Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 5, Episode 6 - Goodbye Mr. Grainger - full transcript

Here you are madam.

I do hope the garment
gives every satisfaction.

And you really think
that this type of corset

will keep my figure under control?

Well the stiffness is the
best quality of whalebone.

Yes, but will they be strong enough?

Well, it's strong enough for the whale.

Where was I?

You and Mrs. Axleby was
at the Pelly Dee Downs.

Oh yes.

Well, I said oh don't
let's bother dressing up.



So we just wore our
Diamantic cocktail frocks.

You know the short ones

'cause we both got very good legs.

Did you wear your stiletto heels?

Well I did.

They do wonders for your ankles.

But Mrs. Axleby wore her open toe sandals

'cause her bunion was flaring up again.

She's not still paying football is she?

Oh no.

She gave that up when
they put her in goal.

Anyway, when we got inside,

they were the funniest
looking lot of fellas

you've ever seen in your life.



So after we looked them
over for about an hour,

I said well, I said I
don't care if anybody

does ask me to dance, I'm not going to.

Ah, I don't blame you.

So for the rest of the evening,
we danced with each other.

Who led?

Oh we took it in turns to
start people talking, you know.

Anyway, at midnight,
they played a Paul Jones.

Well Mrs. Axleby knows
the band leader, you see.

She tipped him the wink.

And would you believe it?

Every time the music
stopped, counts of praise,

we was opposite to each other.

Oh we did laugh.

Are you being served madam?

There you are sir.

And don't worry if the
nightshirt is too long,

they do ride up with wear.

Now where was I?

You'd just seen John
Curry on the television,

and decided to take up ice skating.

Oh yes, so I took six lessons

with this marvelous instructor.

There ever so good now you know?

They keep their arm around
ya and they hang on to ya

and they don't let you go
until their absolutely sure

that you're developing on the right lines.

Did he think you showed promise?

What makes you think it's a he?

Anyways, she said some
people are born with it

and some people aren't.

Yeah, what did she say about you?

Well, she said I was
definitely born with it.

On the other hand, she did say

I left it a bit late to give it a try.

Have you gone solo yet?

Yes, for the last time.

Why, what happened?

Well, I got carried away
with the music, didn't I?

There I was happily skating to the

strings of I Did It My Way

when the next thing I knew

I was unable to negotiable a turn.

I found me self running
backwards at 50 mph

across the coconut mat

and straight into the
gentleman's changing room.

Did you hurt yourself?

Nothing that nature couldn't mend.

I made a lot of new friends there.

Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas.

You've done nothing
but gossip all morning.

Trying to pay attention to customers.

I'm sorry Mr. Grainger.

Are you being--

Uh no, that's my customer.

I saw him first.

Have you been served--

What's a matter with him?

Ask him next Monday.

It's bra week and he's got
to lose the center stand

to Mrs. Slocombe's underwear.

He'll be put down you know?

Oh, he's like a little ole' tin Hitler.

Still as my mother
always said, you know,

life is like a game of chess.

At the end of the day, the black pawn

and the white queen
both go in the same box.

Ew. That's something to look forward to.

And I've put the tax in here as well.

And don't worry if the
gosset hangs a little low.

You'll find it will ride up with wear.

Yet another sale Mrs. Slocombe?

Yes, Mrs. Brahams and I

do seem to have the
golden touch this week.

I wish I could say the
same for Mr. Grainger.

He insist on taking every savor himself

and more often than not,
fails to complete it.

Is that why he's been so bad tempered?

That, plus the fact that you're having

your special undie drive next week.

Ew, has he heard about us
getting the center stand?

He has indeed.

And he has appealed over
my head to Mr. Rumbold.

Ah, fancy.

The cheek of it.

Don't worry Mrs. Slocombe.

Mr. Rumbold will not likely overturn

my ruling on the matter.

What does it feel
like to have such power?

Frightening.

Oh shall I change the
central display unit

over now, Captain Peacock?

Not yet Mr. Harman.

Do you know how to set up

the display unit, Captain Peacock?

Why do you ask?

Because in five minutes time,
you're gonna have to do it.

Because I've got tickets
for Queens Park Rangers.

I have to await the final
decision or Mr. Rumbold.

Oh that reminds me, they give me this.

And the winner is...

Come with me Miss. Slocombe.

Can I come too?

Now what do you think, Captain Peacock?

In this case, it would be more tactful

if the meeting was confined
to the senior sales staff.

I'm sorry Mrs. Brahms, not this time.

Where is uh, Mr. Grainger?

He's looking for a 32/34
herringbone for a customer.

Well, where's the customer?

He left, five minutes ago.

I think you'll find
these just snug fit, sir.

Where's he gone?

The complaints department.

People now a days have no patience.

Are you free Mr. Grainger?

No!

I've got to take these fiddling trousers

back to the fiddling rack.

Give them to your junior.

I'm not the junior,
Mr. Lucas is the junior.

You're my junior so you
can damn well take 'em.

Well in that case, I shall
pass them on to my junior.

As far as I'm concerned,

you can throw them out of the window.

Oh oh oh, temper temper.

Mr. Lucas, see to these.

Don't take it out on me.

And don't you answer me back
or you'll get my dander up.

Would you come over here Mr. Grainger?

Yes Kevin Peacock, what is it?

You saw fit to appeal against

my ruling regarding the center stand.

I have here Mr. Rumbold's
final decision on the matter.

Which is?

Appeal disallowed.

And then apparently, he tore up my memo,

threw it on the floor, and jumped on it.

Well then, deal with
it yourself Mr. Rumbold.

Jumping on pieces of paper
doesn't sound very serious to me.

You can't sack a man for that.

All men all get a bit
short-tempered at times.

I'm very busy, go home and boil your head.

Uh, Peacock, yeah.

You better all come in here

except for Mr. Grainger.

But don't let him leave the store, hm?

Mrs. Slocombe and Mrs. Brahms,

Mr. Rumbold would like a
word with us in his office.

Eh, it's about um...

Mr. Lucas, Mr. Humphries.

Yes, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Rumbold would like a
word with us in his office.

Oh is it about uh...

Is it about uh...

Mr. Grainger...

Not you.

Not me, Captain Peacock?

Not you, Mr. Grainger.

Why not?

Because he does not wish to see you.

He may however, wish to see you later.

So you will not leave the store.

I shall leave the store if I want to!

But I don't want to.

Well none of this comes
as a surprise to me.

Mr. Grainger is after
all of advanced years.

And men do off quicker than women.

He's become impossible to live with.

He's been ever so crabby.

I don't want to say anything against him

but I think he's going soft in the head.

He should have retired some time ago.

I mean he went completely to
pieces in the sale last week.

Hm, And it's his eyesight as well.

Got his tape measure
upside down the other day.

Measured a little boy scout
for a pair of trousers

and gave him a 38 in side leg.

And he buttoned the waist
over the little lad's head

and said they dried up with wear.

What about the till?

You know his hand shakes
so much it's like roulette.

Only this afternoon, he
rang up no sale 74 pounds.

Now what are accounts
going to make of that?

Well, his hearing's going as well.

The other day, somebody
asked for the gents cloaks

and he tried to sell them a
top hat and cane to go with it.

Yes but, what are we
going to do about it?

Well I suppose sir, we could
do what they do with faithful

old horses who could no
longer pull their heavy load

along life's highway.

You mean uh, put 'em out to grass?

No, send 'em to the knackers yard.

I think the general consensus

of opinion is that he should go.

Uh, yes but how are
we going to replace him?

Mr. Humphries, have you got the confidence

to step into his shoes?

Oh I have the confidence.

And he has the experience,
too, haven't you Mr. Humphries?

Doesn't it show in my face?

Yeah.

And uh, could Mr. Lucas

fill the gap left by Mr. Humphries?

I don't think he's ready for that yet.

Needs somebody with a lot of experience

to take over middle position.

Oh I agree.

What are you talking about?

Alexander the Great was
only my age when he died

but he's was practically
root in the world.

Hm yes, but could he take an inside leg?

Well he'll never go
of his own free will.

And there's no reasoning with him.

I mean look at the way
he tore up your memo.

Mrs. Slocombe's right.

What a pitiful sight
it's going to be, isn't it?

Mr. Rumbold forcing him into the lift.

Pressing the down button.

The doors closing for the last time

on that tear-stained wrinkled old face.

As it disappears forever
into the bargain basement.

Don't let 'em have my tape measure.

Let me say farewell to my trousers.

Mr. Lucas, please.

Quite right, Captain Peacock,

he's not ready for promotion yet.

Will you tell Mr. Grainger though?

No.

No, these forced retirements
are really tricky things.

It would be better coming
from young Mr. Grace, himself.

I think Mr. Rumbold's right.

Oh, thank you Mr. Lucas.

Well it's very difficult to
tell somebody in their 70's

that you're old.

It softens the blow if it comes
from somebody in their 80's.

Are they still in there?

Yeah, I did what you asked me to do.

I stood outside the door and listened.

Wanna hear the good news or the bad news?

The good news.

Well the good news is I could
hear every word they said.

And the bad news?

Every word they said.

They want to give you the bullet.

Do they?

Were they all against me?

Oh no no, they all wanted

to give you the sack except Mr. Lucas.

Dear boy.

Yeah, he wanted to send
you to the knacker's yard.

Of course, I have been really crotchy

to you lately, you know.

Been even wop with the sales and

Mrs. Grainger hasn't been well.

You know she was terribly upset

when Mrs Dale's Diary stopped, you know?

That went off the air 20 years ago.

Yes, but she does miss it.

Of course, that's no excuse

for me to behaving the way I did.

Uh, if I was you, I'd
choose the honorable way out.

What you mean, suicide?

Resign.

Listen, get in first before
they give you your cards.

Go on.

Yes, you are probably right.

Yeah.

Yeah, well I'll be off then.

You'll be alright, won't you?

Yes, I shan't be long.

You'll keep in touch with me so?

Oh yes, I will.

And thank you very much Mr. Harman.

You've been very kind to me.

Dear Mr. Grace,

I Ernest Grainger,

being of sound mind

having given the best years of my life

to your store.

Regretfully

Oh, here we go again.

Another week of magic at grace, brother.

Just get these covers
off Alexander the Great.

- You step into Mr.
Grainger's shoes already?

He's obviously not coming in.

I mean when anybody leaves
a rolled up tape measure

and a letter addressed to Mr. Grace,

it could only mean one thing.

He's resigned.

After the night of the long knives.

We were only doing our duty.

When questioned, I answered
nothing but the truth

as my mother always taught me to do.

Well he brought it all on himself.

He was thoroughly
obstropolous to me last.

We can't help feeling
sorry for him, can you?

Well there's no need to.

He's made his own bed, he must lie in it.

Yeah, next to Mrs. Grainger.

Whilst he's lying there,
you can explain to him

that they'll probably spend
the rest of their lives

in bed together.

On account of the fact
that you can't afford

the central heat on his old age pension.

You was the one who
wanted him knackered.

I don't think we need
to reproach ourselves.

After all the decision
is not in our hands.

We do not employ Mr. Grainger.

We do not sack Mr. Grainger.

Mr. Grace does.

Yeah, but he'll still
blame us, won't he?

Of course, he will.

He'll come in here and he'll
take it out on all of us

for the next two weeks while
he's working out his notice.

Are we gonna buy him a farewell present?

Not unless he apologizes.

I don't think
there's much chance of that.

I understand that Mr. Harman

reported our discussion
to him, word for word.

He didn't.

How could he do a thing
like that behind our backs?

Deceit, thy name is man.

Hey that's the lift, that could be him.

Ew, what should we do?

Nothing.

He started it.

It's up to him to make the first move.

Good morning everybody.

I really must apologize

for being late.

I will take note of your
apology, Mr. Grainger.

May I have a word
with your Mrs. Slocombe?

Don't start! Don't you start!

Mrs. Brahms, get behind me.

Captain Peacock, I want you to listen

to every word that's said.

Oh well in that case I suppose

I'd better say it to everybody.

I'm very sorry that I was so rude

and unpleasant to you all.

It was very wrong of me indeed.

Will you forgive me, Mr. Slocombe?

Of course.

Mrs. Brahms?

Mr. Lucas.

Mr. Humphries.

My dear colleagues.

Steven, what can I say?

Oh it's too much.

I'm all over...

I'm just going to take off my coat.

Well I'll go to the foot our of stairs.

What was all that about?

Oh I feel awful.

He just started the most difficult phrase

of the English language,

I'm sorry.

Well it was his fault.

That's what makes it so difficult.

You know, it's the sort
of thing that saints do.

I wonder if he's got
some spiritual awakening.

You know it's the sort of thing
that happened to Saint Jones

when those soldiers lit
them faggots under our feet.

That was enough to make anybody
to sit up and take notice.

I bet your wondering

what's made this complete
change in my attitude?

Oh well, we were
discussing it then and yes...

Were you very moved Mr. Grainger?

Did you have a deep religious experience?

No.

I'm repulsed.

I did a perm on the Tribble Chance

and I got eight draws.

I wasn't going to tell you

but I just couldn't keep
it from you any longer.

Look.

How much have you won?

Well, there's only ten
other coupons this week.

It could be worth a fortune.

Hey get a fork or something.

Here we are.

23 points and over claimed
by a phono telegrapher.

Have ya claimed?

He hasn't, get on to 'em.

I won the first dividend
once before you know?

That was in 1936.

Yes, I got 22 pounds, 15 and 6 spinster.

I think it might be as
much as 50 pounds now.

Yeah at the time then, Mr. Grainger.

Last week, there were only nine draws

and somebody won half a million.

Half a million?

Glass of water for Mr. Grainger.

How much you suppose Mr. Grainger's won?

Well, there's every
chance that dear ole Ernest

has won something in the
region of half a million.

Oh, what a stroke of luck.

And just when he lost his job.

Well that's the point sir.

He omitted to put an x in the little box

that says no publicity.

Good Lord.

We shall be besieged by the press.

There'll be pictures of him

shaking hands with Bruce Forsyth.

Aw well, he'll probably enjoy it.

Will you enjoy it

when the fact comes to
light that you hounded

an elderly man into
handing in his resignation?

I didn't do it.

You placed the facts before me.

You said he had to go.

Oh, nobody knows that.

I do.

We'd better get that
letter of resignation back.

I thought you might
come to that conclusion.

Hm, oh well.

Give it to me Peacock.

I was going to sir.

And don't worry if the hat

keeps falling over your eyes sir,

it'll ride up with wear.

How long does it take
them to phone back?

Well the fella from the pool said

any time between now and 5 o'clock.

Uh, my nerves are in shreds.

I know.

Look at my hands.

That one's shaking more than that one.

I'm right handed aren't I?

Don't show yourself, this is a crisis.

Men's Wear.

Oh it's for him.

I'm afraid Mr. Grainger's
off the floor at the moment.

Go ahead.

Just tell us how much?

I see.

Thank you.

Well?

Well, he did an up and down.

8 by 12, 84 from nine, double V plan.

But did he get eight draws?

Well not all in one column.

It's a pity really because
the first prize is sweet.

It's 400,000 pounds.

Well did he get the second?

A third?

A fourth?

Is there a fifth?

Did he get it?

Didn't he get nothing?

It'll be the finish of him.

Oh when he thought he
won, he went all lovely.

Who's going to tell him?

Hm, bags not me.

Bags don't count.

I've got my fingers crossed.

Well we'd better be careful.

If he'll blurt, he'll
tattletale, kill over.

I think you ought to
tell him Mr. Humphries.

You've got more delicate touch.

Not in a case like this.

I move that Mr. Humphries tells him.

Carried unanimous.

Oh thank you very much

for your democratic vote of confidence.

Oh, you should worry.

Look at old Grainger.

He's lost his job and 400,00,

quit all in one week.

Yeah, poor ole devil.

All he wanted was 50 quid
and he didn't even win that.

And thank goodness, he
hasn't had time to spend it.

I'm sorry I've been such
a long time off the floor.

I brought you all a little present.

Oh you shouldn't.

Oh, you certainly shouldn't.

They're only little things.

They're to make up for all my beastliness.

Meh, I think my heart is going.

It is very exciting isn't it?

Eh, have they found out yet?

Yeah, no, uh, I, I
haven't answered the phone.

Have you answered the phone Mr. Humphries?

I have nothing to pass on.

Now Mrs. Slocombe, that is for you.

Mrs. Brahms, you grow prettier every day.

And Mr. Lucus,

you young rascal, that's for you.

And Mr. Humphries,

this is for you, for
all the great kindness

that you've always shown to me.

And this is for Captain Peacock.

I bought him a silver
holder for his carnation.

Where is he?

He's in Mr. Rumbold's office.

Oh, I'll give it to him.

You let him get away.

I was going to tell him as sure

as I'm standing here, I
was going to tell him.

Oh look.

It's a Diamante collar from Mariposa.

It must have cost at least eight quid.

This is a battery shaver.

And a blow-dryer with three speeds.

Don't use the fast
one, you'll blow it away.

Do you realize he's spent about 50 quid.

We'll have to give them back.

Well we can't do that, can we.

That's no good.

Only they don't give ya money back here,

they just give you a credit note.

Well look we've all got
something that we want.

Let's him just give him the money for it.

Oh he wouldn't take it.

He's got so much pride.

He's such a fine man.

I'll tell you what.

We'll tell him that the
pool's firm rang up,

but his draws were in the wrong place.

And he's won 50 quid.

Where are we gonna get 50 quid from?

Well, we'll have to have a whit round.

Yeah, but the money's got
to come through Liverpool.

Eh, we'll get our Liverpool
branch to send him a postlog.

He won't know the different.

Well for heavens sake, go and tell him.

Quick before he buys a yacht.

Hey listen, tell 'em as he
comes, tell 'em as he comes out

of Rumbold's office,
there's a sofa outside,

he can collapse into that.

With the first aid man standing by,

at his age anything can happen.

Thank you once again for the
silver spoon, Mr. Grainger.

I shall look forward to stirring
my morning coffee with it.

Oh well they were just
little things to remember me by

when I'm no longer working.

We were rather hoping to
dissuade you to stay on.

Eh, well now I've sent my
letter to young Mr. Grace,

I think I'd better go.

And Mrs. Grainger fancies a world cruise.

An irreplaceable colleague.

Yes indeed.

One of nature's gentleman.

I nicked ole Grainger's
letter off of Grace's desk

just as his bony hand was
reaching for the paper knife.

Well done, well done.

Now, you tell Mr. Grainger

that Mr. Grace refuses
to accept his resignation

and hopes that he'll stay with
us for many years to come.

And then when he wants to
leave, within a few weeks time,

we'll give him a big send off

and get the rights off of publicity.

How do you know that
he will want to leave?

Well he stands to reason, don't he.

No one wants just half a million knicker,

would want to stay around in this dump.

I wonder if Mr. Humphries told him yet.

Oh sooner in than me.

Ew, look.

I knew it.

I knew it would be too much for him.

As soon as I got the words out,

the blood drained away from me.

Is he alright?

Oh there you are.

He's had a terrible shock, you know?

I only won 50 pounds, did you know?

Oh what a disappointment.

Well I must say,

I would have liked to have
had a few thousand pounds

especially as I'm not going
to be working anymore.

I've got good news for you Ernest.

Mr. Grace wouldn't hear of your resigning.

He even refused to open your letter.

What's more.

He hopes you'll stay
on as long as you like.

You really are all being very very kind.

I was very naughty, you know..

But I got into this terrible mood

and I just couldn't get out of it.

Oh well, you're better now.

Yes, oh yes.

I feel that I've,

as though I've been
reborn, you know, okay?

You wait, you hear my letter.

Dear Mr. Grace,

I Earnest Grainger,

being of sound mind.

That wasn't true for a start.

Having given the best years
of my life to your store,

regretfully have to tell you

that you're a miserable old boot.

Wait, wait, it gets funnier.

Captain Peacock's nothing but
a knit-picky old busy body.

And Mrs. Slocombe is a frustrated old cow.

And as for Mr. Humphries,

oh dear I did go too far.