Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 7, Episode 1 - The Junior - full transcript

Mr. Tebbs has left Grace Brothers and there are rumors that the new position will be advertised. But it's not the seniors' position, it's the junior. Mr.Humphries has taken over as senior and Mr. Lucas as assistant. The floor is asked to stay behind and interview the candidates, but will they find a suitable replacement?

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

- CHEERIO, MR. TEBBS!
- GOODBYE, MR. TEBBS.

- ALL THE BEST!
- Mrs. Slocombe: DON'T FORGET
TO COME BACK AND SEE US.

I HOPE HE'S DOING
THE RIGHT THING.

HE COULD HAVE STAYED
ANOTHER FIVE YEARS,



BUT THAT WOULD ONLY INCREASE
HIS PENSION BY A POUND A WEEK.

WHICH AT THE PRESENT RATE, WOULD ONLY
HAVE BOUGHT HIM THREE LOAVES OF BREAD.

I THINK HE WAS FAT
ENOUGH ALREADY.

LOOK, HE'S LEFT
HIS FAREWELL CAKE.

OH LOOK, HE'S LEFT
HIS TEETH MARKS IN IT.

ISN'T IT MARVELOUS? 60
YEARS FAITHFUL SERVICE,

AND THE ONLY SIGN THAT HE'S PASSED
THIS WAY ARE HIS TEETH MARKS IN A BUN.

MAKES YOU THINK, DOESN'T IT?

WHEN YOU GO, WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU'LL LEAVE BEHIND?

I HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT,
I EXPECT MY AFTERSHAVE

WILL LINGER ON MY BILL
PAD FOR A COUPLE OF SALES.

AFTER THAT, NOTHING.

OH, WHAT DEPRESSING
CONVERSATION.

YES, I AGREE, AND
ISN'T IT LIKE THAT.



IT ISN'T JUST TEETH
MARKS IN A CAKE.

THINK OF ALL THE HAPPY
MEMORIES HE LEFT BEHIND.

YES, LET'S EACH THINK
OF A HAPPY MEMORY.

WHAT SORT OF A MEMORY?

ANYTHING THAT HE DID OR
SAID THAT WAS UNFORGETTABLE.

- WHO?
- Lucas: TEBBS!

THE OLD ASSISTANT WE'VE JUST
GIVEN THIS FAREWELL PARTY FOR.

OH, HIM, HE NEVER SAID
ANYTHING UNFORGETTABLE.

HE MUST HAVE DONE.

IF HE DID, I'M DAMNED
IF I CAN REMEMBER IT.

- I REMEMBER SOMETHING.
- GOOD. YOU SEE,

WHEN YOU TRY IT ALL
COMES FLOODING BACK.

WHAT WAS IT?

HE USED TO SHOVEL HIS CUSTARD
UP LIKE A BUCKET DREDGER.

- THAT'S AWFUL.
- WHO DO YOU THINK IS
GOING TO GET THE JOB?

NAMES HAVE BEEN MENTIONED
ON THE SIXTH FLOOR.

- WHOSE?
- I'M NOT AT LIBERTY TO TELL.

- YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW.
- AS SENIOR MANAGEMENT,
OF COURSE I KNOW.

IF YOU DON'T TELL US WHO
IT IS, WE'LL NEVER KNOW

- WHETHER YOU KNEW
OR NOT, WILL WE?
- VERY WELL,

BUT YOU MUST TREAT THIS
AS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL.

THEY'RE GOING TO
ADVERTISE FOR A NEW MAN.

WELL, THAT'S THE LIMIT!

I'VE BEEN HERE 16
YEARS, MAN AND BOY...

MOSTLY BOY.

AT LEAST YOU'D THINK
THEY'D HAVE THE COURTESY

TO PAY ME THE COMPLIMENT
OF CONSIDERING ME!

INSTEAD OF CASTING YOU ASIDE
LIKE A WRINKLED OLD TOMATO

FOUND GOING MOLDY AT
THE BACK OF THE FRIDGE.

MR. LUCAS, THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING ELSE THAT'S CAST ASIDE

THAT'S MORE
ATTRACTIVE THAN THAT.

MR. HUMPHRIES, THE
POST THEY'RE ADVERTISING

IS THE JUNIOR.

THEY CAN'T DO
THAT, I'M THE JUNIOR.

MR. GRACE, IN HIS WISDOM,

HAS DECREED THAT YOU WILL BE
TAKING OVER FOR MR. HUMPHRIES.

- MR. HUMPHRIES?
- WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES GOING?

MR. HUMPHRIES IS TO
BE THE NEW SENIOR.

- NO!
- YES.

- YOU'RE JOKING.
- I'M NOT.

CROSS YOUR HEART
AND HOPE TO DIE!

SCOUT'S HONOR.

( sobs )

I'M SO HAPPY.

OH, OH.

IT'S STARTED MY LEG OFF.

THIS HASN'T HAPPENED TO ME
SINCE I WAS A PREFECT IN MY PRIMARY.

IS THERE ANYTHING
WE CAN DO TO STOP IT?

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'LL
TURN TO HICCUPS IN A MINUTE.

- ( hiccups ) TOLD YOU.
- NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

MY TEACHER, MISS HASWELL,

SHE USED TO GET ONE OF THE
BOYS TO CREEP UP BEHIND ME

AND GIVE ME A SURPRISE.

DID IT WORK?

NO, BUT HE STILL WRITES
TO ME FROM CAPRI.

( hiccups )

ARE THEY FEELING BETTER NOW?

YES. THEY'RE MUCH,
MUCH BETTER, YES.

YOU KNOW, IT ALWAYS
HAPPENS JUST BEFORE A STORM.

MY BRAIN PICKS UP THE
ELECTRICAL VIBRATIONS

AND SENDS A MESSAGE
DOWN TO MY BUNIONS

AND THEY START THROBBING.

BUT IT'S A LOVELY DAY.
THE STORM WAS LAST NIGHT.

IT TAKES A LONG TIME

TO GET A MESSAGE TO
ANY PART OF MY BODY.

DRAT, MY SUSPENDER'S GONE.

OOH. OOH!

THAT MESSAGE GOT
THROUGH QUICKLY ENOUGH.

IT DIDN'T HAVE SO
FAR TO GO, DID IT?

( phone rings )

HELLO?

RUMBOLD HERE, SIR.

I'M AFRAID I MUST
HAVE A DECISION,

YOU WERE GOING TO MAKE
UP YOUR MIND AS TO WHETHER

MR. HUMPHRIES WAS TAKING
OVER AS SENIOR SALESMAN.

THE QUESTION IS,
IS HE OR ISN'T HE?

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
ASKING ME THAT FOR YEARS.

WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD
PUT HIM ON PROBATION.

I DIDN'T KNOW THE
CASE HAD COME UP.

ANYWAY, I CAN'T STOP
HERE CHATTING WITH YOU,

I'VE GOT... I'M IN HOT
WATER WITH MY NURSE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, SIR?

- MORE HOT WATER, SIR?
- YES.

THANK YOU, SIR.

HERE WE ARE, SIR.

I THINK YOU'LL FIND
THAT'S ALL RIGHT NOW.

YES, WOULD YOU LEAVE
NOW, MR. HARMAN?

- I HAVE A MEETING TO DISCUSS
A CONFIDENTIAL MATTER.
- OH, I SEE.

JUST 'CAUSE I'M A HUMBLE MEMBER OF THE
PACKING AND MAINTENANCE DEPARTMENT,

I'M NOT SUPPOSE TO KNOW WHAT THE
HIGHER "ECKYLON" IS TALKING ABOUT.

- YOU COULD PUT IT LIKE THAT.
- WE'RE OUTSIDE, SIR.

PEOPLE WHO KNOCK
USUALLY ARE. COME IN.

SEEING AS THIS IS A
CONFIDENTIAL MEETING,

I SHALL WIPE FROM MY MIND
THE FACT THAT I HAVE SEEN YOU.

I'M SO SORRY.

NOW, I HAVE SOME NEWS FOR YOU

REGARDING THE VACANCY
ON THE MEN'S COUNTER.

I HAVE BEEN
OFFICIALLY AUTHORIZED

TO OFFER THE POST
TO MR. HUMPHRIES.

MAY I BE THE FIRST TO
CONGRATULATE YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES?

- THANK YOU.
- YES, CONGRATULATIONS INDEED.

IT'S NOT OFTEN A MAN OF
YOUR AGE GETS THIS POSITION,

- HOW DOES IT FEEL?
- ( sobbing )

HE SAYS HE'S VERY HAPPY.

( sobbing )

COULD HE PLEASE GO,
AND PHONE HIS MOTHER?

( sobbing )

- WHAT DID HE SAY THEN?
- I DON'T KNOW.

I SAID, "IS THERE
ANY MORE MONEY?"

YOU WILL RECEIVE GRADE H4B

WITH INCREMENT AND
LONDON WEIGHTING.

- HOW MUCH IS THAT?
- THAT IS BETWEEN

MR. HUMPHRIES AND
THE MANAGEMENT.

BUT I DO HAVE THE FIGURE
WRITTEN DOWN HERE.

( sobbing )

THIS WILL, OF
COURSE, LEAVE A GAP

IN THE MEN ON THE COUNTER,

AND THERE HAVE BEEN NUMEROUS
DISCUSSIONS AT THE BOARDROOM LEVEL

AS TO WHO SHOULD TAKE
OVER MR. HUMPHRIES POSITION.

IT WAS SUGGESTED THAT WE
SHOULD ASK MR. HUMPHRIES

IF MR. LUCAS IS CAPABLE.

THE QUESTION IS,
IS HE READY FOR IT?

- I'M READY FOR IT.
- WE WEREN'T ASKING YOU,
MR. LUCAS.

PERHAPS IT WOULD
BE MORE TO THE POINT

IF YOU ASK ME WHAT I THINK. I
DON'T THINK HE'S READY FOR IT.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
AS SENIOR ASSISTANT,

I THINK IT'S UP TO ME TO DECIDE
WHETHER HE'S READY FOR IT.

I ENTIRELY AGREE
WITH MR. HUMPHRIES.

I DON'T WANT THE FACT THAT
I'M MR. HUMPHRIES' BEST FRIEND

- TO INFLUENCE HIM
ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.
- YOU'RE NOT AND IT WON'T.

WELL, IS HE READY FOR IT?

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY,

HE'S READY AS HE'LL EVER BE.

I DO BELIEVE IN GIVING
YOUTH A CHANCE.

MR. LUCAS, YOU HAVE THE POST.

AND, HERE IS YOUR INCREASE.

( sobs )

A POUND IS NOT TO BE SNEEZED AT.

MAY I ASK, WHO'LL BE
TAKING MR. LUCAS' PLACE?

AH, WE SHALL
ADVERTISE IN THE PRESS,

SAYING THAT WE NEED A WORTHY
REPLACEMENT FOR MR. LUCAS.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, MAY I
SUGGEST AN ADVERTISEMENT

IN THE AGONY
COLUMN OF THE BEANO?

ON BEHALF OF THE
LADIES DEPARTMENT,

MAY I CONGRATULATE YOU ON
YOUR PROMOTION, MR. HUMPHRIES?

YOU WERE ALWAYS A
CUT ABOVE THE REST.

I'M GLAD YOU'VE GOT ON.

THANK YOU. YOU'LL FORGIVE
ME IF I DON'T MAKE A SPEECH.

IT'S BEEN A VERY
EMOTIONAL MORNING.

IT'S NOT OVER YET,
MR. HUMPHRIES,

YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR
PLACE AT THE COUNTER,

IN THE SENIOR POSITION.

HERE WE GO.

I FEEL LIKE A BRIDE
WALKING DOWN THE AISLE.

OH LOOK, ALL THE
FLOOR'S WORN AWAY

WHERE THE SENIORS HAVE STOOD.

THE HANDING OVER
CEREMONY, MR. HARMAN.

AYE, YOUR HONOR!

YES, YOUR FITTERS' PINCUSHION

AND YOUR CHALK FOR
MADE-TO-MEASURE FITTINGS,

AND OF COURSE, YOUR TAPE.

NOT IN THE POCKET,
MR. HUMPHRIES,

THE SENIOR ASSISTANT IS ALLOWED
TO WEAR IT AROUND HIS NECK.

OH.

MY LEG'S GONE AGAIN.

MR. LUCAS, YOU TOO HAVE
A NEW POSITION TO TAKE UP.

OF COURSE.

THAT'S THE EASIEST
QUID YOU'VE EVER EARNED.

WE EXPECT TO HAVE
SOME CANDIDATES

FOR THE NEW POST BY THURSDAY.

MR. RUMBOLD IS MOST ANXIOUS

THAT THE NEW MAN
SHOULD FIT INTO THE TEAM,

SO HE'D LIKE US TO STAY BEHIND
AFTER CLOSING TIME THAT EVENING

TO INTERVIEW THE APPLICANTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE
ASSISTANT SALESMAN'S TEA BREAK.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
- MY TEA BREAK.

YOU'RE NOT THE
ASSISTANT, MR. HUMPHRIES,

YOU'RE THE SENIOR.

- WHEN'S THE SENIOR'S TEA BREAK?
- AN HOUR AGO, YOU MISSED IT.

IT'S NOT ALL ROSES
AT THE TOP, IS IT?

( murmuring )

NOW, THE CANDIDATES
ARE ALL IN MY OFFICE.

SO, MR. HARMAN, IF YOU'LL
INTRODUCE THEM FOR US, WE CAN BEGIN.

VERY GOOD, SIR. WARWICK'S
GOING TO GIVE ME A HAND.

- ARE YOU STANDING BY, WARWICK?
- I'M STANDING BY.

CALL IN MR. WEBSTER.

CALLING, MR. WEBSTER.

MR. RODNEY WEBSTER: 26
YEARS WITH DERRY AND TOMS

COVERING HABERDASHERY,
STATIONERY AND NOTIONS;

10 YEARS WITH
PONTINGS IN FABRICS;

TWO YEARS AT GAMAGES
IN GARDEN SHEDS;

RECENTLY WORKING AT
THE BOW-WOW PET SHOP;

TOUTING BROADWAY;
TEMPORARILY UNEMPLOYED.

MR. WEBSTER, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

AYE?

- HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- 48.

AND WHY DID YOU LEAVE YOUR
POSITION AT THE PET SHOP?

I WAS SAVAGED BY A HAMSTER.

YOU DO LOOK RATHER
DELICATE, MR. WEBSTER.

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE UP
TO AN EIGHT-HOUR DAY?

- YOU CAN'T SIT DOWN,
YOU KNOW?
- OH,

THIS IS THE FIRST
TIME I'VE SAT DOWN

SINCE I WAS SAVAGED
BY THAT HAMSTER.

HOW'S YOUR PRODUCT KNOWLEDGE?

WHAT'S THAT?

CAN YOU TELL ME
HOW THE FOLLOWING

DIFFER ONE FROM
ANOTHER... NYLON, ORLON,

BANLON AND TIGON?

I HAVEN'T GOT THE JOB, HAVE I?

WELL, WE DO HAVE ONE OR
TWO MORE PEOPLE TO SEE.

HOW SHALL WE LEAVE IT THEN?

- WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.
- GOD BLESS YOU, SIR.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I LIVE IN A PACKING CASE

IN COVENT GARDEN.

YOU CAN'T MISS IT,

IT'S GOT "BANANAS"
WRITTEN OVER IT.

OH, YES, AND IT'S THE
ONLY ONE WITH A CHIMNEY.

THAT COULD BE ANY ONE OF US.

AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS
AT DERRY AND TOMS,

TO BE REDUCED TO THAT.

GO AFTER HIM, MR. HARMAN,

AND SEE IF HE'D LIKE A
CUP OF TEA IN THE CANTEEN.

HE'S BEEN HERE SINCE 3:00.
HE'S HAD FOUR SHEPHERD'S PIES,

15 CUPS OF TEA AND
AN APPLE CRUMBLE.

THEN HE DID A SONG
AND DANCE WITH SPOONS

AND COLLECTED SIX QUID,
SO I RECKON HE'S ALL RIGHT.

WELL, NEXT PLEASE.

VERY GOOD. CALLING
MR. BEAUCHAMP.

CALLING MR. BEAUCHAMP.

MR. BEAUCHAMP HAS BEEN
EMPLOYED BY THE FOLLOWING FIRMS...

IT'S PRONOUNCED BEECHAM

AND I'LL GIVE YOU A RESUME OF MY
CAREER MYSELF, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

WELL NOW, I'VE WORKED IN
SIMPLY OODLES OF SHOPS,

MOSTLY CONTINENTAL,

INCLUDING FASHION DES
HOMMES OF WORKING.

AND THEN...

THEN I WAS AT MAISON
JAQUES OF ST. ALBANS

FOR FIVE GHASTLY YEARS.

AND THEN BOUTIQUE BON
MARCHE AT BOGNOR REGIS.

OH... HOW BROWN WE GOT!

BUT I THINK I REACHED MY PEAK

AT HARRODS IN MEN'S UNDIES.

OH, WHAT BLISS.

THE LIGHTS, THE MUSIC,

THE SECURITY CAMERAS,

THE TYCOONS WITH THEIR CIGARS,

THE BARGAINING ARABS JOSTLING
WITH EACH OTHER JOYFULLY.

OH, WHAT A COSMOPOLITAN
COLORFUL WORLD.

I WAS LOATH TO LEAVE IT.

YOU WON'T FIND ANYTHING
LIKE THAT AT GRACE BROTHERS.

THANK YOU. WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.

I SEE. THANK YOU
VERY MUCH INDEED.

WHY DID YOU GET RID
OF HIM SO QUICKLY?

WE DON'T WANT
PEOPLE LIKE THAT HERE.

CAN WE HAVE THE NEXT ONE PLEASE?

THERE ISN'T A NEXT. THAT WAS IT.

BUT THERE WERE HALF A
DOZEN CANDIDATES IN MY OFFICE.

YEAH WELL, UNFORTUNATELY ONE OF
THEM WENT THROUGH YOUR DRAWERS,

AND FOUND YOUR PAY SLIP,

AND THEY RECKONED IF
THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU GOT,

THEY'D BE ON STARVATION
LEVELS, SO THEY OFFED.

BUT ALL THE ONES WE SAW
WAS TOO OLD FOR A JUNIOR.

WE DIDN'T PUT "JUNIOR"
IN THE ADVERTISEMENT.

THE WORD "JUNIOR" WOULD
HAVE COST ANOTHER £4.

AND YOUNG MR. GRACE HAS
TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE.

- WE CAN ALL
GO HOME THEN, CAN'T WE?
- ( elevator dings )

- I'M NOT TOO LATE, AM I?
- IT DEPENDS WHAT
YOU'VE COME FOR?

I'VE COME TO
FULFILL THE VACANCY,

IN REPLY TO THE ADVERTISEMENT.

OH, I SEE YOU'VE GOT

PLENTY OF APPLICANTS
HERE ALREADY.

I BEG YOUR PARDON.
WE ARE THE STAFF.

WHAT A MISTAKE TO MAKE

BEFORE I'VE EVEN STARTED.

- SHALL I GO?
- NO, NO, NO. OF COURSE NOT.

- PLEASE TAKE A SEAT.
- THANK YOU.

THAT IS OUR SENIOR
SALESLADY MRS. SLOCOMBE.

CHARMING. IT'S AN
HONOR TO MEET YOU.

MISS BRAHMS, HER JUNIOR.

- HER ASSISTANT!
- DELIGHTFUL!

- MR. LUCAS.
- SENIOR ASSISTANT.

- SMART YOUNG MAN.
- AND MR. HUMPHRIES

HEAD OF THE MEN'S DEPARTMENT.

SO HIGH UP, SO YOUNG.

SO FAR SO GOOD.

AND FINALLY OUR FLOOR WALKER...

DON'T TELL ME! I KNOW THAT FACE.

I'M GOING BACK 35 YEARS.

I'M AT CATTERICK,

I WALK INTO A NISSEN HUT,

AND THERE YOU ARE,
STANDING ON YOUR BED

IN YOUR SHIRTTAILS
WITH YOUR HAT ON.

I'VE GOT IT, I'VE GOT
IT, CORPORAL PEACOCK.

IT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT?

I WAS AT CATTERICK
IN MY EARLY DAYS, YES.

AND I WAS A CORPORAL
FOR A FEW WEEKS.

A FEW WEEKS?!

WHEN WE WENT TO EGYPT TOGETHER

YOU WERE STILL A CORPORAL.

WE BOTH GOT A CUSHY
JOB IN THE COOKHOUSE.

IS IT COMING BACK NOW?

I THINK IT'S GOING FURTHER AWAY.

YOU REMEMBER ME, HARRY GOLDBERG?

I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF
EVER SEEING YOU IN MY LIFE BEFORE.

OH... I'M SORRY.

THE MEMORY DOES
PLAY FUNNY TRICKS.

IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

I'VE OBVIOUSLY MADE A MISTAKE.

THIS GENTLEMAN
IS CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

WHO ACTUALLY FOUGHT
HAND-TO-HAND WITH ROMMEL'S ARMY.

OH.

WE ALWAYS WONDERED
WHAT HE DID IN HIS SPARE TIME.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK
IS IT? ( chuckles )

NO, NO, THIS ONE COULD NEVER

HAVE BECOME A
CAPTAIN. NO, NO, NO.

COULDN'T HAVE BEEN
YOU, SIR. I'M SORRY.

WELL, NOW WE'VE
GOT THAT SORTED OUT,

CAN WE GET ON? I'VE
GOT TO GET HOME.

IF MY PUSSY ISN'T
ATTENDED TO BY 8:00,

I SHALL BE STROKING IT FOR THE
REST OF THE EVENING TO CALM IT DOWN.

HAVE I COME AT AN
AWKWARD MOMENT?

NO, INDEED NOT. YOU'RE
THE LAST CANDIDATE.

PERHAPS WE COULD HEAR
YOUR QUALIFICATIONS?

WELL, I'VE HAD A
LOT OF EXPERIENCE

IN THE RETAIL AND
CLOTHING TRADE.

I'M A QUALIFIED
CUTTER AND FITTER,

AND I HAD MY OWN
ESTABLISHMENT FOR SOME YEARS.

OH, WHY DID YOU GIVE IT UP?

PERHAPS THE WHEELS
FELL OFF HIS BARROW.

OH, GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR!

SHOULD I BE LUCKY
ENOUGH TO GET THE JOB,

I SHALL ENJOY WORKING HERE.

SO, YOU HAD YOUR OWN
PLACE. WOULD WE KNOW IT?

WELL, I DOUBT IT.

IT WAS OVER A FISH AND
CHIP SHOP IN BERMONDSEY.

MIND YOU, EVERYONE
KNEW MY SUITS.

BY THE AROMA OF FISH AND CHIPS?

NO, BY THE CUT.

YES, BUT IF IT WAS SO SUCCESSFUL,
WHY DID YOU GIVE IT UP?

THE FAT CAUGHT FIRE,

THERE WAS A CONFLAGRATION,

TAKING THE WHOLE OF MY
STOCK WITH IT. I WAS RUINED.

OH, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

YESTERDAY!

I'M AFRAID WE OMITTED TO
PUT IN OUR ADVERTISEMENT

THAT THE POST ON OFFER
WAS THAT OF A JUNIOR.

JUNIOR, SENIOR,

IT'S SUCH BEAUTIFUL
SURROUNDINGS HERE,

AND TO WORK AMONG
SUCH NICE PEOPLE

WOULD BE A PRIVILEGE.

AND THAT IS THE SALARY.

A DAY?

A WEEK.

ARE YOU WORKING FOR AN
AWARD FOR FIGHTING INFLATION?

ON TOP OF THAT YOU
DO GET COMMISSION.

AND OF COURSE, IT IS REGULAR.

AND THERE ARE
HOLIDAYS AND A PENSION.

I'LL TAKE IT... SHOULD
I BE LUCKY ENOUGH

TO SECURE THE APPOINTMENT.

IF YOU LEAVE YOUR
ADDRESS, WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.

- I HAVE MY CARD.
- OH.

THERE WE ARE. FORTUNATELY
THE LETTERBOX IS STILL STANDING.

GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Lucas: GOOD NIGHT.

I'M SORRY I MISTOOK YOU

FOR SOMEONE I SPENT
FOUR YEARS WITH...

SLEEPING IN THE SAME TENT,

EATING THE SAME FOOD,
DOING THE SAME JANKERS.

STRANGE THE TRICKS
THE MIND CAN PLAY.

( growls )

OF COURSE I THINK HE'S
TOTALLY UNSUITABLE.

WELL, IT'S THE BEST
WE'VE SEEN SO FAR.

- I PREFERRED MR. BEAUCHAMP.
- YOU DIDN'T, DID YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES?

I MOST CERTAINLY
DID NOT, MR. LUCAS.

OF COURSE, IT'S JUST A PERSONAL
DISLIKE ON MR. HUMPHRIES' PART.

LET'S HAVE A SHOW OF HANDS.
THOSE IN FAVOR OF MR. BEAUCHAMP.

AGAINST?

I'M AFRAID THE NOs HAVE IT.

I MUST SAY MY HEART WENT OUT

TO THAT CHARMING OLD
GENTLEMAN WHO CAME IN FIRST.

THE ONE WHO'S DOSSING DOWN IN
A PACKING CASE IN COVENT GARDEN?

I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT THAT A MAN'S
BACKGROUND SHOULD BE HELD AGAINST HIM,

HE WAS WILLING, HE HAD A
NICE SMILE, HE WAS COURTEOUS.

AND HE WASN'T IN THE ARMY.

THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

IN THAT CASE, LET'S PICK
THE LAST ONE, AND GO HOME.

- ALL THOSE IN FAVOR?
- Mrs. Slocombe:
CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY.

EXCEPT FOR CORPORAL PEACOCK!

GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

Peacock: I KNOW NOTHING THAT'S
GOOD ABOUT MONDAY MORNING.

I'VE HEARD YOU'VE
GOT A NEW JUNIOR.

IS HE TALL, DARK, HANDSOME
AND SEXY? ( chuckles )

NO. HE'S SHORTISH,
STOUTISH AND GREYISH.

JUST MY TYPE.

COME TO THINK OF IT,
ANYTHING'S MY TYPE.

EVEN YOU! ( cackles )

COME ON, ETHYL.

- GOOD MORNING, LADIES.
- GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MORNING, CORPORAL.

MISS BRAHMS, LET'S NIP
THIS IN THE BUD RIGHT NOW.

THAT MAN WAS MISTAKEN,

MY TITLE IS CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

AND AS JUNIOR YOU WILL
CONTINUE TO ADDRESS ME AS SUCH.

NOW SIGN THE BOOK AND
GET TO YOUR COUNTER.

YES, CAPTAIN.

YOU WERE QUITE
RIGHT TO ADMONISH HER.

SHE GETS FAR TOO FAMILIAR.

STRICTLY BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

WERE YOU IN THE ARMY
WITH MR. GOLDBERG?

IT WAS 35 YEARS
AGO, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

CAN YOU REMEMBER
WHO YOU WORKED WITH

AT LYONS WHEN YOU WERE A NIPPY?

YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER

MENTION THAT TO A LIVING SOUL!

ANYWAY, IT WAS ONLY FOUR WEEKS,

AND I WAS VERY HARD UP
AND IT WAS A CORNER HOUSE.

- WHAT'S A NIPPY,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
- SHUT UP.

( elevator dings )

OH, GOOD MORNING, MR. LUCAS.

GOOD MORNING, CORP...
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'M GLAD TO SEE THAT
YOUR NEW RESPONSIBILITY

HAS ENCOURAGED
YOU TO COME IN ON TIME.

WITH THE EXTRA POUND
A WEEK I'M GETTING,

I CAN NOW AFFORD TO COME ON
THE BUS INSTEAD OF HITCHHIKING.

GOOD MORNING, ALL.

Peacock: GOOD
MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES.

BLIMEY! HE'S
TAKING IT SERIOUSLY.

HE'S GOT HIS SENIOR
ASSISTANT'S HOMBURG.

THAT MUST HAVE
SET HIM BACK A BIT.

YOU LOOK VERY
SMART, MR. HUMPHRIES.

THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, MY
MOTHER BURST INTO TEARS

ON THE DOORSTEP THIS MORNING.

I EXPECT THAT WAS BECAUSE
SHE WAS SO PROUD OF YOU.

YES, COUPLED WITH THE FACT

THAT I SPENT THE MILK
MONEY ON A NEW HAT.

- GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.
- All: GOOD MORNING,
MR. GOLDBERG.

MY FIRST DAY... IT'S
VERY EXCITING FOR ME.

WHERE SHALL I PUT MY COAT?

THE JUNIOR'S PEG. IT'S
THROUGH THAT PASSAGE.

- I'LL TAKE IT
FOR YOU, MR. GOLDBERG.
- CALL ME HARRY.

NO, CALL HIM MR. GOLDBERG.

AT GRACE BROTHERS, WE
ARE ONLY ON FIRST NAME TERMS

OUTSIDE WORKING HOURS,

AND THEN ONLY AFTER
A LONG ASSOCIATION.

YES, THAT'S QUITE CORRECT.
THAT'S CLASS, STYLE.

THAT'S HOW A BEAUTIFUL
STORE LIKE THIS

GETS ITS REPUTATION.

- WHERE DO I STAND?
- YOU DON'T.

YOU SIGN THE BOOK FIRST,

YOU'LL FIND A TAPE AND A
BILL PAD IN YOUR DRAWER.

YOU WILL NOT, HOWEVER, WEAR
THE TAPE AROUND YOUR NECK.

ONLY MR. HUMPHRIES IS
ALLOWED THAT PRIVILEGE.

MR. HUMPHRIES AND MR. LUCAS
WILL EXPLAIN YOUR DUTIES.

I HAVE TO GO AND
SEE MR. RUMBOLD.

( bell sounds )

- THAT'S THE OPENING BELL.
- OH, THANK HEAVENS!

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE
FAT CAUGHT ALIGHT AGAIN!

YOUR PLACES, EVERYONE.
THE PUBLIC WILL BE COMING IN.

HE'S A RIGHT TARTAR, ISN'T HE?

MIND YOU, SO WAS
THE MAN WHO HE ISN'T.

THAT'S WHAT AUTHORITY
DOES TO PEOPLE.

IT'S NOT GOING TO DO IT TO ME.

I AM GOING TO STAY THE
SAME KIND, UNDERSTANDING...

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO
DISGRACEFUL AS THAT GLOVE DRAWER.

- GET IT TIDIED UP AT ONCE.
- I WAS JUST TOTALING UP
MY MONTH'S FIGURES.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
DONE THAT LAST WEEK.

THE BATTERY ON MY
CALCULATOR WENT.

MR. LUCAS, MR. LUCAS.
PLEASE, WOULD YOU ALLOW ME?

WOULD YOU? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THERE WE ARE. THERE WE ARE.

( murmuring )

AH, THERE WE ARE.

YOU SEE? SIMPLE!

IF YOU... I'LL TIDY YOUR DRAWERS

IF YOU SHOW ME MY DUTIES.

THERE'S JUST ONE THING. AS FAR
AS THE COMMISSION IS CONCERNED

THAT'S CALCULATED ON
OUR INDIVIDUAL SALES

AT THE END OF THE WEEK.

SO, THEREFORE, WHEN
THE CUSTOMERS COME IN,

I GET FIRST CRACK, MR. LUCAS
GOES SECOND AND YOU GO THIRD.

SUPPOSE THEY ASK
FOR ME PERSONALLY?

THAT WON'T ARISE UNTIL
YOU'VE BUILT UP A CLIENTELE.

WOULDN'T YOU RATHER
SPLIT THE COMMISSION

THREE WAYS AT THE
END OF THE WEEK?

NO, THANK YOU, THIS IS THE
WAY WE'VE ALWAYS DONE IT,

AND THIS IS THE WAY WE'RE GOING
TO CARRY ON. RIGHT, MR. LUCAS?

- ENTIRELY, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- SO BE IT!

- ( elevator dings )
- HARRY BOY, GREAT TO SEE YA!

- HARRY!
- HELLO.

NICE TO SEE YOU, HARRY.

THIS IS A NICE PLACE. YOU'RE
COMING ON IN THE WORLD.

BEAUTIFUL MERCHANDISE, HARRY.

- CLASSY MATERIAL.
- COMPETITIVE PRICES.

DO YOU GIVE FIVE
PERCENT OFF FOR CASH?

FIVE PERCENT? HERE,
NONE OF THAT, NO!

THIS IS STRICTLY ON THE LEVEL.

NO... NO DISCOUNTS.

I HEARD ABOUT THE FIRE.

I THOUGHT THE FIRE
WASN'T UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

I BROUGHT IT FORWARD.

I'LL HAVE THIS VICUNA COAT.

THAT'S £500.

HARRY, HAVE YOU GOT SIX OF
THESE SILK SHIRTS IN MY SIZE?

THAT MAKES IT 650!

THAT'S A CLASSY SUIT.

- JUST WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.
- THAT'S £800!

HEY, HARRY, I'D LIKE A
CROCODILE BRIEFCASE,

WITH MATCHING SHOES IN
BLACK. I'M GOING TO A FUNERAL.

HEY, THAT'S 1,200 QUID.
THINK OF THE COMMISSION!

THINK OF HIS COMMISSION.
CAN WE BE OF ANY ASSISTANCE?

START WRAPPING THESE THINGS
UP BEFORE THE HACKNEY MOB GET IN.

YOU'LL NEED SOME CUFFLINKS
TO GO WITH THOSE SHIRTS?

PUT SOME CUFFLINKS
WITH THESE SHIRTS.

AND SOME SOCKS, YOU'LL NEED
SOME SOCKS TO GO WITH THAT SUIT.

IT'S A VERY UNUSUAL
COLOR. SOCKS, MR. LUCAS.

- HOW MANY?
- HOW MAN... TWO!

HOW MANY DOES A PERSON WEAR?

THE FIGURES HAVE BEEN
VERY GOOD, RUMBOLD.

THEY HAVE INDEED, SIR.
BEST WEEK OF THE YEAR.

OF COURSE THIS IS PARTLY DUE TO THE
PRESENCE OF OUR NEW COUNTER HAND.

WHAT ABOUT, GIVING
HIM A NICE RISE?

SAY SEVEN AND SIX A WEEK?

WE'LL HAVE TO DO RATHER
MORE THAN THAT, SIR.

IN FACT, HE WANTS MORE MONEY
THAN OUR SENIOR SALESMAN,

OTHERWISE WE'RE
GOING TO LOSE HIM.

- WELL, PAY HIM.
- IF I DO THAT, SIR,

CAPTAIN PEACOCK HAS
THREATENED TO LEAD A WALKOUT.

WELL, SORT IT OUT, RUMBOLD.

( knocking )

ENTER.

MAY WE SEE YOU FOR A
MOMENT, MR. RUMBOLD?

CERTAINLY. WHAT'S THE TROUBLE?

WE JUST WANT TO MAKE
IT ABSOLUTELY CLEAR

THAT WE HAVE NO INTENTION

OF WALKING OUT
WITH CAPTAIN PEACOCK

AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT.

WE LIKE MR. GOLDBERG.

- YEAH, HE'S TAKING HER
TO THE PICTURES TONIGHT.
- SHUT UP.

BUT IF I PAY HIM THE
MONEY HE'S ASKING,

I'LL HAVE TO MAKE
HIM SENIOR SALESMAN.

I DON'T MIND THAT. AT HIS AGE,
HE OUGHT TO BE SENIOR SALESMAN.

BESIDES, I DON'T THINK I'M
TEMPERAMENTALLY SUITED FOR IT.

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T
SLEPT FOR A WEEK,

AND I'M GETTING SILVER
THREADS AMONGST THE GOLD.

WE DON'T MIND GOING
BACK TO OUR OLD WAGES

BECAUSE HE'S SHARING
HIS COMMISSION.

BUT I CAN'T PROMOTE MR. GOLDBERG

WITHOUT THE CONSENT
OF CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MR. GOLDBERG SAYS HE MIGHT
BE ABLE TO ARRANGE THAT.

AH.

I UNDERSTAND YOU WON'T BE
WITH US NEXT WEEK, MR. GOLDBERG.

- VERY REGRETTABLE.
- YES, I WOULD LIKE
TO HAVE STAYED,

BUT I GATHER THERE
WAS SOME VERY STRONG

OPPOSITION FROM
A SENIOR EXECUTIVE.

INDEED. WHAT A PITY.

YES, SO I THOUGHT,
"WELL, I'D LIKE TO LEAVE

A LITTLE MEMENTO
OF ME TO THE STAFF."

AND I WAS LOOKING
IN AN OLD SCRAPBOOK.

AND WOULD YOU
BELIEVE IT, I FOUND...

I FOUND THIS PHOTO OF ME

WITH THAT CORPORAL I SO
FOOLISHLY THOUGHT WAS YOU.

- OH, YES?
- YEAH, YEAH.

IT'S VERY INTERESTING.

IN FACT, IF YOU LOOKED AT IT

THROUGH THIS MAGNIFYING GLASS

YOU'LL SEE...

THAT ON CORPORAL
PEACOCK'S RIGHT ARM

THERE'S A MOTTO,

AND IT SAYS... A TATTOO...

AND IT SAYS, "DEATH
BEFORE DISHONOR."

TATTOO MARKS ARE VERY DIFFICULT

TO GET RID OF, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

YES, SO, I THOUGHT THE STAFF

WOULD LIKE TO HAVE THIS PHOTO...

IF I GO.

SHOULD I STAY...

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO HAVE IT.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, MAY
WE HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?

IT'S ABOUT MR. GOLDBERG.

YES, WELL,

I'VE JUST BEEN HAVING A
LITTLE TÊTE-À-TÊTE WITH HIM,

AND I THINK IT WOULD BE TO THE ADVANTAGE
OF US ALL IF HE WERE TO STAY WITH US.

- OH, SPLENDID!
- HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU?

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪