Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 6, Episode 6 - Happy Returns - full transcript

♫ Ground floor: Perfumery,
stationery, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor: Telephones,
gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

Enter.

Morning, Mr. Rumbold.

The staff, as requested, 8:30 precisely.

Excellent, excellent.

Tell them all to come in.

I can't tell 'em to come in.

I mean, I'm subservient.



If I tell 'em to come in,
I shall fracture protocol.

I am a blue collar worker and
they is white collar workers.

Now, a blue collar worker can
ask a white collar worker.

But on the other hand,
a white collar worker

can tell a blue collar worker.

But if they do, they have
to do it very, very nicely,

otherwise you get a punch of five
right up the rooter like that.

No, however you do it, Mr. Harmon,

please arrange for them to come in here.

With the greatest of pleasure.

Right, you mob, in here!

Good morning, Mr. Rumbold.

I hope you don't mind if we bring in

our coffee and biscuits, sir.



Well, I suppose it's all right.

When I was a junior and Mr.
Prentice sat in this chair,

I certainly would never have dreamt of it.

Yes, we all had a great
respect for Mr. Prentice.

Well, in any case, don't drop the crumbs

all over the floor.

I find if you dunk them,
they don't fuff about.

What does fuff about mean?

It's what crumbs do
and you've just done it.

Don't bother with
that now, Mr. Humphries.

Now, today is a red letter day

in the Grace Brothers calendar,

for today is Young Mr. Grace's birthday,

and you know the tradition.

On his way up to the boardroom,

Young Mr. Grace stops on every floor.

As the lift gates open,
every department carols forth

its birthday greetings by
singing Happy Birthday to You.

This makes Young Mr. Grace very happy.

Any questions?

Yes, Mr. Humphries?

Mr. Rumbold, while I was
on my knees under your desk,

I couldn't help noticing
something that indicated to me

that you must've got
dressed in a terrible hurry.

Oh really?

What was that?

Only a keen eye would notice it.

Well, what was it?

Yeah, don't keep us in suspense.

I wish I hadn't mentioned it now.

Well, what is it?

You've got odd socks on.

Mr. Prentice would
never have worn odd socks.

Well, nobody's going
to notice my odd socks.

- To be certain, does Mr.
Grace intend to continue

the other well-honored tradition?

Oh yes, yes.

We shall all be getting
our birthday bonus.

So, what it boils down to
is that we've been called in

at 8:30 to get a two bob bit
and hear the amazing news

that you've got odd socks on.

I'm not unaware of the
sarcastic note in your voice,

Captain Peacock, but while
we're on the subject of dress,

where are your birthday pompom dahlias?

They haven't arrived yet, sir.

But I made the arrangements personally.

That's probably why
they haven't arrived.

Don't worry, sir.

I sent Mr. Lucas to the florist

and told him to put them on the account.

You exceeded your
authority there, Peacock.

But in the circumstances,
I shall overlook it.

Good heavens, he's due here at any minute.

We'd better take our positions.

I've got the flowers, Captain Peacock.

Ah, quick, gentlemen, put
them in your buttonholes.

Ladies, make your own arrangements.

Mr. Lucas, are you out of your mind?

These are supposed to be pompoms
and these are decoratives.

Well, it was either that or lilies.

And I thought in view of Mr. Grace's age,

lilies might not be very tactful.

If I may make a suggestion,
look, here you are.

Short back and sides,
that should do the trick.

No, no, no, Mr. Harmon.

That makes it look even worse.

Well, at least mine won't fall out.

I've jammed the end me knicker elastic.

Well, I certainly don't intend

to accommodate mine in that fashion.

Flowers are very sensitive, you know.

It might wilt if it found
the end stuck in your navel.

Sir, if I might suggest a solution,

wouldn't it be preferable
from Mr. Grace's point of view

if, when he arrives, we
stand in front of the lift

holding them proudly in our hands?

That should give him
something to remember.

Hush, hush, hush!

They're one floor down in glassware.

You can hear the chant.

♫ Happy birthday to you

Yes, now remember today's
the customary free luncheon,

so we must all be in the canteen

no later than two minutes past 1:00

when Young Mr. Grace will,

of course, be serving us all personally.

Well, I hope he's quicker
than he was last year.

By the time I got it,
my hot pot was cold pot.

I hope the party doesn't go on

as long as it did last year.

I mean, I missed me last bus.

I seem to remember I
gave you a lift home.

Yes, that's why I don't
want to miss me last bus.

He's the only man I know
that can drive, steer,

change gear, and he's still
got two hands left over.

Well, I can't stay too late.

The man next door is
popping in every half-hour

to keep an eye on my pussy.

And after half past 11:00,
his wife won't let him out.

The party starts at 8:00, as usual,

which gives us time to have
the last dress rehearsal

of our birthday show at 5:30.

Quick, he's coming up!

Places everybody, places!

♫ This is the note we start on

♫ To sing Happy Birthday to You

♫ Have you got it?

♫ Yes, we have

♫ And the suspense is killing us

It's stuck!

Nevermind, carry on.

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday Mr. Grace

♫ Happy birthday to you

I'm stuck!

We'll get the doors open.

Harmon, pull them back.

You all right, sir?

Well, it's not very
often an 81-year-old man's

stuck in the lift with
a 19-year-old secretary.

Of course I'm all right, shut the doors.

Oh, Mr. Rumbold?

Yes sir?

My secretary has just seen something

she'd never expected to see.

Oh really, sir?

Yes, you've got odd socks on.

All right, give me those place cards.

Here they are.

Oh, you have written them nicely.

Oh, thank you.

I came top at school in
joined-up handwriting.

What was you best at?

I got an O level in
collecting dinner money.

Mrs. Slocombe, Captain Peacock,

we'll put Mr. Tebbs up at this end.

Here, I don't wanna
sit next to Mr. Lucas.

Why not?

He pinches my bottom.

I'll sit next to Mr. Lucas.

Oh, doesn't the canteen look spotless?

Yes, the flies are all confused.

They're flying around; they
don't know where they are.

Don't waste any money, do they?

Those are last year's flowers.

They're not, you know;
they're the year before's.

How do you know that?

Well, that's the one you
used to stir your tea with

when you couldn't find your pencil.

Those lift girls are
switching tables with us again.

This is the one with the wonky leg.

Now, who's got something about so big?

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

Try a couple of cheese biscuits,

guaranteed indestructible.

Thank you.

Not to mention the cheese.

You can tell it's Mr. Grace's birthday.

Look how nicely they've
decorated the edge.

What do you mean, decorated the edge?

Those are mice teeth marks.

That's from the canteen trap.

Oh, it's disgusting.

You know, we ought to complain.

We can't, it's free.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll all write our initials on it

and if we get it next
year, we'll complain then.

Hey, this has already got some initials

on the back here, look.

There's a heart with an
arrow through it saying,

"Mrs. Slocombe loves Captain Peacock."

That was back in 1964.

The Christmas Party cheese, yes.

Oh, how sad, the passing of the years.

Then young, fresh, and tasty;

now old, tough, leathery, and rejected.

The cheese hasn't aged too well either.

Plates.

Elbows.

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,

be upstanding for Young Mr. Grace,

whose birthday what it is today,

which is why you was having the free nosh.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Good afternoon, Mr. Grace.

Mr. Grace will now hand out

the traditional birthday bonus.

In the year 1893, Mr.
Grace Sr. first presented

a silver florin to each
grateful member of his staff,

and the custom has
continued to this very day.

Pass them down.

Of course, in those days,
a florin was a florin.

In these days of inflation,

it would probably be worth about £10.

But Young Mr. Grace doesn't
want to break with tradition.

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,

Mr. Grace will now say grace.

For what you are about to receive,

may you be truly grateful.

Surely sir, you mean for
what we are about to receive,

may we be truly grateful?

No, no, for what you
are about to receive.

We're lunching at the
the Savoy, aren't we, dear?

That was one of your
suggestions, Mr. Grace.

Yes, well we don't say grace

before the other suggestions, do we?

I'm in good form today.

Oh yes.

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,
the Grace Brothers gruel.

This is a very moving occasion.

It was after the last lot
of Grace Brothers gruel.

My lords, ladies, and
gentlemen, Mr. Grace will now,

as usual, serve the first helping

to the most junior member of the staff.

May I say how truly humbly
grateful I am, Mr. Grace.

May I congratulate you sir

on getting some of it in the plate.

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,

Mr. Grace will now serve
the traditional champagne.

Thank you.

Astro Spematis, 1962,
bottled by British Railway

and bought up as a job lot
when they went over to diesel.

Connoisseurs prefer the diesel.

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,

Mr. Grace will now remove the cork.

Well, this is the eighth time running

I've not been able to open this bottle.

Nevermind.

Put it back in the cellar;
I'll try again next year.

See you all at the party.

Yes, well I'm sure
we can't have more fun

than we've already had, sir.

Yeah, well goodbye.

You've all done very well.

Thank you, Mr. Grace.

Oh, Mr. Grace!

Oh, I'm so sorry sir.

Was it the noise?

No, no, the waste, the expense!

Do you want a doctor, sir?

No, give me a glass
before it's all gone.

Yes, here we are.

Enter.

Oh, customers all gone, Mr. Harmon?

Yes sir.

Mr. Humprhies said he'll be ready
to start rehearsal in a couple of minutes.

Oh, by the way, I've got
your Humpty Dumpty outfit.

Oh, good.

What are the other departments doing?

Well, I sussed out what they're
doing on the other floors.

Haberdashery's doing buttons and bows,

the accounting department are
doing Indian love limericks,

and bathroom fittings,

they're doing excerpts
from Gone with the Wind.

And as a piece de resistance,

Young Mr. Grace has booked
a professional cabaret

to entertain us after
we done our little bit.

Right, now if you'd like to
put this over your head, sir,

I'll get you all ready for the occasion.

- Let's see now.
- Here we are.

There you are.

That's lovely.

That's nice, isn't it?

Well, where's Mr. Rumbold?

Rumbold, he's here.

Oh really, wow.

Well, Rumbold...

Well, good luck with the cabaret tonight.

Come along.

I hope Mr. Humprhies
is right about this idea.

You know, doing a sort of ballet thing

with so little time to rehearse

seems to me rather adventurous.

No, he's in his element
playing the big producer,

I can tell you.

Ooh, he's loves it.

Right, everybody on stage
for the dance of the toys.

Teddy bear, first.

Teddy bear toy?

Mr. Tebbs, are you in there?

Of course I'm in here!

Well, you've got your head on sideways.

Well, I'm looking through the ear.

You're supposed to
look through the mouth!

I know, but when I
look through the mouth,

I can't hear through the ear!

Well, we'll find some way
of getting in touch with you.

Come here.

There.

Now, over here.

That's right.

Now, Little Boy Blue?

Mr. Lucas, it's half past 6:00;

I must check all these costumes.

Mr. Lucas...

Mr. Lucas, why has Little Boy
Blue got a plastic mac on?

Because Little Boy Blue's
tights are too tight.

And his smock is too short.

In fact, Little Boy Blue
is seriously contemplating

on handing in his horn.

I shall be the judge of that.

Let me have a look.

You've done that before, haven't you?

Now, where's Little Girl Alice, Age Four?

Mrs. Slocombe, what are you doing

dressed as Little Girl Alice, Age Four?

You're supposed to be Miss Muffet.

Well, I couldn't get into
the Miss Muffet costume.

What makes you think you got
into Little Alice, Age Four?

Well, it's only supposed
to be make-believe.

We're going to have to
stretch our imaginations.

Now, where's Miss Muffet?

Miss Muffet?

Here I am.

This spider's driving me bonkers.

What's that for?

To sit on.

Miss Brahms, Miss
Muffet sits on a tuffet.

It's about that big.

I'm not sitting on anything
that big in this skirt.

They got a 12-inch
poof in soft furnishings.

I thought he'd have been
in the novelty department.

I need a second opinion on
Little Boy Blue's tights.

Come on, show Miss Brahms.

I didn't see anything out of place.

In these tights, there's no room

for anything to be out of place.

Right, right, now take that mac off.

Now, where's the tin soldier?

Captain Peacock?

Oh, that is nice.

May I ask why Mr. Lucas
is wearing a plastic mac?

Point taken.

Props, Mr. Harmon!

Here you are, one horse coming up,

compliments of the display department.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

Would you care to get
mounted, Captain Peacock?

You don't look at all comfortable.

I'm not.

Can you walk?

Well, can you trot?

Not without irreversible consequences.

Mr. Harmon, this is not good enough.

Well, display went
through a lotta trouble

with that animal.

Pull the reins.

If you don't fancy that,
there's only one other thing.

Warwick, bring up the
alternative transport!

Come on, Warwick.

Mr. Harmon, I can't have my tin soldier

riding around on a sheepdog.

We'll lose all sense of reality.

Well, there's only
one other alternative.

In the toy department,

there's a stick with
a horse's head handle.

Warwick, ask Stafford to
bring it up, will you?

See if you can tell him where it is.

In the meantime, practice with that.

Captain Peacock.

Well, you all look absolutely splendid.

Mr. Lucas, I suppose there
is a very good reason

why Little Boy Blue is
wearing a plastic mac.

There is.

All right, Mr. Rumbold, to the piano.

Oh, right.

Now, we'll go from where

Little Girl Alice, Age Four wakes up.

Into the cot, Mrs. Slocombe.

Push yourself in!

Get off!

That's how they trap
hippopotamuses, you know.

I'll smack your legs in a minute.

Now, let me remind you of the plot.

See, you're a four-year-old little girl

and you're fast asleep, and
along comes the fairy prince,

played by me.

What have I got to lose?

As I was saying, the
fairy prince comes along

and he scatters fairy dust over you.

Mr. Harmon, the fairy dust.

Oh yeah, here you are, W.H.

Oh, that's magic, Mr. Harmon.

Don't breathe it in,
otherwise you'll get silicosis.

Now then, as I was
saying, now you're all toys

scattered around the
nursery casually, you see.

Yes, come along, be
casual about the nursery.

Not as casual as that, Mr. Lucas.

Captain Peacock, you've got to lull more.

Yes, like this.

Lovely.

And teddies sit with their
arms stretched straight out.

I said teddies sit with their
arms stretched straight out!

Good, Mr. Tebbs, very good.

Very good indeed.

Mr. Humphries, could I have a moment?

What is it, Mr. Rumbold?

Well, yes, when I sit
down, my egg rises up.

My face almost disappears.

Well, we all know it's you.

Yes, but I can't see the piano.

Hang on a minute.

You are hard-boiled, aren't you?

There.

Now then, we'll take it

from the fairy prince's coming-on music.

Hang on, hang on, hang on!

I'm not in my coming-on position yet.

Right, music!

Hey, hang on, hang on, hang on!

Just a minute, just a
minute, just a minute.

What is it now?

We're all toys in the nursery, right?

Right.

And we don't wake up until you sprinkle

the fairy dust over Little
Alice, Age Four here,

who then wakes up, winds us all up, right?

Correct, Mr. Lucas.

How come the egg is already awake

to play the entrance
music for the fairy queen?

Fairy prince.

Because the egg is not a toy.

I don't wanna be difficult,

but you keep eggs in the
kitchen, not in the nursery.

He's quite right.

Yes.

Well, the noise from the
refrigerator kept him awake,

so he came into the
nursery to play the piano.

How did the egg get down off
the fridge without breaking?

Because the housemaid dropped
a tea towel on the floor

and, being hard-boiled, it bounced.

Does that satisfy you?

I hope it does, 'cause the
blood's rushing to my head.

Can we proceed?

Right!

Music!

Mr. Humphries, are you
short-sighted or something?

Why?

Well, you've been past my cot twice

and I'm still waiting for the fairy dust.

I've got to work up to it!

Music!

Serves you right for going to
sleep with your mouth open.

Now, we'll take it from
the waking-up music.

Would you mind looking the other way?

Well, it's only the fairy prince.

Yes, and in a minute, he's
going to turn into a frog

to keep himself out of mischief.

Now, you wind up all the
toys, soldier toy first.

Hang on, hang on.

Where's his key?

You have to pretend that he's got a key.

Mrs. Slocombe, he's not a 27 bus.

Good, that's right.

Lovely.

Now, show surprise.

And music!

Now you join him.

He hasn't got a very
strong spring, has he?

Does he have to run down here?

He runs down wherever
his spring runs down.

Right, Mrs. Slocombe, now
all the rest of the toys,

teddy next, come along.

Lovely, wind him up.

And teddy springs to life.

I think he's asleep.

I can hear him snoring
through the ear hole.

Give him a shot of your magic dust.

Mr. Tebbs, are you free?

Be careful.

Now then, Little Boy Blue.

Look at, do I have to wind everybody up?

It's gonna take forever.

Well, that's because you
know what's going to happen.

But to the audience, it's magic.

Come along.

Now, wind him up.

Show surprise.

Good!

Mr. Lucas.

You're clockwork, not drunk.

Music!

If he's gonna muck
about, I'm not playing.

Now, go over to Miss Muffet
and wind her up, that's right.

Wind away.

Show surprise.

Now, Little Miss Muffet
dances with Little Boy Blue.

Music!

Now you join them.

That's right, in the middle.

And I dash round with the fairy dust.

And we all join together
for the last chorus.

All right!

That was the commissionaire.

The professional cabaret's
arrived, they're on their way up.

Oh, isn't this exciting?

You won't think so when
you see what they're doing.

They're all the same as us.

Not exactly the same, mush.

Well, what are we going to do?

We can't all the Ballet of the Toys.

Well, we'll have to do
what we did last year.

Well, we've only got
a couple of minutes.

We're the first turn!

Mr. Lucas, you're
forgetting the fairy dust.

♫ Steppin' out with my baby

♫ Can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right

♫ It's for sure, not for maybe

♫ That I'm all dressed up tonight

♫ Steppin' out with my honey

♫ Can't be bad to feel so good

♫ Never felt quite so sunny

♫ And I keep on knockin' wood

♫ There'll be smooth sailin'
'cause I'm trimmin' my sails

♫ In my top hat and my
white tie and my tails

Silver lame, actually.

♫ Steppin' out with my baby

♫ Can't be bad 'cause he's in right

♫ Ask me when will the day be

♫ The big day may be tonight

♫ There's smooth sailin'
'cause I'm trimmin' my sails

♫ In my top hat and my
white tie and my tails

♫ Steppin' out with my baby

♫ Can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right

♫ Ask me when will the day be

♫ The big day may be tonight

♫ That dripping bread, dripping

♫ That's the stuff for me

♫ You could see me every day

♫ Staring in the way

♫ I lick this off except for me

♫ As I lick it, simply dripping

♫ A love for bread is
bigger than your head

♫ And some drip, drip, dripping, dripping

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday Mr. Grace

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Ground floor: Perfumery,
stationery, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor: Telephones,
gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear and shoes, going up

♫ Second floor: Carpets,
travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings

♫ Restaurant and teas, going down

♫ First floor: Telephones,
gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear, and shoes, going up