Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 6, Episode 5 - A Bliss Girl - full transcript

♫ Ground floor: perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware, and food, going up

♫ First floor: telephones,
gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, suits, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ What a foggy day in London town

♫ He led me low, he led me down

♫ And suddenly I saw him there

Hello, Mr. Rumbold.

Morning, Mr. Harman.

What are you doing?



I'm glad you asked me that.

I'm running this tube
up and down this carpet.

Due to the fact that
there is a motor in here,

which causes a vacuum and
thus sucks up the dust

off of the carpet, it goes
down that pipe into a bag.

It's what is known as
hoovering up the dust,

due to the fact that Hoover
was the first in the market.

Now, if Goblin had been the first

in the market, I'd be goblin up the dust.

I merely meant why are you
doing it and not the cleaners?

Well, seeing as how it's
the worst fog we've had

since 1953, they phoned up
to say they wasn't coming.

I'm beginning to wonder
if anyone's coming.

Well, there's only
two on the ground floor.



Mr. Akroyd's walking about with a candle

stuck on his head, so they know

where to go to get their bills signed.

Well, how did the fog get in there?

Some silly bloke left
the side door open.

How very careless.

I don't know who it
was, but rumor has it

he's a bald-headed person with

one or two other outstanding features.

Enter, the demon king!

Apparently some idiot
left the side door open

and filled the place with fog.

Yeah, well, the
culprit is described as--

That will do, Mr. Harman.

You should be down in the basement.

Oh, very well, but first, I'm
going to the pets department

to procure for myself a canary,

which I will put in a cage and lower

to see if the atmosphere down there

is suitable for my respiratory organs.

Come on, R2D2.

Well, at least you're
here on time, Peacock.

Congratulations.

Quite by chance.

I was coughing myself
to death at the bus stop

when a vintage Rolls-Royce drew up.

And inside was none other
than young Mr. Grace.

Without winding down the window,

he mouthed the words,
"Would you like a lift?"

I don't suppose he wanted
the fog getting into his car.

Indeed, he didn't.

I traveled eight miles
on the running board.

Oh, well, report to me
when the others do arrive.

I have an important announcement to make.

Certainly, sir.

Mr. Lucas, what on earth
are you doing in that?

Now that's charming, isn't it?

First time I've been early in three weeks,

and that's the welcome I get.

You surely haven't hopped
all the way from Highgate?

I couldn't get home last
night because of the fog,

so I spent the night in
the camping department.

Unfortunately, the zippy's stuck.

Oh, here, get out of this thing.

Look there, the store's open.

Mr. Lucas, that just lost us a sale.

Now, where are your clothes?

They're still in the tent.

Go and get them on.

And get a dressing gown out of stock.

Oh, blimey, it's gonna be
one of them days, isn't it?

Give us a hand, I've got
Mrs. Slocombe in here.

Push that side, I'll push this.

Now, push.

Push.

There we are.

Alright, it's all clear
in here, Mrs. Slocombe.

Ooh, what about this fog?

Oh, my pussy's been gasping all night.

Ooh, and as for me drunk hills.

It's a good thing you had your gas mask.

I had it during the war, you know.

1418?

If you're going to have one of

your witty days, I'm going home.

You'll never believe the
trouble I've had getting here.

You haven't

gone through the streets like that?

Well, only as far as Tower Bridge.

The buses aren't running.

So I got into me gear, I went down

to the bottom of the garden, waved bye-bye

to me mother, and jumped in the canal.

I thought I'll turn right at the

sluice and come in with the tide.

Apart from a bit of a fracka
with a boy at Battersea.

B-U-O-Y.

It was quite an uneventful trip.

Til I got picked up by the
river police on their asdic.

A-S-D-I-C, full stop.

Apparently I was giving
a very strange reading,

so they hauled me in, peeled me suit off,

showed me to the sergeant,
who took one look at me

and said, "We don't keep
tiddlers," and threw me back!

What are you doing?

I've just put new batteries
in your stress indicator.

Have I worn out already?

Yes, you must be getting very

excited recently, you naughty boy.

Well, it's that secretary of mine.

Yes, well, let's see if your
equipment's working properly.

Are you ready for the test?

Yes.

Funny, I should be flashing.

Hold on a minute.

Try again.

I'm alright.

Are you alright, Mr. Grace?

I'm alright.

Luckily they were only my reading glasses.

Oh, Mr. Grace, you asked
me to get Mr. Rumbold.

Well, he's on the line.

You're looking very pretty this morning.

Thank you very much, sir.

How about dinner tonight?

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

Do you want my wife as well?

What are you going on about, Runbold?

I said, "Do you want my wife?"

You'd do anything to get on
in this firm, wouldn't you?

No, I have got a slight problem, sir.

The perfume display from the
Bliss people has arrived,

but the Bliss girl, who was supposed to

serve behind the counter, hasn't.

Well, uh, use your initiative.

Oh, right, sir.

What shall I do?

Get somebody else.

The Bliss people are
paying us 50 pounds a day.

We don't want to lose that.

You sent for me?

Oh, yes, uh, unplug
my charger, will you?

We don't want to waste electricity.

Will there be anything else, sir?

Yes, you're fired.

So, anyway, we both came
out of the pictures, you see,

and we got into her sports car,

and she's sitting there,
brushing her long blonde hair

in the driving mirror,
you know the way they do,

and she turns to me and she said,

"Um, should I drop you home?"

You refused, of course.

Well, no, she behaved herself
quite well in the cinema.

Apart from when she reached over to get

a chocolate and I had the box on me lap.

That was when she was looking for

the one with the hard center, was it?

Yeah, she wasn't best pleased

when she had to make do with a marzipan.

Anyway, you see, we get
outside the front door,

and she said, she looked at me, coy like,

you know, and she said, "Uh, are you

"going to invite me in for coffee?"

And did you?

No, I got a crack in me corner.

So, anyway, she said, "Well,
we'll have to say goodnight

"here, then," and she flung
her arms around me neck

and she grappled with
me like Mick McManus.

You never told me you've
been out with Mick McManus.

If you're going to mock me, I shall not

let you be privy to my confidences.

So, anyway, she presses a button,

and the seat flew back, and there I was,

about to be washed away on
a tidal wave of passion,

when me mother banged on the bonnet

with a rolling pin and gave her a minute

to get out or make an honest man of me.

Men's wear.

Warick, shove it down about there.

That's it, Warick, there we are.

There.

Presenting the Bliss Pong Shop.

Where would you like it?

It's to go over there.

You and you, take that counter away.

Um, don't move, stand fast.

Captain Peacock, you do not tell

my men to take that counter away.

They are under my jurisprudence.

You tell me to take that counter away

and I tell them to take that counter away.

Harman, take that counter away.

It's Mr. Harman.

Very well, Mr. Harman.

What?

Will you please take that counter away?

Alright, you, you, counter, out.

Just a minute.

Put that counter down.

Mrs. Slocombe.

Captain Peacock, I do not
respond to any man's finger.

You know, I used to have
an aunt that said that.

Maiden aunt.

Mrs. Slocombe, it is
my understood prerogative

as floor walker to summon
any of my subordinates

if I wish to give them my instructions.

Now, will you please exceed to my request?

In a word, not on your nelly.

It's exciting, innit?

You can feel the tension mounting.

Mrs. Slocombe, I shall count to five,

and if you have not complied, then I shall

make an adverse entry in my book.

The two of them should get sent off.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Four and a half.

Five.

Mrs. Slocombe, truculent and impertinent.

Captain Peacock, I
may have been truculent,

but I was certainly not impertinent.

I've already entered
impertinent in my book.

Oh, well, in that case.

Now, let me get this clear, you

wiggled your finger at Mrs. Slocombe?

I did not wiggle it, sir.

I did that.

And Mrs. Slocombe took exception?

Correct.

What sort of exception did she take?

How dare you, Peacock.

I asked you a perfectly civil question.

I was merely illustrating the gesture

that Mrs. Slocombe made to me.

Gestured with fingers, yes,
I've got that written down.

And were there any witnesses to this sign?

Well, we only saw it from a distance.

For all I know, she might
have only used one finger.

Mr. Humphries, did you
see her raising two fingers?

Oh, yes.

As a matter of fact, I thought
she was doing it to me.

She often does.

What, as an inflammatory sign?

No, to save two seats for the canteen.

So, Captain Peacock might have

misinterpreted this gesture, yes.

Are there any other complaints
concerning Mrs. Slocombe?

Well, the next complaint
I have against her

is that she made a noise I objected to.

What sort of noise?

Yes, that is an objectionable noise.

Why did you do this, Mrs. Slocombe?

Well, his wiggling finger
got right up my nose.

Peacock, Peacock, you
didn't tell me this.

You must give me all the facts.

Now let's start again.

You put your finger up
Mrs. Slocombe's nose,

causing her to snort in a
sort of.

Then, logically, she
would put up two fingers

to protect her nose
from your probing digit.

This in turn Mr. Humphries
misinterpreted as a request

for him to save her two
seats in the canteen.

Have you anything else
written down in your book

that you'd like me to clarify?

Not on your nelly.

Oh, well, if that's it,
there's no more to be said.

Rather a waste of time, really.

Yes, indeed, sir.

When am I going to get my counter back?

Not for a week.

The young Mr. Grace has done a deal

with Bliss Perfume, so I'm afraid

we'll just have to grin and bear it.

I find the two very rarely go together.

But, um, we do have a problem.

Because the Bliss girl hasn't arrived,

so I'm afraid you and Miss Brahms

will have to handle the Bliss merchandise.

I'm not sacrificing my commission

to sell cheap scent, and
I am unanimous in this.

But the counter has to be manned.

Well, there's only two of us.

There's three of them.

Why don't one of them do it?

Ungrammatical, but logical.

The question is, which one?

Pew, what a pong.

I have to test it if
I'm going to sell it.

Smell that, Secret Rendezvous.

Ooh, it wouldn't be easy to have

a secret rendezvous wearing that.

Everybody'd know you'd been there.

Lady and the Tramp.

A bit more tramp than lady, eh.

Here.

What's that?

Gay Divorce.

Ooh, I don't like that.

Oh, we'll cancel that out.

Pew, what's that?

Butch Cassidy.

Ooh, don't they smell awful
when they all get together?

Do you know my old headmaster

would give a fortune to smell me now?

He'd say, "I knew, I told you."

What sort of a school did
you go to, Mr. Humphries?

Mixed.

Oh, yeah, girls and boys.

No, just boys.

Uh, Mr. Lucas, I'm just going to

have a word with Captain Peacock.

Will you take over from me?

Certainly, Mr. Tebbs.

Ah, Stephen, are you free?

At the moment, Mr. Tebbs.

And may I remind you
that first names are used

only in the canteen, or
after and before the bell.

I see.

In that case, I don't want to talk to you.

Blimey, that was a short word.

Tidy up that glove drawer, Mr. Lucas.

But it is tidy.

It isn't now.

Peacock told you off, did he?

Better do the tie drawer as well.

Alright, alright, I give in, I give in.

Ah, Mr. Lucas.

I'm glad to see you usefully employed

in tidying the drawers.

Thank you, sir.

The tie drawer is
also in a terrible mess.

I suggest you tidy it up, Mr. Tebbs,

instead of standing there,
twiddling your thumbs.

I am not twiddling my thumbs.

I'm in charge of this counter,

and if I want my drawers untidied,

I shall have them untidied.

Now, let me get this clear, there's been

yet another fracka on the floor?

One thing I want to get
straight right away.

Did Captain Peacock put
his finger up your nose?

No, of course he didn't.

Well, then what caused
you to lose your temper?

He was sticking his
nose into my business.

Ah, noses do come into it.

I thought so.

There's always a common factor, you know.

This whole dispute is
caused by the perfume counter.

And what's perfume associated with?

Noses.

Quite extraordinary.

It's because Mr. Humphries is on the

perfume counter and unable to exercise

his tidy influence on Mr. Tebbs' counter.

It's got nothing to do
with tidiness, Mr. Rumbold.

It's because Mr. Humphries
isn't with us and we're

undermanned, and that's
upset Mr. Tebbs, hasn't it?

Right, there would be raised eyebrows

in the trade if it were found out

that I'd been alone in
the jets with a junior.

Yes, I do take his
point, don't you, Peacock?

Absolutely, sir.

But I didn't take Mr. Humphries away.

I would never allow Mr. Tebbs to have

less than two assistant salesmen.

You are quite right, Peacock.

I was wrong.

It's obviously causing bad feeling,

and I shall rectify it immediately.

Yes, sir.

Shall I ask Mr. Humphries to return?

No, no, you will take his place.

I will take his place?

That's what I said.

I must protest.

No, no, it's not a
matter for discussion.

I've made a decision.

I'm not taking over as senior salesman

serving behind the mens counter.

Ooh, quite correct.

You are taking over
Mr. Humphries' position

as assistant salesman under Mr. Tebbs.

I'll show you the ropes.

You better sign for your tape and chalk.

If this gets into the
Floor Walker's Gazette,

he'll be ruined.

Let me get one thing straight.

Mr. Lucas will still be
under me, will he not?

Of course.

Good.

Will you just come this way, madam?

We'll try it on in the fitting room.

It's just behind that curtain there.

Take over, Mr. Humphries.

Yes, Mrs. Slocombe.

So it is true, then,
you have been demoted.

I wouldn't be surprised to see a poppy

growing over there in the
spot where you used to stand.

See, it's all over the building.

I just couldn't believe it.

Not Captain Peacock reduced to the ranks.

That'll do, Harman.

Excuse me, are you senior enough

to sign for these sweaters?

Oh, that's a swanky pen for a junior.

I am not a junior.

Now get about your business.

Well, you want to be careful

if you come down to the stock room.

We always debag new boys.

What are you doing, Steve?

Lucas, you will continue to
address me as Captain Peacock.

And I would have thought
that it was obvious

even to a man of your poor intelligence

that I am folding a sweater.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, Mr. Tebbs
would never stand for that.

Excuse me.

Now he likes it like
this, you see, face down

and fold that side over there like that,

bend the arm down there,
fold that one in like that,

bend that arm down there,
then over there like that,

and there you are, you've got it, you see.

You'll soon learn.

Couple of weeks, you'll
soon get the hang of it.

I shall not be here
in a couple of weeks.

Well, that's up to
Mr. Rumbold, isn't it?

I mean, he goes like that, and you jump.

Do you know, I felt really
sorry for you in there.

I mean, I thought to myself,

he made you look about that big.

I thought to myself, what
a comedown, I thought,

after all those glorious
years in the Pay Corps.

The Royal Army Service Corps.

Whatever it is.

I mean, do you have to accept that

sort of humiliation lying down,

but I mean what else can
you do at your time of life?

I mean, even if you resign and go to

the Labor Exchange,
what's going to happen?

Yes, I can see it all now.

There you are in the queue,
you get up to the counter,

you put in your card, and a voice says,

"Now, then, Peacock, what are
we going to do with you, man?

"What are your qualifications?

"We don't have no jobs for nobody

"standing around looking snooty all day.

"You up to Monday, next week."

Lucas, tidy the handkerchief drawer.

But it is tidy.

White trash.

Blimey, she's got a right one in there.

Oh, she should be so lucky.

Four o'clock and not a drop sold.

Miss Brahms, while you're at
it, bring me another corset.

The size 40 Multi-hold Jumbo Expander.

The last time I saw something like that,

it was being used to restrain King Kong.

You haven't seen what
she's got in there.

Excuse me.

Oh, you gave me quite a start.

I wonder if you could help me.

Well, I'm just standing in for someone

at the moment, but I'll do my best.

Well, I'm not very happy
with these stockings.

What seems to be the complaint?

Well, they ran as soon as I put them on.

Well, yes, I think I'd do the same.

Well, what are you going to do about it?

Well, at the moment,
I'm riveted to the spot.

Well, I think the least you could do

is to give me another pair.

Oh, yes, of course.

As a matter of fact,
I'll give you two pairs.

There we are.

And if these should run, don't hesitate

to bring them back and show them to me.

I could start a whole new way of life.

Thank you, that's
really very sweet of you.

Oh, not at all.

How could I resist such a lovely smile?

You're a very charming young man.

I'm quite sure you're
going to go a long way.

Do you know, the last
time anyone said that to me,

I was standing in a white circle

singing All Things Bright and Beautiful?

Men are so aggressive
these days, aren't they?

Isn't that the truth?

They only want one thing.

They don't have much choice, do they?

Why don't you buy a hat?

Oh, why do you say that?

I've got the very hat that
will go with those lovely eyes.

Not many people can wear hats.

You've got a hat face.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, I love it, I love it.

It's Dr. Zhivago, it's
Garbo, it's Orient Express.

And it's reduced.

I like it. I'll have it.

It's all on my husband's account, anyway.

Oh, in that case, why don't you

treat yourself to a coat?

I don't suppose you'll
be able to afford it,

but let's just slip it on for fun.

Oh, just the feel of
it does something for me.

Oh, yes, I find that the same.

3,000 pounds?

He'll have a heart attack.

Well, fortunately it is black.

Have you got a long mirror?

Well, I'm afraid it's
engaged at the moment.

Oh, well, would you mind trying it on?

Then I can stand back and look.

Not at all.

As you can see, it's got
the lovely high collar.

Very haute couture.

Deep pockets, a nice full back.

Note the swirl.

And of course with the high heels,

you get that lovely bounce.

Do you know, I'm really very tempted.

Mr. Humphries.

What do you think you're doing?

Madam has practically
decided to take this with her.

But it's 3,000 pounds.

I know, and I'm earning the commission.

Not if I can persuade her to

have something else, you're not.

Good afternoon, madam.

Are you being served, madam?

Oh, blimey!

Miss Brahms, bring the fox.

Which one?

The 3,000 nicker one.

I am the senior saleslady.

I'm so sorry I wasn't here to help you.

Oh, no, that's quite alright.

I've been very well looked after.

Yes, now, how about this, madam?

Why don't you try this on
before you make up your mind?

Well, do you mind trying it on?

It gives me a better idea.

Well, certainly, madam.

Give me a hand, Miss Brahms.

Oh, drat, the lining's gone.

Come here.

You see, this is a
casual, wraparound style.

Very easy to get on and off.

Where's me arm gone?

It's in the lining.

What do you think?

You look like a cross
between Nelson and Basil Brush.

Well, I'm not really
sure about the color.

Do you know, I'm rather sold on the black.

Get me that one, the one at the end.

That's what happens
when you buy a cheap coat.

Now this one is suitable
for almost any occasion.

It's Persian lamb.

And it's 1,000 pound cheaper
than the one he's wearing.

Suitable for day wear,
or a night at the opera.

I remember Groucho Marx wearing it.

Do you know, that really is rather nice.

Would you mind modeling it for me?

Well, certainly, madam.

Ignore the shoes.

Uh, could I see yours again?

Certainly.

It's so difficult to decide.

It's very distracting seeing
those trousers and that hair.

Hang on a minute.

♫ All things bright and beautiful

I love it.

Look, here's my card.

Charge it and send it round.

Good afternoon.

Drat.

Come, everybody, young Mr. Grace.

Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Grace.

Good afternoon, Peacock.

You've been demoted, I see.

Purely a temporary measure, sir.

Has he been scribbling
on the walls again?

That humorous cartoon,
sir, was 15 years ago.

I thought he got your ears very well.

Oh, is that the new girl from Bliss?

Oh, no, no, sir, that's
not the Bliss girl.

She couldn't get here because of the fog.

They sent a very attractive substitute.

Have you got a boyfriend?

Not at the moment.

I've got a table at Romano's

with caviar and a step-up dinner.

Would you care to join me?

Well, it is Monday, me
mother's only got cottage pie.

That's settled then.

♫ Ground floor: perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware, and food, going up

♫ First floor: telephones,
gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, suits, ties, hats,
underwear, and shoes, going up

♫ Second floor: carpets,
travel goods, and bedding

♫ Materials, soft furnishings,
restaurants, and ties

♫ Going down

♫ First floor: telephones,
gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, suits, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up