OF TWINS.

MR. HUMPHRIES. MR. HUMPHRIES.

MR. HUMPHRIES, I DON'T
WANT TO SPOIL YOUR EVENING,

BUT WE SAT YOU NEXT TO
MRS. SLOCOMBE FOR A PURPOSE.

YOU HAVE SPOILED MY EVENING.

- WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?
- ACT LIKE THE MAN
OF HER DREAMS.

AND GIVE HER KNEE THE TICKLE.

- HOW DO YOU MEAN?
- LIKE THIS.

( giggles )

GO ON.

I THINK HER LEG'S GONE TO SLEEP.

GIVE IT A SQUEEZE, LIKE THIS.

OH.

- GO ON THEN.
- I'M SORRY. MY MIND
WAS WANDERING.

- NOTHING.
- WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT
A STAGE FURTHER.

HOW DO I TAKE IT
A STAGE FURTHER?

LIKE THIS.

I CAN'T DO THAT
TO MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WELL, TAKE HER HAND AND DO THIS.

MISS BRAHMS!

WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DO THAT?

IN CATFORD. NOW GET ON WITH IT.

SHE'S DROPPED OFF.

SURELY SHE HASN'T
BEEN DRINKING IN THE BOX?

NO, OUT OF IT.
LIQUEUR CHOCOLATES.

WELL, MR. HUMPHRIES, IT
WOULD SEEM FOR THE MOMENT

YOUR PROBLEMS ARE OVER.

ON THE CONTRARY,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

THEY'RE JUST
BEGINNING. ( giggles )

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR, CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪