Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 7, Episode 2 - Strong Stuff This Insurance - full transcript
Mr.Grace has offered the staff of Grace Brothers a pension plan in which they will all receive a sum of money upon retirement. The younger employees will receive the highest sum and those closest to the age of retirement will receive the lowest. However in order for Grace Brothers to pay for the insurance, the staff must past a physical examination. Eager to pass the test, the staff take dancing classes to shape up; But will they pass or fail?
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS. ♪
THERE WE ARE, MADAM, ONE
DISCO-FEVER DANCING SKIRT,
AND ONE PAIR OF
FLUORESCENT TIGHTS.
AND I WONDER IF I COULD
INTEREST YOU IN A PAIR OF THESE?
- MISS BRAHMS.
- ( bells ringing )
EVERY PAIR HAS A DIFFERENT NOTE.
SO IF YOU LOSE YOUR
PARTNER IN THE DARK,
ALL YOU'VE GOT TO
DO IS SHAKE IT ABOUT
AND HE'LL FIND YOU
BY YOUR TING-A-LING.
THAT'LL DO, MISS BRAHMS.
- ARE YOU BEING SERVED, MADAM?
- NO, NOT AT THE MOMENT.
I'M LOOKING FOR A DRESSING
GOWN FOR MY HUSBAND.
- MR. GOLDBERG, ARE YOU FREE?
- I'M SORRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I'M JUST STRETCHING A
BOWLER FOR THIS CUSTOMER.
MAY I HELP YOU, MADAM?
NO, MR. LUCAS. I HAVE
NOT CALLED YOU FORWARD.
- NOW GET BACK
TO YOUR COUNTER.
- SIR.
- MR. HUMPHRIES,
ARE YOU FREE?
- I'M FREE.
THIS LADY REQUIRES A DRESSING
GOWN FOR HER HUSBAND.
WHAT DID MADAM HAVE IN MIND?
WELL, IT'S OUR
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
ROBES, PLEASE, MR. LUCAS.
EXCUSE ME. CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
AM I SENIOR ENOUGH TO
ASSIST MR. HUMPHRIES?
IF MR. HUMPHRIES WISHES FOR
YOUR ASSISTANCE, HE MAY HAVE IT.
DO YOU WISH FOR MY
ASSISTANCE, MR. HUMPHRIES?
I THINK IT WOULD BE
INVALUABLE, MR. LUCAS.
THEN YOU MAY HAVE IT,
MR. HUMPHRIES. ROBES THERE!
THIS IS OUR FULL RANGE, MADAM.
- HOW TALL
IS THE LUCKY GENTLEMAN?
- HE'S ABOUT YOUR SIZE.
HE'S NOT ALL THAT
LUCKY THEN, IS HE?
WHAT LENGTH DID
YOU HAVE IN MIND?
YES, WE HAVE KNEE HIGH,
THIGH HIGH AND AYE AYE.
NO, I LIKE THEM ROUND MY ANKLES.
I EXPECT YOUR
HUSBAND DOES AS WELL.
THEY ALL LOOK VERY NICE.
BUT I'M NEVER QUITE
SURE WHAT MEN LIKE.
NO, IT IS A BIT OF A
PUZZLE SOMETIMES.
SPEAKING AS A MAN,
WHICH DO YOU THINK?
( in deep voice )
WELL, I WOULD SAY,
THIS IS A RATHER NICE ONE.
WE ALSO HAVE SOME
FUN SLOGANS, MADAM,
WHICH YOU CAN HAVE EMBROIDERED
ON THE BACK AT VERY SHORT NOTICE.
THANK YOU. THESE ARE VERY
POPULAR WITH HONEYMOON COUPLES.
YOU CAN HAVE, "I DID IT MY WAY,"
"ANYTHING YOU CAN
DO, I CAN DO BETTER."
HERE'S MY HUSBAND.
WE'VE GOT JUST THE ONE FOR
HIM, HAVEN'T WE, MR. HUMPHRIES?
WE HAVE, "LITTLE
THINGS MEAN A LOT."
IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
MOST CERTAINLY, MADAM.
JUST LET ME KNOW
WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED.
I THINK I'D RATHER DECIDE
AT HOME IF YOU DON'T MIND.
WHY CERTAINLY, ONLY
DON'T BE TOO LONG.
THE PRICE MAY GO
UP ON WEDNESDAY.
I HATE PEOPLE LIKE
THAT WASTING MY TIME.
I KNOW. WE WAS HAVING EVER
SUCH A NICE GOSSIP TILL SHE COME IN.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THESE, THOUGH.
I DON'T THINK WE'LL SELL MANY.
I MEAN, WHAT SORT OF
PERSON'S GOING TO BUY THEM?
POSSIBLY SOMEONE WHO'S
GOING TO A DANCE TONIGHT
AT THE SOCIAL CLUB AND
WISHES TO CREATE A STIR.
YOU DON'T MEAN?
( bells ringing )
♪ ISN'T IT AWFUL NICE TO
HAVE FRIENDS TO RELY UPON? ♪
♪ YOU MUST HAVE FRIENDS ♪
MR. HARMAN, TAKE
THAT CHAIR AWAY.
I'M SORRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK, BUT
THE ORDER TO PUT THAT CHAIR THERE
WAS GIVEN ME BY A
HIGHER AUTHORITY.
- MR. RUMBOLD?
- NO, NOT MR. RUMBOLD.
AND I DO NOT HAVE TO
TELL YOU TO WHOM IT WAS.
MR. HARMAN, I WILL NOT HAVE YOU SPEAKING
TO ME LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF THE STAFF.
IT'S TOO LATE NOW.
THEY'VE HEARD.
FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M
INSTRUCTING YOU TO TELL ME
WHO ORDERED YOU TO
PUT THAT CHAIR THERE.
YOU'RE GETTING LIKE THE "JESTAPO,"
YOU IS. REALLY LIKE THE "JESTAPO."
I MEAN TO SAY WHEN
WE COME INTO POWER,
I WILL BE THE ONE WHAT
ASKS THE QUESTIONS.
AND YOU BETTER GET
SOME GOOD ANSWERS READY.
- CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- NOT WHEN I'M ADMONISHING
MR. HARMAN.
IN THAT CASE, MR. HARMAN, I
SHALL REPORT THIS INCIDENT
AND DEAL WITH THE MATTER MYSELF.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
HAVE YOU GONE MAD?
- YOU DID THAT DELIBERATELY.
- QUITE RIGHT, SIR,
I WAS A WITNESS.
HE TRIED TO ASSASSINATE
THE FOUNDER OF THE STORE.
I CAN'T APOLOGIZE ENOUGH,
SIR. I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS FOR YOU.
YOU ONLY HAD TO ASK ME NICELY,
AND I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.
THESE KIND OF PRANKS ARE
VERY DANGEROUS, PEACOCK.
YES, I THINK A VERY
SEVERE REPRIMAND, SIR.
A REPRIMAND'S NOT ENOUGH.
NO, QUITE RIGHT. AN ASSASSINATION
ATTEMPT DESERVES A SACK.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD
TAKE AWAY A PRIVILEGE, SIR.
THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA. YES.
REMOVE HIS FLOWER.
ABOUT TIME HE WAS DEFLOWERED.
- CERTAINLY, SIR.
- ONE MOMENT, MR. RUMBOLD. I MUST PROTEST.
I PAID FOR THIS FLOWER OUT OF MY
OWN POCKET AS I DO EVERY MORNING.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ALTHOUGH
YOU PAY FOR THE FLOWER YOURSELF,
IT IS A PRIVILEGE FOR YOU
TO WEAR IT ON THE FLOOR.
I AM THEREFORE
REMOVING THAT PRIVILEGE.
WELL THEN, THAT'S SETTLED.
YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.
All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
YOU CAME DOWN HERE
TO TELL THEM ABOUT
THE HEALTH SCHEME.
HEALTH SCHEME?
THE ONE WE WORKED
OUT IN THE OFFICE, SIR.
SHALL I TELL THEM OF THE
LATEST DEVELOPMENTS?
YES, YOU'D BETTER.
I'LL MAKE A MESS OF IT.
I WISH HE'D GET ON. MY
LEG'S GONE TO SLEEP.
( bells ringing )
WHAT WAS THAT?
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
TING-A-LING KNICKERS.
THEY'RE FOR DISCOS.
MY GIRLS, THEY'RE
VERY FOND OF THEM.
( bells ringing )
WELL, NOW THAT IT'S
OUT, I BOUGHT A PAIR.
I USE IT AS A BURGLAR ALARM.
GO ON, SHAKE IT ABOUT THEN.
- I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING.
- NEITHER CAN I.
DO YOU THINK SOMEBODY
BROKE IN WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING?
MAY WE RETURN TO THE
SUBJECT OF THIS MEETING?
YES.
GRACE BROTHERS HAVE WORKED
OUT A PENSION BONUS SCHEME,
WHICH WILL GIVE YOU ALL A
LUMP SUM ON RETIREMENT.
THE AMOUNT WILL VARY
ACCORDING TO YOUR AGE NOW.
BUT I CAN GIVE YOU
SOME EXAMPLES.
MR. RUMBOLD, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO DIVULGE OUR AGES IN PUBLIC.
I WOULDN'T BE SO
INDISCREET, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
BUT OF COURSE THE
YOUNGER ONES WILL FARE BEST.
NOW, MR. LUCAS AND MISS BRAHMS
WILL QUALIFY FOR THE
FULL AMOUNT OF £3,000.
MR. HUMPHRIES, 2,100.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK IS
THE NEXT YOUNGEST
AND WILL RECEIVE 1,700.
MRS. SLOCOMBE IS NEXT.
WHERE'S THAT FIGURE?
OH, MRS. SLOCOMBE, I WONDER
HOW MUCH YOU'RE GONNA GET!
THERE'S NOT ALL
THAT MUCH DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN CAPTAIN
PEACOCK AND MYSELF,
AGE-WISE.
YES.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK 1,700.
- MRS. SLOCOMBE 700.
- ( laughing )
MR. GOLDBERG, £21.52.
PROVIDING HE LASTS
TO THE END OF THE WEEK.
WELL, NOW, GRACE BROTHERS
ARE PAYING FOR THIS SCHEME,
PROVIDING OF COURSE YOU
PASS THE MEDICAL EXAMINATION
WHICH WILL BE IN
TWO WEEKS' TIME.
MAY I SAY THIS IS A VERY GENEROUS
GESTURE ON YOUR PART, SIR?
I KNEW HE'D SAY SOMETHING
POMPOUS LIKE THAT.
ON THE OTHER HAND, IF YOU DON'T
PASS THE MEDICAL EXAMINATION
YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY
FOR THE SCHEME YOURSELF,
OR, OF COURSE, NOT
TAKE PART IN IT AT ALL.
MR. RUMBOLD, MAY ONE ENQUIRE
WHO WILL BE THE
EXAMINING DOCTOR?
MR. GRACE'S PERSONAL PHYSICIAN,
WHO IS NOT ONLY HIGHLY
REGARDED AS A DIAGNOSTICIAN
BUT WHO ALSO HAPPENS
TO BE HOMEOPATHIC.
THAT'S SOMETHING
TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
JUST CABBAGE? YOU'VE NOT
BECOME A VEGETARIAN, HAVE YOU?
I INTEND TO GET A
CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH
AT THE MEDICAL EXAMINATION.
AND TOO MUCH MEAT
GIVES YOU BLOOD PRESSURE.
IF YOU GET THROUGH ALL THAT CABBAGE, YOU'LL
HAVE MORE PRESSURE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE.
WELL, I READ SOMEWHERE
THAT YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT.
JUST HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
EATING SOUR GRAPES AND UGLY FRUIT?
ABOUT AS LONG AS
YOU'VE BEEN EATING
SHEEP'S BRAINS AND PIG'S HEAD!
NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW.
ARGUMENT CAN BRING
ON ACID INDIGESTION
AND WE ALL WANT TO
BE FIT FOR THAT MEDICAL.
YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
JUST THINK, WHEN I'M
65, I SHALL GET 3,000 QUID.
IF I'M LUCKY, THAT'LL BE ENOUGH TO BUY
A WHEELCHAIR AND A PAIR OF CRUTCHES.
ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW
THESE YOUNGSTERS THINK
ONCE YOU'RE OVER 60,
YOU'RE ONLY FIT
FOR THE SCRAP HEAP?
WELL, I'M OVER 60
AND I STILL KEEP GOING.
NOT FOR SO LONG,
BUT I STILL KEEP GOING.
YOU KNOW, I WAS AT
MY BEST WHEN I WAS 25.
I TOOK THIS YOGA CLASS,
AND AFTER TWO WEEKS
I COULD PUT MY
ANKLES BEHIND MY HEAD
AND WALK ROUND ON MY HANDS.
I REMEMBER THINKING THAT'LL
COME IN USEFUL ONE DAY.
DID IT?
WHEN YOU'RE STANDING
AT THE BUS STOP LIKE THAT,
YOU SOON GET TO THE
FRONT OF THE QUEUE.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU LEAVE
GRACE BROTHERS BEFORE YOU'RE 65?
- DO YOU GET A REFUND?
- ARE YOU THINKING OF LEAVING,
MISS BRAHMS?
WELL, WITH ANY LUCK I'M NOT GOING TO
SPEND THE REST OF ME LIFE IN THIS DUMP.
YES, SHE MIGHT BE GOING TO
BE HEARING WEDDING BELLS.
SHE THINKING OF TAKING
DIGS NEAR THE CHURCH, THEN?
SOME PEOPLE DO ASK
GIRLS TO MARRY THEM.
IT'S NOT ALL MEN WHO ARE ONLY
AFTER A QUICK FUMBLE BY THE FIRE EXIT.
OH, THAT'S WHERE YOU TAKE THEM.
EVERYTHING YOU SAY
IS FULL OF INNUENDO
AND DOUBLE ENTENDRE.
YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING
"MASTERMIND" AGAIN.
I SUGGEST THAT WE NEED
AN INTENSIVE COURSE
TO GET AS FIT AS WE POSSIBLY
CAN FOR THAT MEDICAL.
YEAH,
AND I INTEND TO GET UP EARLY
EVERY MORNING AND GO JOGGING.
AND WITH A BIT OF LUCK, I'LL
GET MRS. GOLDBERG AT IT AS WELL.
I SHOULD DO ONE THING
AT A TIME IF I WERE YOU.
WHAT WE NEED IS TO GO TO A GYMNASIUM WITH
AN INSTRUCTOR AND HAVE A PROPER COURSE.
THAT COULD BE EXPENSIVE.
I MEAN, SOME OF THOSE
COURSES COST ABOUT £60.
YEAH, AND AS I'M
ONLY GETTING £21 52p,
I'LL BE ON A DEAD DUCK.
- DANCERS ARE FIT.
- WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO
WITH IT?
I'VE GOT A FRIEND
WHO'S A DANCER.
THEY'D PROBABLY GIVE US A
CLASS FOR NEXT TO NOTHING.
WHAT SORT OF DANCING DOES HE DO?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT'S A HIM?
MY FRIEND IS A
LADY BALLET DANCER.
I DON'T WANT TO BE
A BALLET DANCER.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE. BUT
THEY DO SOME MARVELOUS EXERCISES.
THAT'S WHAT GIVES
THEM THE BIG MUSCLES.
YES, I DID BALLET ONCE.
IT'S LIKE "KEEP FIT TO MUSIC."
AND YOU HAVE TO PUT
YOUR LEG UP ON THE BARRE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S ALREADY
TRAINED FOR THAT AT THE LOCAL.
HOW MUCH WOULD
YOUR FRIEND CHARGE?
NOT VERY MUCH. I
DID HER A FAVOR ONCE.
MAY ONE ASK WHAT?
I SHOWED HER SOMETHING
THAT ALTERED HER WHOLE LIFE.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
SHE CAN'T HALF GET TO THE
FRONT OF A BUS QUEUE QUICK.
STRAIGHT THROUGH THERE, TAKE
THE FOURTH DOOR ON THE RIGHT.
THE GENTLEMEN IN THE BEDDING DEPARTMENT
HAVE ALREADY GOT THEIR CLOTHES OFF
- AND THEY'RE
WAITING FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU.
COR!
WHO WAS THAT?
THAT'S THE DOCTOR WHAT'S
DOING THE EXAMINING.
WHEN'S YOUR TURN?
NEXT WEEK, WHICH
DOESN'T LEAVE US MUCH TIME.
COME ON.
HANG ON A MINUTE.
WHY AM I DOING THIS?
- SHE'S HOMEOPATHIC.
- THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.
ALL RIGHT, MISS, I'VE GOT
THE PRACTICE BAR IN PLACE.
I'VE PUT THE PIANO OVER THERE,
AND MR. GILLESPIE FROM THE MUSIC
DEPARTMENT IS GOING TO PLAY FOR US.
THANK YOU. HURRY UP, CLASS.
WE'VE ONLY GOT HALF AN HOUR.
I CAN'T...
I CAN'T BEND DOWN
TO DO UP MY SHOES.
YOU'RE HAVE TO GET SOMEONE
TO HELP YOU, AREN'T YOU?
- MR. LUCAS.
- RIGHT.
( whimpers )
I AM THE FAIRY QUEEN
AND NOW I MUST RETIRE.
I WOULD AWAY, BUT NO
ONE'S PULLED MY WIRE.
STOP FOOLING ABOUT, MR. LUCAS.
COME AND DO UP MY SHOES.
COME ON, MRS.
SLOCOMBE. THEY'RE READY.
DON'T SAY A WORD, MR. LUCAS.
I WASN'T GOING TO SAY
ANYTHING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I HAD SOMETHING ELSE
ON MY MIND, ACTUALLY.
I WAS JUST THINKING, IT'S TIME ARSENAL
GOT A COUPLE OF NEW FULLBACKS.
IF YOUR BRAINS WAS DYNAMITE
YOU STILL WOULDN'T HAVE
ENOUGH TO BLOW YOUR EARS OFF.
PERSONALLY... PERSONALLY,
I'M STILL CONVINCED...
I'M STILL CONVINCED THAT WE
SHOULD HAVE WORN TRACK SUITS.
YES, WELL THAT WOULD
HAVE COST ANOTHER £8,
AND YOUNG MR. GRACE WAS
RELUCTANT TO GO TO THOSE LENGTHS.
I MUST SAY I'M RELUCTANT
TO GO TO THESE LENGTHS.
ARE WE ALL GATHERED?
YES, EXCEPT FOR MR. HUMPHRIES.
- DARLING.
- DARLING.
- YOU LOOK DIVINE.
- AND YOU LOOK SO YOUNG.
I ADORE YOUR PERFUME.
I ADORE YOUR AFTERSHAVE.
- DARLING.
- DARLING.
DO YOU REMEMBER
WHEN WE LAST MET?
IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME.
YOU WERE IN SWAN LAKE.
IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY!
♪ UM CHING, UM CHING,
UM CHING, UM CHING ♪
♪ BUM BUM BUM
BUM, BIDDLE UM BUM ♪
♪ POMPOM POMPOM,
TIDDLEY OM POM ♪
♪ POM POM POM PAH ♪
♪ POM POM POM PAH, HEY! ♪
IF THE PRINCIPALS HAVE FINISHED,
CAN THE CHORUS JOIN IN?
YES, OF COURSE. TAKE
YOUR PLACE AT THE BARRE.
THANK YOU.
MR. LUCAS, THIS IS
NOT YOUR BARRE.
THAT IS YOUR BARRE.
- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
- THIS ONE IS FOR
MANAGEMENT ONLY.
I'VE BEEN THROWN OUT OF
BETTER BARRES THAN THIS.
RIGHT. EVERYBODY
IN 5th POSITION.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- I KNOW WHAT THE 5th
POSITION IS.
- I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT.
- LIKE THIS. LOOK.
RIGHT, EVERYBODY FOLLOW ME.
AND PLIÉ AND DOWN AND UP.
AND KEEP YOUR LEGS
QUITE BEAUTIFULLY TURNED OUT.
AND DOWN TO THE FLOOR. AND
WATCH THOSE ROLLING ANKLES.
VERY NICE.
AND ONE AND TWO
AND THREE AND FOUR
AND FIVE AND SIX
AND SEVEN AND EIGHT.
( in high voice ) AND ONE AND
TWO AND THREE AND FOUR
AND FIVE AND SIX
AND SEVEN AND EIGHT.
NOW THIS IS FOR
YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
AND UP, AND DOWN.
AND UP.
AND OFF YOU GO, BOYS.
OW!
AND DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND UP.
AND ATTITUDE. HOLD.
AND DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND UP.
AND ATTITUDE. HOLD, HOLD!
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
BALANCE, BALANCE, BALANCE.
VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.
RIGHT, NOW WE'RE GOING TO TRY
SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE AMBITIOUS.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE. JUST
KEEP IT LIGHT AND GAY.
I'LL DO THE LIGHT BIT.
CLAYBORNE, DARLING, DO YOU
REMEMBER THAT STEP WE DID IN SWAN LAKE?
- I DO!
- LET'S IMPROVISE
ON THAT THEN.
LITTLE TURN OUT. LOVELY.
YOU HAVEN'T LOST IT,
HAVE YOU, DARLING?
NOT LATELY.
COME ON NOW, MISS
BRAHMS, FOLLOW ME.
AND ONE AND TWO AND ONE AND TWO.
THAT'S RIGHT, BOYS.
KEEP EVERYTHING TUCKED IN.
OH, LOVELY.
OH!
WHO HAVE WE GOT TODAY?
THE STAFF FROM THE LADIES
AND GENTLEMENS DEPARTMENT.
CAN YOU GET THE MEN IN, AND THEY
CAN UNDRESS BEHIND THERE AS USUAL?
I'M AFRAID THE DRESSING GOWNS
HAVEN'T COME BACK FROM THE LAUNDRY YET.
I'M GOING THAT WAY, I'LL
SEE WHAT'S HAPPENED.
- COME IN, PLEASE.
- THANK YOU, NURSE.
- WHERE'S THE DOCTOR?
- SHE'LL BE BACK IN A JIFFY.
THERE'S A CUPBOARD THERE.
TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF.
I'LL GO FIRST.
MR. GOLDBERG, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT
YOUR CLOTHES IN THE CUPBOARD, NOT YOURSELF.
WELL, I CAN'T
UNDRESS IN THE OPEN!
I DIDN'T DO THAT IN
FRONT OF MRS. GOLDBERG
UNTIL WE WERE MARRIED 25 YEARS.
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
SHE SAID, "ISN'T IT FUNNY
WHAT THINGS YOU SEE
WHEN YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE GUN."
IF YOU FEEL SHY YOU CAN
GO BEHIND THE SCREEN.
WE'RE SHY.
COME ALONG,
MR. LUCAS. GET ON WITH IT.
WHEN I WAS IN THE ARMY
WE HAD TO STRIP OFF IN
THE BARRACKS ALL THE TIME.
I EXPECT THAT'S WHERE THE
EXPRESSION CAME FROM, "BARRACK-NAKED."
MY BROTHER GOES TO ONE OF
THOSE THOSE NUDIST COLONIES.
NOBODY'S ALLOWED TO WEAR
A STITCH EXCEPT THE CHEF.
AND HE WEARS A METAL APRON
FOR WHEN HE'S CHOPPING PARSLEY.
RIGHT, NOW, I'LL TAKE
ALL YOUR CLOTHES
AND PUT THEM IN THE CUPBOARD.
ALL I NEED NOW IS SOME HANGERS.
I SHAN'T BE A MINUTE.
OH COME ALONG NOW, EVERYTHING!
♪ OH, CAN IT BE THE BREEZE ♪
♪ THAT FILLS THE TREES ♪
♪ WITH RARE AND MAGIC PERFUME? ♪
OH NO!
Peacock: MR. HUMPHRIES!
MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU ARE
REQUIRED TO REMOVE YOUR CLOTHES.
- WHO SAID?
- THE NURSE. GET BEHIND HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
( whistling )
I'M NOT GOING ANY FURTHER UNTIL
YOU TURN AND FACE THE OTHER WAY.
I'M NOT TURNING TO
FACE THE OTHER WAY.
HURRY UP, HURRY UP! THE
NURSE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE!
WHERE DID SHE GO?
SHE'S GONE TO GET
US SOME HANGERS.
( bells ringing )
MY ALARM'S WORKING.
IT'S CHILLY FOR THE
TIME OF YEAR, ISN'T IT?
I WISH THAT NURSE WOULD HURRY
UP WITH THE DRESSING GOWNS.
IF YOU'RE EMBARRASSED WE'LL...
WE'LL TALK ABOUT SOMETHING
TOTALLY UNCONNECTED
WITH OUR PRESENT SITUATION.
THE SOONER THE BETTER.
( whistling )
MRS. GOLDBERG IS COOKING A
HOTPOT FOR SUPPER TONIGHT.
THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.
YES, WELL, I MENTIONED
IT BECAUSE I PROMISED
TO BUY THE VEGETABLES
IN THE FOOD DEPARTMENT.
- WHAT ARE YOU GETTING?
- FROZEN SPROUTS.
TWO OUT OF 10.
IS THIS WHERE WE SEE THE DOCTOR?
YES, BUT SHE'S NOT HERE YET.
I'M SURE WE'RE... THERE ARE
NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TWO SEXES
IN THE SAME ROOM AT ONCE.
WHY NOT? THERE WAS TWO SEXES
IN THE ROOM BEFORE WE COME IN.
WHY ARE YOU ALL HIDING
BEHIND THAT SCREEN?
BECAUSE WE'VE GOT NO CLOTHES ON.
( laughing )
IT'S NOT OFTEN WE GET YOU AT A
DISADVANTAGE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I'M NOT AT A DISADVANTAGE.
SHE HASN'T LOOKED
BEHIND THE SCREEN YET.
SHALL WE HAVE A PEEK?
WE'RE NOT LIKELY TO GET
ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY!
KEEP AWAY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
YOU HEARD WHAT HE SAID.
KEEP AWAY. THAT'S AN ORDER!
YOU'RE ALL TALK WHEN
YOU'VE GOT YOUR TROUSERS ON.
BUT NOW YOU'RE
LOSING YOUR BOTTLE!
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I HAVE
LESS TO LOSE THAN MOST OF YOU,
BUT I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
STAND HERE AND BE INSULTED.
I QUITE AGREE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
RIGHT, SQUAD, LEFT TURN.
LEFT WHEEL, DOUBLE MARCH.
HERE'S THE MEDICAL REPORT FOR THE
LADIES AND GENTS DEPARTMENTS, SIR.
THEY'LL ALL BE UP IN A
MOMENT TO KNOW THE RESULTS.
AND MR. HARMAN
WILL BE THERE AS WELL.
WHAT'S HE WANT?
HE'S GOT THE REPORT ON
YOUR OFFICE FURNITURE.
YOU WANTED TO INSURE IT.
AND YOU DO HAVE SOME LOVELY
ANTIQUES, HERE, DON'T YOU, SIR?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN ANTIQUES?
THEY WERE ALL NEW
WHEN I FIRST CAME HERE.
IS EVERYBODY HERE?
LINE UP IN ORDER OF SENIORITY.
WOULD YOU MIND WAITING OUT HERE?
MR. GRACE WILL SEE YOU IN A MOMENT OR TWO.
SHOVE OVER.
THANK YOU.
PULL YOUR SKIRT DOWN.
WELL, HOW DID YOU
GET ON, MR. GOLDBERG?
WELL THE DOCTOR
SHOOK HER HEAD A LOT.
SHE NODDED AT ME.
THEY NEVER TELL YOU
NOTHING, DO THEY?
SHE SAID I WAS IN VERY
GOOD SHAPE FOR A MAN OF 70.
THAT SHOULD'VE MADE YOU HAPPY.
IT DIDN'T. I'M 63.
I THINK SHE'S GOT SOMETHING
WRONG WITH HER TEETH,
ALL THE TIME SHE WAS
EXAMINING ME SHE WAS GOING,
"TSK, TSK."
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
♪ FRIENDS, ISN'T IT ALL FOR... ♪
BLIMEY, THE LOST TRIBE.
HARMAN HERE, SIR, WITH
THE REPORT YOU REQUESTED.
COME IN.
THAT'LL BE OUR MEDICAL REPORTS.
COME ON, LET'S HAVE A LISTEN.
WE SHALL DO NO
SUCH THING, MR. LUCAS.
ON THE OTHER HAND, IF
WE SHOULD OVERHEAR,
THAT'S ANOTHER MATTER.
I CAN'T FIND MY
SPECTACLES, YOU READ IT.
YES, SIR.
NOW, THIS IS THE OLDEST.
THE BOW FRONT
WITH THE SHORT LEGS.
THAT'LL BE YOU, MR. GOLDBERG.
SHH, I WANT TO HEAR.
THE TOP'S IN VERY
GOOD CONDITION.
BIT OF DRY ROT IN THE LEGS
AND THE KNOB'S
GOING TO FALL OFF.
WHAT ABOUT THAT
PRETTY LITTLE PIECE?
THAT MUST BE YOU, MISS BRAHMS.
WELL, IT CERTAINLY WON'T BE YOU.
Harman: OUTWARDLY IN
VERY GOOD CONDITION.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S
GOT A SCREW LOOSE.
OH, THE KNOCKERS AREN'T GENUINE.
BLOOMING CHEEK.
THAT BRINGS ME TO THIS ONE HERE.
OH, THE BIG CHEST?
ONCE USED BY A LOT OF SOLDIERS.
THERE WAS A LOT OF ODD
THINGS FOUND IN THE DRAWERS,
BUT ONCE REMOVED, YOU COULD
PLAINLY SEE THE RAVAGES OF TIME.
OH, AND THERE'S RISING
DAMP IN THE BOTTOM.
NOW WE COME TO THE POUF.
OUTWARDLY IN VERY
GOOD CONDITION.
A BIT OLDER THAN IT LOOKS.
A BIT SAGGY IN THE MIDDLE.
PROBABLY WORTH HANGING ON TO
IF YOU'RE PREPARED
TO HAVE IT STUFFED.
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP. ♪
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS. ♪
THERE WE ARE, MADAM, ONE
DISCO-FEVER DANCING SKIRT,
AND ONE PAIR OF
FLUORESCENT TIGHTS.
AND I WONDER IF I COULD
INTEREST YOU IN A PAIR OF THESE?
- MISS BRAHMS.
- ( bells ringing )
EVERY PAIR HAS A DIFFERENT NOTE.
SO IF YOU LOSE YOUR
PARTNER IN THE DARK,
ALL YOU'VE GOT TO
DO IS SHAKE IT ABOUT
AND HE'LL FIND YOU
BY YOUR TING-A-LING.
THAT'LL DO, MISS BRAHMS.
- ARE YOU BEING SERVED, MADAM?
- NO, NOT AT THE MOMENT.
I'M LOOKING FOR A DRESSING
GOWN FOR MY HUSBAND.
- MR. GOLDBERG, ARE YOU FREE?
- I'M SORRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I'M JUST STRETCHING A
BOWLER FOR THIS CUSTOMER.
MAY I HELP YOU, MADAM?
NO, MR. LUCAS. I HAVE
NOT CALLED YOU FORWARD.
- NOW GET BACK
TO YOUR COUNTER.
- SIR.
- MR. HUMPHRIES,
ARE YOU FREE?
- I'M FREE.
THIS LADY REQUIRES A DRESSING
GOWN FOR HER HUSBAND.
WHAT DID MADAM HAVE IN MIND?
WELL, IT'S OUR
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
ROBES, PLEASE, MR. LUCAS.
EXCUSE ME. CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
AM I SENIOR ENOUGH TO
ASSIST MR. HUMPHRIES?
IF MR. HUMPHRIES WISHES FOR
YOUR ASSISTANCE, HE MAY HAVE IT.
DO YOU WISH FOR MY
ASSISTANCE, MR. HUMPHRIES?
I THINK IT WOULD BE
INVALUABLE, MR. LUCAS.
THEN YOU MAY HAVE IT,
MR. HUMPHRIES. ROBES THERE!
THIS IS OUR FULL RANGE, MADAM.
- HOW TALL
IS THE LUCKY GENTLEMAN?
- HE'S ABOUT YOUR SIZE.
HE'S NOT ALL THAT
LUCKY THEN, IS HE?
WHAT LENGTH DID
YOU HAVE IN MIND?
YES, WE HAVE KNEE HIGH,
THIGH HIGH AND AYE AYE.
NO, I LIKE THEM ROUND MY ANKLES.
I EXPECT YOUR
HUSBAND DOES AS WELL.
THEY ALL LOOK VERY NICE.
BUT I'M NEVER QUITE
SURE WHAT MEN LIKE.
NO, IT IS A BIT OF A
PUZZLE SOMETIMES.
SPEAKING AS A MAN,
WHICH DO YOU THINK?
( in deep voice )
WELL, I WOULD SAY,
THIS IS A RATHER NICE ONE.
WE ALSO HAVE SOME
FUN SLOGANS, MADAM,
WHICH YOU CAN HAVE EMBROIDERED
ON THE BACK AT VERY SHORT NOTICE.
THANK YOU. THESE ARE VERY
POPULAR WITH HONEYMOON COUPLES.
YOU CAN HAVE, "I DID IT MY WAY,"
"ANYTHING YOU CAN
DO, I CAN DO BETTER."
HERE'S MY HUSBAND.
WE'VE GOT JUST THE ONE FOR
HIM, HAVEN'T WE, MR. HUMPHRIES?
WE HAVE, "LITTLE
THINGS MEAN A LOT."
IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
MOST CERTAINLY, MADAM.
JUST LET ME KNOW
WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED.
I THINK I'D RATHER DECIDE
AT HOME IF YOU DON'T MIND.
WHY CERTAINLY, ONLY
DON'T BE TOO LONG.
THE PRICE MAY GO
UP ON WEDNESDAY.
I HATE PEOPLE LIKE
THAT WASTING MY TIME.
I KNOW. WE WAS HAVING EVER
SUCH A NICE GOSSIP TILL SHE COME IN.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THESE, THOUGH.
I DON'T THINK WE'LL SELL MANY.
I MEAN, WHAT SORT OF
PERSON'S GOING TO BUY THEM?
POSSIBLY SOMEONE WHO'S
GOING TO A DANCE TONIGHT
AT THE SOCIAL CLUB AND
WISHES TO CREATE A STIR.
YOU DON'T MEAN?
( bells ringing )
♪ ISN'T IT AWFUL NICE TO
HAVE FRIENDS TO RELY UPON? ♪
♪ YOU MUST HAVE FRIENDS ♪
MR. HARMAN, TAKE
THAT CHAIR AWAY.
I'M SORRY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK, BUT
THE ORDER TO PUT THAT CHAIR THERE
WAS GIVEN ME BY A
HIGHER AUTHORITY.
- MR. RUMBOLD?
- NO, NOT MR. RUMBOLD.
AND I DO NOT HAVE TO
TELL YOU TO WHOM IT WAS.
MR. HARMAN, I WILL NOT HAVE YOU SPEAKING
TO ME LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF THE STAFF.
IT'S TOO LATE NOW.
THEY'VE HEARD.
FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M
INSTRUCTING YOU TO TELL ME
WHO ORDERED YOU TO
PUT THAT CHAIR THERE.
YOU'RE GETTING LIKE THE "JESTAPO,"
YOU IS. REALLY LIKE THE "JESTAPO."
I MEAN TO SAY WHEN
WE COME INTO POWER,
I WILL BE THE ONE WHAT
ASKS THE QUESTIONS.
AND YOU BETTER GET
SOME GOOD ANSWERS READY.
- CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- NOT WHEN I'M ADMONISHING
MR. HARMAN.
IN THAT CASE, MR. HARMAN, I
SHALL REPORT THIS INCIDENT
AND DEAL WITH THE MATTER MYSELF.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
HAVE YOU GONE MAD?
- YOU DID THAT DELIBERATELY.
- QUITE RIGHT, SIR,
I WAS A WITNESS.
HE TRIED TO ASSASSINATE
THE FOUNDER OF THE STORE.
I CAN'T APOLOGIZE ENOUGH,
SIR. I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS FOR YOU.
YOU ONLY HAD TO ASK ME NICELY,
AND I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.
THESE KIND OF PRANKS ARE
VERY DANGEROUS, PEACOCK.
YES, I THINK A VERY
SEVERE REPRIMAND, SIR.
A REPRIMAND'S NOT ENOUGH.
NO, QUITE RIGHT. AN ASSASSINATION
ATTEMPT DESERVES A SACK.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD
TAKE AWAY A PRIVILEGE, SIR.
THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA. YES.
REMOVE HIS FLOWER.
ABOUT TIME HE WAS DEFLOWERED.
- CERTAINLY, SIR.
- ONE MOMENT, MR. RUMBOLD. I MUST PROTEST.
I PAID FOR THIS FLOWER OUT OF MY
OWN POCKET AS I DO EVERY MORNING.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ALTHOUGH
YOU PAY FOR THE FLOWER YOURSELF,
IT IS A PRIVILEGE FOR YOU
TO WEAR IT ON THE FLOOR.
I AM THEREFORE
REMOVING THAT PRIVILEGE.
WELL THEN, THAT'S SETTLED.
YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.
All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
YOU CAME DOWN HERE
TO TELL THEM ABOUT
THE HEALTH SCHEME.
HEALTH SCHEME?
THE ONE WE WORKED
OUT IN THE OFFICE, SIR.
SHALL I TELL THEM OF THE
LATEST DEVELOPMENTS?
YES, YOU'D BETTER.
I'LL MAKE A MESS OF IT.
I WISH HE'D GET ON. MY
LEG'S GONE TO SLEEP.
( bells ringing )
WHAT WAS THAT?
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
TING-A-LING KNICKERS.
THEY'RE FOR DISCOS.
MY GIRLS, THEY'RE
VERY FOND OF THEM.
( bells ringing )
WELL, NOW THAT IT'S
OUT, I BOUGHT A PAIR.
I USE IT AS A BURGLAR ALARM.
GO ON, SHAKE IT ABOUT THEN.
- I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING.
- NEITHER CAN I.
DO YOU THINK SOMEBODY
BROKE IN WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING?
MAY WE RETURN TO THE
SUBJECT OF THIS MEETING?
YES.
GRACE BROTHERS HAVE WORKED
OUT A PENSION BONUS SCHEME,
WHICH WILL GIVE YOU ALL A
LUMP SUM ON RETIREMENT.
THE AMOUNT WILL VARY
ACCORDING TO YOUR AGE NOW.
BUT I CAN GIVE YOU
SOME EXAMPLES.
MR. RUMBOLD, I HOPE YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO DIVULGE OUR AGES IN PUBLIC.
I WOULDN'T BE SO
INDISCREET, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
BUT OF COURSE THE
YOUNGER ONES WILL FARE BEST.
NOW, MR. LUCAS AND MISS BRAHMS
WILL QUALIFY FOR THE
FULL AMOUNT OF £3,000.
MR. HUMPHRIES, 2,100.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK IS
THE NEXT YOUNGEST
AND WILL RECEIVE 1,700.
MRS. SLOCOMBE IS NEXT.
WHERE'S THAT FIGURE?
OH, MRS. SLOCOMBE, I WONDER
HOW MUCH YOU'RE GONNA GET!
THERE'S NOT ALL
THAT MUCH DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN CAPTAIN
PEACOCK AND MYSELF,
AGE-WISE.
YES.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK 1,700.
- MRS. SLOCOMBE 700.
- ( laughing )
MR. GOLDBERG, £21.52.
PROVIDING HE LASTS
TO THE END OF THE WEEK.
WELL, NOW, GRACE BROTHERS
ARE PAYING FOR THIS SCHEME,
PROVIDING OF COURSE YOU
PASS THE MEDICAL EXAMINATION
WHICH WILL BE IN
TWO WEEKS' TIME.
MAY I SAY THIS IS A VERY GENEROUS
GESTURE ON YOUR PART, SIR?
I KNEW HE'D SAY SOMETHING
POMPOUS LIKE THAT.
ON THE OTHER HAND, IF YOU DON'T
PASS THE MEDICAL EXAMINATION
YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY
FOR THE SCHEME YOURSELF,
OR, OF COURSE, NOT
TAKE PART IN IT AT ALL.
MR. RUMBOLD, MAY ONE ENQUIRE
WHO WILL BE THE
EXAMINING DOCTOR?
MR. GRACE'S PERSONAL PHYSICIAN,
WHO IS NOT ONLY HIGHLY
REGARDED AS A DIAGNOSTICIAN
BUT WHO ALSO HAPPENS
TO BE HOMEOPATHIC.
THAT'S SOMETHING
TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
JUST CABBAGE? YOU'VE NOT
BECOME A VEGETARIAN, HAVE YOU?
I INTEND TO GET A
CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH
AT THE MEDICAL EXAMINATION.
AND TOO MUCH MEAT
GIVES YOU BLOOD PRESSURE.
IF YOU GET THROUGH ALL THAT CABBAGE, YOU'LL
HAVE MORE PRESSURE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE.
WELL, I READ SOMEWHERE
THAT YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT.
JUST HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
EATING SOUR GRAPES AND UGLY FRUIT?
ABOUT AS LONG AS
YOU'VE BEEN EATING
SHEEP'S BRAINS AND PIG'S HEAD!
NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW.
ARGUMENT CAN BRING
ON ACID INDIGESTION
AND WE ALL WANT TO
BE FIT FOR THAT MEDICAL.
YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
JUST THINK, WHEN I'M
65, I SHALL GET 3,000 QUID.
IF I'M LUCKY, THAT'LL BE ENOUGH TO BUY
A WHEELCHAIR AND A PAIR OF CRUTCHES.
ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW
THESE YOUNGSTERS THINK
ONCE YOU'RE OVER 60,
YOU'RE ONLY FIT
FOR THE SCRAP HEAP?
WELL, I'M OVER 60
AND I STILL KEEP GOING.
NOT FOR SO LONG,
BUT I STILL KEEP GOING.
YOU KNOW, I WAS AT
MY BEST WHEN I WAS 25.
I TOOK THIS YOGA CLASS,
AND AFTER TWO WEEKS
I COULD PUT MY
ANKLES BEHIND MY HEAD
AND WALK ROUND ON MY HANDS.
I REMEMBER THINKING THAT'LL
COME IN USEFUL ONE DAY.
DID IT?
WHEN YOU'RE STANDING
AT THE BUS STOP LIKE THAT,
YOU SOON GET TO THE
FRONT OF THE QUEUE.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU LEAVE
GRACE BROTHERS BEFORE YOU'RE 65?
- DO YOU GET A REFUND?
- ARE YOU THINKING OF LEAVING,
MISS BRAHMS?
WELL, WITH ANY LUCK I'M NOT GOING TO
SPEND THE REST OF ME LIFE IN THIS DUMP.
YES, SHE MIGHT BE GOING TO
BE HEARING WEDDING BELLS.
SHE THINKING OF TAKING
DIGS NEAR THE CHURCH, THEN?
SOME PEOPLE DO ASK
GIRLS TO MARRY THEM.
IT'S NOT ALL MEN WHO ARE ONLY
AFTER A QUICK FUMBLE BY THE FIRE EXIT.
OH, THAT'S WHERE YOU TAKE THEM.
EVERYTHING YOU SAY
IS FULL OF INNUENDO
AND DOUBLE ENTENDRE.
YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING
"MASTERMIND" AGAIN.
I SUGGEST THAT WE NEED
AN INTENSIVE COURSE
TO GET AS FIT AS WE POSSIBLY
CAN FOR THAT MEDICAL.
YEAH,
AND I INTEND TO GET UP EARLY
EVERY MORNING AND GO JOGGING.
AND WITH A BIT OF LUCK, I'LL
GET MRS. GOLDBERG AT IT AS WELL.
I SHOULD DO ONE THING
AT A TIME IF I WERE YOU.
WHAT WE NEED IS TO GO TO A GYMNASIUM WITH
AN INSTRUCTOR AND HAVE A PROPER COURSE.
THAT COULD BE EXPENSIVE.
I MEAN, SOME OF THOSE
COURSES COST ABOUT £60.
YEAH, AND AS I'M
ONLY GETTING £21 52p,
I'LL BE ON A DEAD DUCK.
- DANCERS ARE FIT.
- WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO
WITH IT?
I'VE GOT A FRIEND
WHO'S A DANCER.
THEY'D PROBABLY GIVE US A
CLASS FOR NEXT TO NOTHING.
WHAT SORT OF DANCING DOES HE DO?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT'S A HIM?
MY FRIEND IS A
LADY BALLET DANCER.
I DON'T WANT TO BE
A BALLET DANCER.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE. BUT
THEY DO SOME MARVELOUS EXERCISES.
THAT'S WHAT GIVES
THEM THE BIG MUSCLES.
YES, I DID BALLET ONCE.
IT'S LIKE "KEEP FIT TO MUSIC."
AND YOU HAVE TO PUT
YOUR LEG UP ON THE BARRE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S ALREADY
TRAINED FOR THAT AT THE LOCAL.
HOW MUCH WOULD
YOUR FRIEND CHARGE?
NOT VERY MUCH. I
DID HER A FAVOR ONCE.
MAY ONE ASK WHAT?
I SHOWED HER SOMETHING
THAT ALTERED HER WHOLE LIFE.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
SHE CAN'T HALF GET TO THE
FRONT OF A BUS QUEUE QUICK.
STRAIGHT THROUGH THERE, TAKE
THE FOURTH DOOR ON THE RIGHT.
THE GENTLEMEN IN THE BEDDING DEPARTMENT
HAVE ALREADY GOT THEIR CLOTHES OFF
- AND THEY'RE
WAITING FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU.
COR!
WHO WAS THAT?
THAT'S THE DOCTOR WHAT'S
DOING THE EXAMINING.
WHEN'S YOUR TURN?
NEXT WEEK, WHICH
DOESN'T LEAVE US MUCH TIME.
COME ON.
HANG ON A MINUTE.
WHY AM I DOING THIS?
- SHE'S HOMEOPATHIC.
- THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.
ALL RIGHT, MISS, I'VE GOT
THE PRACTICE BAR IN PLACE.
I'VE PUT THE PIANO OVER THERE,
AND MR. GILLESPIE FROM THE MUSIC
DEPARTMENT IS GOING TO PLAY FOR US.
THANK YOU. HURRY UP, CLASS.
WE'VE ONLY GOT HALF AN HOUR.
I CAN'T...
I CAN'T BEND DOWN
TO DO UP MY SHOES.
YOU'RE HAVE TO GET SOMEONE
TO HELP YOU, AREN'T YOU?
- MR. LUCAS.
- RIGHT.
( whimpers )
I AM THE FAIRY QUEEN
AND NOW I MUST RETIRE.
I WOULD AWAY, BUT NO
ONE'S PULLED MY WIRE.
STOP FOOLING ABOUT, MR. LUCAS.
COME AND DO UP MY SHOES.
COME ON, MRS.
SLOCOMBE. THEY'RE READY.
DON'T SAY A WORD, MR. LUCAS.
I WASN'T GOING TO SAY
ANYTHING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I HAD SOMETHING ELSE
ON MY MIND, ACTUALLY.
I WAS JUST THINKING, IT'S TIME ARSENAL
GOT A COUPLE OF NEW FULLBACKS.
IF YOUR BRAINS WAS DYNAMITE
YOU STILL WOULDN'T HAVE
ENOUGH TO BLOW YOUR EARS OFF.
PERSONALLY... PERSONALLY,
I'M STILL CONVINCED...
I'M STILL CONVINCED THAT WE
SHOULD HAVE WORN TRACK SUITS.
YES, WELL THAT WOULD
HAVE COST ANOTHER £8,
AND YOUNG MR. GRACE WAS
RELUCTANT TO GO TO THOSE LENGTHS.
I MUST SAY I'M RELUCTANT
TO GO TO THESE LENGTHS.
ARE WE ALL GATHERED?
YES, EXCEPT FOR MR. HUMPHRIES.
- DARLING.
- DARLING.
- YOU LOOK DIVINE.
- AND YOU LOOK SO YOUNG.
I ADORE YOUR PERFUME.
I ADORE YOUR AFTERSHAVE.
- DARLING.
- DARLING.
DO YOU REMEMBER
WHEN WE LAST MET?
IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME.
YOU WERE IN SWAN LAKE.
IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY!
♪ UM CHING, UM CHING,
UM CHING, UM CHING ♪
♪ BUM BUM BUM
BUM, BIDDLE UM BUM ♪
♪ POMPOM POMPOM,
TIDDLEY OM POM ♪
♪ POM POM POM PAH ♪
♪ POM POM POM PAH, HEY! ♪
IF THE PRINCIPALS HAVE FINISHED,
CAN THE CHORUS JOIN IN?
YES, OF COURSE. TAKE
YOUR PLACE AT THE BARRE.
THANK YOU.
MR. LUCAS, THIS IS
NOT YOUR BARRE.
THAT IS YOUR BARRE.
- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
- THIS ONE IS FOR
MANAGEMENT ONLY.
I'VE BEEN THROWN OUT OF
BETTER BARRES THAN THIS.
RIGHT. EVERYBODY
IN 5th POSITION.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- I KNOW WHAT THE 5th
POSITION IS.
- I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT.
- LIKE THIS. LOOK.
RIGHT, EVERYBODY FOLLOW ME.
AND PLIÉ AND DOWN AND UP.
AND KEEP YOUR LEGS
QUITE BEAUTIFULLY TURNED OUT.
AND DOWN TO THE FLOOR. AND
WATCH THOSE ROLLING ANKLES.
VERY NICE.
AND ONE AND TWO
AND THREE AND FOUR
AND FIVE AND SIX
AND SEVEN AND EIGHT.
( in high voice ) AND ONE AND
TWO AND THREE AND FOUR
AND FIVE AND SIX
AND SEVEN AND EIGHT.
NOW THIS IS FOR
YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
AND UP, AND DOWN.
AND UP.
AND OFF YOU GO, BOYS.
OW!
AND DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND UP.
AND ATTITUDE. HOLD.
AND DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND UP.
AND ATTITUDE. HOLD, HOLD!
UP, UP, UP, UP, UP.
BALANCE, BALANCE, BALANCE.
VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.
RIGHT, NOW WE'RE GOING TO TRY
SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE AMBITIOUS.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE. JUST
KEEP IT LIGHT AND GAY.
I'LL DO THE LIGHT BIT.
CLAYBORNE, DARLING, DO YOU
REMEMBER THAT STEP WE DID IN SWAN LAKE?
- I DO!
- LET'S IMPROVISE
ON THAT THEN.
LITTLE TURN OUT. LOVELY.
YOU HAVEN'T LOST IT,
HAVE YOU, DARLING?
NOT LATELY.
COME ON NOW, MISS
BRAHMS, FOLLOW ME.
AND ONE AND TWO AND ONE AND TWO.
THAT'S RIGHT, BOYS.
KEEP EVERYTHING TUCKED IN.
OH, LOVELY.
OH!
WHO HAVE WE GOT TODAY?
THE STAFF FROM THE LADIES
AND GENTLEMENS DEPARTMENT.
CAN YOU GET THE MEN IN, AND THEY
CAN UNDRESS BEHIND THERE AS USUAL?
I'M AFRAID THE DRESSING GOWNS
HAVEN'T COME BACK FROM THE LAUNDRY YET.
I'M GOING THAT WAY, I'LL
SEE WHAT'S HAPPENED.
- COME IN, PLEASE.
- THANK YOU, NURSE.
- WHERE'S THE DOCTOR?
- SHE'LL BE BACK IN A JIFFY.
THERE'S A CUPBOARD THERE.
TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF.
I'LL GO FIRST.
MR. GOLDBERG, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT
YOUR CLOTHES IN THE CUPBOARD, NOT YOURSELF.
WELL, I CAN'T
UNDRESS IN THE OPEN!
I DIDN'T DO THAT IN
FRONT OF MRS. GOLDBERG
UNTIL WE WERE MARRIED 25 YEARS.
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
SHE SAID, "ISN'T IT FUNNY
WHAT THINGS YOU SEE
WHEN YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE GUN."
IF YOU FEEL SHY YOU CAN
GO BEHIND THE SCREEN.
WE'RE SHY.
COME ALONG,
MR. LUCAS. GET ON WITH IT.
WHEN I WAS IN THE ARMY
WE HAD TO STRIP OFF IN
THE BARRACKS ALL THE TIME.
I EXPECT THAT'S WHERE THE
EXPRESSION CAME FROM, "BARRACK-NAKED."
MY BROTHER GOES TO ONE OF
THOSE THOSE NUDIST COLONIES.
NOBODY'S ALLOWED TO WEAR
A STITCH EXCEPT THE CHEF.
AND HE WEARS A METAL APRON
FOR WHEN HE'S CHOPPING PARSLEY.
RIGHT, NOW, I'LL TAKE
ALL YOUR CLOTHES
AND PUT THEM IN THE CUPBOARD.
ALL I NEED NOW IS SOME HANGERS.
I SHAN'T BE A MINUTE.
OH COME ALONG NOW, EVERYTHING!
♪ OH, CAN IT BE THE BREEZE ♪
♪ THAT FILLS THE TREES ♪
♪ WITH RARE AND MAGIC PERFUME? ♪
OH NO!
Peacock: MR. HUMPHRIES!
MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU ARE
REQUIRED TO REMOVE YOUR CLOTHES.
- WHO SAID?
- THE NURSE. GET BEHIND HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
( whistling )
I'M NOT GOING ANY FURTHER UNTIL
YOU TURN AND FACE THE OTHER WAY.
I'M NOT TURNING TO
FACE THE OTHER WAY.
HURRY UP, HURRY UP! THE
NURSE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE!
WHERE DID SHE GO?
SHE'S GONE TO GET
US SOME HANGERS.
( bells ringing )
MY ALARM'S WORKING.
IT'S CHILLY FOR THE
TIME OF YEAR, ISN'T IT?
I WISH THAT NURSE WOULD HURRY
UP WITH THE DRESSING GOWNS.
IF YOU'RE EMBARRASSED WE'LL...
WE'LL TALK ABOUT SOMETHING
TOTALLY UNCONNECTED
WITH OUR PRESENT SITUATION.
THE SOONER THE BETTER.
( whistling )
MRS. GOLDBERG IS COOKING A
HOTPOT FOR SUPPER TONIGHT.
THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.
YES, WELL, I MENTIONED
IT BECAUSE I PROMISED
TO BUY THE VEGETABLES
IN THE FOOD DEPARTMENT.
- WHAT ARE YOU GETTING?
- FROZEN SPROUTS.
TWO OUT OF 10.
IS THIS WHERE WE SEE THE DOCTOR?
YES, BUT SHE'S NOT HERE YET.
I'M SURE WE'RE... THERE ARE
NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TWO SEXES
IN THE SAME ROOM AT ONCE.
WHY NOT? THERE WAS TWO SEXES
IN THE ROOM BEFORE WE COME IN.
WHY ARE YOU ALL HIDING
BEHIND THAT SCREEN?
BECAUSE WE'VE GOT NO CLOTHES ON.
( laughing )
IT'S NOT OFTEN WE GET YOU AT A
DISADVANTAGE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I'M NOT AT A DISADVANTAGE.
SHE HASN'T LOOKED
BEHIND THE SCREEN YET.
SHALL WE HAVE A PEEK?
WE'RE NOT LIKELY TO GET
ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY!
KEEP AWAY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
YOU HEARD WHAT HE SAID.
KEEP AWAY. THAT'S AN ORDER!
YOU'RE ALL TALK WHEN
YOU'VE GOT YOUR TROUSERS ON.
BUT NOW YOU'RE
LOSING YOUR BOTTLE!
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I HAVE
LESS TO LOSE THAN MOST OF YOU,
BUT I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
STAND HERE AND BE INSULTED.
I QUITE AGREE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
RIGHT, SQUAD, LEFT TURN.
LEFT WHEEL, DOUBLE MARCH.
HERE'S THE MEDICAL REPORT FOR THE
LADIES AND GENTS DEPARTMENTS, SIR.
THEY'LL ALL BE UP IN A
MOMENT TO KNOW THE RESULTS.
AND MR. HARMAN
WILL BE THERE AS WELL.
WHAT'S HE WANT?
HE'S GOT THE REPORT ON
YOUR OFFICE FURNITURE.
YOU WANTED TO INSURE IT.
AND YOU DO HAVE SOME LOVELY
ANTIQUES, HERE, DON'T YOU, SIR?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN ANTIQUES?
THEY WERE ALL NEW
WHEN I FIRST CAME HERE.
IS EVERYBODY HERE?
LINE UP IN ORDER OF SENIORITY.
WOULD YOU MIND WAITING OUT HERE?
MR. GRACE WILL SEE YOU IN A MOMENT OR TWO.
SHOVE OVER.
THANK YOU.
PULL YOUR SKIRT DOWN.
WELL, HOW DID YOU
GET ON, MR. GOLDBERG?
WELL THE DOCTOR
SHOOK HER HEAD A LOT.
SHE NODDED AT ME.
THEY NEVER TELL YOU
NOTHING, DO THEY?
SHE SAID I WAS IN VERY
GOOD SHAPE FOR A MAN OF 70.
THAT SHOULD'VE MADE YOU HAPPY.
IT DIDN'T. I'M 63.
I THINK SHE'S GOT SOMETHING
WRONG WITH HER TEETH,
ALL THE TIME SHE WAS
EXAMINING ME SHE WAS GOING,
"TSK, TSK."
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
♪ FRIENDS, ISN'T IT ALL FOR... ♪
BLIMEY, THE LOST TRIBE.
HARMAN HERE, SIR, WITH
THE REPORT YOU REQUESTED.
COME IN.
THAT'LL BE OUR MEDICAL REPORTS.
COME ON, LET'S HAVE A LISTEN.
WE SHALL DO NO
SUCH THING, MR. LUCAS.
ON THE OTHER HAND, IF
WE SHOULD OVERHEAR,
THAT'S ANOTHER MATTER.
I CAN'T FIND MY
SPECTACLES, YOU READ IT.
YES, SIR.
NOW, THIS IS THE OLDEST.
THE BOW FRONT
WITH THE SHORT LEGS.
THAT'LL BE YOU, MR. GOLDBERG.
SHH, I WANT TO HEAR.
THE TOP'S IN VERY
GOOD CONDITION.
BIT OF DRY ROT IN THE LEGS
AND THE KNOB'S
GOING TO FALL OFF.
WHAT ABOUT THAT
PRETTY LITTLE PIECE?
THAT MUST BE YOU, MISS BRAHMS.
WELL, IT CERTAINLY WON'T BE YOU.
Harman: OUTWARDLY IN
VERY GOOD CONDITION.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S
GOT A SCREW LOOSE.
OH, THE KNOCKERS AREN'T GENUINE.
BLOOMING CHEEK.
THAT BRINGS ME TO THIS ONE HERE.
OH, THE BIG CHEST?
ONCE USED BY A LOT OF SOLDIERS.
THERE WAS A LOT OF ODD
THINGS FOUND IN THE DRAWERS,
BUT ONCE REMOVED, YOU COULD
PLAINLY SEE THE RAVAGES OF TIME.
OH, AND THERE'S RISING
DAMP IN THE BOTTOM.
NOW WE COME TO THE POUF.
OUTWARDLY IN VERY
GOOD CONDITION.
A BIT OLDER THAN IT LOOKS.
A BIT SAGGY IN THE MIDDLE.
PROBABLY WORTH HANGING ON TO
IF YOU'RE PREPARED
TO HAVE IT STUFFED.
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP. ♪