Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 6, Episode 3 - Do You Take This Man? - full transcript

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationary and leather goods

♫ Wigs And haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor, telephones

♫ Gents' ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes, going up

Ah, Mr. Humphries, sir.

If you've got a moment to spare,

there are the frames you asked for.



Thank you, Mr. Harman.

And you better hurry up and choose 'em

before old peacock gets
back from his coffee break.

What do you want these for?

Well, I get these terrible headaches.

I told you, you shouldn't
do that needlepoint.

I don't do needlepoint.

Not now that I'm doing the lace mats.

Is that me?

Blimey, your eyes are bad.

I mean, are they in
harmony with my personality.

Well, they would be, if
you bought an electric organ

to go with them.

Here, try these.



Oh, no.

People'll think I can
only afford half of 'em.

Ah, now, these are good, oh yes.

Hold that.

Oh, these are definitely me.

What do you think?

Well, they'll be handy for
looking through letter boxes.

Do you know I haven't done that

since I went carol
singing as a little lad.

Did you see mummy kissing Santa Clause?

As a matter of fact,
I think she was trying

to push him back up the chimney.

Ah, now, these definitely, yes, oh yes.

My mind is made up, firm as concrete.

No matter what anybody
says, I won't budge.

Mr. Humphreys, take off
those ridiculous glasses.

Yes, Captain Peacock.

Harman, get off the floor.

And take this thing with you.

To hear is to obey you, master.

That is the camisole, and these

are the matching pantaloons.

Are you sure this is the trendy thing

the girls are wearing today?

Do you need more proof?

No, that's convinced me.

Cheeky monkey.

Where was I?

Oh, you were telling me
about this Greek fellow

you're keen on, Mixim
Matosis.

Mr. Mataxis.

Anyway, where did you meet him?

Well, me and Mrs. Axelby
was in this Greek restaurant.

On your own?

Well, you don't always
want to go with men, do you?

Anyway, he was sitting alone in a corner.

And he was staring, you know how they do.

Well, after a while, he sent a note over

saying he'd like to give us both an ouzo.

In front of everyone.

It's a drink.

Anyway, as Mrs. Axelby said,
what have we got to lose?

Well, it turns out that
he's very well known, there,

because of his bouzouki.

What's that?

Well, it's a sort of
funny shaped Greek banjo.

And when it played Never on
Sunday, we all threw plates.

Was he that awful?

No, you do that, it's a Greek custom.

Oh, you seem to know
an awful lot about it.

Well, it may be that I shall need to.

Can you keep a secret?

Oh, cross me heart.

I've been out with him
every night for a month.

And last night, he popped the question.

Do you mean he's asked you to marry him?

It's a secret.

Did I hear something, Mrs. Slocombe?

This Greek fella's
asked her to marry him.

It was supposed to be a secret.

Mr. Tebbs, Mr. Humphreys, Mr. Lucas,

come over here, at once.

I've got some startling news for you.

Mrs. Slocombe is going to get married.

Has she been advertising, again?

He got her with his bazooka.

Well, she's a big enough target.

Bouzouki, Miss Brahams.

Oh, yeah, he's a Greek banjo player.

Well done, dear.

As my mother always says, there's always

someone for everyone.

Well, almost everyone.

Mrs. Slocombe, I've always
had a great affection for you.

Does this mean that
we're going to lose you?

Oh, no, I've no plans to leave.

Dammit.

When's the happy event?

Hang about, she hasn't
even got married yet.

Captain Peacock, you are employed

to keep order in this department,

not to encourage gossiping
around the counters.

Mrs. Slocombe's gonna get married.

Oh, allow me to be the
first to congratulate you.

Actually, you're the last.

Ah, well, be that as it may, we are here

to serve customers, so perhaps you'll all

go back to your counters.

In the meantime, may I
wish you every happiness

on behalf of Grace Brothers.

And take this opportunity to remind you

that your trousseau, your wedding dress,

furnishings for your future home,

are all obtainable in Grace Brothers,

at the usual staff discount of course.

Oh, this also applies
to bathroom fittings,

carpets, hardware, and,
in the fullness of time,

prams and layette.

Oh, shut up.

When Mrs. Slocombe told
us the news yesterday,

you could have knocked
me down with a feather.

She didn't look too happy this morning.

She's worried about
the cost of the wedding.

It's the bride's family what pays,

and she's the only one what's left.

Catering can cost a fortune these days.

Well, I know she actually
started out getting a quote

for champagne and smoked salmon,

and now she's working on
meat paste and brown ale.

Well, if she hasn't any
next of kin, who's going

to give her away?

Well, perhaps her friend Mrs. Axelby

will put on a morning suit and top hat.

Very good idea.

She's got the mustache already.

You are horrible.

She's asked me to be her bridesmaid.

- She probably asked Mr.
Humphreys to be her page.

I was a page boy, once.

I had page boy bob, a
full Fauntleroy collar,

black velvet trousers, knee-britches,

silk stockings, patent leather
shoes with silver buckles.

Oh, and white gloves.

I'll bet you looked sweet.

How old were you?

31.

I was in the basement of Derry and Tom's.

We did an amateur
production of Twelfth Night.

I was the lovely Viola.

Couldn't they find a girl?

Well, not in Tools and Do It Yourself.

I didn't know you
were in Do It Yourself.

It's not something
you like to talk about.

Ah, we hear you're having problems

with the wedding arrangements?

Well, everything costs so much.

Perhaps we could
persuade young Mr. Grace

to give you a special
price for your reception.

Oh, I wouldn't want to ask him.

Well, as the senior man on the floor,

perhaps I could put a word in.

What date had you in mind for the wedding?

Well, as soon as possible.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.

I know to what you are
inferring, Mr. Lucas,

and Mr. Mataxis isn't
that kind of man, at all.

Hello, hello, hello.

The nub of the situation is, Mr. Grace,

that Mrs. Slocombe is taking a husband.

Who's husband?

No, sir, she's getting
married, to a Greek.

She's done me the honor of
asking me to give her away,

so I've undertaken the arrangements.

Naturally, she wants the usual reception

before the honeymoon, and we wondered

if we could persuade
you to let her have it

in the boardroom.

It's not much of a place
for the honeymoon, is it?

No, sir.

I suppose we could put
a mattress on the table.

Could she have the
boardroom for the reception?

Yes, it's to be on the 30th, sir.

Oh, it's booked that day, sir.

You're giving a tea party for distressed

nightclub hostesses.

That's right.

I do quite a lot of
charitable work, you know.

Why don't you use the department?

Would you allow that, sir?

Of course, as long
as we do the catering.

Give me the card.

Here we are.

Yes, why she could have smoked salmon,

breast of chicken in asparagus tips,

petit fours with champagne.

Six quid and up.

I'm afraid we can't run to that, sir.

Alright, we'll do the
packing department special.

The Japenese tinned champagne,
and a few dead things

in jelly.

They'll never know the difference.

But is there anything else?

I don't think so, sir.

Alright, now go away.

Thank you, sir.

Now where were we before we let them in?

Well, I was betting my dress

against your shirt and trousers,

and then you was just going to see me.

Oh, I say!

Nurse, nurse!

Did you shout, sir?

Oh, I gasped.

I've got a flash.

Oh, sir.

Hello, mother.

I'm going to be late.

I've got to alter a dress.

No, not for me, dear, for a colleague.

A female colleague, yes.

Well, put mine in the oven.

Well, if it's a salad,
what's all the fuss about?

Now, I'm going, mm?

No, don't worry, no, I
won't take the shortcut

across the park, no.

Anyway, they've caught that man.

Bye.

Right, come along dear,
I haven't got all night.

I knew she'd choose the
Princess Grace model.

What do you think?

Well, that train'll
have to go, for a start.

No, on second thought, she could use it

as a top sheet on the bridal bed.

Turn round.

Oh, um, yes, it's going
to need letting out,

just a bit there.

What did you choose this one for?

It was reduced by 50 percent.

Well, if we could
reduce you by 50 percent,

we'd be in business.

Go on, hang on to the counter.

Miss Brahams, take her
shoulders, that's it, right.

Now, em...

Now take a deep breath in.

On second thought, take a deep breath out.

That's it, that's it.

I've got it, there.

Got a bit of a problem, here.

She can hold her
bouquet of flowers there,

that'll hide it.

You couldn't hide that with Kew Gardens.

Oh, answer that, Miss Brahams.

Oh, what are we going to do?

Well, if comes to the push,
I could run you something

up in barbed wire.

Protects the property but
doesn't obscure the view.

Mrs. Slocombe, it's Ivy.

She's got your call to
the Greek restaurant.

Better pin that up
before you break your leg.

Why couldn't you choose a short one?

I couldn't, we're getting
married Greek orthodox.

Oh, is that you, Mr. Tamiodes?

Could I have word with
Mr. Mataxis, please?

It's his fiancee, Mrs. Slocombe.

Oh, oh, well it's alright, I'll wait.

He's just finishing his turn.

He's ever so popular.

Who's in the audience,
the National Front?

What was that, Mr. Tamiodes?

Oh, I see.

Oh, he's having to take an encore.

Well, look, will you just tell him

that I'll be a little
bit late, but I've got

some wonderful, exciting news.

What's the wonderful, exciting news?

She's going to have a topless wedding.

No.

No, you see, I wrote to this uncle of mine

in America, and I invited
him to the wedding.

Well, you know how you do.

I mean, he's very well off, and I thought

he might give us something rather nice.

Well, this morning, I
got this letter from him.

And he's coming to the wedding.

And you know what he's giving us?

No.

A house.

- No.
- Yes.

And he's coming all that way?

Well, it's all because
I'm marrying a Greek.

You see, it seems that the partisans

saved his father-in-law's
life during the war,

and then he left him his business.

So, of course, he's very grateful.

Oh, fancy.

It's like a Hollywood story.

As a matter of fact, I
think I've see the film.

Joan Crawford played my part.

Who played my part?

Walter Brennan.

Anyway, we're going to have
to do it properly, you know.

We're going to have to
have a band, and dancing,

and taramosalata.

That's going to be expensive.

Oh, well I dare say
Mr. Mataxis will chip in.

I mean, he's not mean.

He's taking me to Greece
for our honeymoon.

He's already put a down
payment on a package deal.

I'm going to meet his family.

Here, hang on, see?

This is his family at
his sister's wedding.

That's him, with his bouzouki.

Oh, who are them ones,
dancing around in them skirts?

Oh, they're his brothers.

How much is this package?

Oh, 'ere.

Two cases of bubbly from the
wines and spirit department.

That'll be enough.

Well, we've no need to stint ourselves.

Mrs. Slocombe's uncle is footing the bill,

so bring up another dozen.

♫ And that's why I'm putting on my top hat

♫ Tying up my white tie

♫ Brushing off my tails

How do we look?

A credit to the department.

I can't say the same for Mr. Tebbs.

Who took these damn measurements.

See what you can do, Mr. Humphreys?

Ah, come on, come on.

Car coming in half an hour
to take her to the church.

Oh, young Mr. Grace has very
kindly let us have his Rolls

to take the bride,
yourself, and Miss Brahams.

Oh, how very generous of him, sir.

Yes, it is.

He's only charging us 12 pounds.

Has anyone got a safety pin?

She's having trouble with her corset.

Miss Brahams, may I say
how charming you look?

Oh, thank you, Captain Peacock.

Well, you should see Mrs. Slocombe.

It's a beautiful frock.

It makes her look about 16.

A remarkable garment, indeed.

I'm sorry sir, the store is closed.

Yes, yes I know this.

I am Mr. Tamiodes.

I am looking for the Captain Peacock.

I am Captain Peacock.

I don't know how I am telling you this.

It is Mr. Mataxis.

He is in this airplane.

What's he doing in an airplane,

he's only coming from Wimbledon.

He hasn't had an accident, has he?

No, no.

Poor Mr. Mataxis, he is my friend.

He so wanted that he should marry

the beautiful Mrs. Slocombe.

And in about half an hour, he will.

No.

No, we Greeks, we are the funny people.

You know, we are very close together.

There is this member of his family

who hear he is to be married, and say,

no, no, no, no, no, he must go home.

So, he go home.

Well, who is this member of his family?

His wife.

He is a good man, he apologize and say

that he want to give Mrs.
Slocombe the most precious

thing that he have.

His bouzouki.

Do not feel bad about him.

It was the ouzo that proposed.

Now the bottle is empty.

Oh, it's alright, Miss
Brahams, I fixed it!

Now, shut your eyes, everybody.

You can open them, now.

How do I look?

Oh, you look beautiful.

Oh, don't worry, Miss Brahams.

Your day will come.

She's such a sensitive girl.

Oh, oh you do all look nice.

It's ever so kind of you to
dress up so smart for me.

Do you know, I've never seen
you look nicer, Mr. Tebbs.

I wanted to look my best.

Oh, and Captain Peacock.

Hello, what's that doing here?

Mr. Tamiodes delivered it.

Oh, perhaps it's an old Greek custom.

Oh, isn't it a beautiful one?

They're priceless, you know?

Perhaps I'm supposed to
carry it up the aisle.

We're not going to be late for the church,

are we, Mr. Humphreys?

You've got all the time
in the world.

Come into the fitting room, Betty,

I have one or two things
to explain to you.

It'll finish her.

I'd marry her meself, but I think

she's got enough trouble.

Here, I wonder how
she's going to take it?

Hers was such a frail, tender love.

The dago bastard!

It's the last time I go out with a wug!

I'll stuff his vine leaves for him!

And I'll swing his willy old bouzouki!

She's taking it very well.

Right, that's it.

Mrs. Slocombe's uncle
is coming straight here,

instead of to the church.

Didn't he think it was funny?

Well, I told him that
we'd explain everything

when he got here.

At least it gives us time to think.

Perhaps if we give him a good party,

and fill him full of champagne,

he'll pay for the reception, anyway.

How is she?

Well, she's stopped
throwing the furniture about,

and now she's just crying.

Oh, that poor woman.

Not only has she lost a
husband, she's lost a house

to put him in.

You mean, her uncle won't
give her the house, now?

It was only because she
was going to marry a Greek,

she was getting it in the first place.

Hey, listen, couldn't
we get that Greek vicar

over here, and pretend she was
getting married in the store?

Yeah, like them Hollywood weddings.

Even assuming we could persuade

a Greek orthodox priest to be a party

to such a blasphemy, where are we going

to find a substitute Greek
bridegroom and best man?

Well, we've got a Greek band coming.

Perhaps a couple of
them'll stand in for us.

It's worth a try.

It's the only way she'll get that house.

Oh, no I really can't
go along with this.

No?

Well, let me put it
another way, Mr. Rumbold.

Who signed the chit ordering the food,

the band, and the cars, in the expectation

that Mrs. Slocombe's uncle
was going to pay for it.

Well, I did.

Yes, so who's going
to have to pay for it

if there is no Greek wedding?

Oh, yes.

Yes, I take your point.

Well, this calls for executive action.

Miss Brahams, go and tell Miss Slocombe

what I've decided to do.

Mr. Humphreys, Mr. Lucas, waylay the band,

see if you can get us a
best man and a bridegroom.

Even assuming they're
successful, where do we get

a Greek vicar.

Well, the art of leadership
is in delegation.

Mr. Tebbs, I delegate you.

To find a Greek vicar?

No, to be one.

I have no cognizance of the tongue.

I don't suppose her
American uncle has, either,

so no one's going to be any the wiser.

Look, this bill's for nearly 150 pounds.

Well, come on, what
are you doing standing,

now kindly...

Uh, Mrs. Slocombe's guests are here,

and I've take the liberty of putting them

in the fruit juice bar.

Oh, and I've got your records.

I've got Here Comes the Bride, followed

by Genuine Greek Wedding Chant.

What about the groom's guests?

A couple of Greeks did turn
up, but I sussed them out

by the ouzo on they're
breath, and I told them

the venue had been changed
to a Chinese restaurant

in Palmer's Green.

Good thinking.

But I'm still not at all
sure about Mr. Tebb's ability

to disguise himself as
a Greek orthodox priest.

Ah, you don't worry, sir,
he's gone down at fabrics now,

getting kitted out, with
some very regal looking

curtain material.

And he'll be alright as long
as you don't touch the hat.

The hat?

The one I knocked off the chef.

I've gone over it with
some black enamel, you see.

And if he keeps his fingers off it

til the third course of Abide With Me,

we're home and dry.

I hope this is going to
work, she's in a right state.

Oh, poor dear lady, she's had more

than anyone can take.

Yeah, she's had three
large brandies, and all.

Is she going to go through with it?

Oh, yes.

She'll go through with anything rather

than let her friends
know she's been stood up.

Blimey, there she goes again.

I hope this isn't going to take long,

I'm all safety pins.

Blimey, archbishop of Halitosis.

I don't think that'll convince anyone.

Don't be so cynical, Captain Peacock.

I believe in throwing myself into a role.

Yes, well, I think it's a
splendid effort, Mr. Tebbs.

Thank you.

Is that my altar?

Yes, over here, your eminence.

I picked this up in the
second hand book department.

It's about the right
size for a Greek bible.

That's the British Boys Annual.

Well, it was either that or the Guinness

Book of Records.

If you pull this off, you'll be in

the Guinness Book of Records.

Look out, young Mr. Grace.

Rumbold, Rumbold.

Is it true that you canceled my car?

Yes, sir.

You'll have to pay for it, you know?

Who's that?

This here, Mr. Grace, sir,
his right royal eminence,

the archbishop Halitosis.

Why, he's flown direct from
Hafiz to perform the ceremony

right here in the store.

Pleased to meet you.

Business has been
rotten in this store, too.

What on earth have you go that on for?

Well, I'm the best man, aren't I?

The Greek band wouldn't play ball,

but I gave them 10 quid, and they said

they'd play the music, and
keep their mouths shut.

They lent me this out
of their costume basket.

Oh, by the way, the guests downstairs

are fed up drinking orange
juice and fruit juice,

they're coming up, now.

Well, where's Mr. Humphreys?

He's standing in front of a mirror,

trying to make himself
look like a Greek husband.

And let's face it, he's
playing against type.

Welcome to the ceremony,
I am Mr. Harman, the usher.

Bride's guests on the
left, groom's on the right,

please, thank you, just
push through, there.

Right the way through, there, madam

if you'd like to go across...

Hey, there, I am Wendell P. Prond.

Yes, well, I'm Rumbold,
manager of this department.

This is Captain Peacock, our floor worker.

You must be Mrs. Slocombe's uncle.

Yes sir, and I understand from the guests

that you're going to
handle the wedding ceremony

right here.

That's a great idea.

Oh, pleased to see you, your eminence.

I was in Greece during
the war, and I understand

some of your customs.

Gee, I gotta make a
donation to their church.

That guy's held up with safety pins.

You sir, I presume, are the groom.

Me, Mr. Lukapolis.

Me best man.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you, too.

Now where is my little niece, Betty?

I haven't seen her since she was so high,

such a pretty little girl.

You'll probably notice quite a change.

Betty, my good little girl!

Excuse me, sir, excuse
me, sir, that is the groom.

You may remember the uniform
of the Greek National Guard.

Some of the finest fighting soldiers

in the whole wide world.

They've never been known to
turn their backs on the enemy.

Sound tactics.

Me, Mr. Mataxis.

I just met your best man.

Mr. Loupapolis?

No, Lukapolis.

We come from same-y village.

Oh, where is that?

Pouftas.

Captain Peacock, perhaps you'd like

to go and fetch the bride.

Certainly, sir.

Mrs. Slocombe, are you free?

Mr. Harman, play the music.

Yes, sir.

Behave yourself, Mrs. Slocombe.

Proceed, your eminence.

I now pronounce you, manos and wife-os.

Congratulations, my dear.

Alright, that's it, that's it.

Grub up, champagne on the table.

Oh, hold everything!

What about the bridal dance?

- What dance?
- The bridal dance?

Yeah, at every Greek
wedding I ever attended,

the bridal couple, they lead the guests

in the bridal dance.

That's right, clear the
floor, ladies and gentlemen.

Move all the chairs.

Now then, Mr. and Mrs. Mataxis,
bridal dance, if you please.

Right.

Dip to the right.