Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 8, Episode 6 - Closed Circuit - full transcript

Sales are the worst they've ever been at Grace Brothers and after some discussion they decide to film a short commercial to be shown on screens around the store. After a slow start, Miss.Brahms ends up being the perfect candidate for the ladies and gents department except for her cockney accent. But with a simple voice stand in, the commercial turns out great. But what will Miss.Brahms do when a rich bloke spots her on the t.v. and insists on taking her, and her sexy voice, out to dinner?

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

MR. SPOONER, MR. HUMPHRIES,
SET THE TABLE UP FOR THE MEETING.

Both: CERTAINLY,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I CAN'T
STAY MORE THAN 30 MINUTES.

I HAVE TO COLLECT MRS.
KLEIN FROM THE DENTIST.

YOU SEE, AFTER SHE'S HAD
GAS SHE GOES ALL FUNNY

AND CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.

IN THAT CASE, MR. KLEIN, SHE
WON'T KNOW YOU'RE LATE, WILL SHE?



I CAN'T BE LATE EITHER.

I'VE GOT TO BE AT
THE FIRST-AID POST

AT THE ROLLER DISCO BY 7:00.

HAVE YOU GOT A JOB THERE?

NO. I GO THERE TO SKATE. BUT I'M
ALWAYS IN THE FIRST-AID POST BY 7:00.

HE'S NOT LOOKING, COME ON.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, MISS BRAHMS.

- WERE YOU FORGETTING
THE CONFERENCE?
- IS IT TONIGHT?

IT HAD COMPLETELY GONE OUT OF MY
MIND. HADN'T IT YOURS, MISS BRAHMS?

YES, I CAN'T THINK WHY YOU
WANT ME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'VE NEVER GIVEN
YOU ANY IDEAS YET.

THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY
TRUE, MISS BRAHMS.

Harman: LET'S SEE.

NOW, I HEARD YOU WAS HAVING
A LATE-NIGHT CONFERENCE



SO I'VE BROUGHT SOME TEA
WHAT WE BREWED UP IN PACKING.

THAT'S VERY KIND
OF YOU, MR. HARMAN.

- A BISCUIT, A BIT OF CAKE?
- THANK YOU.

THIS IS... THIS IS VERY
CONSIDERATE OF YOU, MR. HARMAN.

I'VE GOT RICH TEA,
CHOCOLATE, BATTENBERG,

SWISS ROLL OR SHOULD THERE BE ANY
DEMAND, ONE PORTION OF FAIRY CAKE.

- AS I SAID,
MOST CONSIDERATE OF YOU.
- YEAH, NO TROUBLE AT ALL.

- 35p EACH.
- THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS.

GLAD YOU'RE READY. DO SIT DOWN.

THANK YOU, SIR.

OH, TEA AND CAKES.

I THINK WE'LL HAVE
THOSE ON THE FIRM.

IT'S 35p EACH, SIR.

I THINK WE'LL HAVE THOSE OFF THE
FLOOR. TAKE THEM AWAY, MR. HARMAN.

I RETIRE DEFEATED. I
WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW

THAT IF YOU'RE STILL
HERE IN 15 MINUTES TIME

I WILL HAVE LOCKED UP.

I'VE GOT THE MASTER KEY

AND IT'LL COST YOU
35p EACH TO GET OUT.

LOOK, BEFORE WE START, IF
WE'RE GOING TO BE STUCK HERE

HAVING A "CONFLAB"
FOR HOURS AND HOURS,

I'VE GOT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.

IF YOU MUST, YOU MUST, BUT
PLEASE MAKE IT A SHORT ONE.

I'LL BE AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

ARE YOU GOING TO
CALL THAT OIL RIGGER

THAT WAS CHATTING YOU
UP IN THE PUB LAST NIGHT?

CERTAINLY NOT. I WOULDN'T
DREAM OF SUCH A THING.

IN THAT CASE THEN, I'LL THROW
HIS PHONE NUMBER AWAY.

DON'T LITTER THE
FLOOR, MISS BRAHMS.

GIVE IT TO ME. I'LL
DISPOSE OF IT LATER.

DO YOU KNOW, I CAN'T
BEAR THEM BIG MUSCLEY MEN

WITH HAIRY CHESTS AND TATTOOS.

- THEY CAN ONLY
THINK OF ONE THING.
- I QUITE AGREE.

IS THAT A FIVE OR AN EIGHT?

PLEASE HURRY UP, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I'M WAITING FOR HIM TO ANSWER.

IT'S MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR.

HELLO. HELLO, IS THAT MR. AKBAR?

MRS. SLOCOMBE HERE,
YOUR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR.

I WONDER, WOULD
YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

WOULD YOU GO TO MY FRONT DOOR,

BEND DOWN AND LOOK
THROUGH THE LETTERBOX?

AND IF YOU CAN SEE MY PUSSY,

WOULD YOU DROP A
SARDINE ON THE MAT?

NO MR. AKBAR, I'M AT WORK.

HELLO? HELLO?

OH, SOMEBODY'S CUT US OFF.

I DO HOPE HE UNDERSTANDS.

HIS ENGLISH ISN'T TOO
GOOD, BUT HE'S VERY OBLIGING.

I'LL COME STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.

SALES FIGURES LAST WEEK
WERE THE WORST ON RECORD.

NOW, WHY? WE'VE GOT A GOOD
NAME, WE'RE IN A GOOD POSITION.

WHY AREN'T PEOPLE
COMING INTO THE STORE?

I BLAME IT ON THE BUSES.
THERE'S LESS OF THEM.

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?

BECAUSE THERE'S LESS OF
THEM, THEY'RE MORE CROWDED

SO MORE PEOPLE ARE STANDING UP AND
THEY'RE NOT WEARING OUT THEIR TROUSERS.

- AND SKIRTS.
- AND SKIRTS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

I THINK IT'S THE SILLIEST
SUGGESTION I'VE EVER HEARD.

YOU COME UP WITH SOMETHING THEN.

YES, YOU HAVEN'T COME
UP WITH ANYTHING YET.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, THE REASON
WHY OUR SALES ARE SO BAD

IS AS PLAIN AS THE
NOSE ON YOUR FACE.

YEAH, AND THAT'S PRETTY PLAIN.

WE'RE IN A RECESSION.

LALLY AND WILLETS
ARE NOT IN A RECESSION.

THEIR STORE'S ALWAYS
PACKED. BUSINESS IS BOOMING.

AH WELL, THEY'RE
MODERN, AREN'T THEY?

THEY'VE GOT A YOUNG MANAGEMENT

WITH DRIVE AND
IDEAS OF THEIR OWN.

THEY'VE GOT A BIG
TELEVISION SCREEN OUTSIDE

SHOWING WHAT'S ON IN THE STORE.

A FRIEND OF MINE PUT THAT IN.

SHOWS YOU ALL THE BARGAINS IN
ALL THE DIFFERENT DEPARTMENTS,

AND IT MAKES IT COZY
AND INTERESTING.

- I THINK...
- ( phone ringing )

THAT'LL BE MR. GRACE
WANTING A PROGRESS REPORT.

I THINK MR. HUMPHRIES MAY
HAVE PUT HIS FINGER ON IT.

HELLO? AH, MR. GRACE.
I'M GLAD YOU CALLED, SIR.

I'VE JUST HAD THE
MOST EXCITING IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE DO WHAT
LALLY AND WILLETS HAVE DONE?

I SUGGEST WE PUT
A TELEVISION SCREEN

INSIDE AND OUTSIDE THE STORE

TO SHOW WHAT'S GOING ON

AND TO ADVERTISE
OUR SPECIAL OFFERS.

I LIKE IT, RUMBOLD.

YOU'VE COME UP WITH THE GOODS.

DON'T SPEND TOO MUCH MONEY.

SORRY I'M LATE. MY
CONNECTION FAILED TO CONNECT.

- THIS IS MY FRIEND,
MR. FORTESCUE.
- OH, GOOD.

WHAT EXACTLY DOES THIS ENTAIL?

WELL, AT LALLY AND
WILLETS WHAT WE DID,

WE CHOSE A MEMBER
FROM EACH FLOOR

TO BE A KIND OF PARKINSON
CHARACTER, YOU KNOW THE SORT OF THING.

AND THEY INTRODUCED EACH
MEMBER OF THE DEPARTMENT

SO THEY COULD CHAT ABOUT
THEIR SPECIAL OFFERS, YOU KNOW.

NOW WHO'S GOING TO BE THE
PARKINSON OF THIS DEPARTMENT?

- I AM.
- WHAT AN UNEXPECTED CHOICE.

WELL, I THINK I HAVE
MORE EXPERIENCE

AT THIS SORT OF THING
THAN ANYBODY ELSE HERE.

I'M USED TO SPEAKING
AT BOARD MEETINGS.

WITH THE EMPHASIS ON THE BORED.

I'LL JUST GO AND GET
MY HAT AND COAT OFF.

RIGHT, I'LL SWITCH THIS
ON AND SEE IF IT'S WORKING.

AH YES, THERE WE ARE.

OH LOOK, THERE'S A PICTURE OF
THAT DUMMY COME UP ON THE SCREEN.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO SEE MYSELF ON TELLY.

HERE, POINT IT AT ME.

OH, JUST LOOK AT THAT.

I THINK YOU MUST HAVE SOMETHING
WRONG WITH YOUR CAMERA.

I LOOK ALL FAT.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH MY EQUIPMENT.

LET ME HAVE A DECO.

OH! OH, LOOK AT MY FACE.

I SHOULD BE IN PICTURES.

I KNEW A GIRL THAT LOOKED JUST
LIKE YOU, TRIED TO GET INTO PICTURES.

YEAH? WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

SHE ENDED UP ON THE
CUTTING ROOM FLOOR.

WHAT A SHAME.

WHAT PICTURE WAS
SHE SUPPOSED TO BE IN?

SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED
TO BE IN ANY PICTURE.

SHE WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED
TO BE IN THE CUTTING ROOM.

- MR. HUMPHRIES, COULD I
HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, PLEASE?
- CERTAINLY.

- MR. HUMPHRIES, I HAVE
A LITTLE PROBLEM.
- OH.

NO, NO.

IN THE PAST, MR. HUMPHRIES, I
HAVE FOUND IT VERY DIFFICULT

HANDLING PEOPLE WHO
AREN'T ACTUALLY ACTORS.

I MEAN, THEY CAN BE SO
SENSITIVE, CAN'T THEY?

- THEY CAN, THEY CAN.
- AND THEY GET UPSET SO EASILY.

SO WHAT I WONDERED WAS,
COULD YOU USE YOUR TACT

AND MAY I SAY CHARM,

TO CONVEY TO THESE
PEOPLE MY WISHES?

I MEAN AFTER ALL, YOU DO KNOW
THEM VERY WELL, DON'T YOU?

- LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND.
- AND I DO KNOW YOU.

MAY I SAY ONE GIN AND TONIC
IN THE GRENADIER'S RETREAT

DOES NOT AMOUNT TO
A LASTING FRIENDSHIP?

- I'LL DO MY BEST FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU.

RIGHT, I'M READY.
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?

FIRST OF ALL, PEOPLE,
COULD I HAVE YOU ALL

ON THIS SIDE OF
THE CAMERA PLEASE?

NICE AND QUIETLY,
NOW. THANK YOU.

THERE WE ARE.

EXCEPT YOU, SIR. IF
YOU'D COME OVER HERE.

NOW THEN WHAT
I'D LIKE YOU TO DO...

TAKE HOLD OF THIS
MICROPHONE. THANK YOU.

AND YOU SIT DOWN THERE.

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT.

ALL RIGHT. AND SAY YOUR PIECE.

- HOW'S THIS?
- NO, NO, HOLD IT.

LOOK AT THAT HEAD.

IT'S SHINING LIKE THE DOME
OF SAINT PAUL'S, ISN'T IT?

I MEAN, IT'S THE TOP
HALF OF HUMPTY-DUMPTY.

WE CAN'T HAVE THAT. GO
AND TELL HIM, MR. HUMPHRIES.

WHO, ME?

YOU SAID YOU WOULD.
GO AND TELL HIM.

VERY GOOD, MR. RUMBOLD.
VERY GOOD INDEED.

WE'VE GOT A SLIGHT
LIGHTING PROBLEM.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, CAN I
BORROW YOUR POWDER PUFF?

DO YOU WANT THE PALE ONE
OR THE ONE YOU HAD BEFORE?

THE DARK ONE WILL BE FINE.

PERSONALLY I'D FAVOR
SANDPAPER AND FRENCH CHALK.

HEY, GO EASY WITH THAT.

IT COSTS 10p A CARTON.

- HOW'S THAT?
- WELL, IT'S BETTER.

BUT WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THOSE GHASTLY EARS.

HE LOOKS LIKE A HANG GLIDER.

I'D HAVE SAID MORE
LIKE A WING NUT.

SHALL I SAY MY PIECE NOW?

NOT YET. NOT YET, MR. RUMBOLD.

WE'VE GOT A COUPLE OF PROBLEMS.

YES, ONE ON EITHER SIDE.

MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL HIM.

WE'VE GOT TO GET RID OF
THOSE RIDICULOUS EARS.

NO WONDER YOU
FIND PEOPLE SENSITIVE.

VERY GOOD, MR. RUMBOLD,
VERY GOOD INDEED.

IT'S RATHER... WE'VE GOT A SLIGHT
PROBLEM. IT'S RATHER A NARROW SCREEN.

WE CAN'T GET YOU ALL IN.

WOULD IT HELP IF I BREATHED IN?

NOT UNLESS YOU'VE
GOT LUNGS IN YOUR HEAD.

HOW'S THAT?

- THAT'S BETTER.
- MR. SPOONER, SELLOTAPE,
QUICK.

- HERE YOU ARE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- THANK YOU.

YES, YES. THAT'S A
MARKED IMPROVEMENT.

WE SEEM TO HAVE TRAVELED FROM
THE GROTESQUE TO THE BIZARRE.

DO YOU KNOW, I STILL
DON'T LIKE HIS HEAD.

THAT'S RATHER UNFORTUNATE,
'CAUSE HIS MOUTH'S IN IT

AND THAT'S THE BIT
WE'RE GOING TO USE.

SHALL I SPEAK NOW?

NO, NOT YET.

- CAN'T WE TRY A WIG ON HIM?
- OR A HEARTH RUG.

I WONDER IF YOU'D MIND
TRYING ONE OF THESE.

THEY'RE VERY POPULAR
WITH NEWSREADERS.

I DON'T MIND HAVING A BALD HEAD.

ACTUALLY, IT'S CONSIDERED
TO BE RATHER VIRILE.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE. WE DON'T
WANT PEOPLE COMING INTO THE STORE

FOR THE WRONG REASONS, DO WE?

- HOW'S THAT?
- YES, YES, YES,
I'LL BUY THAT.

IT'LL BE £12.50.

NO, I MEAN, I ACCEPT IT AS A...

IT'S A TECHNICAL... YOU
WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

- WELL, I THINK
WE'RE ABOUT READY.
- WE'LL TAKE OUR POSITIONS.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, IF YOU'LL
GO UP THERE, YOU'LL BE FIRST.

NOW THEN, MR. RUMBOLD,
WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO...

YOU SAY THE FIRST PART OF
YOUR SPEECH, YOU STAND UP.

YOU INTRODUCE MRS. SLOCOMBE
AND HAND OVER TO HER, ALL RIGHT?

- AND CUE.
- WHAT?

GO!

OH! GOOD MORNING, SHOPPERS.

OR AFTERNOON, AS
AS THE CASE MAY BE.

IT'S ALL HAPPENING HERE ON THE
FIRST FLOOR AT GRACE BROTHERS.

WE'VE GOT BARGAINS GALORE

AND SPECIAL OFFERS
YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE.

AND FRIENDLY, HAPPY,
JOLLY SALESPEOPLE.

AND HERE TO TELL YOU MORE
ABOUT IT IS MRS. SLOCOMBE.

HELLO THERE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

HELLO THERE, MR. RUMBOLD.

YES, IT'S ALL HAPPENING
IN MY UNDERWEAR TODAY.

YES, I'VE BEEN TELLING
THE SHOPPERS...

I'VE BEEN TELLING THEM ABOUT
YOUR MARVELOUS BARGAINS.

I DON'T BLAME YOU.

I'VE GOT THINGS THAT ARE
BIGGER, BETTER AND CHEAPER

THAN ANYWHERE ELSE.

SO COME UP AND SEE ME SOMETIME.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

- NO, YOU'LL HAVE
TO STOP, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IT'S THE LINES. JUST
LOOK AT THOSE LINES.

CAN'T YOU ADJUST YOUR SET?

THEY'RE NOT ON THE
SCREEN, THEY'RE ON HER FACE.

GO AND TELL HER SHE LOOKS 110.

BE TACTFUL, MR. HUMPHRIES.

MRS. SLOCOMBE...

WHAT IS IT? DID I DO
SOMETHING WRONG?

NO, NO. VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD.

I REALLY BELIEVED THAT
BIT ABOUT THE BARGAINS.

WE'VE GOT A SLIGHT
PROBLEM THOUGH.

DID YOU... DID YOU EVER SEE
A FILM CALLED "LOST HORIZON,"

WHEN THEY WERE
ALL IN SHANGRI-LA?

OH, THAT'S THE PLACE

WHERE THEY STAYED YOUNG FOREVER.

YES. DO YOU REMEMBER
THE OLD PRIEST SAID

IF THEY EVER LEFT THE VALLEY
THEY WOULD BECOME VERY, VERY OLD,

AND THIS YOUNG GIRL
DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM.

AND SHE LEFT AND SHE
WALKED DOWN THE PASSAGE,

AND WHEN SHE GOT TO
THE END SHE WAS 110.

WELL, WHAT'S THAT
GOT TO DO WITH ME?

YOU'RE HALFWAY DOWN THE
PASSAGE. YOU'LL HAVE TO BACK UP A BIT.

ISN'T MRS. SLOCOMBE READY YET?

SHE'LL BE READY IN 30 SECONDS.

I CAN'T IMAGINE ANY MAKEUP

THAT WOULD OBLITERATE
THE RAVAGES OF 50 YEARS.

I THINK PEOPLE LIKE
TO SEE A LIVED-IN FACE.

HERS IS MORE THAN
LIVED-IN. IT'S GOT SQUATTERS.

SHE'S PUTTING ON
ANTI-WRINKLE CREAM.

TIGHTENS THE SKIN, TAKES
OUT ALL THE WRINKLES.

I SPRAYED IT ON MY FRUIT
AT HOME. DO YOU KNOW...

IT TURNS PRUNES BACK INTO PLUMS.

AT LAST. WE'LL TRY YOUR SOLO BIT
AGAIN, MRS. SLOCOMBE, ALL RIGHT?

NOW UP ON THE STAIRS.

- YOU READY NIGEL?
- YEAH.

AND, CUE.

( strained ) HELLO, "SHOCKERS."

I KNOW YOU'LL BE INTERESTED
IN MY "HANTASTIC GARGENS."

I'VE GOT "GRASSIERES"
AT "HALF-CRICE,"

AND "CANTY" GIRDLES...

NO, NO, NO, STOP, STOP.

LOOK, THERE'S NOT A RISSOM
OF EXPRESSION ON HER FACE.

IT'S THAT WRINKLE CREAM. I TOLD
HER SHE WAS USING TOO MUCH.

IT'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

MY LADY WIFE USED
SOME OF THAT STUFF ONCE.

HALFWAY THROUGH SUPPER
THERE WAS A LOUD CRACK,

A SMALL AVALANCHE AND SHE WAS
BACK TO HER OLD WRINKLED SELF AGAIN.

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO SWANK,

BUT I'M DUE AT D.H.
EVANS IN HALF AN HOUR.

NOW CAN'T THIS GIRL DO IT?

I THINK THAT'S AN
EXCELLENT IDEA.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

I SUGGEST YOU GO TO FIRST
AID AND GET A POULTICE ON IT.

I SUGGEST YOU GO
AND "GOIL" YOUR HEAD.

DO YOU THINK
SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT?

IT'LL TAKE SOME TIME.

MY FRUIT LASTED ALL OVER
THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS.

- GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.
- GOOD MORNING, MR. GRACE.

- HOW'S IT ALL GOING?
- WE'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE
A GO AT MISS BRAHMS NOW.

THAT SHOULD GET A
CROWD ROUND THE STORE.

I'D LIKE YOU ALL ON THAT SIDE
OF THE CAMERA THIS TIME, PLEASE.

AS QUIETLY AS
POSSIBLE. THANK YOU.

MISS BRAHMS, TAKE
THIS MICROPHONE.

ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU READY, NIGEL?

ALL RIGHT, AND CUE.

HELLO, SHOPPERS. I KNOW
YOU'LL BE INTERESTED

IN ALL THESE FANTASTIC
SPECIAL OFFERS.

WE'VE GOT BRASSIERES
AT HALF-PRICE,

PANTY GIRDLES, DREAMY
NIGHTWEAR AT £4.50,

HEADSCARVES, HATS, HOSIERY

AND A HOST OF
UNBELIEVABLE BARGAINS.

SO COME UP AND SEE ME NOW.

WELL, SHE LOOKS VERY NICE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, MR. HARMAN?

- YOU CAN'T USE HER.
- WHY NOT?

HER VOICE, DEAD COMMON.

YES I AGREE. I AGREE.

MR. HUMPHRIES, GO AND TELL
HER SHE SOUNDS LIKE A FISHWIFE.

VERY GOOD, MISS BRAHMS.
VERY GOOD INDEED.

I WONDER IF YOU COULD
MAKE IT A BIT MORE UP-MARKET.

ROLL UP, ROLL UP, ROLL UP!

HAVE WE GOT A LOT OF
BARGAINS HERE TODAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NOT THAT SORT OF MARKET.

WHEN I SAY UP-MARKET, I
MEAN A BIT MORE POSHER.

THINK OF ANGELA
RIPPON AND ANNA FORD.

RIGHT, AND CUE. SORRY.

HELLO THERE, SHOPPING PEOPLE.

I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE ABSOLUTELY
AMAZED AT THE SUPER BARGAINS WE HAVE.

WE HAVE SUITS AND TROUSERS
IN BLUES AND BROWNS

FOR AROUND AND ABOUT £100.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

IT'S A GOOD TRY, BUT YOU
CAN'T HIDE COMMON, CAN YOU?

I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT IT'S ALMOST
TIME FOR MR. GRACE'S SPECIAL MEDICINE.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE VOICE.

IT'S SEXY, IT'S BELIEVABLE, IT'S
JUST WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

- SHE'S NOT A SALESGIRL.
- SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE
A SALESGIRL.

SHE COULD GET DOWN BEHIND
THE COUNTER AND SPEAK THE WORDS

AND THIS GIRL
COULD MIME TO THEM.

- THEN WE GET
THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS.
- COULD SHE HAVE A GO, SIR?

SHE'S GAME FOR ANYTHING,
AREN'T YOU, MY DEAR?

- COME ALONG.
- IT'S ALL ON THIS PIECE
OF PAPER. THANK YOU.

- THERE WE ARE.
- THANK YOU.

- AND...
- GO.

- YOU SAID CUE LAST TIME.
- IT'S MY PROGRAM.

Nurse's voice: HELLO, SHOPPERS.

I KNOW YOU'LL BE INTERESTED IN
ALL THESE FANTASTIC SPECIAL OFFERS.

WE'VE GOT BRASSIERES
AT HALF-PRICE,

PANTY GIRDLES...

HERE, JUST A MINUTE,
TELL HER TO GET A MOVE ON.

I'M IN ME DREAMY NIGHTWEAR AND
SHE'S STILL IN HER PANTY GIRDLES.

( bell ringing )

Peacock: I'M SORRY, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THE STORE IS NOW CLOSING.

WOULD YOU MIND?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK HEAVEN FOR
THAT. WHAT A DAY.

DO YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
RUSHED OFF MY FEET.

YEAH, THAT TELEVISION
IDEA WORKED A TREAT.

- HOW DID YOU DO, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
- IT WAS LIKE CHRISTMAS EVE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE IT.

YEAH, I'VE MADE ENOUGH IN
COMMISSION TO BUY A PAIR OF SHOES

TO REPLACE THE ONES
I WORE OUT TODAY.

YOU HAVE ONLY YOURSELF
TO BLAME FOR THAT.

I POPPED DOWN TO THE ENTRANCE
AND THAT BIT YOU DID ON THE SCREEN

CERTAINLY CAUSED QUITE A STIR.

YEAH, THAT NURSE'S
POSH SEXY VOICE

AND YOUR SEXY LOOKS
WERE A GREAT COMBINATION.

HEY, SHIRLEY. THIS CAME
SPECIAL MESSENGER.

IT SAYS "TO THE YOUNG GIRL ON THE
LADIES' COUNTER." I THINK IT'S FOR YOU.

IT'S MARKED PERSONAL AND
PRIVATE, AND YOU'VE OPENED IT.

OF COURSE. THERE MIGHT
HAVE BEEN A BOMB IN IT.

GO ON, READ IT.

IT'S GOT AN OFFICIAL STAMP ON.
DO YOU THINK IT'S INCOME TAX?

NO, THAT'S A CREST, THAT
IS. TWO RAMPANT UNICORNS.

"DEAR SEXY VOICE, I'M AFRAID
I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME

BUT I WAS DRIVING
PAST YOUR STORE TODAY

- WHEN MY FURRY... FAIRY..."
- FERRARI.

"WHEN MY FERRARI
RAN OUT OF PETROL.

WHILE I WAS WAITING FOR MY
CHAUFFEUR TO BRING SOME IN MY ROLLS,

- I WAS ENRU... ENRUPTURED..."
- ENRAPTURED.

"I WAS ENRAPTURED BY
YOUR DEEP SEDUCTIVE VOICE

ON THE TV AT THE
ENTRANCE OF YOUR STORE.

I'M DYING TO MEET YOU.

CAN YOU DINE WITH ME TONIGHT?

I WILL PHONE AT 5:30
FOR YOUR ANSWER.

YOURS, HIRLY." HIRLY, THAT'S
A FUNNY CHRISTIAN NAME.

THAT'S NOT A CHRISTIAN NAME.
HERE, LOOK. LOOK, HE'S A LORD.

HE ENCLOSED A PHOTO OF HIM STANDING
OUTSIDE THE FRONT OF HIS HOUSE.

OH LOOK, HE LIVES IN
A DETACHED CASTLE.

IT'S NEARLY HALF PAST 5:00.
HE'LL BE PHONING IN A MINUTE.

DINNER TONIGHT. I HAVEN'T GOT
TIME TO GO HOME AND GET CHANGED.

I'LL HAVE TO BORROW
SOMETHING FROM STOCK.

MY DEAR, TAKE ADVICE
FROM AN OLDER WOMAN.

DON'T APPEAR TOO
KEEN. PLAY HARD TO GET.

SAY YOU'RE NOT
AVAILABLE TONIGHT.

IF HIS INTENTIONS ARE
SERIOUS, HE'LL TRY AGAIN.

OH, I USED TO DANGLE MYSELF

LIKE A CARROT IN FRONT OF THEM.

BUT I NEVER LET
THEM GET A NIBBLE.

BIT LATE FOR THAT NOW. NOT MUCH
CALL FOR DRIED VEGETABLES THESE DAYS.

BUT WHAT SHALL I SAY TO HIM?

TELL HIM... TELL HIM
YOU'RE HAVING DINNER

WITH YOUR MILLIONAIRE BOYFRIEND.

NO, NO, YOU MUSTN'T SAY THAT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO PUT HIM OFF.

YOU WANT TO APPEAR UNSULLIED.

TELL HIM YOU'RE TRAINING
TO BE A CARMELITE NUN

AND MONDAY NIGHT'S
PRACTICE NIGHT.

- ( phone ringing )
- BLIMEY, THAT'LL BE HIM.

I'LL GET IT.

LADIES INTIMATE APPAREL.

LORD WHOM?

OH YES.

THE LADY WHAT YOU REQUIRE

IS ENTITLED MISS BRAHMS.

BUT I'M AFRAID
SHE'S JUST LEAVING.

HOWEVER, IF YOU WOULDN'T
MIND HANGING ON A MO,

I'LL SEE IF I CAN APPREHEND HER.

IT'S HIM. HE SOUNDS
EVER SO NICE.

WHAT SHALL I SAY?

WHATEVER IT IS, MAKE SURE IT SOUNDS
LIKE THE NURSE THAT DID YOUR VOICE.

HELLO. YES, THIS IS I.

( giggling ) OH, HOW KIND.

NO I'M AFRAID I
CAN'T DO IT TONIGHT.

HE'S KEEN, ISN'T HE?

I HAVE A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT.
I'M DINING AT ROMANO'S.

WITH MATER AND PATER.

YES. HE'S VERY HIGH UP
IN THE ARMY, YOU KNOW,

AND WE'RE HAVING A BIT OF
A NOSH WITH A CHUM OF HIS

WHO'S VERY HIGH UP
IN SOMETHING ELSE.

OH, OH I SEE.

WELL, YES, I'M SURE
THAT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU THERE
THEN. BYE BYE.

KNICKERS!

WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE SAYS HE'LL MEET US
THERE AND THE BILL'S ON HIM.

OH, THAT'S TORN IT.

YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO TURN
UP AND DANGLE YOUR CARROT.

WHAT, AFTER THAT
COCK AND BULL STORY

ABOUT MATER AND PATER AND
HIS CHUM HIGH UP IN SOMETHING?

HE'LL SEE THROUGH ME IN A MINUTE. I
WON'T BE ABLE TO CARRY IT THROUGH.

YOUR DAD WAS IN THE
ARMY. HE COULD GO WITH YOU.

HE'S A BUS DRIVER.

HE COULD TAKE THE
NUMBER OFF HIS CAP.

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.

MAKING ME SAY I WAS HAVING
DINNER WITH MY FATHER.

I DIDN'T SAY YOU WERE TO
TELL HIM HE WAS IN THE ARMY

AND ALL THAT RUBBISH
ABOUT HIS HIGH-UP CHUM.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

IF YOU TAKE MY ADVICE, SAY GOODBYE
TO ST. MORITZ AND THE SOUTH OF FRANCE,

GO HOME AND OPEN
A TIN OF BAKED BEANS.

NO, NO, NO, I DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD GIVE UP SO EASILY.

NOW LOOK, I'M SURE IF WE
ALL PUT OUR HEADS TOGETHER

WE CAN COME UP WITH A
SOLUTION OF SOME SORT.

NOW, WHAT I THINK...

- HERE'S YOUR TABLE,
BRIGADIER BRAHMS.
- THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH.
- LADY BRAHMS.

NOW, WHILE YOU'RE STUDYING
THE MENU, A LITTLE DRINK?

MADAM, A NICE APERITIF?

THANK YOU, AND
THEY'RE MY OWN, TOO.

NO...

WHAT DRINK DO
YOU FANCY, MY DEAR?

WHAT WAS THE NAME
OF THAT COCKTAIL

WHAT WE HAD AT THE
BUNCH OF GRAPES?

OH YEAH, IT WAS SORT
OF LEMONY GINNY THING.

TWO JOHN THOMASES, PLEASE.

TWO JOHN COLLINS, WAITER.

AND I'LL HAVE A LARGE PINK GIN.

THANK YOU, SIR.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE
PRICES? ISN'T IT WICKED?

I THOUGHT MR. HUMPHRIES WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE JOINING US HERE.

HE'S GETTING HIS DINNER
JACKET FROM THE CLEANERS.

OH, WHY COULDN'T YOU
HAVE WORN A DINNER JACKET?

YOU SAID I WAS
HIGH UP IN THE ARMY.

YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO BE A BRIGADIER.

I COULD HAVE BEEN
IF I'D STAYED ON.

OH, THE CAVIAR SOUNDS
RATHER TEMPTING.

HERE, THAT'S £10 A THROW.
YOU'RE NOT HAVING THAT.

MISS BRAHMS, WE ARE HERE TO GIVE
YOU A RESPECTABLE BACKGROUND.

AND AS LORD HIRLY IS GENEROUS
ENOUGH TO FOOT THE BILL,

I DON'T SEE WHY WE SHOULDN'T
HAVE A GOOD MEAL WHILE WE'RE AT IT.

THAT'S ALL YOUR
HERE FOR, ISN'T IT?

WELL, ON OUR WAGES, ALL WE
COULD AFFORD IN THIS PLACE

WOULD BE EGG AND CHIPS.

LOOK OVER THERE.

IT'S NOT MR. HUMPHRIES, IS IT?

Mrs. Slocombe: I'M AFRAID IT IS.

DON'T HAVE THE KIDNEYS.
SOMEBODY'S SET FIRE TO THEM.

AND BEFORE YOU
SAY ANYTHING ELSE,

MY SUIT HADN'T COME
FROM THE CLEANERS.

HE HAPPENED TO BE A GOOD FRIEND
OF MINE, SO HE'S LOANED ME THIS.

IT'S GOT TO BE BACK FIRST
THING IN THE MORNING

BECAUSE RUNCIE NEEDS IT FOR
A CONFERENCE AT CANTERBURY.

- A MENU, YOUR GRACE?
- BLESS YOU, MY SON.

YOU'RE GOING TO
RUIN THIS FOR ME.

NO ONE'S GOING TO
BELIEVE YOU'RE A BISHOP.

AH, MONSIGNOR.

( speaking French )

IT'S ALL GO IN THE
CHURCH, ISN'T IT?

18 CARAT, NOT BAD.

THERE, YOU SEE? EVERYTHING'S
GOING TO BE PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT

AS LONG AS WE KEEP CALM
AND YOU LET ME DO THE TALKING.

MISS BRAHMS, YOU SPEAK
AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE.

- WHAT ABOUT ME?
- YOU DRINK AS LITTLE
AS POSSIBLE.

AND PULL YOUR VEIL DOWN.

NOW LOOK, EVERYBODY, JUST
BEHAVE ABSOLUTELY NORMALLY.

OH HECK, IT'S MR. GRACE.

OOH.

- GET UP. GET UP, GET UP.
- ANY PROBLEMS, SIR?

I'M JUST TAKING A
CONFESSION. WON'T BE LONG.

GET BACK IN YOUR SEATS.

HE'LL NEVER RECOGNIZE
US DRESSED LIKE THIS.

HELLO, PEACOCK. ANOTHER
REGIMENTAL REUNION?

THAT'S RIGHT, SIR. YES.

THE WIFE SEEMS A
BIT PLAYFUL TONIGHT.

IF YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN,
PERHAPS YOU'D CARE TO JOIN US?

WELL, SIR, WE'RE
EXPECTING SOME GUESTS.

AH, HERE THEY ARE, SIR.

DON'T TELL ANYONE YOU'VE SEEN
ME OUT WITH THE GIRLS, WILL YOU?

I WOULDN'T LIKE TO GET A
BAD REPUTATION IN THE STORE.

YOUR SECRET WILL GO NO
FURTHER THAN THIS TABLE, SIR.

YOU CAN'T STAY
LIKE THAT ALL NIGHT.

GET RID OF THE CANDLES.

- MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
- YES, WHY NOT?

WHAT DO YOU FANCY, MY DEAR?

SMOKED SALMON AND PHEASANT.

- SHIRLEY?
- LOBSTER THERMOSTAT.

YOUR GRACE?

- MAY I RECOMMEND
THE SWEETBREADS?
- HOW ARE THEY DONE?

IT'S NOT HOW THEY'RE DONE THAT
WORRIES ME, IT'S WHERE THEY'RE FROM.

I'LL HAVE PATE DE FOIE
GRAS AND GUINEA FOWL.

- I'LL HAVE THE VENISON.
- IT'S VERY WELL HUNG, SIR.

THAT IS OF NO INTEREST
TO ME WHATSOEVER.

OH, AND... AND CHAMPAGNE.

- CLICQUOT '71.
- AND MAKE IT A BIG ONE.

I CAN BRING A JEROBOAM
IF YOU'D LIKE ONE.

NO, JUST TELL US WHERE IT IS.

WE'LL MAKE OUR OWN WAY
THERE WHEN THE NEED ARISES.

GOOD EVENING, YOUR LORDSHIP.
HAVE YOU A RESERVATION?

- NO, ACTUALLY,
I'M JOINING SOME PEOPLE.
- MAY I TAKE YOUR COAT?

OH LOOK, IT'S HIM.
ISN'T HE HANDSOME?

ALL THAT AND A
CASTLE TO PUT IT IN.

NOW REMEMBER, REMEMBER,
LET ME DO THE TALKING.

IF YOU HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING,

IT WAS THE LOW SEXY
VOICE THAT ATTRACTED HIM.

NOW, I HOPE YOU'RE BOTH HUNGRY.

I'M ABSOLUTELY RAVENOUS.

I HAVEN'T HAD A BITE ALL DAY.

THAT VOICE. I'D
RECOGNIZE IT ANYWHERE.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M LORD HIRLY.

YOU WERE IN THAT GRACE
BROTHERS COMMERCIAL THING.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- I MUST SAY YOU LOOK EVEN
MORE ATTRACTIVE IN THE FLESH

THAN YOU DID ON THE
SCREEN OUTSIDE THE STORE.

MAY I SIT DOWN? WITH
YOUR PERMISSION, SIR.

- WELL, IF SHE DOESN'T MIND.
- AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED

YOU CAN STAY FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE.

- GARÇON?
- SIR?

WE ORDERED PHEASANT, LOBSTER,

VENISON, PATE DE FOIE GRAS,

GUINEA FOWL, AND CHAMPAGNE.

I'D LIKE TO MAKE A
SLIGHT ALTERATION.

CERTAINLY, SIR. WHAT
WOULD YOU LIKE?

EGG AND CHIPS FOUR
TIMES AND A POT OF TEA.

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪