Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 8, Episode 1 - Is It Catching? - full transcript
There're some new changes happening at Grace Brothers. The first floor has a new junior, Mr.Spooner, who's looking to be just as cheeky as Mr.Lucas was. A Mr.Grossman is taking Mr.Goldberg's place as senior in the men's department. A new shoe display comes in and Mrs.Slocomb and Miss.Brahms fight back for their old center display. Young Mr.Grace is going on retirement, and his older brother, old Mr.Grace, is taking over as owner of the store. Aside from all these changes there is of course a problem on the floor, everyone has contracted the strange Marine's disease from Mr.Humphries and for safety, they are all quarantined at the store.
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
OY, 'ERE,
I'VE GOT HALF A DOZEN PAIRS OF
WELLIES HERE. WHERE DO YOU WANT 'EM?
LEAVE THEM UNTIL MR. GROSSMAN
ARRIVES. LET HIM DECIDE.
- GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- GOOD MORNING, LADIES.
OH, IT'S POURING WITH RAIN.
I'VE RUINED MY SHOES.
YOU WON'T HAVE FAR
TO GO TO BUY A NEW PAIR.
MR. GRACE HAS DECREED THAT A
SECTION OF THE SHOE DEPARTMENT
SHALL BE PHASED IN ON OUR FLOOR.
I HOPE MR. GRACE
REALIZES THAT WE'RE LOSING
OUR MOST IMPORTANT
POINT OF DISPLAY.
- THE SALES WILL DROP.
- YEAH, AND WE WAS GOING
TO HAVE AN EXHIBITION
OF HONEYMOON NIGHTIES THIS
WEEK, WEREN'T WE, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
FROM WHAT I CAN REMEMBER OF MY HONEYMOON,
THAT SHOULDN'T TAKE UP MUCH ROOM.
GOOD MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
GOOD MORNING, MISS BRAHMS.
- MORNING.
- LOOK AT THESE.
AREN'T THEY BEAUTIFUL?
IF YOU SAW THE PRICE THEY'RE
ASKING AT LALLY AND WILLETS
YOU WOULDN'T DARE
TO TRY THEM ON.
FEEL THE LEATHER.
A SNIP AT £45.
TO YOU £12.50.
HOW DO I DO IT, YOU ASK.
THEY'RE SECONDS.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I
HOPE MR. GROSSMAN
ISN'T GOING TO BE
SELLING LADIES SHOES.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, I'VE BEEN
SELLING LADIES SHOES ALL MY LIFE.
YOU WOULDN'T SELL A PAIR TO ME.
NO LADY WOULD ALLOW A
STRANGE MAN TO BE IN A POSITION
WHERE HE CAN HAVE A PEEK-A-BOO
WHEN SHE'S TRYING SOMETHING ON.
IF YOU'RE UPSET, PLEASE,
YOU SELL THE LADIES SHOES.
I'M NOT SURE THAT
I APPROVE OF THAT.
DOES MRS. SLOCOMBE
KNOW HOW TO SELL SHOES?
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, WHEN
ONE IS A SALESPERSON,
ONE CAN SELL ANYTHING.
WELL, IN THAT CASE,
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
YOU WON'T MIND
DEMONSTRATING ON MISS BRAHMS.
MR. HARMAN, THE
CHAIR. MISS BRAHMS.
- CARRY ON, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- RIGHT.
GOOD MORNING, MADAM.
ARE YOU BEING SERVED?
I'D LIKE A PAIR OF
SHOES, PLEASE.
OH, AND HAS MADAM SEEN
ANYTHING THAT CAUGHT HER EYE?
- WELL...
- THE LADY WOULD LIKE A PAIR OF SHOES
NOT TOO HIGH AND NOT TOO LOW,
IN A COLOR THAT WILL
GO WITH ANYTHING,
THAT WILL LOOK
SMART IN THE EVENING
AND THAT SHE CAN
ALSO WEAR IN DAYTIME.
I SEE.
AND WHAT SIZE?
ITALIAN 36. THE LADY DOES
NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS IN ENGLISH.
WOULD MADAM KINDLY
REMOVE HER SHOE,
OR WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR
GRANDFATHER TO DO IT FOR YOU?
( groans )
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
OH... I DIDN'T
REALIZE WE HAD ONE.
OH.
( gasps )
WHY DON'T YOU USE A SHOEHORN?
- WHERE IS IT?
- OVER HERE.
♪ HI HO, HEY HO
IT'S OFF TO WORK... ♪
THERE, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THE COLOR.
I'LL TAKE THEM.
THERE, PERFECTLY SIMPLE.
MADAM WOULD LIKE TO TAKE
THEM IN THE BOX, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
( groans )
WELL, OF COURSE,
IF YOU HAVE TO GO
THROUGH ALL THAT PALAVER
JUST TO SELL A
CHEAP PAIR OF SHOES,
- I'LL STICK TO ME UNDERWEAR.
- THE WAY YOU WAS WALKING,
I THOUGHT YOU HAD.
BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING,
I'VE GOT TO USE THIS
BECAUSE MY MOTHER'S GOT MY RAINCOAT
TO QUEUE UP FOR HER DISABILITY PENSION.
I BORROWED IT OFF A VERY NICE GIRL
PUNK ROCKER WHO LIVES NEXT DOOR.
IT WAS HER BRIDAL GOWN.
DON'T TELL ME SHE
GOT MARRIED IN THAT.
MARRIED? SHE LIVED IN IT
FOR A WEEK WITH THE GROOM
BEFORE THEY FOUND
SOMEWHERE TO SQUAT.
YOU KNOW MR. GROSSMAN.
OH YES. HOW DO YOU DO?
HE WILL ALSO BE ASSISTING
ON YOUR COUNTER.
PERHAPS YOU'LL BE GOOD
ENOUGH TO SHOW HIM THE ROPES.
OF COURSE. CAPTAIN
PEACOCK, MR. GROSSMAN,
WOULD YOU MIND
TAKING A CORNER EACH?
- IF YOU INSIST, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- THANK YOU. GOING DOWN.
WILL YOU BE GOING HOME IN THAT?
I SHOULD THINK NOT. NOT AFTER
MY EXPERIENCE ON THE TUBE.
I FELL ASLEEP AND SOMEBODY
REPORTED ME AS A DANGEROUS PARCEL.
I WOKE UP AT QUEENSWAY
TO FIND A SERGEANT MAJOR
IN THE ROYAL ENGINEERS
TRYING TO TAKE MY FUSE OUT.
- MAY I HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?
- LADIES, PLEASE.
NOW, I WANT YOU TO
WELCOME YOUR NEW ASSISTANT
TO THIS DEPARTMENT, MR. SPOONER.
I AM SURE YOU ARE ALL AWARE THAT
MR. SPOONER HAS ALREADY SERVED TIME
IN THE PAINT DEPARTMENT,
BEDDING AND SPORTS.
NOW, YOU'LL BE
UNDER MR. HUMPHRIES,
WHO'S UNDER MR. GROSSMAN,
WHO'S UNDER CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I SEE, LIKE THE BOTTOM
BUN ON A TRIPLE HAMBURGER.
PREFERABLY WITHOUT THE SAUCE.
CARRY ON, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
♪ ROLLING ROUND THE WORLD
LOOKING FOR THE SUNSHINE ♪
♪ NEVER SEEMS TO GO MY WAY. ♪
WHAT IS THAT, MR. HARMAN?
THIS IS A POINT-OF-SALE DISPLAY FOR THE
WINTER WONDER WEATHERWORTHY WELLIES.
- DID YOU KNOW
ABOUT THIS, MR. GROSSMAN?
- LET ME EXPLAIN.
HERE WE HAVE A BIT OF
SIMULATED BRITISH COUNTRYSIDE,
HI HEE, MUD.
HERE WE HAVE THE WELLIES WHICH
IS GUARANTEED UNCONDITIONALLY
FOR FIVE YEARS AGAINST
SEEPAGE AND LEAKAGE.
ON THE APPROACH OF A
CUSTOMER ALL YOU DO IS SWITCH ON
AND THIS IS GUARANTEED
TO ATTRACT ATTENTION THUS.
( squishing sound )
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I HOPE YOU
DON'T EXPECT ME TO STAND HERE
TRYING TO SELL
HONEYMOON NIGHTIES
WITH THAT NOISE GOING ON.
MR. SPOONER, PART OF OUR
TABLE HAS BECOME DETACHED.
IT'S PROBABLY THE CLEANERS. GIVE
ME A HAND TO MOVE IT UP, WILL YOU?
'ERE, WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?
I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS
OBVIOUS TO THE MEANEST INTELLIGENCE
THAT I AM MOVING THIS TABLE
TO THE SIDE OF THAT TABLE,
A POSITION, WHICH
TO MY KNOWLEDGE,
IT HAS OCCUPIED FOR
THE PAST 15 YEARS.
- PUT IT BACK.
- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- HAVE YOU GOT CLOTH EARS?
- MADAM, I DO NOT LIKE THE TONE
OF YOUR VOICE.
I DON'T LIKE THE COLOR OF YOUR MOUSTACHE,
BUT I'M LEARNING TO LIVE WITH IT.
- PUT IT BACK.
- I SHALL DO NO SUCH THING.
ALL RIGHT, I WILL.
MR. SPOONER? PUT IT BACK.
- IS THAT AN ORDER,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
- IT IS.
PLEASE NOTE, I AM
OBEYING ORDERS.
FOR THIS REASON I HOPE YOU WILL NOT
BE PUTTING YOUR FINGERS IN MY PLUM DUFF.
I AM ONLY GOING TO
DO THIS ONE MORE TIME.
I'M VERY GLAD TO HEAR IT.
NANCY! NANCY, COME
AND GIVE ME A HAND.
I'M HAVING A BIT OF TROUBLE WITH THAT
UPPITY ONE WITH THE MOTH-EATEN TASH.
NOW WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO, MONTGOMERY?
- ARE YOU ALL BEHIND ME?
- All: YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
RIGHT, ON THE COUNT OF TWO.
ONE, TWO.
AH.
GLAD I'VE FOUND
YOU ALL TOGETHER.
THE G.L.C. FIRE DEPARTMENT
CAME ROUND YESTERDAY
AND THEY'VE INSTRUCTED US THAT
THERE HAD TO BE A UNIFORM FIRE PASSAGE
BETWEEN ALL THE TABLES SO AS TO
GAIN FREE ACCESS TO THE FIRE EXIT.
THEREFORE, YOUR
TABLE HAS TO BE DIVIDED.
PEACOCK, COULD YOU MOVE YOUR
TABLE A COUPLE OF FEET IN THIS DIRECTION?
- YES, SIR.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
IF YOU'D JUST TOLD US
THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE
LIKE ANY OTHER SENSIBLE CHIMPANZEE,
WE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD ALL THIS BOTHER.
YOU REALLY PUT MY BACK UP.
OH YEAH? WHO PUT YOUR FRONT UP?
THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU. I'M UNDER
A GREAT STRAIN COOKING FOR YOU LOT.
YOU'D BE UNDER A LOT MORE
STRAIN IF YOU HAD TO EAT IT.
GOOD FOR YOU, MISS BRAHMS.
- THERE YOU ARE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
JUST A MINUTE.
WHERE AM I GOING TO SIT?
YOU'D BETTER SIT OVER THERE.
I DON'T WANT TO SIT
ALONE AT THAT TABLE
LIKE ONE WHAT'S
BEEN "OSTRICH-SIZED."
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
PLEASE TAKE MY SEAT.
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
NOWADAYS ONE SO RARELY FINDS
THAT OLD CONTINENTAL CHARM.
EXCEPT FROM OLD CONTINENTALS.
MR. GROSSMAN, WE CAN'T
HAVE A SENIOR MEMBER
OF STAFF SITTING OVER
THERE ALL BY HIMSELF.
COME AND SIT OVER HERE
WITH US. I'LL GET YOU A CHAIR.
MR. SPOONER, AS YOU SIT
CONTEMPLATING YOUR FISH AND CHIPS,
IT MUST BE OBVIOUS WHAT
YOUR NEXT MOVE IS TO BE.
IT CERTAINLY IS,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
MR. SPOONER, THAT IS
NOT YOUR NEXT MOVE.
THAT IS YOUR NEXT MOVE.
'ERE, HAVE I BEEN BLACKBALLED?
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN THROWN OUT OF
THE PAINT DEPARTMENT FOR SOME REASON.
WHY HAS MR. SPOONER
BEEN BLACKBALLED?
BECAUSE THE FIREMAN
WANTED A CLEAR PASSAGE.
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
MR. HUMPHRIES, IF YOU SIT
ON THE FLOOR THERE ALL ALONE,
PEOPLE WILL START TALKING.
WHY DON'T YOU SIT OVER THERE?
BECAUSE AS LONG AS I AM SITTING HERE
I KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.
OH, COME OVER
HERE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
WE CAN HOTCH UP.
WE CAN ALWAYS FIND
ROOM FOR A LITTLE ONE,
MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOU DO
HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS.
OH!
OW, THERE'S SOMETHING
STICKING IN ME.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
OH, IT'S A DEMAND FROM THE
TAX MAN BUT HE'S NOT GETTING IT.
HOW MUCH MONEY DOES HE WANT?
HE DOESN'T WANT ANY MONEY. IT'S
JUST A DEMAND AND HE'S NOT GETTING IT.
- HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY PAPER?
- YOU'RE SITTING ON IT,
MR. GROSSMAN.
AM I? OH YES. AS LONG
AS I KNOW WHERE IT IS.
IF YOU WAS IN CHINA YOU
COULD READ IT LIKE THAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THERE WAS THIS
ARTICLE IN THIS MAGAZINE
WHERE THEY IS TRAINING
PEOPLE IN CHINA AND RUSSIA
TO READ BOOKS BY PUTTING
THEM UNDER THEIR ARMS
AND THERE WAS A PICTURE
OF SOMEONE READING
BY PUTTING THEIR
ELBOWS ON THE WORDS.
YES, I READ THAT ARTICLE. IT
SEEMS THAT WITH TRAINING,
PEOPLE COULD READ WITH
ANY PART OF THEIR BODY.
MRS. SLOCOMBE
WOULD BE GOOD AT THAT.
SHE COULD OPEN "THE TIMES," SIT
ON IT AND READ TWO PAGES AT ONCE.
ANY MORE OF YOUR LIP AND I'LL
HAVE YOU BANNED FROM THE CANTEEN.
'ERE, HAS ANYONE GOT A HAMMER?
I CAN'T GET THIS FORK IN ME LIVER.
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD TAKE
TOO MUCH TIME OVER LUNCH.
YOUNG MR. GRACE WANTS TO INTRODUCE
US TO HIS BROTHER, OLD MR. GRACE.
IS IT TRUE THAT YOUNG
MR. GRACE IS RETIRING?
NO, NO, NO, HE'S NOT RETIRING.
I BELIEVE HE'S BEEN WRITING
A BOOK ON ORNITHOLOGY.
HE'S COMPLETED HIS RESEARCH
INTO MATING AND MIGRATION
AND NOW HE WANTS TO
SPEND MORE TIME ON THE NEST.
- HAS ANYBODY SEEN HIS BROTHER?
- NOT IN THE FLESH.
BUT A ROLLS-ROYCE AMBULANCE WITH
BLACK WINDOWS DREW UP JUST BEFORE LUNCH.
AND DID MR. GRACE
GET OUT OF THE BACK?
NO, HE WAS DRIVING IT. SIX
DANCING GIRLS GOT OUT OF THE BACK.
I CAN HARDLY FEEL
ANYTHING THERE.
I CAN HARDLY FEEL
ANYTHING ANYWHERE.
EXCUSE ME NOT
KNOCKING, MR. GRACE,
BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME WHEN I DO,
SO I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS WORTH THE
TIME AND EFFORT IF I DID. SO I DIDN'T.
WHAT WAS THAT?
NOTHING, SIR.
THERE'S AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
OUTSIDE WHAT SAYS HE WANTS TO SEE YOU.
( woman screams )
YES, THAT'LL BE MY
BROTHER. COME IN.
HELLO, HENRY.
I'M NOT HENRY, YOU'RE HENRY.
OH YES.
IS THAT WHERE I'M
GOING TO SIT, I SUPPOSE?
- YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
- WHERE DOES MY SECRETARY SIT?
ON YOUR KNEE, YOU FOOL.
THIS IS YOUR SECRETARY, SIR.
ONE OWNER SINCE NEW,
COMPLETELY RUN IN, VERY SPORTY,
CAPABLE OF HIGH SPEEDS IF YOU PUT
YOUR FOOT DOWN. AND SHE'S ALL YOURS.
AND THIS YOUNG LADY IS YOUR
NURSE. THERE'S HER BELL ON THE DESK.
AND WHEN YOU GIVE HER A
SIGNAL SHE COMES RUNNING.
AND THE DAY SHE GIVES A
SIGNAL WE ALL COME RUNNING.
- ( knocking )
- OH, IT'S THE DOOR.
EXCUSE ME, SIR, THE STAFF
FROM THE CLOTHING DEPARTMENT.
- SEND THEM IN.
- PLEASE, COME IN.
Young Mr. Grace: YOU DO
THE HONORS, RUMBOLD.
- THIS IS CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR.
I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT
YOU FROM MY BROTHER.
- THIS IS MR. GROSSMAN.
- GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR.
I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT
YOU FROM MY BROTHER.
THANK YOU.
- THIS IS MR. HUMPHRIES.
- HELLO.
I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT
YOU FROM MY BROTHER,
BUT I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
A WORD OF IT.
THIS IS MRS. SLOCOMBE. SHE'S
MADE A BIG MARK IN THE LADIES.
DON'T DO IT AGAIN.
THIS IS MISS BRAHMS, A
SUNNY, FRIENDLY PERSONALITY
WHO SHOWS A GREAT
DEAL OF PROMISE.
YES, BUT IT'D NEVER
BEEN FULFILLED.
THIS IS SPOONER.
WHO HAS A SARCASTIC PERSONALITY
AND SHOWS NO PROMISE WHATEVER.
THAT'S ABOUT IT, SIR.
MR. GRACE. MR. GRACE?
- YOU'VE DROPPED OFF, SIR.
- EH?
- DROPPED OFF.
- OFF? WHAT DROPPED?
YOUR BROTHER HAS NOW
MET ALL THE STAFF, SIR.
IN THAT CASE I CAN GO.
MAKE WAY FOR MR. GRACE. HOLD
THE DOOR, DON'T GET IN HIS WAY.
GIVE HIM PLENTY OF
AIR. COME ALONG NOW.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
DON'T MAKE SO MUCH FUSS.
I'M NOT THE EMPEROR OF CHINA.
YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.
COME ALONG, MR. GRACE.
All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.
THERE'S THE PAJAMAS, MADAM.
AND IF YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T
GET COMPLETE SATISFACTION
DON'T HESITATE TO
BRING THEM BACK.
NOW, WHERE WAS I?
YOU HAD A FUNNY SHAKY FEELING
SO YOU WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR.
OH YES, WELL, AFTER A
RIGOROUS EXAMINATION,
HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, "I CAN'T
FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOU,"
WHICH SURPRISED ME SO I
ASKED FOR A SECOND OPINION.
- DID YOU GET ONE?
- FROM THE WINDOW CLEANER,
BUT WE CLOSED THE
CURTAINS AND IGNORED HIM.
SO, ANYWAY, HE
SENT ME TO SEE THIS
PSYCHIATRIST, YOU SEE,
IN THE SAME BUILDING.
AS SOON AS I WENT THROUGH THE
DOOR HE SAID, "LIE ON THE COUCH
AND TELL ME THE FIRST THING
THAT COMES INTO YOUR MIND."
I SAID, "DO YOU MIND
CLOSING THOSE CURTAINS?
I'M SICK OF THE SIGHT OF
THAT WINDOW CLEANER."
DID HE FIND OUT WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM WAS?
NOT EXACTLY, BUT
WE'VE TRACKED DOWN HIS.
WE'RE HAVING DINER
TONIGHT TO DISCUSS IT.
OH!
JUST FEEL MY HAND,
IT'S GONE ALL CLAMMY.
NO, I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.
I THINK I SHALL
HAVE TO SIT DOWN.
MR. SPOONER, DO YOU MIND
HELPING ME TO THAT CHAIR?
OH, I SAY.
GET ME A PAIR OF Y-FRONTS.
- WHAT SIZE?
- ANY SIZE.
THANK YOU.
MR. SPOONER, WHY IS
MR. HUMPHRIES SITTING DOWN
AND FANNING HIMSELF
WITH A COUPLE OF Y-FRONTS?
HE'S COME OVER PECULIAR.
I HEARD ABOUT THIS,
BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS
WAS THE FORM IT TOOK.
HE HAS FAINTED. GET A DOCTOR.
- OH, MISS BRAHMS,
GET ON THE PHONE.
- YES.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING
NOW, MR. HUMPHRIES?
I FEEL PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT BUT I'VE
GOT A FUNNY LUMP COMING UP ON MY NOSE.
MR. HUMPHRIES HAS TO STAY HERE
UNTIL THE DOCTOR'S
COMPLETED THE BLOOD TESTS.
WILL IT TAKE LONG?
THEY TOOK A LOT OF BLOOD.
I HAVE TO GO HOME NOW,
BUT I'VE GIVEN
MR. HARMAN INSTRUCTIONS
TO LET THE DOCTOR
IN WHEN HE ARRIVES.
IF YOU'RE FEELING GROGGY,
I SUGGEST YOU TAKE A TAXI.
- THANK YOU.
- AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE,
OF COURSE.
I CAN'T FIND HIS PULSE.
ALLOW ME.
YES, THAT SEEMS ALL RIGHT.
HIS WRIST'S A BIT LIMP BUT
HIS HEART'S STILL GOING.
OH, HIS FOREHEAD'S VERY WARM.
HIS NOSE IS COLD.
HIS HAIR IS A BIT LIFELESS.
IT'S A SIGN OF POOR HEALTH.
HE'S PROBABLY GOT DISTEMPER.
BETTER GET YOUR BOB MARTINS.
- ( knocks )
- COME IN.
I WON'T COME IN
ANY FARTHER, SIR.
THE DOCTOR'S HERE. HE'S GOT
THE RESULT OF THE BLOOD TEST.
IS HE LOOKING HOPEFUL?
IT'S HARD TO TELL.
DON'T BE ALARMED. JUST A
FEW ELEMENTARY PRECAUTIONS.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?
THE PATIENT HAS CONTRACTED
A RATHER RARE MALADY
KNOWN AS MARINES' DISEASE.
MARINES' DISEASE?
IS IT CATCHING?
IT'S NEVER BEEN KNOWN TO BE FATAL BUT IT
DOES HAVE SOME RATHER NASTY SIDE EFFECTS
IF YOU DON'T GET TO
GRIPS WITH IT QUICKLY.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT YOU.
AH, DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE
THAT BUMP ON YOUR NOSE?
- OF COURSE NOT.
- THAT'S ONE OF THE FIRST
SYMPTOMS OF THE FIRST STAGE.
- HAVE YOU BEEN
SNEEZING A LOT?
- NO.
THEN YOU'VE GOT THE SNEEZING
TO COME. THAT'S THE SECOND STAGE.
NOW, THE TROUBLE IS THAT
ANYBODY WHO'S BEEN IN CONTACT
WITH THE PATIENT WILL
HAVE TO BE ISOLATED.
BUT WE'VE ALL BEEN
IN CONTACT WITH HIM.
WE'LL HAVE TO SEAL OFF THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT
AND YOU'LL ALL HAVE TO BE ISOLATED
UNTIL THE MEDICAL OFFICER OF
HEALTH GIVES YOU THE ALL CLEAR.
BUT AT 7:00 TONIGHT MY PUSSY'S
EXPECTING TO SEE A FRIENDLY FACE.
- HOW LONG ARE WE
TO BE ISOLATED?
- ABOUT SEVEN DAYS.
JUST HOW DO YOU GET
THIS MARINES' DISEASE?
I KNEW SOMEBODY WOULD ASK
THAT QUESTION SOONER OR LATER.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MARINES, IN
FACT, IT COMES FROM SMALL SHELLFISH.
I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY HANDS
OFF THOSE WINKLES LAST NIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MR. HARMAN?
AS PER DOCTOR'S ORDERS. SEEING AS
HOW THEY COULDN'T GO TO HOSPITAL,
I'VE JUST DECONTAMINATED
THE LIFT SO THEY CAN BE
TAKEN TO THEIR QUARTERS
WHERE THEY CAN ALL BE ISOLATED.
THEY WERE QUITE RELIEVED WHEN THEY
HEARD THEY WEREN'T GOING TO HOSPITAL.
THEY WON'T BE SO RELIEVED WHEN
THEY HEAR WHERE THEY'RE GOING.
- WHERE'D THEY GOT TO?
- THEY'RE BURNING THEIR
CLOTHES IN THE INCINERATOR
AND PUTTING ON THEIR
ANTISEPTIC DISPOSABLE SLEEPWEAR.
COR BLIMEY, THE LAST
TIME I SAW A SIGHT LIKE THAT
THE KEEPER WAS FEEDING THEM WITH
A BUCKET OF FISH AT THE PENGUIN POOL.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
MR. GRACE DID CONSIDER
SENDING YOU TO THE BOARDROOM.
OH, THAT SOUNDS QUITE NICE.
BUT HE COULDN'T FIND THE
KEY TO THE DRINKS CABINET.
OH, HE NEEDN'T HAVE
BOTHERED TO OPEN THAT FOR US.
HE WANTED TO LOCK IT.
- Peacock:
SO WHERE ARE WE GOING?
- THE BEDDING STORE.
WELL, AT LEAST THERE'LL
BE PLENTY OF DECENT BEDS.
RIGHT, FOLLOW ME.
THESE MUST BE OUR
QUARTERS THROUGH HERE.
OH NO, THAT'S THE LOO.
WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO BE GOING, MR. HARMAN?
- HE'S CLOSING THE DOOR.
- HERE, HANG ON.
HARMAN, HARMAN, OPEN
THAT DOOR AT ONCE! HARMAN.
THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS. YOU'VE GOT
TO BE ISOLATED AND ISOLATED YOU IS.
- WE CAN'T STAY IN HERE.
- LIGHTS OUT 10:00.
I'LL BE ROUND IN THE
MORNING WITH A CUPPA.
- BUT WHERE ARE THE BEDS?
- THAT'S IT OVER THERE.
A KING-SIZED WATERBED.
RETURNED BY AN ARAB SHEIK
BECAUSE IT WAS TOO
BIG A STRAIN ON HIS OASIS.
- WHAT ABOUT OUR DINNER?
- OH YEAH. I'LL SHOVE IT
THOUGH THIS LITTLE HOLE.
IT'LL BE NARROW BUT NOURISHING.
- COME BACK, MR. HARMAN.
- OPEN THIS DOOR.
WELL, WHAT I SAY IS IF WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO STAY HERE,
WE MIGHT AS WELL
MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
CHEERS.
IF WE REMAIN HERE FOR A WEEK,
I'M DETERMINED I'M
NOT GOING TO GET IT.
WE'LL DRINK TO THAT, MR. GRACE.
( knocking )
AHEM, EXCUSE ME, MR. GRACE.
HOW ARE THEY GETTING
ON DOWN IN THE BASEMENT?
THEY WAS HAMMERING ON
THE DOOR FOR ABOUT AN HOUR
THEN I GAVE THEM ALL
CHICKEN CURRY AND PRUNES.
I SEE.
IS IT ALL QUIET DOWN THERE NOW?
AS QUIET AS CAN BE EXPECTED
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
WELL, LET US FACE
IT. IT'S A CALLOUS ACT
AND A GROSS VIOLATION
OF OUR FREEDOM,
BUT WE ARE HERE FOR THE NIGHT.
BUT WHERE ARE WE GOING TO SLEEP?
WELL, SPEAKING FOR MYSELF,
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THIS,
MISS BRAHMS AND ME ARE
NOT SPENDING THE NIGHT
AND SHARING A BED WITH FOUR MEN.
YEAH, ESPECIALLY
WHEN ONE OF THEM'S HIM.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, I THINK I
SPEAK FOR ALL OF US WHEN I SAY
THAT THE SIGHT OF YOU IN THAT
DOESN'T EXACTLY SEND THE BLOOD
SURGING LIKE FIRE
THROUGH MY VEINS.
YOU COULD, OF COURSE, TAKE
THE FLOOR, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
IF WE HAVE TO SHARE,
THEN I BAGS THE OUTSIDE AND
YOU BE NEXT TO ME, MR. HUMPHRIES.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.
YOU'RE AGITATING IT.
I AM DOING NOTHING OF THE KIND.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK!
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I DON'T OFTEN ASK
THIS BUT WOULD YOU MIND HOLDING MY HAND?
OH, THAT'S BETTER.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
STAY VERY STILL IN THE NIGHT.
I USUALLY DO.
COME ON, MISS BRAHMS,
YOU GET IN NEXT TO ME.
COME ON, EVERYBODY. ALL THE
REST OF YOU, GET IN. THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU ON THE END, MR. SPOONER.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.
SCOOT IN SO I CAN GET
MY LEGS THROUGH THERE.
COME ALONG,
MR. GROSSMAN, GET ON.
SPOONER, OVER HERE. DOWN THERE.
HOLD ON... HOLD ON TO THE BACK.
HOLD ON TO THE BACK. HANG ON.
NOW THEN. NOW THEN.
EVERYBODY... EVERYBODY EASE DOWN
VERY SLOWLY INTO THE BED.
THERE. SLOWLY.
CAREFUL, CAREFUL.
THERE WE ARE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
WHERE'S YOUR FOOT?
I'VE RATHER LOST TRACK
OF THEM, MR. HUMPHRIES.
TRY WIGGLING YOUR RIGHT BIG TOE.
NO. YOUR LEFT ONE.
( giggling )
YOU'LL HAVE TO MOVE
IT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
- NOT VERY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- ARE YOU A BAD SAILOR?
WELL, PUT IT LIKE THIS,
EVEN WHEN I'M WATCHING...
"TRIANGLE" I HAVE TO
TAKE SEASICK PILLS.
WELL, DON'T WE ALL?
HANG ON, I THINK
IT'S GOING DOWN.
NOW THEN... NOW THEN, EVERYBODY.
EVERYBODY LIE QUITE STILL
AND BREATHE VERY SLOWLY.
IN, OUT.
IN, OUT.
OXFORD ARE LEADING
BY TWO LENGTHS.
BE QUIET, MR. SPOONER. IN...
I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP
WITH THE LIGHT ON.
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO
BECAUSE MY CURRY WON'T
STAND ONE MORE WAVE.
WE'VE GOT ANOTHER PROBLEM. I
CAN FEEL PHASE TWO COMING ON.
- NOT THE SNEEZES.
- I'M AFRAID SO.
I'VE GOT AN ITCHY NOSE AND ALL.
- FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.
- ( sneezes )
( all sneezing )
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP. ♪
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
OY, 'ERE,
I'VE GOT HALF A DOZEN PAIRS OF
WELLIES HERE. WHERE DO YOU WANT 'EM?
LEAVE THEM UNTIL MR. GROSSMAN
ARRIVES. LET HIM DECIDE.
- GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- GOOD MORNING, LADIES.
OH, IT'S POURING WITH RAIN.
I'VE RUINED MY SHOES.
YOU WON'T HAVE FAR
TO GO TO BUY A NEW PAIR.
MR. GRACE HAS DECREED THAT A
SECTION OF THE SHOE DEPARTMENT
SHALL BE PHASED IN ON OUR FLOOR.
I HOPE MR. GRACE
REALIZES THAT WE'RE LOSING
OUR MOST IMPORTANT
POINT OF DISPLAY.
- THE SALES WILL DROP.
- YEAH, AND WE WAS GOING
TO HAVE AN EXHIBITION
OF HONEYMOON NIGHTIES THIS
WEEK, WEREN'T WE, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
FROM WHAT I CAN REMEMBER OF MY HONEYMOON,
THAT SHOULDN'T TAKE UP MUCH ROOM.
GOOD MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
GOOD MORNING, MISS BRAHMS.
- MORNING.
- LOOK AT THESE.
AREN'T THEY BEAUTIFUL?
IF YOU SAW THE PRICE THEY'RE
ASKING AT LALLY AND WILLETS
YOU WOULDN'T DARE
TO TRY THEM ON.
FEEL THE LEATHER.
A SNIP AT £45.
TO YOU £12.50.
HOW DO I DO IT, YOU ASK.
THEY'RE SECONDS.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I
HOPE MR. GROSSMAN
ISN'T GOING TO BE
SELLING LADIES SHOES.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, I'VE BEEN
SELLING LADIES SHOES ALL MY LIFE.
YOU WOULDN'T SELL A PAIR TO ME.
NO LADY WOULD ALLOW A
STRANGE MAN TO BE IN A POSITION
WHERE HE CAN HAVE A PEEK-A-BOO
WHEN SHE'S TRYING SOMETHING ON.
IF YOU'RE UPSET, PLEASE,
YOU SELL THE LADIES SHOES.
I'M NOT SURE THAT
I APPROVE OF THAT.
DOES MRS. SLOCOMBE
KNOW HOW TO SELL SHOES?
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, WHEN
ONE IS A SALESPERSON,
ONE CAN SELL ANYTHING.
WELL, IN THAT CASE,
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
YOU WON'T MIND
DEMONSTRATING ON MISS BRAHMS.
MR. HARMAN, THE
CHAIR. MISS BRAHMS.
- CARRY ON, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- RIGHT.
GOOD MORNING, MADAM.
ARE YOU BEING SERVED?
I'D LIKE A PAIR OF
SHOES, PLEASE.
OH, AND HAS MADAM SEEN
ANYTHING THAT CAUGHT HER EYE?
- WELL...
- THE LADY WOULD LIKE A PAIR OF SHOES
NOT TOO HIGH AND NOT TOO LOW,
IN A COLOR THAT WILL
GO WITH ANYTHING,
THAT WILL LOOK
SMART IN THE EVENING
AND THAT SHE CAN
ALSO WEAR IN DAYTIME.
I SEE.
AND WHAT SIZE?
ITALIAN 36. THE LADY DOES
NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS IN ENGLISH.
WOULD MADAM KINDLY
REMOVE HER SHOE,
OR WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR
GRANDFATHER TO DO IT FOR YOU?
( groans )
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
OH... I DIDN'T
REALIZE WE HAD ONE.
OH.
( gasps )
WHY DON'T YOU USE A SHOEHORN?
- WHERE IS IT?
- OVER HERE.
♪ HI HO, HEY HO
IT'S OFF TO WORK... ♪
THERE, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THE COLOR.
I'LL TAKE THEM.
THERE, PERFECTLY SIMPLE.
MADAM WOULD LIKE TO TAKE
THEM IN THE BOX, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
( groans )
WELL, OF COURSE,
IF YOU HAVE TO GO
THROUGH ALL THAT PALAVER
JUST TO SELL A
CHEAP PAIR OF SHOES,
- I'LL STICK TO ME UNDERWEAR.
- THE WAY YOU WAS WALKING,
I THOUGHT YOU HAD.
BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING,
I'VE GOT TO USE THIS
BECAUSE MY MOTHER'S GOT MY RAINCOAT
TO QUEUE UP FOR HER DISABILITY PENSION.
I BORROWED IT OFF A VERY NICE GIRL
PUNK ROCKER WHO LIVES NEXT DOOR.
IT WAS HER BRIDAL GOWN.
DON'T TELL ME SHE
GOT MARRIED IN THAT.
MARRIED? SHE LIVED IN IT
FOR A WEEK WITH THE GROOM
BEFORE THEY FOUND
SOMEWHERE TO SQUAT.
YOU KNOW MR. GROSSMAN.
OH YES. HOW DO YOU DO?
HE WILL ALSO BE ASSISTING
ON YOUR COUNTER.
PERHAPS YOU'LL BE GOOD
ENOUGH TO SHOW HIM THE ROPES.
OF COURSE. CAPTAIN
PEACOCK, MR. GROSSMAN,
WOULD YOU MIND
TAKING A CORNER EACH?
- IF YOU INSIST, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- THANK YOU. GOING DOWN.
WILL YOU BE GOING HOME IN THAT?
I SHOULD THINK NOT. NOT AFTER
MY EXPERIENCE ON THE TUBE.
I FELL ASLEEP AND SOMEBODY
REPORTED ME AS A DANGEROUS PARCEL.
I WOKE UP AT QUEENSWAY
TO FIND A SERGEANT MAJOR
IN THE ROYAL ENGINEERS
TRYING TO TAKE MY FUSE OUT.
- MAY I HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?
- LADIES, PLEASE.
NOW, I WANT YOU TO
WELCOME YOUR NEW ASSISTANT
TO THIS DEPARTMENT, MR. SPOONER.
I AM SURE YOU ARE ALL AWARE THAT
MR. SPOONER HAS ALREADY SERVED TIME
IN THE PAINT DEPARTMENT,
BEDDING AND SPORTS.
NOW, YOU'LL BE
UNDER MR. HUMPHRIES,
WHO'S UNDER MR. GROSSMAN,
WHO'S UNDER CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I SEE, LIKE THE BOTTOM
BUN ON A TRIPLE HAMBURGER.
PREFERABLY WITHOUT THE SAUCE.
CARRY ON, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
♪ ROLLING ROUND THE WORLD
LOOKING FOR THE SUNSHINE ♪
♪ NEVER SEEMS TO GO MY WAY. ♪
WHAT IS THAT, MR. HARMAN?
THIS IS A POINT-OF-SALE DISPLAY FOR THE
WINTER WONDER WEATHERWORTHY WELLIES.
- DID YOU KNOW
ABOUT THIS, MR. GROSSMAN?
- LET ME EXPLAIN.
HERE WE HAVE A BIT OF
SIMULATED BRITISH COUNTRYSIDE,
HI HEE, MUD.
HERE WE HAVE THE WELLIES WHICH
IS GUARANTEED UNCONDITIONALLY
FOR FIVE YEARS AGAINST
SEEPAGE AND LEAKAGE.
ON THE APPROACH OF A
CUSTOMER ALL YOU DO IS SWITCH ON
AND THIS IS GUARANTEED
TO ATTRACT ATTENTION THUS.
( squishing sound )
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I HOPE YOU
DON'T EXPECT ME TO STAND HERE
TRYING TO SELL
HONEYMOON NIGHTIES
WITH THAT NOISE GOING ON.
MR. SPOONER, PART OF OUR
TABLE HAS BECOME DETACHED.
IT'S PROBABLY THE CLEANERS. GIVE
ME A HAND TO MOVE IT UP, WILL YOU?
'ERE, WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?
I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS
OBVIOUS TO THE MEANEST INTELLIGENCE
THAT I AM MOVING THIS TABLE
TO THE SIDE OF THAT TABLE,
A POSITION, WHICH
TO MY KNOWLEDGE,
IT HAS OCCUPIED FOR
THE PAST 15 YEARS.
- PUT IT BACK.
- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- HAVE YOU GOT CLOTH EARS?
- MADAM, I DO NOT LIKE THE TONE
OF YOUR VOICE.
I DON'T LIKE THE COLOR OF YOUR MOUSTACHE,
BUT I'M LEARNING TO LIVE WITH IT.
- PUT IT BACK.
- I SHALL DO NO SUCH THING.
ALL RIGHT, I WILL.
MR. SPOONER? PUT IT BACK.
- IS THAT AN ORDER,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
- IT IS.
PLEASE NOTE, I AM
OBEYING ORDERS.
FOR THIS REASON I HOPE YOU WILL NOT
BE PUTTING YOUR FINGERS IN MY PLUM DUFF.
I AM ONLY GOING TO
DO THIS ONE MORE TIME.
I'M VERY GLAD TO HEAR IT.
NANCY! NANCY, COME
AND GIVE ME A HAND.
I'M HAVING A BIT OF TROUBLE WITH THAT
UPPITY ONE WITH THE MOTH-EATEN TASH.
NOW WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO, MONTGOMERY?
- ARE YOU ALL BEHIND ME?
- All: YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
RIGHT, ON THE COUNT OF TWO.
ONE, TWO.
AH.
GLAD I'VE FOUND
YOU ALL TOGETHER.
THE G.L.C. FIRE DEPARTMENT
CAME ROUND YESTERDAY
AND THEY'VE INSTRUCTED US THAT
THERE HAD TO BE A UNIFORM FIRE PASSAGE
BETWEEN ALL THE TABLES SO AS TO
GAIN FREE ACCESS TO THE FIRE EXIT.
THEREFORE, YOUR
TABLE HAS TO BE DIVIDED.
PEACOCK, COULD YOU MOVE YOUR
TABLE A COUPLE OF FEET IN THIS DIRECTION?
- YES, SIR.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
IF YOU'D JUST TOLD US
THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE
LIKE ANY OTHER SENSIBLE CHIMPANZEE,
WE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD ALL THIS BOTHER.
YOU REALLY PUT MY BACK UP.
OH YEAH? WHO PUT YOUR FRONT UP?
THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU. I'M UNDER
A GREAT STRAIN COOKING FOR YOU LOT.
YOU'D BE UNDER A LOT MORE
STRAIN IF YOU HAD TO EAT IT.
GOOD FOR YOU, MISS BRAHMS.
- THERE YOU ARE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
JUST A MINUTE.
WHERE AM I GOING TO SIT?
YOU'D BETTER SIT OVER THERE.
I DON'T WANT TO SIT
ALONE AT THAT TABLE
LIKE ONE WHAT'S
BEEN "OSTRICH-SIZED."
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
PLEASE TAKE MY SEAT.
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
NOWADAYS ONE SO RARELY FINDS
THAT OLD CONTINENTAL CHARM.
EXCEPT FROM OLD CONTINENTALS.
MR. GROSSMAN, WE CAN'T
HAVE A SENIOR MEMBER
OF STAFF SITTING OVER
THERE ALL BY HIMSELF.
COME AND SIT OVER HERE
WITH US. I'LL GET YOU A CHAIR.
MR. SPOONER, AS YOU SIT
CONTEMPLATING YOUR FISH AND CHIPS,
IT MUST BE OBVIOUS WHAT
YOUR NEXT MOVE IS TO BE.
IT CERTAINLY IS,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
MR. SPOONER, THAT IS
NOT YOUR NEXT MOVE.
THAT IS YOUR NEXT MOVE.
'ERE, HAVE I BEEN BLACKBALLED?
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN THROWN OUT OF
THE PAINT DEPARTMENT FOR SOME REASON.
WHY HAS MR. SPOONER
BEEN BLACKBALLED?
BECAUSE THE FIREMAN
WANTED A CLEAR PASSAGE.
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
MR. HUMPHRIES, IF YOU SIT
ON THE FLOOR THERE ALL ALONE,
PEOPLE WILL START TALKING.
WHY DON'T YOU SIT OVER THERE?
BECAUSE AS LONG AS I AM SITTING HERE
I KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.
OH, COME OVER
HERE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
WE CAN HOTCH UP.
WE CAN ALWAYS FIND
ROOM FOR A LITTLE ONE,
MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOU DO
HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS.
OH!
OW, THERE'S SOMETHING
STICKING IN ME.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
OH, IT'S A DEMAND FROM THE
TAX MAN BUT HE'S NOT GETTING IT.
HOW MUCH MONEY DOES HE WANT?
HE DOESN'T WANT ANY MONEY. IT'S
JUST A DEMAND AND HE'S NOT GETTING IT.
- HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY PAPER?
- YOU'RE SITTING ON IT,
MR. GROSSMAN.
AM I? OH YES. AS LONG
AS I KNOW WHERE IT IS.
IF YOU WAS IN CHINA YOU
COULD READ IT LIKE THAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THERE WAS THIS
ARTICLE IN THIS MAGAZINE
WHERE THEY IS TRAINING
PEOPLE IN CHINA AND RUSSIA
TO READ BOOKS BY PUTTING
THEM UNDER THEIR ARMS
AND THERE WAS A PICTURE
OF SOMEONE READING
BY PUTTING THEIR
ELBOWS ON THE WORDS.
YES, I READ THAT ARTICLE. IT
SEEMS THAT WITH TRAINING,
PEOPLE COULD READ WITH
ANY PART OF THEIR BODY.
MRS. SLOCOMBE
WOULD BE GOOD AT THAT.
SHE COULD OPEN "THE TIMES," SIT
ON IT AND READ TWO PAGES AT ONCE.
ANY MORE OF YOUR LIP AND I'LL
HAVE YOU BANNED FROM THE CANTEEN.
'ERE, HAS ANYONE GOT A HAMMER?
I CAN'T GET THIS FORK IN ME LIVER.
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD TAKE
TOO MUCH TIME OVER LUNCH.
YOUNG MR. GRACE WANTS TO INTRODUCE
US TO HIS BROTHER, OLD MR. GRACE.
IS IT TRUE THAT YOUNG
MR. GRACE IS RETIRING?
NO, NO, NO, HE'S NOT RETIRING.
I BELIEVE HE'S BEEN WRITING
A BOOK ON ORNITHOLOGY.
HE'S COMPLETED HIS RESEARCH
INTO MATING AND MIGRATION
AND NOW HE WANTS TO
SPEND MORE TIME ON THE NEST.
- HAS ANYBODY SEEN HIS BROTHER?
- NOT IN THE FLESH.
BUT A ROLLS-ROYCE AMBULANCE WITH
BLACK WINDOWS DREW UP JUST BEFORE LUNCH.
AND DID MR. GRACE
GET OUT OF THE BACK?
NO, HE WAS DRIVING IT. SIX
DANCING GIRLS GOT OUT OF THE BACK.
I CAN HARDLY FEEL
ANYTHING THERE.
I CAN HARDLY FEEL
ANYTHING ANYWHERE.
EXCUSE ME NOT
KNOCKING, MR. GRACE,
BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME WHEN I DO,
SO I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS WORTH THE
TIME AND EFFORT IF I DID. SO I DIDN'T.
WHAT WAS THAT?
NOTHING, SIR.
THERE'S AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
OUTSIDE WHAT SAYS HE WANTS TO SEE YOU.
( woman screams )
YES, THAT'LL BE MY
BROTHER. COME IN.
HELLO, HENRY.
I'M NOT HENRY, YOU'RE HENRY.
OH YES.
IS THAT WHERE I'M
GOING TO SIT, I SUPPOSE?
- YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
- WHERE DOES MY SECRETARY SIT?
ON YOUR KNEE, YOU FOOL.
THIS IS YOUR SECRETARY, SIR.
ONE OWNER SINCE NEW,
COMPLETELY RUN IN, VERY SPORTY,
CAPABLE OF HIGH SPEEDS IF YOU PUT
YOUR FOOT DOWN. AND SHE'S ALL YOURS.
AND THIS YOUNG LADY IS YOUR
NURSE. THERE'S HER BELL ON THE DESK.
AND WHEN YOU GIVE HER A
SIGNAL SHE COMES RUNNING.
AND THE DAY SHE GIVES A
SIGNAL WE ALL COME RUNNING.
- ( knocking )
- OH, IT'S THE DOOR.
EXCUSE ME, SIR, THE STAFF
FROM THE CLOTHING DEPARTMENT.
- SEND THEM IN.
- PLEASE, COME IN.
Young Mr. Grace: YOU DO
THE HONORS, RUMBOLD.
- THIS IS CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR.
I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT
YOU FROM MY BROTHER.
- THIS IS MR. GROSSMAN.
- GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR.
I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT
YOU FROM MY BROTHER.
THANK YOU.
- THIS IS MR. HUMPHRIES.
- HELLO.
I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT
YOU FROM MY BROTHER,
BUT I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
A WORD OF IT.
THIS IS MRS. SLOCOMBE. SHE'S
MADE A BIG MARK IN THE LADIES.
DON'T DO IT AGAIN.
THIS IS MISS BRAHMS, A
SUNNY, FRIENDLY PERSONALITY
WHO SHOWS A GREAT
DEAL OF PROMISE.
YES, BUT IT'D NEVER
BEEN FULFILLED.
THIS IS SPOONER.
WHO HAS A SARCASTIC PERSONALITY
AND SHOWS NO PROMISE WHATEVER.
THAT'S ABOUT IT, SIR.
MR. GRACE. MR. GRACE?
- YOU'VE DROPPED OFF, SIR.
- EH?
- DROPPED OFF.
- OFF? WHAT DROPPED?
YOUR BROTHER HAS NOW
MET ALL THE STAFF, SIR.
IN THAT CASE I CAN GO.
MAKE WAY FOR MR. GRACE. HOLD
THE DOOR, DON'T GET IN HIS WAY.
GIVE HIM PLENTY OF
AIR. COME ALONG NOW.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
DON'T MAKE SO MUCH FUSS.
I'M NOT THE EMPEROR OF CHINA.
YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.
COME ALONG, MR. GRACE.
All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.
THERE'S THE PAJAMAS, MADAM.
AND IF YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T
GET COMPLETE SATISFACTION
DON'T HESITATE TO
BRING THEM BACK.
NOW, WHERE WAS I?
YOU HAD A FUNNY SHAKY FEELING
SO YOU WENT TO SEE THE DOCTOR.
OH YES, WELL, AFTER A
RIGOROUS EXAMINATION,
HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, "I CAN'T
FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOU,"
WHICH SURPRISED ME SO I
ASKED FOR A SECOND OPINION.
- DID YOU GET ONE?
- FROM THE WINDOW CLEANER,
BUT WE CLOSED THE
CURTAINS AND IGNORED HIM.
SO, ANYWAY, HE
SENT ME TO SEE THIS
PSYCHIATRIST, YOU SEE,
IN THE SAME BUILDING.
AS SOON AS I WENT THROUGH THE
DOOR HE SAID, "LIE ON THE COUCH
AND TELL ME THE FIRST THING
THAT COMES INTO YOUR MIND."
I SAID, "DO YOU MIND
CLOSING THOSE CURTAINS?
I'M SICK OF THE SIGHT OF
THAT WINDOW CLEANER."
DID HE FIND OUT WHAT
YOUR PROBLEM WAS?
NOT EXACTLY, BUT
WE'VE TRACKED DOWN HIS.
WE'RE HAVING DINER
TONIGHT TO DISCUSS IT.
OH!
JUST FEEL MY HAND,
IT'S GONE ALL CLAMMY.
NO, I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.
I THINK I SHALL
HAVE TO SIT DOWN.
MR. SPOONER, DO YOU MIND
HELPING ME TO THAT CHAIR?
OH, I SAY.
GET ME A PAIR OF Y-FRONTS.
- WHAT SIZE?
- ANY SIZE.
THANK YOU.
MR. SPOONER, WHY IS
MR. HUMPHRIES SITTING DOWN
AND FANNING HIMSELF
WITH A COUPLE OF Y-FRONTS?
HE'S COME OVER PECULIAR.
I HEARD ABOUT THIS,
BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS
WAS THE FORM IT TOOK.
HE HAS FAINTED. GET A DOCTOR.
- OH, MISS BRAHMS,
GET ON THE PHONE.
- YES.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING
NOW, MR. HUMPHRIES?
I FEEL PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT BUT I'VE
GOT A FUNNY LUMP COMING UP ON MY NOSE.
MR. HUMPHRIES HAS TO STAY HERE
UNTIL THE DOCTOR'S
COMPLETED THE BLOOD TESTS.
WILL IT TAKE LONG?
THEY TOOK A LOT OF BLOOD.
I HAVE TO GO HOME NOW,
BUT I'VE GIVEN
MR. HARMAN INSTRUCTIONS
TO LET THE DOCTOR
IN WHEN HE ARRIVES.
IF YOU'RE FEELING GROGGY,
I SUGGEST YOU TAKE A TAXI.
- THANK YOU.
- AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE,
OF COURSE.
I CAN'T FIND HIS PULSE.
ALLOW ME.
YES, THAT SEEMS ALL RIGHT.
HIS WRIST'S A BIT LIMP BUT
HIS HEART'S STILL GOING.
OH, HIS FOREHEAD'S VERY WARM.
HIS NOSE IS COLD.
HIS HAIR IS A BIT LIFELESS.
IT'S A SIGN OF POOR HEALTH.
HE'S PROBABLY GOT DISTEMPER.
BETTER GET YOUR BOB MARTINS.
- ( knocks )
- COME IN.
I WON'T COME IN
ANY FARTHER, SIR.
THE DOCTOR'S HERE. HE'S GOT
THE RESULT OF THE BLOOD TEST.
IS HE LOOKING HOPEFUL?
IT'S HARD TO TELL.
DON'T BE ALARMED. JUST A
FEW ELEMENTARY PRECAUTIONS.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?
THE PATIENT HAS CONTRACTED
A RATHER RARE MALADY
KNOWN AS MARINES' DISEASE.
MARINES' DISEASE?
IS IT CATCHING?
IT'S NEVER BEEN KNOWN TO BE FATAL BUT IT
DOES HAVE SOME RATHER NASTY SIDE EFFECTS
IF YOU DON'T GET TO
GRIPS WITH IT QUICKLY.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT YOU.
AH, DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE
THAT BUMP ON YOUR NOSE?
- OF COURSE NOT.
- THAT'S ONE OF THE FIRST
SYMPTOMS OF THE FIRST STAGE.
- HAVE YOU BEEN
SNEEZING A LOT?
- NO.
THEN YOU'VE GOT THE SNEEZING
TO COME. THAT'S THE SECOND STAGE.
NOW, THE TROUBLE IS THAT
ANYBODY WHO'S BEEN IN CONTACT
WITH THE PATIENT WILL
HAVE TO BE ISOLATED.
BUT WE'VE ALL BEEN
IN CONTACT WITH HIM.
WE'LL HAVE TO SEAL OFF THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT
AND YOU'LL ALL HAVE TO BE ISOLATED
UNTIL THE MEDICAL OFFICER OF
HEALTH GIVES YOU THE ALL CLEAR.
BUT AT 7:00 TONIGHT MY PUSSY'S
EXPECTING TO SEE A FRIENDLY FACE.
- HOW LONG ARE WE
TO BE ISOLATED?
- ABOUT SEVEN DAYS.
JUST HOW DO YOU GET
THIS MARINES' DISEASE?
I KNEW SOMEBODY WOULD ASK
THAT QUESTION SOONER OR LATER.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MARINES, IN
FACT, IT COMES FROM SMALL SHELLFISH.
I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY HANDS
OFF THOSE WINKLES LAST NIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MR. HARMAN?
AS PER DOCTOR'S ORDERS. SEEING AS
HOW THEY COULDN'T GO TO HOSPITAL,
I'VE JUST DECONTAMINATED
THE LIFT SO THEY CAN BE
TAKEN TO THEIR QUARTERS
WHERE THEY CAN ALL BE ISOLATED.
THEY WERE QUITE RELIEVED WHEN THEY
HEARD THEY WEREN'T GOING TO HOSPITAL.
THEY WON'T BE SO RELIEVED WHEN
THEY HEAR WHERE THEY'RE GOING.
- WHERE'D THEY GOT TO?
- THEY'RE BURNING THEIR
CLOTHES IN THE INCINERATOR
AND PUTTING ON THEIR
ANTISEPTIC DISPOSABLE SLEEPWEAR.
COR BLIMEY, THE LAST
TIME I SAW A SIGHT LIKE THAT
THE KEEPER WAS FEEDING THEM WITH
A BUCKET OF FISH AT THE PENGUIN POOL.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
MR. GRACE DID CONSIDER
SENDING YOU TO THE BOARDROOM.
OH, THAT SOUNDS QUITE NICE.
BUT HE COULDN'T FIND THE
KEY TO THE DRINKS CABINET.
OH, HE NEEDN'T HAVE
BOTHERED TO OPEN THAT FOR US.
HE WANTED TO LOCK IT.
- Peacock:
SO WHERE ARE WE GOING?
- THE BEDDING STORE.
WELL, AT LEAST THERE'LL
BE PLENTY OF DECENT BEDS.
RIGHT, FOLLOW ME.
THESE MUST BE OUR
QUARTERS THROUGH HERE.
OH NO, THAT'S THE LOO.
WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO BE GOING, MR. HARMAN?
- HE'S CLOSING THE DOOR.
- HERE, HANG ON.
HARMAN, HARMAN, OPEN
THAT DOOR AT ONCE! HARMAN.
THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS. YOU'VE GOT
TO BE ISOLATED AND ISOLATED YOU IS.
- WE CAN'T STAY IN HERE.
- LIGHTS OUT 10:00.
I'LL BE ROUND IN THE
MORNING WITH A CUPPA.
- BUT WHERE ARE THE BEDS?
- THAT'S IT OVER THERE.
A KING-SIZED WATERBED.
RETURNED BY AN ARAB SHEIK
BECAUSE IT WAS TOO
BIG A STRAIN ON HIS OASIS.
- WHAT ABOUT OUR DINNER?
- OH YEAH. I'LL SHOVE IT
THOUGH THIS LITTLE HOLE.
IT'LL BE NARROW BUT NOURISHING.
- COME BACK, MR. HARMAN.
- OPEN THIS DOOR.
WELL, WHAT I SAY IS IF WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO STAY HERE,
WE MIGHT AS WELL
MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
CHEERS.
IF WE REMAIN HERE FOR A WEEK,
I'M DETERMINED I'M
NOT GOING TO GET IT.
WE'LL DRINK TO THAT, MR. GRACE.
( knocking )
AHEM, EXCUSE ME, MR. GRACE.
HOW ARE THEY GETTING
ON DOWN IN THE BASEMENT?
THEY WAS HAMMERING ON
THE DOOR FOR ABOUT AN HOUR
THEN I GAVE THEM ALL
CHICKEN CURRY AND PRUNES.
I SEE.
IS IT ALL QUIET DOWN THERE NOW?
AS QUIET AS CAN BE EXPECTED
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
WELL, LET US FACE
IT. IT'S A CALLOUS ACT
AND A GROSS VIOLATION
OF OUR FREEDOM,
BUT WE ARE HERE FOR THE NIGHT.
BUT WHERE ARE WE GOING TO SLEEP?
WELL, SPEAKING FOR MYSELF,
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THIS,
MISS BRAHMS AND ME ARE
NOT SPENDING THE NIGHT
AND SHARING A BED WITH FOUR MEN.
YEAH, ESPECIALLY
WHEN ONE OF THEM'S HIM.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, I THINK I
SPEAK FOR ALL OF US WHEN I SAY
THAT THE SIGHT OF YOU IN THAT
DOESN'T EXACTLY SEND THE BLOOD
SURGING LIKE FIRE
THROUGH MY VEINS.
YOU COULD, OF COURSE, TAKE
THE FLOOR, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
IF WE HAVE TO SHARE,
THEN I BAGS THE OUTSIDE AND
YOU BE NEXT TO ME, MR. HUMPHRIES.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.
YOU'RE AGITATING IT.
I AM DOING NOTHING OF THE KIND.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK!
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I DON'T OFTEN ASK
THIS BUT WOULD YOU MIND HOLDING MY HAND?
OH, THAT'S BETTER.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
STAY VERY STILL IN THE NIGHT.
I USUALLY DO.
COME ON, MISS BRAHMS,
YOU GET IN NEXT TO ME.
COME ON, EVERYBODY. ALL THE
REST OF YOU, GET IN. THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU ON THE END, MR. SPOONER.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.
SCOOT IN SO I CAN GET
MY LEGS THROUGH THERE.
COME ALONG,
MR. GROSSMAN, GET ON.
SPOONER, OVER HERE. DOWN THERE.
HOLD ON... HOLD ON TO THE BACK.
HOLD ON TO THE BACK. HANG ON.
NOW THEN. NOW THEN.
EVERYBODY... EVERYBODY EASE DOWN
VERY SLOWLY INTO THE BED.
THERE. SLOWLY.
CAREFUL, CAREFUL.
THERE WE ARE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
WHERE'S YOUR FOOT?
I'VE RATHER LOST TRACK
OF THEM, MR. HUMPHRIES.
TRY WIGGLING YOUR RIGHT BIG TOE.
NO. YOUR LEFT ONE.
( giggling )
YOU'LL HAVE TO MOVE
IT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
- NOT VERY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- ARE YOU A BAD SAILOR?
WELL, PUT IT LIKE THIS,
EVEN WHEN I'M WATCHING...
"TRIANGLE" I HAVE TO
TAKE SEASICK PILLS.
WELL, DON'T WE ALL?
HANG ON, I THINK
IT'S GOING DOWN.
NOW THEN... NOW THEN, EVERYBODY.
EVERYBODY LIE QUITE STILL
AND BREATHE VERY SLOWLY.
IN, OUT.
IN, OUT.
OXFORD ARE LEADING
BY TWO LENGTHS.
BE QUIET, MR. SPOONER. IN...
I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP
WITH THE LIGHT ON.
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO
BECAUSE MY CURRY WON'T
STAND ONE MORE WAVE.
WE'VE GOT ANOTHER PROBLEM. I
CAN FEEL PHASE TWO COMING ON.
- NOT THE SNEEZES.
- I'M AFRAID SO.
I'VE GOT AN ITCHY NOSE AND ALL.
- FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.
- ( sneezes )
( all sneezing )
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP. ♪