Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 7, Episode 6 - Anything You Can Do - full transcript
The ladies and gents department are quite dissatisfied with the way the world is run these days especially in their canteen. In fact they've complained so much that the kitchen staff has left. In order to prove that it's much easier to produce decent meals on time, the group runs the kitchen themselves for a day, but their working conditions are not at all what they expected.
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
HOW MUCH LONGER ARE WE
GOING TO BE WITHOUT FOOD?
IF WE HADN'T MADE SUCH A FUSS
ABOUT HAVING WAITRESS SERVICE
WE COULD HAVE QUEUED UP,
GOT IT AND EATEN IT BY NOW.
WHEN YOU ARE ON YOUR FEET
ALL DAY THE LEAST YOU CAN EXPECT
IS TO SIT DOWN AND
REST AT LUNCHTIME
AND HAVE YOUR FOOD SERVED
TO YOU LIKE CIVILIZED PEOPLE.
MY STOMACH IS BUBBLING
LIKE AN ATOMIC POWER STATION.
FROM WHERE I'M SITTING,
THERE'S A LOT OF FALLOUT.
WE'VE ONLY GOT HALF AN
HOUR LEFT TO HAVE OUR DINNER.
- LUNCH.
- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN THE EVENING?
SUPPER.
ONLY THE WORKING CLASS
HAVE DINNER AND SUPPER.
PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE LIKE
OURSELVES HAVE LUNCH AND DINNER.
NOW LOOK, I'M NOT WORKING
CLASS. I LIVE IN A DETACHED HOUSE.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
I LIVE IN A FLAT,
BUT THAT DOESN'T GO TO SAY THAT
I DON'T LEAD A VERY REFINED LIFE.
AND IN MY LITTLE
NEST, WE HAVE SUPPER.
COURSE CAPTAIN PEACOCK
WEARS A DINNER JACKET, YOU KNOW.
LADY PEACOCK SAILS DOWN
THE STAIRS IN HER TIARA.
"FANCY A SHERRY BEFORE WE HAVE
THE BAKED BEANS ON TOAST?" HE SAYS.
"NO, I THINK I'LL WAIT AND
HAVE MINE WITH THE COCOA."
DON'T BE FACETIOUS, MR. LUCAS.
RIGHT, I HAD A WORD WITH
THAT CANTEEN MANAGERESS.
I PUT ON MY BEST SMILE.
I SAID, "IS THERE ANY
CHANCE OF MY SPAGHETTI
ARRIVING DURING THE REIGN
OF THE CURRENT MONARCH?"
SHE GAVE ME A RIGHT EARFUL.
I HOPE SHE DIDN'T
USE BAD LANGUAGE.
SHE DIDN'T USE ANY
LANGUAGE AT ALL.
SHE JUST GAVE ME A RIGHT EARFUL.
OH, IT'S INTOLERABLE.
IT'S ONLY HALF AN HOUR
BEFORE WE HAVE TO GO BACK.
YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE
COUNTRY'S FALLING APART.
WHEN I WAS A BOY,
YOU LOOKED AT AN ATLAS
THERE WAS RED EVERYWHERE.
THAT WAS THE BRITISH EMPIRE.
IT'S STILL RED EVERYWHERE, ONLY
NOW IT MEANS WE OWE MONEY THERE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT
THESE... PLASTIC.
WHEN I FIRST CAME HERE,
WE HAD TABLECLOTHS
AND REAL E.P.N.S.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THAT.
THAT'S MODERN SCIENCE FOR YOU.
THESE SCIENTISTS ARE
MAKING TERRIBLE MISTAKES.
I READ SOMEWHERE
WHERE THEY'VE DEVELOPED
A VERY LARGE CLOVER
FOR ANIMALS TO EAT.
NOW THEY FIND OUT
THAT THEY'RE SO BIG
THE BEES CAN'T POLLINATE THEM
'CAUSE THEIR NOSES
AREN'T LONG ENOUGH.
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO?
THEY'RE GOING TO BREED
BEES WITH LONGER NOSES.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY
DID IT WITH THEIR NOSES.
YOU WANT TO WATCH
RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH.
DOES HE DO IT WITH HIS NOSE?
NO, HE'S THE ONE THAT
RUNS ABOUT IN SHORTS
TELLING YOU HOW THE WORLD BEGAN.
APPARENTLY IT ALL
STARTED AS THICK SOUP
WITH LITTLE ORGASMS
CRAWLING ROUND IN IT.
ORGANISMS.
OH, WELL, LITTLE CREEPY
THINGS CRAWLING IN IT.
IN THAT CASE, WHEN I WAS
IN THE KITCHEN JUST NOW,
IT'S ALL STARTED ALL OVER AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, IT'S AMAZING TO THINK
THAT OUT OF ALL THAT SOUP
CAME ALL THE FLOWERS
AND PLANTS AND ANIMALS.
AND AFTER MILLIONS OF YEARS
A SORT OF MAN DEVELOPED.
YEAH, AND ALL OF THEM
ARE DIFFERENT TYPES.
YES INDEED. SOME OF THEM
LIVE IN DETACHED HOUSES
AND SOME OF THEM
IN SEMI-DETACHED.
WELL, AS A SUPERIOR
DETACHED INDIVIDUAL,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO AND
HAVE A WORD ABOUT OUR GRUB?
THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
THERE'S A FAR SIMPLER WAY
TO GET IN TOUCH WITH
THOSE WHOSE EVOLUTION
IS NOT ADVANCED ENOUGH TO
ENABLE THEM TO COMMUNICATE
ON AN INTELLECTUAL LEVEL.
WHAT'S THAT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
ONE WE USED TO USE IN THE ARMY.
♪ WHY ARE WE WAITING? ♪
All: ♪ WHY ARE WE WAITING? ♪
♪ WHY ARE WE WAITING? ♪
♪ WHY, WHY, WHY? ♪
♪ WHY ARE WE WAITING? ♪
♪ WHY ARE WE WAITING? ♪
♪ OH COME LET US ADORE HER ♪
♪ OH COME LET US ADORE HER. ♪
SO YOU'RE THE
RINGLEADER, ARE YOU?
ME, THE RINGLEADER?
NEVER ON YOUR LIFE, DARLING.
I WAS JUST EXPRESSING
A CONCERTED OPINION.
DOES ONE OF YOU
WISH TO COMPLAIN THEN?
WE ALL DO.
RIGHT, WHAT'S IT ALL
ABOUT? LET'S HAVE IT.
WE'VE BEEN SAT SITTING
HERE FOR HALF AN HOUR
AND NOTHING'S
ARRIVED... EXCEPT YOU.
RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA TO GO OUT
THERE IN THE KITCHEN
AND I'M GONNA TELL EVERYONE
TO MAKE YOURS A SPECIAL ORDER.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- LAST!
I HEAR ONE MORE WORD, YOU
WON'T GET ANYTHING AT ALL.
IN THAT CASE, WE SHALL
COMPLAIN TO HIGHER AUTHORITY.
I COULDN'T GIVE A MONKEY'S
WHO YOU COMPLAIN TO.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, YOU CAN
COME DOWN HERE AND RUN IT YOURSELF.
IF YOU DON'T MIND MY SAYING SO,
THEY COULDN'T MAKE A
BIGGER COCK-UP OF IT.
IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR YOU SITTING
OUT HERE LIKE A WRINKLED OLD PRUNE.
I'M TWO SHORT IN THERE AND
I'VE GOT A POISONED FINGER.
CANCEL MY TOAD-IN-THE-HOLE.
I TAKE GREAT EXCEPTION
TO YOU CALLING A SENIOR
SALESMAN LIKE MR. GOLDBERG
A WRINKLED PRUNE.
YOUR WHOLE MANNER IS OFFENSIVE,
YOUR APPEARANCE IS UNHYGIENIC
AND YOUR EMOTIONAL OUTBURST SUGGESTS
THAT YOUR MENTAL BALANCE IS DISTURBED.
- YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR.
- YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SHOULD
SEE THE DOCTOR.
I HAVE NO REASON
TO SEE A DOCTOR.
- IN THAT CASE,
I'LL GIVE YOU ONE.
- OHH!
COW.
IF I'D HAD MY DINNER THERE,
I'D HAVE THROWN IT IN HER FACE.
LUNCH.
HE WAS SO ANGRY HE
FORGOT HE WAS DETACHED.
LET ME SEE THAT
I'VE GOT THIS RIGHT.
MRS. SLOCOMBE WAS SAT SITTING,
THE CANTEEN MANAGERESS CAME IN
AND MR. GOLDBERG COMPLAINED BECAUSE
SHE'D SERVED HIM POISONED PRUNES.
NOT QUITE RIGHT, SIR.
WE ALL COMPLAINED BECAUSE
WE HADN'T BEEN SERVED AT ALL.
WHERE DID THE PRUNES COME IN?
THEY DIDN'T. YOU
HAVEN'T BEEN LISTENING.
THAT WOMAN WAS VERY OBSTROPULUS
WITH MR. GOLDBERG
AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
SHE SAID HE HAD A FACE
LIKE A WRINKLED PRUNE.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK HAD A
FACE LIKE A WRINKLED PRUNE?
NO, MR. GOLDBERG HAD
A FACE LIKE A PRUNE.
YES, I SUPPOSE HE HAS,
BUT I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.
NO, NO. MR. GOLDBERG
DIDN'T LIKE IT AT ALL.
IN FACT, HE WAS VERY UPSET.
THEN WHY DID HE ORDER THEM?
- ORDER WHAT?
- PRUNES!
HE DIDN'T ORDER THEM.
IN THAT CASE, HE CAN HARDLY
COMPLAIN IF THEY DIDN'T ARRIVE.
EXCUSE ME. I DON'T WANT
TO GET INVOLVED IN THIS,
BUT WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER
IF YOU CROSSED ALL THAT OUT
AND GOT ON TO THE NEXT BIT?
WELL, THAT'S UP TO YOU.
I SEE YOU HAVE A COMPLAINT
ABOUT THE SPAGHETTI.
NOW, DID THE SPAGHETTI
ARRIVE BADLY COOKED?
I REALLY COULDN'T TELL YOU.
ALL I KNOW WAS IT BURNT MY EAR.
I'VE HEARD OF TESTING THE
BABY'S BATHWATER WITH THE ELBOW,
BUT THAT DOES SEEM A VERY
STRANGE WAY OF TESTING SPAGHETTI.
I WASN'T TESTING IT. I WAS JUST
COMPLAINING BECAUSE IT WAS SO LONG.
LONG SPAGHETTI.
I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT
YOU COULD HAVE CUT IT.
NO, THAT REALLY IS A
VERY TRIVIAL COMPLAINT.
I CERTAINLY CAN'T TAKE
THAT UP ON YOUR BEHALF.
PERHAPS WE MIGHT GET
SOMEWHERE IF CAPTAIN PEACOCK
TOLD MR. RUMBOLD ABOUT HIS TOE.
THAT SHOULD COOK HER GOOSE.
YOU'LL REGRET SAYING THAT.
WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT A TOE?
AH, WELL, THAT HAPPENED JUST AFTER
I'D CANCELED MY TOAD-IN-THE-HOLE.
THIS WOMAN AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK
HAD A HEATED EXCHANGE
AND SHE STAMPED ON IT.
AND WE WAS ALL WITNESSES.
NOW, THAT I HAVE
GOT VERY CLEARLY.
AND YOU CERTAINLY HAVE
CAUSE FOR COMPLAINT.
THE CANTEEN MANAGERESS
HAD NO RIGHT WHATEVER
TO STAMP ON MR. HUMPHRIES'
TOAD-IN-THE-HOLE.
YES, THAT JUST LEAVES ONE
THING FURTHER TO CLEAR UP.
WHAT IS THAT, MR. RUMBOLD?
- WELL, THE COOKED GOOSE.
- TOLD YOU.
- ( knocking )
- ENTER.
EXCUSE ME, MR. RUMBOLD. I DON'T
NORMALLY INTERRUPT A MEETING LIKE THIS,
BUT THERE IS AN EMERGENCY.
THERE'S A DEPUTATION TO SEE
YOU FROM THE CANTEEN KITCHEN.
TELL THEM TO MAKE
AN APPOINTMENT.
YES, MR. RUMBOLD JUST
CAN'T SEE ANYBODY NILLY-WILLY.
I SHOULDN'T TELL THEM
TO GO AWAY IF I WAS YOU.
THEY'RE IN A VERY,
VERY AGITATED MOOD.
AND THE "I-TAI" CHEF'S LIVID.
SOMEBODY'S CRITICIZED
HIS TOAD-IN-THE-HOLE
AND HE'S WAVING
HIS CHOPPER ABOUT.
OH, WELL, SHOW THEM IN, HARMAN.
KINDLY STEP THIS WAY, BROTHERS.
THAT'S MABEL, VEGETABLES;
FLEUR... ( sniffs ) FISH;
YOUNG HENRY, TRAINEE DOGSBODY;
SIGNOR BAROLI, MASTER CHEF;
AND MRS. YARDWICK, MANAGERESS.
- THANK YOU, HARMAN.
- ALL RIGHT, VERY GOOD, SIR.
RIGHT, LET'S HAVE IT OUT.
I'M FED UP WITH THIS LOT.
I'VE HAD IT UP TO
HERE WITH THEM.
THE CHEF MUST BE DROWNING IN IT.
- QUIET, LUCAS.
- THAT'S TYPICAL OF HIM.
ALL LIP AND, "LET'S HAVE A
LOOK AT YOUR KNOCKERS."
THAT SNOOTY ONE'S ALL
MOUTH AND TROUSERS.
AND AS FOR HER, SHE'S
JUST DEAD COMMON.
OH, HOW DARE YOU?
GO ON, TELL HER... YOU
LIVE IN A DETACHED HOUSE.
YOU SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLE, YOU.
- YOU ARE COMMON.
- NOT AS COMMON AS
WHAT YOU ARE.
MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID,
"COMMON IS AS COMMON DOES."
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT
SHE ALWAYS SAYS IT
WHEN MY DAD BLOWS HIS
NOSE ON THE TABLECLOTH.
LOOK, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
ARGY-BARGY AMONG OURSELVES
IN FRONT OF THESE COOKS
AND BOTTLE-WASHERS.
YOU'RE A POMPOUS OLD
SNOB. AND AS FOR HER,
SHE LOOKS AS THOUGH SHE GOT A
PERMANENT SMELL UNDER HER NOSE.
AND THE NEARER YOU
ARE, THE STRONGER IT GETS.
BROTHER, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
TEMPERS ARE FRAYED AND
FEELINGS ARE RUNNING HIGH.
I THINK WE SHOULD ALL CALM DOWN.
AH, SHUT UP, JUG EARS.
HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO
SENIOR MANAGEMENT LIKE THAT?
I DON'T' HAVE TO
SPEAK TO YOU AT ALL.
I SHALL GO TO MR. GRACE AND
GET A PERSONAL WRITTEN APOLOGY.
ANDIAMO.
EH, RISSOLES.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
THAT'S THE SORT OF ATTITUDE WE
HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THE TIME.
I'M GLAD IT'S ALL COME OUT.
AS MY MOTHER USED TO
SAY, "BETTER OUT THAN IN."
MY MOTHER USED TO SAY THAT,
BUT I DIDN'T LIKE TO MENTION IT.
I HOPE YOU GOT A VERBATIM
REPORT OF EVERYTHING SHE SAID.
NO, NO, BUT I SHALL
MAKE A NOTE OF IT NOW.
- SHE CALLED YOU JUG EARS.
- YES, I REMEMBER THAT.
AND SHE SAID CAPTAIN PEACOCK WAS
SNOOTY AND ALL MOUTH AND TROUSERS.
MR. LUCAS, LET IT BE
RECORDED, WAS IN HER OPINION,
"ALL LIP AND, 'LET'S HAVE A
LOOK AT YOUR KNOCKERS.'"
IS THAT SPELT WITH A "K?
I DON'T KNOW. I'VE NEVER
SEEN 'EM WRITTEN DOWN.
'ERE, SHE SAID I
WAS DEAD COMMON.
YES, WELL, WE WON'T
MAKE TOO MUCH OF THAT.
AND SHE SAID I WALKED ABOUT
WITH A SMELL UNDER MY NOSE.
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHERE
SHE GOT THAT IDEA FROM.
WHAT DID SHE SAY ABOUT
YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES?
NOTHING. I CAME OUT OF
IT COMPLETELY UNSCATHED.
- WHICH IS UNUSUAL FOR YOU,
ISN'T IT, MR. HUMPHRIES?
- IT IS, MR. LUCAS.
YOU USUALLY HAVE A SCATHE
SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE, DON'T YOU?
I'M A MARTYR TO THEM, MR. LUCAS.
SPEAKING FOR MYSELF,
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THIS,
I THINK WE OUGHT TO GET
RID OF THE LOT OF THEM
AND GET SOME DECENT STAFF IN.
YEAH, WE COULD RUN THAT CANTEEN
BETTER THAN WHAT THEY DOES.
DO, MISS BRAHMS.
WE COULD RUN THE CANTEEN
BETTER THAN WHAT THEY DOES DO.
THAT DON'T SOUND RIGHT, DO IT?
IT CERTAINLY DON'T, MISS BRAHMS.
- ( phone ringing )
- RUMBOLD HERE.
OH HELLO, RUMBOLD.
THAT NICE MANAGERESS
FROM THE CANTEEN
HAS BEEN TO SEE ME.
APPARENTLY THERE HAVE BEEN A
LOT OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR LOT.
SHE WANTS A WRITTEN APOLOGY.
I INTEND TO TAKE A VERY
FIRM STAND ON THIS, SIR.
SHE WAS VERY AGGRESSIVE INDEED,
AND MY DEPARTMENT FEEL THAT THE
WHOLE CANTEEN STAFF IS INCOMPETENT.
IN FACT, THEY FEEL THEY COULD DO A
DAMN SIGHT BETTER JOB THEMSELVES.
- All: HEAR, HEAR.
- IN THAT CASE, THEY CAN
START TOMORROW MORNING.
THE CANTEEN STAFF'S THROWN IN
THEIR OVERALLS AND WALKED OUT.
WHAT SHALL I DO, SIR?
WELL, YOU'D BETTER
SORT IT OUT, JUG EARS.
OF COURSE, MISS BRAHMS, IF
YOU HADN'T OPENED YOUR MOUTH,
WE'D ALL BE ON OUR
WAY HOME BY NOW.
WELL, WE SAID WE COULD DO IT
SO IT'S UP TO US TO ACQUAINT
OURSELVES WITH THE KITCHEN
AND MAKE A PLAN OF BATTLE
BEFORE WE SERVE LUNCH TOMORROW.
OH!
JUST LOOK AT IT. THERE'S
MUCK EVERYWHERE.
IF MY MOTHER SAW
THIS, SHE'D HAVE A FIT.
TO THINK WE'VE BEEN EATING THE FOOD
WHAT THEY'VE BEEN COOKING IN HERE.
IT'S LIKE THE MARIE CELESTE.
THEY'VE EVEN LEFT
SOMETHING ON THE STOVE.
THAT'S MY TOAD-IN-THE-HOLE.
WELL, LET'S NOT BE
DAUNTED BY THE PROSPECT.
AS THE CHIEF INSTRUCTOR
ON MY ROYAL ARMY SERVICE CORPS
CATERING COURSE USED TO SAY,
"COOKING REQUIRES
VERY LITTLE INTELLIGENCE,
OTHERWISE WOMEN
WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO IT."
OH, IF THAT'S THE WAY
IT'S GOING TO BE, I'M GOING.
COME ON, MISS BRAHMS.
Peacock: PRESENT COMPANY
EXCEPTED, OF COURSE.
WE'VE ALL HEARD ABOUT
YOUR CULINARY EXPERTISE.
AND NATURALLY I SHALL EXPECT
YOU TO BE MY CHIEF ASSISTANT.
OH, YOU'VE ELECTED
YOURSELF BOSS THEN?
SOMEBODY HAS TO GET THINGS
ORGANIZED, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
NOW THEN, WHICH OF US CAN CLAIM
SOME COOKING EXPERIENCE? LUCAS?
I BOIL A NIFTY TIN
OF BAKED BEANS.
I SEE.
LUCAS, PREPARATION,
SERVING AND WASHING UP.
MISS BRAHMS?
OH, SHE'S HAD A LOT OF
EXPERIENCE IN THE KITCHEN,
ONLY VERY LITTLE OF
IT TO DO WITH COOKING.
LET US BE SERIOUS, MR. LUCAS.
ACTUALLY, MY MUM
DOES MOST OF IT.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN?
I GET A BIT OF GARLIC SAUSAGE
AND I FRY IT UP WITH SOME
ONIONS AND BUBBLE AND SQUEAK.
NO WONDER YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
I CAN DO "AZOUKI MUZAKI."
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S SORT OF EGGY-MEATY
THING ON A STICK.
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DO THAT?
I HAD THIS GREEK BOYFRIEND
AND HE FANCIED A LOCAL DISH.
I SAID SHE HAD A LOT OF
EXPERIENCE IN THE KITCHEN.
YOU'VE GOT A ONE-TRACK
MIND. YOU HAVE A DIRT TRACK.
I ONCE MADE SOME TOFFEE.
BUT WE HAD TO
THROW AWAY THE TIN.
IT COST £37.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A
VERY EXPENSIVE TIN.
YEAH, MY TEETH WERE IN IT.
YOU KNOW, I'VE HELPED
MY MOTHER IN THE KITCHEN
EVER SINCE I WAS TALL ENOUGH TO
SEE OVER THE EDGE OF THE TABLE.
WHEN SHE WAS MAKING BREAD,
SHE USED TO GIVE ME BITS OF
DOUGH TO PLAY WITH, YOU KNOW?
AND I USED TO MAKE BREAD MEN AND
PUT CURRANTS IN FOR EYES AND BUTTONS.
ONE DAY I PUT A BIT OF CANDIED
PEEL WHERE I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE
AND I COULDN'T GO IN THE
KITCHEN FOR A FORTNIGHT.
MR. HUMPHRIES, WE DON'T OFTEN
HAVE BREAD MEN ON THE MENU.
IS THERE ANYTHING
ELSE YOU CAN DO?
LET ME TRY AND GIVE YOU
ONE OF MY TYPICAL MENUS.
OYSTERS ROCKEFELLER,
QUAILS IN ASPIC,
DEVILLED LOBSTER WITH MANGE-TOUT
FOLLOWED BY BAKED
ALASKA AND MARRONS GLACÉS.
OF COURSE, IF WE'VE GOT VISITORS
COMING I DO SOMETHING SPECIAL.
THIS IS A CANTEEN,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
NOT A TRADE UNION DINNER.
HOW ABOUT YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
WELL, I JUST DO SIMPLE
COOKING TO MY OWN TASTE,
BUT YOU'LL NEVER SEE A
DIRTY PLATE IN MY KITCHEN.
AND IF THERE ARE ANY LEFTOVERS
MY PUSSY GOBBLES
THEM UP IN A FLASH.
I VOTE THAT MRS.
SLOCOMBE IS THE CHEF.
All: HEAR, HEAR.
LET US AGREE THEN THAT
MRS. SLOCOMBE IS HEAD COOK.
BUT WE'LL ALL HAVE
TO PULL TOGETHER
TO GET THE MEAL
PREPARED AND SERVED.
RIGHT, BEFORE WE MUCK
IN, WE BETTER MUCK OUT.
COME ON, LET'S GET
THIS WASHING UP DONE.
I'LL WASH, YOU WIPE.
- CAN I HAVE
THAT OTHER RUBBER GLOVE?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I'VE GOT TO PUT
MY HANDS IN WATER.
I DON'T WANT WASHDAY-RED HANDS.
WHAT ABOUT ME? I'VE GOT
TO HANDLE THE WET PLATES.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, COULD WE
HAVE A RULING ON THIS, PLEASE?
YES, WELL,
MR. HUMPHRIES WILL
DIP WITH HIS RIGHT HAND,
ON WHICH WILL BE
THE RIGHT GLOVE.
HE WILL USE THE DISH
MOP WITH HIS LEFT HAND
WHICH WILL NOT GO IN THE WATER.
HE WILL THEN PASS THE
PLATE TO MRS. SLOCOMBE
WHO WILL RECEIVE IT WITH
HER LEFT GLOVED HAND.
SHE WILL WIPE IT WITH THE
TEACLOTH IN HER RIGHT HAND
AND PASS IT TO MR. GOLDBERG
WHO WILL STACK IT...
WITH BOTH HANDS.
WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT
YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
NOW, WHILE WE'RE WORKING,
CAN BE DISCUSS POSSIBLE MENUS?
WHO'S GOT AN IDEA FOR A STARTER?
WELL, WHY DON'T WE HAVE
GRAPEFRUIT LIKE WE USUALLY DO?
IF WE OPEN THE TINS NOW AND
LEAVE THEM LYING AROUND ALL NIGHT,
WE CAN HAVE FLIES ON
THEM LIKE WE USUALLY DO.
I THINK THAT SINCE
WE'VE COMPLAINED,
WE OUGHT TO DO
SOMETHING QUITE DIFFERENT.
YES, HOW ABOUT SOUP?
OH, MY MOTHER MAKES
MARVELOUS SOUP.
SHE USES ALL THE LEFTOVERS.
SHE EMPTIES THE
FRIDGE INTO A BIG POT
THEN PUTS IT IN THE
OVEN ON REGULO 3.
THE MORNING AFTER, SHE
DRAINS IT AND SIEVES IT
AND STRAINS IT AND
WHATNOT, YOU SEE?
DO YOU KNOW, THE OTHER DAY
SHE FOUND HER DEAF AID IN IT.
- DID IT STILL WORK?
- NO, BUT THE SOUP DID.
I DON'T THINK SOUP
IS VERY INVENTIVE.
WHY DON'T WE TAKE
ALL THE BITS AND PIECES
WE WOULD HAVE PUT IN THE SOUP,
PUT IT IN THE MINCER
AND CALL IT PATÉ?
WHY DIDN'T YOU SUGGEST
THAT A BIT EARLIER?
ALL THE BITS AND PIECES
HAVE GONE IN THE PIG BIN.
NOT ALL OF THEM. THAT LOT'S
JUST GONE ON THE FLOOR.
DO BE CAREFUL, MISS BRAHMS.
I'M NOT INSURED FOR
TRIPPING OVER GRISTLE.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
LEND US YOUR GLOVE.
I'M NOT TOUCHING THIS
WITH ME BARE HANDS.
STOP THE PRODUCTION
LINE. I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
( screams )
WAS IT A MOUSE, MR. HUMPHRIES?
DON'T BE SILLY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
ONLY WOMEN ARE FRIGHTENED OF MICE.
- WHAT WAS IT?
- A FROG.
WHAT'S A FROG DOING DOWN THERE?
PERHAPS SOME FAIRY PRINCE
WAS RUDE TO A GYPSY VIOLINIST.
HOW DO I KNOW?
I'LL FIX IT UP.
GET OUT OF THE
WAY. I'LL GET RID OF IT.
DON'T, DON'T! THAT'S CRUEL.
THAT'S A LIVING, THINKING THING.
POSSIBLY OF ROYAL BLOOD.
SOMEBODY PUT IT IN
HERE AND GET RID OF IT.
NO, NO, NO, NO. NO
NEED TO USE THAT.
I'M USED TO HANDLING FROGS.
I WAS ALWAYS RESCUING
THEM FROM THE GOLDFISH POND.
HEY, WAIT.
HEY, PSST, HELLO.
HEY, HELLO. DON'T BE FRIGHTENED.
( mimicking frog )
( frog croaking )
BLIMEY, THEY'RE HAVING A CHAT.
- ( mimicking frog )
- ( frog croaking )
- ( all gasp )
- HE MUST'VE SAID
THE WRONG THING.
IT'S JUST JUMPED THROUGH
THAT HOLE IN THE SKIRTING BOARD.
BUNG IT UP WITH THIS DISHCLOTH,
THEN HE CAN'T GET OUT AGAIN.
DON'T DO THAT. IT'LL
STARVE TO DEATH.
WE CAN UNBUNG IT
BEFORE WE GO HOME.
WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS, HOW DID
IT GET UP HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
IT PROBABLY CAME UP WITH
THE WATERCRESS AS A TADPOLE.
WELL,
AS WE HAVEN'T HAD MUCH
SUCCESS WITH THE FIRST COURSE,
CAN WE ATTEMPT TO
DECIDE ON THE MAIN DISHES?
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT OVERTAXING
YOURSELF LICKING YOUR PENCIL?
JUST GET ON WITH
YOUR WORK, MR. LUCAS.
THEY USED TO MAKE A
VERY GOOD STEAK PIE.
MAYBE THE RECIPE'S
STILL HERE SOMEWHERE.
OH YES... IT'S NO GOOD PRODUCING
THE SAME DISHES THAT WE'VE
BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT.
WE'VE GOT TO COME UP WITH
SOMETHING QUITE DIFFERENT.
SOMETHING, WELL,
FRENCH FOR INSTANCE.
IF YOU'D LET ME HAVE
MY WAY WITH THAT BROOM,
WE COULD HAVE HAD
FROG'S LEGS, COULDN'T WE?
IT'S ALL VERY WELL TALKING ABOUT
WHAT WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THEM.
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT'S IN THE LARDER YET.
THAT POINT HAD JUST CROSSED
MY MIND, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
YEAH, JUST AFTER
MRS. SLOCOMBE SAID IT.
RIGHT, THERE'S ONE WHOLE
PIG, ONE WHOLE SHEEP
AND ONE HOLE IN THE WALL
WITH A FROG LOOKING THROUGH IT.
NOW THEN, YOU CAN
EITHER HAVE MARRONS GLACÉ
OR CREPES SUZETTE.
I'LL HAVE BOTH.
DO YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE BEST CURRY
I'VE HAD SINCE I WAS AT WOLVERHAMPTON.
AND THAT SHISH KEBAB WAS JUST
LIKE YOU GET IN A GREEK RESTAURANT.
- CAN I HAVE THE RECIPE?
- WELL...
IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF
KNOWING HOW TO DO IT.
COFFEE TO FOLLOW, MR. HARMAN?
IF I MAY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
IT'S THE BEST FOOD WE'VE
EVER HAD AT GRACE BROTHERS.
I AGREE. WELL DONE.
THE BEST CURRY I'VE HAD
SINCE I WAS IN WOLVERHAMPTON.
THANK YOU.
- TABLE FOUR. KEEP THE CHANGE.
- THANK YOU.
THREE SHISHES AND TWO TANDOORI!
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOUR
SHISHES. THERE'S BEEN A RUSH ON THEM.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I'M
DOWN TO MY LAST SHISH.
MORE SHISHES, MR. LUCAS.
I'M SHISHING AS FAST AS I CAN.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF SKEWERS.
I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU YOUR
TANDOORI UNTIL YOU'VE GOT YOUR SHISHES,
OTHERWISE YOUR
TANDOORI WILL GET TEPID.
RIGHT, WELL, CAN I HAVE A MERINGUE
AND A CREPE ON THE SAME PLATE?
OH, I BET THAT'S FOR
THEM ANIMALS IN PACKING.
MR. GRACE HAS TAKEN HIS PLACE
IN THE EXECUTIVE DINING ROOM
AND WOULD LIKE THE SOUP DU JOUR.
THERE'S BEEN A RUSH ON THAT.
I HAVE TO SEE THE MANAGER.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ARE YOU FREE?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- COULD YOU SQUEEZE ME
ANOTHER MOCK TURTLE?
- I'M HAVING
A CRISIS WITH THE SHISHES.
- IT'S FOR YOUNG MR. GRACE.
ONE TURTLE SOUP COMING UP.
PLEASE DROP EVERYTHING ELSE
AND TAKE THE SOUP TO
THE EXECUTIVE DINING ROOM.
YES, MR. RUMBOLD.
AND CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU
ALL. EVERYONE'S MOST IMPRESSED.
WHAT'S HE HAVING AFTER THE SOUP?
WE'LL BOTH HAVE THE SHISH KEBAB.
AH, THAT'S IF MR. LUCAS
FOUND SOME MORE SKEWERS,
OTHERWISE YOU'LL HAVE
TO HAVE IT IN A LUMP.
MR. LUCAS, HAVE YOU FOUND
ANYMORE MEAT SKEWERS?
I'M JUST CONVERTING
YOUR COAT HANGER.
- WHAT ABOUT MY SHEEPSKIN COAT?
- DON'T WORRY, IT'S
VERY MUCH AT HOME.
IT'S HANGING ON THE
SHEEP IN THE LARDER.
BY THE TIME THE DOCTOR CAME,
I WAS COVERED IN BANDAGES
FROM HEAD TO TOE WITH
ONLY ONE EYE SHOWING.
OH DEAR, WHATEVER
DID THE DOCTOR SAY?
HE SAID, "I DON'T LIKE
THE LOOK OF THAT EYE."
- OH, MR. GRACE. (
giggles ) - MR. GRACE.
NOW, HERE'S YOUR
SOUP, MR. GRACE.
REAL TURTLE.
OH WELL, GOOD, I LIKE
SOMETHING WITH A BIT OF BODY IN IT.
ON SECOND THOUGHTS, I
DON'T THINK IT'S VERY HOT.
I'LL TAKE IT TO THE
KITCHEN AND WARM IT UP.
NO, NO, I DON'T LIKE IT TOO HOT.
IT TAKES IT OUT OF ME
IF I HAVE TO BLOW ON IT.
YOU CAN TASTE THE TURTLE IN IT.
OR SOMETHING.
WELL, I'LL LEAVE YOU TO IT THEN.
OH, MR. GRACE, THE
BOWL IS VERY FULL.
DON'T DRINK ALL OF IT OR YOU WON'T
HAVE ROOM FOR WHAT'S TO COME.
I'M ENJOYING IT.
( croaking )
WHAT DID HE SAY HE WAS
GOING TO HAVE AFTER THE SOUP?
EITHER A STOMACH
PUMP OR AN AMBULANCE.
THERE'S YOUR CREPE
AND YOUR MERINGUE.
AND THERE'S YOUR SHISHES. THEY'VE
ALL SHRIVELED. YOU WERE TOO LONG.
( soft music playing )
I REALLY ENJOYED THAT.
- ( coughing )
- YOU ALL RIGHT, MR. GRACE?
SORRY ABOUT THAT. I'VE
GOT A FROG IN MY THROAT.
WELL, I'M STILL GLOWING
FROM THE COMPLIMENTS.
THEY SAID IT WAS THE BEST
LUNCH THEY'VE EVER HAD.
WE SAID WE COULD DO BETTER
THAN THE OTHERS, AND WE DID.
HOW MUCH DID ME TAKE?
UM, £98.
AH, AND WHAT WERE THE OUTGOINGS?
UH, CHINESE TAKE AWAY 15 QUID.
INDIAN TAKE AWAY £32.50.
GREEK TAKE AWAY £59.25.
WHICH MAKES A NET LOSS OF...
£8... 45p.
THANK YOU, MR. GOLDBERG.
8.45? IF WE KEEP
THAT UP EVERY DAY,
WE'LL BE BROKE IN A WEEK.
WELL, WE COULD RAISE THE PRICES.
WELL THAT WOULDN'T DO
MUCH TO HELP MY FEET.
NO, OR MY WASHDAY-RED HANDS.
THE STAFF WON'T COME BACK
UNLESS THEY GET A WRITTEN APOLOGY.
IN TIMES OF CRISIS,
THE BRITISH HAVE ALWAYS
STOOD FIRM BY THEIR IDEALS.
ON THE OTHER
HAND, WE AS A NATION
COULDN'T HAVE GOT
WHERE WE ARE TODAY
WITHOUT KNOWING
HOW TO COMPROMISE.
I QUITE AGREE. GATHER
ROUND EVERYBODY.
NOW THEN, HOW DOES THIS SOUND?
"WE, THE UNDERSIGNED...
OH, VERY GOOD.
HUMBLY APOLOGIZE
TO THE CANTEEN STAFF
OF GRACE BROTHERS
FOR COMPLAINING ABOUT THE FOOD,
THE SERVICE, THE HYGIENE..."
( cash register rings ) "AND
THAT COW OF A MANAGERESS."
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP. ♪
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
HOW MUCH LONGER ARE WE
GOING TO BE WITHOUT FOOD?
IF WE HADN'T MADE SUCH A FUSS
ABOUT HAVING WAITRESS SERVICE
WE COULD HAVE QUEUED UP,
GOT IT AND EATEN IT BY NOW.
WHEN YOU ARE ON YOUR FEET
ALL DAY THE LEAST YOU CAN EXPECT
IS TO SIT DOWN AND
REST AT LUNCHTIME
AND HAVE YOUR FOOD SERVED
TO YOU LIKE CIVILIZED PEOPLE.
MY STOMACH IS BUBBLING
LIKE AN ATOMIC POWER STATION.
FROM WHERE I'M SITTING,
THERE'S A LOT OF FALLOUT.
WE'VE ONLY GOT HALF AN
HOUR LEFT TO HAVE OUR DINNER.
- LUNCH.
- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN THE EVENING?
SUPPER.
ONLY THE WORKING CLASS
HAVE DINNER AND SUPPER.
PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE LIKE
OURSELVES HAVE LUNCH AND DINNER.
NOW LOOK, I'M NOT WORKING
CLASS. I LIVE IN A DETACHED HOUSE.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
I LIVE IN A FLAT,
BUT THAT DOESN'T GO TO SAY THAT
I DON'T LEAD A VERY REFINED LIFE.
AND IN MY LITTLE
NEST, WE HAVE SUPPER.
COURSE CAPTAIN PEACOCK
WEARS A DINNER JACKET, YOU KNOW.
LADY PEACOCK SAILS DOWN
THE STAIRS IN HER TIARA.
"FANCY A SHERRY BEFORE WE HAVE
THE BAKED BEANS ON TOAST?" HE SAYS.
"NO, I THINK I'LL WAIT AND
HAVE MINE WITH THE COCOA."
DON'T BE FACETIOUS, MR. LUCAS.
RIGHT, I HAD A WORD WITH
THAT CANTEEN MANAGERESS.
I PUT ON MY BEST SMILE.
I SAID, "IS THERE ANY
CHANCE OF MY SPAGHETTI
ARRIVING DURING THE REIGN
OF THE CURRENT MONARCH?"
SHE GAVE ME A RIGHT EARFUL.
I HOPE SHE DIDN'T
USE BAD LANGUAGE.
SHE DIDN'T USE ANY
LANGUAGE AT ALL.
SHE JUST GAVE ME A RIGHT EARFUL.
OH, IT'S INTOLERABLE.
IT'S ONLY HALF AN HOUR
BEFORE WE HAVE TO GO BACK.
YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE
COUNTRY'S FALLING APART.
WHEN I WAS A BOY,
YOU LOOKED AT AN ATLAS
THERE WAS RED EVERYWHERE.
THAT WAS THE BRITISH EMPIRE.
IT'S STILL RED EVERYWHERE, ONLY
NOW IT MEANS WE OWE MONEY THERE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT
THESE... PLASTIC.
WHEN I FIRST CAME HERE,
WE HAD TABLECLOTHS
AND REAL E.P.N.S.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THAT.
THAT'S MODERN SCIENCE FOR YOU.
THESE SCIENTISTS ARE
MAKING TERRIBLE MISTAKES.
I READ SOMEWHERE
WHERE THEY'VE DEVELOPED
A VERY LARGE CLOVER
FOR ANIMALS TO EAT.
NOW THEY FIND OUT
THAT THEY'RE SO BIG
THE BEES CAN'T POLLINATE THEM
'CAUSE THEIR NOSES
AREN'T LONG ENOUGH.
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO?
THEY'RE GOING TO BREED
BEES WITH LONGER NOSES.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY
DID IT WITH THEIR NOSES.
YOU WANT TO WATCH
RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH.
DOES HE DO IT WITH HIS NOSE?
NO, HE'S THE ONE THAT
RUNS ABOUT IN SHORTS
TELLING YOU HOW THE WORLD BEGAN.
APPARENTLY IT ALL
STARTED AS THICK SOUP
WITH LITTLE ORGASMS
CRAWLING ROUND IN IT.
ORGANISMS.
OH, WELL, LITTLE CREEPY
THINGS CRAWLING IN IT.
IN THAT CASE, WHEN I WAS
IN THE KITCHEN JUST NOW,
IT'S ALL STARTED ALL OVER AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, IT'S AMAZING TO THINK
THAT OUT OF ALL THAT SOUP
CAME ALL THE FLOWERS
AND PLANTS AND ANIMALS.
AND AFTER MILLIONS OF YEARS
A SORT OF MAN DEVELOPED.
YEAH, AND ALL OF THEM
ARE DIFFERENT TYPES.
YES INDEED. SOME OF THEM
LIVE IN DETACHED HOUSES
AND SOME OF THEM
IN SEMI-DETACHED.
WELL, AS A SUPERIOR
DETACHED INDIVIDUAL,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO AND
HAVE A WORD ABOUT OUR GRUB?
THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
THERE'S A FAR SIMPLER WAY
TO GET IN TOUCH WITH
THOSE WHOSE EVOLUTION
IS NOT ADVANCED ENOUGH TO
ENABLE THEM TO COMMUNICATE
ON AN INTELLECTUAL LEVEL.
WHAT'S THAT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
ONE WE USED TO USE IN THE ARMY.
♪ WHY ARE WE WAITING? ♪
All: ♪ WHY ARE WE WAITING? ♪
♪ WHY ARE WE WAITING? ♪
♪ WHY, WHY, WHY? ♪
♪ WHY ARE WE WAITING? ♪
♪ WHY ARE WE WAITING? ♪
♪ OH COME LET US ADORE HER ♪
♪ OH COME LET US ADORE HER. ♪
SO YOU'RE THE
RINGLEADER, ARE YOU?
ME, THE RINGLEADER?
NEVER ON YOUR LIFE, DARLING.
I WAS JUST EXPRESSING
A CONCERTED OPINION.
DOES ONE OF YOU
WISH TO COMPLAIN THEN?
WE ALL DO.
RIGHT, WHAT'S IT ALL
ABOUT? LET'S HAVE IT.
WE'VE BEEN SAT SITTING
HERE FOR HALF AN HOUR
AND NOTHING'S
ARRIVED... EXCEPT YOU.
RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA TO GO OUT
THERE IN THE KITCHEN
AND I'M GONNA TELL EVERYONE
TO MAKE YOURS A SPECIAL ORDER.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- LAST!
I HEAR ONE MORE WORD, YOU
WON'T GET ANYTHING AT ALL.
IN THAT CASE, WE SHALL
COMPLAIN TO HIGHER AUTHORITY.
I COULDN'T GIVE A MONKEY'S
WHO YOU COMPLAIN TO.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, YOU CAN
COME DOWN HERE AND RUN IT YOURSELF.
IF YOU DON'T MIND MY SAYING SO,
THEY COULDN'T MAKE A
BIGGER COCK-UP OF IT.
IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR YOU SITTING
OUT HERE LIKE A WRINKLED OLD PRUNE.
I'M TWO SHORT IN THERE AND
I'VE GOT A POISONED FINGER.
CANCEL MY TOAD-IN-THE-HOLE.
I TAKE GREAT EXCEPTION
TO YOU CALLING A SENIOR
SALESMAN LIKE MR. GOLDBERG
A WRINKLED PRUNE.
YOUR WHOLE MANNER IS OFFENSIVE,
YOUR APPEARANCE IS UNHYGIENIC
AND YOUR EMOTIONAL OUTBURST SUGGESTS
THAT YOUR MENTAL BALANCE IS DISTURBED.
- YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR.
- YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SHOULD
SEE THE DOCTOR.
I HAVE NO REASON
TO SEE A DOCTOR.
- IN THAT CASE,
I'LL GIVE YOU ONE.
- OHH!
COW.
IF I'D HAD MY DINNER THERE,
I'D HAVE THROWN IT IN HER FACE.
LUNCH.
HE WAS SO ANGRY HE
FORGOT HE WAS DETACHED.
LET ME SEE THAT
I'VE GOT THIS RIGHT.
MRS. SLOCOMBE WAS SAT SITTING,
THE CANTEEN MANAGERESS CAME IN
AND MR. GOLDBERG COMPLAINED BECAUSE
SHE'D SERVED HIM POISONED PRUNES.
NOT QUITE RIGHT, SIR.
WE ALL COMPLAINED BECAUSE
WE HADN'T BEEN SERVED AT ALL.
WHERE DID THE PRUNES COME IN?
THEY DIDN'T. YOU
HAVEN'T BEEN LISTENING.
THAT WOMAN WAS VERY OBSTROPULUS
WITH MR. GOLDBERG
AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
SHE SAID HE HAD A FACE
LIKE A WRINKLED PRUNE.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK HAD A
FACE LIKE A WRINKLED PRUNE?
NO, MR. GOLDBERG HAD
A FACE LIKE A PRUNE.
YES, I SUPPOSE HE HAS,
BUT I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.
NO, NO. MR. GOLDBERG
DIDN'T LIKE IT AT ALL.
IN FACT, HE WAS VERY UPSET.
THEN WHY DID HE ORDER THEM?
- ORDER WHAT?
- PRUNES!
HE DIDN'T ORDER THEM.
IN THAT CASE, HE CAN HARDLY
COMPLAIN IF THEY DIDN'T ARRIVE.
EXCUSE ME. I DON'T WANT
TO GET INVOLVED IN THIS,
BUT WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER
IF YOU CROSSED ALL THAT OUT
AND GOT ON TO THE NEXT BIT?
WELL, THAT'S UP TO YOU.
I SEE YOU HAVE A COMPLAINT
ABOUT THE SPAGHETTI.
NOW, DID THE SPAGHETTI
ARRIVE BADLY COOKED?
I REALLY COULDN'T TELL YOU.
ALL I KNOW WAS IT BURNT MY EAR.
I'VE HEARD OF TESTING THE
BABY'S BATHWATER WITH THE ELBOW,
BUT THAT DOES SEEM A VERY
STRANGE WAY OF TESTING SPAGHETTI.
I WASN'T TESTING IT. I WAS JUST
COMPLAINING BECAUSE IT WAS SO LONG.
LONG SPAGHETTI.
I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT
YOU COULD HAVE CUT IT.
NO, THAT REALLY IS A
VERY TRIVIAL COMPLAINT.
I CERTAINLY CAN'T TAKE
THAT UP ON YOUR BEHALF.
PERHAPS WE MIGHT GET
SOMEWHERE IF CAPTAIN PEACOCK
TOLD MR. RUMBOLD ABOUT HIS TOE.
THAT SHOULD COOK HER GOOSE.
YOU'LL REGRET SAYING THAT.
WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT A TOE?
AH, WELL, THAT HAPPENED JUST AFTER
I'D CANCELED MY TOAD-IN-THE-HOLE.
THIS WOMAN AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK
HAD A HEATED EXCHANGE
AND SHE STAMPED ON IT.
AND WE WAS ALL WITNESSES.
NOW, THAT I HAVE
GOT VERY CLEARLY.
AND YOU CERTAINLY HAVE
CAUSE FOR COMPLAINT.
THE CANTEEN MANAGERESS
HAD NO RIGHT WHATEVER
TO STAMP ON MR. HUMPHRIES'
TOAD-IN-THE-HOLE.
YES, THAT JUST LEAVES ONE
THING FURTHER TO CLEAR UP.
WHAT IS THAT, MR. RUMBOLD?
- WELL, THE COOKED GOOSE.
- TOLD YOU.
- ( knocking )
- ENTER.
EXCUSE ME, MR. RUMBOLD. I DON'T
NORMALLY INTERRUPT A MEETING LIKE THIS,
BUT THERE IS AN EMERGENCY.
THERE'S A DEPUTATION TO SEE
YOU FROM THE CANTEEN KITCHEN.
TELL THEM TO MAKE
AN APPOINTMENT.
YES, MR. RUMBOLD JUST
CAN'T SEE ANYBODY NILLY-WILLY.
I SHOULDN'T TELL THEM
TO GO AWAY IF I WAS YOU.
THEY'RE IN A VERY,
VERY AGITATED MOOD.
AND THE "I-TAI" CHEF'S LIVID.
SOMEBODY'S CRITICIZED
HIS TOAD-IN-THE-HOLE
AND HE'S WAVING
HIS CHOPPER ABOUT.
OH, WELL, SHOW THEM IN, HARMAN.
KINDLY STEP THIS WAY, BROTHERS.
THAT'S MABEL, VEGETABLES;
FLEUR... ( sniffs ) FISH;
YOUNG HENRY, TRAINEE DOGSBODY;
SIGNOR BAROLI, MASTER CHEF;
AND MRS. YARDWICK, MANAGERESS.
- THANK YOU, HARMAN.
- ALL RIGHT, VERY GOOD, SIR.
RIGHT, LET'S HAVE IT OUT.
I'M FED UP WITH THIS LOT.
I'VE HAD IT UP TO
HERE WITH THEM.
THE CHEF MUST BE DROWNING IN IT.
- QUIET, LUCAS.
- THAT'S TYPICAL OF HIM.
ALL LIP AND, "LET'S HAVE A
LOOK AT YOUR KNOCKERS."
THAT SNOOTY ONE'S ALL
MOUTH AND TROUSERS.
AND AS FOR HER, SHE'S
JUST DEAD COMMON.
OH, HOW DARE YOU?
GO ON, TELL HER... YOU
LIVE IN A DETACHED HOUSE.
YOU SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLE, YOU.
- YOU ARE COMMON.
- NOT AS COMMON AS
WHAT YOU ARE.
MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID,
"COMMON IS AS COMMON DOES."
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT
SHE ALWAYS SAYS IT
WHEN MY DAD BLOWS HIS
NOSE ON THE TABLECLOTH.
LOOK, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
ARGY-BARGY AMONG OURSELVES
IN FRONT OF THESE COOKS
AND BOTTLE-WASHERS.
YOU'RE A POMPOUS OLD
SNOB. AND AS FOR HER,
SHE LOOKS AS THOUGH SHE GOT A
PERMANENT SMELL UNDER HER NOSE.
AND THE NEARER YOU
ARE, THE STRONGER IT GETS.
BROTHER, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
TEMPERS ARE FRAYED AND
FEELINGS ARE RUNNING HIGH.
I THINK WE SHOULD ALL CALM DOWN.
AH, SHUT UP, JUG EARS.
HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO
SENIOR MANAGEMENT LIKE THAT?
I DON'T' HAVE TO
SPEAK TO YOU AT ALL.
I SHALL GO TO MR. GRACE AND
GET A PERSONAL WRITTEN APOLOGY.
ANDIAMO.
EH, RISSOLES.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
THAT'S THE SORT OF ATTITUDE WE
HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THE TIME.
I'M GLAD IT'S ALL COME OUT.
AS MY MOTHER USED TO
SAY, "BETTER OUT THAN IN."
MY MOTHER USED TO SAY THAT,
BUT I DIDN'T LIKE TO MENTION IT.
I HOPE YOU GOT A VERBATIM
REPORT OF EVERYTHING SHE SAID.
NO, NO, BUT I SHALL
MAKE A NOTE OF IT NOW.
- SHE CALLED YOU JUG EARS.
- YES, I REMEMBER THAT.
AND SHE SAID CAPTAIN PEACOCK WAS
SNOOTY AND ALL MOUTH AND TROUSERS.
MR. LUCAS, LET IT BE
RECORDED, WAS IN HER OPINION,
"ALL LIP AND, 'LET'S HAVE A
LOOK AT YOUR KNOCKERS.'"
IS THAT SPELT WITH A "K?
I DON'T KNOW. I'VE NEVER
SEEN 'EM WRITTEN DOWN.
'ERE, SHE SAID I
WAS DEAD COMMON.
YES, WELL, WE WON'T
MAKE TOO MUCH OF THAT.
AND SHE SAID I WALKED ABOUT
WITH A SMELL UNDER MY NOSE.
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHERE
SHE GOT THAT IDEA FROM.
WHAT DID SHE SAY ABOUT
YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES?
NOTHING. I CAME OUT OF
IT COMPLETELY UNSCATHED.
- WHICH IS UNUSUAL FOR YOU,
ISN'T IT, MR. HUMPHRIES?
- IT IS, MR. LUCAS.
YOU USUALLY HAVE A SCATHE
SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE, DON'T YOU?
I'M A MARTYR TO THEM, MR. LUCAS.
SPEAKING FOR MYSELF,
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THIS,
I THINK WE OUGHT TO GET
RID OF THE LOT OF THEM
AND GET SOME DECENT STAFF IN.
YEAH, WE COULD RUN THAT CANTEEN
BETTER THAN WHAT THEY DOES.
DO, MISS BRAHMS.
WE COULD RUN THE CANTEEN
BETTER THAN WHAT THEY DOES DO.
THAT DON'T SOUND RIGHT, DO IT?
IT CERTAINLY DON'T, MISS BRAHMS.
- ( phone ringing )
- RUMBOLD HERE.
OH HELLO, RUMBOLD.
THAT NICE MANAGERESS
FROM THE CANTEEN
HAS BEEN TO SEE ME.
APPARENTLY THERE HAVE BEEN A
LOT OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR LOT.
SHE WANTS A WRITTEN APOLOGY.
I INTEND TO TAKE A VERY
FIRM STAND ON THIS, SIR.
SHE WAS VERY AGGRESSIVE INDEED,
AND MY DEPARTMENT FEEL THAT THE
WHOLE CANTEEN STAFF IS INCOMPETENT.
IN FACT, THEY FEEL THEY COULD DO A
DAMN SIGHT BETTER JOB THEMSELVES.
- All: HEAR, HEAR.
- IN THAT CASE, THEY CAN
START TOMORROW MORNING.
THE CANTEEN STAFF'S THROWN IN
THEIR OVERALLS AND WALKED OUT.
WHAT SHALL I DO, SIR?
WELL, YOU'D BETTER
SORT IT OUT, JUG EARS.
OF COURSE, MISS BRAHMS, IF
YOU HADN'T OPENED YOUR MOUTH,
WE'D ALL BE ON OUR
WAY HOME BY NOW.
WELL, WE SAID WE COULD DO IT
SO IT'S UP TO US TO ACQUAINT
OURSELVES WITH THE KITCHEN
AND MAKE A PLAN OF BATTLE
BEFORE WE SERVE LUNCH TOMORROW.
OH!
JUST LOOK AT IT. THERE'S
MUCK EVERYWHERE.
IF MY MOTHER SAW
THIS, SHE'D HAVE A FIT.
TO THINK WE'VE BEEN EATING THE FOOD
WHAT THEY'VE BEEN COOKING IN HERE.
IT'S LIKE THE MARIE CELESTE.
THEY'VE EVEN LEFT
SOMETHING ON THE STOVE.
THAT'S MY TOAD-IN-THE-HOLE.
WELL, LET'S NOT BE
DAUNTED BY THE PROSPECT.
AS THE CHIEF INSTRUCTOR
ON MY ROYAL ARMY SERVICE CORPS
CATERING COURSE USED TO SAY,
"COOKING REQUIRES
VERY LITTLE INTELLIGENCE,
OTHERWISE WOMEN
WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO IT."
OH, IF THAT'S THE WAY
IT'S GOING TO BE, I'M GOING.
COME ON, MISS BRAHMS.
Peacock: PRESENT COMPANY
EXCEPTED, OF COURSE.
WE'VE ALL HEARD ABOUT
YOUR CULINARY EXPERTISE.
AND NATURALLY I SHALL EXPECT
YOU TO BE MY CHIEF ASSISTANT.
OH, YOU'VE ELECTED
YOURSELF BOSS THEN?
SOMEBODY HAS TO GET THINGS
ORGANIZED, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
NOW THEN, WHICH OF US CAN CLAIM
SOME COOKING EXPERIENCE? LUCAS?
I BOIL A NIFTY TIN
OF BAKED BEANS.
I SEE.
LUCAS, PREPARATION,
SERVING AND WASHING UP.
MISS BRAHMS?
OH, SHE'S HAD A LOT OF
EXPERIENCE IN THE KITCHEN,
ONLY VERY LITTLE OF
IT TO DO WITH COOKING.
LET US BE SERIOUS, MR. LUCAS.
ACTUALLY, MY MUM
DOES MOST OF IT.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN?
I GET A BIT OF GARLIC SAUSAGE
AND I FRY IT UP WITH SOME
ONIONS AND BUBBLE AND SQUEAK.
NO WONDER YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
I CAN DO "AZOUKI MUZAKI."
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S SORT OF EGGY-MEATY
THING ON A STICK.
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DO THAT?
I HAD THIS GREEK BOYFRIEND
AND HE FANCIED A LOCAL DISH.
I SAID SHE HAD A LOT OF
EXPERIENCE IN THE KITCHEN.
YOU'VE GOT A ONE-TRACK
MIND. YOU HAVE A DIRT TRACK.
I ONCE MADE SOME TOFFEE.
BUT WE HAD TO
THROW AWAY THE TIN.
IT COST £37.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A
VERY EXPENSIVE TIN.
YEAH, MY TEETH WERE IN IT.
YOU KNOW, I'VE HELPED
MY MOTHER IN THE KITCHEN
EVER SINCE I WAS TALL ENOUGH TO
SEE OVER THE EDGE OF THE TABLE.
WHEN SHE WAS MAKING BREAD,
SHE USED TO GIVE ME BITS OF
DOUGH TO PLAY WITH, YOU KNOW?
AND I USED TO MAKE BREAD MEN AND
PUT CURRANTS IN FOR EYES AND BUTTONS.
ONE DAY I PUT A BIT OF CANDIED
PEEL WHERE I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE
AND I COULDN'T GO IN THE
KITCHEN FOR A FORTNIGHT.
MR. HUMPHRIES, WE DON'T OFTEN
HAVE BREAD MEN ON THE MENU.
IS THERE ANYTHING
ELSE YOU CAN DO?
LET ME TRY AND GIVE YOU
ONE OF MY TYPICAL MENUS.
OYSTERS ROCKEFELLER,
QUAILS IN ASPIC,
DEVILLED LOBSTER WITH MANGE-TOUT
FOLLOWED BY BAKED
ALASKA AND MARRONS GLACÉS.
OF COURSE, IF WE'VE GOT VISITORS
COMING I DO SOMETHING SPECIAL.
THIS IS A CANTEEN,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
NOT A TRADE UNION DINNER.
HOW ABOUT YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
WELL, I JUST DO SIMPLE
COOKING TO MY OWN TASTE,
BUT YOU'LL NEVER SEE A
DIRTY PLATE IN MY KITCHEN.
AND IF THERE ARE ANY LEFTOVERS
MY PUSSY GOBBLES
THEM UP IN A FLASH.
I VOTE THAT MRS.
SLOCOMBE IS THE CHEF.
All: HEAR, HEAR.
LET US AGREE THEN THAT
MRS. SLOCOMBE IS HEAD COOK.
BUT WE'LL ALL HAVE
TO PULL TOGETHER
TO GET THE MEAL
PREPARED AND SERVED.
RIGHT, BEFORE WE MUCK
IN, WE BETTER MUCK OUT.
COME ON, LET'S GET
THIS WASHING UP DONE.
I'LL WASH, YOU WIPE.
- CAN I HAVE
THAT OTHER RUBBER GLOVE?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I'VE GOT TO PUT
MY HANDS IN WATER.
I DON'T WANT WASHDAY-RED HANDS.
WHAT ABOUT ME? I'VE GOT
TO HANDLE THE WET PLATES.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, COULD WE
HAVE A RULING ON THIS, PLEASE?
YES, WELL,
MR. HUMPHRIES WILL
DIP WITH HIS RIGHT HAND,
ON WHICH WILL BE
THE RIGHT GLOVE.
HE WILL USE THE DISH
MOP WITH HIS LEFT HAND
WHICH WILL NOT GO IN THE WATER.
HE WILL THEN PASS THE
PLATE TO MRS. SLOCOMBE
WHO WILL RECEIVE IT WITH
HER LEFT GLOVED HAND.
SHE WILL WIPE IT WITH THE
TEACLOTH IN HER RIGHT HAND
AND PASS IT TO MR. GOLDBERG
WHO WILL STACK IT...
WITH BOTH HANDS.
WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT
YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
NOW, WHILE WE'RE WORKING,
CAN BE DISCUSS POSSIBLE MENUS?
WHO'S GOT AN IDEA FOR A STARTER?
WELL, WHY DON'T WE HAVE
GRAPEFRUIT LIKE WE USUALLY DO?
IF WE OPEN THE TINS NOW AND
LEAVE THEM LYING AROUND ALL NIGHT,
WE CAN HAVE FLIES ON
THEM LIKE WE USUALLY DO.
I THINK THAT SINCE
WE'VE COMPLAINED,
WE OUGHT TO DO
SOMETHING QUITE DIFFERENT.
YES, HOW ABOUT SOUP?
OH, MY MOTHER MAKES
MARVELOUS SOUP.
SHE USES ALL THE LEFTOVERS.
SHE EMPTIES THE
FRIDGE INTO A BIG POT
THEN PUTS IT IN THE
OVEN ON REGULO 3.
THE MORNING AFTER, SHE
DRAINS IT AND SIEVES IT
AND STRAINS IT AND
WHATNOT, YOU SEE?
DO YOU KNOW, THE OTHER DAY
SHE FOUND HER DEAF AID IN IT.
- DID IT STILL WORK?
- NO, BUT THE SOUP DID.
I DON'T THINK SOUP
IS VERY INVENTIVE.
WHY DON'T WE TAKE
ALL THE BITS AND PIECES
WE WOULD HAVE PUT IN THE SOUP,
PUT IT IN THE MINCER
AND CALL IT PATÉ?
WHY DIDN'T YOU SUGGEST
THAT A BIT EARLIER?
ALL THE BITS AND PIECES
HAVE GONE IN THE PIG BIN.
NOT ALL OF THEM. THAT LOT'S
JUST GONE ON THE FLOOR.
DO BE CAREFUL, MISS BRAHMS.
I'M NOT INSURED FOR
TRIPPING OVER GRISTLE.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
LEND US YOUR GLOVE.
I'M NOT TOUCHING THIS
WITH ME BARE HANDS.
STOP THE PRODUCTION
LINE. I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
( screams )
WAS IT A MOUSE, MR. HUMPHRIES?
DON'T BE SILLY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
ONLY WOMEN ARE FRIGHTENED OF MICE.
- WHAT WAS IT?
- A FROG.
WHAT'S A FROG DOING DOWN THERE?
PERHAPS SOME FAIRY PRINCE
WAS RUDE TO A GYPSY VIOLINIST.
HOW DO I KNOW?
I'LL FIX IT UP.
GET OUT OF THE
WAY. I'LL GET RID OF IT.
DON'T, DON'T! THAT'S CRUEL.
THAT'S A LIVING, THINKING THING.
POSSIBLY OF ROYAL BLOOD.
SOMEBODY PUT IT IN
HERE AND GET RID OF IT.
NO, NO, NO, NO. NO
NEED TO USE THAT.
I'M USED TO HANDLING FROGS.
I WAS ALWAYS RESCUING
THEM FROM THE GOLDFISH POND.
HEY, WAIT.
HEY, PSST, HELLO.
HEY, HELLO. DON'T BE FRIGHTENED.
( mimicking frog )
( frog croaking )
BLIMEY, THEY'RE HAVING A CHAT.
- ( mimicking frog )
- ( frog croaking )
- ( all gasp )
- HE MUST'VE SAID
THE WRONG THING.
IT'S JUST JUMPED THROUGH
THAT HOLE IN THE SKIRTING BOARD.
BUNG IT UP WITH THIS DISHCLOTH,
THEN HE CAN'T GET OUT AGAIN.
DON'T DO THAT. IT'LL
STARVE TO DEATH.
WE CAN UNBUNG IT
BEFORE WE GO HOME.
WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS, HOW DID
IT GET UP HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
IT PROBABLY CAME UP WITH
THE WATERCRESS AS A TADPOLE.
WELL,
AS WE HAVEN'T HAD MUCH
SUCCESS WITH THE FIRST COURSE,
CAN WE ATTEMPT TO
DECIDE ON THE MAIN DISHES?
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT OVERTAXING
YOURSELF LICKING YOUR PENCIL?
JUST GET ON WITH
YOUR WORK, MR. LUCAS.
THEY USED TO MAKE A
VERY GOOD STEAK PIE.
MAYBE THE RECIPE'S
STILL HERE SOMEWHERE.
OH YES... IT'S NO GOOD PRODUCING
THE SAME DISHES THAT WE'VE
BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT.
WE'VE GOT TO COME UP WITH
SOMETHING QUITE DIFFERENT.
SOMETHING, WELL,
FRENCH FOR INSTANCE.
IF YOU'D LET ME HAVE
MY WAY WITH THAT BROOM,
WE COULD HAVE HAD
FROG'S LEGS, COULDN'T WE?
IT'S ALL VERY WELL TALKING ABOUT
WHAT WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THEM.
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT'S IN THE LARDER YET.
THAT POINT HAD JUST CROSSED
MY MIND, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
YEAH, JUST AFTER
MRS. SLOCOMBE SAID IT.
RIGHT, THERE'S ONE WHOLE
PIG, ONE WHOLE SHEEP
AND ONE HOLE IN THE WALL
WITH A FROG LOOKING THROUGH IT.
NOW THEN, YOU CAN
EITHER HAVE MARRONS GLACÉ
OR CREPES SUZETTE.
I'LL HAVE BOTH.
DO YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE BEST CURRY
I'VE HAD SINCE I WAS AT WOLVERHAMPTON.
AND THAT SHISH KEBAB WAS JUST
LIKE YOU GET IN A GREEK RESTAURANT.
- CAN I HAVE THE RECIPE?
- WELL...
IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF
KNOWING HOW TO DO IT.
COFFEE TO FOLLOW, MR. HARMAN?
IF I MAY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
IT'S THE BEST FOOD WE'VE
EVER HAD AT GRACE BROTHERS.
I AGREE. WELL DONE.
THE BEST CURRY I'VE HAD
SINCE I WAS IN WOLVERHAMPTON.
THANK YOU.
- TABLE FOUR. KEEP THE CHANGE.
- THANK YOU.
THREE SHISHES AND TWO TANDOORI!
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOUR
SHISHES. THERE'S BEEN A RUSH ON THEM.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I'M
DOWN TO MY LAST SHISH.
MORE SHISHES, MR. LUCAS.
I'M SHISHING AS FAST AS I CAN.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF SKEWERS.
I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU YOUR
TANDOORI UNTIL YOU'VE GOT YOUR SHISHES,
OTHERWISE YOUR
TANDOORI WILL GET TEPID.
RIGHT, WELL, CAN I HAVE A MERINGUE
AND A CREPE ON THE SAME PLATE?
OH, I BET THAT'S FOR
THEM ANIMALS IN PACKING.
MR. GRACE HAS TAKEN HIS PLACE
IN THE EXECUTIVE DINING ROOM
AND WOULD LIKE THE SOUP DU JOUR.
THERE'S BEEN A RUSH ON THAT.
I HAVE TO SEE THE MANAGER.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ARE YOU FREE?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- COULD YOU SQUEEZE ME
ANOTHER MOCK TURTLE?
- I'M HAVING
A CRISIS WITH THE SHISHES.
- IT'S FOR YOUNG MR. GRACE.
ONE TURTLE SOUP COMING UP.
PLEASE DROP EVERYTHING ELSE
AND TAKE THE SOUP TO
THE EXECUTIVE DINING ROOM.
YES, MR. RUMBOLD.
AND CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU
ALL. EVERYONE'S MOST IMPRESSED.
WHAT'S HE HAVING AFTER THE SOUP?
WE'LL BOTH HAVE THE SHISH KEBAB.
AH, THAT'S IF MR. LUCAS
FOUND SOME MORE SKEWERS,
OTHERWISE YOU'LL HAVE
TO HAVE IT IN A LUMP.
MR. LUCAS, HAVE YOU FOUND
ANYMORE MEAT SKEWERS?
I'M JUST CONVERTING
YOUR COAT HANGER.
- WHAT ABOUT MY SHEEPSKIN COAT?
- DON'T WORRY, IT'S
VERY MUCH AT HOME.
IT'S HANGING ON THE
SHEEP IN THE LARDER.
BY THE TIME THE DOCTOR CAME,
I WAS COVERED IN BANDAGES
FROM HEAD TO TOE WITH
ONLY ONE EYE SHOWING.
OH DEAR, WHATEVER
DID THE DOCTOR SAY?
HE SAID, "I DON'T LIKE
THE LOOK OF THAT EYE."
- OH, MR. GRACE. (
giggles ) - MR. GRACE.
NOW, HERE'S YOUR
SOUP, MR. GRACE.
REAL TURTLE.
OH WELL, GOOD, I LIKE
SOMETHING WITH A BIT OF BODY IN IT.
ON SECOND THOUGHTS, I
DON'T THINK IT'S VERY HOT.
I'LL TAKE IT TO THE
KITCHEN AND WARM IT UP.
NO, NO, I DON'T LIKE IT TOO HOT.
IT TAKES IT OUT OF ME
IF I HAVE TO BLOW ON IT.
YOU CAN TASTE THE TURTLE IN IT.
OR SOMETHING.
WELL, I'LL LEAVE YOU TO IT THEN.
OH, MR. GRACE, THE
BOWL IS VERY FULL.
DON'T DRINK ALL OF IT OR YOU WON'T
HAVE ROOM FOR WHAT'S TO COME.
I'M ENJOYING IT.
( croaking )
WHAT DID HE SAY HE WAS
GOING TO HAVE AFTER THE SOUP?
EITHER A STOMACH
PUMP OR AN AMBULANCE.
THERE'S YOUR CREPE
AND YOUR MERINGUE.
AND THERE'S YOUR SHISHES. THEY'VE
ALL SHRIVELED. YOU WERE TOO LONG.
( soft music playing )
I REALLY ENJOYED THAT.
- ( coughing )
- YOU ALL RIGHT, MR. GRACE?
SORRY ABOUT THAT. I'VE
GOT A FROG IN MY THROAT.
WELL, I'M STILL GLOWING
FROM THE COMPLIMENTS.
THEY SAID IT WAS THE BEST
LUNCH THEY'VE EVER HAD.
WE SAID WE COULD DO BETTER
THAN THE OTHERS, AND WE DID.
HOW MUCH DID ME TAKE?
UM, £98.
AH, AND WHAT WERE THE OUTGOINGS?
UH, CHINESE TAKE AWAY 15 QUID.
INDIAN TAKE AWAY £32.50.
GREEK TAKE AWAY £59.25.
WHICH MAKES A NET LOSS OF...
£8... 45p.
THANK YOU, MR. GOLDBERG.
8.45? IF WE KEEP
THAT UP EVERY DAY,
WE'LL BE BROKE IN A WEEK.
WELL, WE COULD RAISE THE PRICES.
WELL THAT WOULDN'T DO
MUCH TO HELP MY FEET.
NO, OR MY WASHDAY-RED HANDS.
THE STAFF WON'T COME BACK
UNLESS THEY GET A WRITTEN APOLOGY.
IN TIMES OF CRISIS,
THE BRITISH HAVE ALWAYS
STOOD FIRM BY THEIR IDEALS.
ON THE OTHER
HAND, WE AS A NATION
COULDN'T HAVE GOT
WHERE WE ARE TODAY
WITHOUT KNOWING
HOW TO COMPROMISE.
I QUITE AGREE. GATHER
ROUND EVERYBODY.
NOW THEN, HOW DOES THIS SOUND?
"WE, THE UNDERSIGNED...
OH, VERY GOOD.
HUMBLY APOLOGIZE
TO THE CANTEEN STAFF
OF GRACE BROTHERS
FOR COMPLAINING ABOUT THE FOOD,
THE SERVICE, THE HYGIENE..."
( cash register rings ) "AND
THAT COW OF A MANAGERESS."
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP. ♪