Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 7, Episode 7 - The Agent - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

- ( knocking )
- ENTER.

MORNING, MR. RUMBOLD, SIR.

YOUR COFFEE.

WHY ISN'T THE COFFEE IN THE CUP?

ER, THE CANTEEN ARE
SUPPLYING INSTANT IN THE PACKET.

LOOK, I'LL SHOW
YOU. THERE YOU ARE.

NOW THAT IS THE MAGIC POWDER.



ARE YOU READY TO DRINK IT NOW?

I WILL BE, IN THE
FULLNESS OF TIME.

I'M SORRY, SIR, THAT'S
NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

YOU HAVE TO BE READY
TO DRINK IT AT ONCE.

- WHY IS THAT?
- IT'S INSTANT COFFEE.

SO CALLED BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE
INSTANCE WHEN IT TASTES LIKE COFFEE.

AND GO!

GO ON, DRINK IT ALL
UP. GO ON. GO ON.

ALL UP. DRINK IT ALL UP, SIR.

OH, THAT'S LOVELY, SIR.
GO ON. THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.

GO ON, RIGHT DOWN.
THAT'S IT, SEE? RIGHT.

NOW, TODAY IS FRIDAY,
WHICH IS PAY-DAY,

SO CAN I HAVE THE MONEY
TO TAKE DOWN TO THE STAFF?

AH, NOW THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE
IN THE PAYOUT ARRANGEMENTS.



THE MONEY WILL BE BROUGHT
DOWN BY THE ACCOUNTS CLERK

IN A SECURITY DISPENSER.

I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.
I'VE BEEN DOLING OUT THE WAGES

IN THE WIRE BASKET FOR YEARS.

YES, BUT MR. HARMAN,
THE TIMES ARE CHANGING.

AND THE INSURANCE COMPANY INSISTS
THAT WE USE A MORE MODERN METHOD.

DOES THAT MEAN I'VE
BEEN MADE REDUNDANT?

INDEED NOT. YOU WILL ACCOMPANY
THE CLERK AS SECURITY ESCORT.

YEAH, BUT IF I DON'T TAKE THE
MONEY, I MEAN, I'M BEING DOWNGRADED.

I SHALL HAVE TO REPORT THIS TO
MY ACCREDITED SHOP STEWARD.

WHAT HAPPENS TO BE ME.

IT'S A PITY ABOUT THAT.

THERE WAS TO HAVE BEEN A BONUS
OF £2 THAT WENT WITH THE JOB.

I'M SORRY, SIR, I CAN'T STAY.

I'VE GOT TO GO DOWN TO
THE ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT.

THANK YOU FOR
YOUR CUSTOM, MADAM.

SO ANYWAY, ME AND MRS. AXELBY
DIDN'T FANCY GOING ABROAD THIS YEAR.

I MEAN, SPAIN'S
GETTING SO COMMON.

ANYBODY CAN GO NOW.

SO ANYWAY, WE BOOKED
INTO THIS HOLIDAY CAMP.

WEREN'T YOU BOTHERED BY
THEM YOUNG MEN CAMPERS?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

AND IT WAS SO HOT

THAT WE SAT IN OUR NIGHTDRESSES
WITH THE DOOR WIDE OPEN.

AND NOBODY BOTHERED US AT ALL.

WELL, IT SOUNDS A
BIT BORING TO ME.

OH NO, NOT AT ALL. THERE WAS
SOMETHING GOING ON ALL THE TIME.

OH, AND LAUGH!

ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT THEY HAD
THIS SORT OF VARIETY CONCERT

AND THERE WAS THIS MAN
THAT HYPNOTIZED PEOPLE.

WAS HE ANY GOOD?

WELL, HE GOT ME UP ON THE STAGE,

AND APPARENTLY HE HAD ME
DOING ALL SORTS OF SILLY THINGS.

LOOK... THAT WAS TAKEN OF ME.

BLIMEY, YOU'RE
STANDING ON YOUR HEAD.

I KNOW.

I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED IT
IF I HADN'T SEEN THAT PICTURE.

IT'S LUCKY YOUR
SEAMS WERE STRAIGHT.

AND THAT'S ONE OF ME WHEN
HE HAD ME DOING THE CANCAN.

AND THAT'S JUST AFTER
AT THE FIRST-AID POST.

OH, AND ALL THE WAY
THROUGH THE SHOW,

WHENEVER HE SNAPPED HIS FINGERS

ALL THE AUDIENCE
BLEW A RASPBERRY.

MRS. SLOCOMBE.

( blows raspberry )

ARE YOU BEING SERVED, SIR?

THAT'S THE GENTLEMAN
I WANT TO SEE.

THAT'S OUR MR. HUMPHRIES.
EXCUSE ME, MR. HUMPHRIES,

THIS GENTLEMAN WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK
TO YOU. HE ASKED FOR YOU PERSONALLY.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, SIR?

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING
THAT'S GOING TO SHOCK YOU.

IN THAT CASE, I'LL
PUT ME GLASSES ON.

- ARE YOU READY?
- READY AS I SHALL EVER BE.

THERE.

WHAT EXACTLY AM I
SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING AT?

WELL, THIS SWEATER.

WHEN I BOUGHT IT, IT
CAME DOWN TO THERE.

NOW LOOK WHERE IT'S GONE TO.

- DID YOU WASH IT YOURSELF?
- YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I DID.

AND YOU ASSURED
ME IT WAS DRIP-DRY.

ARE YOU THE DRIP THAT DRIED IT?

THAT'LL DO, MR. LUCAS.

- DID YOU WASH IT
IN LUKEWARM WATER, SIR?
- YES.

- DID YOU USE
A MILD DETERGENT?
- YES.

- DID YOU USE SOFT WATER?
- YES.

- DID YOU HANG
IT UP TO DRY?
- YES.

( laughing )

YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY
NOT READ THE LABEL.

THIS GARMENT IS MADE
OF PURE GIRAFFE WOOL.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE?

IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME PRINCIPLE
AS THE COWS, ISN'T IT, MR. LUCAS?

OH, IDENTICAL, MR. HUMPHRIES.

I MEAN, WHEN IT'S GOING
TO RAIN, COWS LIE DOWN.

- SO WHAT.
- IT'S JUST THE SAME
WITH THE GIRAFFE.

IF THEY STOOD UP AND GOT THEIR SKINS
WET IT WOULD ALL HANG OVER IN FOLDS.

WHEN THEY GALLOPED
OFF THEY'D TRIP OVER.

NOW WHAT I SUGGEST
YOU DO IS WASH IT AGAIN,

LIE IT ON A TOWEL TO
DRY IN SOME SUNLIGHT,

NOT BEFORE 2:00
IN THE AFTERNOON,

PREFERABLY WITH A COOL
WESTERLY BREEZE BLOWING.

IF YOU HAVE ANY TROUBLE, DON'T
HESITATE TO BRING IT BACK. GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

WHAT A SALESMAN YOU
ARE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

A SILVER TONGUE, A GOLDEN SMILE,

A WARM HEART.

YOU SHOULD HAVE A GREAT CAREER

WITH THE RIGHT
PERSON BEHIND YOU.

MIND CHANGING PLACES WITH ME?

♪ STROLLING ROUND THE WORLD ♪

♪ HAVING A BEAUTIFUL TIME. ♪

GATHER ROUND, EVERYBODY.
COME ALONG, COME ALONG.

NOW, AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD,

THIS IS THE NEW
SECURITY WAGE DISPENSER.

WOULD YOU PERHAPS
LIKE TO EXPLAIN, MR. PATEL?

CERTAINLY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

NOW, YOU ALL HAVE IDENTITY
PHOTOGRAPHS ON YOUR RECORDS.

THESE PHOTOGRAPHS
HAVE BEEN COPIED

AND ARE INSIDE HERE.

THIS MACHINE WILL SCAN YOU,

COMPARE YOU WITH THE
IDENTITY PHOTOGRAPH,

AND IF YOU ARE IN FACT
WHO YOU CLAIM TO BE,

YOUR SALARY WILL BE DULY
DEPOSITED IN THE PAYOUT TRAY.

WHY DIDN'T IT COME IN THE WIRE
BASKET LIKE IT ALWAYS DONE?

"DID," MISS BRAHMS.

WELL, LIKE IT ALWAYS DID DONE.

BECAUSE OF THE ALARMING
INCREASE IN DAYLIGHT ROBBERY.

OUR WAGES ARE DAYLIGHT ROBBERY.

THAT WILL DO, MR. LUCAS.

- NOW, WHO IS TO GO FIRST?
- I WILL GO FIRST.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK IS GOING FIRST.

STAND BY, MR. HARMAN.

- ARE YOU READY,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
- READY.

- READY, MR. PATEL?
- ABSOLUTELY READY.

I'M PRESSING THE BUTTONS NOW.

PLEASE, TO BE QUITE STILL.

( beeping )

THE COMPARING IS NOW GOING ON.

Electronic voice:
Do not pay out.

Do not pay out.

YOU ARE PERHAPS WONDERING
WHY THE MACHINE HAS NOT PAID OUT.

I WAS WONDERING WHY THE
MACHINE HAS NOT PAID OUT.

- WEREN'T YOU, MR. LUCAS?
- PERHAPS IT'S BEEN STOLEN
BY A DALEK.

I WILL NOW LOOK AT THE
IDENTITY PHOTOGRAPH

TO SEE IF THERE IS A REASON.

THERE WE HAVE IT.

YOU SEE, IN THE PHOTOGRAPH
YOU ARE WEARING FANCY DRESS.

I AM NOT IN FANCY DRESS.

THAT PHOTOGRAPH WAS TAKEN FOR
THE GRACE BROTHERS OPERATIC SOCIETY'S

MUCH ACCLAIMED PRODUCTION
OF "THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE."

I PLAYED THE PART OF FREDRICK.

WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

IF YOU JUST WEAR A BLACK PATCH

AND SOMETHING RED ON YOUR HEAD,

YOU WILL GET
IMMEDIATELY YOUR SALARY.

IT MAY SURPRISE YOU TO KNOW THAT I
DO NOT HAVE MY PIRATE COSTUME WITH ME.

OH, HERE. YOU CAN USE
THIS FOR AN EYE-PATCH.

HERE, SHOVE THAT
IN YOUR MINCE PIE.

AND PUT THESE ON YOUR
HEAD AS A RED HANDKERCHIEF.

IF YOU THINK THAT EVERY
TIME I GET MY SALARY

I'M GOING TO PARADE
WITH A BRASSIERE IN MY EYE

AND A PAIR OF KNICKERS ON MY HEAD
YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THINK COMING.

NOW LOOK, DO YOU WANT
YOUR MONEY OR NOT?

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
THERE, MR. GOLDBERG?

IT'S A LITTLE BUSINESS
I RUN ON THE SIDE.

I CAN'T LIVE ON THE
MONEY THEY PAY YOU HERE

SO I RUN A LITTLE AGENCY.

WHAT SORT OF AN AGENCY?

IT'S A FIRST-CLASS
EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.

I FIND POSITIONS FOR HIGH-CLASS
SALESMEN LIKE YOURSELF.

SEEMS TO PAY OFF VERY WELL.

I DO IT VERY CHEAP, THOUGH.

I ONLY CHARGE... I ONLY
CHARGE THE FIRST WEEK'S WAGES.

( quietly counting )

- AH, £130.
- WHO'S THAT FROM?

FROM THE NEW HEAD OF STATIONERY

AND GREETINGS CARDS
AT LALLY AND WILLETS.

AND HE'S ONLY A YOUNG
MAN, LIKE YOURSELF.

WHAT DO YOU KNOCK UP HERE?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

WHAT DO YOU EARN?

TSK, TSK, TSK.

WHAT A LIBERTY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I
COULD GET YOU AT HARRODS?

TELL ME.

WHAT, JUST FOR SELLING THINGS?

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T GOT
WHAT YOU'VE GOT ARE GETTING IT.

ARE THEY?

WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING IT?

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T
GOT WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

I DON'T REALLY LIKE TO ASK, BUT WHAT
IS IT I'VE GOT THAT NOBODY ELSE HAS?

YOU'VE GOT CHARM,
VITALITY AND PERSONALITY,

EXPERIENCE AND YOUTH.

OH, THAT, YES. OH
YES, I'VE GOT THAT.

WELL, SOME OF IT.

NOW LISTEN, DON'T
MISUNDERSTAND ME.

I'M NOT JUST TOUTING
FOR BUSINESS.

- I'M NOT THAT SORT
OF PERSON AT ALL.
- OF COURSE NOT.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO MAKE
SOME INQUIRIES ON YOUR BEHALF?

AS MY OLD CHOIRMASTER
USED TO SAY,

THERE'S NO HARM IN ASKING.

OF COURSE NOT.

WHEN DID YOUR
CHOIRMASTER SAY THAT?

SHORTLY AFTER HE
TOLD ME I'D GOT CHARM,

VITALITY, PERSONALITY,
EXPERIENCE AND YOUTH.

I'M SURE YOU WON'T MIND

IF WE MAKE OUR
ASSOCIATION, AS IT WERE,

- ON AN OFFICIAL BASIS.
- ANYTIME YOU LIKE.

IF YOU DON'T MIND,
WOULD YOU SIGN... THERE?

THANK YOU.

AND THERE.

HERE.

HERE.

HERE.

AND INITIAL THERE.

AND LASTLY, JUST THERE.

FINALLY, THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.

NOW, THAT COVERS EVERYTHING.

- DON'T I GET A COPY?
- NO.

WHEN YOU SIGNED THERE

YOU AGREED NOT TO HAVE
A COPY OF THE AGREEMENT.

BUT IF YOU HAVE ANY QUERIES,

JUST ASK.

OH, MR. GOLDBERG, COULD I
HAVE A PRIVATE WORD WITH YOU

ABOUT THAT MATTER
THAT WE WAS DISCUSSING?

YOU MAY SPEAK FREELY IN
FRONT OF MR. HUMPHRIES.

I'VE JUST UNDERTAKEN
HIS REPRESENTATION.

OH, ANYTHING HAPPENING?

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU,

WE'VE GOT FEELERS
OUT AT DOROTHY PERKINS

FOR HEAD OF LADIES FOUNDATIONS.

AND ALSO A VERY GOOD RESPONSE

FOR THE POSITION OF
HEAD FITTER AT ATCO.

ATCO? THEY MAKE LAWNMOWERS.

ARE THEY IN UNDERWEAR AS WELL?

NO, THEY MAKE LAWNMOWERS.

BUT THE MONEY'S VERY GOOD.

I DON'T THINK I COULD
DO A MECHANICAL JOB.

ONE HAS ONE'S
STANDARDS, YOU KNOW.

IT'S £200 A WEEK.

MOTOR MOWERS OR PUSH ALONG?

I BROUGHT YOU A CHOCOLATE
BICKIE, MR. GOLDBERG.

OH, THANK YOU, MISS BRAHMS.

NOW, IS THERE ANY NEWS?

I'VE SENT OUT ALL YOUR PHOTOS

WITH A DESCRIPTION OF
YOUR EXPERIENCE TO DATE.

BUT THE ONLY REPLY SO FAR

IS A FIRM OFFER IN BEDS.

£300 A WEEK.

- I TURNED IT DOWN.
- WHAT FOR?

THE BEDS WAS IN CAIRO AND
YOU WAS ON SALE OR RETURN.

IS MR. GOLDBERG LOOKING
AFTER YOUR INTERESTS, MR. LUCAS?

I'M HAVING YOUR JOB
WHEN YOU'VE GONE.

I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT
A YOUNG MAN LIKE YOU

WOULD HAVE SET YOUR
SIGHTS ON SOMETHING HIGHER.

I HAVE. WHEN I TELL THEM WHO'S NICKING
ALL THE STAFF FROM GRACE BROTHERS,

I'LL HAVE MR. GOLDBERG'S
JOB AS WELL.

MORE HOT COFFEE, MR. GOLDBERG?

OH, THANK YOU, DIANA.

RIGHT UP TO THE CHIP.

THANKS TO YOU I START
AS THE HEAD TOSSER

AT THE GAY HUSSAR
PANCAKE HOUSE ON MONDAY.

YOU NEVER TOLD
ME THAT WAS GOING.

OH, AND THERE'S A
PHONE CALL FOR YOU.

- THANK YOU, DIANA.
- DON'T GET UP.

- AMANDA'S BRINGING
IT TO YOU, SIR.
- THANK YOU.

IT'S THE PERSONNEL
DEPARTMENT OF LALLY AND WILLETS.

- THANK YOU.
- AND THANK YOU
FOR GETTING ME THIS JOB.

- YEAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- YOU'RE A BUSY LITTLE BEE,
AREN'T YOU?

HELLO.

McVITIES EMPLOYMENT AGENCY HERE.

MR. GOLDBERG SPEAKING.

OH, HELLO, SID.

NOW, HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING
ABOUT MRS. SLOCOMBE?

OH, YOU LIKE THE SOUND OF
MRS. SLOCOMBE SO FAR? GOOD.

I LIKE THE SOUND
OF MRS. SLOCOMBE,

IT'S THE SIGHT
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

NOW I TELL YOU...
I TELL YOU, SID,

SHE'S A VERY BEAUTIFUL LADY.

HER AGE?

30ish.

LOOK, IT'S A SENIOR
POSITION, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

THEY WANT SOMEONE
OLDER THAN THAT.

TELL A LIE AND SAY 40ish.

WHAT? OH.

THEY WANT SOMEONE WHO'S 50ish.

GO ON, NOW'S YOUR
CHANCE TO TELL THE TRUTH.

NOW LOOK, I WOULDN'T
LIE TO YOU, SID.

SHE'D PASS FOR 50.

WHAT'S HER WHAT LIKE?

UH, BIG.

IN FACT, VERY BIG INDEED.

MR. GOLDBERG, WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

PERSONALITY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

SHE WILL NOT TAKE LESS THAN 125.

SORRY. SO THE
BALL'S IN YOUR COURT.

OH, SID, I'VE JUST
TAKEN ON A NEW CLIENT.

A MR. HUMPHRIES.

YEAH, I'M VERY
EXCITED ABOUT HIM.

OH, SID, HE'S RIGHT
UP YOUR STREET.

HE HAS CHARM, VITALITY,

PERSONALITY.
EXPERIENCE HE'S GOT.

AND YOUTH.

AND YOUTH.

IS HE A WHAT?

( laughing )

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN...

WELL, UH... I DON'T THINK SO.

SID, I MEAN, HE'S...
MR. HUMPHRIES,

YOU'RE NOT A MILITANT
TRADE UNIONIST, ARE YOU?

WHAT, WITH SUEDE SHOES? I'D
BE LAUGHED OFF THE PLATFORM.

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. IF
ANYTHING COMES UP LET ME KNOW.

THANK YOU.

SO, I'VE SOWN THE SEED.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO NOW IS WAIT.

HELLO, IT'S TIME WE
WERE GETTING BACK.

THAT'S A NICE WATCH,
MR. GOLDBERG.

YEAH, 18 KARAT.

IT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY
A VERY SATISFIED CLIENT.

OH, IT'S GOT AN
INSCRIPTION ON IT.

"THANKS FOR EVERYTHING. I
COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU.

LOVE, MAGGIE."

HERE'S YOUR LETTERS, MR. GRACE.

THANK YOU.

I HAVEN'T GOT ME GLASSES.

OH, SHALL I GUIDE
YOUR HAND, THEN?

YES, YOU'RE VERY GOOD
AT THAT, AREN'T YOU?

HERE WE ARE.

NOW, "G,"

"R, A"...

YES, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPELL IT.

YOUR NEW SPECTACLES HAVE
ARRIVED FROM THE OPTICIAN, MR. GRACE.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
LIKE TO SEE IF THEY'RE OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT.
- HERE WE ARE.

OH YES, THEY'RE A
GREAT IMPROVEMENT.

AND THESE ARE YOUR
NEW READING GLASSES.

THERE.

HERE'S THE MIRROR.

WE'RE NOT HAVING AN
EARTHQUAKE OR ANYTHING, ARE WE?

NO, SIR.

OH, I DON'T LIKE THOSE.

THEY MAKE ME LOOK
LIKE AN OLD POUF.

NO THEY DON'T. THEY MAKE
YOU LOOK LIKE ELTON JOHN.

THAT'S NO COMFORT.

NOW PAY ATTENTION, MR. GRACE. I
WANT TO SEE HOW MUCH YOU CAN READ.

"A."

THE REST'S IN POLISH.

"SIGNEY... BLONETKO."

DO CONCENTRATE, MR. GRACE.

NOW WHAT DOES IT
SAY ON THE BOTTOM?

"WASH BY HAND IN
LUKEWARM WATER."

SHALL WE COME BACK LATER, SIR?

NO, NO, NO. COME ON, COME IN.

CAN WE HAVE A
WORD PRIVATELY, SIR?

NO, I'VE HAD A
GOOD LOOK AT THAT.

IT'S LIKE THIS, SIR.

DURING THE PAST WEEK, CAPTAIN
PEACOCK HAS BECOME AWARE

THAT A CERTAIN MEMBER OF STAFF

HAS BEEN MAKING
CERTAIN PHONE CALLS

TO A CERTAIN STORE ABOUT
CERTAIN OTHER MEMBERS OF STAFF.

AS A RESULT OF WHICH,
WE ARE FAIRLY CERTAIN

THAT CERTAIN MEMBERS OF THE
STAFF MAY SOON BE LEAVING US.

MR. GRACE.

MR. GRACE?

HE'S GONE TO SLEEP.

I'M NOT SURPRISED.

MR. GRACE. MR. GRACE.

OH, WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

WHEN HE DROPS OFF LIKE
THAT HE'S GONE FOR AN HOUR.

I'LL DO IT FOR YOU, SIR.

OH DRAT, MY
SUSPENDER'S GONE AGAIN.

WHAT WAS THAT?

SIR,

WE FEAR THAT MR. HUMPHRIES

HAS BEEN SUBORNED
BY MR. GOLDBERG.

HE'S BEEN ASKING
FOR IT, HASN'T HE?

WHAT DO YOU WANT
US TO DO ABOUT IT?

YOU DEAL WITH IT, RUMBOLD.

THE UH... THE BALL

SEEMS TO HAVE LODGED ITSELF
FIRMLY IN YOUR COURT, MR. RUMBOLD.

YES, BIT OF A FACER, ISN'T IT?

IT'S ONE OF THE PENALTIES
OF BEING AN EXECUTIVE, SIR.

YES, WHAT WOULD
YOU DO IN MY POSITION?

I'D CONSIDER IT FROM
MR. GRACE'S STANDPOINT.

HE HAS THREE
COURSES OPEN TO HIM.

SACK THEM, WAIT FOR THEM TO
RESIGN, OR PAY THEM MORE MONEY.

OH, I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

THERE IS ONE ALTERNATIVE YOU
HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF, PEACOCK.

- YES, SIR?
- IF I HOLD MY HORSES
AND DO NOTHING

IT MAY ALL BLOW OVER.

IF I MAY SAY SO, SIR,

IT TAKES AN EXECUTIVE OF YOUR
CALIBER TO THINK OF A SOLUTION LIKE THAT.

THANK YOU, PEACOCK.

OH, EXCELLENT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.

- IT'S FIXED.
- WHAT'S HAPPENED?

( phone ringing )

LADIES WEAR.

COULD I SPEAK TO MRS.
SLOCOMBE, PLEASE?

- WHOM'S CALLING?
- McVITIE AGENCY HERE.

OH, HERE, YOUR
AGENT'S ON THE BLOWER.

THANK YOU, MISS BRAHMS.

- MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- IT'S FIXED.

IT'S FIXED, ME NEW
JOB! WHAT IS IT?

WOULD YOU COME TO MY
OFFICE IMMEDIATELY, PLEASE?

OF COURSE, MR. GOLDBERG.

DO YOU MIND TELLING
ME WHAT'S GOING ON?

'CAUSE I CAN'T STAND
SECRETS, CAN I?

NO YOU CAN'T, THAT'S WHY YOU
DIDN'T BECOME A FREEMASON, ISN'T IT?

ONE OF THE REASONS.

I'LL PUT YOU BOTH
IN THE PICTURE.

YOU'RE BOTH GOING
TO LALLY AND WILLETS.

OH, ISN'T THAT EXCITING!

AND YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES,

ARE TO BE THE NEW MANAGER

OF THE UNISEX
CLOTHING DEPARTMENT.

THAT SHOULD CONFUSE
YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

IT WILL, MR. LUCAS.

AND YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
ARE TO TAKE CHARGE

OF THE PUSSY SHAMPOO PARLOR.

I'LL BE IN SEVENTH HEAVEN.

IT COULD BE THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR
CAREER, MRS. SLOCOMBE. HEAD MOGGY WASHER.

AND YOUR SALARY WILL BE...

- NO.
- WHAT ABOUT MINE?

- A MONTH?
- NO, A WEEK.

HADN'T WE BETTER RESIGN?

THE BETTER THE DAY,
THE BETTER THE DEED.

NO, NO. HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

YOU'RE FORGETTING
YOUR SEVERANCE PAY.

IF YOU RESIGN
NOW, IT'LL BE TRIVIAL.

NO, YOU'VE GOT TO
MAKE THEM SACK YOU.

THEN WE CAN TAKE THEM
TO THE INDUSTRIAL TRIBUNAL

FOR WRONGFUL DISMISSAL.

THEN WE MAKE A SETTLEMENT.

WE?

CLAUSE 10.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, MISS BRAHMS,

WILL YOU PLEASE RETURN
TO YOUR COUNTER?

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT MRS. MAXWELL IS THERE
AND SHE'S THE WIFE OF ONE OF OUR DIRECTORS?

SO SHE IS.

I PROMISE YOU SHE WILL GET
THE SERVICE SHE DESERVES.

IF YOU WANT THE SACK, ALL YOU'VE GOT
TO DO IS BE RUDE TO CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

- WHAT A GOOD IDEA.
- MR. HUMPHRIES,
TIDY THAT COUNTER.

THERE'S JUST ONE THING I WANT
YOU TO KNOW, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

AND WHAT IS THAT, MR. HUMPHRIES?

I'M JUST GOING TO
TIDY MY COUNTER.

HERE WE GO.

WERE YOU REQUIRING
ASSISTANCE, MADAM?

OH YES, I'VE JUST
BROUGHT THAT SKIRT BACK.

WHEN YOU GET IT IN DAYLIGHT

THE COLOR IS ABSOLUTELY FOUL,

IT'S FAR TOO EXPENSIVE

AND IT RIDES UP WHEN I SIT DOWN.

WELL, THE COLOR GOES WITH
YOUR BLOTCHY COMPLEXION.

AND IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE
BECAUSE YOU'RE A MEAN OLD BAG.

AND IT RIDES UP
WHEN YOU SIT DOWN

BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT
A GREAT BIG, FAT BUM.

DO YOU MEAN TO SAY, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
THAT YOU DON'T DENY ANY OF THESE WORDS?

NOT ONE SYLLABLE.

SHE SAID IT ALL AND
THAT'S THE TRUTH.

- THANK YOU, MISS BRAHMS.
- EXTRAORDINARY.

WE WILL NOW PASS
ON TO MR. HUMPHRIES.

ACCORDING TO CAPTAIN
PEACOCK, YOU SERVED

THE HONORABLE LAVINIA EFFINGHAM
ffOULKES, WITH TWO SMALL Fs,

WHO IS ALSO ONE OF OUR
MOST IMPORTANT CUSTOMERS.

THAT'S RIGHT, MR. RUMBOLD.

I WILL NOW ASK CAPTAIN
PEACOCK TO REPEAT THE REMARKS

HE OVERHEARD YOU MAKE TO HER.

ON APPROACHING THE CUSTOMER,
MR. HUMPHRIES WAS HEARD TO SAY,

"HELLO, DOLLY BABY, YOU'VE GOT
THE BEST PAIR OF BOOBS I'VE SEEN

SINCE THE 'CONFESSIONS OF SWEDISH
EMMANUELLE'S WINDOW CLEANER.'"

DID YOU SAY THOSE WORDS?

- I DID, MR. RUMBOLD.
- I HEARD HIM.

EVERYTHING CAPTAIN PEACOCK
SAYS IS TRUE AND HE WINKED AS WELL.

I DID, LIKE THAT.

MR. HUMPHRIES, I'M SURPRISED
YOU EVEN SAW SUCH A FILM.

I WAS UNDER THERAPY AT THE TIME.

YES, HE THEN SAID,

"HOW ABOUT MEETING ME IN
THE PARK BEHIND THE BANDSTAND

AND WE'LL PITCH A LITTLE WOO?"

"PITCH A LITTLE WOO?"

WHAT FILM DID THAT COME FROM?

GOLD DIGGERS OF 1938."

THIS IS THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY
SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES.

- ARE YOU GOING TO SACK US?
- IN YOUR CASE, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

I HAVE A LETTER HERE
FROM MRS. MAXWELL,

WHO, AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW, IS A
LEADING MEMBER OF MORNING GLORY,

A RELIGIOUS SECT THAT REQUIRES
OF ITS FOLLOWERS ABSOLUTE HONESTY.

YOU APPARENTLY ARE THE FIRST
TRULY HONEST PERSON SHE'S EVER MET.

AS A RESULT OF WHICH SHE SENDS YOU
THESE TWO TICKETS FOR THEIR NEXT MEETING.

YOU'VE GOT TO SACK ME. I
MEAN, YOU CAN'T HAVE PEOPLE

WALKING ABOUND
SAYING THE THINGS I SAID.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I'VE
BEEN DOING IT FOR YEARS.

IT WOULD BE RATHER
DIFFICULT, MR. HUMPHRIES,

IN VIEW OF THIS NOTE
FROM THE LADY IN QUESTION.

"TELL HUMPHRIES, 5:30
BEHIND THE BANDSTAND

AND I'LL TAKE ALL THE
WOO HE CAN PITCH."

WELL, I'M SORRY, SID,

BUT GRACE BROTHERS HERE
GOT WIND OF YOUR OFFER,

WITH THE RESULT THEY GAVE NEW CONTRACTS
FOR MRS. SLOCOMBE AND MR. HUMPHRIES.

YEAH, WELL I GOT
A BIT OF A ROCKET

FROM THE MANAGEMENT
HERE FOR BEING BEHIND IT ALL,

BUT I HAD A CHAT WITH THEM
AND MADE THEM SEE SENSE.

OH, BY THE WAY, HAVE
YOU GOT ANYTHING

FOR AN EX-ARMY CAPTAIN AND A
CHIEF EXECUTIVE WITH BIG EARS?

WELL, LET ME KNOW.

YEAH, THANK YOU.

WELL, DID YOU SIGN THE CONTRACT?

NOT ONLY THAT, WE'VE GOT
OUR NEW WAGE PACKETS.

- 50% RISE.
- GOOD, I'LL HAVE THOSE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THAT WAS THE ARRANGEMENT,
ACCORDING TO THE CONTRACT.

THE FIRST WEEK'S WAGES I GET.

THERE YOU ARE.
IT'S ON PAGE FOUR.

THERE IT IS, "PJ,"

IT SAYS IN THE CONTRACT.

- I'LL DEAL WITH THAT.
- WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

SUE US.

LOOK AT THAT. THAT'S
TYPICAL, ISN'T IT?

YES, YOU TRY TO DO A GOOD DEAL
FOR THEM AND THEY SWINDLE YOU,

- DON'T THEY, MR. GOLDBERG?
- THEY DO, MR. LUCAS.

SHALL WE GO TO HAVE A DRINK TO
CELEBRATE BEFORE WE GO HOME?

I'D LOVE TO, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
BUT I'VE GOT TO RUSH OFF.

I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT
AT HALF PAST 5:00.

BEHIND THE BANDSTAND?

( cash register rings ) MRS. SLOCOMBE,
I DON'T PITCH MY WOO IN PUBLIC.

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪