Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 8, Episode 5 - Heir Apparent - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

MR. KLEIN, WHAT BRINGS YOU
HERE AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING?

OH, IT'S MR. GRACE'S IDEA.

HE WANTS ME TO HELP OUT
WITH THE SALES NEXT WEEK.

REALLY? WELL, IN THAT CASE

I SHALL HAVE TO ADD YOUR
NAME TO THE STAFF LIST.



MR. KLEIN OF CUTTING.

IS THAT SPELLED
WITH A "C" OR A "K"?

"K" FOR THE KLEIN,
"C" FOR THE CUTTING.

"MR. KLEIN OF CUTTING."
SIGN HERE PLEASE, WILL YOU?

- All: GOOD MORNING,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- GOOD MORNING.

YOU WILL BE PLEASED TO NOTE

THAT MR. KLEIN FROM CUTTING
IS JOINING US FOR THE SALE.

OH, GOOD MORNING, MR. KLEIN.

♪ ROLLING ROUND THE WORLD ♪

♪ LOOKING FOR... ♪

CRIKEY! HALF AN HOUR
EARLY. WHAT'S UP? INSOMNIA?

NO, THE SALE STARTS MONDAY.

TODAY'S SATURDAY WHEN WE, THE
HUMBLE STAFF OF GRACE BROTHERS,

ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE FIRST
CRACK AT WHATEVER WE FANCY.



IN THAT CASE I'LL BAGS
FIRST GO WITH MISS BRAHMS.

OH, CANCEL THAT.
SHE LOOKS TERRIBLE.

DO YOU KNOW, I
WAS AWAKE ALL NIGHT

WORRYING I WOULDN'T WAKE UP.

WORRIED?

WHO'D WANT TO BUY RUBBISH
LIKE THIS EVEN IN A SALE?

Peacock: NORMALLY NO ONE.

BUT THERE IS ONE ITEM THAT MRS.
PEACOCK HAS ASKED ME TO BUY FOR HER.

OY! HANG ON A MINUTE!

I'M THE ONE THAT
REDUCED IT TO THAT.

IT IS MY DEPARTMENT
AND IT'S THE ONLY CHANCE

I'LL EVER GET OF PAYING
THAT PRICE FOR A FUR COAT.

YOU COULD ALWAYS
PAY ANOTHER PRICE.

LOOKING LIKE THAT, YOU'LL BE
LUCKY TO GET A PAIR OF EARMUFFS.

IF YOU WANT IT, IT'LL
BE OVER MY DEAD BODY!

PLEASE, LOOK, MRS. KLEIN AND
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 40 YEARS

AND SHE'S NEVER HAD A FUR COAT

AND AFTER ALL, SHE IS IN
THE TWILIGHT OF HER LIFE.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, WHO'S
GOING TO SEE HER IN THE DARK?

NOBODY ASKED MY OPINION,
AS A MEMBER OF THE STAFF,

I'M JUST AS ENTITLED
TO BUY IT AS YOU ARE.

IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT.

AFFORD IT?

ON MY OVERTIME ALONE
I CAN AFFORD TWO.

AS MY WIFE QUITE RIGHTLY
SAYS THEY'RE DEAD COMMON.

MIND YOU, IT'D LOOK ALL
RIGHT ON MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OOH, THAT'S THE
TROUBLE NOWADAYS,

ALL THE WRONG
PEOPLE HAVE THE MONEY.

OH, NEVER MIND. LOOK, AS WE
ALL SEEM WANT THE SAME THING,

PERHAPS WE SHOULD
DRAW STRAWS FOR IT.

WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY STRAWS.

AND THE CANTEEN
DOESN'T OPEN TILL 10:30.

MR. HUMPHRIES ISN'T HERE.
WE SHOULD GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

OF COURSE HE'S NOT HERE. HE
HASN'T GOT A WIFE OR A GIRLFRIEND.

- SO HE'S NOT IN FOR IT.
- ( alarm clock ringing )

DO I TAKE IT, MR. HUMPHRIES,

THAT YOU HAVE SPENT
THE NIGHT ON THE COUNTER?

I DIDN'T WANT TO BE LATE FOR THE
SALE. BUT TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE UP, I WAS
HAVING SUCH A LOVELY DREAM.

- WHAT WAS IT?
- I DREAMT THAT ENGLAND
WERE PLAYING WALES AT RUGBY

AND I WAS ABOUT TO HURL MYSELF
INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE SCRUM.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU DREAMT
YOU WERE PLAYING RUGBY FOR ENGLAND?

NO, I WAS IN THE CROWD,
BUT I GOT CARRIED AWAY. I DO.

HAVE YOU COME FOR THAT COAT?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I HAVE.

- IT'S NOT YOUR COLOR.
- IT'S FOR MY MOTHER.

YOU'VE GOT A FIVE TO ONE
CHANCE BECAUSE WE ALL WANT IT.

AS MRS. SLOCOMBE WON'T AGREE TO
DRAWING STRAWS, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WAIT A MINUTE, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE ALL
BLINDFOLD OURSELVES

AND THE FIRST ONE TO GRAB
HOLD OF IT, IS THE LUCKY ONE?

I'M NOT WALKING AROUND
HERE BLINDFOLDED

WITH A LOT OF HANDS
WAITING TO GET LUCKY.

- ( alarm clock rings )
- AND THAT GOES FOR ME, TOO.

COULD BE YOUR LAST CHANCE.

- IGNORE HIM.
- I AM.

IT'S NOT EASY, BUT I AM.

I THINK I'VE GOT THE SOLUTION. WHY
DON'T WE TREAT IT LIKE THE OLYMPIC GAMES?

WE'LL ALL GO DOWN
TO THE GROUND FLOOR,

LINE UP AT THE
BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS

AND ON THE WORD GO,
WE'LL ALL RUN UP HERE

AND THE FIRST ONE TO
GRAB THE TICKET GETS IT.

I'LL GO ALONG WITH THAT. BUT
THE LADIES SHOULD HAVE A START.

OH, YES, THE MEN
MUST BE HANDICAPPED.

NO, NO, I AM ALREADY
HANDICAPPED.

I STILL HAVE A SLIGHTLY STIFF
LEG AS A RESULT OF A WAR WOUND.

- A GERMAN BULLET?
- ACCORDING TO THE WAY
I HEARD IT,

HE SAT ON A RUSTY
FORK IN THE COOKHOUSE.

IT DID NOT HAPPEN
IN THE COOKHOUSE.

I WAS IN THE DESERT
RESTING BY A TANK.

- A CENTURION?
- NO, SEPTIC.

IF HE HAS A BAD LEG, HE CAN
START JUST AFTER MISS BRAHMS.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. I'VE GOT
A DISADVANTAGE... MY AGE.

OH, WELL IN THAT CASE,

YOU CAN START ALONGSIDE
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

REALLY?

MR. HUMPHRIES, DO YOU
HAVE A HANDICAP, TOO?

NOT THAT WOULD MAKE
ANY DIFFERENCE, NO.

BUT I DO THINK I OUGHT TO
START IN FRONT OF MR. SPOONER.

HE'S SO YOUNG AND AGILE.

WELL THEN, IT'S MRS. SLOCOMBE
AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS,

FOLLOWED BY MISS BRAHMS.

BEHIND HER, MR. KLEIN AND
MYSELF, THEN MR. HUMPHRIES,

THEN OUTSIDE IN THE
STREET, MR. SPOONER.

- RIGHT. COME ON.
- Peacock: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

All: GOOD MORNING, MR. GRACE.

- WHICH COAT WAS IT, DEAR?
- THIS ONE HERE.

PUT IT ON MY ACCOUNT, PEACOCK.

- BUT IT'S IN THE SALE, SIR.
- EVEN BETTER.

OH, SIR, I'LL NEVER FORGET
HOW HAPPY YOU'VE MADE ME.

WHEN WAS THAT?

CARRY ON, EVERYBODY,
YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

( all muttering )

IS THIS TEA OR COFFEE?

DOES IT TASTE FAINTLY
OF BITTER COCONUT?

( smacking ) NOW
YOU MENTION IT, YES.

IT'S TEA.

WHEN I PHONED MRS. KLEIN ABOUT
THE FUR COAT, SHE WAS IN TEARS.

I SHALL HAVE TO TAKE HER
OUT FOR A NICE LUNCH NOW.

YOU BRING HER HERE,
SHE'LL BE IN TEARS AGAIN.

IT'S DISGUSTING THE
WAY THEY FEED US.

- AND THE WAY THEY PAY US.
- YEAH, MR. GRACE IS PAST IT.

I RECKON HE OUGHT TO RETIRE.

SPENDING THE
PROFITS ON A FUR COAT

FOR A CHIT OF A
GIRL, IT'S DISGUSTING.

I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT
SHE HAD TO DO TO GET IT.

OH, IF YOU PLAY
YOUR CARDS RIGHT,

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
FLUTTER YOUR EYELIDS AND SMILE

AND YOU CAN GET
ANYTHING YOU WANT.

MR. SPOONER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

- GRINNING AT ME LIKE THAT?
- I WANT THE SUGAR.

SORRY TO TROUBLE
YOU DURING YOUR BREAK.

BUT I'VE BEEN ASKED TO
NOMINATE A CANDIDATE

FOR THE GRACE BROTHERS
SALESPERSON OF THE YEAR COMPETITION.

BASED ON SALES FIGURES
FOR THE PAST SIX MONTHS,

I HAVE, OF COURSE,
NOMINATED MR. HUMPHRIES.

OH, WELL DONE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

I THINK A ROUND OF
APPLAUSE IS IN ORDER.

( half-hearted applause )

MAY I THANK YOU FOR
YOUR TOUCHING RECEPTION?

I'M COMPLETELY UNDERWHELMED.

- IS THERE A PRIZE?
- IF HE WINS AGAINST
THE OTHER DEPARTMENTS,

HIS NAME IS ENGRAVED ON THE
SOLID SILVER CHALLENGE CUP.

- I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN THAT.
- IT'S KEPT IN THE BOARDROOM.

THE WINNER DOES OF COURSE
RECEIVE A THREE-INCH REPLICA

IN SILVER-COLORED PLASTIC.

OH, YEAH, MR. FEATHERSTONE
HAD ONE OF THEM ONCE

AND HE HAD IT ON
HIS MANTELPIECE.

ONE DAY HE SNEEZED
AND BLEW IT INTO THE FIRE.

THERE ALSO HAS TO BE A REPORT FROM
HIS COLLEAGUES. I HAVE THE FORM HERE.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, PERHAPS
YOU WOULDN'T MIND FILLING IT UP?

- I'D LIKE IT
BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
- BUT THIS IS OUR BREAK, SIR.

PEACOCK, I'M STILL CONSIDERING
THAT RISE THAT YOU ASKED ABOUT.

WOULD 10 MINUTES
BE ALL RIGHT, SIR?

SPLENDID.

EH, "PROGRESS REPORT

ON WILBERFORCE CLAYBORNE
HUMPHRIES, AGED..."

SHH! KEEP YOUR
VOICE DOWN, PLEASE.

THAT'S PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.

I DON'T WANT THE
WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW

THAT I'M ACCELERATING DOWN
THE ROAD OF LIFE TOWARDS 40.

ACCORDING TO THIS FORM, YOU CAN
SEE IT CLEARLY IN YOUR REAR-VIEW MIRROR.

NOW, MARKS OUT OF
10 FOR PUNCTUALITY?

WELL, HE'S NEVER BEEN LATE.

EXCEPT LAST THURSDAY WEEK.

THAT WASN'T HIS FAULT.
SOMEBODY SNATCHED HIS HANDBAG.

THAT WASN'T MY HANDBAG,
IT WAS MY MOTHER'S.

I WAS BRINGING IT BACK TO HAVE
THE CROCODILE STUCK BACK ON IT.

ANYWAY, THE POLICE
COMPLIMENTED ME

ON THE WAY I BROUGHT DOWN
THE THIEF WITH A FLYING TACKLE

AFTER A 60-YARD SPRINT
THROUGH THE MARKETPLACE.

MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU CAN
HARDLY BOAST ABOUT MAKING

A CITIZEN'S ARREST ON AN
ORGAN-GRINDER'S MONKEY.

IT HAD A VERY STRONG RIGHT
ARM FROM TURNING THAT HANDLE.

NINE OUT OF 10 FOR PUNCTUALITY.

GENERAL MANNER?

I WOULD SAY, "GENIAL."

YEAH, HE HAS GOT A NICE SMILE.

AND HE HAS A WAY WITH WOMEN.

AS WELL.

I'LL PUT, "GOOD MIXER."

NEXT QUESTION: "CUSTOMER
HANDLING." ANY COMMENTS?

NOBODY'S COMPLAINED.

EXCEPT THAT BRAZILIAN
BALLET DANCER.

NO, THAT WAS WHEN I COMPLAINED.

HE BOUGHT A VERY
TIGHT PAIR OF TROUSERS.

AND I HAD TO GIVE HIM A LIFT

TO SEE IF THE SEAMS
WERE STRONG ENOUGH.

THAT WAS THE ONE WE HAD TO
GIVE A CREDIT NOTE TO, WASN'T IT?

YEAH, AND MR. HUMPHRIES GOT
TWO FREE TICKETS FOR "SWAN LAKE."

YES, CUSTOMER
HANDLING, "ACCOMPLISHED."

"KNOWLEDGE OF STOCK?"

I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT AND
I KNOW WHAT I'M SHORT OF.

SOMETIMES I'M SHORT
OF WHAT I WISH I'D GOT.

"CONVERSANT WITH STOCK."

"HOW DOES HE
REACT TO AUTHORITY?"

I'M ALWAYS THERE WHEN YOU
NEED ME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AVAILABLE TO
ANSWER THE CALL FOR A CUSTOMER.

AND EVEN WHEN HE'S
BUSY, HE HAS BEEN KNOWN

TO HELP ME WITH MY STOCK.

IF EVER YOU ASK HIM TO
DO ANYTHING FOR YOU,

HE ALWAYS WILL
WITHOUT COMPLAINING.

WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING
FOR TO DESCRIBE THAT?

HOW ABOUT "CRAWLER"?

IT'S EITHER "UBIQUITOUS"
OR "UNCTUOUS."

BUT I THINK FOR THIS REPORT
THE WORD "EXCELLENT" WILL DO.

ON ACCOUNT OF HE CAN'T
SPELL THE OTHER TWO.

"TIDY?" "YES."

APPEARANCE IN
CLOTHES?" "VERY GOOD."

"A SHARP PENCIL
ALWAYS IN TOP POCKET?"

"NEVER WITHOUT PENCIL."

"DOES STAFF MEMBER TAKE PART
IN ANY OF OUR SOCIAL ACTIVITIES?"

NOT OFFICIALLY,
BUT I WAS THINKING

OF JOINING THE WHIST
CLUB TO KEEP FIT.

HOW WILL THAT KEEP YOU FIT?

THEY TAKE SUCH A
LONG TIME OVER IT,

BY THE TIME THEY FINISH,
THE LAST BUS HAS GONE

AND YOU'VE GOT TO RUN HOME.

SURELY YOU COULD WALK?

HAVE YOU SEEN ME WALK?

I'LL PUT, "ON THE FRINGE."

NOW, I JUST HAVE TO ADD
MY GENERAL COMMENTS

AND TAKE THIS TO MR. RUMBOLD.

OH, YES... THEY WANT
A PHOTOGRAPH OF YOU.

I'VE GOT ONE SOMEWHERE
TAKEN WITH JIMMY SEVILLE.

- WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH HIM?
- I WAS ON "JIM'LL FIX IT."

- DID HE?
- YES, BUT NOT PERMANENTLY.

WHAT'S THAT ONE WITH
ALL THOSE GIRLS ON?

OH, THAT. I'M NOT ON THERE.

THAT'S A PICTURE OF MY
MOTHER BEFORE I WAS BORN.

- SHE WAS ON THE STAGE.
- OOH, LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

- THAT'S HER NEAR THE END.
- Klein: SHH, MR. GRACE!

- GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY.
- GOOD AFTERNOON, MR. GRACE.

ENJOYING THE CANTEEN FARE?

All: YES, MR. GRACE.

- THERE'S YOUR PHOTO BACK.
- AM I MISSING SOMETHING?

IT'S A PICTURE OF MY MOTHER
WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG AND LOVELY.

OH, WAS SHE A CHORUS GIRL?

YES. THAT'S HER NEAR THE END.

GOOD GRIEF!

- IS THAT THE GOLDEN
GARTER GIRLS?
- YES IT IS.

- AT THE OLD PALACE THEATER?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

- IN 1938?
- I BELIEVE THAT
WAS THE DATE.

- WAS HER NAME ANNIE?
- YES IT WAS.

DID YOU EVER MEET YOUR FATHER?

WELL, I THOUGHT I DID.

I'VE ALWAYS REGRETTED

RUNNING AWAY AND
LEAVING HER IN THAT STATE.

SHE WAS A LIVELY LITTLE THING,

BUT I WAS BENT ON BECOMING

THE WORLD'S CHAMPION
RACING DRIVER.

I WAS YOUNG AND FOOLISH.

A BUNCH OF FLOWERS,
CHAMPAGNE FROM HER SLIPPER

AND IT WAS ALL HAPPENING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, YOU MEAN...?

YES, I'M AFRAID IT'S TRUE.

DADDY!

- ( knocks )
- ENTER.

YOU SENT FOR ME, MR. RUMBOLD?

( chuckling ) I HOPE THAT ISN'T THE
WAY THE MESSAGE WAS CONVEYED.

NO, I ASKED CAPTAIN PEACOCK

TO REQUEST YOU TO COME AND
SEE ME IN YOUR OWN GOOD TIME.

- SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.
- THANK YOU.

NO, NOT THERE. HAVE
MINE, IT'S GOT ARMS.

OH, SO IT HAS.

OH, AND IT'S WARM.

- OH, PLEASE.
- OH, THANK YOU.

OH, THANK YOU. I HAVE A
FRIEND THAT SMOKES THESE.

OH, PERHAPS YOU'D
LIKE TO GIVE HIM THE BOX.

ACTUALLY, IT'S A HER, BUT
I WILL GIVE HER THE BOX.

IT'LL BE HANDY
TO KEEP THINGS IN.

OH. NEEDLEWORK?

HER GUM SHIELD.
SHE WRESTLES IN MUD.

WRESTLES IN MUD?
WHAT, FOR A LIVING?

WELL, IT IS NOW,

BUT WHEN WE STARTED
IT WAS JUST FOR FUN.

WELL, YOU CERTAINLY SEE
LIFE FROM EVERY ANGLE.

WELL, SHE DOES.

OLD MR. GRACE IS
NATURALLY OVERJOYED

THAT HE HAS FOUND
HIMSELF AN HEIR.

SO AM I. IT'S ONLY
A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE YOU'RE IN THAT
BIG CHAIR UP THERE.

AND WHEN YOU ARE, I
HOPE YOU'LL REMEMBER

WHO IT WAS WHO MADE
YOU WELCOME DOWN HERE.

OH, I WILL.

AND IF YOU WANT TO
KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON,

I ALWAYS KEEP MY
EAR TO THE GROUND.

REALLY. YOU MUST
COVER A LOT OF TERRITORY.

- ( knocking )
- Both: ENTER.

YOUR TEA, SIR.

OH, I SEE HE'S GOT
YOUR JOB ALREADY, EH?

FIRST RUNG IN THE LADDER?

GOODBYE, RUMBOLD. I HOPE
THAT YOU'RE VERY HAPPY

IN YOUR NEW JOB.
THAT'S IF YOU GET ONE.

I AM NOT LEAVING. I
AM MERELY HAVING

A PRIVATE TALK WITH OLD
MR. GRACE JUNIOR HERE.

MR. GRACE-HUMPHRIES. I
SHALL KEEP MY MAIDEN NAME.

- OH, WELL, HERE IS
YOUR TEA, SIR.
- THANK YOU.

OH, EXCUSE ME, I EXPECT
YOU WOULD PREFER

THE EXTRA STRONG
EXECUTIVE-TYPE TEA.

MAY I TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO MENTION, SIR,

THAT THE WASHROOM IN
THE PACKING IS UP THE CREEK?

NONE OF THE TAPS WORK,
AND WE HAVE TO GET THE WATER

FOR MAKING THE TEA FROM
THE CISTERN IN THE LOO.

THANK YOU, MR. HARMON.
YOU MAY LEAVE US NOW.

HAVE I YOUR PERMISSION TO
LEAVE, MR. GRACE-HUMPHRIES?

OH, MR. RUMBOLD'S
STILL IN CHARGE.

THANK YOU, SIR. GET OUT.

SEE THE WAY HE TREATS
THE LOWER ORDERS?

IF YOU DO HAVE INDUSTRIAL
ACTION ON YOUR HANDS,

HE'LL BE THE BLAME.
HE'LL BE THE CAUSE.

A VERY DIFFICULT MAN.

OH! EXCUSE ME.

I'VE GOT A MESSAGE
FOR YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

I THINK I'VE GOT IT.

IT'S FROM OLD MR. GRACE.

HE SAYS, COULD YOU POP UP
AND SEE HIM WHEN YOU'RE FREE?

JUST TO HAVE A LOOK ROUND
THE OFFICE. ANYTIME BEFORE 3:00.

- WHAT HAPPENS AT 3:00?
- HE FALLS ASLEEP.

IT'S A LONG DAY
FOR HIM, ISN'T IT?

YES. I EXPECT WHEN
YOU GET UP THERE,

- HE'LL BE AT IT
UNTIL THE STORE CLOSES.
- I WOULDN'T BANK ON IT, DEAR.

THERE WE ARE, MADAM.

WE'VE HAD IT REPAIRED FOR YOU.

AND THE FACTORY
SAY THEY'VE PUT IN

EXTRA-STRONG
ELASTIC AT THE BACK.

BUT, IF I WERE YOU,

I'D TAKE ONLY SHALLOW
BREATHS TO BEGIN WITH.

UNTIL YOU'VE GOT IT RUN IN.

FANCY, MR. HUMPHRIES
BEING OLD MR. GRACE'S SON.

YEAH, IT MUST BE
AWFUL TO FIND OUT

YOU'VE BEEN BORN ON THE
WRONG SIDE OF THE BLANKET.

- IT MEANS HE'S SOME SORT OF A...
- BASKET!

- MADAM.
- THANK YOU.

MISS BRAHMS,

MR. HUMPHRIES HAS
ALREADY TOLD US

THAT HIS MOTHER WAS
MARRIED WHEN HE ARRIVED.

YEAH? WELL I BET
SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE

IN THE MATERNITY WARD
WEARING A WEDDING DRESS.

HE'S A VERY CHARMING MAN.

ALL HE NEEDS IS A
GOOD WOMAN BEHIND HIM

MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOU'RE
NOT CONSIDERING...

HE AND I GET ON
VERY WELL TOGETHER.

SO YOU WATCH YOUR STEP, MY GIRL.

BECAUSE I, TOO, MIGHT BE SITTING

IN THAT BIG CHAIR UP THERE.

WELL IF YOU DO, IT WON'T
LEAVE MUCH ROOM FOR HIM.

MISS BRAHMS!

GET ALL THOSE SWEATERS
OUT OF THAT DRAWER,

SHAKE 'EM OUT, FOLD
'EM UP, AND PUT 'EM BACK.

( blowing kisses )

SORRY I'VE BEEN OFF
THE FLOOR SO LONG.

OH, TAKE ALL THE
TIME IN THE WORLD.

OH, IT'S NEARLY HALF PAST 2:00.

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO GO HOME.

OH, NO. I STILL WORK HERE.

BESIDES, I'VE GOT A CALL COMING
THROUGH FROM MY MOTHER.

OH, WHILE YOU WERE
AWAY, MR. HUMPHRIES,

I SOLD A THREE-PIECE
AND I PUT IT DOWN TO YOU

BECAUSE I KNOW THAT IF YOU HAD
BEEN HERE YOU'D HAVE GOT THERE FIRST.

OH, I COULDN'T POSSIBLY
TAKE YOUR COMMISSION.

OH, PLEASE, I INSIST. AFTER
ALL, YOU'RE AN OLD FRIEND.

I FEEL LIKE ROYALTY.

( phone rings )

MENSWEAR. YOUR MAJESTY.

HELLO? HELLO, MOTHER.

IT'S WILBERFORCE.

WILBERFORCE, DEAR.

YES, I'VE GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU.

NO... NOW...
EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT.

WILL YOU LISTEN? I'VE
GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU,

BUT I CAN'T TELL
YOU OVER THE PHONE.

SO YOU'LL HAVE TO
GET YOURSELF HERE.

YES. GET A TAXI.

NO, IT WON'T COST ME ANYTHING.

IT'S BEING PAID FOR BY A
VERY KIND OLD GENTLEMAN

WHO YOU'VE MET BEFORE.

NO, IT'S NOT THAT VICAR. I
HAVEN'T SEEN HIM FOR YEARS.

NO, LOVE, IT WON'T BE
IN THE EVENING PAPERS.

JUST GET HERE. BYE.

DO I UNDERSTAND THAT WE'RE TO HAVE THE
PLEASURE OF MEETING YOUR DEAR MOTHER?

- YES, SHE'S ON HER WAY.
- ( elevator dings )

AH, RIGHT.

I HAVE JUST COME
FROM THE BOARDROOM.

MR. GRACE SENDS HIS COMPLIMENTS.

IT APPEARS THAT A MEMBER
OF THE STAFF INFORMED HIM

THAT YOU HOPED TO
BUY THIS IN THE SALE.

HAD HE KNOWN THE FACT AT THE
TIME, HE WOULD HAVE INSISTED THAT

MR. GRACE-HUMPHRIES HAD
IT. THEREFORE HE IS GIVING

HIS SECRETARY NEXT
WEDNESDAY OFF, IN LIEU.

AND THERE IS THE COAT
WITH HIS COMPLIMENTS.

- WHO TOLD HIM?
- SOMEONE I HOPE

YOU WILL REWARD HANDSOMELY
IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

YOU LUCKY DEVIL.

HOW NICE FOR YOUR DEAR MOTHER.

I HOPE IT'S HER COLOR.

I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THE
COLOR, I'M JUST WONDERING

IF IT'S GOING TO BE WARM
ENOUGH FOR HER IN THE AMBULANCE

WHEN SHE FINDS OUT THAT THAT YOUNG
MAN BENT ON BEING A RACING DRIVER

IS NOW JUST OLD AND BENT.

- COME IN, WILBERFORCE.
- THANK YOU, DADDY.

- HOW DO I LOOK?
- NOT A DAY OVER 82.

IT'S OVER 40 YEARS SINCE
I LAST SAW YOUR MOTHER.

I SUPPOSE SHE'S CHANGED A BIT.

SHE STILL LOOKS THE SAME TO ME.

SHE WAS A FIRECRACKER.

YES. AND TO THINK IT WAS
YOU THAT LIT THE FUSE.

( buzzes )

IT'S THE DOORMAN, SIR.

TAXI'S HERE.

HE'S JUST DROPPED MRS. HUMPHRIES
OFF AT THE FRONT ENTRANCE.

OH, MY LEG'S GONE.

SEND HER UP, SEND
HER UP STRAIGHTAWAY.

- OH, SHE'S IN THE LIFT.
- SHE'S NOT.

OH, OH NOW MY LEG'S GONE, TOO.

ARE YOU BEING SERVED, MADAM?

OH, IS THIS WHERE HE WORKS?

- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- MY SON, WILBERFORCE.

- YOU'RE MRS. HUMPHRIES.
- YOU MUST BE CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

IN CHARGE OF THE FLOOR.

OH, HE WAS RIGHT. YOU DO HAVE
A VERY DOMINANT PERSONALITY.

I DON'T THINK HE'S RIGHT
ABOUT THE BEADY EYES, THOUGH.

WHAT A GRAND SENSE
OF HUMOR HE HAS.

GATHER ROUND, EVERYBODY.

THIS IS MRS. HUMPHRIES.

MRS. SLOCOMBE.

IF YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYING SO,

YOU LOOK FAR TOO
YOUNG TO BE HIS MOTHER.

- OH, REALLY?
- YES, REALLY.

- OH, I'M NEARLY 60.
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

- OH, IT'S TRUE.
- WELL, I'M NEARLY 40.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

- THIS IS MISS BRAHMS.
- MAY I SAY

WHAT A PLEASURE IT IS HAVING
YOUR SON ON THE FLOOR.

OH...

ONE DOESN'T OFTEN HEAR THAT.

I'M MR. SPOONER, AND YOUR SON'S
BEEN OVER ME FOR SIX MONTHS

- AND I'M VERY SATISFIED.
- I'M MR. KLEIN.

YOUR SON'S BEEN UNDER ME ALL
MORNING AND I'M VERY SATISFIED.

SO MANY PEOPLE TO PLEASE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE MANAGES IT.

THIS IS HIS PLACE OVER
HERE, MRS. HUMPHRIES.

THERE WE ARE, OVER THERE.

OH, IF I CAN SAY SO,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

I DON'T KNOW HOW
HE HAS THE TIME.

- THIS WAY A LITTLE BIT.
- OH, YES.

THAT IS WHERE HE STANDS.

AND THIS IS HIS VERY
OWN TAPE MEASURE.

OH, I SAY.

IT'S A BIT FRAYED
AT THE END, ISN'T IT?

IT'S JUST ABOUT DUE FOR
A 3,000 INSIDE-LEG SERVICE.

I BELIEVE YOU ARE EXPECTED
UP IN THE BOARDROOM.

YES, I JUST WANTED TO GET THE
ATMOSPHERE OF HIS ENVIRONMENT.

THIS IS THE ACTUAL
PIECE OF CHALK HE USED

TO SHORTEN THE SLEEVES
ON A 38-LONG FITTING.

IT'S NOT. IT'S NOT.

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH.

IF YOU CAN STAND THE STRAIN,
THERE'S A HALF-EATEN PASTRY

HE WAS SAVING FOR
HIS COFFEE BREAK.

YOU CAN STILL SEE
THE TEETH MARKS.

YES, THAT NAUGHTY BOY. HE
STILL HASN'T BEEN TO THE DENTIST.

OH, WELL, THIS IS THE
HANKY HE PUTS IN HIS CUFF.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY 4711.

THERE'S AN EMPTY
LIFT, MRS. HUMPHRIES.

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO GO UP NOW.

THEY'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

OH, I SAY. WHAT IS IT?

OH, IT'S A SECRET. IT
HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO

AND IT IS TO DO WITH YOUR SON.

THAT PROBATION OFFICER WITH THE
PINK PORK PIE HAT'S NOT UP THERE?

IT'S NOTHING LIKE
THAT, MRS. HUMPHRIES.

IT'S BEEN VERY NICE
TO HAVE MET YOU ALL.

THE PLEASURE IS ALL OURS.

ALLOW ME TO ESCORT
YOU TO THE LIFT.

OH, SUCH MANNERS. THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, WHEN ONE
GETS TO KNOW YOU,

YOU'RE NOT A
TOFFEE-NOSED GIT AT ALL.

HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY MOTHER?

- YOU'VE JUST MISSED HER.
- SHE'S JUST GONE UP.

WELL, I'LL WAIT FOR A FEW
MINUTES BEFORE I GO UP.

IT'S GOING TO BE A
VERY TOUCHING REUNION.

AND 40 YEARS IS A LONG TIME.

APART FROM WHICH,
NO ONE HAS TOLD HER

THAT HER SECRET IS KNOWN.

I WONDER HOW SHE'LL TAKE IT.

SO DO I.

COME IN, MRS. HUMPHRIES.
YOUR SON'S JUST

GONE DOWNSTAIRS, BUT
HE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.

COME IN. COME IN.

YOU MUST BE MR. GRACE.

AND YOU MUST BE LITTLE ANNIE.

THANK YOU.

CAN YOU FORGIVE ME
FOR WHAT I DID TO YOU?

I'VE ONLY JUST ARRIVED.
WHAT DID YOU DO?

LEAVING YOU LIKE THAT
WHEN YOU NEEDED ME.

WHEN YOU BOTH NEEDED
ME. ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I'VE NEVER MET YOU
BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

DO YOU REMEMBER A YOUNGISH MAN

WHO CAME TO THE SHOW,

DRANK CHAMPAGNE
OUT OF YOUR SLIPPER

AND DINED YOU AT ROMANO'S.

NO, I REMEMBER AN OLDISH MAN

WHO BOUGHT ME A WELLINGTON
BOOTFULL OF MILK STOUT

AND TOOK ME OUT
FOR A FISH SUPPER.

THAT WAS ME IN THOSE DAYS.

JUST LIKE THAT WAS YOU.

THAT'S NOT ME. I NEVER
DANCED WITH FEATHERS.

THAT'S ME WITH THE
BALLOONS AND THE BIG HAT.

THAT ONE YOU'RE POINTING
TO, THAT'S ANNIE GRAINGER.

THE GIRL THAT COULDN'T SAY
NO. EVERY MAN'S LEAVINGS.

OOH! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE
RUBBISH THAT USED TO COME AND SEE HER.

YOU MEAN I'M NOT THE
FATHER OF YOUR CHILD?

WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY,

WERE YOU EVER A MILK ROUNDSMAN

THAT GOT KICKED IN
THE HEAD BY HIS HORSE

AND HAD TO LIE DOWN IN
SOMEBODY'S FRONT PARLOR?

NO.

DID YOU EVER DROP BY PARACHUTE

IN A BACKYARD IN RUNCORN
LATE ONE FRIDAY NIGHT?

NO.

WERE YOU EVER CAUGHT
IN THE TUNNEL OF LOVE

IN WESTON-SUPER-MARE
DURING A POWER FAILURE?

NO.

IN THAT CASE, I CAN SAFELY SAY

THAT MY SON IS NO RELATION
TO YOU WHATSOEVER.

WHAT A RELIEF.

GET ME CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

( rings )

MENSWEAR. IT'S FOR
YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

IT'S HIS DADDY.

YES, SIR?

WHAT?

I SEE.

AN UNFORTUNATE MISTAKE, SIR.

HUH? OH, YOU'RE RELIEVED.

YES. SO AM I.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?
COME ON, TELL US.

IN A NUTSHELL, MR. HUMPHRIES,
MR. GRACE IS NOT YOUR FATHER.

MR. GRACE IS NOT MY FATHER?

WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME?

IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
MR. HUMPHRIES,

I SUGGEST YOU RETURN TO NORMAL.

OR IN YOUR CASE, AS
NEAR AS YOU CAN GET TO.

GOODBYE, SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS.

HELLO, THE PONG OF POVERTY.

YOU'LL GET OVER IT.

I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT ME. IT'S MY
MOTHER, SHE'LL BE SO DISAPPOINTED.

NEVER MIND. SHE'S GOT A NICE
FUR COAT TO TAKE HER MIND OFF IT.

I'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT
THAT. LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT IT.

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A FUR COAT
FOR GETTING OVER A DISAPPOINTMENT.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO WRAP IT UP
AND MAKE A NICE PARCEL FOR HER?

NO, I THINK I'LL HAVE IT MYSELF.

I'M MORE DISAPPOINTED
THAN SHE IS.

MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU CAN'T WEAR

A LADY'S ANKLE-LENGTH
FUR COAT IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'LL HAVE IT SHORTENED
AND WEAR IT IN THE EVENINGS.

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR, CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪